How to stop feeling sorry for yourself when, having lived through certain difficulties throughout life, a person, regardless of gender, incredibly wants to feel sorry for himself. People often feel sorry for themselves and sometimes do not think about the fact that it is pity that poses a danger to the development of their personality.
Every person is pretty annoyed by people, employees, acquaintances, friends who easily pour out all their negativity in the form of complaints about their difficult fate. They do this systematically, because they have developed a habit and they need a “voluntary vest” into which they can always pour out their soul.
Often the reasons for whining turn out to be trivial, which you can really deal with on your own or not attach much importance to them. But no, no matter what nonsense upsets such individuals, they persistently complain and do not notice the positive things around them that are happening to them. But if the whiners thought that if they stopped complaining about unresolved problems for at least a day, then life would become simpler. Of course, sometimes you should talk about your own worries without hushing up your experiences, but it’s one thing when you talk about them in order to find the right way out, and another thing to simply find free “ears” and load people with your whining, who only listen to this out of politeness.
State of pity
Pity is a feeling that has both positive and negative meanings. In our country, almost the entire population is endowed with this property, with the rare exception of a small percentage of people. But there are many countries in which you cannot feel sorry not only for strangers, but also for close people. This is regarded as humiliation or an encroachment on personal space. Moreover, in this case, both the one who does this and the one who is pitied are in a losing position. From this we can conclude that such a feeling only brings suffering and trouble. This is partly true if we take it literally. But there are many alternatives that can correct the situation. This is compassion, caring attitude towards oneself or another person, caring and other concepts that can and should replace blind pity. In a very real sense, it can sometimes be destructive because it provokes inaction and panic.
Causes
There are many thoughts on the topic of why you should not feel sorry for anything or anyone in this life. Before approaching the answer to this question, it is necessary to understand the reasons that provoke the emergence of this feeling. The main factors are:
- Excessive pity on the part of parents. If a child was too pitied and spoiled in childhood, he will grow up self-centered. There will definitely be a feeling of self-pity in him, and he will not be able to cope with even the most minimally extraordinary situation.
- Lack of pity on the part of parents. This is the second extreme, when the child did not see affection and care, as a result of which he grew up too compassionate towards others.
- A hopeless situation. For example, breaking up with a loved one or confronting a stronger opponent. A person cannot change the course of events because he loses to circumstances in all respects.
- Physical pain. In this case, a person inevitably feels sorry for himself.
- Injustice, resentment. These experiences can be a source of pity for oneself and others.
Pity that hinders growth
The source of self-pity is comparison with other people.
In some cases, such a comparison can turn into envy , in others it makes you constantly feel sorry for yourself, feeling helpless and unhappy .
Is it good or bad? Any psychologist will tell you that emotion cannot be assessed on such a primitive scale.
On the one hand, enduring self-pity takes a lot of strength and makes you see the world in a black light. A person who loves to feel sorry for himself begins to feel that he is powerless to change anything, since he was born so... Deserving of pity, that is, pathetic.
Once convinced of his own powerlessness, a person can give up trying to change his life for the better. And new and new reasons for self-pity become excuses for refusing to become stronger, richer, happier.
Signs
Situations are common when a person comes to the conclusion that one should never regret anything. But it doesn't always work out the way you want. Symptoms and signs arise that you want to get rid of quickly, but you don’t always have the strength to do so. The following manifestations of pity are present in a person:
- Tears. This is the most common symptom, which is sometimes difficult for even representatives of the stronger sex to cope with (for example, the death of a loved one is experienced in this way).
- Bad mood. Nothing makes a person happy because his thoughts are occupied with one problem.
- Apathy. Absolute indifference and reluctance to do what you love and communicate with people is a sign of pity (for yourself or other people).
- Diseases and illnesses. Excessive worries that this feeling causes can provoke a number of minor or serious illnesses.
Constant self-pity
Sometimes self-pity turns into a real emotional swamp. A person simply does not find the time and energy for other feelings: from morning to evening he feels helpless, unhappy, as if trying to pat himself on the head and console him.
