A child is afraid of strangers - how parents should behave

May the reader forgive me for the non-literary expression in the title of the article, but I cannot find a better term for the mixture of fears, anxiety and worry that so many parents face after the birth of a child.
In this article we will look at what problems can arise as a result of parents endlessly worrying about a child, and find out what can be done to improve the situation.

The article mainly concerns mothers, for the sole reason that the mother is next to the child the longest, and her influence on the baby is key.

But dads should also deal with the topic of anxiety in order to stop doing it themselves and help moms in this matter.

Of course, not all mothers panic and worry about their children. Some people manage to approach motherhood calmly and remain in harmony.

But there are also a lot of mothers who are almost constantly under tension , not only because they are tired from physical activity, but also from continuous moral stress - from worrying about the child .

The beginning of mom's worries

When a woman becomes a mother for the first time, her life changes forever.

A mother, seeing her newborn baby, along with other wonderful feelings, also begins to feel responsible for this small defenseless squeaking lump.

And often with this responsibility comes great concern and anxiety for the baby .

The amount of anxiety may vary. Some mothers, for example, simply try to “with a cool head” anticipate some dangers and prevent them, and there are also mothers who jump up 10 times a night, running up to the baby’s crib to check if he is breathing there.

How to determine that a child is afraid of children?

CONTENT:

Initially, you need to determine whether there really are problems with communication or whether parents make excessive demands on their child, for example, by comparing them with themselves. Such cases are often noted by psychologists, when some work needs to be done with adults so that they reconsider their attitude towards the situation.

Adults must understand that everyone cannot be the “life of the party”, quickly make contact, instantly overcome constraint and adapt to new conditions. Much depends on the child’s temperament, character, emotional state, possible experiences, and general upbringing.

Signs of developing problems

If we consider the behavioral characteristics of a child, indicating problems in communicating with other children and the development of fear, we can distinguish the following:

External signs show anxiety, for example, dilated pupils, involuntary movements, twitching of limbs and facial muscles, and possible manifestation of a nervous tic. Some children begin to tremble, turn pale, sweat, bite their nails, put their fingers and some objects in their mouths.
The child tries to hide. He can hide behind his parents, and sometimes simply hide from everyone, for example, crawl under the bed or hide in places where no one can see him.
Emotional changes. This applies to hysterics, crying, aggressiveness or excessive isolation, when contact with loved ones practically ceases.

Fear of other children manifests itself in a refusal to communicate, and if communication does occur, the child behaves unnaturally, and his psychological tension is noticeable.

My history

I was just that mom who “steams.”

As soon as we brought the baby from the hospital, my anxiety began. I worried and worried about everything in the world, constantly measured his temperature (I listened to a lot of advice in the maternity hospital), maintained the temperature of the room, stuck my breast in general at the slightest sound from the baby - I believed that children should not cry, and if they cry - what... something is wrong, and something needs to be done urgently. That's what I did.

To keep him from crying, I constantly carried him in my arms or in a sling. I was afraid to leave him and go eat - he would cry without me. Then the colic and sleepless nights began...

In addition, I was constantly afraid of something - that I would fall, that I would vomit, that “something” would happen... From fatigue and constant anxiety I was overcome with depression, I was constantly crying. Even my husband became “infected” with my anxiety, and called all the time during the day and asked “is everything okay with you?”

Not surprisingly, the child was very restless, slept poorly, constantly hung at the chest, cried, and motherhood seemed like some kind of nightmare to me...

The baby grew, in some ways my worries subsided, but new ones also appeared. I stopped being afraid that he would fall off the couch when he learned to get off it and learned to walk, but I began to worry that he would fall and get hurt on the street.

And the baby constantly ran, as if ordered, and constantly fell (is it because the mother was afraid of this running and subsequent falls...).

When I was a year and a half old, my son began to get interested in slides, but I was so afraid that he would fall off them that we stopped going for walks to the playgrounds where these same slides were available.

When the baby was about 2 years old, I was so tired of being afraid for him that I decided to do something about it. Around this time, I began to study more actively the Teachings of Abraham through the books of E. and J. Hicks, and the connection between my fears and subsequent situations with the child began to open up to me.

I must say that I had worked on myself before, and even reached some more or less stable state, but with the birth of the baby, I was “covered” in a new way.

Then I didn’t even have enough time to sit down and work through something deeply; there was little time left for reading.

