"Generation gap" or generational conflict. Article. Family counseling and psychotherapy. Self-knowledge.ru

What it is?

Openly declaring the conflict between generations and actively using this term began in America in the 1960s.

During this period, a protest arose among young people regarding the war with Vietnam. She was also not satisfied with the racial discrimination that existed in the country and social injustice.

The teenagers quarreled with their parents and engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the police. And it was so large-scale that sociologists started talking about the open, acute problem of fathers and children.

Although it has existed at all times, and will always exist as long as humanity lives.

This topic has been studied most deeply by such specialists as Carl Whitaker, Murray Bowen, Virginia Satir and Salvador Minuchin.

Generational conflict is the emergence of contradictions between representatives of both one and different generations.

It allows you to either strengthen relationships and social ties between the participants, or, on the contrary, destroy them if they were unable to find a way out of the current situation that would suit both parties.

Who should we take as an example?

Often we, parents, continue to be in a protracted, years- and decades-long conflict with our own parents. It can be bright or latent (hidden), a “cold war” - a silent confrontation between parents and grandparents. The presence of such confrontations cannot but influence growing children.

Children, as they say, are “fermented in the family brine” and are shaped by the system of relationships that exists in the family. This usually happens without words explaining the situation. It’s just that children grow up and know that mother and grandmother do not find a common language (and how does such interaction affect the child?).

And we, adults, without wanting it ourselves, show the child an example, a model of what the relationship between adult children and their even more adult parents can and should be like.

So, if parents are in conflict with their grandparents, but you do not want the children to “learn” this conflict as the norm:

— it is worth trying to ensure that clarifications of relationships and disagreements do not occur in front of the children;

- you need to find a calm moment and talk about the fact that such a relationship with your parents is not what you dreamed of;

- you need to explain to your grandmother or grandfather, father-in-law or mother-in-law, without judging why difficulties arise;

- this will require language that is accessible to children and non-blaming: “grandmother has such a character”, “grandfather is elderly, it is difficult for such people to change.”

— by taking such measures, you will give children a more humane model of behavior and reaction to what is happening.

Types of generations

Silent (1923 – 1943). Silent - because Stalin's repressions caused horror, accordingly, people tried to be invisible, this allowed them to survive in those times. Characterized by patience, devotion and suspicion.
Baby Boomers (1943 – 1963). After the war there was a surge in birth rates, hence the name. They are characterized by optimism, collectivism and hard work.
X (1963 – 1984). These years saw perestroika, which is why the rebels, as this generation is also called, strive for change. They do not tolerate patriarchy and fight for equality.
Y (1984 – 2000). They are also called millennials or generation zero. They want to get everything from life, so their activities are directed towards pleasure. They do not value knowledge, preferring “useful acquaintances” to achieve goals.
Z (2003 – 2023). The Zetas, unlike the Yers, understand that they need education. Freedom-loving and retreating in the face of difficulties. Capricious, cautious and not responsible. And also developed, because there are so many opportunities around, only the lazy will not use them.

Parents

How to overcome generational conflict in a family

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Tips to help overcome disagreements with grandparents about raising a child

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Grandparents have a special role in the family. They always spoil their grandchildren - they allow them to eat an extra serving of ice cream or go to bed later. Ideally, grandparents make life easier for parents, and parents, in turn, respect them and look forward to their arrival. But sometimes it happens that grandparents interfere in the lives of parents, challenging their opinions and decisions. Sometimes the opposite happens: parents do not take into account the feelings of older family members.

Here are eleven tips to help clarify the roles and responsibilities of both parties. This will help establish peace and respect in the family and pass it on to the next generations.

1. Understand that your parents want the best for you. If you feel like your parents are interfering in your family's affairs, try to understand that they are doing this with good intentions. Like all people, they may make mistakes or not realize that they are violating your boundaries. Sometimes they just don't know what you want from them. Tell them what kind of help you expect from them. Make them feel needed and useful.

2. Don't criticize . The main rule for grandmothers is not to criticize your children. Nobody likes to be judged or blamed, and people usually respond by becoming defensive and irritated. Think about it - who likes constant criticism? Instead, ask how you can help. Focus on the positive aspects and your family relationships will change miraculously.

3. Don't let your boundaries be violated. Explain to your parents that they are crossing the line and that you are uncomfortable (for example, when they give you unsolicited advice). You can say, “I value your opinion. I will definitely ask you for advice when I need help” or “I understand that you have a different opinion, but I will do it my way.”

Give parents something to do to make them feel like they are contributing to the family. For example, if they constantly talk about how parenting has changed a lot lately, let them go to a parent-teacher conference at school or take the child to the doctor. This way, they can support you and see the challenges you face. This will avoid another generational conflict.

If your parents say things like “Your parents don’t know what they’re doing” or “I would never do that” to their child, they are crossing their boundaries. If they openly tell you, “This needs to be done differently,” or “Listen, this is how it should be done,” when they were not asked, they are showing disrespect for your family rules. In such situations, you need to make it clear that you intend to defend your position.

Use the following phrase: “I understand that you are worried, but I will do as I see fit.” And remember that boundary violations are not your fault.

