Modern society lacks self-sufficiency, self-confidence, healthy selfishness and independence, and tranquility. All these qualities are considered by many psychologists. Today, numerous trainings are being conducted on their development. However, all this is in vain, since society is structured in such a way that it does not allow each individual to be independent of it. The online magazine psytheater.com focuses on assertiveness, which will allow a person to remain a full-fledged individual even in the modern world.
What is assertiveness? Translated from English, it means “to defend one’s rights, to insist on one’s own, to declare, to assert.” In simple words, we are talking about a person’s ability to insist on his own, show calm behavior in any situation, respect himself and other people, listen, understand and strive to reach a compromise. This is a rather capacious concept, which is based on one feeling - respect.
All people are someone's mother, father, brothers, sisters, friends, colleagues, aunts, uncles, etc. Each person has his own set of social roles that he plays when he falls into a certain group of people. He makes friends with some, orders others, teaches others, etc. And very often a person gets so involved in his games that he forgets about the meaning of respect. For example, parents consider it their duty to teach, punish and demand children. We are used to demanding and testing his devotion from a loved one. A person behaves in a special way with a certain circle of people, but at the same time forgets that he must not only fulfill his duties, but also simply show respect.
Why, you may ask, do children need respect if they need to be taught and punished? Why show respect to your partner if he doesn't do what you ask of him? In such cases, you should think about this question: why then do you need the respect of the people around you? You cannot deny the fact that you need recognition and approval from other people. This means you also need respect. So why do you need it? For the same reason, other people need respect.
Monitoring, instructing, punishing, demanding - all these are perhaps important elements of life. But besides this, what people want most from you is basic self-respect. No matter who it is - a child, a spouse or a friend - show respect to the person. Why? Because he is a person. He is an imperfect and imperfect person just like you. Both you and he have their shortcomings. But if you don’t even respect yourself because of your own complexes and negative aspects, then the people around you deserve it by their very existence. Otherwise, you will face such phenomena as loneliness, misunderstanding and mutual disrespect. You will be immersed in interpersonal problems, not understanding one thing - you were required to have basic respect for a person, no matter how imperfect he may be according to your ideas.
Realize that every person is unique in themselves. And uniqueness often consists of what society usually does not accept and calls shortcomings. But if you can't respect others because they don't live up to your expectations, then why are you surprised that you also don't get respect in return because you're not a perfect person by other people's standards? Like to like - as you are with people, so they are with you!
Play your social roles that you are used to playing. But don't forget to show respect to everyone. People deserve it by the very fact of their existence. Another question is if people humiliate you, betray you, deceive you, or behave disrespectfully in some other way. But in this case, you just need to make a clear decision whether you want to continue communicating with such people. You are not obligated to continue relationships with those who do not respect you, but take it for granted that you should at least respect those with whom you interact in your daily life. If you have chosen your environment, then accept it as it is, no matter how imperfect it may be.
What is assertiveness?
In relationships with other people, you can often encounter the fact that others constantly criticize, demand, sit on your neck, try to motivate you to do something, force you, etc. Is it worth being offended by this? No. However, it will be enough to show assertiveness towards all people. What it is? This is the behavior of a self-sufficient, respectful and full-fledged person who insists on his position, conducts dialogues calmly and constructively, values and respects himself and his time, while taking responsibility for his own actions and decisions.
Assertiveness is a person’s ability to regulate his behavior without relying on external stimuli, assessments and manipulation. This differs from two common behavior patterns:
- Aggression is when a person dominates and manipulates others to subjugate them.
- Passivity - when a person accepts the role of a victim, submits, is afraid of losing something valuable, is afraid, worries.
Assertiveness presupposes the following position: “We don’t owe each other anything. We are partners, equal!”
Assertiveness is the absence of fear and narcissism. This is an adequate perception of oneself and acceptance of the point of view of people around them, who also have the right to want something, have their own opinion, and be right.
Assertiveness seems to be a difficult model of behavior, since modern methods of education are quite far from cultivating it. Parents teach children to love, respect elders, and obey rules. At the same time, few people ask about the desires of the children themselves. Why should they love their parents? Why should they listen to adults? Why should they respect their elders? All this is simply implanted in children’s heads without explanation, “that’s how it should be.” But according to the children themselves, this is not taken into account. That is why, as a result, people grow up who are accustomed to submission or who are constantly aggressive, critical, and manipulative.
By the way, passive-aggressive people often grow up who secretly make plans for revenge, accumulate grievances, sabotage, or simply do not fulfill requests. These are people with low self-esteem, which their parents tried to improve.
Assertive behavior seems quite complex, since it does not fit into the models accepted in society and is not developed by parents.
