I'm rage. Why do we become aggressive and what to do about it | Psychology of life

Kinds

You may hear “a person has become aggressive,” but you need to understand that aggression can manifest itself in different ways depending on its type.

Verbal. Characterized by the presence of rude remarks, humiliating words, cruel jokes, threats, and curses. Such behavior causes the object at whom aggression is directed mental pain and moral suffering.
Physical. Aggression is accompanied by harm to the health of the object at whom the anger is directed. A scandal may be accompanied by assault and a fight.
Protective form. For example, when a wife, in order to protect herself from her husband, who attacks her with fists, hits him on the head with a rolling pin.

Aggressive people may have certain qualities:

they often consider those around them to be their enemies;
Often such individuals have low self-esteem and try to assert themselves through aggression;
tendency to blame other people for your problems;
"explosive" from the slightest "spark".

Possible reasons

Problems at work can cause aggression in the family

When a person behaves aggressively, the question arises as to why this happens. For example, you can consider a situation where the husband shows increased aggression. The following factors may be to blame:

the spouse has problems at work - he is in a state of stress and does not realize that he is already at home, continues to be angry with his superiors, employees, or simply that something is not working out;
childhood psychological traumas that have now begun to come out (you need to realize what exactly prompted their awakening);
a man’s aggressive behavior may be due to the presence of a pattern of behavior that he observed in his parents; his behavior is an inheritance of the parental script;
If a man abuses alcohol or has a drug addiction, he may experience causeless attacks of aggression. It's all due to a mental disorder. A person cannot control himself.

General factors influencing the occurrence of aggression include:

own weakness;
psychological complexes;
diffidence;
various phobias;
uncontrollable anger.

It is worth considering the presence of certain circumstances in an individual’s life that push him to such behavior.

Attacks of aggression can occur in the presence of certain restrictions and prohibitions. This is a situation where the wife does not allow her husband to see his friends after work or go fishing with them.
An attack of aggression can be triggered by the lack of opportunity to get what you want or coercion of various kinds. Here comes a situation where the wife has prepared a dish for dinner that the husband cannot stand, and at the same time she does not give him the right to choose, she forces him to eat.
Manifestation of aggression as a way of self-affirmation. A person thus indicates his superiority.
Aggression can occur when there is a lack of attention, love and care.
A man often becomes aggressive when he becomes jealous of his wife. A sense of ownership awakens in him.
Reaction to life's problems, stress and anxiety.
A common way of communicating for a specific person.
Aggression is a manifestation of internal instinct. A situation where a person suppressed negative emotions, which over time spilled out.
The result of self-preservation. An option is when a lot of stress accumulates, a person tries to get rid of it in this way. It’s good if aggression manifests itself through physical activity and sports.
The result of frustration. An option when a person fails to achieve true goals in his life, he feels weak and helpless.

As you can see, the answer to the question of why people are aggressive can have many options and depend on the individual person, his individual qualities and the impact of certain circumstances.

thanks to parents

— What determines the level of aggression?

— There are three factors here: genetics, upbringing and environment. If a person lives in the outback, where it is absolutely normal to fight wall to wall, girls pull each other by the hair, naturally, he will behave accordingly, otherwise he will be considered a weakling, and he himself will become an object of aggression.

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— Let’s say a person begins to notice increased aggressiveness in himself, and this lasts not a day, or two, but a month or more. What time period indicates that this is abnormal?

— If you have been constantly in an aggressive state for more than two months, then most likely something is going wrong and you need to contact a specialist. It is also very important to understand why you are on edge. Let’s say you’re going through a divorce, then the origins here are more or less clear, but when everything in your life seems good at first glance, and you want to quarrel with someone every day, it’s worth, again, turning to a psychologist.

— Is it necessary to suppress aggression?

— Suppression is harmful in principle, but if you do not suppress your desire, for example, to hit a woman in the subway who stepped on your foot, it will definitely not lead to anything good. Therefore, in this matter, I would recommend using common sense and simply not breaking the law. Aggression that does not harm you and others has a right to exist, just think, you will curse under your breath, the main thing is that no one gets hurt.