4. Don't give advice unless asked. Few people like unsolicited advice, and from their mother-in-law they perceive it more as criticism. If you, as a grandparent, respect the boundaries of your adult children, give advice only when asked for it, then you can always count on your advice being listened to.

If you want your feelings to be listened to, contact someone personally (probably your son would be best). Never give advice in front of your grandchildren. Be tactful and concise. Never take the side of one spouse against the other. Maintain a neutral position and never gossip or complain to one spouse about the other.

5. Do not take the side of your grandchildren in conflicts with your parents. Don't let your grandchildren complain to you about their parents. They may say that their parents don't buy them what they want or force them to go to bed early. In this case, sympathize with the child, but do not take his side in the conflict with his parents. This will only lead to more problems.

6. Support your spouse. Sometimes you have to tell your parents not to interfere in your family affairs with your spouse. However, try to say it in a way that doesn't make the parents feel like a burden. Discuss personal boundaries, but also make sure your parents feel needed. Don't show them your disrespect.

Let's say your husband doesn't want your parents to stay with you for a long time. He should also support you by communicating well with your parents. Together you should agree on where the boundaries of your family lie. Discuss this in advance: if you do this in front of your parents, they will feel uncomfortable. Then tell your parents what you expect of them.

7. Define your own role. Be honest with yourself about what you will and will not do as a grandmother. Some grandmothers believe that they have already raised their children and do not want to be the nanny every time their children come to visit. Some people have to ask for a long time. Understand what you are willing to do for your children and what you are not. This will save you from unpleasant feelings later. If you live nearby, are you willing to drop your kids off and pick them up from school, babysit your kids, and respond to last-minute calls? If yes, how often are you willing to do this? Clarifying your role in raising a child will benefit everyone.

8. Unsolved problems. Parents, if your role in the family has become ineffective, make adjustments. Do not pass on unresolved family problems to future generations. Listen to your own feelings. Perhaps you feel insecure as a mother, and therefore any advice from your parents seems like criticism. If necessary, ask your parents to be gentler in their statements so that you no longer perceive them as criticism.

9. Live your life. Grandmothers, trying to help their children, do not be intrusive. Love your grandchildren and share your wisdom with your children. Your job is to love and support, not judge or criticize. This way you will bring maximum benefit to your children and will always be a welcome guest in their home.

Don't forget about your personal interests and life goals. This way your life will become full, and you will stop thinking that children or grandchildren should fill it.

Let go of your expectations about how things should happen. Don't let your expectations stop you from enjoying life. Instead of regretting that your children rarely invite you to visit, just enjoy the events happening in your life. But at the same time, do not lose touch with your children.

10. Trust your children. Even if you don't agree with your children's parenting methods, trust them. Remember: you are not a parent, you are a grandmother. If you interfere in the process of raising your grandchildren, this will only provoke conflict. Remember that the world has changed since you raised your children, and the old parenting principles may no longer apply.

Remember that even if you do not agree with the parenting rules set by your children, you must adhere to them. When discussing issues regarding the health or safety of your grandchildren, you should coordinate your actions with your parents. You may be interested or respectfully express your opinion, but your role is not to make decisions about your grandchildren's upbringing. Respect the boundaries and roles of each family member.

Love your grandchildren and help children as much as possible. And finally, be forgiving of your mistakes: no one is perfect.

11. How to make it work. First of all, try again and again. Children need parents, grandmothers need children and grandchildren. This relationship is good for everyone. Whether you live far from each other or close, find ways to play a role in each other's lives.

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Main causes

There are many reasons why so-called “father-son” conflicts arise. In principle, each situation is individual and may include several factors at once.

We would like to present to your attention those that are observed most often and are the main ones.

Reluctance to obey

During adolescence, independence is formed. A child at this age is trying to understand what he is like and what he is capable of. Therefore, it is important not to limit his freedom, but to give him the opportunity to get to know himself.

But there are families in which such aspirations to become independent from adults are met with hostility. Parents believe that because of their age they have a better understanding of life, which is why they show their teenager what to love and how to act.

In principle, this is true; they usually have much more experience and knowledge than their children. But it is extremely important to give everyone a chance to fill their bumps.

Some resign themselves to the authoritarianism of their parents, but most do not want to obey them. That's why puberty is called the most difficult period.

The teenager protests, proves his point. And he usually fights just for the right to be who he is. The subject of the dispute itself may not be so important, it’s about the process and the result. He longs for recognition by adults of himself as an individual.

Discrepancy between expectations and reality

People tend to be enchanted and dwell in illusions and fantasies, completely ignoring reality. For example, when getting married, young people most often think that they will become happier simply because their relationship will become legalized.

But in fact, everything depends only on them, how ready they are to accept each other’s shortcomings. Do they know how to withstand intimacy, and how do they cope with the difficulties that arise?

In general, family happiness is ensured by a lot of factors, which are dangerous to ignore. So, with charm, disappointment is sure to follow. The only question is time, how quickly it will come.

In the same way, parents, not noticing reality, can expect from their children what they are simply not capable of. When a boy who loves to dance is forced to box, this gradually provokes tension in the relationship.

