"Technique of repentance. How to ask for forgiveness? How to forgive? How to remove guilt? How to get rid of grievances? Women's magazine of the Center for Psychological Support for Business and Family "5 Yes!"

How to choose the right words

First you need to figure out whether you are really guilty before your dad. If you have done nothing and are being accused indiscriminately, then you should explain yourself, but not make excuses. There is no need to take responsibility for actions that you did not commit just to make peace. For example, if you were given a low grade in math, be upfront about the teacher's bias. Besides, not everyone is born to become geniuses and dad should understand this.

If you really are at fault, then try to calm down and look at the situation sensibly. Imagine yourself in your father's place. How upset was your behavior and why? How does he feel now? Try to find words that will soften his heart. For example: “Daddy, you are my dearest person, I am so sorry for my action. I'm sorry"

How and from whom to ask for forgiveness in the temple

The church day begins in the evening, so Sunday evening is the first service with which Lent begins.
Worship services are becoming longer. On this day, they perform the rite of forgiveness, after which, having cleansed their soul from resentment and irritation, a person can enter into fasting in order to fully focus on their relationship with the Creator during the period of forty days of abstinence. At the end of the service, the priest of the temple addresses the believers with a sermon, at the end of which he apologizes to them. Then the priest comes out holding a cross in his hands, and the parishioners take turns approaching the cross and turning to the priest with the words “Forgive me.”

Even if you rarely attend church, it is still advisable to go to this service to begin your repentance by asking the clergy for forgiveness.

Prayer on Forgiveness SundayRinging bellsVideo

Have mercy, Lord, on those who hate me and envy me! Have mercy, Lord, on those who slander me and cause me offense! Do not do anything evil to them for Your unworthy servant; but, according to His expressed mercy and His immeasurable goodness, neither in this life nor in the next century may they tolerate evil for me, a sinner! Sanctify them with Your mercy and cover them with Your grace, O All-Merciful One, because before all, blessed are You forever and ever. Amen

Bell ringing on Forgiveness Sunday:

Place a candle on the memorial table and mentally ask for forgiveness from your deceased relatives and friends. It is advisable to confess on this day in order to begin fasting with a pure heart.

Psychologist's advice

Although fathers are strict, for the most part they are quick-witted. They are not inclined to create scandals and sort everything into pieces. Therefore, in the event of a quarrel or misdeed, you do not have to turn yourself inside out to be forgiven. The following approach will help resolve the conflict easily and simply:

If your father is away now, write him a short SMS or email saying you want to apologize.
Try to meet and talk face to face as soon as possible. Don't put off solving the problem until later. This will make it even more difficult for you.
Admit your guilt, say you are sorry.
Suggest a solution to the problem. Ask if you can somehow make amends for your guilt?
If your father starts preaching, be patient. Even if you don’t agree with something, it’s better to keep silent about it now.
End the conversation on a positive note. Give dad a hug or simply express your joy at the reconciliation.

When talking with your father, try not to bring up controversial issues. It is better to discuss such moments in a favorable, friendly environment. Wait a week or two and then bring up the topic again if necessary. For example, that your father forbids you to go out with friends until late. Offer a compromise. Alternatively, call back every half hour or arrange gatherings at home.

Naughty adult daughter

A friend devoted her entire life to her daughter. I raised it alone. My husband left when Natasha was very young. She didn’t sleep at night, the best piece for her. At three jobs, I fell off my feet. She herself walked around dressed haphazardly, and Natasha was like a doll - all the most fashionable things for her daughter. The best clubs, the most expensive teachers - English, mathematics, gymnastics. Computer, phone. Was it easy? I consoled myself with the thought that in my old age there would be someone to give me a glass of water.

My daughter went to college on a budget - there was so much joy. The friend did not know that the child, gentle and obedient, would suddenly change beyond recognition. The first conflict occurred when Natasha returned home after her freshman debut and smelled of alcohol.

- Daughter, why is it so late? Do you smell like wine?! — a piercing voice cut like a sword. - You are punished! No pocket money, and you sit at home for two weeks. Go home from the institute immediately! - Mom, today is such a holiday! We had a concert, we prepared so much. We celebrated in the cafe, it's just a glass of champagne!

“You’re still being insolent to your mother!” It wasn't enough for you to drink yourself to death! Instead of apologizing, are you making excuses? I would be ashamed to tell my mother about my drinking!