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Assertiveness and passive-aggressive behavior
In some cases, people resort to a passive-aggressive style. It manifests itself in passively defending one’s own position in a direct dialogue, but subsequently such a speaker expresses a sarcastic or negative attitude towards the personality of the interlocutor. In other words, a person who says “Yes” actually denies it, which over time leads to the development of internal conflict.
In the long term, such a manner leads to the termination of relations with such an interlocutor, since there is an understanding that it is impossible to achieve a constructive dialogue with him.
Assertiveness in psychology
Assertive behavior is the open, direct performance of actions without the intent to commit harm against other people. Assertiveness has to be developed by the individual on her own, since modern educational measures are absolutely not aimed at its development. Assertiveness in psychology is, first of all, taking responsibility for one’s own behavior. A person himself is responsible for what actions he commits; other people are not to blame for this.
The term assertiveness was introduced in the 50s of the 20th century by A. Salter, who proposed calm and constructive behavior of the individual in exchange for destructive models - aggression or manipulation.
A person lives among people who are constantly looking for their own benefit. Everyone wants to do nothing, while commanding other people who will obey him unquestioningly. Manipulation becomes natural in the relationships of people who see that their partners are afraid of something and obey certain rules and principles. When a person is afraid to express his opinion, show his true colors, insist on his point of view, he has to manipulate.
However, a person simply begins to behave inappropriately, even in situations of constructive criticism. A person who behaves aggressively or passively in relationships with other people is simply afraid to insist on his own, to receive a negative assessment of his behavior, to hear or face the negative consequences of his position. This is the so-called dependence of the individual on other people who dictate to her what she should be in order to receive their benefits. This is similar to the behavior of a dog, which must be obedient so that its owner does not simply throw it out of the house.
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Development of assertive behavior
Human behavior is formed at a young age. And if children cannot yet control their feelings and emotions, then teenagers are already able to do this. Parents and teachers should explain assertive rights, the responsibilities an individual must take on, and different approaches to conflict resolution. Teenagers, compared to adults, have a small social circle. For this reason, teenagers do not know how to communicate normally with representatives of the older and younger generations. To train such a skill, teachers and parents must model various situations, and adolescents must find a way out of them. Several techniques of assertive behavior can be instilled in a person with the help of such games without any problems.
Self-esteem and the sober ability to evaluate your skills and goals are of no small importance. It will be easier for a person who knows what he wants to develop assertive behavior
Assertiveness training
To become an assertive person, you need to adhere to certain positions that are often used in trainings:
- I am able to evaluate my ideas, behavior and emotions, so I am responsible for them.
- I have the right not to know something.
- I have the right to change my mind.
- I can be responsible for my mistakes.
- I have the right to make illogical decisions.
- I have the right to do as I see fit, without apologizing for my own behavior.
- I have the right not to understand someone or something.
- I have the right to make decisions and think about them for myself.
- I have the right to speak out about things that don't interest me.
- I have the right to live independently of the favor of other people and their positive attitude towards me.
Assertiveness manifests itself in any human relationship. This is when you directly, openly and honestly state your position, accept the position of your opponent, and try to find a compromise solution. This assumes that you respect both yourself and the other person. At the same time, you listen carefully to your partner in order to understand his position, and are not afraid to express your opinion. You are not talking about how you treat each other and how you see each other, but you are discussing only the subject of the dispute.
- I have the right to be myself.
- I have the right to have my beliefs, opinions and desires and to express and insist on them.
- I have the right not to be responsible for the feelings and emotions of other people.
- I have the right to be taken seriously.
- I have the right to be wrong.
- I am able to agree and refuse.
- I have the right to be indifferent to anything.
- I have the right to decide for myself what is my priority.
Don't punish people for mistakes (or yourself) because you are punishing them for the experience. And it is useful in any case, no matter what it is!
Don't solve other people's problems, because then you make people helpless and needy.
To become an assertive person, imagine yourself in a company of people where no one owes anyone anything. Everyone is free to do what they see fit without being insulted, judged or judged. It is only in the will of each person to accept what has been done by another individual or not.
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Benefits of Assertiveness
Most people have friends who, during any conversation, begin to prove something, get angry and spoil the mood of those around them. This type of behavior is called aggressive. Such individuals do not know how to control their emotions, so they splash them out on others without thinking about the consequences. In contrast, there is another type of behavior. Passive individuals cannot make their own decisions; they want to be pitied and caressed. They prefer to solve any problem with tears. Assertive behavior is a balance between two extremes. It is urgently necessary for all sane people to find it. A person can communicate normally with others when he knows how to stand up for himself, but at the same time does not try to make someone guilty. People who have learned to control their emotions will never find themselves in an awkward situation. Such individuals never lose their composure and are distinguished by a cool mind. An adequate person has self-respect and has a great chance of getting what he wants from life.
