Recommendations for parents "Shy children. How to help"

How to raise a beech tree

You may be surprised, but people are not born shy, they are made. There are four main parenting strategies that contribute to the development of this quality in a child.

1. Military discipline. Tight control is a guarantee that the baby will grow up timid and passive. Each parent’s remark inspires the child with the idea of the insignificance or even inadequacy of his own actions. Almost half a century ago, American psychologist Martin Seligman conducted an interesting experiment on dogs. The animals were shocked with a weak electric current, making it impossible for them to escape. After some time, the dogs had a chance to escape, but out of habit they continued to remain inactive. This behavior is called “learned helplessness syndrome,” and, unfortunately, it is not limited to four-legged animals.

If the baby constantly hears abrupt commands “Don’t run!”, “Don’t touch!” etc., then he unconsciously concludes that adults do not approve of any manifestations of his curiosity and activity, and as a result, stops demonstrating them. Any attempt by a parent to cheer up a quiet child is perceived as another act of control. A familiar scene: a timid child, frozen with a gift in his hands, finds himself in the crossfire of advice - how to open the box, what to say to generous guests, etc. The culprit of the commotion knows very well what will happen if he carelessly unwraps the packaging in front of the adults, so he barely audibly babbles “thank you” and hides in his room.

Work on mistakes. Military parents should take note: you cannot reproach your child for shyness and at the same time demand obedience from him! The contradiction is eliminated by increasing the number of situations in which the principle applies: “If you can’t, but you really want to, then you can.” Draw on wallpaper? Please! Just not on those on the wall, but on the remnants of the roll spread on the floor. Splash through puddles, raising fountains of splashes? To your health, but only in rubber boots. The kid quickly realizes that by taking reasonable precautions, any idea can be realized.

2. An apple from an apple tree. If parents are used to restraining emotions and are not good at communicating themselves, the child simply has nowhere to learn communication skills. At the same time, mothers and fathers with a “Nordic” character often tend to blame everyone in the world for a lack of sensitivity and attention to their child. On the one hand, they provide the child with emotional support, on the other hand, they create in the child the confidence that the world is unkindly disposed towards him. It happens that parents deliberately limit their child’s contacts with peers, trying to protect him from all sorts of troubles. In winter, you can’t go to children’s performances, because it’s easy to catch some kind of virus there. And in the summer everyone rides bicycles and can knock down a sluggish little one, so it’s better to walk alone and on the sidelines. As a result, the child’s ability to communicate with peers is developed in about the same way as the skills of caring for elephants - after all, he saw both of them at a respectful distance from the fence of a kindergarten or zoo.

Work on mistakes. If you are a sociopathic parent, then “there is no point in blaming the mirror”! You absolutely need to expand your shy child's social circle. You will have to make sacrifices like inviting guests and try to maintain the smile of the enlightened, even when the little followers of Mamai are racing in the corridor. Having felt your sincere goodwill towards other children (valerian helps to achieve the desired state), the child will also be able to overcome the pressure.

3. Marathon running. Active and sociable adults, for whom it is not difficult to win over anyone, are simply not able to understand the full depth of the experiences of a shy offspring. Is it really so difficult to say “hello” to a doctor in a clinic or, for example, to ask “that girl over there” for a spatula? Is he kidding me, or what? Parents take action - and the measures they take to develop their child's communication skills are usually quite straightforward. The child is enrolled in an acting studio, forced to perform in public and independently resolve conflicts with peers. It is especially difficult for those children whose fathers and mothers have had successful careers. A lively father-lawyer, for example, becomes uneasy at the thought that his quiet son will not be able to adequately speak at court hearings in the future.

Work on mistakes. It is necessary to recognize the child’s right to individual character traits. The ability to briefly express thoughts and force others to catch every word spoken in a quiet voice is as worthy of respect as the ability to sing like a nightingale. Therefore, instead of a stage speech club, it is better to take your “mouse” to macrame classes. If your child has a conflict with his peers, do not be afraid to take on the functions of advisors and under no circumstances allow the child to be put under pressure. At the same time, it is important to understand that competent mediation is when you loudly repeat to the offender what the child muttered quietly, and do not express your own comments.

