Assertiveness, what is it in psychology - in simple words

Assertiveness is a person’s ability to politely defend their views and opinions, to be restrained but persistent. The ability to defend one’s opinion is a very valuable social, communicative and psychological skill. Assertive, persuasive models are suitable for managerial behavior in production, and they are also useful in everyday life and sports. Let's take a closer look at what assertiveness is in psychology, define the concept and learn the rules of the assertive type of behavior.

Assertive behavior skills

Skills of assertive behavior according to S.V. Kovalev:

• taking responsibility for your behavior;
• self-respect and respect;
• sincerity, honesty and integrity;
• ability to listen and understand;
• Confidence and ability to demonstrate a positive attitude.

Assertiveness helps to fight the intrusiveness of neighbors and sellers, the arrogance of the boss and other people trying to sit on your neck. However, not all people can staunchly defend their opinion, without unnecessary explanations and justifications they can say “I don’t want”, “I don’t need it”, etc. What does this depend on? From personality traits.

What prevents the formation of assertiveness skills?

Assertiveness is closely related to confidence, adequate self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem, and empathy. If these qualities are lacking, then a person cannot show adequate persistence. Why is this happening? It's all about family upbringing: some parents taught them to negotiate and get their way, while others were taught to be obedient, that is, passive and comfortable.

Interesting! The more often a person turns to assertive behavior, the more stable his self-esteem and the greater his self-esteem. The more often a person gives in and sacrifices himself, the lower his self-esteem.

Advantages and disadvantages

Modern psychologists are unanimous in their opinion that assertive behavior is beneficial in various areas of activity. For example, individuals with this trait are most often successful in business and in business negotiations. Assertive individuals easily negotiate with their partners, can clarify important details, and get answers to any questions. Leaders who are familiar with the rules of assertiveness and master its techniques always lead the team entrusted to them to success. Under the leadership of such people, subordinates feel confidence and stability.

Interesting fact: assertiveness has a positive effect not only in business relationships, but also in personal life. It is known that self-sufficient individuals always find a way to achieve reciprocity from the object of their adoration and subsequently build a happy family life.

Many creative people are also assertive, for whom this trait becomes especially important. Being shackled by various conventions and restrictions, they cannot continue their development, create something new and original.

The model of assertive behavior does not have any significant disadvantages. Its only drawback can be considered the feeling of envy that sometimes arises in others, and with it the desire to copy the style of self-sufficient behavior. The result of this is the emergence of competitors who do not always manage to reach a similar level.

Rules of assertive behavior

By and large, there is only one rule of assertiveness: you need to remember that all people have equal rights. Here they are:

• the right to express feelings and emotions;
• the right to express opinions and beliefs;
• the right to agree and disagree;
• the right to change your mind;
• the right to admit one’s mistake and incompetence (“I don’t understand”);
• the right to be yourself and not please others;
• the right not to take on someone else’s responsibility (you are responsible only for your words and actions);
• the right to ask for help;
• the right to set priorities;
• the right to be heard and noticed;
• the right to say “I don’t care” if it really is so (not as an excuse or out of fear);
• the right to be happy and unhappy, successful and unsuccessful, etc. (we choose our own path);
• the right to be illogical in decisions (you do not have to explain every step you take to other people).

Passivity and aggression are two poles at an equal distance from assertiveness

Of course, everyone wants to gain self-confidence and win the respect of relatives, colleagues and friends. However, this is often hampered by attitudes instilled in childhood or acquired through negative life experiences, as a result of which a person loses the ability to communicate with others on equal terms and becomes an aggressor or, on the contrary, becomes accustomed to the role of a victim.

By showing aggressiveness, a person seems to demonstrate self-confidence, even self-confidence. He is trying to suppress the will of everyone who resists him. Characteristic signs of an aggressor:

• constant attempts to invade someone else's personal space;
• conversations conducted in an excessively loud voice;
• the tendency to interrupt the interlocutor, proving to him that his point of view is wrong;
• often slipping phrases like the following: “You don’t know how at all...”, “Shut up, I’ll explain to you now...”, “You’re wasting my time on your nonsense...”.