But this turned out to be enough to begin to understand the main thing - my anxiety was the main cause of the baby’s problems , starting with poor sleep and ending with endless acute respiratory infections with acute respiratory viral infections, which I also feared like fire, and my panic especially grew during the “season”.

Gradually understanding the essence of the Law of Attraction, which the Hicks write about, and analyzing my thoughts and feelings over recent years, I began to understand how many problems were created by me and my fears.

The fear of going to the hospital after my friend’s stories about how they were lying there with the baby, of course, soon put us there too. Any discussion of epidemics in kindergarten and my fears about this led to the realization of these fears.

However, it was then that I finally became convinced of the enormous importance our thoughts and the feelings that follow them have, not only in our lives, but also in the well-being of our children. I realized that it is anxiety that creates situations for anxiety .

In addition, the very feeling of fear and anxiety in the mother, and in any person around the children, is uncomfortable for them. It is precisely because of the state of discomfort into which they unwittingly plunge in an environment that is worried about them that in infancy they can cry constantly, and a little older they can be unbearably capricious.

Age-related fears day and night

Biologically, fear is a way to prevent danger; it always precedes acquaintance with new objects and their harmful or dangerous qualities. Fear of communication is also a kind of protection that allows the child to take a closer look and evaluate future friends.

Fear is not considered normal if it takes the child out of emotional balance, manifests itself too often or leads to negative health consequences.

For parents, in order to trace where the cause of their children’s communication difficulties comes from, it is useful to know about all the normal and deviant children’s fears. For convenience, we will use a table.

Age period	Normal fears	Deep Mechanisms of Fear	Notes, recommendations, tips
1st half of the year	Primary fear reactions in a newborn	Light, sound, change of position, revolution cause a biologically natural reaction - to attract the attention of the mother.	It's based on instinct. The baby must ensure the safety of his life. Without this reaction it is impossible to grow up as a psychologically whole person, but in order to reduce the number of fears, parents need to be more smooth and prudent.
7–8 months	Strangers	A child should not lose contact with his mother - she is the guarantor of his life and health.	It is advisable for the mother not to try to wean the baby from the breast or accustom her to a nanny ahead of time. Until a year and a half, the mother should be nearby and provide emotional contact. At one and a half years old, a more favorable moment comes for the appearance of a nanny.
1 year	Experience of negative situations. Fear of separation from mother.	Frightening situations are a threat to well-being. Mom is still the guarantor of fulfillment of all needs.	The most striking example is a one-year-old child who is afraid of injections and the doctor’s office. Retraining to a grandmother or nanny should be gradual; a mother should not suddenly disappear from the everyday life of a one-year-old baby.
2 years	Strangers	Protection becomes more conscious.	A two-year-old will start crying if a stranger tries to sit him on his lap in public transport or leads him by the hand away from his mother. Explain the situation, prepare the baby! You also need to get used to kindergarten gradually.
3 years	Scary dreams, fairy-tale characters, confined spaces.	All are associated either with punishment or with the loss of positive images of parents.	It is useless to convince a child that a dream or character is unreal. We need to help him cope with his fears. What has become funny cannot be dangerous - look for such traits in fears with your child.
4 years	Loneliness	Fear exists both on its own and can be a continuation of the process that began at 7–8 months.	Improve family relationships as much as possible, establish a balance between paternal and maternal upbringing, try to support the baby and teach him independence.
5 years	Death (one’s own) (as well as fears dictated by the instinct of self-preservation: heights, depths, etc.)	Variations on the theme of death can concern both the cub itself and its parents.	Pochemuchka asks a lot of questions and needs objective, honest answers that are accessible to his understanding in order to gradually learn about life.
6-7 years	Change of rules (kindergarten - school), fear of mistakes	Preparing for school, the routine, and the imposed responsibility create the anxiety of “will I be able to cope?”	The need for friendship comes into conflict with a sense of duty, which is not yet mature enough. The fear of death is also relevant. May cause nightmares and school shyness.
7-9 years	Fear of parents' death. Fear of becoming “bad”.	The instinct of self-preservation ceases to create fears; now they are of a social nature. The need for approval from the environment makes the baby anxious.	It is important to explain the conditions under which everyone will remain alive and healthy: safety, care, compliance with the rules. The formation of will and conscience is an interesting and complex process. Parents should be tactful in reprimanding, and the child should understand that he is loved unconditionally.

We get what we think

The more we worry, the worse we feel, and the worse the children around us feel.

Kids don’t need words - at first they don’t understand them at all. They feel our vibrations, our feelings that we emit.

Our fears, thoughts about illnesses and troubles for our children are like a command of “pain” or “now you will fall and hurt yourself.”

If you manage to catch your thoughts in the moments before any minor trouble, you will see it for yourself. Personally, I always thought “he’s about to get caught and fall” - and he fell “on order”.

Here it is important for mothers to understand one more important thing - it is not we who create trouble for the child , he does it himself , but “at our suggestion.” We can't create in someone else's life, but we can inspire other people, especially our own children.

Now you know that your anxiety not only does not help prevent problems, but is actually the cause of them . It's time to learn how to stop thinking negative things about our children.

How to help your baby

The most important thing is to be patient. It may take days, weeks, or even months until the child can stop being afraid of a stranger and accept him into his circle. The main thing is not to rush it, do not rush the adaptation process. Understand that over time the baby will get used to the new person and stop being afraid of him.
If the little one is afraid of relatives or, for example, a nanny, show by your behavior that these are good and close people and you can trust them.
Practice fairy tale therapy. You can also show cartoons about friendship. Come up with a story in which two strangers or, for example, a cat and a bunny meet. Turn the story around in such a way that the child can understand that nothing bad happened and the characters became friends and were able to have fun. Even better if you have wrist puppets. You will be able to stage a whole performance, it will be more interesting for the child to watch everything, and the material presented will be more accessible and understandable.
Often, a child is helped by a story from mom or dad about their fear, which was successfully overcome.
Introduce your child to strangers (who need to be friends with the baby) in absentia. Show your toddler a photo of your friend, tell her name, describe her character, positive aspects. Repeat this every day. Then, flipping through the album, ask who is shown in the photograph; your child will probably already be able to answer you. This way, the child will be practically not afraid when meeting in person. After all, in fact, he already knows this person.

Now you know what can provoke the development of fear in children. After reading the article, you understood how it is necessary to deal with childhood phobia, and how to help a child in such a situation. The main thing is not to forget about the mistakes made, sometimes even by experienced parents, so that you personally do not become the reason for the development of fear of strangers.

How to stop worrying

In order to minimize your anxious thoughts about your own child, you need to realize a few important things.

Children initially have a very strong well-being mindset . From birth they have a strong connection with their Source (Inner Being). They came into this world, just like us, to live and enjoy life.

But if we have already forgotten about this, then they have not. And therefore they always naturally (in other words, instinctively) strive for good - health, joy, good mood . That is why, if they get upset, it is not for long; if they get sick, they recover very quickly and treat the illness lightly.

They have a very strong natural well-being mindset. And only the child’s environment, which has long forgotten why we are here and has lost contact with the Source within itself, which considers the world full of dangers and children as defenseless against the problems of this world, “knocks down the child’s mood for the good” with their fears and anxiety.

He literally absorbs negative thoughts and feelings of fear from mom and dad, and begins to attract more and more unpleasant things into his reality. If children were not confused by the moods and thoughts of those around them, which are far from harmony, the children would be healthy and feel great.

Therefore, as soon as you realize that you are worried, thinking about something unpleasant about the child, try to shift your attention to another topic that is pleasant for you . Try to distract yourself with something pleasant in order to feel an improvement in your emotions.

Avoid thoughts about what initially caused your anxiety - do not attract even more unpleasant things.

You may find this difficult at first. But with practice, you will begin to pay less and less attention to restless thoughts and fears, because you will come to realize their uselessness.

Remember, the more you think about the child’s well-being, imagine him healthy and prosperous, you will thereby allow him to return to his natural state of well-being. At the same time, your mood will also improve.

In addition, your relationship with your child will improve. After all, next to you he will feel comfortable and joyful, thanks to your harmonious thoughts about him .

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Shy kids

Modesty and shyness are character traits. They can develop on the basis of “calm” genetics or be formed by the education system. In any case, they have nothing to do with fear. A shy child is afraid of children on the playground, but this is not real fear, but a defensive reaction. The baby is not anxious; on the contrary, he took the most comfortable position for himself - inaction and detachment.

