Adult daughter: how to communicate with a teenager | Child's health

This article will talk about how to find a common language with a teenager, how to properly resolve conflicts that arise between teenagers and their parents.

In any family, the basis of mutual understanding is the desire of each family member to respect and listen to all other members. The upbringing of a teenager depends on the family relationships of the parents, because often the mother and father, having problems among themselves, begin to transfer them to the child. As a result, the child from a full-fledged personality becomes the subject of compensation for unsuccessful relationships with her husband/wife. That is why it is important to learn to treat each other with patience, understanding and to protect the teenager as much as possible from the personal conflicts of the parents.

How to get a teenager to do homework?

In order to understand how to get a teenager to do his homework, you need to find out in detail his interests, and then clearly explain how good studies at school can be beneficial and useful for him. Only real facts that coincide with the teenager’s life goals are relevant here, because he will immediately and completely reject the rules and dogmas “because it’s necessary.” After a detailed dialogue, give your child time to comprehend your arguments and make a decision.

Often, a negative attitude towards school and everything connected with it is caused by problematic relationships with peers, teachers, etc. Parents need to find out the cause of the child’s difficulties. And help him overcome the problem. If your teenager is systematically bullied by other children, don't expect the problem to go away on its own. Most often, only adults can solve it. The article If a child is bullied at school, in kindergarten, on the street: advice from a psychologist and lawyer will help them with this.

Give freedom

In order to form a conscious attitude towards life in a child, you will have to give him a certain freedom. Because it’s definitely better to go through some things at the age of 15, so that they don’t catch up with you at 20. The fact remains: children who were protected, who were rushed around, who they tried their best to “not miss”, when faced with real life, simply do not know how to manage it, they don’t know how to live with their own minds, and as adults, they are always looking for some kind of support.

And it often turns out that children from families where everything was prohibited, for example, smoking and drinking, only try it after entering college. And this is already infantilism, and it looks stupid and ridiculous. By this time, peers had already tried everything, matured and had partially outgrown some of the temptations.

But the “children” who lived according to a strict schedule, who were controlled all the time, who were not trusted, in a word, organized children, finding themselves in a non-standard situation, do not know how to behave. They are not used to it and do not know how to make decisions. They do not know how and are not used to resisting temptations and refusing. But they really want to be accepted into the company, they dream that their peers consider them one of their own. This is also how they become drug addicts.

So there is no point in controlling! Total control and distrust only teaches the child to lie. There is only one way out - give freedom today! So that the child experiences all certain situations and learns to behave in them. Trust and confidence that your child will figure out on his own what is good and what is bad - this is the key to your peace of mind! And not every minute attempts to determine his location and well-being.

Well, please, even in the most difficult moments of aggravated relationships with your growing son or daughter, do not forget: this is still him, that same baby with angelic eyes, and he still has no other parents.

Responsibilities of a teenager in the family

To ensure that a teenager’s responsibilities in the family do not become a source of many conflicts, you must adhere to the following rules:

Agree with your child that he will be fully responsible for the cleanliness and order in his own room. He monitors the cleanliness himself, decides when and how to do the cleaning, and carries it out himself. When making an agreement with your teenager, do not forget to outline the scope of these “when” and “how”.
Try to do the cleaning together (everyone cleans “their own” territory).
Try not to order; friendly interaction is much more effective.
Don't be shy to ask for help. Make him feel like he is helping you as an adult would.
When necessary, gently but firmly remind your child of his responsibilities. Sometimes a teenager simply forgets about promises.
Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, cooking together will be complemented by friendly conversations.

By adolescence, a child shows a tendency to maintain cleanliness that was instilled in him since childhood, so it will not be possible to change the situation dramatically. This requires patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with your child, then gradually he will meet you halfway.

