Depression after the death of a loved one: how to cope

Stages of Grief

Psychologists identify seven stages that allow you to come to terms with and understand what happened.

The first stage is called denial. The individual does not believe what happened and does not understand how to continue to live. He may begin to behave inappropriately. It is important that there are people nearby who could bring the grieving person out of his state, distract him, and make him think about others who are also experiencing the death of a loved one. There is no need to try to console him, he is now unable to accept your help. At this stage, the person is able to hear the voice of the deceased person, see him in the crowd, but this is all a reaction to what happened, and not a deviation in the psyche.
The second stage is the manifestation of anger. The person believes that what happened was unfair, does not understand why it happened to him, to his family, begins to show his anger towards people who are alive and well, calmly walking down the street, sitting on a bench, communicating, does not understand, why are they alive when his relative is no longer there?
The third stage is a feeling of guilt. A person begins to blame himself for not being attentive enough, behaving incorrectly, or spending little time. For some, this feeling persists throughout their lives.
The fourth stage is a state of depression. The individual no longer has the strength to hide his condition, his emotions. One feels completely exhausted and the person becomes unhappy.
The fifth stage is acceptance. The person finally realizes what exactly happened, the pain becomes less, and the depression slowly goes away. The realization comes that you can now let go of the situation and move on with your life.
The sixth stage is the period of revival. After the death of a loved one, an understanding comes that one needs to live on, accept new conditions, but at the same time the individual withdraws into himself and communicates little with other people. One gets the impression that he is constantly analyzing something. This period can even last up to two years or more.
The seventh stage describes the beginning of a new life. This is a period when the stages of grief are experienced, life is at a new level. Some individuals at this stage are trying to find new friends, change the environment, someone changes their place of residence, work, does everything to ensure that nothing reminds them of the past. For example, the realization may come that the death of her mother was a deliverance for her if the woman had been ill and suffered for a long time before this.

The problem is that not all people are able to go through the seven stages; sometimes they get stuck at the fourth stage, locked in their tragedy. In this situation, you need to contact a psychotherapist. A specialist will help you cope with the current situation and teach you how to overcome depression. A psychotherapist will help you overcome all stages of grief, maintain a healthy psyche, and prevent complications from developing.

The death of a father or mother literally deprives you of support; this is especially difficult for those people for whom family is the most valuable thing in life. For a person, a connection with his mother is the basis for a feeling of inner comfort.

Causes of fear

very rare disease.

It also happens that the root of the worries is not concern for the lives of relatives, but the fear of being left alone. A child is a defenseless and helpless creature, so his need for the presence of loved ones is heightened. Even if a child does not understand his vulnerability, he feels it intuitively. This is the innate instinct of self-preservation. When asking questions about death, the child wants to hear in response confirmation that he will not be left alone and will be safe.

Adviсe

It is important to enlist the support of loved ones to survive this grief

After the death of a husband or someone close, it is important to remain among people; it is unacceptable to be alone with your loneliness. Don't interfere, don't resist her.
Be sad with them, remember how good the deceased was, but there is no need to grieve for him, realize that now he is better than he was on earth.
If it’s very difficult, cry, pour out your soul.
Try to throw yourself into your work so that all your thoughts are occupied.
It is unacceptable to abuse sedatives or try to drown your grief in alcohol.
Try to get rid of things that may remind you of the deceased; you can simply put them in a far corner or distribute them to those in need.
Try to pour out all your suffering on a piece of paper, re-read and analyze them, do not allow the development of feelings of guilt, you are not to blame for anything.
If you feel that you didn’t have time to say something, to thank, write a letter on a piece of paper, pour out everything that has accumulated in your soul, everything that you wanted and did not have time to say to your loved one. After writing, you can burn it.
Try to switch to some activity, remember what you have been interested in for a long time, perhaps there is some hobby that you have already forgotten about. Try switching to it.
If you are plagued by frequent panic attacks or severe pain, then you need to learn breathing exercises to calm down or practice meditation.
Try to gather all your will into a fist, lead your usual lifestyle, perform everyday tasks, go to work. Surely, the deceased person still has unfinished business, try to finish them.

Now you know the answer to the question of how to cope with depression after the loss of a loved one. Each of us faces such losses, some earlier, some later, the main thing is to be able to survive this state, to find the strength to live on. You need to realize that time really heals and sooner or later the understanding will come that the person is now in a better place, and you need to move on with your life. Understand that living in the past will not help your development, you will simply withdraw and bury yourself alive. Is this what the person about whom you are now suffering so much wanted?

Psychologist's advice

According to psychologists, mental recovery, when memories cease to be sharply painful, occurs after 9 months. Until that time, you must not remain alone. Be surrounded by family and people close to you with whom you can remember and be sad. It’s not for nothing that they say that grief shared is grief halved. Take care of the funeral, wake, registration of housing, inheritance - this will distract you. If it’s very difficult, don’t forbid yourself to cry, grieve, tears cleanse. Change your environment, go on vacation or, conversely, immerse yourself in work. Do not resort to alcohol or sedatives - mental recovery will be disrupted.

Remove your mother's things from your sight so as not to upset yourself, visit the grave, don't restrain yourself if you can't bear it. Do not be shy about your grief and its manifestations; in such a state a person is helpless and resembles a child. People need to be listened to, let them talk, tell them about their pain. A diary helps many in these cases; write down all your experiences in it, re-read and analyze what you have written. Don't cultivate feelings of guilt.

