SEEDS OF REJECTION
I grew up in a wonderful, godly Christian family, but something similar happened to me. I once considered myself worse than everyone else, although I had no reason for this. When I was in high school, I became seriously ill and missed classes for an extended period of time. I was especially upset about mathematics. Due to illness, I missed most of the important material that other students were learning. When I finally returned to school, I was already quite behind everyone else.
When, having recovered, I came to my first algebra lesson, the teacher laughed at me because I did not understand the basic rules of mathematics, which all the other students seemed to have mastered quite well. I tried to explain my situation to her, and in response she called me stupid. And every time she did roll call, she called me not by name, but “stupid Renner,” and I always answered: “Here.”
Strategy #1: Acknowledge the pain.
Those feelings that we want to escape from will still haunt us until they find a way out. Rejection is hard to handle. After all, each of us rightfully considers himself the best and, in principle, irreplaceable. At least for the person who initiated the rejection. It is not easy to admit that we mean nothing to our own parents or to realize that for a spouse who has shown love and respect for years, we are now just an empty place.
But the more we avoid the pain of these feelings, the more they will dominate us. Therefore, the best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to acknowledge your experiences. This is not done at once. It’s just that whenever emotions come up, you should tell yourself: “Yes, I don’t mean anything to this person. And that's normal. There's nothing wrong with that for me. Life goes on". It is important not just to say such words, but also to believe in them with your heart.
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IN PRISON"
The teacher’s words hit my self-esteem hard and had a very bad effect on my self-image. My classmates laughed at me, they were amused, calling me stupid. This terrible word became my nickname, which many students called me.
It seemed to me that from everywhere in school they were shouting at me: “Hey, stupid!” This label gave me such a deep sense of inferiority that it hurt me even years later, long after I had mastered the algebra material I had missed. I think that every person at one time or another in their life felt unwanted and rejected. Some people recovered from this, while others are kept by the devil in a prison of pain and suffering for the rest of their lives, using these memories. These people never feel needed or desired and consider themselves inferior to others. They live in a constant feeling that they “fall short”, no matter what they have already achieved in their lives and no matter how successful they have become. They live with this wound their whole lives. But it is not God’s will for them to live like this!
Emotional acceptance and rejection of a child (p. 1)
Emotional acceptance and rejection of a child
«Unconditional acceptance is a principle without which all attempts to improve relationships with a child are unsuccessful.
»
Among the global problems of humanity, which are most acutely manifesting themselves in the new, 21st century, the mental health of children occupies a special place. According to experts from the World Health Organization, mental health disorders are associated not only with somatic diseases or physical development defects, but also with various unfavorable environmental and stress factors. These factors directly affect the psyche and are stimulated by social conditions, which confirms the influence of the immediate environment, including the family, on the child’s health and emotional well-being.
Love for a child - emotional closeness and mutual understanding - is not an innate ability of a mother and father and does not appear by magic with the birth (adoption) of a child, the creation of a foster family or a family-type orphanage. The ability to love him is formed in the practice of parenthood, in the process of joint activity and communication with the child, bringing the mother and father a feeling of happiness, fullness of self-realization and self-completion. On the contrary, the experience of “unlove” and rejection of a child causes severe emotional and personal disorders in the parent (substitute parent) - guilt, depression, anxiety and fears, violations of the self-concept in the form of self-sacrifice and low self-esteem. Therefore, in such cases, the strategy of psychological assistance to the family is built as a consistent solution to the following tasks:
— stabilization of the emotional state of the parent (substitute parent);
- awareness of the child’s rejection and objectification of the reasons and mechanism for the formation of dislike for him;
- overcoming feelings of guilt;
— optimization of communication and cooperation with the child;
— increasing the level of empathy, emotional understanding and affection in the parent-child dyad.
In the continuum of meanings of the emotional attitude of a parent to a child, several options for relationships can be distinguished, from the unconditionally positive to the openly negative pole.
