How to stop being jealous of a girl: practical advice from a psychologist

Quite often, representatives of the stronger sex turn to a psychologist with the problem: “a jealous girl and I don’t know what to do about it.” Jealousy sometimes turns into paranoia and can destroy the strongest union.

According to statistics, there are more jealous people among men than among women. This happens because girls attract the attention of other guys with their attractiveness. This greatly affects their other halves. Jealousy adds spice to relationships, but this feeling does not always benefit the couple.

What is jealousy

Jealousy of a girl is a feeling when a young man doubts his partner’s love for him and her fidelity. This happens mainly due to the fact that he feels self-doubt and inability to interest his beloved, to give her what she deserves. At the same time, he can admit to himself: “Yes, I am very much and often groundlessly jealous of my girlfriend.” But the guy, alas, cannot stop feeling negative.

READ Jealousy in relationships: the psychology of how feelings arise

It happens that guys doubt the loyalty of girls because they consider them selfish and dishonest. This is also an abnormal situation, and the problem here lies in the man’s self-esteem and his life beliefs.

If you want to create a normal relationship, without scandals and burning jealousy, then you need to change something.

Other girls5

And the guy may not notice that his future has become the object of a big game. And it has already happened. Many are guided by the principle: “A good man does not live with his mother, he lives with another woman.” Of course, the guy will be the object of the “hunt” without realizing it.

Women are cunning by nature. They sense moods more subtly and pay more attention to details. Some woman from the accounting department may start writing to a girl on social networks that her boyfriend, they say, spends too much time with a colleague, and they are locked in a room with a photocopier. What could be more romantic than office sex on a photocopier, right?

It only looks funny from the outside, but the recipient of such messages will be very “stressed out.” And nowadays, finding a person on social networks is not a problem at all. Therefore, your aunt from accounting will immediately be joined by a colleague from evening sales courses, and an office neighbor from the cafe where you have lunch on Fridays. Collective fantasy gives birth to monsters and can completely destroy a couple.

You will find more information about common reasons why girls are jealous in our article below.

Why jealousy is dangerous for your relationship

Jealousy grows from feelings of selfishness and possessiveness towards a loved one. They used to say that he hits you, that means he loves you. In fact, no one will like such aggressive behavior towards their partner. Here are the consequences that uncontrolled jealousy can lead to:

The girl will just get tired of the nagging. She will get tired of constant control, reproaches against her, surveillance, as well as scandals, screams and hysterics. This is not a normal relationship, but a constant nightmare that you want to stop once and for all.
Your lover will stop respecting you. It is unlikely that she will like being raised with shouts, slaps, and demands. Perhaps you want to force your loved one to obey. In fact, she will simply turn away from you and begin to think that she was better off in her previous relationship.
If you constantly accuse your loved one of infidelity, she can really cheat. Then the relationship will most likely end. Forget about making complaints about your loved one’s communication with her ex-boyfriend. You show concern, but you may get the opposite effect - the girl will remember all the good things she had before and decide to return to her former lover.

Constant scandals and reproaches in the family will definitely not benefit children. From childhood they will receive many complexes that can ruin their future lives and which will be very difficult to get rid of.

If the father of the family is jealous, his son behaves the same towards girls. And the daughter is looking for a man similar to her dad. There can be no talk of any happiness in personal life here. Therefore, the head of the family needs to find a way to overcome jealousy so as not to harm the future of his own children with his behavior.

