From this article you will learn:
- What problems do women face if their husband already has children?
- What to do if your husband brings your child into the house
- How to stop hating your husband's child from his first marriage
- How a husband's child can strengthen a family
Relationships with the husband's child if he lives separately
There are several reasons that prevent a stepmother from establishing a relationship with her husband’s child. The most common are the following:
- Difficult situation.
A tense relationship with her husband’s parents gives a woman a lot of worries and problems. She must show wisdom, patience and understanding that the new family may not immediately accept her. If they got married after a divorce, this gives the woman certain advantages. Unlike the situation when she became the reason for his leaving the family. In this case, future relatives are unlikely to love her. A woman will not be forgiven for breaking up her family and traumatizing the child’s psyche. Everyone will be on the side of the ex-wife and children.
- Financial red tape.
You will have to come to terms with the fact that your husband will constantly spend part of the money from your family budget on his child. Most likely, even taking into account alimony, he will still buy gifts for his birthday and other holidays. Conversations on this topic will not bring any benefit, but will only become a cause for constant quarrels. The man will support his child, and even the fact that his former wife has already entered into a new marriage will not stop him.
- Frequent meetings with the child.
The days when the husband meets and spends time with his child bring a lot of anxiety. This could be evening walks or a shared weekend. The less time has passed in a new marriage, the more jealously a woman will react to her husband’s constant absence.
And if these situations can still be resolved, then from the moment of permanent cohabitation with the husband’s children, everything becomes more complicated, and a direct threat to the newly established relationship appears.
Children use the potty from the age of 2, or even earlier.
Wrong expectation: parents expect that as soon as they give up diapers, the child will immediately go to the toilet.
Reality: Only 4% of 2-year-olds use the potty successfully. 60% of children master this skill by age three. 52% percent of three-year-olds stay dry during the day, and 93% percent don't wet their pants by age four. On average, children remain dry at night by age four. It seems that the timely and correct dispatch of the “big” things comes after the “small” ones. In general, boys start using the toilet later than girls, and children learn not to wet their pants during the day before they become able to not wet their pants during the night.
What to do: Look for signs in your child that he is ready for potty training. These include interest in the subject, periodic attempts to urinate in the potty or toilet, and dry diapers between diaper changes. Do not pester your child with the question: “Do you need to go potty?” if the child constantly refuses. Instead, when your child shows signs of readiness, sit him on the potty at regular intervals throughout the day and praise him for successful use.
What are the risks of having a husband’s child in the family?
If a man nevertheless decides to bring a child into your family, then two scenarios are possible:
- He can immerse himself in parenting, will constantly spend time with the child, not caring that you feel lonely and terribly jealous. You spend less time walking together, visiting and having fun. Lightness and carefreeness disappear from relationships.
- The man is not satisfied with the fact that the child is always nearby, because of this he is tense, nervous, and lashes out at you at every opportunity.
Both options are not suitable for maintaining family relationships. This list is supplemented by other problems:
- Jealousy towards ex-wife.
Almost always, a woman is jealous of her husband towards his ex-wife, because she constantly calls, talks about the child’s affairs, consults, and asks for help. This can make adjustments to already made plans, cancel planned events, force a man to drop everything and go to them.
To worry less about this, you need to remember that for normal development a child must have both a father and a mother, otherwise his rights to a happy childhood are violated. In the future, this will negatively affect his character and relationships with the opposite sex. If you look at this issue from the perspective of the child’s interests, it will become clear that the man no longer plans to return to his former wife, but they will always be connected by a common child.
- Difficulties in relationships with my husband's child.
When a father leaves the family, it is always an indelible psychological trauma for children. The whole world and ideas about it are collapsing. As a rule, children hear the quarrels that occur between parents before the divorce, and feel their share of guilt in the events that take place, and feel their own uselessness. It seems to them that now they are only disturbing adults.
The child may withdraw into himself, become withdrawn and become very worried. In order for the stepmother to be able to find an approach, pick up the key and make friends with the little man, she needs to look at events from his point of view and try to understand how he feels. For him, you are a stranger, an unwanted person, and you should not take his resentment, anger and rejection as a personal insult. This behavior becomes a means of protection for the child.
