How to build relationships if previous experience was unsuccessful

Negative experiences pump you up more brightly. Just remember this! Your relationship with your loved one ended in failure and you can’t get it back?

Don't be sour, man. Do you know what the difference is between a boy and a man? A man gives himself a week to be sad, and then he gathers his eggs in a pile and rushes on like a tank. And the boy just relaxes his buns and whines, whines, whines!

I'll tell you how to behave like a man in a morally difficult situation. Read on and do it. Do you hear? I took it and did it.

Read also: Men's mistakes after a breakup

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

You heard right. Whining that she was the one - well, who needs it? Who abandoned whom? Has she gone to someone else? When a woman commits a rash act and thinks about pussy, it’s not just like that. Think and find a reason so you don’t repeat it in your next relationship.

Maybe you didn’t spend enough time with your beloved? Women need attention. WARNING - I'm talking. They, like delicate flowers, wither without your attention or are poked by a mean neighbor. Think about what you would trade the relationship for? Work, friends, mom?

You should accept defeat with dignity, and not prove to the whole world that she is the whore and you are the golden man. Remember, in any disagreement, both are to blame. The woman went on a spree? Didn’t love, didn’t caress, didn’t protect. Therefore, I selected nurses, analyzed the situation and drew conclusions. This is the only way you can avoid repeating these mistakes in your next relationship.

Why do you need experience in relationships?

Almost all girls want to get married. This is required by human nature, and society constantly presses with questions: why are you alone?

Wanting to get married is one thing. And when they come to me for consultations with questions about building their personal life, that is, with marriage, I am interested in what experience they currently have. I think this question is extremely important.

Sometimes it turns out that a girl at 30 is like a blank slate - there really wasn’t a relationship. Or there was no long-term relationship, a couple of weeks or a couple of months at most. From this experience you can, of course, understand something, but this is very little.

Why do we need experience in relationships?

Experience is needed to be prepared for marriage ! You won't be able to make the perfect tiramisu the first time - that's a fact. It's the same with relationships. There are, of course, women who get married the first time and are happy, but that’s a different story.
Experience is needed for positive and negative comparison . By comparing our states in relationships with different partners, we can understand what to strive for and what to run away from.
Experience gives us the experience of failure, and this is really cool ! Because suffering in a relationship is just as important. Experience gives us an understanding of what we want? Until we connect our lives, for example, with a man who is walking, we will not be able to reconsider our views on relationships. If you think that a relationship is when everything is perfect, then you are deeply mistaken; there is no relationship without suffering.
Experience allows you to know yourself better . While you are NOT in a relationship with someone, you don’t know much about yourself. Only by being in a relationship with a man who undermines trust can you learn how you deal with jealousy. Or if they don’t give you gifts, how do you really react to it. Until you experience it in person, you can only guess what your reaction is and how you cope with certain feelings.
Experience helps save time . Time is the most valuable resource. And the sooner you start gaining experience, the better. Approximately the same experience at 25 years old and at 35 years old is different. Do you agree?

Experience is conscious and unconscious.

Conscious when you built a relationship and understood what was happening to me, why I react this way, how I react to the words (deeds, actions) of my partner. When you understand what is happening, what you like, what you don’t like. You know what you are ready for and what you are not. When you don't meet just to meet. When you understand your mistakes and try not to repeat them.

Through conscious experience you should know and understand:

what do you want from a relationship and a man;
what you agree to in a relationship and what you don’t (what behavior, plans for life, bad habits, past relationships and the presence of children - there are many aspects);
what you are willing to put up with and what you are not;
what kind of man do you want;
what relationship-related complexes do you have (for example, you feel insecure in his company or have problems with sex);
knowing clearly your own and others’ boundaries is extremely important;
just about being yourself;
understand the psychology of men;
do not repeat your own mistakes;
understand where you personally have problems when building relationships.

This is a sample list.