The aggressor outwardly looks like a very confident person. His goal is to make others “shush”, submit, and accept his point of view as the only correct one. Meanwhile, the true reason for excessive aggressiveness is often lack of confidence in one’s abilities and the fear of revealing this lack of confidence.

The opposite pole of assertiveness is passivity, sacrifice. A person allows himself to be manipulated. He feels so weak, so dependent on the opinions of others, that he agrees to trample on any of his principles, just to be approved and taken under protection.

His “favorite” phrases:

• "You are absolutely right";
• “Sorry to bother you”;
• “I must have made a mistake again”;
• “Oh, I didn’t think, I should have done as you advised”;
• "I don't know…".

It becomes easier for such a person if someone takes responsibility for everything that happens. Yes, everything is not going as we would like, but you don’t have to answer for anything: let someone stronger and braver take it upon themselves. These are the benefits of voluntarily accepting the position of victim.

Both behavior options do not allow building equal partnerships, and therefore people who adhere to them are unlikely to become successful and happy.

Assertiveness techniques

What to do if your interlocutor behaves aggressively? Use one of the assertive behavior techniques:

1. Equanimity. Continue to insist on your point and maintain a calm tone, but at the same time speak a little quieter and slower.
2. Avoiding an answer. We are talking about those situations when you were bombarded with rude questions like this: “Do you have no brains at all?” Don't make excuses. Say that you will double-check everything again and ask for more specifics. If the interlocutor behaves completely inappropriately, then you can look him in the eye, remain silent and leave.
3. Repetition. If the interlocutor does not respond to your arguments, then you need to repeat the same phrase without changing the wording. This technique is suitable for fighting persistent opponents.
4. Strict definition of boundaries. If the interlocutor asks an immodest question, then you can directly say that this is your personal life, it does not concern others. At the same time, you can change the topic or ask an equally immodest question.

These are the basic techniques from assertive psychology.

Recommendations

1.Aggression

Reconsider your opinion about anger and allow yourself to experience and express it. Believe me, it is felt by others on a subconscious level, no matter how hard you try to hide it. Aggression can be both destructive, like the body, relationships, objects around, and creative. It is like a beacon that something has happened that is unacceptable to you, and instead of holding it back or starting to attack, an assertive person will simply state that he is angry when, for example, colleagues take his mug. Learn to notice what you don't like and calmly state it. After all, how will others know about your boundaries if you tolerate and do not indicate them?

2.Formulation of thoughts

Learn to clearly formulate your thoughts, while being positive, without devaluing or humiliating. The psychology of interpersonal relationships places great emphasis on the ability to be clear, a lot depends on this. I wrote about this in the article “How to argue and prove the correctness of your opinion to any person?”

3.Understanding

Learn to appreciate and notice not only your emotions, but also those of your interlocutor. If it is not clear what is happening to him, you can ask directly. Then a dialogue is possible where both sides hear each other.

4.Compromise

Get ready for cooperation. And this means that sometimes you need to suspend yourself in emotions and try to find a compromise. Learn to look for commonalities that bring you together, but at the same time notice the differences. You can learn to stop and control yourself by doing exercises for concentration, awareness, together with breathing techniques. I recommend reading the article about auto-training, this is one of the tools that can help you.

5. Guilt

When you refuse, calmly explain the reason, without sounding apologetic or feeling guilty or afraid that you will now be rejected.

6. Liabilities

Just imagine that no one owes anyone anything. And not only imagine, but also try to bring it to life. By expecting something from people and not receiving it, we make things worse for ourselves, since we then have to deal with disappointment. But we are able to appreciate unexpected actions and feel joy. And in the very word “should” there is little freedom and desire.

