Women who, at least once in their lives, have caught themselves thinking that they hate their own child are often tormented by feelings of guilt and consider themselves bad mothers. They are sincerely frightened by such emotions and try in every possible way to correct the situation by reading relevant literature and turning to psychologists. In fact, such thoughts may have nothing to do with true feelings for your child, but are a temporary consequence of overwork, depression or stress.
Unfortunately, there are other situations when a woman’s maternal instinct never awakens and she really hates her children. The child feels well the mother’s dislike and often grows up to be a complex person, experiencing a lot of problems in communicating with the opposite sex.
What to do if you hate your child, what causes such feelings and is it possible to get rid of them once and for all?
“Accept the child for who he is, without trying to correct him to suit your ideal...”
This is roughly what psychologists' advice sounds like. They argue that all the problems are that parents cannot accept the difference of their own child, because they themselves experienced a similar experience in childhood, they themselves were not accepted for who they are. Psychologists recommend that parents remember their childhood, those situations when they were not accepted and their own parents tried to remake them, and, finally, internally allow themselves not to meet anyone’s ideals and expectations. This will allow you to accept the child as he is. And this acceptance mystically should solve all problems.
Will he decide? Let's say I accept that my child steals, is rude, lies, plays on the computer for days on end, or disappears at night unknown where. I accept that I am responsible for this. What's next?! Who will explain what to do?!
Unfortunately, such advice no longer works after the child turns 6 years old.
Consequences of family hatred
Often people don't even think about how much negative feelings affect their lives. Thus, a grown-up child who hates his own parents may come to the wrong concept of raising his own heirs. He will try to do everything completely differently, while limiting the baby’s communication with his grandparents. As a result, the conflict will only take root, finally quarreling all family members.
Often quarrels with the closest people turn into depression or complexes for a person. He feels inferior and therefore cannot achieve success both in his personal life and in his career.
Psychologists note that there is also hidden hatred. The child secretly experiences negativity due to the excessive care of the older generation. However, he turns out to be too withdrawn or modest to express such emotions. As a result, spiritual darkness accumulates in him and results in inappropriate actions. Such hatred can turn into outright acts of violence.
You always need to fight such negative emotions. Psychologists advise not to forget that parents are still the closest people to their own child. That is why you need to fight to the bitter end for a happy and strong relationship with them.
Julia, Zavolzhsk
No use accepting. We must understand!
It is impossible to accept what is not understood. Is it possible, for example, to accept that your child steals from classmates? What is he missing? The house is almost a full cup!
No need to accept. We must understand what underlies his unacceptable behavior. What drives him and what controls him. Only the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan can correctly answer this question. According to SVP, each person is born with an already given set of properties and desires (they are called vectors), which require their development and implementation. Parents' vectors do not always coincide with children's vectors. And what seems normal to the mother, or even good and pleasant, may not be the same for the child.
Parents want to raise their child into an improved copy of themselves. But it often happens that a person is born into a family with completely different properties. Parents with the best intentions try to give their children the best and make them happy. But they proceed from their understanding of good and bad, right and wrong, happiness and unhappiness. But it is so arranged that the psyche of one person (read “desires and possibilities”) can differ from the psyche of another, just as the properties of a fish differ from the properties of a bird.
If a fish is deprived of water and taught to fly, what will it do? That's right, he will begin to resist and look for any opportunity to slip into the water. How will a bird feel if it cannot teach a fish to fly? What about a fish that doesn’t want to fly, but isn’t allowed to swim? It is true that they will feel powerless and hate each other. It is these feelings that appear in parents when they cannot understand the reasons for their children’s behavior.
Reasons for hating a child
If you once felt hatred towards your child, do not be afraid of your emotions - they are not pathology or perversion. First of all, you need to calm down and not talk about your thoughts to everyone you meet in search of effective advice and support. Also, do not try to suppress these feelings without understanding their nature. Substituting sensations will not solve the problem in any way, but will most likely lead to constant tension and neurosis. Try to analyze your emotions and find their cause. If you can’t do this on your own, contact a psychologist.
Lack of adequate sleep, overwork
Irritability is a normal state for young women who have experienced the joy of motherhood for the first time and are not fully prepared for the new stage of their lives. During the period of postpartum depression, a girl may experience a whole range of emotions: remorse for not having a warm enough attitude towards the child, loss of interest in everything around her, anger at herself, a feeling of her own insignificance, etc.