This condition is quite rare and may indicate quite serious disorders of the affective sphere.
- Often, heightened self-pity indicates the presence of a depressive personality disorder that requires long-term treatment.
- Self-pity often arises after a person has suffered a severe traumatic situation.
In this case, negative experiences are considered the norm, although you should not refuse to work with a psychologist either. Be that as it may, if it is self-pity that comes to the fore in personal experiences, it is worth seeking the help of specialists.
Maxim Gorky once said that “pity humiliates a person,” but this is about ineffective pity, when there is no help and sympathy, but only the mournful faces of neighbors and awkward silence.
Although this option suits some...
To other people
The argument that one should not feel sorry for people is erroneous. In order to understand this, we must consider the original part of this feeling. Each person proceeds from his life priorities, which are placed in favor of good or evil. Delving into the situation of another person, we project it onto ourselves, thereby experiencing a feeling of pity for ourselves.
There is a desire to console (not to take certain steps to normalize the situation, but to regret), hoping for similar actions addressed to you if a personal problem arises. For example, a lonely woman will feel sorry for her friend who was abandoned by her loved one. An unemployed person will treat a friend who has been laid off with understanding. But pity is not always necessary and creative. Sometimes it disguises gloating, hatred or selfish intent, and sometimes such a feeling becomes the cause of troubles on an even larger scale.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Otherwise…
Every next time you encourage a depressed state of pity in yourself, you will strengthen the victim in yourself and weaken the hero - the strong and courageous achiever. You have both parts of you. And you yourself choose every day which of them to cultivate and which to weaken.
Self-pity is dangerous because the body reacts to it quite quickly. It often turns into psychosomatics - cardiovascular diseases, vegetative-vascular dystonia, cystitis, viral and fungal infections, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract - these are just a few of the most common somatic reactions that occur with a tendency to show self-pity.
Nervous tics are another common feature among those who fall into a sacrificial state.
In addition to psychosomatics, pity is fraught with another serious consequence - you may become uninteresting to your friends. Because the truth is, no one likes a whiner. People are attracted to positive emotions and repelled by negative ones.
Finally, sacrificial behavior leads to the fact that you stop achieving, developing, and begin to gradually degrade and roll back. Achieving goals is the opposite of self-pity.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. If you need my help to understand your situation, you can schedule a consultation with me by clicking on the link. You can see the price by following the link, and read reviews about my work here. I will help you release your grievances and work through your traumas so that self-pity no longer has power over you.
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To yourself
Experienced specialists are trying to convey to people the truth about why they shouldn’t feel sorry for themselves. This feeling is a bad habit that prevents a person from maintaining confidence when getting into difficult life situations. People stop struggling with difficulties, fall into panic and despair, and become absolutely helpless in the face of circumstances. Many even stop fulfilling their direct responsibilities (for example, feeling sorry for themselves and sleeping longer instead of showing up for work on time).
A person who constantly feels sorry for himself enters into this image and gets used to it. He has no joys in life, except to always complain about fate. He rarely experiences real happiness because he does not receive true pleasure from it. He experiences real pleasure only when he is pitied. That is why in all, even the most positive aspects, such a person looks for the negative in order to get his portion of sympathy.
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about life
To answer the question: “how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about life?”, you need to understand why a person complains. Growing up, a person out of habit looks for someone who will relieve him of the difficulties that arise from time to time, so he shares problems with society instead of overcoming these difficulties and not expecting sympathy.
People are inherently infantile and love to complain about life, like children who do not try to hide their emotions and if something happens not according to them, they begin to cry, become hysterical, and demand increased attention.
A person who likes to complain does not tolerate responsibility and behaves like a child who is used to having his parents solve all his problems for him. Growing up, such a person is still looking for someone who will save her from the difficulties that arise, and therefore shares them with others. Such an individual does not believe in personal success because he is pre-set for failure and does not have the desire to make an attempt to achieve a better result.