How does a woman’s relationship with her husband’s child affect her from a psychological point of view, what should she worry about and how can she help herself? The reason for anxiety is the increased attention on the part of the man to the child. This makes the new spouse think that if he loves him so much, he may still feel affection for his ex-wife. There is a feeling of anxiety and fear of the future.
In order for this fear not to cause irritation, you need to work with it. First of all, it is necessary to increase self-esteem and a sense of self-worth.
Your child will happily say goodbye to you in kindergarten
False expectation: parents leave their child in kindergarten and expect him to calmly let them go.
Reality: It is normal for children between eight and fourteen months to have difficulty separating from their parents. On the contrary, crying or hysterics from a child you leave at daycare or with a nanny can be a good sign and indicate a strong relationship with you. Children may also go through a “clingy” stage, but by age six they are usually comfortable leaving their parents.
What to do: Prepare your child for separation. Make him feel in control of his morning situation, or give him something to calm him down during the day, such as a family photo or a special blanket. Then become a “disappearance master.” Say goodbye to your child, kiss him, tell him you'll see him soon, and run away! Call the daycare center from work and ask how long your child has been upset.
What is the role of the father in raising a teenager?
It often happens that a father, when his son grows up, begins to compete with him. He devalues him, he criticizes him, makes comments, compares him with himself, and thus he closes the boy’s path into the world of men. Then the son has no one to identify with. When a son grows up, the father must be the one who will take him by the hand, who will lead him into the world of men, who will give him approval, who will bless him for adulthood, who will become his friend. And just like a mother, a father has no right to demand anything from his son. He has no right to demand that his son meet his expectations. Just love your children.
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Stop expecting from your parents
Adulthood is not when we live separately or earn money ourselves. And not even when we have a lot of different responsibilities, family, work. And when we stop expecting something from our parents and looking back at them. When we stop fighting them, proving something to them, changing them. When we are able to accept everything from them - criticism, reproaches, and admiration - and at the same time continue to live our lives. Accept them as they are, allow them to have their own opinions, without giving up on yourself. Yes, they can give advice, try to interfere, behave incorrectly and even rudely. But only we ourselves decide which of this to let into our hearts. And when we grow up, all this stops hurting.
It hurts us when what we receive is not what we expected. When we wait for approval, support - and don’t receive it. When we expect respect and recognition, but receive criticism. When we want to be proud of us, but they laugh at us or try to control us. If we don't expect anything, we don't get upset so much.
And yes, as soon as we grow up, our parents begin to treat us differently. Be more careful with our borders, and even begin to respect and accept our choices.
How to improve relations with your husband’s child from his first marriage?
No matter how the relationship develops, its quality will depend entirely on your actions and how calmly, wisely and judiciously you behave, how you react to the child’s behavior and his unpleasant antics. If you yourself don’t know how to improve relationships with your husband’s children, you need to seek advice from a family psychologist. His advice and recommendations will help you get through the difficult period of adaptation in relationships and family. If for some reason the baby is deprived of the care of his own mother, it is important to accept him as his own, and not make a difference between him and the common or his own children.
This video will also help you on how to communicate with teenagers:
The child’s impudent behavior can be justified by the fact that the father, entering into a new marriage, does not ask his opinion, but confronts him with a fact. Therefore, the reaction may be the most unexpected. The little man will try in every possible way to attract the attention of his dad, manipulate him, being capricious and organizing protests. This happens due to the fear of losing a father, his attention and love, thereby feeling unwanted.
An aggressive reaction on the part of the new wife will not save the situation. It is pointless to try to take revenge on a child and take it out on him. Flattery and pretense will not help either, but will only worsen the relationship. It is important to remain calm and balanced, to behave confidently, kindly and understandingly.
How to talk to your parents about the importance of personal boundaries
You can convey your point of view only through dialogue. Psychologist Liliya Valiakhmetova suggests taking into account the following nuances.
Understand why you need this conversation
Get alone and clearly formulate what you want to achieve from the conversation, what is important to you. Write it down on paper, you can make up questions or some suggestions in advance.
Choose the right time
All participants in the conversation should be in a calm emotional state, avoid fuss and tension. It is important that you have enough time to communicate and that you are not in a hurry.
Keep track of the conversation
During a conversation, avoid emotions. If you feel like you are boiling, it is better to stop communicating. When discussing something, talk about your feelings and attitude towards it: “When you do this, I feel like this.” In this case, you are more likely to be heard.