Speaking of boys

Communication with the opposite sex is what interests a teenage girl no less, if not more, than her appearance. Here you should behave with extreme caution so that your daughter can trust you completely. Don't forbid her to contact guys - you won't achieve anything by doing this. On the contrary, try to get to know them better, ask the girl about her friends, their hobbies and families. Let her know that she can invite boys home if she wants - this will help you keep the situation under control. Don't criticize her friends, don't make fun of them. You can give advice on “how to behave with men,” but it should be unobtrusive and discreet. In conversations with your daughter, be sure to touch on the intimate aspect: tell her about the need for protection, list the possible consequences of early sexual intercourse: pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, loss of reputation. Yes, yes, the latter is no less relevant now than in some 18th century: it is very important for teenagers how others treat them. The main thing is not to make the topic of sex taboo and not make it a “forbidden fruit.” Let the girl know that she can consult with you at any time, share her doubts and fears.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to become familiar with the vices of adult life: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help your child develop a negative attitude towards bad habits, you need to:

Show the same with your example. Parents themselves must lead a healthy lifestyle.
Starting from a young age, from time to time start a conversation with your child on the topic of bad habits. Let your conversations take place casually and be educational in nature (avoid lectures). You can share with your child a find in the form of a photo from the Internet, which depicts the terrible consequences of using harmful substances (just choose the photos wisely, there is no need to cripple the child’s psyche). You can find a suitable cartoon or slide that matches the child's age. From time to time you can give bad examples like “that guy smelled so bad, it was impossible to sit next to him on the bus.” Over time, the child will understand that the same smoker is not a cool dude, but a person with a serious flaw. And smoking is not just a habit, but an opportunity to get very sick and die. Let your child by adolescence have his or her own knowledge about the serious dangers of drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. Such a barrier is much more reliable than simply “you can’t.”
Exercising, good nutrition and regular trips to nature reduce the craving for smoking various substances, as they rebuild the proper functioning of the body.

How to survive adolescence with a difficult teenager: advice from a psychologist

PERIOD OF STORM AND DRUG

— Tatyana Romanovna, what changes happen to a child during adolescence?

— Adolescence is a difficult time for both children and their parents. The mood and behavior of a teenager often changes; he is sometimes excited, sometimes apathetic, sometimes open, sometimes closed. A teenager is trying to get used to the turbulent world of relationships outside the family. He needs to feel that his parents support him. If there is no acceptance and a sense of security, then the result can be aggression directed towards oneself or outward.

Adolescence is often called adolescence, transition, the period of “sturm and stress”, “hormonal explosion” and puberty (from the Latin Pubertas - puberty). Difficult times. There is a transition from a child to an adult in all spheres: physical, physiological, personal (moral, mental, social).

— Can parents notice that something wrong is happening to their child?

- At this age, children rarely open up to their parents. So even if something happens to a child, adults see the now familiar picture: their son or daughter is in a bad mood, locks himself in his room, and when asked, answers: “Everything is fine, leave me alone.” It is important not to miss the moment if a teenager turns from an ordinary adult into a “difficult” one.

During the period of personality formation, a radical change in behavior, previous interests, and relationships occurs. Changes are fast, violent, spasmodic. This causes strong feelings that the teenager cannot explain. Much is unclear in the adult world. How to fit into it? Leo Tolstoy described these tossing as “the deserts of adolescence”; their essence is in enormous energy, rushing out to declare itself.

APPLE FROM APPLE TREE?

— Many parents worry: “We raised the child wrong if now he behaves this way!” We are bad parents! How should they be?

— For a child, parents are the most important and important people. The personal example of mom and dad influences children more than anything else. Lacking his own experience and knowledge, the child copies adults. The child sees how attentively and respectfully parents treat each other and how they solve problems.

Remember yourself in adolescence, and it will be easier to understand your son or daughter. Joint work, leisure, and hobbies with parents help the child develop responsibility, independence, and attentiveness. Adults must show the teenager that his opinion matters, that he is taken into account.

