Every person has given in to someone at least once. We were taught this from childhood. Sharing toys, giving in to elders, submitting to someone or circumstances because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.” And in most cases there is nothing wrong with that. Compliance teaches us to think beyond ourselves. However, be careful.
Being too accommodating can play a cruel joke on you. When for the sake of others you are ready to sacrifice your plans, time, interests and, ultimately, your life. Which you could have lived in your own way, but you live the way you were told to live. This is not your destiny. It is necessary to learn to distinguish between ordinary concessions and helping people from manipulations that destroy your personality and life. Learn to say “no” to everything that doesn’t suit you.
Meaning of the concept
Compliance is a type of social influence when one individual seeks to satisfy the needs of others to the detriment of his own desires. That is, such a person will calmly cancel his plans that he planned a week ago in order to go shopping with a friend for company, so that she will not be bored.
Often such behavior is regarded as weakness, because if you are not able to defend your rights and interests, then you are a weak-willed person. But this is not entirely true.
Compliance is a controversial quality, the usefulness of which depends on the specific situation. In one case, gentleness will play into your hands, for example, during a family conflict, this will allow you to smooth out corners and end the quarrel without major losses. In another case, compliance will bring unnecessary troubles and problems. For example, working overtime. In the eyes of your boss, you are a real hero, but what will it cost you?
Selflessness - what is it, examples from life - The Author of His Life
Man in all centuries has wanted to live in an ideal world. Depending on the ideas of what kind of world seems ideal, people created certain rules and foundations in society.
Thus, a modern person is born into an already organized world, to which he must get used to, learning its rules and laws. One of the qualities that is promoted by society is selflessness.
Let’s look at what it is and what examples demonstrate selflessness in the online magazine psytheater.com.
Selflessness is elevated to the rank of one of the desirable qualities that an individual should possess. Why is this quality so promoted? Because selflessness implies the position of a person who gives, helps, does or sacrifices without expecting anything in return.
On the one hand, this manifestation is truly generous. Not every person will be able to tear off a piece of something valuable from themselves in order to give it away forever without the expectation that their efforts will somehow pay off.
On the other hand, it’s not for nothing that people want those around them to be selfless; sometimes they even reproach them for the lack of this quality.
Selflessness is manipulated. Selflessness is not always sincere. Selflessness is sometimes selfish. All this is done by people who misuse this quality and sometimes provoke others into bad behavior.
When a mother says that she has “sacrificed everything for the children,” she is, from a psychological point of view, selling her motherly love. If a woman tells her husband: “I gave you all my best years,” the issue is not discussed.
“She gave it away” means that she was forcibly held? She wanted to be with him, now it's over, now she regrets? Let him go. There is no need to reproach a person. No one took it by force.
If a person says: “She ruined my whole life, she nagged me...” - was he tied up? Was he being held?
In other words, if you do something, do it only because you decided to do it. There is no need to wait for praise or gratitude. You do not do this for this, but in order to help a person selflessly.
If you begin to be offended that someone did not thank you or did not give you some kind of payment in return for your help, it means that your actions were selfish. You didn’t just do something, you did things to get something in return, to earn money. In this case, there is no need to talk about friendship, love, conscience. You acted selfishly - admit it!
And if you want to get some benefit from your actions, then warn the other person in advance about what you expect from him as a result of your help.
If you do not warn, then do not blame anyone for the fact that your actions were considered disinterested. If you decide to help, then help for free.
And if your actions involve receiving some kind of payment, then discuss this issue with the person in advance, so that later you do not consider yourself disadvantaged, and other people - guilty of something.
What is selflessness?
What is selflessness? It is necessary to consider this concept without reference to the real manifestations of this quality in order to understand its essence. Selflessness is the personal quality of a person when he brings good (psychological, moral or material) without expecting anything in return.
When a person commits a selfless act, he does not want to achieve something (does not seek benefits), receive something, or do exactly as much as he will receive in return or as much as another person has already done to him.
An individual, performing selfless acts, does not expect anything and does not keep track of who has done how much and what they deserve.
Selflessness is the quality when a person does not think about the past and future:
- He does not look into the past to calculate what and who did to him, how many resources were spent on him by the person he wants to help.
- He does not look into the future to calculate what he can get in return, what benefit he can take from a person, what he will owe to him.
