How to stop being a victim in life - how to get out of this role

Author of the article: Naumenko Alexandra Igorevna Family psychologist, child psychologist. Practical work experience: 8 years.

In relationships with family, friends, work colleagues, and even with ourselves, we appear in a certain role. Whether this role is a victim or a winner depends on individual character traits, upbringing and experience. It is interesting that the roles of the participants taking part in communication are distributed a few seconds before the start of interaction, and this happens most often on an unconscious level.

Personality psychology is directly related to how well a person is able to experience negative experiences and stress, and what efforts he makes to solve problems. It depends on this what role he will play - the winner or the victim. Often this choice depends on the nature of the stress, willpower and temperament of the individual. Today we will talk about the position of the victim in psychology.

Who is the victim and what is it eaten with?

Or rather, they devour from the inside, savoring every bite with pleasure. And the victim is only glad - after all, she loves to suffer. In the article we will talk about the victim syndrome in relationships with a man, but people of both sexes tend to be victims, in different situations, under different circumstances. Being a victim is:

• Trying to live up to others' expectations
• Adapt to those around you
• Doing something you don't like
• Spend time with people you don't want around you
• Living with a person who doesn't love you or whom you don't love
• Receive a low salary and be content with it, and also complain about it
• Living a completely different life than you would like

Well, I think you roughly understand. And most likely, they recognized themselves in some way. If yes, read on.

What is a victim complex?

The victim complex is the attitudes, life position and behavior of people who tend to act as victims in different situations. It is with them that unforeseen situations, accidents, and failures in various aspects often happen.

A representative with a victim complex is characterized by:

• always complain about something;
• get involved in ridiculous situations;
• blame the people around you for your problems: family members, friends, acquaintances, co-workers at work or classmates, a salesperson from a nearby store;
• to be unsure;
• to think that all troubles are due to a coincidence of circumstances;
• accepting pity from other people as an expression of love;
• be afraid to express your feelings and opinions;
• often give up in the face of difficulties, give up quickly;
• always and everywhere expect that something is about to happen;
• a desire to become better that no one notices;
• feel awkward when you need to ask for help;
• it’s difficult to refuse someone’s offers or requests;
• wait for approval from others to move forward;
• often ask friends for advice without making a decision yourself;
• bad mood, feeling depressed, sometimes depression.

It’s easy to figure out from the phrases: “Don’t pay attention to it - it’s always like this with me,” “I don’t expect the best in this life,” “Nothing depends on me,” “I’m unlucky all the time,” “When will this all stop?” ?.

Forever sick and unhappy - this phrase is about them. These are people who catch colds very often, or have more severe chronic illnesses. Because illness and poor health are an easy way to become an object of attention and care.

For the victim, this behavior is habitual . There is no understanding that all negative situations are not accidental. But just a consequence of thinking and acting. In fact, he just wants to receive love from others. But he doesn’t know how to build strong relationships. Therefore, you have to subconsciously manipulate in this way.

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A ready-made guide to leaving the role of a victim

I made a lot of mistakes when I tried to please others.

Oprah Winfrey

Especially for those who are in the role of a victim and want to get out of it, I wrote the book “From Victim to Hero: The Path of a Strong Man.” It consists of practical tasks and exercises, after completing which you will stop allowing people and circumstances to control you, learn to defend yourself and your opinion, speak out loud about what does not suit you, take responsibility for your life and get out of the role of a victim in relationships. The book is aimed at increasing self-esteem and developing the ability to say and do what you want, and not others.

I included in the book only the most effective and working techniques that were tested on many of my clients during my psychological practice. By completing them, you will step out of the role of victim and take life into your own hands. And then you will be able to become an independent person, an independent adult and build your life the way you want.

You can read the full description and reviews of the book, and also purchase it using the link.

On one side of the scale lies fear - on the other there is always freedom!

My second book is dedicated to building healthy relationships, it is called “Into a happy relationship through self-love.”