There is nothing wrong with a shy son having one or two courtyard friends. If the little person's behavior otherwise does not cause concern, simply give him the opportunity to develop in his own individual way. It is important that other signs of a comfortable psychological climate in the family are present:

The child is not limited in creativity and physical activity.
There is no corporal punishment, emotional shocks or scandals.
The child is obedient, does not cause trouble in everyday life, and knows everything he should be able to do according to his age.
He shows interest in other children and asks about their behavior. Observes, draws conclusions and asks questions.

Why are children afraid of strangers?

Many one-year-old babies are afraid of strangers. At seven to ten months, the child begins to distinguish between “friends”, and shows wariness towards others. With loved ones it is certainly safe and comfortable, but with others it is unknown. Therefore, when babies see a stranger, they huddle close to their mother and catch her reaction. If the new adult behaves kindly and does not insist on a quick response from the baby, the child gradually gets used to it and begins to communicate. And if an adult (like the heroine’s mother-in-law) is offended and demands an immediate response, the child may shut down. Moreover, he will be afraid of other “strangers”.

According to statistics, this fear is most disturbing at the age of one to one and a half years, and by two or three years it gradually disappears. The kid understands that communicating with other adults can be interesting and useful.

Normal fear can develop into “abnormal” fear if adults behave incorrectly. The advice of a neighbor taking turns is harmful for the baby. It is possible that the problem is not visible now, but will make itself felt in the future.

To help her daughter, the heroine needs to find out the cause of the problem. Answers to the following questions will help you find it:

How long has your child been afraid of strangers?
When did it start? After some event, during a certain period of time? Or was there always fear?
Is the baby’s behavior when meeting strangers always the same, or does the fear either intensify or weaken at times?
Does the child treat all strangers equally? Or is someone more afraid? Men or women? Old or young?
How do you behave when you meet someone you don't know? What stories related to strangers do you keep in your memory?

Here are the most common causes of fear:

Child's past experiences.
Features of the child, given by nature.
Family situation.

Child's past experiences. This fear appears after a specific situation. Maybe the child was frightened by a stranger, and now he is afraid of a repeat. In this case, the reason is on the surface, it is easy to guess. It is important to explain to the child what happened and what to do if this happens again.

For example, a child was scared by a clown at a birthday party, and now he is afraid of men. You can make up a short story about how a boy met a brightly dressed noisy clown. The boy got scared and hid in his mother’s arms. But then I saw that the artist was handing out ice cream, blowing soap bubbles, everyone was having fun, and not at all scary, and he went to play with the guys. Let your child draw pictures to go with your story or put on a real theatrical performance using their favorite toys.

Features of the child, given by nature. Another reason why a child is afraid of strangers is the child’s characteristics. In this case, the child always behaves the same way with strangers. Fear appeared as soon as the baby learned to distinguish strangers. It gets a little easier with age, but the problem does not disappear.

Think about what kind of person your baby is? Some chatter incessantly, while others speak with dignity and to the point. One easily changes playing partners, the other builds strong relationships. One is hiding from strangers, the other is ready to leave with the first person he meets.

Alas, we cannot change what is given by nature, but we can turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Fearful children are often sensitive. They see things in the world that another peer would not notice. For example, he will not communicate with the guest because of a subtle unpleasant aroma. Parents need to be attentive to such “quirks” of children. Don't scold, but try to understand. Learn what to really pay attention to and what not to.

Some children learn new things on their own, others by watching others. Children of the first type easily begin to play in a new company, but they often learn the rules only by accidentally breaking them. The latter first observe who is what, what is allowed here and what is prohibited. And then they play by the rules. Both strategies have their pros and cons. But adults often don’t let little “spectators” see enough. Then they enter the game internally unprepared, and this can provoke fear. Parents need to give the baby time to get comfortable.

Family situation. Fear either intensifies or weakens, depending on what is happening between relatives. This reason most likely led to fear in the girl Masha.

This is hardly the first clash between mother and mother-in-law. The husband's relatives interfere wherever they ask. To resist them, the mother closes herself off from everyone and rarely goes out “into the world” with the child. So my daughter is afraid of new people.

General advice does not work here, because each individual child has his own reason. It can be difficult to identify. Firstly, parents are involved in the situation, so it is difficult for them to see what is happening from the outside. Secondly, there are usually several reasons why a child is afraid of strangers. One thing “overlays” the other, it’s difficult to figure out where to start. A competent psychologist will tell parents why the child is afraid and teach them how to communicate with strangers.