READ Female jealousy: causes, symptoms, ways to get rid of it

There can be many reasons for jealousy towards girls. Let's look at the most common of them:

Men are polygamous creatures. They think girls are exactly the same, but they are not. Most ladies are not prone to cheating. They can look towards other guys only in certain cases - they want to take revenge for a man’s betrayal or are tired of their partner’s coldness and inattention towards them. And even in these cases, not everyone decides to cheat.
The second reason for male jealousy is self-doubt . A jealous person thinks that other guys are more successful, handsome, rich. And on a subconscious level, there is a fear that the beloved will leave for one of them. In fact, girls really love self-sufficient men, but if you are not one of them yet, you cannot give up. After all, another quality that girls greatly value in men is their determination.
Men who are dissatisfied with life are prone to jealousy. Such a person tries to find the culprits, and his beloved girl comes to hand. The man wants to assert himself at her expense and show that he is the master of the house. Such guys treat their other halves as objects. They are unable to understand how to stop being endlessly jealous even of their ex-girlfriend, even when they are already in a new relationship.
A guy's wild imagination can lead to jealousy. Men also tend to come up with fantastic stories of women cheating on them. It seems to a jealous person that his beloved has betrayed him, and he cannot survive this. If a girl is late at work or refuses to go on a date with him, he cannot find a place for himself.

Jealousy is not always truly justified. As a rule, this is just a bad figment of the imagination. Stop beating yourself up.

To everyone

There is no need to endlessly torment yourself in search of an answer to the question of how to finally stop being jealous of your beloved girl for everyone. Senseless thoughts and love-destroying negative feelings do not allow us to notice the obvious. Perhaps she herself is trying to arouse jealousy in you, due to the fact that she does not feel love towards herself.

READ How to stop being jealous of a guy: advice from a psychologist

Start calling her more often, writing nice SMS, giving her gifts, even small ones. This is very important to her. Receiving signs of attention from you, your beloved will stop looking at other men. Sincerely talk to the girl and ask what qualities you lack in comparison to her ideal. Women's needs are different, but sometimes they are realistic and help men realize their potential.

If you leave this issue unattended, your beloved will subconsciously look for a person who will give her care and confidence in the future. And when she meets him, the relationship may end.

To her to her ex

A girl should not be jealous of her ex-boyfriend, because the past is in the past. Now she is with you, which means that she is attracted to you in some way. Try to strengthen these positive qualities in yourself and no longer be afraid that your beloved will prefer your ex-man.

Think about why you feel bad when a girl talks to her ex-boyfriend or just mentions him. Perhaps you are jealous, you think that he has those important qualities that you lack... Believe in yourself, and then your beloved will be with you.

If you are jealous of your friend

Communication is important for every person. Alone, he abstracts himself from the outside world and is left alone with his experiences. Not everyone can cope with such a test. An important necessity in this case is female friendship, which, despite all judgments, exists. Strong relationships can be carried throughout life. But jealousy of a friend becomes a threat on the way to acquiring them. This is the desire to be the only interesting and important person in her life. Many people have uncontrollable imaginations. The girl is then unable to understand what is truth and what is fiction.

Jealousy of a friend is classified as unfounded, because she is not obliged to report to anyone about her new friends or meetings. This is a free person, not tied to anything, who has the right to do as he wants.

Causes

Jealousy manifests itself just as often in friendships as in love ones. And its effect is negative, often manifested in reproaches and quarrels. To protect your friendship, you need to stop being jealous of your friend. To do this, you first need to find out the cause of jealousy.

The manifestation of owner character traits occurs differently in all people. Inflated self-esteem often gives a girl the feeling that only she has the right to be friends with a certain person.
Envy is a negative feeling that needs to be dealt with in the early stages of its manifestation.
Excessive demands or ridiculous expectations that were not met. Jealousy on this basis usually manifests itself in the family between mother and children. If a person lacks parental attention, he can transfer a similar experience to relationships with friends.
The fear of losing a loved one is one of the main reasons for jealousy. In this case, the girl thinks that new friends or a guy will take away her opportunity to communicate and spend time with her friend. All people are afraid of loneliness.
Complexes that developed and became very sharp in adolescence, self-doubt.

More often, jealous feelings are a combination of several reasons.