The teenager's relationship with his parents is being restructured. Teenagers often criticize their parents' lifestyle, their attitudes, and values. It becomes more and more difficult to communicate with the child, conflicts arise. A teenager is guided by adults who are authoritative for him, but his ideal is not always his father or mother.

— How to react correctly if parents catch a child with a cigarette or find out that he is using drugs?

— The first rule: behave with dignity. Despite everything. You are an adult and have no right to panic and hysteria. There is no need to scream, demonstratively drink Valocordin and grab your belt. First, understand the situation. Sometimes there are cases when a child is forced by his peers to use psychoactive substances (PAS) - perhaps he was threatened or beaten.

It is very important to maintain trust. If you are hysterical, the child will simply withdraw into himself and push you away. Find strength within yourself and try to become an ally, not an enemy.

Next: stop blaming yourself for everything. Your child is already quite an adult and the use of prohibited substances is his choice and responsibility. Out of his own stupidity and arrogance, he began to use surfactants, knowing about the harm.

Limit financial support. The child must understand that your money is not his money. Never give in to blackmail or manipulation from a child. Don't be boring. Endless conversations, accusations, and moralizing conversations are absolutely useless and can only give the opposite effect. Any, even negative, talk about drugs evokes memories of them.

Don't overuse threats. If you promise something, do it. Don't make unnecessary threats. The child is well aware that you will not carry out many of your threats and lets them fall on deaf ears.

Allow your child to stop using substances on their own. And if he makes up his mind, support him and find a qualified specialist.

— How can parents cope with adolescence?

— Some important tips that can really help:

Don't spoil your child.
Don't be afraid to be firm.
Be consistent.
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Don't give in to provocations.
Don't be offended when your child says he hates you.
Don't make your child feel younger than he really is.
Do not correct your child in the presence of strangers.
Don't read the notations.
Don't try to pretend to be ideal parents, be yourself and try to become better.
The most important thing is to love your child, no matter what. Be a true friend to him.

“A LOT DEPENDS ON THE ATTITUDES IN THE FAMILY”

— How do you assess the harm to teenagers from negativity in the media, social networks, films, and aggressive computer games?

— To draw a direct connection between any cultural phenomenon and a child’s behavior means greatly simplifying the matter. A child is influenced by many factors: family, school, friends and parents, random conversations around him, his observations. Different people react to the same TV program in completely different ways. Much depends on what values he learned in early childhood - first of all, from his parents.

— Should we be wary of destructive teenage groups on social networks?

— Modern children live on the Internet. The format of virtual communication is more familiar to many than face-to-face conversation. The problem of destructive groups on social networks is very real. Such communities are popular because teenagers look to them to satisfy their interests. Anything that smells of mystery and threat attracts teenagers. Often children hang out in these groups due to lack of attention from their parents.

Many mothers and fathers think that they work, provide for their family, and that devoting time to their child is not necessary. As a result, children are looking for ways to have fun online.

Parents need to monitor what their children are looking for on the Internet and what online communities they visit. But the main thing is to spend more time with the child, organize interesting leisure time together. Try to understand him, be able to listen, and be sincerely interested in his life.

— How can parents cope with adolescence? How can psychologists help here?

— The teenage period can be called the second birth of the personality, when a tendency toward independence, introspection, a desire for communication, and self-education appears.
These are positive characteristics of overcoming the teenage crisis. Social rehabilitation psychologists provide psychological, preventive, career guidance and correctional assistance to adolescents. We provide advice on how to improve relationships with your family. This is a lot of work to develop tolerance, find common ground, mutual understanding with parents, get rid of excessive guardianship or, conversely, connivance, inflated demands and expectations. For reference, the State Budgetary Institution SRC “Vozrozhdenie” is the only institution in Moscow that specializes in rehabilitation and preventive care for minors and their families who find themselves in difficult life situations due to the use of narcotic drugs or psychotropic substances without a doctor’s prescription, or who use intoxicants or alcohol. In addition, since 2018, the Center’s psychologists have been working with minors who have had a conflict with the law.