4. Refined medium. A boy or girl with big glasses and a book under his arm is a comic character in many works. As a rule, such children are raised by their grandmother or parents, who themselves were once raised by grandmothers. When leaving the threshold of his parents' house, the child encounters such an unusual environment that he feels completely disorientated. Let’s say a boy is convinced every day that his jacket of a “non-staining” color, sewn according to patterns from the era of stagnation at the Ivanovo factory, is the standard of quality, and everything that is produced now is completely synthetic.

A child comes to kindergarten and experiences a storm of conflicting feelings, because all his peers look so cute in bright, “harmful” clothes.

Work on mistakes. To bring the baby closer to reality, adults will have to sacrifice a significant part of their life attitudes. When telling your toddler about something, you should emphasize that there are a variety of opinions - and they all have the right to exist. Let's say, some mothers walk with their child in any weather so that he grows up hardened, while others stay at home in the rain and snow, but as a result, in both families the children grow up healthy. Having learned that there may be several “correct” options for the development of events, the child will get rid of his wariness.

Diagnosis: chronically shy Shyness is not chicken pox, which never returns after recovery. Parents need to prepare for the fact that their struggling child will face this problem both in adolescence and in adulthood. A survey conducted by American psychologist Philip Zimbardo found that more than 80% of adults say they were shy at one point in their lives, about 40% consider themselves shy at present, and about 25% say they are “chronically shy.” We can conclude: the experience of overcoming internal barriers gained in childhood will definitely be useful to the child in the future.

Parents' mistakes

A timid, modest child is easily hurt. He closes himself off from others, but hears and understands everything. Sometimes relatives and friends without realizing it provoke his shy behavior.

The desire to remake the child. Adults deliberately create situations that the baby fears the most. They focus attention on the problem, discuss it out loud, and ask them to recite a poem in public. For a shy little one, this is stressful. The effect will be the opposite of what was expected. The child will close himself off even more and stop trusting his parents.
They don't pay attention. “That’s what we have!” or “When he grows up, he will change!” Ignoring is also a mistake. The situation will not change on its own. This will develop into a complex that he will not be able to cope with on his own. The baby may remain shy, lonely and unhappy for the rest of his life.
Expecting a quick effect. Even if you follow all the rules and precautions, do not expect quick results. The child needs time. In each specific case individually. There is no need to force things. Create conditions, encourage the slightest achievements and his first independent attempts. Be your child's friend!

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What you absolutely cannot do

Criticize.
Compare with other children.
Shame in public.
Focus on the problem.

Many people's complexes are rooted in childhood. Therefore, the responsibility for timely assistance to a little loved one falls on the shoulders of parents. The sooner an adult pays attention and helps the baby, the easier and faster the child will overcome the “shy” stage of development.

How to develop sociability

From an early age, tell your child stories that intertwine reality with fantasy. Their main character should be your child. Let the story begin in some familiar place, but embellish the reality. Beyond the high mountains, over which no eagle can fly, beyond the wide seas in which white sharks and sirens swim, lies the city... Let other family members become participants in the fairy tale, just change their names slightly. There must be a big problem in history that your strong, brave, smart and beautiful child will eventually solve. Writing such stories together helps the child to believe in himself, teaches him to be the center of attention and not be afraid to act.

The second way to develop sociability is for a shy child to play with a younger child. This is proven by an experiment conducted by psychologists at the University of Minnesota. Scientists have concluded that playing with young children allows a timid child to demonstrate and realize his leadership qualities.

Shyness at school

Even self-confident and sociable children depend on the environment at school and the teacher’s attitude towards them. Shy children need to understand that they are no different from other kids in the group. Not every teacher knows that such children need to be shown proper attention: talk about everyday topics, but not touch on topics that may cause embarrassment. If shyness affects studies, it is better to establish contact with such a child outside of class hours. For example, ask him for help after class.

It is necessary to assure him in a calm atmosphere that he can ask questions about his studies without fear. In children's groups, where the competitive element is kept to a minimum, and help and attention to each other come first, problems usually do not arise even for very timid schoolchildren.

No matter how wise your child’s teacher is, once school begins, shyness (if any) becomes a dominant personality trait.