He will feel angry towards such a harsh parent, and, accordingly, will try to rebel, defending his rights to do what he likes.

If it is strictly forbidden in the family to show aggression and generally become irritated, he will direct the destructive vector towards himself.

That is, either he will consciously strive to get into traumatic situations, or he will develop a number of complex diseases that will not allow him to continue his sports career. Simply put, they will give you reasons to quit boxing.

Differences in value system

There are people who are acutely aware of the fact that others may not agree with their point of view. That they don’t live at all as they should and in general, they don’t understand a lot of things, unlike them.

Some people prioritize family, others career. And each of them will be happy and unhappy in their own way. There are no single correct values. Workaholism will benefit some, but on the contrary, it will harm others.

In addition, people have different needs at different times. We should not forget that during the Great Patriotic War people needed to be able to survive and fight enemies. The next generation was rebuilding the country, so they worked tirelessly.

What was important before is not as relevant now. But this does not mean that representatives of different generations have the right to devalue each other.

Fear of everything new

Older people most often refuse the technologies that the modern generation offers them. They spent most of their lives without the Internet and gadgets, enjoying each other’s company and nature.

Why is it difficult for them to understand how to handle phones, how to use a computer, and why robots were invented in general.

They are also afraid to make mistakes, because they are accustomed to the fact that they entail negative consequences. And they have no idea how to deal with these errors. What if, by pressing the wrong key combination, they completely break some piece of equipment?

In addition, it is worth considering the fact that scientific and technological progress undermines the authority of the older generation.

Any five-year-old child is able to go to YouTube and turn on a cartoon, download an application or game of interest. Why would he then listen to a person who is not capable of such a thing? But he only declares that he has seen a lot in this life?

Selfishness

There are individuals who are not interested in other people's opinions, they only care about their own well-being, even if this means creating inconvenience for others. They simply lack the feeling that there are boundaries beyond which they should not go.

People call them complacent and spoiled; in psychology there is such a term as selfishness.

So, you shouldn’t expect respect, recognition and acceptance of another point of view from an egoist. Especially for older people.

Neglect of the past

Our ancestors made a lot of mistakes, as, in principle, each of us. After all, ideality, as you know, does not exist.

Moreover, in the past, people were limited in their capabilities. Every year, humanity receives more and more answers to questions that have bothered it for decades.

So, modern youth may consider themselves smarter than their predecessors, which is why they ignore the experience that their elders are trying to pass on to them. This, naturally, offends and angers, which makes relationships difficult, provoking conflict situations.

Vdovina M. V. Intergenerational relations: causes of conflicts in the family and possible ways to resolve them

Home / Humanitarian information portal “Knowledge. Understanding. Skill” / No. 3 2009 – Sociology
UDC 316.48

Vdovina MV Intergenerational Relationships: the Causes of Conflicts in Family and Possible Ways of Their Resolution

annotation

: The article is a revision of a report prepared within the framework of the project MK-4433.2007.6 (program of the President of the Russian Federation for state support of young Russian scientists). Conflicts in families that have intergenerational grounds are studied.

Keywords

: sociology, intergenerational relations, family, conflicts and their resolution.

Abstract

: The article represents a revision of the report that was prepared as a part of the project MK–4433.2007.6 (the Young Russian Scientists State Support Program of the President of the RF). Conflicts in families that have inter-generational grounds are being investigated.

Keywords

: sociology, intergenerational relationships, family, conflicts and their resolution.

From a sociological point of view, a generation should be considered as a social community of people, the criteria for identifying which are: a) similar socio-age characteristics of individuals and groups. In this sense, typical generational communities are children, youth, middle-aged people, and elderly people; b) the general socio-historical experience and fate of contemporaries who lived together at a specific stage in the development of society. During stable periods of social development, the generational community of contemporaries consists of the following four age cohorts; in transition periods, both age and “modern” generational communities coexist; c) correlation with certain family roles - in this sense, the generation of children, the parent and grandparent generations are conventionally distinguished.

Generational communities are cemented by social ties that arise as a result of intragenerational and intergenerational relationships, which include not only interaction, but also conflicts. The most important mediators of intergenerational relations at the societal level are the institutions of socialization, primarily the family. Direct relationships between generations occur at the level of small groups that arise within these institutions, including in the family as a primary group.

The sociological concept of “family” should be distinguished from the demographic concept of “family household”. In contrast to the latter, a family is characterized not so much by the cohabitation of close relatives, but by the presence of family-institutional ties, role interaction in relations between them, and joint family activities aimed at the implementation of family functions.

The interpretation of conflict, including that arising in the family, is also ambiguous. This is a concept with a wide “amplitude”. Summarizing the positions of conflictological scientific schools and directions, we can highlight the following characteristics applicable to conflict in the family. Conflict is a special type of social relationship between subjects: individuals, social groups, communities. It represents a clash of multidirectional forces and a confrontation between two or more opposing sides. The conflict is caused by the impossibility of simultaneously satisfying their needs, involves the intersection of interests, awareness of the infringement of one’s interests and an attitude towards the opposing side as an adversary and the “culprit” of the problem. In the process of conflict, an acute contradiction based on the incompatibility of interests, goals, expectations, views, motives, and actions is resolved. Conflict relationships are associated with negative emotions, stress, damage, etc.

