Causes of aggression
It is impossible to unequivocally answer the question of where children’s anger towards their parents comes from. This whole section of psychology should be cited as an example. But if we talk specifically about daughters’ anger towards their mothers, then we can give several main reasons that will tell you how to identify the problem and what to do.
- Excessive demands from mom.
- Lack of attention in childhood.
- Different views on life.
- Too intrusive care from the mother.
- Innate anger in a child.
My kids hate each other!
Photo: Valentin DRUZHININ
The older children are the same age - they are 17 years old. My husband and I are turning 36 this spring. When I became pregnant, my son was happy, but my stepdaughter cried and ran to her room. The husband tried to talk to her, she was in tears.
That’s why we got along great with her, chatted about everything, I didn’t distinguish her from my son in any way, I treated her like my own. And after this it became so offensive. Gradually everything got better, we communicated until the end of pregnancy almost as before, but only almost - somehow more constrained. When the baby was born, my husband and daughter talked every day, she insisted that now she was in the background...
Now, when the child cries, she starts a scandal, shouting that she is not getting enough sleep.
Her husband explained to her that she could live with her mother. She's in tears. And she became even more withdrawn. He only talks to his father. My husband asked me to communicate with her evenly (although after her screams, how she is shaking from our child, there is no such desire), but she still hates me and our child.
Olga.
Photo: Valentin DRUZHININ
READERS' RESPONSES
Urgently go to her mother, she can do anything to your child, we had a similar situation in our neighbors, such a “sister” made his stepbrother a stutterer, the guy is suffering, but what can you take from her, the child is 16 years old.
Olga.
He will survive. He will roar, run and calm down. It's high time to organize your personal life - girlfriends, boys, etc.
Judagrossman.
She just grew up selfish (however, this is the majority of today's children who grow up without any special everyday problems), and therefore her father must explain many things to her and try to achieve mutual understanding, she understands that she will be worse off with her own mother, and tries by any means to remain on first place, you can try to keep her busy with sports, dancing, whatever, so that she doesn’t have time to think about the negative.
Guest No. 5737.
This is not the first time I have come across such stories. The girl really needs to understand that she is practically an adult. As a matter of fact, in a year she can get married herself. What does she mean by second plan? Life? My children and younger are involved in solving everyday problems. Attention? This would be strange, according to my observations, children at this age do not really like it when their “ancestors blow their minds.” What exactly does she need?
Guest.
And I'm in a position now. My son is 17, my daughter is 21. And I’m afraid to tell my husband’s daughter. And my son already knows and is very happy. The son is a student in St. Petersburg, and the daughter works in another city. It would seem that there is nothing to be afraid of... And yet...
Guest No. 8413.
Well, it’s not your children who hate each other. This is still a stepdaughter, let her own mother deal with her. At 17 years old, being such an infantile girl is something. Don't let an eight-year-old child be jealous of a baby.
Guest No. 3439.
And I understand this girl. The stepmother will never be a mother, no matter what. Only dad was a relative, although he had to share his attention with his stepmother. And now even less, most of it will go to the baby.
Guest No. 33.
How to understand and how to solve the problem
Solving any problem begins with analyzing possible causes. So:
Excessive requirements
All parents wish the best for their children, but at the same time the demands they place on them are simply unrealistic. For example, a child is engaged in dancing and the mother demands victory in every competition, and if not first place, then conversations begin that you are a worse daughter than the one who won.
During puberty in adolescence, such conversations have a strong impact on the psyche; the child feels as if he has been betrayed. Hence the daughter’s anger, aggression, mistrust and even hatred.
What to do?
Well, first of all, talk to your child frankly. Tell her that your words do not mean that you don’t love her, that it’s just your incontinence. Most likely, you will come to an understanding, she will forgive you. But here it is important to remember that during the conversation she can also show aggression - this will indicate resentment in her, towards you, towards her mother. Be patient. You yourself are to blame for the situation that has arisen.
Lack of attention
For working parents, the most important thing is always in short supply – family time. Mom, having worked 8 hours, comes home tired from work, but the children also need attention. It is the lack of this very attention that the child considers as ignoring his problems and himself. As a result, misunderstandings grow stronger, and close people become practically enemies.
What to do?
Unfortunately, you cannot return time, and there is no way to change the past. But he will have a heart-to-heart talk. But this needs to be done unobtrusively, step by step. Show interest in your daughter’s current life, her hobbies and desires. Psychologists advise sometimes the two of you can go out somewhere to sit in a cafe, or often invite your daughter into the kitchen in the evening to drink tea and talk about your own, feminine things.
My daughter hates me
This article will focus on teenage daughters , because... The topic of mother-daughter relationships is so great that to cover it you will need not one article, but a library. But teenage hatred is strong and causes such pain to the mother that today we will talk specifically about young teenage daughters. I will not cite here letters from mothers who were subjected to hatred from their child: believe me, they are all similar and the words “creature”, “bastard” and “prostitute” in them are not the worst. Or rather, at first glance the letters are different, but only the names and financial situation are different, but in the main the situation is repeated with a sad pattern: the daughter hates her mother, but the mother does not understand why and does not know what to do about it.