An unconscious experience is unconscious because you step on the same rake and your personal life does not change for the better. There is nothing to add here except go to personal therapy and practice mindfulness.

In any case, I am in favor of having more experience, so that it is CONSCIOUS and only beneficial. If you find it difficult to track your experience and analyze mistakes, consulting a psychologist will help.

Take care of yourself

Read here carefully. Borrow it. Yours. Time. You should be busy in all your free time. Get to work, you finally have time for this. Join the gym. Just don’t take photos from there on Instagram, you came to upgrade yourself. At worst, visit all those places that you have long wanted to.

You must be busy all the time you are not sleeping. I know how hard it is to get yourself out of bed. But are we men or what? Picked up and forward to new achievements! Now is the time to pump yourself up to the fullest.

Just imagine, in six months a man will look at you from the mirror a couple of levels higher and cooler than now. Believe me, I know what I'm saying. If you really want, you can change yourself. Analyze all your actions and do what will bring you results in the future.

It's likely that your ex will eventually want to come back, but it's up to you to decide. Whether you want to accept it or not. Your life tomorrow depends on your actions today. Do you want to have a high-status beauty next to you? Become a status man!

Be a man until the end

When you started your relationship, she was the best, right? So, remember this when you want to tell everyone the details of your fucking or some nasty things about your girlfriend, even if she is already an ex-girlfriend. A woman is an indicator of a man. Do you remember that both partners are responsible for the relationship?

You didn’t give it - she messed up and vice versa. So, leave all the details in your head. If she left, such conversations will not make you feel any better. It just hurts every time it’s mentioned. Just think, with one phrase you can ruin her life and make it worse for yourself! This is the act of a woman-man.

Have you given up your passion? Moreover, you have no right to say anything about her. Just keep up the good work and don’t stoop to the level of macho men from the back alley who lengthen their penises by humiliating women.

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Bad experiences from past relationships. Liberation.

This is a chapter from the book Healing Loneliness .

Surely you have had relationships in the past that brought you a lot of pain, tears, and disappointments. Perhaps the person you love turned out to be not as decent as you imagined him to be and betrayed you. Cheated with another woman, deceived. Or maybe, on the contrary, he was an ideal man and gave you the hope of creating a happy family, and then smashed it to pieces and abandoned you. Or hurt your feelings in some other way. In any case, a bad experience inevitably affected your attitude towards other men, your worldview, in a word, for the rest of your life.

After a painful, unprocessed relationship, your heart may have hardened, closed in fear of letting in even more pain. Perhaps it was the person you loved in the past who made you believe in male irresponsibility, dishonor, meanness, and elevated such qualities as commitment, loyalty, determination and diligence to the category of female illusions , in which we sometimes so want to believe. Since you loved him, and in your eyes this man was an authority, you believed him.

Having experienced an unsuccessful relationship with the opposite sex, you cannot create new relationships, since your subconscious is trying to isolate you from new pain and future suffering. You consciously want to meet a man for a serious relationship , but subconsciously you are afraid of this. As a result of this imbalance, you begin to emit energy that repels men, and as a result, you suffer from prolonged loneliness. But in fact, you just need to stop the running program: “Men bring a lot of pain.”

Or another scenario. You had a harmonious relationship in which you were completely happy. Your lover seemed to you the ideal man with whom you were ready to start a family and be together until old age. But such an idyll did not last long, and you broke up. It doesn’t matter why: either this idyll was just your illusion, and in fact the man was not happy with everything, or the circumstances were such that you had to break up.

The result is still the same - you continue to have feelings for him, idealizing your former relationship, and involuntarily compare with him anyone who comes within a kilometer of you. In such an unequal struggle, the former man always wins, not giving the future one the opportunity to prove himself. At the same time, you are deeply unhappy, because you don’t know how to forget past feelings and stop comparing.

Two completely different situations, and the same result - your loneliness . In both the first and second cases, you need to work through past relationships, break the connection that holds you at the energy level, let go of all grievances and complaints, both towards a specific person and towards the entire male sex. Only then will you be able to free yourself from heavy burdens, cleanse yourself and open your heart to new relationships.