Various conflicts arise in the family, including generational ones. Their basis is the clash of generational interests, values, norms, statuses, and roles of the subjects of the conflict. In the family, as in society as a whole, both intragenerational and intergenerational conflicts are possible.

Intragenerational conflict arises, as a rule, between spouses, between brothers/sisters, i.e. between relatives of the same generation in the family. Intergenerational, as a rule, is a conflict between parents and children, between grandparents and parents, between grandparents and grandchildren, between other relatives (mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, etc.) belonging to different generations in the family and/or in society, regardless of whether the parties to the conflict live together or separately. There is a difference between intergenerational conflict and generational conflict. The latter can be interpreted not only as a conflict between generations, but also as a conflict between united generations with a third party. The subject of intergenerational conflict in the family, in comparison with family conflict between generations, is not family, but primarily intergenerational contradictions, both directly in the family and indirectly in society as a whole.

Intergenerational conflict in the family

- these are certain relationships between close relatives who identify themselves and their interests with one generation or another; this is a form, a way of manifesting and resolving societal contradictions between generations in the process of their relationships in the family. Intergenerational conflict in the family is social, since its carriers express not individual personal or narrow group interests, but the interests of their generational social community. This conflict is a synthesis of general social, family-institutional, family-group and interpersonal levels of intergenerational relations.

The essence of intergenerational conflict in the family lies primarily in the specifics of its carriers and subject matter. The carriers of this conflict can act individually or in groups. These are relatives of different generations who are in a state of conflict, trying to achieve objectively and subjectively incompatible goals. As a rule, these are people with an age difference of 20–30 years or more. Their age differences are also superimposed by social and cultural differences between generations, primarily value, normative, status, and family role differences.

The motives for the actions of the subjects of the conflict are their conflicting interests. Generational interests are inherent in a particular generation as a social community, develop over the course of a generation’s unique life path, are emotionally charged and are associated with the value attitude of a particular generational community to the world. The generational interests of people of different generations often do not coincide, since they are formed in different social conditions, under the influence of different collective and individual experiences.

To study intergenerational conflict in a modern Russian family (using the example of the Moscow region), in 2003 and 2005 we conducted sociological surveys using a specially designed questionnaire. The 2003 sample was random; 2005 - two-stage: target (based on the presence of interethnic marriage in the family in any of the three generations - grandparents, parents and/or adult children) and random. The 2003 survey included 1,482 respondents, 2005 - 473, i.e. a total of 1,955 people[1].

The conducted research made it possible to identify and conditionally group social factors contributing to intergenerational conflict in the family as follows: transformation processes in the family and society, cultural differences between generations, demographic disparities, socio-economic factors, political, family factors.

Under the influence of the listed social factors that contribute to intergenerational conflict, specific situational causes of this conflict are formed in the family: living in cramped living conditions (55%, according to our survey), lack of consent and mutual respect (50%), material problems (44%). ), deviant behavior (38%), parental divorce (31%), etc. As a rule, these reasons accumulate in the family gradually and have a complex effect. Basically, they reflect value-normative and status-role contradictions, acute social problems between generations at the macrosocial level.

As our research has shown, the manifestation of intergenerational conflict in a Russian family depends not only on the personal and family characteristics of the participants, but also on social preconditions. Almost half of the respondents emphasize the different values of the young, middle and older generations as a source of their conflicts. Many point to the socio-economic crisis and political instability in the country. But what is more alarming is the spiritual crisis, which respondents describe as a decline in morals, which, from their point of view, is observed in the fact that there is little respect for age in society; preference is often given to new trends rather than time-tested experience; the total number of conflicts in society has increased. The modern Russian family is not similar to the traditional patriarchal one, and, according to survey participants, society now values individual success more than family well-being; a multigenerational family is considered a relic of the past, a forced form of living. All this contributes to intergenerational conflict in the family. And only 6% of respondents believe that the manifestation of this conflict in the family does not depend on social processes. According to others, the changes taking place in modern Russian society are making conflicts between generations in the family more frequent and deeper, and social conflicts between generations in society inevitably affect their family relationships.

In a family, intergenerational conflict manifests itself in various forms: openly or hidden; in the form of psychological pressure (71%, according to a survey of families), emotional alienation (28%), violent physical actions (24%), material deprivation (32%), scandals, skirmishes, quarrels, strife, expulsion from the family, rude and neglectful relationships, being left in a helpless state (24%), etc.

Different types of families are characterized by unequal intensity of manifestation of intergenerational conflict and features of its resolution. The study made it possible to typologize Russian families on the following grounds:

· Families in which intergenerational conflict occurs rarely, is fleeting, and is mostly resolved constructively by family members and relatives themselves. As a rule, these are close-knit, harmonious, prosperous families that find agreement in solving pressing problems. As our surveys showed, almost half of such families (51%).