Moreover, if the teacher prefers that “the children be seen but not heard,” shyness will manifest itself more and more, since it will be approved by the teacher. Today, school is a place where they demand a lot from children, criticizing them for their mistakes. The main disadvantage here is that the child behaves like a child. Very often, such an environment comes as a shock to a first-grader. Sometimes teachers try to rehabilitate a quiet person and do it in the worst possible way.

Zimbardo criticizes the school system. He argues that the school is determined to produce passive and obedient citizens. Children's attention from the natural state of “here and now” is constantly directed to an uncertain future, for the sake of which they need to study well.

A shy child already thinks too much about the consequences of his actions. His mild anxiety quickly develops into fear and anxiety, and it is difficult for such a child to enjoy the moment. The pleasure of learning is replaced by a system of external rewards for completing someone else’s task on someone else’s terms, which in no way contributes to the child’s developing an objective and prosperous attitude towards himself.

To be successful in school, parents must always be on the side of the child. Do not use the word “shy” in a conversation with the teacher, but call your child calm, reasonable, and attentive. Never accept the label “laggard,” much less “retarded.” And always remember that a teacher can make mistakes.

Shy teenager

Shyness can make adolescence the worst time of your life. Popularity at school is more important than grades, and it is the lack of it that makes a shy teenager suffer even more. Girls are especially susceptible to suffering, from whom amazing beauty is demanded from an early age. And if a girl does not look like the ideal accepted in the school company, she is in a state of constant dissatisfaction with herself and irritation. Shy teenagers are twice as likely to start drinking alcohol and smoking than their more confident peers. They consider alcohol and drugs a means of getting rid of their own shyness.

Parents can help a teenager, but this will require patience. Your child can be affectionate and flexible today, but tomorrow forget all the persuasion and promises. Zimbardo talks in detail about the issues that affect a teenager. At the same time, adults may not even suspect that unfashionable trousers or mild skin rashes can make him unhappy. And if in elementary school you closely monitored the behavior of everyone around your child, then in high school, reduce control to a minimum.

On the baby's side

Many adults mistakenly believe that shyness is a consequence of low self-esteem. Nothing like this! The child considers himself good, he simply doubts that others treat him positively. Excessive concern about how others evaluate his actions prevents the child from enjoying the game or fully immersing himself in the content of the activities. He wants to communicate, expects praise, but at the same time experiences great internal tension, he is afraid to spontaneously show emotions. So, for example, at a children's party, a quiet person may warily watch the games of peers led by a clown, flatly refusing to join. When everyone is called to the table, the baby will begin to cry and demand that the fun continue: after all, he has just gotten ready to dance in a circle! Trusting others and not being afraid of your own feelings is incredibly difficult. In this matter, the child needs a reliable assistant - you will be him.

Come up with a universal phrase with which you will respond to comments from others about your baby’s shyness. For example: “He needs time to get used to it” or “He just doesn’t like to rush.” The heir must be sure that mom and dad are always on his side.

Avoid situations in which your child has to compete with someone else. If you want your child to take part in competitions, perform together with him, as one team. When seeking obedience from your child, do not compare his actions with the behavior of other children.

Do not dissuade your little one if he wants to try something new, even if unusual experiences, in your opinion, are associated with the risk of wasting time, getting dirty, etc.

A timid child has reasons not to trust people. After all, they can call you names!

Play noisy games at home

Let the baby run, scream, make faces and do other “terrible” things from the point of view of the neighbors below. This way the quiet one will learn to freely express emotions and rehearse his behavior for future similar fun with peers.

Emphasize your interest in the process, not the result, when starting any activity. For example, if you need to make an elephant, ask your child to check whether the plasticine crumples well, how the colors combine, etc.

There is contact!

By limiting himself in communication, a shy child finds himself in a vicious circle, because he does not receive the necessary experience, which in the future will help him find a way out of difficult life situations. It is important to explain to the shy guy how to properly establish contacts with people.

Teach your child to look your interlocutor in the eyes. Say, for example, that he has wonderful eyes, and everyone enjoys looking at such beauty while talking. And other people, by the way, also like it when people pay attention to their eyes. To reinforce the skill, play staring contest with your child.

Together, come up with a few phrases that are convenient to start and end a conversation with. Using toys, role-play situations in which the baby most often gets lost. Let the doll be, for example, a strict teacher, and the hare be a frightened student. During the game, it is useful to change the usual roles so that the little shy person feels like he is in the place of a lively adult. To practice conversation skills, use the help of friends and relatives - let them talk to your child on the phone from time to time.