Postpartum problems develop within 6 weeks after birth and are accompanied by the following symptoms:
- high fatigue;
- Bad mood;
- disturbance of appetite and sleep;
- decreased memory concentration;
- thoughts of suicide;
- pessimistic thoughts about the future.
The main symptom is detachment from the newborn.
It should be understood that postpartum depression is a serious mental disorder that requires the help of a specialist. If, instead of rejoicing at the birth of a person, you are depressed and broken, it is recommended to urgently consult a psychotherapist.
Women with an unstable psyche who lived in a family where physical violence was used are most prone to postpartum depression.
Anger and irritability towards your own child can be caused by the most common overwork. Restless children, who have completely disrupted your usual routine, deprived you of peace and sleep, can cause severe rage. It is important to understand that you are a living person who has the right to different feelings, including hatred. Even the strongest and calmest people experience short-term outbursts of anger and aggression towards loved ones. What can we say about a woman who has just given birth and who has experienced the greatest stress in her life?
Lack of personal time
In medicine, hatred of one’s own child is called “misopedia.” This phenomenon is often confused with ordinary aggression and anger at the bad behavior of children. It would seem that a loving mother simply cannot feel hatred for her own children, this is unnatural. But in practice, everything is not always so cloudless and smooth. I hate my child, what should I do? This question is asked by many parents who cannot cope with their disobedient offspring and are exhausted in their daily attempts to re-educate their child.
Similar feelings are typical of many young mothers who do not have a minute of free time to get themselves in order, meet with friends, read a magazine or watch their favorite movie. In the first years of a child’s life, you will have to forget about these simple and familiar things. The irritation from the lack of time is more than compensated by the happiness of the birth of a little person. Short and rare outbursts of anger in conditions of constant emotional stress and overwork are normal. The most important thing is to keep such emotions under control and not show them in any way in front of your child.
Strained relationship with husband, divorce
Divorce from the baby's father can have a destructive effect on the mother's feelings. You can often observe a situation where in families where children from different fathers are raised, the mother shows less attention and affection to the child from the man who abandoned her. At the same time, it seems to her that she loves all children equally, but her subconscious gives a completely different picture - resentment towards a man is reflected in his child. The woman cannot forgive him for his petty pranks, bad grades and behavior problems at school. With outbursts of anger and aggression, she compensates for her unspoken resentment and anger towards her ex-partner.
Hatred towards a son or daughter may be associated with a general state of stress due to problems in the family and a tense relationship with the husband. During periods of conflicts and scandals with her husband, a woman is in an emotionally unstable state. The slightest infraction of the baby can throw her off balance. As a rule, attacks of anger with a desire to shout and spank your offspring alternate with feelings of guilt for your irritability.
Depression
If the thought “I hate my child” obsessively flashes through your head, there is no need to desperately try to suppress such impulses. During periods of personal crisis and depression, people often feel the desire to remain alone and protect themselves as much as possible from communicating with others. Young children who want to spend time with their mother and do not want to leave her alone can fall under the “hot hand” and fully feel the bad mood of the parent. A depressive state is accompanied by alienation not only from one’s own children, but from all people. No one is immune from such problems, so there is no need to engage in self-flagellation and aggravate the situation. To stabilize your internal state, it is recommended to seek the help of a psychologist.
Lack of maternal instinct
Maternal instinct is a sincere desire to give your baby the best, to protect him from any danger, even at the cost of his health and life. It forces mothers to give the best piece of food to their children and to sacrifice their own interests for the needs of their children.
Nature is designed in such a way that some people and animals are deprived of the maternal instinct. According to statistics, 7–8% of women have this feature. It is characterized by indifference, that is, the absence of any strong feelings for your child. This is often due to the fact that a woman grew up in a family where everyone was constantly busy, and therefore she received less attention in childhood. Sometimes instinct acts with a delay, for example, 5–10 years after birth.
Some women spend their entire lives desperately trying to cultivate maternal feelings within themselves, constantly being in a tense and depressed state. Such attempts may also be accompanied by attacks of aggression towards the child.
Mother's coldness
Maternal coldness and detachment can manifest themselves in different ways. One of these manifestations is a mother’s hatred of her daughter. In this case, an adult woman may see her daughter as a rival and systematically humiliates her in order to subjugate her and impose an inferiority complex on her.
Women who have been abused by men are prone to such emotions. By humiliating their daughters, they unconsciously try to suppress their sexuality and thus prevent the threat of violence.