· Families in which intergenerational conflict occurs infrequently, but is long-lasting, or vice versa - often occurs, but is short-lived. There are quite a lot of such families (31% of our respondents), and along with intergenerational ones, they often have other problems in the family - marital, financial, etc. Conflict resolution in such families is associated with certain negative consequences. But positive results are also achieved for the family or its individual members. To successfully resolve the conflict, its participants are ready to consult with specialists - psychologists (37% of respondents would turn to them), social workers (7%), teachers (5%), lawyers (4%), etc.

· Families in which intergenerational conflict occurs frequently, lasts a long time, is not resolved easily and with a predominance of negative consequences. Of the respondents, approximately every twentieth family turned out to be like this. As the study showed, most often these are separated families with an atypical generational structure (note that in Russia there are about 15% of single-parent nuclear and 6% of single-parent multigenerational families, 15% of multigenerational complete families, 5% of large families, etc.[2 ]), aggravated by financial problems and deviant behavior in the family. Pensioners and young people perceive the situation in the family most acutely and assess it as a conflict. But conflicts arise more often between parents and children. The older or younger generations tend to consider people of another generation to be the initiator of the conflict: “they don’t understand and don’t want to understand,” “they don’t respect,” “completely different views,” etc. Members of such families do not hope for self-help and mutual assistance in resolving the conflict, but rely on the help of specialists and socio-political measures.

· Families in which intergenerational conflict is absent or denied by family members. The percentage of families without intergenerational conflict, according to our surveys, is small - about 14%. These families are divided into families consisting of people of the same generation; families with incapacitated representatives of another generation (for example, with young children) and families denying the conflict. Conflicts in these families are particularly destructive and difficult to resolve, since hidden contradictions accumulate over the years. Such families especially need preventive assistance.

An important task for family and society is the settlement and prevention of socially unacceptable forms of intergenerational conflict, leading to negative consequences for the individual, family and society. In the opinion of the family members we interviewed, this requires both government and public measures and personal, family efforts. For example, the state and society should help in solving housing problems of young spouses (58%), economic problems of families (low wages, unemployment, rising cost of living, etc.) (39%), development of social services for families (12%), family counseling (11%) and much more, which requires stability in the state (29%) and relevant legislative and law enforcement standards (7%). Family and individuals are required to provide mutual assistance between generations (57%), improve the culture of relationships in the family (33%), etc.

Relations between generations in Russian society are becoming more complex and diverse. Therefore, intrafamily resolution of intergenerational conflict is often insufficient without the use of special techniques and techniques. These techniques can be used by family members independently or with the help of specialists working with the family. For example, the legal settlement of intergenerational conflict in the family is legitimized by Russian legislation: the Constitution of the Russian Federation (1993), Family (1995), Civil (Part 1 - 1994, Part 3 - 2001) and other codes, federal and regional laws and regulatory legal acts. However, they are dominated by a forceful, coercive solution to the problem and its consequences. To prevent conflict in the family, the legal framework alone is not enough. An important role is also played by strengthening and promoting family values and norms of intergenerational interaction (dialogue, cooperation, mutual respect, etc.).

Prevention and resolution of conflicting relationships between generations is the result of the targeted influence of society and its institutions: family, education, culture, media, law, social protection, local government, church, etc. The main focus of their regulatory activities is the strengthening and development of social interaction between generations at all levels (macro level and micro level).

The most important mechanism for social regulation of conflict in the family is the development and implementation of state social policy. Its task should not be to suppress conflict or avoid resolving complex social contradictions between generations, but to take into account generational interests, harmonize their relations, coordinate the activities of socialization institutions and other social institutions, maintain and strengthen the social status of older and young people, families with children, and prepare youth to family life and assistance to young families, development of legislative and law enforcement activities in the social sphere of society, etc.

Vdovina Margarita Vladimirovna
–
Associate Professor of the Department of Sociology at Moscow University for the Humanities, Candidate of Sociological Sciences.

Vdovina Margarita Vladimirovna

— an associate professor of the Sociology Department of Moscow University for the Humanities, candidate of science (sociology).

[1] The 2003 survey was 32% male and 68% female. Young people aged 16 to 30 years made up 41%; middle generation 31–55 years old - 39%; pensioners over 55 years of age - 20%. The vast majority of respondents (92%) are Russian. 54% of respondents are married people; 27% of respondents have never been married; 10% are divorced; 9% are widowers. Two thirds of survey participants have children, and slightly less than a third also have grandchildren. The families of our respondents are mainly small (1–2 children); They also have few grandchildren (1–3). 29% of respondents live with a spouse and children, 18% - with parents, 15% - with a spouse, 11% - alone, 10% - with spouses, children and other relatives, 10% - with other relatives, 7% - with children . The respondents' education was specialized secondary (33%), higher (26%), incomplete higher (18%), general secondary (16%), etc. Social status varied: employees (29%), pensioners (18%), students (15 %), employees of commercial structures (12%), workers (11%), other categories of working and non-working citizens. 76% of respondents are believers, 74% are Orthodox. 46% live in the capital, 54% live in the region. In 2005, the socio-demographic characteristics of respondents differed significantly only by nationality (57% Russians, 7% Ukrainians, 6% Tatars, 4% each Belarusians and Armenians, 3% Jews, 3% Moldovans, 2% Azerbaijanis, 2% Georgians , 1% Poles and representatives of other nationalities, whose share in the sample did not exceed 1%) and by the predominance of Moscow residents (75%) over respondents from the Moscow region.