Assertiveness test
Take the assertiveness test to understand how developed this quality is in you. Questionnaire:
- I get annoyed by other people's mistakes.
- I can remind a friend of his debt easily.
- I tell lies from time to time.
- I am capable of taking care of myself.
- I sometimes rode as a hare.
- I prefer competition rather than cooperation.
- I often exhaust myself over little things.
- I consider myself to be a determined and independent person.
- I love all people.
- I believe in myself to solve any problem.
- I can protect my interests while being on the alert.
- Inappropriate humor doesn't make me laugh.
- I recognize authorities, so I respect them.
- I don’t allow myself to be twisted into ropes; I always protest.
- I support any good initiative.
- I never lie.
- I am a practical person.
- It depresses me that I might fail.
- I agree that you need to hope and rely only on yourself.
- Friends can influence me.
- I always consider myself to be right, even if others do not think so.
- I agree that participation is important, not victory.
- Before taking an action, I always think about what other people will think about it.
- I never envy anyone.
Interpretation of positive responses:
A – 1, 6, 7, 11, 13, 18, 20, 23.
B – 2, 4, 8, 10, 14, 17, 19, 22.
B – 3, 5, 9, 12, 15, 16, 21, 24.
If you had the most positive answers in category A, then you understand what assertiveness is, but you don’t use it, because you often feel dissatisfied with yourself or with others.
A larger number of positive answers in category B indicates that you sometimes use an assertive strategy, but not always.
Many positive answers in the B category indicate that you have an adequate idea of yourself, are always responsible for your actions and strive for assertive behavior.
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Assertiveness technique. Assertive criticism
Principles for providing critical information:
- Evaluate the behavior of a given person and its consequences, not the person himself;
- Speak specifically, do not generalize, do not use words: “always”, “never”;
- Separate facts from interpretation;
- Be objective, don't be guided by your prejudices;
- Tell me how to do the right thing;
- Do not convey non-verbal aggression (don’t make a face, speak calmly);
- Approve what was positive in the behavior being assessed;
- Criticize to provoke a change in behavior, not to discharge your negative emotions;
- Provide critical information immediately after the action being assessed, do not remind about mistakes after a long period of time;
- If you express your own opinion, use “I-expressions”, for example, In my opinion..., I think that...;
- Don't criticize in front of third parties.
An example of assertive criticism: “I found several errors in your report. They make everything else untrustworthy. I've highlighted them in red. I expect you to fix them by tomorrow. If you have any doubts, we can discuss them.”
REMEMBER! Your ability to criticize determines the effectiveness of criticism!
What does it mean?
This is what characterizes an assertive person:
In an argument or discussion, he will not save in the face of an attack from his counterpart - they say, how can you prove where the scientific calculations are, the results of which you are referring to? He will just shrug his shoulders: “I know/read/believe in it - and that’s enough.” Moreover, this will be said with dignity, as a synonym for self-respect: I am valuable, I know how to evaluate myself and I do it competently.
A person’s ability not to make excuses or justify one’s behavior is also a manifestation of assertiveness. Such a person does not need to explain the motives for his actions.
Such a person has higher obligations towards himself than towards others. But this is not selfishness, but rationality, balance, wisdom, a consequence of adequate analysis. He does not turn into an opportunist who is ready to trample on his dignity in order to adapt to the needs of society, and does not fall into manipulative speeches about his duty to the country/party/family. By the way, parents often provoke lack of assertiveness in an older child, forcing him to forget about his own interests and take care of the interests of a younger brother or sister, although even by age it is time for the second child to take care of himself.
An assertive person is not afraid to admit that he doesn’t know something, is not “sick” of perfectionism inherent in childhood, and does not suffer from excellent student syndrome. By the way, they say that the most assertive people are former C students who have learned not to be afraid to make mistakes, unlike their peers with gold medals and honors: they stood up, dusted themselves off, and moved on.
Such people do not depend on how they are treated: they do not need to be good in order to be liked by everyone. As a rule, they grow up from children who did not suffer from a lack of love in childhood.
An assertive person is not afraid to admit to his interlocutor that he does not quite understand him or does not understand him at all. At the same time, he is not afraid that he will be considered an ill-mannered or rude person, or that they will stop communicating or loving him.
As we see, assertiveness is not a luxury, but the most important need for a creative person, a harmonious lover of life, skills that are incredibly helpful in work and life. Only in this situation does he become independent from the manipulative networks of society, and they are sources of eternal tension, mental spasms, senseless waste of mental and even physical resources.