How to communicate with a teenager correctly?

Several recommendations on how to communicate with a teenager correctly will help you avoid quarrels:

Respect his emerging personality.
Maintain the correct family hierarchy (father, mother, children), but do not belittle the teenager. Show that you feel responsible for him, guide him, but try to build a relationship of trust.
Respect the child's personal emotional space, as well as his personal space.
Don’t give lectures, build communication in the form of dialogues. Create dialogues in the form of “question-answer”. They will guide the teenager’s thinking towards the right conclusions.

The path from pure child to teenager

Each stage of a child’s growing up has interesting features. Often parents are frightened by this prospect of the unknown; they are simply shocked by the teenager’s behavior. In some cases, they are lost and do not know what actions to take. Therefore, they need to know what changes occur in a teenager’s body at the age of 12-13. It is also necessary to clearly understand how the psychology of a growing child at 13 and 16 years old differs. The thing is that many parents do not see their child as an adult boy or girl, regardless of their “respectable” age.

Adolescence - signs

To avoid such problems with assessing children, you need to understand that a person who has reached the age of 12 has moved into the category of a teenager.

Starting from this period, parents need to begin to take their child more seriously, taking into account all the features that characterize the psychology of this transitional age.

What to do with a difficult teenager?

Before you do anything with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse’s) attitude towards him, to the psychological environment in which the child grows up. Difficult teenagers often become unloved children. None of the parents are immune from this misfortune, even those who endlessly love their rebellious offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and develop correctly when you feel like you are not needed by anyone, when there are quarrels and discord between parents at home, when there are problems with peers or teachers at school. Unloved children do not have favorable soil for growth and development.

This is how others (and first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from an incorrect attitude towards him, but also turns out to be guilty of all sins (those around him usually blame him for the “difficulties” and “wrongness”).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, need to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the self-explanatory name “disliked children”, then it will be clear what needs to be changed in the relationship with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds him. When you start working on mistakes, don’t count on quick results. You will have to re-gain the trust the teenager has lost and treat him with your love.

Even if you eliminate only intra-family problems and provide the child with love, understanding, respect and decent advice, the situation in the family will slowly but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts where the child has so far fought alone (help him improve relationships with others, put things in order in his studies, etc.).

To guide a teenager in the right direction, a certain combination of actions is required:

Qualitative example of parents.
At the same time, a kind attitude and strict discipline on the part of the father.
Patience and love of a mother.

To be fair, it should be said that a teenager can become difficult due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents also should not despair, they should try to correct the situation as much as possible.

General Tips

Do you know who teenagers listen to and whose opinion is really important to them? Friends' opinion. So take advantage of the fact that your world has been built for a long time, and your child’s world is only in the process of formation. Give your daughter support, become her friend. Be interested in her music, hobbies, passions, but without fanaticism. Don’t judge for this or that choice; you probably know from your own experience that judgment is repulsive. Continue to advise, point out mistakes - only using humor, lightness, and demonstrating love.

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New class. Why is it difficult for children to transfer to another school?

Don't be upset every time your daughter refuses to communicate. And don’t show her the extent of your grief. When we try to play on guilt, we most often lose.

Read psychological literature about the characteristics of adolescence - the more we understand, the less we fear.

And don’t despair, the turbulent stage of growing up will end, and your relationship will definitely improve. Be patient.

How to improve relationships?

You need to make your child feel that he is loved unconditionally. Neither grades, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are their child’s most devoted friends and protectors. They will fight to the last, will protect their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for the offense, but they will do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of troubles.

We must strive to create a trusting relationship between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which are also often unpleasant for both parties. You need to communicate on a friendly wave as often as possible, strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with your child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes have a heart-to-heart talk. Thanks to friendly communication, the teenager will begin to value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are very often perceived extremely negatively by teenagers).