When going to an unfamiliar place, tell your child in detail and enthusiastically about what he will see and who he will need to communicate with.

Encourage your quiet one to socialize with younger children or equally shy peers. With them, the baby will quickly get used to feeling safe during a conversation.

Is it worth paying attention?

On the one hand, modesty gives a girl charm.
A shy boy cannot be called annoying, pushy or arrogant. These are sympathetic and friendly people, they will always listen and come to the rescue. Shy girls and boys make true friends. On the other hand, it can be a disaster when a child is not able to communicate normally with children, play with them, or make friends. He is frightened by new people and surroundings. The kid is worried, but he can’t help himself.

These small problems grow into huge ones in the future. Shy people often remain lonely, it is difficult for them to find a soul mate and start a family. Because of their timidity and constraint, they are invisible and unsuccessful.

Man is a social being. He cannot live outside of society. And it is the duty of adults to help such a child. That is, teach how to interact with people. And it’s better to start doing this in early childhood.

Psychology: Shy children

Shyness and indecision in modern life are, if not a flaw, then certainly a character trait that interferes in many ways. Where does excessive shyness come from in children, and how can we help the child?

Signs of Shyness

A shy child is easy to pick out from the crowd. When visiting, he does not leave his mother’s side, hides behind her back, remains silent. Where all the children are playing, this little one sits quietly on the sidelines and sadly watches.

General signs. Rapid pulse, muscle tension, profuse sweating, bright blush are the first symptoms. They constrain the baby and do not allow him to relax. As a result, the child feels severe discomfort. This is accompanied by a quiet voice, excessive excitement, if attention is paid to it. The kid is cautious in his actions. It’s easier for him not to do anything at all in order to remain invisible.
Self-criticism. Such children are overly demanding of themselves. They consider themselves worse than others, inferior. This applies to both appearance and behavior. As a result of complexes, they become even more distant from people.
Closedness. Closed children in any group. It is difficult to get them to talk or involve them in social activities. They try to remain silent when asked; they prefer loneliness to fun games.
Shyness. Any child will be happy when he is praised, but not this little one. It is easier for him to remain in the shadows than to receive a portion of a little attention. Public praise is stressful for him.
Shyness. Fear of novelty and public. New people, places, any unfamiliar situation. The baby tries to get away from her, to hide. He feels calm only in familiar surroundings.
Indecisiveness. It is difficult for such a child to make decisions. He feels insecure about his own actions and thoughts. He is tormented by doubts: whether he is doing the right thing or not. Even small tasks cause huge difficulties.
Speech impairment. In ordinary life, these children are uncommunicative; they do not talk to strangers - they are shy. Speaking in public is contraindicated for them. Fear and anxiety can lead to stuttering and hesitation in speech.

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Where does shyness come from?

To help a child overcome excessive modesty and uncertainty, you need to know the reason for its origin. Sometimes, by eliminating the source, the problem itself disappears.

Heredity. If close relatives in the family, including parents, suffered from shyness, the baby could inherit this quality.
Due to temperament. Phlegmatic and melancholic people are naturally prone to shyness. These types of temperament are also characterized by introversion. That is, they are focused not on external communication with people around them, but on their inner world.
Example of parents. Children learn to interact with society by repeating the behavior of adults. If one of the relatives in the family has this quality, the child could copy it.
Upbringing. Sometimes parents themselves, without knowing it, instill shyness in their child. Criticism, frequent punishments, prohibitions without explanation form a certain behavior of the child. He tries to meet the expectations of adults.
Cruelty. When there is an unfavorable situation in the family, there is psychological pressure, tyranny or assault, the baby closes down, grows up fearful and tense.
Long-term isolation. In other words, lack of experience. This happens when a child is often sick and stays at home. The reason may be the family's closed intra-family policy. Parents devoted little time to the baby’s communication with other children.
Overprotection. As a type of special (intentional) isolation. This is excessive guardianship over the child by family and friends. It occurs in overly anxious and suspicious parents. Fearing for the baby's health, or that he may be offended, adults deliberately do not allow contact with strangers. It is common for parents suffering from overprotection to keep their children in “home confinement.”