Another way is to write a letter to your mother; she will take over all the unfinished letters; you need this, not her. It won’t be funny that there is nowhere to send it, then you can just burn it.

There is another method: using two cans. Make a lot of colorful pieces of paper, and when you remember something good about a departed person, write literally 2 words on a piece of paper, roll it into a ball and throw it into a “good” jar. It’s the same with the “bad” one - a jar of grievances. When your “good” jar is full is up to you. Put it in a place where you can see it, and all the good things will now be before your eyes. And with a “bad” jar, the day will come when grievances will not be remembered, then burn the balls in it, and you will be free.

Find a new hobby, do general housework, don't do anything that reminds you of the loss. Force yourself to move, communicate, go out into nature, take part in pleasant activities. Master the technique of deep breathing, relaxation, do meditation, start doing gymnastics in the morning, walk, sleep 7-9 hours a day. This will help you cope with the pain of the death of loved ones and move on. Don't let grief turn into depression.

Memories soften the blow. Change your thinking, because any problem can be reformulated with a plus sign. Mom died of cancer - she was freed from pain, received peace, and no longer suffers. No one can radically change their life after a loss, but it is possible to gradually recover and recover. Living in the present takes effort; asking for help is natural. If they turn to you, take the time to listen to the person in grief and support him. Be patient with yourself and others, experiences last longer than people imagine.

Think about your usual daily routine, go shopping, start doing chores around the house. Do not set difficult tasks for yourself; put off completing them until better times. There is a small child inside every person, and you must definitely talk to him, like an adult with a child, and convince him that you are not to blame for the death of your mother. And no one is to blame. Convince him until a feeling of relief comes, until the feeling of guilt recedes, until the mind and soul calm down.

Anyone who has left always has unfinished business, take care of them, settle everything - this will also give you strength. Don’t close yourself within 4 walls, you need to go out to people. Grief and renunciation of reality are not a way out, not an indicator of the power of love, but a manifestation of selfishness. Let you be interested in the life of those living nearby.

How to proceed?

You cannot ignore your child’s fears and answer his questions dismissively. If your baby starts talking about his experience, you should put everything aside and talk to him calmly. By voicing anxious thoughts, children gradually get rid of fear, so the child needs to speak out. The parent should let the baby know that he is safe, and as long as he needs it, mom and dad will be there.

A good method is to replace negative emotions with positive ones . Involve yourself in interesting activities and hobbies. You can spend more time in a close family circle. This way the child will develop a sense of family integrity, stability and security.

If your baby is too anxious, you need to invite him to draw his fear. After the drawing is ready, it must either be securely hidden or physically destroyed. This will become a symbol of victory over all experiences. A parent should remember that a preschool child should not take part in anyone's funeral. Observing the burial process and ritual actions very often becomes the cause of the development of various phobias, including the obsessive fear of death.

Stages of Loss and Grief

About 50 years ago, psychiatrist Kübler-Ross spoke about the stages of grief due to the loss of a loved one, which almost all people who lose loved ones go through. They look like this:

denial of the death of a loved one;
anger;
bargain;
depression;
acceptance of what happened.

Each of these stages will be accompanied by characteristic emotions. At the same time, not everyone experiences them; some are able to accept the death of their loved ones without blaming themselves for it and without trying to isolate themselves from the outside world.

Depression after the death of a loved one can last a long time and then become chronic, but it can go away relatively quickly. And what is important here is how the person himself is configured and what his character is.

Some people need to be alone for a while, others need to communicate more.

Dependence on a deceased person

If a person who has lost someone close was dependent on him, then death leads to the question: “How can I continue to live?” The problem here is not only that a loved one has passed away, but also a feeling of inability to adapt to future life. Before you get rid of depression, you first need to understand which of these types of addictions work specifically in your case.

Material dependence. For example, if depression occurs after the death of the husband, who was the breadwinner of the family. The problem can be solved simply - you need to learn how to make money. Of course, she will not resurrect a dead man, but the emotional burden will be significantly reduced.
Intellectual addiction. This is when the deceased was a bearer of some knowledge, acted as a teacher, and was in authority with loved ones. And when he dies, a person feels incapable of making decisions. The problem can be solved simply by replenishing intellectual capital. Read books, think, learn to make decisions on your own. It is worth remembering that any crisis situation is associated primarily with opportunities, which can only be taken advantage of through training. The saying “study, study and study again” works at all times, in all centuries.
Emotional dependence. This is when a person can only receive a feeling of satisfaction with life, happiness, and joy from other people. And when death comes to someone who evoked positive emotions, his dependent relative or friend loses his only source of joy. Naturally, hence the depression. The problem is solved by developing emotional intelligence, training skills to manage one’s own emotions, and self-motivation.

All ways to solve this problem are aimed at one thing - gaining independence. First, you need to seriously ask this question and actively try to find an answer to it. We, of course, will provide tips on gaining personal independence, but do not forget that each person is individual and so is his situation. You need to develop your own style of achieving goals that is convenient for you. But here are some recommendations:

Think often about how to achieve your desired goal. Try to look at yourself objectively from the outside. To be self-sufficient, you need to be your own educator.
Train your willpower. This is the main quality that characterizes a person as self-sufficient and independent. It is this that will help you implement the conclusions that you drew from the situation into life.
Constantly learn. A self-sufficient person is one who can do more than his immediate environment. And to expand the scope of your capabilities, you need to constantly learn something new.