Unconditional emotional acceptance of the child
(love and affection “no matter what”).
Unconditional acceptance involves the parent's differentiation of the child's personality and behavior. A negative assessment and condemnation by a parent of specific actions and actions of a child does not entail a denial of his emotional significance and a decrease in the self-worth of his personality for the parent. This type of emotional relationship is most favorable for the development of the child’s personality, since it ensures full satisfaction of the child’s needs for safety, love, care and affiliation in relations with parents. Affiliation the
English
affiliation
“connection, connection”) is the desire to be in the company of other people, the human need to create warm, trusting, emotionally significant relationships with other people. The formation of this need is determined by the nature of relationships with parents in early childhood, with peers, and can be disrupted when provoking situations associated with anxiety and self-doubt and leading to feelings of loneliness and helplessness. At the same time, the company of other people allows you to check the chosen method of behavior and the nature of reactions to a difficult and dangerous situation. To a certain extent, the proximity of others leads to a direct reduction in anxiety, mitigating the effects of physiological and psychological stress. Blocking affiliation causes feelings such as loneliness, alienation, and frustration.
Conditional emotional acceptance
(love conditioned by the child’s achievements, merits, behavior). In this case, the child must earn the love of the parent through his successes, exemplary behavior, and fulfillment of requirements. Love acts as a benefit, a reward that is not given by itself, but requires work and effort. Deprivation of parental love is a fairly frequently used type of punishment in such cases. This type of parental attitude provokes anxiety and uncertainty in the child.
Ambivalent emotional attitude towards the child (a combination of positive and negative feelings, hostility and love).
Indifferent attitude (indifference, emotional coldness, distance, low empathy). This position is based on the immaturity of the maternal position, the infantilism and personal immaturity of the parent himself.
Hidden emotional rejection
(ignoring, emotionally negative attitude towards the child). Since hostility towards children is a feeling that is considered bad and condemned by others, it takes hidden forms. This does not mean that adults cynically and thoughtfully disguise themselves - no, they unconsciously suppress hostility towards the child as an unworthy feeling, and do not admit it even to themselves. Through the forces of reason and will, parents suppress emotional rejection of their children as unworthy and usually even reveal overcompensation in the form of emphasized care and exaggerated attention. However, a child, and especially a teenager, feels artificially forced by such care and attention and feels a lack of sincere emotional warmth.
Such hidden emotional rejection can be expressed in the parents’ indifference to the teenager and little attention to his inner life. But precisely those parental concerns (control, attention, interest), the lack of which could reveal such dislike to others, turn out to be outwardly exaggerated, emphasized, downright demonstrative. Adults carefully monitor how the teenager is dressed, punctually monitor his daily routine, etc. But, despite all the adult’s tricks, the child unmistakably recognizes the artificiality of this care. Such ostentatious, external attention affects him even worse than outright indifference.
Open emotional rejection of a child
.
(“ It would be better if you weren’t
”). Parents do not always love their children. It may be unwanted, accidentally born. His birth may be associated with the desire to be like everyone else (“Everyone has children, well, let us have them too”), the desire to receive some benefits in life, to consolidate a marriage, to apply for expanded living space, to receive an inheritance, to receive social benefits. Such parents do not feel warmth and love for their child in their hearts. The child in such families is made to understand that he is not the most desirable person in the family. They not only impose on him countless instructions that no one would be able to fulfill, but they also try to make him feel how bad he is and how those around him suffer from him (“the role of Cinderella”). Parents, of course, cannot admit that everything is caused by hostility towards the child, so such coldness is given the appearance of a “pedagogical principle”: “Under no circumstances should you caress, they will talk.” Or: “Difficulty has never hurt anyone.” And also “Before, adults were afraid, and children were more obedient.” With this type of upbringing, the child and teenager constantly feel that they are burdened, that he is a burden in the life of his parents, that without him they would be better off, freer and more at ease. The situation is even more aggravated when there is someone else nearby - a brother or sister, especially a stepfather or stepmother, who is much more dear and beloved. The position of a less loved and unwanted family member affects adolescents with different character types differently. With hyperthymic and epileptoid accentuations, the reaction of emancipation clearly appears: the first of them fight for independence and freedom, the second for property rights. Hysteroids in these cases in adolescence continue to reveal a pronounced childish reaction of opposition. And although the forms of its detection change with age, all actions: incomprehensible thefts, ostentatious interest in alcohol and other intoxicating drugs, suicidal demonstrations, and self-incriminations of debauchery - are used as signals to relatives, as demands for attention, love and care. Other hysterics, despairing of trying to attract love, plunge into a fantasy world or begin to seek attention on the side. Schizoids react to such a situation, as well as to other difficulties in life, by withdrawing into themselves, erecting a spiritual wall between themselves and a family that does not love them. Unstable people are not inclined to grieve the emotional rejection of loved ones; they are already looking for an outlet in teenage companies.
In such a family, adults are sure: the child is growing up “not the way they wanted (does not meet their expectations, does not live up to their hopes). And to his real (transient age-related) imperfections, many different shortcomings and flaws are attributed, his weaknesses are exaggerated. The essays “My Child,” which are written at the request of a psychologist by parents experiencing difficulties in communicating with their children, sometimes resemble indictments with the mercilessness of the tone and the abundance of listed offenses: “ Pathological lack of will..
.”, “I
haven’t seen anyone as slow as him...
,” “
Phenomenally lazy, growing up as a slacker, doing everything under pressure...
”
The situation in families where there is parental rejection is truly dramatic. Parental love there ceases to be something reliable for the child, it becomes unsteady, conditional: you will
«
“be a good boy” - we will love you, if you don’t, there will be no love. And the child has nothing to rely on mentally, emotionally
.
Emotional rejection poses the greatest danger for sensitive children capable of deep affection. They may experience severe suffering - to the point of deep depression, depression, and unwillingness to live. For other teenagers who are determined to communicate with their peers, the connection with home is already weakening, and the coldness of loved ones does not upset them so much - they will find recognition in their companies. Closed children, who do not know a strong need for communication, fence off their inner world with a “wall of alienation.”
The consequences of emotional rejection are equally unfavorable for those who are accustomed to being the center of attention of loved ones and suddenly lose it: the father died, the stepfather came to the family, another child appeared; transferred from one school to another, where his studies became noticeably worse, etc. Under these conditions, the “outcasts” will look for an opportunity to show themselves; they can commit desperate, shocking acts, sometimes even resorting to inventions, slandering themselves, just to get the attention of others again.
| Due to its large volume, this material is placed on several pages: 1 |
THERE WILL BE A REASON!
I'm grateful that what happened to me in high school didn't have a lasting impact on my life. Now I even laugh about it. But since school, I have had more than one reason to feel rejected. For example, when my family and I moved to the former Soviet Union in 1991, we began to put our hearts into our business. We devoted our money, energy and almost all our strength to the creation of churches, the broadcast of God's Word on television and the spiritual development of people living in this region of the world. But again and again I was stunned by newspaper articles denigrating me and my ministry, calling us criminals, cult leaders, a dangerous cult, etc.
THERE IS A WAY OUT!
No matter who we are, we are all sometimes treated unfairly, dishonestly, wrongly, and cause us pain. Therefore, it is important to decide in advance how we will respond to situations that make us feel inferior, unappreciated, unloved, unwanted or rejected.
Personally, when I have been abandoned by friends, rejected by the world or even by certain believers, I have always turned to one verse of Scripture and it has given me strength. It says, “God has chosen the base things of the world, the base things, and the base things...” (1 Corinthians 1:28). Paul wrote this verse to the believers of the city of Corinth, who were considered outcasts and fools by the unbelieving society. These people did not accept the Christian faith. And instead of trying to understand, they simply decided that Christians are stupid and have no place in their society. They treated Christians with such disdain that, as Paul relates in his letter, they humiliated the Corinthian church.