Such manifestations are considered a pathology and require detailed study with a psychologist.
The coldness of a mother towards her son may be due to the fact that the boy was born from an unloved man. Some single mothers, by disliking their sons, demonstrate disdain and hatred for the entire male sex.
Another common cause of misopedia is the birth of a girl instead of a long-awaited boy and vice versa.
Hatred arises because a woman is forced to demonstrate love for her child throughout her life, but instead she experiences only coldness and indifference. Moreover, such situations happen even in prosperous and seemingly strong families.
***
For example, a child with a skin vector is born with the task of extracting a material resource. He is nimble, agile, quick-witted. A mother with an anal vector will perceive his liveliness as disobedience. She will try to make him sit down and calm him down, naturally, without success. If you shout at such a child, and even more so, beat him, then the development of his vector properties stops. He, instead of becoming an inventor, engineer, lawyer, businessman, becomes a thief, since theft is the very first archetypal way of obtaining a material resource. That is, no matter how much we want to change it, the child will still implement the properties of its vector. In an acceptable way, useful for him and for society, or unacceptable.
Childfree
Translated from English, “childfree” means “free from children.” In foreign countries this is a fairly popular subculture, which increases its numbers every year. For example, in the USA there are more than 40 organizations uniting childfree people. The main idea of this movement is voluntary renunciation of parenthood. That is, these are not infertile men and women who are forced to be deprived of children. No, it is entirely their choice.
Many childfrees undergo the sterilization procedure quite voluntarily. Some of them fiercely hate children, but the majority, with aggressive statements, only defend their choice from the attacks of “dissenters.” Some adherents of this idea take custody of other people's children, but do not have their own.
It is worth noting that, according to statistics, white women and men, with higher education and a fairly high level of income, predominate among childfree people. Most of these people are in demand in their profession, are not inclined to adhere to traditional gender roles, are not religious, and prefer to live in cities.
A curious experiment
It is precisely because of the high level of education and wealth of childfree people that they make many people think about the experiments of J. Calhoun, which were carried out in 1960-70. Their essence was to create ideal living conditions for mice. They did not need food or drink, and the possibility of illness was excluded.
At first, there was an explosion in the birth rate, but gradually the males stopped showing interest in females and became passive. In females, on the contrary, there was a noticeable increase in the aggression that they often showed towards their cubs. Some refused to bear children. Grown-up children, in turn, were rejected by mouse society; they had no place in the hierarchy, because old people began to live longer.
Then the so-called “beautiful mice” appeared. Due to the lack of wounds from fights, they looked good, but were only capable of primitive behavior. All day long they just brushed their fur, ate, drank and slept. The “beautiful” did not enter into conflicts and did not show any desire to bear children. Over time, the number of pregnancies dropped to zero and the mouse population died out.
On my own behalf, I would like to add that it is not necessary to love and want children. You can remain indifferent, avoid contact, have an abortion. But if the child has already been born or you feel a feeling of hatred when looking at children, then the work of a psychologist is most likely needed.
Feeding aggression and anger is, first of all, harmful to oneself. In the end, you can reach the boiling point and injure the child. Agree, it is much better to immediately work through your negative attitudes with a specialist and live “lightly”, in harmony with yourself and the world.
Natalya, Moscow
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If the child has an anal vector and the mother has a skin vector, then the situation may not be any easier. His task in society is to collect and preserve information for transmission to the next generation, to preserve foundations and traditions. For a skinny mother, he is too slow, too boring, too stubborn, too touchy, too dependent, too slow! And he annoys her too much with this all the time!
And for him, his beloved mother becomes a source of constant stress! He wants to please her with all his might, but he can’t. Accumulates resentment. Becomes stubborn. He begins to take revenge... But mom wanted the best!
Postpartum psychosis – what is it?
Childbirth is a long-awaited event. How I wanted to have children, a family! And suddenly a realization arises, which is expressed by the terrible phrase “I hate my child.” It's a frightening, alien feeling, but it's so clearly present in the mind. The main thing is not to remain silent. Or others need to notice this in a woman in labor in time. This condition is considered a mental disorder and therefore requires qualified psychological and medical assistance. Postpartum psychosis can manifest itself in different forms. This can be either a mild or severe form of the disorder. A single cause of postpartum psychosis has not been identified, but it is often caused by hormonal imbalances.