You can’t even imagine how much mental strength and your feminine energy you spend on claims, grievances, and regrets! In every relationship you need to draw strength and inspiration for spiritual growth, and not get bogged down in useless memories and degrade.

I bring to your attention a meditation that will help you work through bad experiences and open your heart to new happy relationships.

Meditation “Liberation from past relationships”

Take a position that is comfortable for you and in which you can remain for a certain time. Try to relax completely, from the top of your head to your toes. Your body becomes heavy, you feel how every cell of your body relaxes.

Now imagine yourself walking through the forest. You feel light and calm while walking along the path and admiring nature. You hear the chirping of birds, their singing sounds like music in the thicket of the forest. All around are mighty trees, among which the rays of the sun filter through and gently caress their leaves. The leaves rustle under your feet, your soul is joyful and free.

Suddenly the path led you to a clearing, where a well-known person was already waiting for you. So far you only see his silhouette, but now you come closer and recognize the man you loved. This significant meeting is the last opportunity for you to say all those words that remained unspoken and finally put an end to your relationship.

Look this person in the eyes, remember your bad experience, how he offended you, what pain he caused. Get out from the most secluded corner of your soul all those grievances that you have hidden so securely! Immerse yourself mentally in the very core of your pain, feel it again, as if you have returned to the past and are experiencing suffering right now. And now, looking into his eyes, say everything you couldn’t before! All those unspoken words that still burn you, finally say them! And when you finish, cleanse your soul, release your grievances, say: “I forgive you for all the pain that you intentionally or unintentionally caused me.”

Take a deep breath and imagine that as you exhale, you are letting go of all your grievances, and they are leaving your soul away. Inhale and exhale again. Breathe like this until you feel that it is easy for you to breathe and that you have truly forgiven this person.

Now mentally return to your relationship and remember all the good things that happened between you. After all, you loved this man! So there was something to love him for! Revisit these happy moments in your life and feel yourself filled with a sense of gratitude. Tell him thank you! Thank him for the love he gave you.

Think about it: were you an ideal companion for him? Perhaps you also caused him a lot of pain? After all, we always notice only other people’s shortcomings, feel only our own pain, and sometimes we ourselves bring suffering to our loved ones. Even if you don’t know how you might have offended your ex-lover, still ask him for forgiveness. Sincerely, from the heart.

Now the conversation is over and there is no point in continuing it. Say a farewell phrase: “I accept with joy and gratitude our common past with you, the unfortunate experience that you gave me, but now I have a different life. I let you go and wish you happiness!” Imagine how you turn around and leave, leaving your ex-man, your past relationships, your bad experience in this clearing. You don’t look back, but look forward, to where a happy future awaits you.

With love, Yulia Kravchenko

Don't go all out

After a breakup, men may experience a period of euphoria. Parties, alcohol, chicks: the man is free! The whole world should know about this. But just as you abruptly climb to this peak of pleasure and revelry, you also quickly and fucking painfully fall down.

Parties end, chicks go to others, friends forget. And the man is left alone with himself and his pain.

Take it gradually, don’t rush to freedom like a hungry cat - you might end up vomiting.

Realize everything that happened.
Draw your own conclusions.
Chat with friends and don't shut yourself out from their support.
Control yourself, don’t fill the void with yet another shit.

Then, when enough time has passed, you may greatly regret everything that was weird during this period. For what? Do you want your head to hurt because of this?

Guilt is a sign of responsibility

But don't go too far with this. The fact that you see your guilt is very strong, man! You took responsibility for the breakup and acted like a man. But don't get hung up on it.

The best thing to do with guilt is to throw it away. No, don’t forget it all, like a bad dream. And analyze, draw conclusions and move on. You are both at fault and it doesn't matter who decided to end the relationship. Your life doesn't end. Just imagine, you have to wake up and go to sleep every day with a fucking feeling of guilt. Like? No normal person is capable of this.