People with the above set of qualities do not stop feeling sorry for themselves and complaining about life, because it is simpler and easier to say that “nothing will work out, everything is bad, there is no point in trying at all, because everything is bought everywhere and there is a lot of cronyism around.”
Psychologists have long established the fact that self-pity can worsen both mental state and physical well-being. Psychologically, self-pity causes a feeling of irritability, makes a person touchy and embittered, and in rare cases pushes him to commit a crime aimed against those individuals who are guilty.
Most individuals are aware of the mental consequences of self-pity, but people practically do not think about the physical side of destruction.
Meanwhile, prolonged and frequent self-pity is dangerous due to the following manifestations:
- fear of suffocation and shortness of breath;
- attacks of rapid heartbeat;
- nausea and vomiting, dizziness;
- fainting conditions.
The above list can be extended with other unpleasant symptoms.
There is no doubt that not a single individual will be able to live completely without pity, and it is not pity itself that is dangerous, but its immeasurable amount. And if a person likes to engage in systematic whining, then you can often hear sayings from her: “I don’t deserve this,” “life is unfair,” “everything is bad.” An individual who feels sorry for himself often thinks or talks about those who have caused him imaginary or real harm. He pays great attention to personal problems, even insignificant ones. The thinking of a whining person is aimed at the fact that no matter what event is coming, but for him it must end sadly.
Such a person is so focused on himself that he ignores the feelings of other individuals. A whiner evaluates someone else's misfortune from the perspective of how it can affect him. An individual constantly feeling sorry for himself with the manifestations listed above is in the danger zone, and in such a situation it is necessary not to burst into tears, but to persistently get rid of the useless feeling of whining.
To the circumstances
It's safe to say that you can't regret the past. The classic expression “what's past will be sweet” should be taken literally. Negative aspects always fade into the background, and a person remembers only the best, so there is no point in regretting the experience. You can briefly immerse yourself in pleasant memories, draw reasonable conclusions from past experiences, but do not torment yourself with regrets. Similar recommendations can be given regarding the events of today. There is no need to regret that you missed a train or plane, did not submit a report on time, or treated your loved one rudely.
It is worth drawing conclusions or simply restraining your emotions. You cannot regret anything, because this path leads to further defeats. Sometimes people know that they will regret what they did, but they act contrary to their logic. Then they simply throw up their hands, demonstrate their readiness for such a result and begin to mourn themselves (sometimes figuratively, and in some cases literally).
- How to get rid of self-pity? Advice from psychologists
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1) Write a list of what you have that people around you could envy: car, apartment, good job, parents, children, health, family, loved one, intelligence.
2) Think about those people who are much worse off than you: homeless, orphans, childless, disabled people, etc. Or maybe you could help them with something?
3) Write down five options for how the current situation could benefit you. For example, your boyfriend dumped you. The advantages of this: there is a better one; could have quit later, and even with a child; his essence was revealed; you have freedom again.
4) Write down every day all the good things, pity is a bad feeling that happened during the day. This can be turned into a kind of game: 5 best moments of the day.
5) Forbid yourself from feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about others. If you stick to this rule for at least a week, you will notice how life has become more enjoyable.
6) Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, but no more than two days. These days you can arrange a pity party for yourself: sit in a cafe, buy new clothes, lie in bed all day, etc. The main thing is that you pamper yourself to the fullest and prepare for further actions.
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Benefit
There is no less benefit from pity than from its absence. It would be a mistake to think that you should never feel sorry for yourself, since in some cases this saves you from inevitable disaster. A person must take care of himself if they begin to manipulate him, shift his problems, and force him to make decisions for other people. You need to feel sorry for yourself if you have to work very hard without rest, limit yourself to nutritious food, or deprive yourself of simple earthly joys. In this case, such a feeling will be appropriate and useful, since a person in his consciousness should be a priority for himself.
The benefits of compassion are manifested if you feel sorry for your child in moderation. For example, when the baby fell and hurt himself. The pity of the parents in this case is a demonstration of their love for him, his support, support and reassurance. So the child begins to understand that he needs to do similar things, and also come to the rescue when required.