You cannot get personal, insult, or manipulate. Utmost honesty is important! Without it, you will lose the trust of your parents, and there will be no sense in the conversation.
Liliya Valiakhmetova, psychologist, coach and co-founder of the coach selection service ollo.one
Don't expect everything to get better overnight
The conversation may not end the way you want. It will be good if you can come to a solution that suits both parties. But even if you didn’t get the result, things can still work out for the best. By finishing the conversation and postponing it for later, you give your relatives the opportunity to think and analyze what was said. After some time, they themselves may return to it and, perhaps, approach the discussion from a different position.
How not to improve your relationship with your husband's child
Relationships with the husband's children from his first marriage are often problematic and difficult. They can deliberately behave rudely, blame you for everything, be rude, emphasizing your insignificance in every possible way. This is caused by resentment due to the fact that the father chose them over you. Often they are negatively disposed because of mom’s behavior at home and her statements about dad’s new wife. The worst thing is that the children themselves experience extreme stress.
What actions can a man take on his part? He gives gifts, devotes a lot of attention and time to the child so that he understands that even if dad left the family, he still loves him and is ready to help and support him in everything. It is better to try to talk frankly with the child and explain in a language he understands why this happened and what caused his decision to divorce his mother. If understanding does not arise immediately, then these conversations need to be repeated periodically. Sooner or later, the child will appreciate the efforts and desire to be friends.
A bad relationship with your husband’s child, a constant feeling of jealousy will spoil your nerves and destroy family relationships. It is better to try to quickly realize that the past life of the chosen one is exactly like this, and nothing can be changed. The child will always remain a part of her, just like his ex-wife. She will also appear periodically in your life. Whether it's good or bad, it's true.
Patience and wisdom will help prevent the family from collapsing in such a situation. Show them and support your husband in his desire to see the child. Even if your former wife is building all sorts of obstacles to this, trying to ruin your relationship. Don't be nervous, but calmly talk to your husband about it.
You should not make your child the cause of family disagreements; it would be more appropriate to stock up on patience and understanding. And a man, seeing you as an ally, will become more open and frank and will trust you. This will help you quickly establish contact with his child.
You should not strain your spouse with bans on meetings. It is quite possible that the ex-wife will do this, causing scenes and trying to ruin an already fragile relationship. You, on the contrary, become an example of endurance. Another significant and important point will be equal treatment, without advantages, to common children and the husband’s child from his first marriage. Efforts must be made to ensure that everyone feels the same amount of care and love. Therefore, it is necessary that a warm relationship be established between father and child.
The main reason why you cannot prevent ex-spouses from communicating is to care for the child. In order for him to grow up successful and healthy, he needs the care of two parents. This is a difficult task because they now live separately. Therefore, it is better to treat calls from your ex-wife and her requests for help calmly and loyally.
Don't be afraid of conflicts either
They will help you grow up. And in general, relationships with a teenager cannot be peaceful and conflict-free. We all have different wants and needs, so there will always be conflicts. Besides, they are the ones who will help you grow up. Also, if you learn to resolve conflicts with your parents, then in the future you will successfully resolve them with other people. So, don't avoid conflicts of interest, but learn to come up with compromises. You will have to start establishing mutual understanding with your mother and father. But you don’t need to make trouble over trifles, otherwise you won’t have enough strength to deal with a serious problem.
How to gain authority in the eyes of a child?
With the birth of a common child in a new family, there is a threat of disruption of the hierarchical order. The baby becomes the center of everyone's attention, the life of the family revolves around him, everyone cares only about him. In such a situation, the older child may feel unnecessary. And at this moment it is especially important to support him, to assure him that he is the first. He is just as beloved, but the first. This is necessary so that he constantly feels his importance.
Children react very sensitively to the mood and attitude of adults towards them. They accurately read emotions and easily distinguish between sincere interest and concern from pretense, hypocrisy and arrogance. This concerns the behavior of the stepmother. She can show with all her appearance how undesirable the presence of a child in a new family is.
When peace and harmony reign in the relationship between spouses, the child feels this and subconsciously reaches out to adults and values their company. It will not be easy for the stepmother to earn authority in his eyes, and it may take more than one year. But the more time passes, the stronger the child’s attachment and trust will be. His jealousy of his father’s new wife is understandable, because before he received all the love, but now he has to share it with a stranger.