A wave of the hand... Natasha dodged, slipped into her room and locked herself. Both cried all night on opposite sides of the door, which grew like an insurmountable mountain between their loved ones. Then, for the first time, my friend was faced with the question of how to make peace with her adult daughter after a quarrel. After this there were new conflicts. Each time it came to shouts and reproaches: “You depend on me, I feed you and clothe you, you must listen to me!” After this phrase, Natasha left the house. What was it? The mother was overcome with worry. I would be glad to put up with it, but there was no news from my daughter.

Five steps forward

It’s clear how difficult it is for a mother who raised her daughter alone. The baby has grown up and no longer requires the same maternal care. The mother feels useless and continues to try her best to maintain her power over the child. “I raised you, and you betrayed me,” the offended mother implies behind this. Although the child did not want to offend his mother, he is simply growing and learning about the world. You cannot tie a child to yourself and live his life for him.

Let's look at the first quarrel with Natasha. Student debut. The girl appeared on the university stage for the first time and successfully introduced herself. A great mood, wings on your back, a walk with friends in the evening city. Teenagers are just beginning to taste life. They are looking for new pleasures, girls try to please boys, and try to build relationships with the opposite sex. A glass of champagne at 17 years old is not a crime, because the girl did not hide, but came home. This means he trusts his mother. The scandal and insults at such a moment interrupted the flight.

Of course, my mother compares that she herself was different at that age. Quieter, more obedient, more modest. But time does not stand still. Another generation, different speeds.

Having scrolled through all these important points in my head, I try to help the confused mother and pick up the advice she asked for:

- I understand you, dear friend, I myself have a teenage daughter. It can be very difficult.

“You’re still a schoolgirl, you’ll see what will happen in a year when you become a student.” Immediately they become adults, they don’t need a mother, they are ready to live their own lives. And the mother sheds tears into the pillow.

- You are a wonderful mother. Caring, economical. I will be happy to share with you a few secrets on how to make peace with your daughter.

Important:

1. Stop giving orders. Our children have become adults. You need to talk to them as equals, with respect. Give the child the opportunity to learn to make decisions himself, gaining his own experience.

2. Leave total parental control - checking pockets, desk drawers, purses. A daughter can and should have her own personal area. If you want to know how she lives, build a trusting relationship so that your daughter herself comes to you for advice.

3. Forget about teachings. Leading by example is the best education a parent can give.

4. Screaming distances and destroys good relationships between loved ones.

5. Reproach is the first step to a quarrel.

The key to reconciliation is understanding

Fortunately, the problem was resolved quickly and easily. After all, the woman turned for help not just to a friend, but also to a psychologist who had completed the “System-Vector Psychology” training by Yuri Burlan. It was here that she learned that people differ in their mental properties, which make up their character. When you know about these differences, observe them, the other person becomes understandable and you can accept his characteristics. Understanding others is not an end in itself, but an opportunity to see life through the eyes of another person. Then irritability goes away, relationships are improved where there were previously conflicts.

When a mother understands her child’s vector set, she will understand the desires that drive him. It will become clear to her why her daughter did what she did. Systemic knowledge helps you easily find the good in your child, praise or encourage him depending on his vectors. The nagging stops when you see and understand the uniqueness of your loved one, his real desires and merits.

One and a half thousand reviews from those who completed the training show how parents established relationships with their adult children.

Larisa P., Candidate of Psychological Sciences, psychologist, Moscow

Elena A., economist-manager

If the conflict is serious

If you have committed a very bad act, for example, theft, then do not hope for quick reconciliation. In this case, the father can be angry for a very long time. Be prepared that you will not only have to apologize, but also suffer a fairly serious punishment. You must go through this with dignity and learn a lesson.

As for apologies, in case of a serious conflict they should be as sincere as possible. Find strength within yourself and admit your guilt. Yes, it will be unpleasant, yes, trust will be undermined, but there is no other way. If you prevaricate and dissemble, this will only delay the conflict for a while. When the lies are exposed, you will be in even worse trouble.

To soften your father's anger, express your willingness to be punished or solve the problem. Listen to everyone's comments and promise to think about it. Your relationship with your father will gradually improve, no doubt about it. The main thing is to show tact and respect, to prove with your actions that you have improved.

Steps

Sincerely apologize

Apologize to your mom personally.

Don't send apologies via text message or email. A conversation with your mother in a tense situation will, of course, be difficult, but this way you will show that your words of apology are sincere.

Be sincere.

Speak in a respectful tone, clearly and clearly. If you mutter something under your breath, most likely your mother will not believe in your sincerity.

If you don't know how to start, try saying this: “I'm really sorry I upset you. I shouldn't have gotten into a fight. I will work on myself and try to become better. I hope you forgive me."