During selflessness, a person does not evaluate the actions of his own and others. He is driven solely by the desire to improve the lives of other people. When a calculation occurs, then a person evaluates his action and weighs it against the benefit or help of another individual. When an act is performed unselfishly, then everything is given for free, even if the help turns out to be unrewarded or not reciprocated.
A selfless act always aims to improve the life of another individual. At the same time, the person himself who commits a selfless act wants to remain secret, to do the action so that no one would guess that it was him.
Many people make the mistake of thinking that they are doing selfless things. If a person pursues the following goals, then his actions are selfish:
- He wants to receive praise.
- In this way he makes useful connections in order to receive help from another person in the future.
- Ingratiates himself into trust.
Examples of selflessness could be:
- Sell your car to pay for a friend's surgery.
- Spend all your saved money on resolving your loved one’s debt issues.
- Move the old lady across the road.
Why do people need selflessness? Indeed, in essence, selflessness is a person’s desire to sacrifice himself, which contradicts instinctive impulses and evolutionary development.
To preserve his species, a person must take care of himself and provide for himself. However, society is trying to instill selflessness in everyone.
This is dictated by the fact that selflessness is the highest quality that only materially and spiritually rich people can possess.
What could be bad about this? In fact, there is one factor that is missed when it comes to selflessness. Human resources are not limitless. Every person’s money, time, strength, health, desires tend to dry up or change. Moreover, if these resource reserves are not replenished, then they will simply disappear.
Therefore, there is a catch in the idea of selflessness: a person gives, but does not receive anything in return, because he does not demand. In this case, the selfless person eventually stops giving anything to people because he has nothing left to share.
So what's going on? Those people who are used to receiving selfless help or feelings are indignant at where it all went.
The fact is that a person cannot be absolutely selfless. If he only gives without demanding anything for himself personally, then his resources that he can share with other people dry up.
A selfless person ends up with nothing left for himself or for those around him. And to other people it begins to seem that a selfless person has become selfish because he has stopped giving them anything for nothing.
And, naturally, those people who are accustomed only to disinterestedly receive without giving anything in return turn away from him.
Why do people seek selflessness? Without delving into philosophy, the answer is simple: it’s nice when another person is ready to give you everything and demand nothing in return. People like to have everything and do nothing. It's human nature.
Therefore, praising selflessness and reproaching people for the fact that they cannot be selfless is pure manipulation! It is good for society to make you a selfless person who will only give, give and take nothing in return.
After all, how nice it is to just receive, lie on the couch and have everything at hand at the expense of another person who was brought up on the slogans of selflessness.
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Selflessness – what is it?
To understand how selflessness occurs, you need to try to live for the benefit of other people at least for one day.
Selflessness is when a person gives up his needs and desires in an effort to direct all his benefits and resources to improve the lives of other people.
Here a person does not choose what to spend money or time on, since he does not evaluate, but simply begins to do what others ask him or want to see.
Selflessness develops because from birth a person is exclusively focused on himself. Man must biologically take care of himself in order to survive. However, if someone has the desire to live for other people and give their all to those around them, then this can be developed.
Why do you sometimes feel so bitter because you try, do, and do not get the result you expected in return? If this result depended on other people for whom you worked, then the answer is quite natural: you did for the sake of something, and not for the sake of what you wanted to do.
Have you ever asked yourself: why do people sometimes do completely useless things, but get tremendous pleasure from it? Because these people take actions and already get joy from it. Of course, they count on some result at the end of their actions, but it rather depends on themselves rather than on other people.
Thus, it is necessary to draw conclusions. In order not to be upset about the fact that you did something and did not get any pleasure, you must follow the following rules:
- Do it without expecting anything in return. You either do it and don’t expect anything from others, or you don’t do it, then you won’t be offended because other people didn’t do anything for you.
- Do only what you yourself want to do, and only when you yourself want to do it. If you are forced to do something, then you will not get joy from what you do. There is no need to succumb to someone's provocations. Do only what you yourself want to do, and only when you personally have a desire to do it.
- Don't expect gratitude or words of praise. If you do something for the sake of positive evaluation from others, then you rightfully sometimes do not hear what you want. People are not always attentive to each other, so no one will monitor your actions. You should praise yourself for being able to do some work. Not other people, but you personally should admire yourself. As soon as you learn to praise yourself and support yourself with kind words, then you will not need gratitude from other people who may simply consider your work a completely natural phenomenon.