An assertive person does not have time and energy for this, but he can spend it on the development of himself and his children.
Communication as equals and assertiveness
How does this happen? How does assertive behavior manifest itself?
It excludes manipulative actions, pressure, aggressiveness, and blackmail. Eliminates the receipt of benefits (any, including psychological) to the detriment of the partner.
It manifests itself as communication and interaction on equal terms, with respect, with careful treatment of the individual (one’s own and other participants) as uniqueness, having equal rights to opinions, actions, mistakes, victories, desires, refusals, etc.
And in parallel with this, an assertive person respects his interests, goes towards his goals, solves his problems, achieves his goals, takes responsibility for what is happening in his life. This is the balance. Is it possible to achieve it?
You can rejoice - this is real!
To begin with, I suggest you find out your level of assertiveness - take the test.
Assertiveness test
Rules:
Read each sentence in the affirmative form.
5. Firmness in one’s own high self-esteem and positive attitude towards the world (positive!). Self-confidence and good condition for assertive behavior. With low self-esteem and uncertainty, a compensation mechanism is activated - a person adapts to the interlocutor from below (allows him to control, lead, he himself remains passive, driven) or from above (behaves aggressively, puts pressure, forces him to obey). Believing in yourself and high self-esteem helps you look at the world positively, control yourself and control the situation, whatever it may be.
The ability to follow the above principles allows you to confidently move through life and receive satisfaction from it. I wish you success!
A person lives in a society that appears in the form of different types of people, their diversity of interests and desires. When people have communication or relationships, their desires turn on: “What do I want from the other person?” Often the desires of partners come into play. Disputes and scandals flare up. A person with developed assertiveness is able to successfully get out of such a situation. The training and assertiveness test will also be discussed in the article.
Test
Do you know what style of behavior is the main one for you? If not, then take a simple assertiveness test.
- When communicating with people, do you notice that your opinion is ignored or your initiative is suppressed?
- Is expressing your opinion a problem for you?
- Do you not know how to defend your point of view?
- Don't you know how to accept criticism?
Do you have this style and do you need to work on developing it? If you answered yes to three out of four questions, then reconsider your attitude towards behavior. If the answers were mostly negative, then you can congratulate yourself - you are an adequate person.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is understood as a person’s ability to defend one’s own interests and protect boundaries, while not limiting the freedom of others and showing respect for them, not depending on their opinions, influence and assessments. An assertive person is able to regulate his own behavior.
Common behavior patterns that can be observed among people are:
- Aggressiveness is when a person is focused on his own desires and tries to manipulate, suppress, and control others.
- Passivity is when a person voluntarily becomes a slave, a victim of other people’s whims due to fear of losing what they have acquired, before change, or due to lack of self-confidence.
With assertiveness, a person becomes a partner, equal and respectful: we are equal and do not demand or owe anything from each other. There is no false modesty or bragging here. A person defends his opinion, while taking into account the views and desires of others.
There are a great many situations when a person is forced to defend his opinion. The seller wants to sell a product you don't like. Relatives demand that you take out a loan. The admirer does not want to lag behind with his courtship. In every situation, it is necessary to maintain self-respect, define your own boundaries, while showing respect for other people, understanding and harmlessly refuse.
When a person is not confident in himself, in the rules by which he lives, in rightness, no matter what it looks like in the eyes of others, in desires and beliefs, he can be influenced. Your beliefs can be changed if you are unsure. You can be “crushed” if you do not consider yourself a good person who lives correctly.
There are people who behave disgustingly, immorally, deceive and manipulate, but are so sure that they are doing the right thing that they cannot be convinced. You need to take an example from these people on how to be convinced that you live correctly and the way you need to, so as not to allow others to “tailor” you to suit themselves.
Be sure that you are right! You will be able to influence and persuade people if you are convinced that whatever you do is right. No one is more powerful than the person who is confident. Even if your thoughts seem wrong and your beliefs seem unthinkable, if you speak about it firmly, confidently, without a shadow of a doubt, then you are more likely to be trusted than someone who speaks the right ideas hesitantly and unconvincingly.
You must sincerely believe that you are right. This does not mean that you now need to humiliate and insult the opinions of other people. It's better not to do this. But so that you yourself do not become an object of “molding” and “cutting” in the hands of others, you need to believe in the correctness of your own rules, beliefs and principles.
People live differently. You don't have to live the way others live. You have the right to live the way that suits you. To do this, you need to become confident in the correctness of the lifestyle you are creating. And leave the indignation of others about this to them. It's not your concern.