Tell the truth.
You may be tempted to lie to your mom, but believe me, it's not worth it. You may make the situation worse. If you are caught lying, you will not be able to escape punishment. You will have more troubles and it will be difficult for you to achieve your mother's forgiveness.
Don't talk to your mom when she's angry.
Give the feelings a chance to subside. Approach her later when she has calmed down and cooled down a bit. The most important thing is not to argue, this will only make things worse.
Choose the right time.
Don't try to improve your relationship with your mom while she's busy doing something, like cooking dinner. Approach her when she is free and ask if you can talk to her.
Be prepared to understand your mother if she doesn't want to listen to you. She may not want to discuss this issue with you. Wait a little and approach her again with words of apology.

Don't wait too long.

Remember, everything has its time. If you wait too long, your mother may think that you are not ashamed of what you did.

Listen to what she says.

Listen carefully to her and try to understand her point of view, why she thinks you did wrong. If you understand why your action hurt her so much, you can gain her forgiveness. Try to put yourself in her place. She wants you to grow up to be a responsible person, so she gets very upset when you act contrary to her expectations.

Don't mention past actions when talking to your mom.

Don't mention what your brother did in the past or what situation happened a few months ago. You will only remind her of other unpleasant events and make her even angrier.

For example, don't say, “But you didn't punish my sister last week for coming home late! Why are you angry with me and not with her?” Mentioning a past incident will only make the situation worse. Instead, try saying, “I know you're angry with me, and I really shouldn't have come home so late. I sincerely regret that I did this.”

Don't make excuses.

Making excuses undermines the sincerity of your words of apology. This shows that you are shifting the blame onto someone or something else. You have to admit that you did something wrong if you want your mom to forgive you.

For example, you shouldn’t say: “And I didn’t come back that late. I just couldn’t leave my friend alone.” Instead, say the following: “I know I came late and I’m really sorry. Next time I will pay more attention to the time and will not make the same mistake.”

Try to correct the error.

The best thing you can do is try to fix the situation.

For example, if you break something, try to fix the broken thing. If you yelled at your sister, be kind to her.

Apologize in writing.

This tip may conflict with the first tip in this article, “Apologize to Mom in Person,” but it is possible to apologize in writing in addition to a personal apology. Do not send the message by email or telephone. Write a handwritten letter saying that you are very sorry for your mistake and will not repeat it in the future. To write a note by hand, you will need time to think. Most likely, your mother will appreciate your efforts. If you draw well, you can draw something that will evoke pleasant emotions in your mother.

You can write a note that reads: “Dear Mom, I know that you are very upset that I fought with my sister. I know that you really want me to have a strong relationship with your sister. I love her, even though sometimes she really annoys me. I understand that I am older than her and therefore I should not react when she deliberately tries to piss me off. Also, having a strong relationship with someone requires effort. This will be useful to me in my future life. I will do my best to improve my relationship with my sister and maintain a peaceful relationship with her. I love you very much and hope for your forgiveness. With love, your son."

Understand that forgiveness takes time.

Sometimes, your mother can forgive you very quickly, but in some cases it may take time. In fact, according to psychologists, there are stages of forgiveness. Mom may deny what happened, feel angry, and also depressed. She may then accept the situation and forgive you. Don't expect her to go through all the above mentioned stages. Your goal is to work on yourself to gain her forgiveness and gain her trust.

Remember that your mother is not perfect either.

She also has the right to make mistakes. Therefore, she may be more angry with you than you deserve.

Sometimes mom can be upset for other reasons. Your action may only be part of her bad mood. Just as you might take your anger out on your little sister, a mom might have trouble dealing with her emotions if she's had a bad day or week.

Show respect

Show that you are listening.
When your mother talks to you, listen to her carefully and do not be insolent in response. Admit that you made a mistake and she has the right to reprimand you for your action.
Don't ignore her.
She wants to help you. If your mom wants to talk to you, take the time to listen to her. Be prepared to respond to her and be sure to take time to reflect on her words. You can assure her at the end of your conversation that a similar incident will not happen again. This will let your mom know that your apology is sincere.
Speak in a respectful tone.
When answering your mother's questions, do so in a respectful manner. Answer calmly and honestly.
- For example, if your mother asks: “What were you thinking when you did that?”, you should not answer her sarcastically: “I guess I’m an idiot and didn’t understand what I was doing.” You might say, “I don’t think I thought before I made my decision. Next time I will be more reasonable."
Agree with the punishment.
This will show that you respect your mother's decision.
Act like an adult.
Don't be rude or say offensive words. Don't stomp your feet or slam doors. You will only make the situation worse. Mom will be even more angry with you, and you will regret what you did.
- In addition, your mother will appreciate that you are acting like an adult and will forgive you much faster.