Fighting methods

Jealousy that arises when a friend has a boyfriend or other friends can completely destroy the relationship. To prevent this from happening, you need to learn to control your emotions and suppress an unpleasant feeling at the stage of its inception. You need to look at the situation from your friend’s side. Often in this way you can see that jealous feelings have no particular reason for it. You need to understand for yourself that every young person has the right to communicate with other people and no one can forbid him to do this. To stop being jealous of a friend for another friend, you should follow the recommendations of professionals.

Have a frank conversation - you need to talk about your feelings, what you don’t like. During a conversation, you should not raise your voice. There is no need to insist on breaking ties with your rival. A good friend will listen, explain her behavior, and give advice on how to behave further. Often after such conversations it becomes easier and jealousy disappears.
You need to work on yourself. It is worth understanding that a friend is not someone’s property. There is no room for selfishness in friendship.
Finding an interesting activity for yourself will help you occupy your free time and not waste it on bad thoughts.
Conduct a friendship assessment - you need to write down the positive and negative aspects of friendship on a sheet of paper. This will give you the opportunity to analyze the situation and decide whether to continue the relationship. It happens that they have exhausted themselves and it is better to stop communicating than to torment each other.
Don’t hold a grudge against your rival, but establish a connection with her. Then the girl will be able to spend more time with her friend. There will be significantly fewer reasons for jealousy.
Look into the future and imagine what the relationship will look like in a few years. When it is impossible to imagine them without jealousy, then it is better to break off the connection.

If you have followed all the recommendations and still cannot solve the problem, you need to contact a specialist. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Perhaps the reason lies much deeper, and only an experienced psychologist will help cope with the situation.

Ways to deal with unreasonable jealousy

Often a guy's jealousy towards a girl is caused by her behavior. If the beloved is spectacular, beautiful, sociable, other guys pay attention to her. It may seem that she is flirting with men, but this is not always the case.

Fighting Fears

Often behind jealousy lies the fear of losing a loved one. We cannot imagine how we will live without this girl. These fears prevent you from enjoying real relationships. You cannot relax when you are with your loved one, imagining who she is currently texting on the phone, who she is thinking about, where she will go or went yesterday.

Here's how to learn to trust a girl - declare war on your fears. As a rule, there is nothing behind them. This is a game of imagination. Even if you break up, it's not the end of the world. You shouldn’t ruin your relationship for fear of losing someone.

Reconsidering needs

Another reason for men’s jealousy is the lack of communication, intimacy, care and affection on the part of their partner. One gets the impression that she is giving it all to someone else. Think about why this happens. Maybe your beloved is busy at work and she cannot devote too much time to you? Help a woman find a job with a less busy schedule or solve some household problems, then she will devote time to you.

READ How to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up: advice from a psychologist for women

When figuring out how to stop being jealous of your girlfriend, understand that this is not your property. There is no need to be jealous of everyone around her. Get busy with life and goals.

Create conditions in which she will be comfortable, from which she will not want to leave, and she will begin to be proud of the man she loves. Then you will have no reason to be jealous.

Increased self-esteem

If the reason for jealousy is a man’s low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, it is worth learning to adequately evaluate himself. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and you can work with them. A person who has normal self-esteem will not waste his emotions on jealousy. He is sure that he will not remain without the attention of the opposite sex.

You may need to see a psychotherapist to improve your self-esteem. Especially if the reason is the guy’s childhood, if he has long been accustomed to focusing only on shortcomings. There's nothing wrong with psychotherapy. On the contrary, it will help you understand how to stop being jealous of your girlfriend.

Confidence

Distrust in a partner is also caused by sad experiences from past relationships. You shouldn’t hang “labels” on every person - evaluate people by their individual qualities and actions. If you are unreasonably jealous of your girlfriend, she may actually stop being faithful to you.

Why, if the partner is disrespectful and questions the sincerity of her feelings? Stop checking your girlfriend's phone and looking for evidence in her personal belongings. It only ruins the relationship.