Loss of hope, trust and joy
Those who grow up with an emotionally devastated parent live with a deep sense of loss and regret. Such “loss” while a parent is alive is a truly tragic experience. Looking into the eyes, hearing a voice and at the same time feeling that your mother or father is somewhere infinitely far away, realizing that you cannot come into contact with the person who gave you life... yes, this is tragic. And it leads to a person losing hope, trust and the ability to rejoice. And this can be followed by depression, suicidal intentions, self-harm, and drug use.
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Allow parents to be themselves
Because they to some extent mirror our own attitude towards ourselves. After all, I can afford not to listen to their criticism, lectures or opinions on this or that issue, I choose how much I allow to interfere in my life, I set the rules of behavior on my territory and with my children. If I realize that I have the right to all this, internally give myself permission to stop communication that makes me uncomfortable, refuse, have my own opinion and live the way I want - relationships change.
I know the fears and worries of many girls - what if our parents don’t like our choice - from our lifestyle, place of life, religion, nutrition, child-rearing strategy to the names of our grandchildren. I remember how difficult it was not to give up or be offended.
I remember how we decided to move to St. Petersburg, to nowhere. And the hardest thing was telling my mom about it. I had no doubt that it would be better for us there, but mom... She sat and cried, and I understand how hard it was for her then. And at first I felt guilty that we followed our hearts. Although my mother is still a young woman who has a job, friends, and much more. There was still a feeling that by living my life the way I felt, I was committing betrayal. But now everything is different.
Relationships with parents influence our entire lives. Therefore, you should pay attention to them and do everything possible to improve them. Five tips from a practicing psychologist will help you with this.
While you were little, the world was simple and understandable. Parents set the rules, you obeyed or rebelled. In any case, this happened in a coordinate system created for you.
Then you grew up, and the old scheme of relationships with your parents stopped working. How to build a new one is unknown. Five tips will help you build a healthy relationship with your parents so that everyone is happy.
1. Leave the past in the past
Don't let old conflicts ruin your present relationships. The past no longer exists, the future does not yet exist. Only here and now. It is important to forgive your parents for everything that prevented you from living in those years. Yes, there were conflicts, but now you are all different people, with different life experiences and a new value system. Start your relationship with a clean slate.
Do a simple exercise: focus on your early childhood memories and count how old your parents were then. As a child, a child considers mom and dad to be gods, but these are tired and frightened young people of 20–30 years old. How old are you now? Perhaps they were dumber and younger than you are in the present. But they managed it. They raised and trained you, gave you a start in life. Is it worth filing claims for individual mistakes and old disagreements? No.
If you have strong nerves, try a thought experiment. Remember some of your dysfunctional classmates and classmates. Imagine being born into their family. Early pregnancy, alcoholism, drug problems. Compare this with your real childhood. Still want to blame those young parents for their “unhappy” childhood?
2. Live your life
In childhood, a child is not an independent person, but an extension of his parents. Sometimes this carries over into adulthood, when an aged mother or father tries to control the child as if he were still five years old.
It also happens that a 40-year-old child begs for his mother’s approval for any reason. These relationships cannot be called healthy - there are no happy families in such families. For parents, children are not obedient enough; children feel that they are not loved enough. Life passes in mutual grievances and endless billing.
To build a harmonious relationship with your parents, separate from them. Move out of your apartment, stop taking money as soon as possible and understand what independence means. This will give you the understanding that you are an independent person and are responsible for your own life.
Stop expecting your parents to solve your problems and control your life. Don't try to solve all your parents' problems just to pay them off. Live your life for yourself.
Relationships with parents: independent living
When you understand, accept and stop mentally blaming your parents, the problems in your relationship will immediately disappear.
3. You and your parents are only part of your family.
Some of my clients have tried to abandon their roots due to conflicts with their parents. They considered their parents bad or wrong and for a long time tried to start living from scratch. But this is a rather costly tactic that only absorbs energy and weakens you. All these people were trying to run away not from their family, but from themselves. With a known result.
Don't give up on your roots. Find out as much as you can about your ancestors.
A lot of internal energy comes from the realization that behind you are thousands of generations who were born, lived and died for you to live here and now. Relationships with mom and dad will immediately become easier. Firstly, it will become clear that family relationships are not limited to the mother-daughter pair. You are only a small part of the family. Secondly, you will realize that your problems are quite typical.