Don't avoid your mom if you've done something bad. However, if she is very annoyed with you and does not want to see you, give her some time to be alone.
Enlist the support of your dad or siblings. Sometimes they can talk to their mother and ask her to forgive you.
Never yell at your mom.
If you have done something that you regret, you should not cry; tears will not solve anything. In this situation, it is better to show through your positive actions that you are ready to change. Your mother will certainly notice the changes. Also, be sure to apologize to her. Although she may not believe your words, she still wants to hear them from you. And don't forget, actions always speak louder than words. Therefore, work on yourself!
Remember, mom loves you. Tell her that you love her very much too.
Don't be insolent. Otherwise, you will have to wait a very long time for forgiveness.
If you did something wrong, talk to your mom about it! This will help her understand your point of view.
Be polite to her.
Don't leave in a fit of anger. Talk to mom.
Give her a gift or write a card saying you're sorry.
If you ask for forgiveness, don't say, "I know you're mad at me." It's the same as saying: "This is showing you that you don't love me." These words will upset her even more. Better to say: “I know you are disappointed with my actions. Please forgive me. You can do that?"
Help her when she needs it. Be sure to help your mother do household chores. This will show that you have learned an important lesson from the situation.
Go together to your favorite place where it will be easy for you to forgive each other, for example, it could be the beach.
Do what will make her happy. She will definitely appreciate it.
Don't say apologies too often. This may make her angry and she won't believe what you say.
If you feel like your mom scolds you too often, talk to her about it. Of course, you don't want your mom to be upset, but in this case, talking can help improve your relationship.
For example, if you eat someone's dish, prepare the same and give it to the person for whom it was intended.
Do or buy her something to apologize for your bad behavior. This will show that you are very upset about what happened.
Don't interrupt her if she's still talking.
Stay calm when talking to her.
If you are arguing about something minor, like who will go to the bathroom first, tell your mom that you are in a hurry. If that doesn't work, give her space.
Apologize, but don't overdo it.
Help your mom around the house by doing things she doesn't ask you to do. However, be sure to make her notice your actions. She will definitely smile, perhaps without saying anything. But if you don't do it, for example, don't wash the dishes, don't vacuum, don't wash your clothes, she will still be angry with you.
Give mom a gift.
Make sure she is not upset for any other reason.
Ask your mother not to discuss your quarrel with other members of your family.
Give mom some time to calm down. Later, you can come up and discuss the problem with her.
Don't ask her for anything for a couple of days.
If you're arguing... don't shout. Keep calm. Wait for mom to express her opinion, then you can answer her.

The life of any normal person is not complete without conflicts and quarrels. In some cases, we prefer to leave everything as it is and break off the relationship. But what if a clash occurred with the closest and dearest person - your mother?

Unfortunately, mother's love and understanding are not limitless. Sometimes the child’s behavior bothers and hurts a loving heart so much that the mother becomes embittered and does not even want to talk. Below are some tips on how to apologize to your mother so that she not only forgets about the offense, but also begins to trust again.

If the silence has been going on for a long time

An interrupted connection with a parent has an extremely negative impact on the emotional background of both. Your father may want to forgive you, but he is waiting for the first step. In the end, if you are really guilty, you need to decide to talk. And even in the opposite case, if during a quarrel dad allowed himself to be rude, it is better to let go of the offense and try to talk.

In return you will receive much more, fatherly support and care. Remember that it is never too late. Every day of silence distances you further. Just show that dad means a lot to you. After all, this is really so!

I can’t forgive: what should I do?

Often, we approach the issue of forgiveness formally, saying within ourselves “I forgive.” But in our souls we understand perfectly well that anger, anger, resentment towards the person still remains .

If you just can’t forgive a person, stop torturing yourself. After all, an extremely strong offense usually has good reasons and cannot be caused by a trifle.

Distance yourself from the person, stop communicating and remembering him.

Switching to work, study, especially physical exercise (running, gym) helps a lot When you feel physically tired and fall off your feet, there is no desire to fall into melancholy.

Make new acquaintances or spend a lot of time with friends.

Sometimes resentment can also cause a feeling of inferiority and lower self-esteem.

Hanging out with people who respect you as a person will help you avoid losing your self-confidence.