7.Self-esteem

Increase your self-esteem, work with fears that cause uncertainty. Take risks and try, anxiety goes away during actions, free your consciousness from it. Read the article with quotes about success, perhaps there you will find tools for action.

8. Self-flagellation

If you were unable to calmly react to the conflict, do not scold yourself and reproach yourself, try to figure out the reasons why you remained silent, ran away, etc. Try to fantasize and come up with words with which you could adequately get out of the situation and achieve understanding with your opponent.

How to learn assertive behavior: my recommendations

How to develop assertiveness in yourself? To learn assertive behavior, you need to understand its essence and structure:

1. A person directly says what he thinks and what he feels. For example: “I'm disappointed. It seems to me that you are deliberately provoking me.” At the same time, he is interested in the opponent’s opinion: “Perhaps, it seems to me. Please tell me how you see this situation, what you think about it.” That is, a person is ready to evaluate his own and others’ positions, wants to understand the essence of the problem, and is ready to compromise.
2. At the same time, he directly and indirectly says: “I will not allow myself to be manipulated, humiliated, insulted, or suppressed. But I myself will respect you. I accept you for who you are and ask the same.”
3. Communication occurs from the “adult – adult” position. All thoughts are presented clearly and directly. No hidden meanings or avoidance of the problem.

What it is?

The term itself appeared thanks to the English word “to assert”, which translated means to declare and defend one’s boundaries.

An assertive person is characterized as a positive, conscious person for whom it is important to find a compromise, even in very difficult situations.

Can behave kindly and reservedly, confidently explaining his point of view, while listening and accepting someone else's. This is a conscious, psychologically mature and open person who knows how to take responsibility for his choices and behavior, without being afraid to say “no.”

Reading the description, it is quite possible to assume that such people do not exist, because since childhood, most of us have been taught exactly the opposite - to be obedient, that is, comfortable, ignoring our own feelings and desires. And then they talked about respect, only, unfortunately, for other people, elders, elderly, famous... Forgetting that a small child also has the right to respect and recognition, and that he will not violate other people’s borders if with the same thrift and accuracy will apply to him.

The other part learned a completely different lesson from childhood - to achieve your goal, even if you have to go over your head, because in life nothing is given so easily and in order to get something, it must be taken away from someone else.

There is even a typology of behavioral styles, and, in addition to assertive, includes:

Passive

It manifests itself as a result of unquestioning obedience. A passive person, afraid of not meeting the expectations of others, tries to be invisible, pleasing them. Puts the needs of others above his own, believing that he does not deserve and is not worthy to claim more. He waits for someone to notice and appreciate him someday, and with his inaction he is somewhat similar to someone who has no goal in life, floating with the flow. I raised this issue in the article about the aimless zombie.

You can recognize passive people by constant apologies, sometimes out of place and in a quiet voice. They do not even give themselves the opportunity to get angry, hiding this feeling behind a smile in order to avoid conflict. We are ready to endure disrespect, bullying and ignorance in order not to bear responsibility. There is such a thing as secondary benefit, that is, an unconscious advantage that a person receives when he leads a destructive lifestyle, has bad habits and even illnesses.

Yes, a passive person does not achieve success, does not realize their needs, but in the event of an unforeseen and negative situation, no one will blame them, punish them, and may even feel sorry for them, like an unfortunate victim, who is perceived in the mind as a good image, positive, with whom acted badly and dishonestly.

Aggressive

Attacks, even if there is no threat, under any circumstances takes a defensive position. The body gets so used to living under stress that it simply requires a constant surge of emotions. Feels his superiority, even if it is imaginary, in conversation the tone is usually elevated, devaluing and sarcastic. Despite the self-confidence they present to the world, such people actually have many complexes that they mask with the help of dominance, power and hostility.

Due to hiding their vulnerability, they pay in full, because in fact they are lonely, because the aggressive style of behavior is their constant companion, even in family and close relationships, which are accordingly destroyed.