Someday the beloved will get tired of this behavior and she will break off the relationship. Not everyone wants to live in constant tension. Therefore, you need to think about a person better than he really is. Then he will strive to meet your expectations and hopes. And if this does not happen, you may not be on the right track.

Reasons for jealousy

Before understanding the reasons for increased suspicion, we list common reasons for jealousy. They can be divided into 2 groups:

Justified: obvious flirting of a girl with guys, love correspondence on VKontakte, via SMS, betrayal and other serious offenses.
Unfounded: reasons that a man invents himself, creates in his head with the help of fantasies.

It makes no sense to analyze the real, justified reasons for quarrels and jealousy in detail. If a girl has cheated and is clearly flirting with other men, it is better to break up with her. Surely, she does not have warm, serious feelings for her partner.

Unjustified, fictitious reasons deserve closer attention, since they destroy relationships.

The reason for the fantasies lies in the following:

The man is unsure of himself. He thinks that other guys are better than him in everything, he does not realize that the girl truly loved him.
The guy had a negative experience in the past. Cheating and betrayal by his ex taught the boy not to trust girls in principle.
Strongly developed sense of possessiveness. The guy doesn’t understand that a girl has the right to have a personal life, friends, and communication without his presence.
The need for emotional release The man has accumulated anger and claims against his partner. He pours them out with the help of scandals, quarrels, the reason for which is jealousy.
Afraid of losing respect among friends, colleagues, and family. If a woman finds a more successful man, leaves for him or becomes his mistress, the macho image will collapse.

Unreasonable jealousy poisons the lives of not only women, but also men. This feeling needs to be fought, eradicated as early as possible, so that suspicion does not become a habit.

Psychologist Annetta Orlova talks about the causes of jealousy:

Psychologist's advice

Let's look in detail at how to stop being jealous of a girl. Advice from a psychologist will help in this matter:

Upgrade yourself: take care of your physical fitness and intellectual development. Achieve your business goals: this will help you overcome self-doubt and get rid of fears. And that means stop being jealous.
Trust your loved one - this is very important. If you suspect her all the time, the girl may not be able to stand it. You can't lock your loved one in a cage. He won't be happy with you in this case.
To overcome jealousy, realize that the girl has already chosen you over all the others. Why do you allow yourself to doubt her? She could have preferred any other man, but she settled on you. It means she wants to be with you. Don't kill this desire in her.

There is no need to waste time on feelings and tantrums that will not bring any benefit to the relationship. You shouldn’t spoil your loved one’s mood with constant nagging and suspicions. Better take care of yourself - gain a sense of confidence. Then you suddenly realize that you are not afraid that someone will take your girl away from you. After all, it will be incredibly difficult to leave a man like you.

If jealousy of your beloved's friends

Before meeting you, the girl lived an ordinary life - she had her own interests, girlfriends and friends, other young people. When starting a relationship, many people don’t think about it. It seems to them that a new relationship will reset everything in a girl’s life. This is a misconception.

When a girl meets you, she does not break old ties. She is not 100% sure about her future with you. In case of a breakup, contacts with their boyfriends are maintained. They are registered in the friends category.

In such conditions, jealousy of the girl's friends —

normal phenomenon. The partners are just getting to know each other and are not entirely sure of their future together. Life presents various surprises, they are not always pleasant.

What to do in such a situation? Advice from psychologists if a guy is jealous of his beloved’s friends:

Continue to develop relationships, get closer and get to know each other. Remember that everything will come with time if the girl is right for you. But you won't know without trying.
You need to understand that the girl does not owe you, she is not property. A friend has the right to build social contacts at her own discretion.
A girl who actively communicates with friends should talk about this topic with a guy. It is necessary to sincerely explain what place comrades occupy in her life.
The young man must guess for himself that a girl can consider several options; she chooses a life partner. The choice is important. Refusing to communicate with everyone for your sake the next day after meeting is stupid.
Trust your loved one and respect her. It's your choice, not that guy's. Trust yourself.
To make jealousy go away, pay attention to yourself. If anxiety is the result of uncertainty, engage in improvement and development - sports, new knowledge, expanding your social circle. The girl will not look the other way if you meet her requirements. And for this you need to become better every day.
If you can't cope with jealousy towards your friends, limit your contacts with them. But you can’t limit a girl’s communication.
Share your concerns with the girl if the relationship is already strong.
Try to get to know her friends better, make friends. Perhaps jealousy is the result of your stereotypes and prejudices.