— And if you can’t curb aggression, where should you put it then?

- Sometimes it’s trite that you need to speak out among your surroundings, who will understand and support you, and not on the street, shocking strangers. If you know that you are aggressive, take up boxing or some martial arts.

- It always seemed to me that this was some kind of ineffective way...

— It’s a shame, look how many girls are now involved in MMA or other active sports. Believe me, this is not without reason, and it works.

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How to behave

It is unacceptable to respond to aggression with aggression.

How to calm an aggressive person? Let her talk. Perhaps you will understand why he behaves this way. When he throws out all his aggression, ask clarifying questions.
Keep your emotions and voice under control. It is important to be confident and not speak too loudly.
If necessary, express sympathy and support the person.
Talk together about what happened, decide how you need to live further, and where to turn for help.

It is important to respond correctly to the occurrence of aggression in a spouse. A woman can go two ways.

Avoid conflict. When you realize that your husband is about to explode, it is better to leave the room, go to another room or even outside, go to the store or just take a walk in the fresh air. It is important that the man has time to calm down during this time. If aggression is a character trait, then it is important to show by leaving that you will not tolerate such behavior.
If a man loves you, try to persuade him to go to special courses that teach anger management.

Adviсe

This kind of treatment should not be allowed. State directly that you are not comfortable with this behavior.

Try to determine what exactly is hidden under the aggression, what are its causes.
Offer to do self-improvement together.
Under no circumstances allow yourself to be humiliated, much less beaten.
Do not listen if a loved one says during attacks that you yourself are to blame for the fact that he behaves this way. So you risk trying on the role of a victim, putting this label on yourself, which will significantly worsen your life.
It is unacceptable to hold grievances within yourself; tell your loved one that you are unhappy with the way he behaves.
Increase your self-esteem. In many cases, the victims of aggressors are people with low self-esteem.
Never lose your self-esteem. Learn to control your emotions. You can resort to relaxation and spiritual practices.
You need to follow the correct body language when an aggressor attacks you. It is important at this moment to stay as open and direct as possible. A closed pose with crossed arms is unacceptable. You need to look straight into the eyes. Try to copy the aggressor's movements.

It is dangerous to encourage a person who takes out his aggression outside the walls of the home, since over time such behavior will spread to family members.

Now you know how to behave with an aggressive person. As you can see, communicating with such a person can have a negative impact on you. It is worth considering that a person experiencing increased aggression causes irreparable harm to his loved ones, the people who surround him, as well as to his health.

Managing Aggression: Why do people become more aggressive and how to resist anger?

The word aggression translated means “movement towards an object.” Aggression is the energy that helps us achieve our goals in life and withstand competition. But this is with a normal level of aggression and its correct direction. And if not?

Bad luck haunts William (Michael Douglas). And now his accumulated aggression has passed the “boiling point”! (Film “I’ve had enough!”, 1993)

My son is in 11th grade. There are kids at school who provoke him into fights. Recently I was called to school and told that my son was aggressive and cruel. Perhaps he became like this because he saw his father's rudeness. My husband has a hard job, in a male team, conflicts often arise. Passions run high in our family. How to deal with aggression? How to deal with aggressive people? Maria, 42 years old, Tula.

For many people, the level of aggression is increased and the direction of energy is incorrect. For example, aggression can be directed toward entering college, pursuing a career, or achieving personal goals. But for some reason, a person directs it in a different direction, for example, towards a neighbor who is more fortunate in life, or towards the weak, or towards self-destruction.

Dangerous aggression

The only correct direction of this energy is life achievements, not “over the heads”, but along your own path. And also standing up for your rights. If energy is not used for its intended purpose, it becomes dangerous. Here are four types of misdirected aggression.

1 Identification with the aggressor. The most dangerous type of aggression provokes cruelty and crime. From childhood, a person is brought up in an atmosphere of cruelty. He is the object of bullying and learns that people are divided into two categories: strong (in his understanding, aggressive, cruel, who can mock, suppress) and weak (victims). This child no longer sees the other side of the world.