How to apologize over the phone

You can ask for forgiveness in this way if dad is far away. However, a personal meeting is always preferable. But a phone call is better than nothing. First, try sending your dad an SMS with words of love. If you are very worried, you can write about it, adding that when you gather your strength, call to apologize.

Father will surely appreciate your courage and will be more merciful. The only advice is to control your intonation, because your face is not visible on the phone and some words may be perceived incorrectly. Alternatively, you can use Skype. This will help create the feeling of a real meeting.

Beautiful apology

This option is great for daughters. It doesn't take much to melt the ice of a father's heart. Choose one of the following options, or if you prefer, use them all:

Write a letter to your father with words of gratitude. Praise him for his positive qualities, say thank you for his care and attention. Tell him how much he means to you. You can insert a beautiful verse into the letter, for example by E. Vesnova “About Dad from Daughter”, T. Nikitina “Father”, T. Bokova “Dad”, I. Pshenichnaya “Song about Dad”. At the end of the letter, write an apology and promise to improve.
Make a clip of your photos together. In the background, play a touching song about dad Daiquiri “Dad Let’s Sit Together,” Smile “About Dad,” Olya Rozhdestvenskaya “There’s No Better Friend than Dad” or another. After viewing your work, your father will be moved, and then you can beautifully ask for forgiveness.
Cook dad a delicious dinner. Remember what his favorite dish is. If you are not yet an expert at cooking, ask your mom for help.

If you know how to draw well, you can give dad a postcard, if you sing, then perform a song, or embroider, give him a handkerchief with embroidered initials. Use your imagination, remember what makes your father happy and joyful.

If dad is a tyrant

There are situations when the father forces him to apologize with or without reason. This is especially often combined with alcoholism. If tyranny reigns in the house, then you need to talk to your father differently. First of all, you should ask your mother for protection. If she is also unable to contradict the despot, then it is necessary to attract other adults - relatives, neighbors.

As a last resort, you should tell the teacher about the unbearable situation at home or write a statement to the police. Of course, if the attacks are serious, and you don’t just want to annoy the parent.

How to quarrel less with your father

In order to argue less with your dad, you need to reach mutual understanding. Relationships should move to a more trusting level. This usually happens as children grow up. But you can try to do something now:

Prove that you can take responsibility. For example, take on some of the household chores and do your work flawlessly.
Share your father's hobbies and introduce him to yours. Spending time together is very important. You can offer to go fishing together, ask to learn how to drive a car or do repairs around the house. In the end, you can play a computer game together or shoot at a shooting range.
Start opening up. At first you may think that your father will not understand you, but this is not so. Try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him at least once. Share your experiences, problems, observations. Ask his opinion. This will make your father feel important and you will gain his support.

If you manage to establish a close, trusting relationship with your dad, and prove that you are already a responsible person, then there will be much fewer reasons for quarrels. The father will understand that you are able to correct your mistakes on your own, which means that the educational function has been completed.

To apologize to dad, you don’t need to invent anything. Say what you feel. Fathers value brevity and directness over elaborate poems or grand promises. Don't be afraid to start a conversation, even if dad is outwardly cold and strict. As a last resort, if it is difficult to apologize during a meeting, write a letter or SMS to your phone. Rest assured, your father misses warm communication no less than you do.

Arina, Rostov

Why is it hard to apologize?

We can talk at length about the benefits of asking for forgiveness. Prepare a speech in poetry or beg him. All this is useless if you don't have the right attitude. The difficulty is this:

Pride and selfishness can become an obstacle to reconciliation. It is pride that makes a person think: “Why me? He is also wrong." Everyone is waiting for the first step from the other, and resentment can develop into hatred. To break this vicious circle, you need to calm down and analyze what you did wrong and how you can correct the situation. The quality of humility will help with this. Is it unfashionable now? Yes, many people think so, but we are talking about relationships with loved ones. The majority opinion should not affect your decisions. There is no shame in admitting that you are wrong; your family and friends will appreciate it.
Education also plays a significant role. If as a child you did not hear the words “sorry” from your dad and mom, then this will be difficult for you too. This requires awareness of this fact and work on yourself. Try to “step on” yourself once and apologize, you will feel light in your soul and in your relationships. Next time asking for forgiveness will not be difficult. Come up with an apology in verse, this will help smooth out the tension.
The right infusion. How necessary it is. Often people think: “If I ask for forgiveness, then I will make it clear that I am guilty and show my weakness.” This opinion is wrong. Agree, at least two people are involved in a quarrel. Do you want to say that you didn’t say too much or didn’t show disdain with your icy silence? You yourself know that there is a share of your fault.