As the relationship develops, if your companion loves you, all suitors will leave her life. True comrades will enter the social circle of a couple in love.

What to do to prevent female jealousy from appearing?

If you really care about this girl and want to continue your relationship with her, then you need to change your behavior pattern towards more attention and a good attitude towards your lady. In principle, you need to go from the opposite of what I told you a little earlier.

In the case of low self-esteem, this problem needs to be solved. It is necessary to give a little more compliments, encourage in every possible way, not create reasons and allow comparisons with others. If you like to tease your other half, exclude for a while jokes about appearance, behavior, intelligence - in a word, everything that can destroy her self-confidence. And of course, it’s better for her not to know about your communication with other girls.

If you feel that your girlfriend is jealous of you completely unreasonably, then directly tell her about it. Find out her view on certain cases. And if she doesn’t tell you anything really significant, then she’s just trying to draw your attention to herself. This means she wants you to devote more time to her and then it’s up to you to decide what to do. Explain that you can do without scenes of jealousy in order to talk to each other, that it is within your power to be together more often. Just in case, here is some useful information for you in our article “Manipulation in Relationships”.

Constant anxiety, I stress myself out because of the girl.

Good afternoon, Denis!

Your condition is similar to neurosis, moreover, as I understand, you are a person with a fairly fine nervous system and mental organization. In this regard, you need to pull yourself together and cultivate strong-willed qualities and self-esteem!

Instead of pivonia tincture, novo-passit (syrup) and green tea with lemon balm, sublingual glycine are better.

Regarding the situation with your girlfriend: after all, your anxiety did not come out of nowhere, it has a rational basis. This means it will be easier to deal with this.

Firstly, you are in a codependent unhealthy relationship with your partner. A healthy relationship is when your soul is light, warm, calm and comfortable, regardless of whether your partner is nearby or not, because They are based on adulthood, mutual unconditional trust, and responsibility for each other. You both need to understand this. If one person does not want this and does not accept it, the relationship will disappear and collapse. Therefore, we need a calm, respectful conversation, and not tears and hysterics with crazy emotions.

Regarding “friendship,” I’m tired of repeating to clients that this is very rare. Friendship between a man and a woman is a brother-sister relationship, absolutely devoid of any sexual or gender connotation. Does your girlfriend have this kind of “friendship”? If so, then I can only congratulate you, you can calm down. If not, decide with your partner what to do next with such a “friendship” that leads both of you to mutual claims and litigation, and you generally to neurosis. Is this “friendship” worth such sacrifices?

Next, Denis, you need to eliminate codependency with your partner. After this psychotechnics, you will feel much better, and it will be easier to find a common language with your lady of the heart. It is advisable not to do this yourself, but with a psychologist/psychotherapist.

And also, increase your self-esteem, start respecting yourself, your good qualities and actions. Respect the Man in you! Think about what you could or would like to change about yourself, what would be worth working on in order to like yourself? If you like yourself, others will like you (including girls!) Shift your attention from the girl to yourself, your beloved! Understand that the state of peace, balance, harmony depends only on us, and not on another person. Don't lose yourself, Denis! You have such a long and interesting life ahead of you, allow yourself to live it joyfully, cheerfully, harmoniously, because you have the right to do so!