When a woman says “I hate my child,” she should not be convinced otherwise with various words. She just needs help and a medical examination, a conversation with a psychoanalyst. Someone must take on the main burden of caring for the baby, and the woman in labor must be given the opportunity to recover, consult with relevant specialists, and sometimes just rest. But in no case should such manifestations be ignored: the sooner qualified assistance is provided, the faster harmony will come. Here is a short list of symptoms of postpartum psychosis in its advanced stage: appetite disorders, hallucinations (often auditory), abnormal thinking and inadequacy, mania, suicidal thoughts... It is important to distinguish between postpartum psychosis and the melancholy that occurs after the birth of a baby. The latter usually goes away within two weeks. True, neglected blues can develop into psychosis.
Particular attention should be paid to what the mother in labor says: her words can become the key to the cause of depression or hatred of the child. There are many reasons for this behavior, given that every woman has her own story related to pregnancy and childbirth: one gained too much weight, although she did not want it, another lost a good job due to pregnancy, the third lost a loved one, the fourth was simply tired of family and marital responsibilities. There are many other personal reasons.
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A child with a sound vector seems strange from an early age. He may not be interested, like all “normal” children, in playing ball or even watching everyone’s favorite cartoons. Sometimes he even “freezes” in time and space and, it seems, does not even hear the words addressed to him. And how can he not shout?
The fact is that his innate task is to understand the intangible world. If developed correctly, he could become Mozart or Einstein, Kant or Tsiolkovsky. But screaming for a sound engineer is like a bulldozer for a flower bed: it destroys neural connections in the brain that are responsible for development. But the unconscious desire remains, and the possibilities are destroyed. By whom? Parents who want the best for their child. The result is hatred and drug addiction.
Adult problems as a source of negative feelings
Often, the relationship between parents and child begins to deteriorate suddenly, and, at first glance, for no apparent reason. This can happen due to the following nuances in communication between generations:
- mom and dad are unhappy with the child’s success in his career or personal life;
- parents continue to perceive a matured person as an inexperienced child;
- parents too actively instill their opinions, try to interfere in a person’s entire affairs;
- mom and dad prevent the child from building a personal life;
- the older generation demands excessive financial support or too much attention from the older child.
“I hate my parents because they are overprotective” - family psychologists are constantly addressed with this problem. Mom and dad can't come to terms with the fact that their child has grown up. They continue to call him several times a day, dictate who the person should communicate with and how he should dress. Such restrictions accumulate and give rise to large-scale conflict.
That is why parents need to always remember about the age of their child, his life needs and the right to independence.
Very often, conflict in the family arises with the arrival of a new person. The son brings his beloved into the house, which does not suit the parents at all. The daughter is trying to build a relationship with a man, but mom and dad interfere in this process with their advice. As a result, tension increases in the family nest.
How to overcome children's grievances towards their father?
“I hate my father because he did not provide for our family.” “I hate him for betraying and running away from us.” “I hate that drunkard.” “I remember how he beat my mother, and I could not do anything, I could not protect her. I hate it."
All these statements are typical of a child who needs a father. If you are 18 years of age or older, you are already an adult. You have grown up and are no longer dependent on your father. A new stage of life has begun, where you will soon become a parent yourself. You need to prepare for this in every possible way: master a profession, get a job, choose a good partner to start a family.
Why continue to hate your father? The past cannot be changed. Good or bad, it is part of you. All traumatic events played a role in the development of your personality. These character traits need to be identified and learned to be used for good.
Practical task. Stay alone and quiet and replay the most traumatic events from your childhood. Imagine that they are happening not to you, but to your child. Try to calm and comfort this baby. Explain to him, to the best of your ability, why this is all happening to him.
Author's advice. Unfortunately, good fathers are rare. Thousands of children grow up in single-parent families, in orphanages, are exposed to violence, and every day they see their father drinking and beating their mother. This experience is traumatic, to be sure, but it provides an opportunity to learn valuable lessons. A lesson in what you should never do.
Throw out the negativity and forgive
Hatred combines many different feelings. This is resentment, disappointment, contempt, anger, self-pity. In order for them to stop ruining life, it is important to give hatred an outlet. How to do it:
- Print out a photo of your father and attach it to your pillow.
- Tell him everything that's boiling over. Tell me how he hurt you.
- Call him names, scold him, beat the pillow with his image on it, cry.
- Continue the session until the resentment and anger dry up and an emptiness forms inside.