After reading it, you will learn to defend yourself and your boundaries, get out of the role of a victim, talk to your partner so that he hears you and listens, and you will be able to get out of love addiction. You will learn how to remain interesting to your partner for many years, create a desire to remain faithful, and resolve conflicts correctly. It's about how to learn to treat yourself so that your relationship with your partner becomes happy.

This book is a real bridge leading to psychologically healthy relationships. It contains a lot of information presented for in-depth work on yourself, and then on relationships. Now you will finally understand what you did wrong and, having worked on your mistakes, you will be able to give yourself a long and happy, and most importantly, a healthy union.

You can read the full description of the book, read reviews and purchase the book using the link.

How not to become a savior

To avoid being drawn into victim games and becoming a deliverer, control your feelings and emotions. Do not offer help or give advice when you are not asked to do so. Do not impose your help and kindness. Otherwise, there is a high chance that some victim will find you. Well, when you hone the role of a deliverer, it won’t be long before you become a victim yourself.

Victim syndrome in a relationship with a man is...

We have looked at the reasons for the emergence of the victim role and come to the main part. How does victim syndrome manifest itself in relationships? Why do we love to suffer so much? Why do we suffer even when parting with a tyrant instead of breathing a sigh of relief? First things first.

So, let's assume that the girl grew up in the absence of unconditional love, constantly hearing criticism addressed to her and not being dearly loved by her father. At the subconscious level, she has the idea that love and suffering are inseparable. And with all her gut, subconsciously, she begins to gravitate towards aggression, choosing men who will give her the opportunity to suffer. The victim does not seek happiness in a relationship. At the subconscious level, she is looking for someone who will give her those childhood memories and sensations.

With her head, of course, she wants happiness, but her unconscious wants aggression. Because love in its understanding always goes along with aggression, with emotional, psychological or physical violence. She grew up in this, this love-suffering is dear to her.

Why do you think you are attracted to some men while you are neutral towards others? Libido is built on this. If a man reminds you of something from your childhood, he hooks you. It can be anything - smell, facial features, voice, intonation, character, demeanor. Otherwise, the man will not evoke any emotions in you.

Once you step out of the victim role in a relationship, you realize that there was almost no happiness in this relationship. You will realize that you suffered most of the time in the relationship. So why did you hold on to them so stubbornly then? Why did you sometimes think that you wouldn't find anyone better than him?

The whole point is that you put your resentment into it. The resentment that you have nurtured within yourself since childhood. The resentment that was eating you from the inside. With his appearance, words, actions or smell (whatever) he evoked those childhood feelings in you. And you mentally, subconsciously transferred these sensations into him. He is the culprit that makes you feel so bad. But now that you have broken up, you have lost the person who helped you live in the way you were used to living since childhood.

How to stop enjoying suffering and get out of the role of a victim? How do you understand that what happened in childhood is abnormal, and that another, healthy love is normal? Read on.

Forecast

The position of the victim is one of the most comfortable, because there is always a “good reason” for one’s own mistakes. Therefore, it is often difficult for a patient to part with this “title”.

It is possible to help a person with the syndrome. If you consult a psychotherapist in a timely manner and follow all his recommendations, the patient can return to a normal, healthy life. But quite often this also requires the help of friends, family, and loved ones. They must stop sympathizing and assenting to the patient's pitiful speeches. Instead, during the conversation, you should ask direct questions that will help the person evaluate all his actions and thoughts adequately. Only in this case will the eternal victim finally turn into a healthy and cheerful person.

How to get out of the role of a victim - step-by-step instructions

If you ask the victim if he likes to suffer, he will deny it because everything we talk about in this article is unconscious. It takes wisdom and courage to take off your rose-colored glasses and fully realize that you are the victim. So, step-by-step instructions for getting out of the role of a victim in a relationship:

• Admit to yourself that you are a victim. The fact that you like being her. I like to suffer and be offended. It’s so convenient to be weaker than someone, to complain and not take responsibility. But sooner or later you need to become an adult. Learn to build adult relationships. Accept the victim within you, and then you will be able to free yourself from this role. Recognizing and accepting a problem is the first step to solving it. To win the game, you must first accept its terms

• No matter what happens, always keep your focus on yourself. Several times a day, ask yourself the question: “How am I feeling now?” If the answer is repeatedly charged with a negative emotion, do everything to change it to a positive one. If this is not possible, leave. From this person, from this situation, from this job. Don't allow yourself to live a life you don't like
• If possible, don't do anything you don't want to do. Don’t be impatient, speak up right away if something doesn’t suit you. Learn to say “No.” Don't be afraid to be bad. People with low self-esteem are afraid of being bad, out of fear that they will be rejected. But nothing will happen to you if you refuse a person. Even if after this he leaves your life, this will only mean that the person who tried to lure you into the victim’s trap has left you. And your task is to get out of it and start living a psychologically healthy, happy life
• Especially for those who want to get out of the role of a victim, I wrote the book “From Victim to Hero: The Path of a Strong Man,” which is a ready-made step-by-step instruction for getting out of the role of a victim and becoming a strong and independent person. You can read its full description and purchase it using the link

• Don't be afraid of what people might think of you. If you notice that there are a lot of people around you who criticize you, this only means that you are almost out of the role of a victim. You stopped pleasing everyone. People will always try to change you to suit themselves, to make you “comfortable”

• Remember the golden rule: people treat you the way you treat yourself. You will never be made a victim if you love yourself and meet your needs instead of satisfying others.
• Being in the role of a victim, you were in a codependent relationship. Now you need to learn how to build healthy, mature partnerships. The kind in which you and the man will be equal

Alternative Behavior: Free and Strong Personality

The opposite state of the victim complex is personal freedom.

Freedom means that no one is stopping you from managing your own life according to your choices. To settle for anything less is to choose a form of slavery.

"How to get rid of the victim complex"

Don’t buy into the tricks of people who suggest that freedom means selfishness and irresponsibility. Responsibility is the result of choice; you take it upon yourself voluntarily. In no case should it fall on you at the whim of someone or under pressure from society.

“The freest people in the world are those who are at peace with themselves: they simply do not pay attention to the claims of other people, because they themselves effectively arrange and direct their lives,” writes Wayne Dyer in his book.

If you can't get out of the victim role...

You and I have already understood that the role of the victim is tied to childhood problems - you unconsciously fall in love with something that reminds you of the behavior (or other characteristics) of your “problem” parent - rejecting, dependent or completely absent. This is difficult to generalize and express in specific words - absolutely everyone has their own individual story, and to fully understand your specific situation, you need a specialist.

Getting out of the victim role on your own is not an easy task, because sacrificial behavior often manifests itself unconsciously. I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Together with you during a consultation, we can identify your personal reasons that shaped the situation in which you find yourself today. When you can recognize what it was that made you behave like a victim as a child or teenager, you will have a choice.

Strength, opportunities and awareness will appear that were not there before. When you become aware of the processes that have been driving you to create your sacrificial behavior, you will be able to change them.

Sacrificial behavior is one of the main areas of my work. You can contact me for psychological advice on Skype, I will help you learn to live the way you want and allow yourself to be happy. We will work with both the external manifestations of the victim syndrome and the reasons that gave rise to it (relationships with parents and self-love). Step by step, together we will go through the path of emerging from the role of a victim, and your life will sparkle with completely new colors.

You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram or the form on the website. You can view the cost of services here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.

I also made a video for you about victim syndrome in relationships:

Treason and the Karpman Triangle

Each of us has probably heard sad stories about dysfunctional couples in which the husband continually runs from his wife to his mistresses, then returns again, and the “holy woman” accepts this scoundrel, because she loves him madly. Personally, I believe more in the power of the victim scenario than the proverb “Love is evil...”. And this is what it looks like:

• the wife, playing the role of a tyrant, nags her husband day and night;
• the husband (victim), naturally, needs to find a deliverer, so he finds a mistress;
• but now the wife becomes the victim, the mistress the tyrant, and the husband remains to become the savior for his wife;
• then he returns, filled with pity and “love” for his keeper of the hearth and simply a holy woman;
• the husband himself begins to blame his mistress, now he plays the role of a tyrant, the mistress - the victim, and the wife - the savior (after all, she forgave her unlucky husband).

What do you think will happen next? Right. Everything is new, everything is in a circle, until someone gets tired of it.

The Karpman triangle does not necessarily occur only within interpersonal relationships. The third party may be illness, work (workaholism), alcoholism. For example, the wife of an alcoholic very often actually plays and has chosen the role of the victim. And yes, she will not part with her alcoholic until she herself admits her own game and decides to stop it.

Because it's convenient

Think about it. Being a victim is very beneficial, because it relieves you of responsibility for any important decisions and steps that the other, stronger half of the couple has to take. In addition, the victim gets used to being in this position, and it becomes his personal comfort zone. She constantly complains to everyone about everything and expects sympathy from others. At the same time, she never thinks that she can somehow influence the situation, because is it really her fault? The partner with the habits of a tyrant, who never even tried to understand her subtle inner world, is to blame for everything.

Causes of the victim complex.

Most of our complexes come from childhood. And this one is no exception. As a rule, this is facilitated by a specific type of education of two extremes. In one version, the parents do not love and value the child and do not pay due attention. Therefore, in order to attract their attention, it was “necessary” to get sick or invent a problem.

Also, a child with this type of upbringing is not supported in his endeavors and is not praised for good deeds and achievements. Therefore, he grows up unsure of himself. It is difficult for him to make decisions on his own, because he is afraid of taking the wrong step. For which he could sometimes be punished.

In another version of upbringing, the child is under overprotection. His parents are always next to him and don’t let him make his own choice. But at the same time, she is in very comfortable conditions, when all problems are solved by mom and dad. That is, he grows up and looks at the world through rose-colored glasses.

When he gets into real life, he has to cope with situations on his own and build relationships with other people. Problems are unclear, how to solve them? Therefore, there is nothing better than to become a victim who does not understand anything and cannot get out of the vicious circle.

The child was always wrapped in love and care . And here in the big world no one just wants to show warm feelings towards him. They must be earned. Therefore, often, for lack of a better option, he shows himself weak and defenseless in order to attract attention and return that part of the great love in childhood.

Complexes can develop into adulthood. For example, at the university or at work the team was not accepted for various reasons. A feeling of oppression appears and self-esteem drops. In this mental state, problems are attracted by a magnet. And the person becomes a victim, both of the people around him and of situations.

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Remember that there is only one life

Once you sit down and think about it seriously, you will understand that life is given to us only once. And every day, month and year is unique. You will never be 25, 30 or 40 again. And you want to spend it on living your life next to a person who does not respect or appreciate you? Are you ready to give up your dreams for the sake of pots, spoons and ladles? Remember what you dreamed of? What did you want to achieve and who to become? Immediately write an action plan and start looking for ways to realize your goal.

And if your chosen one doesn’t like your new self, well, he will either learn to accept you for who you really are or simply leave your life. There is no need to be afraid of this and regret about failed relationships. Those people who you really need will remain close to you or will come into your life as soon as you get rid of all the ballast that is pulling you down.

Of course, you won’t be able to change yourself and your life in 2 days. The process of working on yourself may take you several months, during which you will have to learn to perceive yourself in a new ampoule and introduce it to your loved ones. Some will accept your transformation with joy, others will criticize you, as always. But that shouldn't stop you or force you to go back to where you started. You will never be able to please everyone, but you only have one life and you should live it the way you like, and not the way someone else wants.

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How to recognize a victim: typical signs

All victims behave very similarly. Their income, social status, and place of work are not important here. A stylish insta-woman with a Furla bag and a tortured woman with her great-great-grandmother’s string bag make the same mistakes.

They do what they are told

The husband said: “On maternity leave,” which means on maternity leave. And so on any issue. Everything that is more important than the dinner menu is decided at a family council according to the principle: “We thought about it, and I decided.”

They don't do what they want

They don't do this all the time! One story is when the husband forbids it. The other is when they forbid themselves.

It seems that the husband does not care what color his wife paints her nails. She really wants to try red, black or pungent orange, instead of the usual French jacket.

She firmly decides: “Today it’s definitely red! Bloody! Scarlet! The reddest of all the reddest! It’s decided!” And he returns from the salon... with beige or pastel pink, as usual.

Because at the last moment I thought: “What will people say? At my age and such a color! Moreover, there is a parent meeting in a week. What will the teachers think?!”

Putting themselves in second place

Women victims always fade into the background. Anyone else's comfort is more important to them than their own. Not to anger their husband, not to deprive their son, not to offend their daughter - these are their life priorities.

Ready to endure for the sake of future happiness

These women are constantly waiting. They wait until her husband’s project is over, when the child grows up and stops annoying her father, when her husband finally appreciates her efforts. As a rule, they don’t wait.

They believe that the husband knows best

They are used to taking a leading position. At first, one of the parents directed it authoritarianly, then control passed to the spouse.

Victim girls are not used to making decisions and being responsible for them. They are ready to shift the burden of responsibility to anyone.

Distinctive features of victim psychology

People with a loser mentality often suffer from victim syndrome. They are fixated on their own failures and blame others for all the troubles that happen to them. Individuals with victim syndrome feel that they are the only ones so unhappy and unlucky. They see the solution to their problems in only one thing - in complaints about their life and the desire to evoke a feeling of compassion for themselves in others.

What traits do people with a victim mentality have:

• denying one's own mistakes, shifting the blame to others;
• egocentrism, unwillingness to take into account other people's opinions;
• pessimism, excessive suspicion;
• envy of other people's happiness, other people's achievements;
• the need for praise, dependence on the opinions of others;
• the desire to talk about your difficult fate;
• a constant need to make others feel sorry for themselves;
• unwillingness to take responsibility;
• infantilism;
• exaggeration of possible negative consequences;
• the desire to please everyone, the inability to refuse people their requests;
• showing independence in new endeavors, denying any help;
• excessive arrogance;
• self-deprecation for the sake of gratitude.

People suffering from victim syndrome are sometimes not so unhappy. They deliberately demonstrate their suffering to others in order to evoke a feeling of pity in them. This is one of the methods of neutralizing the enemy and a way for them to achieve their intended goals. In this way, you can avoid responsibility and shift the blame to other people. However, if a person accidentally turns out to be a victim of violence, then he, most likely, possessing some trait characteristic of a loser, simply could not cope with the problem and failed to identify the danger in time.

Take responsibility for your life

Stop depending on your boyfriend or man. Finally, understand that only you are responsible for what you eat, how you sleep, where you work and what you do in your free time. And no one else. If your views with your loved one coincide on some things, that’s just great. But if you do not agree with his proposal, feel free to tell him about it and do not allow yourself to be persuaded into something that you frankly do not like.

You were loved “little”

Sometimes the reason for self-doubt is the fact that in childhood the child did not receive the amount of love that he needed. Perhaps his parents were constantly busy with work, and therefore did not play with him much. Or, even worse, they were constantly scolded for all their misdeeds and compared with other, more successful children. As a result, such a boy or girl grew up completely unconfident in his abilities.

It is very difficult to build normal healthy relationships against such a background. After all, if a person does not value himself, then his partner treats him the same way. Moreover, the victim always tries to please and hear praise addressed to him, so he agrees to everything if only he is loved and told how good he is.