Passive-aggressive behavior

The most insidious kind, the height of manipulation, because the anger is hidden, sometimes such a person has nothing to show, because it hurts and sets you up in such a way that you can’t find fault. Manifests itself in the form of stubbornness, unexpected forgetfulness, and avoidance. Next to such a person you feel like a monster and a dragon, because you seem to be unreasonably angry, because they don’t directly show aggression, they smile sweetly, saying what causes rage.

A striking example is a banal insult when a wife punishes her husband by stopping talking to him. She seems to be a victim of an unfair treatment, but she behaves overly aggressively, falling silent, her husband seems to have no right to be angry with her, since he is the culprit of her such a state. Thus, she avoids conflict, an open conversation during which she would have to state what hurt her, but she also does not miss the opportunity to take revenge.

What is assertiveness and why is it needed?

Assertiveness is a whole set of “soft skills” that greatly help in your personal and work life. In a broad sense, this is the ability to feel confident, regardless of the opinions of others, and at the same time be in harmony with other people.

What are assertiveness skills, how to develop them and why is it needed? How to set personal boundaries without violating the boundaries of others? Maria Berlin helped us figure out why assertive employees are valuable .

What is assertiveness?

Generally speaking, this is a person’s ability to confidently and with dignity defend their rights without infringing on the rights of others. An assertive person is aware of and knows how to express his feelings and desires, can stand up for his values, and at the same time feels comfortable communicating with others.

Research by psychologists has shown that a person’s level of assertiveness positively correlates with his psychological health and self-esteem. If a person is psychologically healthy and has no problems with self-esteem, he is most likely assertive, and vice versa.

Assertiveness depends on personality characteristics – physical, psychological. For example, it can manifest itself differently in introverts and extroverts, but everyone will be in harmony with themselves and others, will be able to convey their thoughts, influence the situation and behave proactively. Being able to do all this is one of the components of a healthy and happy life.

What skills does assertiveness consist of?

All these skills are great help in situations where your participation is required. By developing them, you develop your assertiveness - you move from a passive position in relation to your own life to an active one, and you feel more confident.

How do I understand that everything is fine with my assertiveness?

Pay attention to how easy it is for you to express yourself in different situations. To be assertive means to feel comfortable communicating with people of different levels of intimacy: relatives, friends, colleagues, strangers. If the interaction does not spoil your mood, you are not anxious, you are not trying to manipulate, and you can influence what happens, then most likely you are fine with assertiveness.

There is a model of assertive behavior that was developed by psychologist Manuel Smith. It consists of 10 beliefs - descriptions of rights that an assertive person accepts and implements. Here's what they sound like:

1) I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and be responsible for their consequences

There are beliefs that prevent you from accepting this. “What if I seem unceremonious?” “Who am I to judge myself?” “Let someone smarter and more authoritative tell me if I’m behaving correctly.” An assertive person understands: independently assessing his behavior is his inalienable right.

2) I have the right not to apologize or explain my behavior

The attitude that prevents the realization of this right sounds like this: “I must justify myself to other people, always explain my actions and apologize.” But no: you have the right not to make excuses for your actions.

3) I have the right to independently consider whether and to what extent I am responsible for solving other people’s problems

Another characteristic of an assertive person is the ability to understand when it is worth solving other people’s problems and when not, and to take responsibility for your decisions. A belief that conflicts with this right might be: “I must always sacrifice my time and dignity, and be adaptable. Other people's problems take higher priority than I think."

4) I have the right to change my mind

Let's say you expressed one point of view, and then you got new information and changed your opinion. There's nothing wrong with that. Moreover, change is a sign of growth. You can be manipulated: “you have double standards,” “that means you were mistaken.” But it's okay to make mistakes. The following follows from this right:

5) I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for my mistakes

This is a painful topic in our culture: we are afraid to make mistakes, and if we make a mistake, we feel guilty for a long time. Many people strive to be constantly monitored (this makes it more difficult to make a mistake), and if something goes wrong, it is better to hide it. It's hard to admit, but we all have the right to make mistakes. Such a right, however, exists in close connection with the responsibility that one must take upon oneself and with the ability to justify one’s actions.