Count how many ancestors you have over the last thousand years. Approximately possible. The result will be a huge number. Do you think they were all good? Hardly. Everyone in their family has not only saints, but also sinners, drunkards, madmen, murderers. So does this somehow affect you personally? Do you want to rob someone, paying tribute to the memory of your great-great-great-grandfather, a convict? Of course not. You don't have to be responsible for the entire family. Everyone has the same set of ancestors, with an equal amount of everything, good and bad. You and your parents are a pair of circles on the trunk of an ancient tree.
Do another exercise: draw a family tree. Until the great-great-grandfathers with all the branches will be enough. Look for photos, write down interesting stories. This way you will better understand your place in the Universe and worry less about the thermometer that was broken in childhood. It will also prepare you for the next step.
4. Accept your parents within you.
Many of my clients did not find a common language with their parents because they opposed themselves to them. There is some trait, for example, increased nervousness or stinginess, that parents do not like, and the person distances himself from his parents. “I don’t want to be like dad, so I won’t communicate with him and in general I’ll do the opposite” - that’s the level of logic. This does not work.
You will always be your parents' child. You have inherited their traits and inclinations. Admit it, and don't break yourself and your relationship.
Accept yourself for who you are. And only then consciously change. Not because “I don’t want to be like my mother,” but consciously. You will always be like your mother, but at the same time your life will be the one you make for yourself.
Have you caught yourself thinking like this? Then do the exercise “Mom, I’m just like you.” Write down all the features of your mother: appearance, habits, character, hobbies. The good and the bad. Create up to hundreds of parameters. A separate list for mom, a separate list for dad. Then note what you have in common and with whom. The nose is similar, food preferences, reaction to stress - write everything down. As a result, you will understand that it is impossible to fight family resemblance - this is the construction kit from which mom and dad assembled you.
At the same time, you have a broader horizon, you took good things from both parents and live in a different time. If you stop fighting and competing with your parents and take care of yourself, you will achieve what your parents could not achieve. And your relationship will become calm and balanced, because you have nothing more to share.
5. Take parents off their pedestal.
We constantly form ideal ideas about loved ones in our heads. Ideal mom, ideal dad. Small children want their mother to talk only to them and not be distracted by anyone else. Adult children run to mom and dad for approval. Moms and dads demand that their child have a “decent” job “like everyone else,” which corresponds to their picture of the world.
Relationships with parents: pride
Go back to the first exercise, but on a deeper level. Again, put yourself in your parents' shoes. You are in your early twenties, but already have a child, because these were the social norms in those years. You don’t know or know anything yet, you just graduated from college. Are you sure you will become the ideal mom and dad?
And your parents did it. You grew up, received an education, socialized, use the Internet - behind all this there is a huge contribution of, if not ideal, but humanly understandable young men and women.
Ideal ideas are terribly far from what people really are. Parents have their own interests and goals, often not related to the child at all. Children have their own dreams, and they are clearly not happy with the career or marriage match invented for them.
There is no need to fall into cognitive dissonance, quarrel and make claims. Parents' failure to meet the fictitious ideal is 100% your problem. Love your parents for who they are. Take them off their imaginary pedestal.
What then
When you change your inner attitude towards your parents, you will see that your parents begin to treat you differently. As soon as you stop directing unspoken complaints at them, your parents will stop unconsciously reacting to your dissatisfaction and bombarding you with retaliatory complaints.
Don’t rush to forward this article to them, work on the exercises yourself first. And your relationship will improve.
PS You can watch the first lesson of Olga Yurkovskaya’s course “According to your rules” completely free of charge. New relationship with mom and dad"
Olga Yurkovskaya on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/olgayurkovskaya
From the editor
No matter how happy your childhood is, you still have to part with it. After all, without separation from parents there can be no personal happiness and development. Unfortunately, this process is not as simple as it seems, and for some it never happens. What is the reason? The answer is given by psychologist Ella Chirkova :
Do you want to find a common language with your parents, improve relationships with other relatives, and feel confident when communicating with others? We recommend that you study the advice of Vanessa van Edwards, author of the book “The Science of Communication. How to read emotions, understand intentions and find common ground with people ,” which you can read in our review:
