Among your friends there are probably people like that: with half-dropped shoulders, an eternally hunched back and a guilty expression on their face. It seems like they have a heavy invisible backpack attached to their back, tightening their muscles so much that even their smile turns crooked. This is understandable! If you look into your backpack, you won’t find anything there: responsibility for work, family, country, natural disasters, oil prices. When you carry the entire Universe on you, you will inevitably screw up somewhere. But seriously?
Always take responsibility for yourself, because no one will take responsibility for you. Tyra Banks
Reasons for hyper-responsibility
Is it bad to be a person responsible for your actions and words?
On the contrary, it's wonderful. Responsibility is an indicator of true, not passport adulthood. It is necessary - that means it is necessary! Said - done. These people make up a golden fund of irreplaceable professionals and inspired family men. Working with such a person is calm and reliable: he will always do everything on time, and he will also lend a shoulder to others. He’d rather not sleep an extra hour, but his home shop won’t let him down! A person with a heightened sense of responsibility will clearly not turn family life into a dump: his conscience will torture him! He will bring potatoes from the market in two hands, so that his relatives will not be destitute. He won’t go out with friends, even though he’s been planning to do it since winter, because there’s no one to sit with his cousin’s son. And, if this abstract person is also distinguished by great patience and a balanced disposition, those around him will enjoy it!
You don’t have to worry about the outcome of the case at all! Everything will be on top. Because a hyper-responsible comrade will work for himself and for that guy. But is it easy for him?
Are you carrying your own burden?
Who doesn’t know the Russian proverb “You can’t carry your own burden,” which has analogues in other languages. There is hardly much positive in a burden that pulls on your shoulders and slows down your movement. But if you carry it because it is yours, you or your loved ones need it, like air, like sunlight, like breath, the burden automatically becomes weightless. And it becomes joyful to carry, within one’s strength. And if it’s sad and difficult, maybe you got excited and took on something that doesn’t belong to you, and too much at that?
Sometimes I meet people who wonder: what to do if you feel like a hyper-responsible person and cannot relax, cannot miss something, entrust it to other people? What to do if this already causes internal discomfort and is reflected in unpleasant situations in life?
I am deeply convinced that there is nothing meaningless in life, and if a person is faced with some quality of his that brings difficulties, but at the same time cannot free himself from this quality, this indicates that there is some kind of bonus due to which the problem cannot yet be easily resolved.
If you are familiar with the feeling of living under time pressure, under a huge burden of responsibility, and the to-do list keeps growing and growing, and at the same time there is no return - there is no feeling of satisfaction or gratitude towards you, then I suggest that first of all you think about it - why are you so hyper-responsible?
Perhaps hyper-responsibility allows you to avoid reproaches for inaction? Or does it make you feel better than others? Or do you think that this is an indicator of your hereditary value (for example, your dad was so responsible)? Having found the answer to this question, having found your bonus, it will be easier for you to make decisions about each individual situation, for example, is it worth my time and effort to get involved in this matter in order to feel good - maybe I can already feel good Fine?
In addition, I want to say, this is an inevitable law of life, that if you are a tensely responsible person (if the stick is too much), it will always turn out that you will not have a safe space around you, there will always be irresponsible people around to maintain balance in life . Not people, but some circumstances will slow you down, we see similar examples all the time... All religions of the world have the following thesis - do not make yourself an idol, not a single quality of a person can be absolute.
You need to understand that there is nothing in life for which happiness and joy are worth sacrificing. Therefore, there are situations when, instead of going to a meeting that someone else needs, you need to just leave everything and lie at home with your favorite book.
What do we have to do?
You need to allow yourself to be irresponsible. Start by making a list of things you can NOT do right now. And write down what you want to do, but don’t do, because all your time is occupied with responsible matters.
Write down how many times a day you devote time to yourself, for a good mood and cheerfulness? How much attention do you pay to your body? Dancing? Gymnastics? A bath with aroma oil? At what moments are you a Woman (because responsibility, in the understanding that we are now discussing, is an inflection into a male quality). It is important that pleasant “useless” things take place in your life.
I know women who have ironed men's socks. And because of this, they had complaints against their man, because she does a lot of things, and even irons her socks! And when you ask the question: “Why are you doing this?”, it turns out that the man didn’t even ask for this, that she cannot help but do this, because she is hyper-accurate. It's the same with responsibility: you can't miss something or do something differently because you have such hyper-responsibility, and as a result, you don't live your life. At some point, you can easily find that 30% of things may not be done at all, and another 30% may be entrusted to other people who will be happy to take them on.
I have an example where a woman, exhausted by her husband’s indifference, for a long time could not trust her husband with any household chores, and then decided that he could buy certain products (3 types) and pick up things from the laundry. And at the very moment when she decided this, her husband called on the phone and said that he had picked up the things from the cleaners!
Don't take on responsibilities that other people might take on. Even if you know that you can do better than them, if you know that a person can cope with a task - let him do it!
And if you are being burdened with tasks, notice this, and think about how you can evade - you will be surprised to find that as your hyper-responsibility recedes, there will be fewer and fewer people willing to burden you!
So, 3 questions, the answers to which will help you change the situation:
- What am I trying to compensate for with hyper-responsibility?
- List of what I do (cross out what you don’t need to do and mark what you can entrust)
- A list of pleasures that you need to color your life with and consciously set aside time for them every day (at least 5 minutes for a palm massage or a foot bath).
Throughout all centuries, humanity has wondered about the meaning of life - it was once believed that people are born to fight for survival, to win, to become the strongest... It was once believed that the meaning of life is to plant a tree, raise a son, build a house...
And now we see that even people who have successfully achieved these goals do not feel satisfied, there is a need for something more! And now it is more obvious than ever that the meaning of life is only in happiness!
It makes sense to achieve all your affairs, all your goals in a joyful state, in a flow of inspiration, only then do they truly decorate our life and make it truly fulfilling.
I wish you success and ease in everything!
Where do the boundaries of responsibility end?
Trying to live their lives for others is a thankless and useless task. You will not be able to get your over-aged offspring off the couch and find a well-paid job if all his body movements are limited to lazy switching of TV channels. You are exhausted by worrying about your adult daughter, who is dating a married man, but she seems to be happy with everything.
Yes, it is painful and offensive, but this is her life. You understand that the husband with his talents clearly should have received the position of head of the department, but it happened differently, and he does not protest. And what can you change? At best, cause a scandal, and even then not to the boss. Yes, parents are getting old, and the feeling of guilt for what was said and not done strangles them with a prickly scarf so that it is impossible to simply fall asleep peacefully.
Maybe these nightly vigils will somehow reduce anxiety? Hardly! But to earn insomnia twice or twice. And the weather on the eve of the weekend so unexpectedly spoiled plans, so everyone is gloomy. But you're not happy either? Why do you think you should take on the role of house clown?
Coming from childhood: hyper-responsibility in a child
Where did this debilitating desire to be responsible for the fact that “the sun rises and sets” come from?
It's different for everyone. But I will not be mistaken if I say that usually even in childhood, fueled by the ambitious desires of the parents, the child strives to be correct and responsible, doing everything “from start to finish.” For some, family circumstances have placed a heavy burden on their backs - being a parent to their infantile fathers and mothers. So the poor little fellow had to reconcile his noisy “children,” admonish, listen, feel sorry for him and grow up beyond his years. You never know what difficult life stories there were? Yes, only childhood has passed, but the need to drag the Universe on oneself with all one’s strength remains.
Consequences: What are the dangers of hyper-responsibility?
It seems that hyper-responsible people are ready to solve all problems, except those that need to be tackled first and second.
These are situations and problems of one’s own life related to health, professional and personal development, mood and self-understanding. Refusal to realize one’s interests and needs is spiritual desertion, which will certainly make itself felt through treacherous illnesses and a feeling of inner emptiness. One morning, looking in the mirror, you can just see the tired look of a stranger. And you will have nothing to say to him.
Cancer and its causes. Hyper-responsibility. What is its danger?
Is hyper-responsibility good or bad? At first glance, it seems that it is good, because the keyword RESPONSIBILITY is present. But there is a saying: “Too good is also bad.” Here, we are talking about excessive responsibility, which only brings problems to a person.
It is interesting that, as a rule, overly responsible people are ready to do a lot for others, pushing aside their interests and life plans. Thus, they live not their own, but someone else’s life.
There is an interesting parable about talents in the Bible about this. Talents used to be called money that was used in ancient times, but the meaning that was invested in this parable is much broader. In short, this is what happened. The master, leaving for a long time in a foreign country, entrusted his estate to the slaves. To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one. To each according to his strength. And after that he immediately hit the road. The servant who received five talents invested them in business and acquired five more. Another slave, who received two talents, also invested in the business and acquired two more talents. The one who received one talent went and buried it, because he was afraid of the wrath of his master if he lost this talent. After some time, the master returned from his journey and called his servants to him. The master praised those who invested their talents in the business and multiplied them and told them the following: “Okay, you were faithful to me in small things, I will put you in charge of many things.” And he called the slave who buried the talent out of fear of his master a wicked and lazy slave and took the talent from him and gave it to the one who had ten talents. This is where the famous saying came from: “You can’t bury talent.”
As a rule, a hyper-responsible person acts this way. He “buries his talent” because he does not want to “increase”, that is, develop and improve himself. This behavior is manifested in the fact that people, not caring about their health, give themselves all to others, justifying this with dedication. Many of us like it, but the laws of life stop such people, since they do not need themselves. After all, the meaning of life lies precisely in using all the capabilities of your own physical body to improve yourself (“increase” your talents). And, if you care more about others than about yourself, then you simply do not allow them to develop themselves by overcoming difficulties.
Hyper-responsibility not only hinders self-realization, but also leads to serious health problems. A hyper-responsible person always has a secondary benefit from being like that. He expects to be praised and admired. But, unfortunately, in many cases the opposite happens, and instead of gratitude, people give him nasty things. Often, in such cases, a person develops enormous grief and resentment towards people, the meaning of life is lost, apathy arises and, against this background, he becomes depressed. This condition can be quite long-term and even permanent.
At the same time, an overly responsible person lives his entire life in a state of tension; he controls everything and everyone except himself.
All these properties of an overly responsible person are a direct path to illness, including cancer.
The author of the article is Doctor of Psychology, systems psychologist, oncopsychologist Vlad Svetoch
By
Difficult but important step
You need to understand that from time to time it is normal to experience difficulties, problems, and even the desire to “send everything to hell.” There are not enough straws to protect our dear people from harm. And we are just people: ordinary mortals with a limited amount of time on earth. We don't have the gift of foresight. And even if he was, another person has the right to act in his own way just because he is different. The choice of loved ones can surprise, upset and even shock. But we must admit: they have the right to do so.
How is over- and under-control related to anxiety?
The reason for excessive control is usually a lack of trust in the world and in oneself. And a frequent accompaniment of excessive control is a strong feeling of anxiety. It is precisely this that a person tries to compensate for by constantly checking everything and everyone.
Control partly solves the problem - at a specific moment. Once again making sure that everything is more or less in order, the person calms down - until the next panic attack. But the general feeling of constant anxiety does not go away. And of course, it does not have a very good effect on our character, health and general condition.
The reluctance to control anything, oddly enough, can also be associated with distrust. A person does not believe in his ability to change something so much that he prefers to pretend that he doesn’t want to. He adopts a falsely light outlook on his life, but this lightness is not real: in reality, the person has simply given up.
Read about the correct attitude towards fear and anxiety and how to get rid of anxiety in the article at the link.
Treatment, or how to get rid of hyper-responsibility
When we take responsibility for other people, we assume that they are not smart enough or experienced enough to solve their problem.
But this can only happen in one case: if a person is not fully capable due to his young or old age, as well as due to some illnesses. If this is not the case, transfer responsibility for your life to their owners. Do not cultivate pride that whispers to you about omnipotence. Just open up your heavy bag and start giving away what never belonged to you. Yes, there will be a storm of indignation, resentment and claims. You will be accused of selfishness and indifference. But you know for sure that helping a person take responsibility for his actions and even thoughts is love. By the way, this concerns you primarily.
Remizova Liana · May 23, 2016
Hypercontrol: how to get rid of it
What to do to get rid of the desire to control everything and everyone. By the way, this information is useful for everyone, even if hypercontrol is not typical for you.
Well, let's get started!
Massage
Hypercontrol and constant tension always take their toll on the body. First of all, the back, shoulder girdle, and knees suffer. What to do? Massage is your friend (at least 2-3 courses). For me, working in an office in a managerial position did not pass me by, and my massage therapist and I are still dealing with the consequences.
There is also a great exercise for trust and relaxation
when you just lie down on the water and relax (I do this in the farthest corner of the pool and enjoy it). You need to lie down for at least 20 minutes at a time!
All doubles sports
it’s also about trust and relaxation, when you need to trust your partner and/or coach, and not rely only on yourself.
- At one time, scuba diving really helped my client. There, in principle, you can’t control anything and you need to trust the instructor.
Hot air balloon flights there too.
Build new neural connections in your head
How? Break the patterns! For example, are you used to studying the hotel you plan to stay in under a microscope? Do you constantly read all 100,500 reviews about it and if at least 1% are negative, then look for a new hotel? Then let go of the situation and move into a place where there are simply beautiful photos, the sea is close and the price suits you.
I call the next method “Don’t care, girls, let’s dance”
You know, sometimes there are situations that you have no control over at all, but you still hang around like a fish on a hook and get nervous. For example, a flight was canceled or something like that. Can you influence this? No. Then why be nervous and torment yourself? A clogged bolt is a guarantee of health.
All these actions are very difficult for people who are accustomed to controlling everyone and everything, and therefore choose sports where not everything depends on you and, willy-nilly, you will have to rely on someone - this takes you out of your comfort zone.