The benefits of pity are also very great for adults. There are many cases when a person does not need help, but is looking forward to a feeling of compassion (especially in the first minutes of grief, when simple consolation and support is needed). You need to feel sorry for everyone within reasonable limits: children, old people, sick and healthy people, animals, plants, nature.
Why do we feel sorry for dogs and not for people?
And then - why should we feel sorry for dogs? Why not cats, cows, sheep, rabbits, goats and other domestic animals? And why shouldn’t you feel sorry for cockroaches, flies, mosquitoes, rats, etc. It’s interesting that if a mad dog appears in the area, a general cry and groan arises, and in the general chorus, the loudest voices are those who just called for compassion on strays dogs. Meanwhile, in big cities, stray dogs and, although to a lesser extent, domestic dogs are beginning to pose an increasing danger to people, and to the dog owners themselves. Sometimes pity for dogs takes the form of mass psychosis, rallies and demonstrations. Who saw the demonstration under the slogan “Save homeless children!”?
At the same time, I understand well and clearly why people want and call for pity on dogs. Dogs have been living alongside people for many centuries, protecting them, helping them hunt, etc. But recently, dogs have become less and less in demand for their basic qualities, and are used mainly as toys for people. That's why there are so many stray dogs. Played and quit! But if cats, for example, live at home on their own, and if thrown out, they will not disappear, then dogs require constant attention and, when abandoned, most often die, especially purebred ones. In addition, the dog is the only domestic animal that remains faithful to its owner in any circumstances, of which there are many examples. And since “we are responsible for those we have tamed,” it is the dogs that are pitied first of all.
And now about the people. I understand that the first thing that catches your eye are homeless people and drunks, whom you don’t really want to feel sorry for, although it is the “poor in spirit” who are the object of pity for the church. Remember, “blessed are the poor in spirit.” They are truly guilty of their situation and, as a rule, do not need anyone’s help and do not accept it. But there are still “weak and wretched” people. Tell me, what are millions of street children to blame for? Rather, society is to blame for them! What is the fault of people bitten by dogs? What is the fault of millions of pensioners who receive pitiful handouts from the state in the form of pensions? What are disabled and sick people guilty of? Are they capable of taking care of themselves? So is it necessary or not to feel sorry for them, or is something else required?
Now we come to the question of what is pity? What exactly are we talking about?
According to Dahl's dictionary, to regret means to grieve, to regret, to have a heartache, to lament about something, to be sad; spare, take care, do not give offense (!). The explanatory dictionary of S. Yu. Ozhegov and N. V. Shvedova interprets pity as compassion, condolences, sadness, regret. Here the concept of “pity” is explained through the unequal concept of “compassion”. Let me explain this with an example. If you hear the meowing of a kitten at your door, which has nowhere to hide from the rain or snow, you feel a feeling of pity. But if you open the door to warm, feed, and dry the kitten, you have shown a sense of compassion. Now, let’s say you cannot leave the kitten at home (there are no conditions for keeping it, you already have a cat, etc.) and you send it out the door again, there is no place for compassion, but pity remains! You imagine or see how he again suffers from rain or snow, and you feel sorry for him.
Thus, pity is sympathy and empathy when there is no opportunity (or desire!) to help, and compassion causes action to provide help, protection, etc. Pity is passive, compassion is a call to action. Pity indicates helplessness, inaction, powerlessness, while compassion and sympathy are participation, response, desire to help. One friend, while taking out the trash, heard the pitiful meow of a kitten. Not finding where he was, she called her husband. Together they discovered that the kitten had crawled into a crack under the concrete and could not get out. Then they brought what tools they had, broke up the concrete and rescued the kitten. It turned out to be a cat, all unhappy and sick. They took her into the house, took her to the veterinarian, cured her, and now she lives with them like a beloved creature. This is how they showed their compassion and empathy. Or they could just release the kitten and go home with a free conscience. We regretted it, and that’s okay.