OPINION OF THE WORLD
The Greek word exoutheneo, which Paul used in 1 Corinthians 1:28, means “to disparage,” as well as not to take seriously, to despise, to disrespect, to despise, to disregard. It describes someone who is so bad and disgusting that he is considered terrible, repulsive, disgusting, sickening. In other words, this word describes a person whom people consider an outcast; he is so low in their eyes that he is neglected. They pretend it doesn't exist. They don't pay any attention to him and pass by.
GOD'S OPINION
But notice how Paul ends this verse: he boldly states that those whom the world rejects, God chooses! 1 Corinthians 1:28 can be translated from the Greek as follows: “God has chosen people who are mocked, and through them he brings into confusion those who think they are important and powerful. Those whom the world considers inferior, second-rate, unremarkable, mediocre, worthless, and so ordinary that in the eyes of the world they are not worthy of even the slightest attention—those are the people God chooses.”
Have you noticed that the lost, unbelieving world today either ridicules believers or ignores them, pretending that they do not exist? This is not a new phenomenon. The grammatical tense in 1 Corinthians 1:28 indicates that the lost world's bad opinion of believers will continue to be the same.
A collective example from life
Let's look at a classic example that helps us better understand the motives of those people who reject us. A woman with a certain set of psychological problems gets married and gives birth to a child - a girl, but after some time the unsuccessful marriage breaks up. Psycho-emotional difficulties prevent her from building a happy relationship. She does not know how to love herself, is too dependent on her former partner, spends her time and energy not on arranging her life, caring for her child and healing emotional wounds, but strives to find another person as soon as possible. After grieving a little, she finds herself another man and starts a family with him.
Thus, the new unit of society consists of a husband, wife, their common children and her eldest daughter. Over time, the girl grows up, and in the eyes of her mother she begins to compete with her stepfather. Naturally, the child does not receive special attention and love from the parent. The daughter has no idea why her mother is cold to her. The mother herself never admits to herself her motives, since this is the same as signing her own signature for her parental failure. What kind of mother would do this?
The cold, distant behavior of the parent inevitably affects the mental development of the child. Already as an adult, a daughter can understand her mother's motives through an analysis of her actions and words, carried out together with a family relations specialist. Understanding the motivation of the parent allows you to better understand the situation of the past, determine for yourself the reasons for the mother’s actions - and therefore, it will be much easier to forgive and let go of the rejecting loved one.
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GOD HAS ACCEPTED YOU!
Through your friends, colleagues, business partners, even family members or school teachers, the devil may try to ridicule or humiliate you. But do not allow the devil’s machinations against you to succeed. At such times, remember that Jesus, too, was “despised and despised of men” (see Isaiah 53:3). You are in good company with Jesus!
So, if the world makes fun of you or treats you with contempt, disdain, does not pay attention to you, ignores you, take heart! After all, you are exactly the person whom God wants to involve in the implementation of His grandiose plans! Through you He wants to reveal His mighty power to your friends, family, colleagues and the unbelieving world!
MAY THE BEST OF GOD COME INTO YOUR LIFE!
Please know that Denise and I and the ministry team at our church love you, care for you, and pray that all the wonderful and best that God has for you will come into your life. He has very special and absolutely good intentions for you (see Jeremiah 29:11). Find the path God has ordained for you and fulfill His purposes to His honor and glory.
If you have a specific need that you would like us to pray for, please contact us and let us know. We consider it a great honor to pray for what is on your heart. You can contact us on our website ignc.ru, by writing on the prayer wall, or by phone on weekdays during business hours.
Strategy #3: Understand the Rejector's Motives
Of course, it is completely impossible to replace such close people as father or mother, sister or friend. But reality often forces us to do this, since often even relatives, for certain reasons, do not want close relationships with us. Often we cannot even understand this motivation.
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