Sometimes several sessions may be required. Repeat them day after day, many times, until you feel that you are no longer able to be angry. When you notice a significant relief from negativity, check your condition with a small test. Introduce your father and say, “I forgive you.” If the phrase comes easily, then you can stop beating the pillow. It's time to move on.
Hate in adolescence
Relationships between parents and teenagers are rarely ideal. From about 12-13 years old, children begin to mature. They want to learn and “conquer” this world, to test their strength.
Many parents don’t understand this and begin to punish and impose restrictions even worse than before: “no partying”, “if you’re late for a minute, you’ll have to sit at home for a week”, “just try to bring a bad mark, I’ll flog you”, “if you didn’t clean your room, that means you’ll be left without a computer.” and a tablet." Fathers are especially unrestrained in terms of educational measures. They do not understand that it is too late to punish a child at this age. At a minimum, he will hate his parents, and at maximum, he will completely run away from home.
In such a situation, you need to work with both the parents and the child. The father must learn to be a friend, mentor, example, and the mother must learn to be an assistant and friend. The teenager, in turn, needs to try to be more restrained, treat his parents with respect, listen and trust.
Probably, in some ideal world, every child lives in a complete family with a loving father and mother. But in reality the situation is different. That is life. You need to accept your imperfect relationship with your father as a given and, if possible, try to change it.
Lada, Vyshny Volochyok
reasons for this condition and what to do?
Category: Personality Psychology Published November 20, 2017 · Comments: 0 · Reading time: 6 min · Views:
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Man is a social being. This is an indisputable fact. But there are people who are burdened by communication and a large number of people in general. Such a person is called a misanthrope. He adheres to the main principle of his life - “I hate people” - and does everything to avoid close contact with them. Sometimes such a life position is a consequence of some kind of phobia, for example, social phobia. And sometimes it simply becomes a philosophy of life.
I feel good about negativity
There are flowers that love the sun. And there are those who prefer shaded areas. By analogy, most people enjoy positive interactions with others. But misanthropes, on the contrary, derive pleasure from hatred. But that's not the main point. Such individuals firmly believe that all interpersonal relationships are built on obvious or hidden hatred, and such concepts as love, devotion, affection are just a beautiful invention of writers and poets. Why lie and pretend? You can be frank and just “not love.”
History knows examples of famous “unsociable people” who at the same time conquered the world. These include A. Schopenhauer, A. Gordon, A. Malygin and many others.
Why does hatred appear?
There are many factors that contribute to the emergence of misanthropy. Let's try to describe only the most common options.
- Any criticism is untrue. There are people who are so insecure that any criticism from the outside simply causes a storm of emotions in them and can prevent them from getting back to work for a long time. Therefore, it is easier for such individuals to simply isolate themselves from the whole world, so as not to hear or experience even an ounce of negativity (or what they took for it).
- It’s painful to notice your own “speck”; it’s better to discuss someone else’s “log”. Now we will not discuss what caused the inferiority complex in barefoot childhood. But working with this feeling, and with childhood psychotrauma itself, can sometimes be extremely painful. What is the way out? It’s about “throwing mud” at others and noting for yourself all the shortcomings of those around you. After all, you can feel better not only by trying to develop yourself, but also by humiliating others.
- If I'm so smart, why am I so poor? Often misanthropy is caused by banal envy. It doesn’t matter what: external data, success, material condition. But I don’t want to make any effort or admit to myself that I’m such a banal “green toad.” Therefore, it is better to change the concepts when talking about hatred in general.
- Who are the judges? Often attacks of hatred depend on the characteristics of upbringing. Let’s imagine an elderly grandmother who, due to current circumstances, is forced to raise her grandchildren herself. Seeing luxury cars and expensive clothes of other people, she projects her pain and fatigue, calling them “thieves”, “bandits” or “prostitutes”. Because, in her opinion, it is impossible to earn such “money” through honest work. This way, the grandchildren will adopt the same attitude towards others. And possible insults in the class will only aggravate hatred of people. A classic example is the story of two brothers - bandits and murderers who committed their atrocities over the course of three years. When, after their capture, they were asked about the reasons for this behavior, they replied that their mother, a former noblewoman, pointing to steamships and ancient palaces, constantly inspired them that if it weren’t for “all these little people” who took away their entire fortune in 17 , then now they would live the way it was intended for them - they would bathe in luxury and opportunity. Naturally, along with painful self-esteem, she instilled in her children a burning hatred of other people.