[2] Calculated from: Number and composition of households: Results of the All-Russian Population Census of 2002: in 14 volumes. M., 2005. Vol. 6. pp. 6–7, 20–23.

Consequences

Negative

Deterioration of mood and general well-being due to stress. Any quarrel is tension, and subsequently stress for the body, which very rarely benefits its owner. There is a section in psychology called psychosomatics. She studies the influence of various psychological factors on the emergence and development of somatic diseases. To put it simply and in popular terms, this is a statement that any disease is caused by nerves.
Breakdown of relationship or increased misunderstanding. When both sides are not ready to hear each other, acknowledge and seek compromises, it causes a lot of anger. Which, in principle, has such powerful energy that it can lead to people stopping communicating. Even despite the fact that they are related.
Growing social tension. It manifests itself in the form of distrust in authorities, a decline in the demographic situation, rush demand and general anxiety among the population.

Positive

Changes in the value system of participants. Every conflict is a clash of different points of view. Both sides get the opportunity to reconsider their ideals and values, and understand that there are other opinions. And if they understand that their priorities are set incorrectly, because they do not allow them to achieve what they want and realize their goals, then there is a chance to change their life for the better, relying on the experience of others.
Relieving social tension.
Solving life problems and complex tasks. This has already been mentioned in the column about rethinking values. Moreover, in the process of conflict resolution, opponents resolve not only the main problem, but also related ones.

Resolution methods ↑

For many, the most significant issue is probably not what the disagreement is, but how to resolve it. Here are the three most appropriate methods:

Argumentation of your position . To prove that you are right, it is not enough to simply stand your ground. You can try to convince your interlocutor that what was said is not just an opinion, but an opinion based on something: experience, reading from a reliable source, example, etc. But at the same time, it is important to listen to the interlocutor who holds a different point of view. In some situations, both opinions are true, so when the circumstances are clarified, the conflict between the older and younger generations can be quickly resolved.
Compromise . Restrained people who know how to listen and analyze come to him especially easily. Practice proves that in situations where there are two different opinions, it is possible to find a “golden mean”, the essence and outcome of which will satisfy both sides. A compromise sometimes lies in the fact that opponents follow first one opinion, then another. Perhaps one of them will clearly see the usefulness/sanity/expediency of the decision of someone whose point of view was not accepted at first.
Concession . If one of the parties wants to end the conflict, it is better for them to simply refuse to win. The fact is that when entering into a debate, different generations can argue for a long time about who is right and what the outcome will be. This can also lead to a variety of consequences, which often negatively affect the relationship between these people. There are three options to resolve the situation:

everyone remains unconvinced (that is, both sides stop proving they are right);
one of the parties agrees (“Okay, maybe you’re right”);
the conflict does not begin initially due to the fact that one of the interlocutors, who has the opposite point of view, simply decides to remain silent (this method is especially relevant in case of minor disagreements).

Unable to resist labor conflicts? Find out what to do if you have a conflict with a colleague at work. How to avoid conflict in the family? Find out from the article.

Read about the prevention of marital conflict here.

Resolution Methods

It should be understood that the problem of intergenerational conflicts will exist as long as humanity lives.

But we have the power to anticipate the emergence of protracted and complex quarrels, as well as to minimize losses. This refers to the ability to stop in time before a break in the relationship occurs.

Recommendations

If you want to be heard, learn to listen and hear back. By ignoring your opponent’s words, devaluing them and ridiculing them, you will only “throw wood” into the already flaring fire of misunderstanding. Use active listening techniques, then you will achieve positive results in the communication process.
Give reasons for your opinion. By using information from a trusted source, you will increase your chances of being listened to.
Avoid insults and personalities during an argument. Otherwise, you will only turn your interlocutor against you, causing him a lot of indignation.
Agree to compromises. There are situations when instead of “or” you can use “and”. That is, both sides can be right and worthy of respect. Look together for options that will suit both you and the other equally.
Make concessions if the relationship is more valuable to you than being right in this matter. Yes, it is unpleasant, but the loss of a loved one will not bring much happiness.
Ignore the conflict if you understand that it is organized artificially, only for emotional release. For example, it happens that disagreements in a family begin for one simple reason - the fatigue of its members. It is worth resting at least a little, and then what is happening will be perceived differently, more calmly.
Look for opportunities and resources. By stopping yourself in the moment of anger about the fact that your point of view is devalued, and by thinking about what useful things you will take away from this conversation, you can move forward in your development. Let’s say you learn about other people’s experiences, share yours, this will broaden your horizons. Or, based on your opponent’s behavior, you will understand how you should behave yourself, and what words and behavior patterns are better to refuse.

The phenomenon of “teenage rebellion”

For the last 50-60 years, that is, the time after World War II, the presence of confrontation between fathers and children has actually been postulated by culture. A stable concept of “adolescence”, “teenage rebellion” arose. This is the behavior expected from a growing child.