- Don't try to evoke pity - it's tiring and annoying. Be strong, be independent from others. Do those things that you consider necessary. Don't expect help, support or mercy from others. If they give you help, take it; if they don’t give you help, be able to cope with any problems yourself. Be weak only when you are really weak (sick or don't know what to do). But if you are healthy and can solve the problem yourself, then do your thing. It gives you strength and self-confidence!
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Bottom line
Selflessness is a sacrificial position when a person voluntarily becomes a slave to others. He is ready to live for the sake of others and their good. Selflessness is, to some extent, a utopia that is needed by those who will use it for their own benefit. In other words, a selfless person often lives in illusions if this quality was forcibly brought up in him. And those around you take advantage of it.
However, a truly selfless person can exist. Selflessness arises where a person has abundance. When a person has a lot of money, then he can give some of it away.
When a person has a lot of love, then he can give it without demanding anything in return.
And when a person himself lacks something, then he often does not act selflessly, but acts with hopes and expectations of reciprocal help.
Source:
Selflessness (selfless person): what is it, examples from life
Anyone who does good without expecting anything in return, not even words of gratitude, is a selfless person. He is driven by a spiritual impulse, there is no doubt and no expectation of benefit. When there is an analysis of the correctness of actions and consideration of the possible benefits of performing them, selflessness disappears.
What a selfless person he is
To gain trust or increase their rating, people often disguise their actions as selfless, but in reality everything is not so simple.
Source: https://avtorsvoejzhizni.ru/metodiki/beskorystie-chto-eto-takoe-primery-iz-zhizni.html
Altruism and obedience
Soft people are very easy to manipulate. They are kind and do not see a catch where there is one. If you ask nicely and press for pity, they will happily do everything for free.
Selfless compliance is providing help without demanding anything in return.
There is nothing wrong with reasonable altruism that does not cross a person’s personal boundaries. But you shouldn’t break yourself for the sake of others for the sake of an imaginary goal.
Humble character type
In a person, the pliability of character is expressed in an orientation towards people, their problems and desires. These are dependent, passive, insecure people who please others for the sake of their safety and peace of mind. They need protection, guidance and love. Quite often, behind the mask of virtue, hostility and anger towards others is hidden. This is due to the fact that this personality type suppresses and hides its aggressiveness.
In a crowd, such a person is easy to recognize by his reserved, constrained behavior. They feel embarrassed and lost in the presence of others, so they usually keep a low profile.
What is selflessness
The concept of selflessness is fundamental in spiritual practices and has a large number of definitions. These are thoughts purified of selfishness and all that is bad, and the desire to benefit people, putting their interests above one’s own.
Most importantly, selflessness is the greatest virtue of all times, which emphasizes the dignity of the individual and shows the highest value motives.
Selflessness is far from social principles, since there is no need to evaluate the actions of others through the prism of expecting reciprocal actions. There is only a desire to improve the world, situation or mood of another person, even if gratitude for this impulse will not follow or the actions will lead to a loss.
True selflessness is not characterized by self-promotion or creating a certain image. It implies that no one will recognize or appreciate a good deed, but approval is not required, since the person has already received satisfaction and does not need additional encouragement from the outside.
Compliance and stubbornness
Decision-making in situations depends on a person's individual attitude towards his resources and interests, as well as the needs of other people. Resources are everything that we have, that we have. Interests are actions that we are willing to take upon ourselves. How a person behaves depends on how they are distributed among themselves. Stubbornness and compliance are two opposite qualities.
The personal space of a compliant individual includes the interests and needs of other people, and resources act as a means of manipulation. Such a person generously shares everything he owns. He treats other people's needs sensitively and with understanding. But as soon as someone encroaches on his interests, his reaction may turn out to be unexpected and aggressive.
Resources fall into the personal space of a stubborn person, and interests are the cause of influence. He can calmly share them with others, listen and accept suggestions. But if someone encroaches on its resources, they will meet with harsh rebuff and a sharp reaction.
Stubbornness is the opposite quality of compliance. A moderately stubborn person will never allow himself to be used in the interests of others. This is an independent, active and self-confident individual who dictates his own rules of the game. Such a person is difficult to manipulate.