He doesn’t want to be weak, and he identifies with the strong (with the aggressor). Then in life he himself becomes cruel and aggressive. He has no pity for the victims, because in order to feel sorry, he needs to “take the place of the weak.” And he cannot afford this, he has suffered too much in the role of the weak. That is why they say that an aggressor or rapist is a victim of aggression and violence in the past.

2 Aggression suppressed. Most often this happens in childhood. The child is forbidden to get angry, defend his point of view, or fight back. Or he is physically and mentally weak and is afraid to show aggression even in the most harmless form. And it becomes a “quiet pool” in which “devils roam.” Aggression does not go away, it remains inside.

A quiet and harmless “nerd” may one day go off the rails in such a way that no one will find it enough.

If aggression never finds a way out, it will begin to destroy the person himself. Diseases, problems, complexes become attached. A person destroys himself with the help of alcohol, drugs, gambling and computer games.

3 Aggression of a loser. Envy, anger at the whole world, confidence that “everything is wrong” in the world, it is ruled by evil, money, etc. Instead of realizing oneself, a person becomes angry or takes revenge on those more fortunate. The person himself may not even be aware of the reasons for his aggression.

4 Aggression redirected. For example, at work your boss made you very angry, but you cannot enter into an open confrontation with him and take your anger out on an accessible object: your husband, your child. Unfortunately, it is the weaker ones who suffer here, those who cannot fight back.

Why is everyone so angry

In the modern world, rates of all types of aggression are rising. People were divided into lucky and unlucky, rich and poor. This means that losers take out their aggression on successful ones. And the successful are forced to fight for their place in the sun.

The frantic pace of life forces us to suppress aggression and take it out on our family. Because there is no time to sit down and talk with your opponent, to understand yourself, to calm down. TV is replete with scandals, violence and disasters. This increases the level of aggression tenfold.

How to deal with an aggressor?

The main thing, if you meet an aggressor, is not to be on the same wavelength with him. Any aggressor splashes out evil not on a random person, but on a suitable victim. If your level of aggression is elevated, you will attract the aggressor to you like a magnet. If you're on a different wavelength, he won't notice you. For example, in a dark alley they will ask a passerby who is angry at someone for a “light.”

If the aggressor attacks, do not succumb to provocation, remain calm, mentally play the role of a good person, remember Christian values. Even this is often enough to calm the aggressor.

The main thing is not to respond to aggression with anger. Even if the situation requires you to intimidate the aggressor, respond harshly, or otherwise stand up for yourself, do so, but remain calm inside. If the aggressor is reasonable (we are talking about your boss, not the bully), use psychological aikido: start your speech with the word “yes”, find something to agree with the aggressor on, take his position, sympathize.

Just numbers How often do you get angry?

Advice from a psychologist How to cope with your aggression

1 If you notice that you are often angry and irritable, try to understand what and why irritates you. Often what causes anger in us is precisely what we have in ourselves or what we cannot afford. A lonely and complex woman is annoyed by a nymphet in a miniskirt. Someone who is greedy but hides it will be enraged by greed in others.

2 Put yourself in the shoes of those who irritate you, think and feel like them. Maybe they have reasons to behave this way? Empathize with them.

3 If you often get angry and irritated with people for no reason, think: what is wrong in your life? Perhaps this is redirected aggression. Maybe you are not satisfied with your family relationships, and you lash out at your subordinates? Or vice versa. Think about a solution to your current problem.

4 If you are angry with a particular person and are thinking in your head “oh, what kind of person is he...!”, try to talk frankly with him and discuss the issues of concern. A frank conversation will clarify a lot.

5 If the level of aggression is off the charts, maybe you just need to rest? Get some sleep, do your favorite things, relax. Everyone has their own way of relaxing and cleansing from irritation: yoga, meditation, sports, sauna, communication, creativity.

Dear readers!

I'm waiting for your feedback at [email protected] .

Angela Kharitonova, practical psychologist.