It’s difficult to give any advice here, because you need to deal with each specific case, but there are still general patterns that you need to know. Only one condition: read and think carefully about what you read, because in human relationships you cannot work with an axe, here you need to be able to see yourself from the outside and rethink many of the usual dogmas. So, let's take a typical situation: the mother does not understand why she did this and what she did wrong. But for the daughter, the picture is completely different: she has long been ready with a whole chest of complaints, she knows perfectly well what her mother is to blame for, she openly and deliberately declares that she hates her, and she can talk about the reasons for this attitude as much as she wants, because these reasons are always a lot of.
If a mother raised her daughter alone, she is all the more offended to hear the reproaches of her 15-year-old beauty, who will remember that she had neither roller skates, nor a console, nor a decent phone, nor a laptop, nor expensive beautiful clothes. And what her mother bought for her was embarrassing to appear in front of her friends , and she completely turned off the shameful cheap phone and hid it in her bag so that no one would see it. Do you think this is the reason for hatred? How naive you are! What are you, this is only a small part. So, you didn’t buy her beautiful things, she was constantly ashamed in front of her peers. But where were you all the time she was growing up? Where, at work, of course, they made money for this cheapest phone. Where was the girl while you were away? In kindergarten, then at school, and so that the child would not hang out on the street, her grandmother looked after her . This child is your everything. In addition, she was sick as a child and you don’t forget how you spent whole nights sitting by her crib. And you didn’t have a personal life, because all your thoughts were focused on how the child was doing, what she was doing. You hurriedly ran home, and in the evening you cooked dinner and did homework with her, rather than lying on the couch at the spa. Of course, if there was a man who, with a slight movement of his hand, would eliminate all your material problems and would also love you madly, and even accept your daughter as his own... You would, of course. didn’t refuse... But for some reason there were no such people. I would tell you why, but we have a different topic today.
So, let’s sum up the debit-credit: you didn’t buy her what she wanted, you showed up at home late, talked mainly about lessons, and at the same time you were always alone. The latter is especially important: it means that you were not listed on the love market. Even when we were younger. What can we talk about now... And don’t let the word “ market ” , if you think that it doesn’t exist, and young beautiful women have the same demand as the old and sick, I feel sorry for you. And if you were not alone and had a stormy personal life, you will still be guilty . This means that men are dearer to you than your own daughter. Now about grandma, it’s her turn. What did the grandmother say to the child when she was little? Did your authority support you or did it all come down to “mom has her own things to do, but I really love you, my darling”? If so, then everything becomes clear. The version of “Mom doesn’t need me” is firmly embedded in her consciousness. Your teenage daughter does not yet know what an earned ruble is , but she knows well when these rubles are not enough. By the way, in rich families there are no less grievances. She doesn’t remember how you sat near her crib at night, but she remembers very well how you constantly pestered her with homework.
You, who do not have a crowd of fans, have no right to pry into her personal life and ask where she is going and with whom. That's what she thinks. And you think that all these boys will not lead to good things and it’s too early for her to think about it. In addition, you do not like boys , you are afraid and do not trust them, citing the fact that “they all only need one thing.” And your daughter really likes boys, i.e. and in this you do not understand her. In addition, at the age of three years, any child goes through the separation stage, i.e. separation from the mother. This refers to moral and psychological independence, hence, by the way, frequent conflicts at the age of three. Or rather, every child must go through this stage , but not everyone succeeds. If you were very protective of your daughter, without noticing it, constantly giving her hyper-custody along with love, then the stage passed with age, and the child never learned to project life events onto himself and be responsible for his actions. For what? If there is a mother who will always come running and decide and do everything, why think about it yourself? And blaming the mother for everything is a consequence of all of the above. Yes, and you, I think, hand on heart, have grievances against your mother .
You see, your child simply does not know how to appreciate what he has. How many adults do you know who can do this? There are only a few such people, you yourself know this very well. If your daughter had no mother at all, was raised in an orphanage, and then found a mother, she would appreciate you. Orphanage children are often ready to forgive even the fact that they were cruelly abandoned, as long as there is a mother. Your ignorant young rude woman has pinned all your sins on you and accused you of everything possible. And now you don't want to come home. You would be happy to talk to her , but she doesn’t need it, she doesn’t make contact and the relationship is chronically alienated.
Leave her alone. Don't bother trying to have a heart-to-heart talk if she doesn't need it. She did not go through the period of independence at three years old, but she is going through it now. Do something for her only if she asks: no one needs your generous helpfulness. Stop sorting things out in general, and, most importantly, stop making excuses. Tell her that she is right in many ways, and you are wrong, and openly offer to stop this conversation, which brings nothing but tears and resentment . Stop telling her that you are the only one she has and that the greatest value in her life is you.
Now she has completely different values. Tell yourself that life goes on and in this life it no longer needs you as much as before, no matter how much you might want it. You live together, but seem to be apart and it hurts you. How are you going to live when she gets married? Or do you not want to let her go? I know such cases, they all end very sadly. Peace, love and good relationship with your daughter!
Different views on life
It is the difference in views on the world and on life in general that most often causes quarrels between mother and daughter. And if a girl has a quarrelsome character, then she is not far from showing outright aggression towards her mother.
What to do?
You have lived your life, let your child live his. You don't have to agree to everything, but discuss the situation that has arisen that leads to conflicts and tell them how you see it. But don’t put pressure, don’t use “authority”, discuss everything calmly and without quarrels.