6) I have the right to say: “I don’t know”

This is also difficult for many people – especially for people with excellent student or perfectionist syndrome. For example, a person is asked a question at a presentation, but he does not know the answer. First thought: “We need to somehow get out, say something, so as not to look stupid.” But you can say, “I don’t know.” Or “I can’t answer this question now: there is no information.” Or “let’s look, who knows.”

7) I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others and their good attitude towards me

The search for approval and dependence on it often suppresses a person’s true desires and needs. If you constantly need approval and you act in a way that is convenient for others, you are probably infringing on yourself: you are not allowing what is important to you to manifest itself, regardless of the opinions of others.

I have the right to make illogical decisions

It happens that the arguments presented to you are not enough to agree with someone’s decision, even if everything sounds very logical. This applies to creative processes, situations where there is a lot of uncertainty or great risks. You may not be able to formulate a logical conclusion, but your intuition - and this is the result of accumulated knowledge and experience - may whisper: “You shouldn’t do this.” You have the right to trust her.

9) I have the right to say: “I don’t understand you”

The belief that prevents the realization of this right sounds like this: “It is better not to ask unnecessary questions, but to try to guess the thoughts of another person. If I say I don’t understand, I’ll lose my relationship and support.” This is wrong. If it is important for you to understand your interlocutor, but it doesn’t work out, ask a question. If the other person is interested in the relationship, he will explain his point of view.

10) I have the right to say: “I’m not interested in this”

You don’t have to respond to everything, be interested in everything – that’s not even possible. You have your own range of interests, others have their own hobbies, and if they don’t coincide with you, that’s okay. An attitude that prevents you from accepting this right: “If I am not interested in what others like, people will consider me indifferent or callous.”

In theory, I understand everything, but when it comes down to it, I start to get confused. What to do?

We need to find the reason why this happens. Perhaps you simply lack the information or skill to behave in difficult situations the way you would like. For example, you quickly become confused when you are being manipulated. You can cope with this problem by going to special training. Another option is constant practice: participating in negotiations with more experienced colleagues on your side. Several sessions with a psychologist can also help.

Perhaps the reason for the insecurity lies deeper: in childhood there was not enough support from the family, there was a lot of criticism or other difficulties. Because of this, depression could develop, a passive attitude towards life - “it’s better not to show it”, or, conversely, aggression - “I’ll show you now.” Neither one nor the other can be called assertive behavior. To process a traumatic experience, you should consult a psychologist.

How to learn to say “no”?

There are six ways to refuse - if you really don't want or can't do something.

• Just “no” – a basic human right to refuse

Sometimes it’s enough to just say “no” and not explain anything: “No, I’m not interested.” In some cases (for example, you are imposed a service that is not needed), this is enough - without explanations or justifications.

• Empathetic “no”

If you cannot help, but you understand the interlocutor and sincerely empathize, then say: “I see this is a very difficult situation, but I can’t help now.” The person who was refused will understand that he was listened to - and he may already feel better.

• Reasonable “no”

This type of “no” is good for work relationships: when you refuse, you explain your position in detail. The interlocutor may not know the intricacies of your work, may not understand the level of employment - present your arguments. If they are convincing, the person will understand why you are refusing.

• Delayed “no”

It is suitable for difficult situations: for example, you feel that your “no” will not be accepted now and they will push their position - even if your arguments are more convincing. You are stressed, and in this state it is impossible to make an informed decision. Give both yourself and your interlocutor a break. Your answer may sound like this: “Right now I can’t make promises, I need to think about everything. Let's return to this issue in a week." Gather your thoughts and think about how you will justify the refusal - or maybe, after weighing all the pros and cons, you will understand that you should agree.

• Compromise “no”

For example, you are asked to urgently help colleagues from another department. Now you cannot take on the task, but in principle you are ready - at a time convenient for you and under convenient conditions. In this case, you can say a compromise “no”: “I can’t right now, but in a week I’m ready to take it.” The decision will remain with the interlocutor.

• Diplomatic “no”

Let's say you are ready to help, but you cannot and do not want to do exactly what is offered to you. Then you can say a diplomatic “no”: “I can’t do this, but let’s look at the problem and look for some other solution or turn to a colleague who will help us figure it out.”

Be aware of the types of “no” and that disagreement can be expressed in different ways. If you are being pressured - it may not look like direct pressure, but you feel unwell: you are shaking, or nauseous, or you feel weaker - it is important to understand that this is manipulation. In such a situation, you have every right to say “no” and not go into excuses and explanations.

Maybe you have met an assertive interlocutor, and he is ready to listen to you. Or perhaps you are being manipulated - here the ability to say “no” is opposed by a lot of emotional experiences, and stability is important in the ability to say “no”.

It turns out that assertiveness is about building personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries are a fairly flexible structure. They change depending on who you are talking to, in what situation, in what mood, whether you got enough sleep or not. The ability to feel when your personal boundaries are violated, and the ability to let you know about it, but not aggressively - this is assertive behavior.

Why does a company need assertive employees?

Often at work people, for various reasons, do not say what they are not happy with and hush up problems. Look at the 10 principles above - they may sound scary for an organization as a system. What happens if everyone starts expressing dissatisfaction? But recognition of these rights is very important for both people and the company. An assertive approach promotes honesty, transparency, openness and problem solving.

There is a scene in the Chernobyl series that perfectly illustrates assertive behavior - the meeting between Legasov and Gorbachev at a meeting after the explosion. Legasov tries to explain that the situation is bad, but everyone says that he is worried about trifles and is trying to hush up the matter. But he insists, he cannot afford to be out of touch with himself: if he remains silent, he will come into conflict with his own position and attitudes. And he says: “Let me share my concern with all calm and respect.” This is assertive delivery. Not “you all don’t understand anything,” but calmness and a demonstration of absolute confidence.

High-level negotiations involve assertive people with developed soft skills. They know how to conduct a dialogue, calmly and clearly expressing their position, without infringing on the rights of others.

What happens if you don't behave assertively?

Constant refusals of oneself – one’s desires, positions, values; Suppressing one’s own feelings and actions can in the long term lead to burnout, increased anxiety, and depression.

What if I cheat on myself for some benefit?

It is a matter of how you have negotiated with yourself. You said to yourself: “Okay, now I need this, and I consciously make this decision, I am responsible for it.” If you manage to conclude such an agreement with yourself, this is not a betrayal of yourself. But if you betrayed your beliefs and pretended that everything was fine, this is not assertiveness, but internal manipulation.

Can a person have too much assertiveness?

No, assertiveness is always proportionate to a person’s inner world. If you have a hundred beliefs, then for you to be assertive is to be able to express them. Not necessarily all, but at least the most important ones. For a person who has fewer desires and thoughts, assertiveness will be different. Assertiveness is also very related to the concept of self-esteem. And there can’t be too much of it.

Is it possible to improve assertiveness on your own?

Yes. Here's what will help:

• Manuel Smith's book, Confidence Training.

• Exercise “Taking into account praise.” Keep a separate notebook and write down three things every day for which you can praise yourself. This develops the ability to speak and accept compliments - and these are components of assertive behavior.

• A hobby that allows you to express yourself. This could be vocal classes, dancing, acting classes, sports. The main thing is that the activity brings pleasure and allows you to express yourself - even more than usual.

If you cannot figure out on your own what is preventing you from behaving assertively, you should consult a psychologist.

Photo: Unsplash