Rate the psychologist's answer:
Rating 4.83 (9 Votes)

How to stop being jealous

Accept and examine your thoughts

Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D., professor at Yale University, former president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, and the International Association for Cognitive Psychotherapy, recommends Jealousy Is a Killer: How to Break Free From Your Jealousy at the Peak of Jealousy stop, breathe and pay attention to your thoughts.

Do they reflect what really is? If you think that your partner is interested in someone other than you, this does not mean that he is. You must understand that thoughts and reality are two different things.

Don't give in to feelings of jealousy

Anger and anxiety can become worse if you dwell on them. And you need to accept your emotions and let them be. You don't have to "get rid of your feelings," but being mindful of your feelings can help ease them.

Understand that uncertainty is part of any relationship

We are looking for certainty: “I need to know that she/he is not interested in you” or “I want to know that we will not break up and will be together.” Dr. Leahy writes that some are even willing to end a relationship before they think the other one will.

Uncertainty is part of life. This is something we can't do anything about.
Robert Leahy

You cannot know for sure whether your partner will leave you or not. But with your accusations and reproaches, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Understand your assumptions

Jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic beliefs: your loved one’s past relationships threaten your union, you have nothing to offer your partner, this relationship will repeat a bad experience with someone else. Often these are nothing more than speculation that have nothing to do with reality.

Find effective ways to improve relationships

“Instead of relying on jealousy, find another way to make the union safe,” advises Robert Leahy. For example, pay attention when your partner does something good, praise each other, refrain from criticism and sarcasm, or make a list of simple and pleasant actions that would please each of you.

Take care of yourself

We must not forget about our development. Find a hobby, play a sport, or take a yoga class. Do not deprive yourself and your lover of freedom and personal space.

Show gratitude instead of jealousy

To a certain extent, jealousy in relationships is normal. But only as long as it strengthens them and does not destroy them.

It helps to remember that besides me, the wonderful miracle, my partner has many other people in his life who can take my place. And that he or she chooses and prefers me over someone else.
Anastasia Popova

A good alternative to jealousy is gratitude for choosing you, for being together. It is impossible to save a relationship with the help of jealousy, but with gratitude it can work.

Build trust

Jealousy, as a rule, is “cured” by trust. If you don't trust your partner, you definitely need to talk to him about it.

Oleg Ivanov, psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolution of Social Conflicts

He may not even be aware of your experiences and may not know that his behavior is giving reasons for them.

Accept the situation and reconsider the relationship

This applies specifically to those cases in which there are reasonable reasons to doubt the fidelity of a loved one.

Jealousy can be a completely honest and normal feeling and have a real basis. Then you need not to suppress it, but to honestly see the unpleasant truth.
Anastasia Popova

In this situation, it is necessary to decide what to do not with feelings of jealousy, but with the relationship as a whole.

The problem can be dealt with. But, if it sits deep and is rooted in childhood, it is better to work out the issue with a specialist. Jealousy can be dangerous and even destructive for relationships; you should not ignore it.

Types of jealousy

CONTENT:

Psychologists distinguish two main types of jealousy. It can be motivated (there are reasons) and unmotivated (without reason). The main difference lies in the cause of this condition.

Motivated jealousy

If the feeling is justified, for example, the girl herself flirts with people of the opposite sex, or the guy even caught her in the arms of another man, then there is nothing to talk about.

It is unlikely that a loving woman will allow herself such behavior. Only separation will help here. Otherwise, a man is capable of harming both the lady of his heart and her suitor. The consequences can be dire. Up to serving a prison sentence.

Turn on the instinct of self-preservation and break off relations with the flirt.

Unmotivated jealousy

Dangerous condition. Psychologists say that it can be obsessive, sometimes even requiring the help of a psychiatrist.

A man becomes a victim of his fantasy. He is jealous without cause or reason, he believes what he came up with himself. No girl can last long with a guy like that.

It is important to learn to cope with causeless jealousy, to press the brakes in time and not to let your imagination run wild. Otherwise, a breakup is inevitable.