Unselfishness - do you need this quality?
Selflessness in simple words is the absence of self-interest and hidden motives in behavior. Do you consider yourself a selfless person? Are you ready to help, spending your resources and getting nothing in return? If yes, that's commendable. Otherwise, you will have to reconsider your views, learn to be open and honest with people. How to do it?
What is selflessness
By definition, selflessness is the ability to do good deeds without expecting anything in return. People with this quality provide material or psychological assistance without hoping to receive benefits, compensation, or even gratitude. They also do not calculate how much resources they spent.
Selflessness is often associated with inner freedom. This is a state when material calculation and commercialism are alien to a person. He does good deeds just like that, in order to make the lives of others at least a little better. There is no talk here about priorities and plans for the future.
Interesting! “Unselfishness is one of the most praiseworthy virtues that gives rise to good glory.” M. Cervantes
Selflessness is an intrapersonal quality. It manifests itself and is realized exclusively in actions, and not in words. It's being kind to others without expecting bonuses for yourself.
An unselfish person does not obey society and does not evaluate his actions in terms of consequences. That is why sometimes his behavior leads to personal losses. However, in return comes the joy of realizing that someone has become happier.
Many people are deceived into thinking that their actions are selfless. If you carefully analyze the motives, it turns out that they are driven by the desire to earn praise or gain trust.
Why you need to cultivate selflessness
We are initially born selfless. Doing good deeds for the benefit of others is a normal state. And that is what brings true happiness.
People have the opportunity to go one of two ways:
- Put yourself and your desires first. Show selfishness.
- Cultivate selflessness in yourself, becoming happier every day.
You can choose any option. The responsibility for the choice will still fall on your shoulders. But is it worth arguing with your nature?
For example, imagine a funny situation. The fish moves to land for further life. This is unnatural because it must live in water. Is not it? The same is true with selflessness. Developing it in yourself is natural. Don’t try to change human nature, “go on land.” This is the only way you will experience satisfaction.
Selfless - what kind of person is this?
So what does selflessness mean? This is helping other people without benefiting yourself. A selfless person invests energy, money and time in those around him. And these resources are not paid for, they do not pay off.
A person who does not think about benefits has a number of characteristic signs:
- Be honest with yourself and with others. Has no ulterior motives.
- Doesn't manipulate other people, doesn't resort to cunning.
- Shows compassion.
For such individuals, any reward for actions (psychological or material) is akin to punishment.
How others perceive him
Someone takes advantage of selfless people without any conscience. Others appreciate them, showing gratitude for their help. In general, it all depends on the character and personal qualities.
By the way, many people confuse selfless concern for the welfare of other people with altruism. There is a serious difference between these two concepts. The altruist's actions often cause him harm. All because he doesn't see the danger.
According to psychologists, altruists are very sensitive to negative changes in the environment. They let through themselves what is happening to others, their pain, emotions. Because of this, they themselves experience a storm of feelings. Unfortunately, not always pleasant ones.
How relationships with society are built
People who do good unselfishly are always ready to respond to requests for help. They are always for frankness and openness. Therefore, they easily establish contact with others.
Relationships with different social groups for unselfish people develop differently:
- In a family where complete trust reigns, connections will only strengthen. The absence of selfish motives and motives will help people become even closer to each other.
- Selflessness in a team can play a cruel joke. Colleagues often take advantage of kindness and dependability. A person rarely moves up the career ladder. Cannot defend his opinion and interests.
- In relationships with strangers, the situation is much more complicated than in previous cases. Excessive openness and gullibility very often lead to disappointment. In addition, unselfish people can be used for their own purposes and deceived.
A person who is ready to act selflessly for the benefit of others believes that those around him should be the same as him. This opinion prevents him from sensibly assessing the situation and people.
Reasons for selflessness
Psychologists say that this quality appears either in childhood or in adulthood. Moreover, in the second case, tragic or inspiring events must occur in life.
Selflessness does not develop naturally, because the individual must have healthy egoism and fight for his life. And further. Depending on how you respond to manifestations of unselfishness, the quality develops or is eradicated, like other shortcomings.
Selflessness of a child
Unselfish children really need support and understanding from their parents. They must explain to the child how and why to help other people. This will help avoid two extremes: altruism and asceticism.