All the talk about the harm or benefit of pity seems strange to me. Pity, like compassion, are normal, human feelings and emotions inherent in normal people. They arise independently of us, automatically, when there is a reason for them. For example, climbers went to the mountains and died there. Yes, they themselves chose their fate, but we feel sorry for them, since together with each of them the whole world died, their loved ones suffered. But nothing can be done, that is, a feeling of powerlessness arises. Another thing is that a loved one or a lonely elderly neighbor gets sick. Out of compassion for them, empathy for their misfortune, we run to the pharmacy, call an ambulance, prepare food, spoon-feed if necessary, etc.
And if a person is deprived of feelings of pity and compassion, lives according to the principle “my house is on the edge,” normal people feel his inferiority, perceive him as a moral monster and, oddly enough, feel sorry for him!
But let's get back to our dogs. When we invite stray dogs to our entrance by feeding them, do we think about other people living in the same entrance? After all, dogs have been trained for a long time that the one who feeds them is the owner, and in his presence they bark and rush at other residents. And if suddenly such a dog bites one of the residents, and they call a special service, what a cry there will be! The complainers argue that the person who was bitten is to blame - why did he swing at the dog when it barked at him? Etc. etc. So who should be pitied in this situation - dogs or people? Why don’t we feel sorry when rats, cockroaches or the same rabid dogs are destroyed, and when packs of stray dogs that attack people are destroyed (there are rich statistics!), such a cry arises?
And such a seditious thought arises. If you feel so sorry for stray dogs, why don’t you take them home? That's where you can feel sorry for them if you don't disturb your neighbors. I understand there are no conditions at home. Then act, demand that the dogs be taken to a shelter, or organize one yourself, or leave the dogs to their fate if you can’t do anything else. By the way, sterilizing stray dogs is a waste of time, since, firstly, they are released back into the wild, and secondly, their ranks are constantly replenished with new ones thrown into the street. Instead of feeling sorry for stray dogs, we need to treat people better. And people who believe that dogs are better than people, for some reason forget that if trouble happens to them, only other people, and not dogs, can help them. For some reason there are fewer regrets and tears about people than about dogs; for some reason there is no one to feel sorry for people, and this is strange. This is inhumane!
And from here follows the conclusion. People! It's not enough to be pitiful. Be compassionate! If you can, help the innocently suffering, homeless children, pensioners, disabled people and everyone who really needs help! And love your neighbor as yourself! But it’s not enough to feel sorry for stray dogs; it’s useless and even harmful. You should take care of them if you can. And protect people from them, especially children. And if to save at least one person you need to kill a thousand dogs, I am for such a murder, although I feel sorry for the dogs.
Tags: people, pity, compassion, dogs, psychology
Harm
Such a feeling can do a lot of harm, since you cannot feel sorry mindlessly and immensely without objectively assessing the situation. In no case is it recommended to constantly feel sorry for children, protecting them from any danger. For example, parents do not allow their child to walk in the yard, because there are dangerous swings, hard asphalt, sometimes cars pass by and ill-mannered children walk around. The child also does nothing at home, since cleaning will seem too hard for him, and cooking or handicrafts will seem dangerous. Such people feel sorry for their baby and try to protect him from all possible troubles. But this feeling is destructive, because it does not allow a growing person to come into contact with reality and the truth of life. He will not be able to cope with difficulties on his own and will become absolutely helpless if he is left alone.
Adults can also feel the harm of compassion. For example, when a person is pitied and assured that the situation will resolve itself, at a time when it is necessary to act. Being in a state close to shock, the victim (in a moral or physical sense) relies on a person who pities him. But when time is lost, you have to pay for your inaction.
Advice from psychologists
Psychologists insist that you should not feel sorry for people and yourself excessively, as this can lead to dire consequences. You should not abuse this feeling if it contributes to the weakening of the personality. In relationships with other people, priorities should always be set in your favor. There is no need to take on other people's problems or experience negative situations on an equal basis with the person to whom they are addressed. In this case, both parties will suffer: the one who is pitied will be disappointed in his hopes, and the one who does this will take on an unbearable burden of negative energy.
Everything should be in moderation, and pity must be present, since it is the main form of kindness.