From a cultural and historical point of view, this is a very young concept - 100 years ago no one had heard of teenage rebellion, and the word “teenager” was simply absent from the vocabulary of any tradition. Why do we now have what we have?

This phenomenon is largely associated with the destruction of the traditional patriarchal structure of society in general and the family in particular. And if earlier it was believed that old people and elders were wise bearers of truth, now discoveries are expected from the younger generation. All this at the level of specific family situations can give rise to a lot of problems, for example:

- in teenage slang, even the very concept of “parents” is not used or is replaced with contemptuous words: “ancestors”, “relatives” - people are irrelevant, do not have the right to vote, they “suck”, but young people are “adequate”.

- the opinion of parents is perceived as outdated by default: “Mom, what do you understand!”, “Dad, no one has done this for 100 years (thinks, says).”

How to mitigate teenage-type conflicts?

— try not to lose your sense of humor, don’t take everything too seriously;

- try to remember as much as possible about your own teenage period, if possible, re-read diaries, look at old photographs, talk with friends and their parents who remember you in this phase of development;

- in good, calm moments, try to talk with your child about the fact that the conditions he experienced were also yours. Try not to be didactic, let this conversation become a friendly conversation, not a lecture;

- you can also tell us that your parents’ opinion once seemed stupid and outdated to you;

- remember: the period of teenage omniscience is passing. And never again does a person think that he knows as much about people and relationships as he did at 14-16 years old. Life experience softens almost everyone;

- when it is especially difficult, try not to forget that, through conflict, a teenager develops his own position in life;

— the child will grow up, and the “black and white movie” of his judgments will acquire halftones and shades. Most often, the generational conflict softens or even gives way to mutual understanding closer to the child’s 25-30 years.

Why is conflict between generations the norm and is it necessary to control a teenager on social networks?

In the next issue of the Narodnaya Gazeta project and the Faculty of Philosophy and Social Sciences of the BSU “Parent University” we will talk about the complexities of relationships between mothers and teenage girls. How can you help your daughter cope with the difficulties of adaptation at home, at school, among her peers? What mistakes do parents of teenagers most often make? And why do many families repeat the same female scenario from generation to generation? We are talking with Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychology, Faculty of Philosophy and Social Sciences of BSU, certified Gestalt therapist Inna Gulis.

— Inna Valerievna, they say that behind every interest of a psychologist there is personal life experience. Why did you decide to look specifically at the topic of a mother’s relationship with her growing daughter?

- Because there is a considerable amount of truth in the statement that you cited. I am the mother of an eighteen-year-old girl. My daughter's teenage years are not over yet. It is intense, contradictory, and emotional. I have something to compare with, since I am also the mother of two sons, one of whom is already an adult, accomplished man. I’ll be honest: with a girl it’s more difficult. Every psychologist knows: when you work with clients, it is not difficult for you to maintain a professional position. It’s a completely different matter when it comes to your loved ones: you cannot remain indifferent and objectively assess what is happening, you cannot turn off the flow of emotional experiences. Therefore, I have to turn to my colleagues for help. Now, in turn, I want to help families in which a girl is growing up to get through the difficult period of her growing up as easily as possible.

I’ll immediately make the necessary clarification: when we talk about the role of a mother in a relationship with a teenage daughter, this does not mean that the father remains “overboard.” The participation of both parents in the educational process is extremely important. The nuance is that mothers often make more mistakes in communicating with their daughters, because, remembering their own adolescence, they expect the girl to behave the same way or, conversely, not to repeat her mother’s mistakes. That is, they prescribe her life scenario for the girl in advance, completely losing sight of the fact that each child is an individual, with his own needs, claims, and his own perception of the world. He lives his life, makes his mistakes and rejoices in his achievements. I always remind moms of this: your daughters are women with their own destinies. You cannot and should not “mold them in your own image and likeness”; you should not sacrifice them to your ambitions.

“Many mothers are extremely unhappy that at some point they lose authority in the eyes of their daughters. Is it worth getting caught up in this?

— At the age of 12-16 years, children begin to be critical of the world, they leave the care of their parents, and want to show independence. There is nothing wrong with the fact that some of the views and beliefs of parents seem outdated or even downright stupid to them. There is no need to dramatize: intergenerational conflict is an absolutely natural process. The child needs to gradually begin to separate psychologically from his father and mother in order to become an adult, independent, self-confident person, ready to start his own family and live separately.

The problem with today's relationships between mothers and children is that the former want to maintain control over the latter for as long as possible, thereby greatly preventing them from growing up. This is understandable: clan traditions are still strong in Belarus, and the Eastern culture of education predominates. At the same time, in most European countries and the United States, it is customary for 18-year-old children to provide for themselves and live separately from their parents. In a sense, we are at a crossroads: Western cultural traditions are penetrating our lives, mixing with Eastern ones, while local national cultural traditions are becoming a thing of the past.

— What do mothers of teenage girls most often complain about when they turn to a psychologist for help?