Relationship models

Article on the topic

Psychologist: “A child is an immature person, he should not be limited, but taught.” In addition, the girl’s perception of her mother’s words is greatly influenced by the model of relationships chosen by her mother. So, if an authoritarian style of management has developed in the family (“as mother said, so it will be”), then all the previously suppressed emotions in the girl will find a way out - in aggressive behavior, total disobedience and the desire to do everything in defiance.

If a mother chose the strategy “my daughter is an adult and knows everything herself” when her daughter was still a baby, then now, in adolescence, the girl will begin to follow this rule with all her might. And proving to her “who is boss in the house” will be oh so difficult.

Mothers who are too attached to their daughters will probably suffer the most, because the desire to walk hand in hand with your daughter all her life is destructive for both.

The most optimal way of interaction before and during adolescence is a trusting relationship in which the daughter is not afraid to tell her secrets to her mother, is not afraid of punishment and knows that she can find support from her mother.

Can a teenage girl wear makeup? Pros and cons

How to improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?

The relationship with a teenage daughter needs to be improved, first of all, by the mother. The ideal mother is a mother-friend. People turn to her for advice, seek her support, trust her with secrets, and make important decisions with her.

The task of a loving mother is to prepare her daughter for an independent life as best as possible. It is necessary to teach a teenager how to manage a household, because in adult life, incompetent girls face a lot of problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, those around them usually do not skimp on caustic remarks and readily label the young woman as a slob or a bad housewife, which hurts her self-esteem. The inexperience of the housewife, as well as her reluctance to perform traditionally feminine duties, often become the cause of conflicts in a young family.

Mom’s task is to properly orient her daughter, explain to her how life works, and teach the girl everything she needs. The father must provide his daughter with a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, and serve as an example that the girl will follow when choosing a life partner. Parents, using the example of their family, should show the girl the correct model of relationships in the “unit of society.”

Psychological teenage problems in girls

Growing up for girls is accompanied by a lot of problems and experiences. One of the most common problems of teenage girls is dissatisfaction with their appearance. Indeed, at the beginning of puberty, not the most pleasant things happen to a girl: acne appears on the face and body, excess weight, clumsiness.

When a girl notices such changes in herself, she is likely to develop complexes that will prevent her from communicating normally with peers and developing as a person. Therefore, when a girl grows up, she needs the support and wise advice of her parents more than ever.

It happens that in adolescence a girl suddenly decides that she is “fat,” even if this is not the case at all, and begins to exhaust herself with diets and starvation. It is important for parents not to lose sight of this behavior of their daughter, since various incorrectly selected diets and refusal to eat at this age can lead to serious health problems, in particular to anorexia.

If parents notice that the child has begun to limit himself to certain foods or food in general, the reason for this behavior should be found out. If it turns out that the reason is not health problems, but a desire to lose weight, it is worth explaining to a teenage girl that physical exercise is much more suitable for developing a beautiful figure than fasting. In addition, you can create a proper, balanced diet for a teenager, which will have a positive effect not only on the figure, but also on the general condition of the body.

During adolescence, teenagers try to take on the role of adults. They become more independent and expect that they will now have more rights - like adults. However, the understanding that the more rights, the more responsibility does not come immediately. Because of this, teenagers often have conflicts with their parents, and with adults in general. Parents should give their growing child more freedom in making decisions, but the child must bear responsibility for his choice. This is the only way a teenager can prepare for a difficult life in the adult world.

Another very common problem of adolescence is youthful maximalism. Teenagers tend to see the world around them in black and white: everything is either good or bad, there can be no other options. That is why in adolescence, many boldly experiment with their appearance, sometimes changing dramatically; some belong to youth subcultures; someone suffers from depression.

Youthful maximalism is associated with the desire of adolescents to find their place in this world, to declare themselves as individuals. During this period, parents should not be hostile to their child’s desire to stand out from the crowd if this does not in any way threaten the child’s health. It is also worth explaining that not everything in this life is clear: in every event you can find both bad and good.