Stop telling yourself that you are somehow ugly and no woman will love you. The ex, of course, may be the best. But the light did not converge on her like a wedge.

Pimp yourself! By the way, right now you have a wonderful opportunity. Time + anger + incentive = more drive and persistence. Become the best version of yourself and then any beauty will want to be with you.

You may have broken up with your ex, but your future will be 100 times cooler. Remember, as you grow, the level of your women grows.

So forget about your snot and pump yourself up both externally and internally. It depends only on you what kind of woman will be next to you. Feeling guilty says that you are a normal man, you just can give in. You are also a person and have the right to this.

What are personality relationships?

In psychology, starting with V.N. Myasishchev, the founder of the Russian concept of personal relationships, “attitude” is defined as “the psychological connection of a person with the world of things and people around him.” Personal relationships form a system that includes the relationship to objects and phenomena of the external world (subject-object relationships), the relationship to other people (subject, interpersonal relationships) and the relationship to oneself (self-relationship). Traditionally, the relationship of an individual to various social objects and situations is studied in psychology as social settings, or attitudes, of the individual. In Western psychology, the history of the study of attitudes began in 1918, when the definition of attitude was given as “an individual’s psychological experience of the value, meaning, and meaning of a social object.” Since then, foreign psychology has accumulated considerable experience in the study of attitudes, and their functions and structure have been determined. In Russian psychology, V. A. Yadov proposed a “hierarchical scheme of dispositional regulation of an individual’s social behavior,” combining personality attitudes at various levels:

elementary fixed attitudes (formed in the simplest situations based on vital needs);
social fixed attitudes (formed in a small group based on a person’s need for communication);
basic social attitudes (formed in broader social areas - in the labor sphere, in the leisure sphere - based on the fundamental human need for activity);
value orientations of the individual.

In addition to relationships in line with the social attitudes of an individual, psychology also studies relationships in the context of phenomena such as attraction and affiliation. Attraction is the appearance, when one person is perceived by another, of his attractiveness for the subject of perception. When studying attraction, the main attention is paid to identifying the factors influencing the formation of sympathy or antipathy for the object of perception; Thus, it has been established that one of the main factors in the emergence of attractive relationships is the external attractiveness and competence of people. Affiliation is a person’s desire to be in the company of other people, an individual’s orientation towards support from another person. As a result of numerous experiments, it has been revealed that people have different levels of expression of affiliative tendencies that determine their relationships with each other.

Thus, “attitude” is a broader concept than “social attitude,” “attraction,” or “affiliation.” Personal relationships as a psychological phenomenon are characterized by the following essential features :

a person’s relationships are related to his needs (physiological and primarily psychological). A relationship arises as a kind of connection between a subject (person) experiencing a need and an object (be it a person or an object in the surrounding world) capable of satisfying this need. This connection or, in other words, the relationship of the subject to the object, manifests itself, according to V.N. Myasishchev, in “the experience of attraction to an object and in the active striving to master it.” For example, a child’s attitude towards his mother is determined by both his physiological needs and psychological needs for protection and safety. Psychology considers the following psychological needs that mediate a person’s relationship to himself and others: the need to establish close relationships; in control of oneself and others; the need for inclusion in various social groups; need for self-esteem;, for positive evaluation; the need for understanding, sympathy, care; the need to be needed, significant;
In communication, attitude is interconnected with reflection and person-to-person interaction. The emergence of a relationship is preceded by the stage of perception (reflection) by the subject of the object and assessment (based on reflection) of its potential capabilities in terms of satisfying certain of its needs. Thus, as a result of a person’s reflection of the surrounding reality, an attitude is formed, which then manifests itself in the forms of interaction enshrined in the speech and expressive behavior of the person;
relationship is both a process and a result of communication and interaction; its structure consists of cognitive, emotional and behavioral components. Based on their combination, the type and type of relationship are determined. Attitude as a process goes through certain stages in its development: the formation of an attitude, the development of an attitude, the stabilization or disintegration of an attitude. Attitude as a result has certain parameters: sign, intensity, modality, awareness, etc.

Along with the concept of “attitude,” psychology uses the concepts of “interpersonal attitude,” “relationship,” and “intergroup relations.”

An interpersonal relationship is a type of personal relationship that is revealed in relation to another; it is a subject-subject relationship. It is one of the components of the system of personal relationships, along with self-attitude and attitude towards objects of the surrounding world. To denote interpersonal relationships in psychology, the term “relationship” is used; in order to emphasize that interpersonal relationships, or relationships, are the result of mutual perception, cognition, influence, influence, evaluation, there is, according to K.A. Abulkhanova Slavskaya, “some ideal product of mutual efforts.” Sometimes the term "relationship" is reduced to the concept of "attitude"; so, V.I. Paniotto writes in the book “The Structure of Interpersonal Relations” (1975) that “the relationship between L and B is the totality of the relationship between L and B and the relationship between B and A (more precisely, the system of these relations, because they are, as a rule, closely interrelated and represent constitute a certain integrity, and not just a totality).” Finally, the terms “attitude” and “relationship” are used to refer to different stages of relationship dynamics. For example, L.Ya. Gozman (1987) showed that at the inception stage, an attitude is an “individual phenomenon” characterized by a direction from the subject of the attitude to the object of the attitude; as it develops, the individual relationship turns into a mutual relationship, or “dyadic relationship.”

In contrast to interpersonal relations, intergroup relations are understood as “a subjective reflection (perception) of the diverse connections that arise between social groups, as well as the mode of interaction of groups determined by it.”

At the moment, psychology has identified two main directions in the study of personality relationships: structural and dynamic. Within the framework of the structural direction, work is underway to study the various components of attitudes, and a search for methodological tools is being carried out to measure them. It is generally accepted to distinguish emotional, cognitive and behavioral components in the structure of a relationship.

The dynamic direction of studying human relationships involves considering them as a process from the moment of emergence to collapse. The basis of this direction is the fundamental position about the dynamic nature of personal relationships, developed by V.N. Myasishchev, L.I. Antsiferova, K.A. AbulkhanovaSlavskaya, I.S. Konom et al. Within the framework of the dynamic direction, information was obtained about the forms of relationship dynamics. For example, two forms of relationship dynamics have been identified: development, which includes new formations in the sphere of relationships, irreversible changes in the system of relationships of the individual (progress and regression) and functioning, which includes reversible changes within the established organization of the individual. This type of dynamics is also called relationship rhythms, which is understood as a periodic change in relationship parameters (sign, intensity, modality, etc.) over time.

Thus, among the concepts of “attitude”, “interpersonal attitude”, “mutual relationship”, “intergroup relations”, the broadest is the concept of “attitude”, which is considered as a psychological connection between a subject and an object (which can be the subject himself, another person, objects and phenomena of the surrounding world or social group). The concept of “interpersonal relations” covers the area of relationships between people, and “intergroup relations” - between social groups. The concept of “relationship” reflects the quality of the existing relationships, namely: their reciprocity, the degree of symmetry.

LITERATURE 1. Abulkhanova-Slavskaya K.A. Personal aspect of the problem of communication in psychology. M., 1981. S. 218-241. 2. Andreeva I.M. Social Psychology. M., 1996. P. 288-303. 3. Antsyferova L.I. Personality from the perspective of a dynamic approach // Psychology of personality in a socialist society” personality and its life path. M., 1990. P. 7-17. 4. GozmanLYa. Psychology of emotional relationships. M., 1987. P. 75-101. 5. Myasishchev V.N. Psychology of relationships: Selected psychological works. M., 1995. P. 1527. 6. Smirnova E.O. Formation of interpersonal relationships in early ontogenesis // Questions of psychology. 1994. No. 6. P. 5-15.