Unselfishness in an adult
In adults, quality develops only after a reassessment of values, a revision of priorities, and a change in view of the world.
It is difficult to say unequivocally whether selflessness that emerged in adulthood is harmful or not. Sometimes it is beneficial. In some cases, after traumatic situations, you may need the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist.
What is selflessness worth?
In the modern world, unselfish people have a difficult time. This is because there are those who use them with impunity. Let's give an example. You've probably seen stores that give out free bread to pensioners.
For this purpose, a separate showcase is allocated in the sales area. The store owners don't expect anything in return. They just want to help those in need.
And if at first the bread reaches its destination, then it is taken by those who do not need help at all.
Unfortunately, such cases happen everywhere. There are people who will not miss theirs. They will shamelessly take advantage of the selflessness and kindness of others.
The correct defensive reaction will help to avoid such situations. Learn to be discerning about your surroundings. And raise your children the same way. Show them that selflessness is not weakness.
How to develop selflessness
First you need to realize the lack of this quality. And then all that remains is to start acting. Look around: there are many people around who need your help. It could be an elderly woman with heavy bags. Or a friend who really needs psychological support.
Source: https://lifemotivation.ru/samopoznanie/beskorystie
Impact techniques
In psychology, compliance is an excellent method for achieving many goals. Marketers and sellers use it, forcing us to be more accommodating and buy goods.
- Ingratiation - a person presents himself in a more attractive light in the eyes of another in order to make it easier to achieve a goal. For example, using flattery as a tool.
- Reciprocity - if they did something good to us, then we consider it our duty to repay the same. This is a very effective method that works even when the service was done accidentally or came from an unpleasant person.
- Door to door method - first you are asked for a large concession, when you refuse, the demands are reduced until you agree. Sellers use this method by offering a product at an inflated price, and then, gradually reducing it, giving you a big discount.
- The “foot in the door” method - they ask you for a small request, if you agree, then fulfill the rest, more serious ones. For example, a colleague asked to replace him for a few hours, you agree. Next time he will ask you to replace him for the whole working day.
- The “that’s not all” method - before you agree, you will be offered additional favorable conditions and offers. This technique is used in advertising according to the principle: “buy one, get one free” or “three for the price of two.”
- The “low ball” method - a person agrees to a service under certain conditions, and then these conditions are changed without his knowledge.
Compliance strategy
Everyone swears and quarrels from time to time. But there are situations when good relationships must be maintained at any cost. It is best to give in in cases where the conflict has exhausted itself, but the skirmish continues automatically. This behavior will aggravate the situation and give rise to a new wave of dispute. Compliance is a great way out of an awkward situation. It will help in the following cases:
- Your opponent is unconditionally right, and you understand it.
- The subject of the conflict is less important for you than for the enemy.
- If you are sure that the disagreement will end in loss, then this step will minimize losses.
- Your opponent is stronger than you.
Tactics
These are difficult but effective techniques that will help smooth out conflict. Use them only as a last resort, because suppressing negative emotions can be bad for your well-being. Try to resolve disagreements through negotiations and find a compromise together.
- Pretend that nothing bad happened and everything is fine.
- Act as if nothing happened.
- Suppress negative emotions.
- Go to the goal in a roundabout way, for example through charm.
- Be silent and think about your revenge plan.
Compliance is neither good nor bad. It is a tool that people use to achieve results. Sometimes these goals are positive and aimed at good, sometimes negative and destructive. It all depends on the individual.
In order not to fall for manipulation and be able to regulate situations in your favor, you need to know how this mechanism works. Respect yourself, value your time and love your life!
Finding Freedom
What was mentioned above may seem unusual to the average person. Most people will have a strong feeling that living the way the selfless people live is real hell. However, in reality, they are free people. They are not burdened by the burden of insignificant egoistic aspirations. A person who does not need anything for himself is truly free. Selfless people live here and now, they take advantage of every moment and simply live in a way that makes others feel good. It’s a paradox, but this is how it becomes good for them too. After all, as they say, to each his own. And their joy lies in the happiness of others.
I would like to say that few people become selfless people on purpose. This is impossible. Why? Everything is very simple. Because selfless means sincerely. And being real is a gift.