- A complete lack of understanding of what was happening, the child’s explosive emotions, the fact that they suddenly began talking to their daughter in different languages, and the inability to influence the girl’s behavior. Often mothers (and fathers too) are not prepared for their children’s adolescence and the intergenerational conflict that escalates during this period. Much depends on what stage of psychosexual development the parents themselves are at. If mom or dad exhibits teenage behavior, how can they influence their daughter?

“But, in my opinion, the mother has a chance to become her daughter’s best friend.”

“I don’t consider this the norm in mother-daughter relationships.” We need reasonable boundaries. A mother should be a mother - loving, accepting and supportive of her daughter in any situation, but at the same time respected and experienced, capable of giving hints and good advice. Of course, a lot depends on the age at which the mother gave birth to her girl, and how mature the child’s parents are in general. On the one hand, the older the mother is, the less common interests she seems to have with her growing daughter. On the other hand, such a mother has more life experience and wisdom. Although, of course, there are wonderful mothers among very young women. I have a friend who gave birth at 15 years old. Riot of hormones, unplanned pregnancy. But with the birth of her baby, her world turned upside down: her maternal instinct awoke, she calmed down and was able to take care of her child. The fact that this happened is a great credit to her mother. She was able to cope with her fears and worries, was able to find the right words, and joy replaced anxieties and contradictions in their family.

—Where do the personal boundaries of a growing girl end? Do parents need to read their daughter’s correspondence on social networks or her diary?

— A pressing question to which it is difficult to give a definite answer. I understand why the advice of the competent authorities insists that mothers and fathers supervise their children and monitor their activity on the Internet. But still, I advocate that there is no need to overdo it. Personal boundaries - from the word “personality”. Each of us has them. And we want our close people, and even more so strangers, to respect them. The child also wants his parents to see him as a person. And it’s normal when a schoolgirl has her own little secrets that she doesn’t want to share with her elders. Of course, we are now talking about secrets that are within the legal framework. Therefore, I advocate that parents build such a trusting and sincere relationship with their child that he himself invites them as friends on social networks and does not set passwords on his laptop, so that first of all he turns to them for advice and help.

In fact, it’s not such a difficult science to be an important, necessary, loved and respected person in a teenager’s life. It is enough to follow a few rules. Don't stop your children from hanging out with the friends they choose. Never torture your child with silence as an educational measure: this has far from the best effect on the teenager’s psyche. Do not impose your demands on your daughter - learn to convey information in a reasoned manner so that it looks like advice or a recommendation, but not an order.

And take more care of your relationships: a teenager’s behavior is a litmus test of the microclimate in the family. When everything is good between parents, children experience their growing up stage much easier.

TO THE POINT

In April of this year, a unique educational project for our country, “Parent University,” was launched at BSU, the main goals of which are to improve the psychological culture of mothers and fathers in raising children, as well as socio-pedagogical and psychological support for the family. The project is commercial, so classes are conducted on a paid basis - on average about 120 rubles per course. Groups - 12-15 people, no more. This is the optimal amount for conducting practical and training sessions, where everyone is taught how to manage anger and aggression, how to run a family business, how to help a child grow up successful and happy, how to competently communicate with “difficult children,” etc.

USEFUL TIPS FOR MOMS AND DADS

Do not distance yourself from the girl during the difficult period of puberty - it is extremely important for her to feel the support of both parents and the integrity of the family. In a healthy family, adolescence occurs naturally.

Sincere conversations between father and daughter contribute to better understanding and further building relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, do not hesitate to answer the girl’s questions about boys or requests to explain the behavior of a classmate or friend. Your advice as a man will be very useful to her.

Competently build roles in the family. If the mother is strict, then the father should be more loyal to his daughter. Or vice versa. It is important that the girl has a person nearby who can steadfastly endure her mistakes, screams, tears and at the same time be accepting, warm and supportive. In addition, it is important not to allow dual messages in education that simply “explode the child’s brain”: for example, the mother categorically demands that her daughter come home no later than 9 pm, and the father, if the girl is late, takes her side and pretends that nothing is wrong. nothing terrible happened. Agree in advance among yourselves what kind of “policy” you are pursuing in relation to your daughter. Try not to show her your contradictions.

Find time to watch movies with your child, discuss events at school, and relationships with friends. A sincere atmosphere should reign in the family. It is important to be honest with your children.

Watch out for fluctuations in your mood, do not let your emotions get the better of you during conversations with a girl. Screaming, swearing, and threats will only push the child away from you. It is better to postpone an important conversation until later.

If you are uncomfortable talking openly about something with your child, try writing what worries you or doesn’t suit you in an email or paper letter. Sometimes it’s much easier to formulate thoughts this way. Or invite your daughter to send you a message in which she will express what she does not dare say when communicating face to face. Try to communicate with your children all the time.

Respect your child's integrity, identity and uniqueness. Remember that parenting is a gift.

BY THE WAY

At the age of 12-16 years, many children experience the evolution of their development as individuals, the evolution of values, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that some views and beliefs of their parents seem outdated or even downright stupid to them. There is no need to dramatize: intergenerational conflict is an absolutely natural process. The child needs to slowly begin to separate psychologically from his father and mother in order to cultivate self-reliance, independence, responsibility, the ability to make decisions and be responsible for them, in order to be ready to start his own family and live separately

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