Standard point of view.
Friendship is a selfless personal relationship between people based on trust, sincerity, mutual sympathy, common interests and hobbies. Mandatory signs of friendship are mutual respect for the friend's opinion, trust and patience. People connected by friendship are called friends.
Multidimensionality
Ethics views friendship as an important moral value. Friendship is also referred to as a spiritual connection.
Ferdinand Tönnies identified two types of social structures: a community based on immediate emotional intimacy and a society based on rational calculation and division of labor. The “first sociologist of friendship” believed that it is the embodiment of communalism, characteristic of small groups with non-universal social ties in patriarchal conditions.
Simmel believed that modern man, with the complication of his inner world, is forced to hide more, so we can talk about friendship between different sides of the “I”: sympathy can connect with someone, intellectual interests, religious feelings, or common life experience with someone . At the same time, the need for intimate friendship, according to Simmel, arises only in antiquity, when the need for self-disclosure appears.
Features of friendship
Unlike consanguineous relationships of group solidarity, this interpersonal relationship is individually selective (with mutual affection of the participants).
To develop friendship may be necessary:
- mutual sympathy (pleasantness of mutual communication)
- understanding
- openness (they won’t say “it’s none of your business”)
- frankness, sincerity and selflessness
- trust
- active mutual assistance
- community of interests and hobbies
- value-orientation unity
What started out as friendship can turn into superficial friendships, or even enmity. For all the intimacy of friendship, its contrast to business relationships is rather relative, although friendship is distinguished by the fact that it is valuable in itself. Friendship differs from sexual and love-erotic feelings in the nature of its motivation. It is believed that friendship is characterized by the absence of sexual desire. However, there is an opposite point of view, namely about the possibility of sexual relations between friends of different sexes if the motives described above prevail over sexual attraction, but it is also present. Some believe that friendship, at least subconsciously, is selfish, since in general it turns out to be beneficial to all its participants.
Not only is the breadth of friendship determined by the social value of the activity to which friends devote themselves, its functions change throughout the life of individuals, reaching their greatest intensity during adolescence and early adulthood. During this period, there is a greater frequency of meetings and a larger amount of time spent together; later, friendship begins to lose its uniqueness, although almost all the time it remains one of the most important factors in maintaining personal stability.
Girls move from childhood friendships to youth friendships earlier than boys, as they develop the need for intimacy earlier.
Clichés associated with the concept of “friendship”:
“True, faithful, male friendship” (this concept formed the basis of many literary works), which is based on trust and self-sacrifice. In contrast, relationships that are superficial, shallow, and uncommitted are considered “fake friendships.” Friendship between men is opposed to relationships between women - while some mistakenly believe that friendship between women is impossible. The contrast between “friendship” and “love”, the impossibility of friendship between a man and a woman. In Soviet pedagogy, it was believed that only friendship was allowed between boys and girls at school.
What is friendship?
Friendly relationships also have age gradations: childhood, youth and adulthood. In childhood, a person does not yet attach much importance to these relationships; he competes with a friend in clothes, achievements and studies. In youth, friends are often confused with friends whom they support out of solidarity. These concepts are different. Solidarity comes from ancient times, when you had to choose a leader and unite with those who are unpleasant, but have a similar opinion.
Schoolchildren often support someone out of solidarity in order to disrupt a lesson or boycott someone. This is a manifestation of the herd instinct, a sense of collectivity, a manifestation of belonging to a society or social class.
Youthful intimacy is often romanticized and people perform feats for its sake. This type of relationship can develop into spiritual love or sexual attraction between representatives of different sexes, less often same-sex friends. In youth, it is difficult to distinguish friendship from falling in love, emotions are often overwhelming, hormones are playing.
Mature relationships no longer require daily presence, constant meetings and conversations, but this type of relationship is the most reliable, devoted, time-tested.
What friendship is can be explained in your own words like this: one soul in two bodies.
Types of friendship:
- Friendly communication based on common interests. Such relationships do not cause a merger of souls; they arise between people who are comfortable together.
- Family communication. Good relationships between married couples arise against the background of common interests (falling in love, having children, raising them) and help unite not only friends, but also spouses. Constant impressions, new situations, and a change of environment have a beneficial effect on mental health and the atmosphere in the family.
- A creative union is communication based on similar interests and common hobbies.
- Spiritual intimacy. This merging of souls is often mistaken for platonic love. This is the strongest union, based on support in difficult situations and forgiveness of mistakes.
Non-standard point of view.
What is friendship?
First of all, you need to remember that there is no such thing as “friendship”. That is, there are relationships between people that can be characterized in some way, and there is a tradition of calling a certain type of relationship friendship. But there is no independent entity called “friendship”. There are only real living relationships, without names and clear outlines.
It follows that concepts like “true friendship”, “true love” and the like are inherently absurd. If only specific interactions between specific people really exist, then how can one draw the line between the real and the non-real, between friendship and non-friendship, between love and non-love?
Nevertheless, it is still customary to draw a certain line. And this is done on the basis of an artificial rating scale. Here the situation is the same as if you were watching waves in the sea. Some go from left to right, others from right to left. Which ones are real? How to separate some waves from others if everything depends on which foot and which side the observer stands on?
One way or another, it’s generally believed that smaller waves mean friendship, and steeper waves mean love. But what is important is not the labels that we hang on them, not our opinions, but the waves themselves. That is, specific living relationships with a living person are important, and not what we call them, and what template we try to fit them into.
So is it even worth discussing what “ true friendship ” is? Let's take a better look at what friendship is meant in practice and what it all leads to.
Female friendship
Women are practical and pragmatic creatures. From a social point of view, this may not always look beautiful, because in general such far-fetched principles as fidelity and devotion do not exist for women. But from a psychological point of view, such sobriety causes only admiration. Men should learn this from women.
Women's friendship always has the character of a temporary union. As two independent states, honoring, first of all, their own interests. Sometimes it helps to have an ally. But do kings and presidents swear eternal allegiance? No, the union exists exactly as long as it is beneficial.
It’s the same with women - as long as it’s convenient and profitable to be friends, they are best friends. But as soon as interests intersect, the friendship ends. Slogans about devotion may sound in words, but in practice the woman will do exactly what is beneficial for her, and will simply find an excuse for herself in the fact that the case is exceptional, and she could not help herself.
And that's really good. Because a woman deceives herself and those around her only in words, but in her actions she is always more or less honest with herself. But men, for the sake of friendship and this oath, can derail their entire lives, and there is nothing to be proud of.
The main stumbling block in female friendship is men. This is where friendship ends and the law of the jungle comes first - every man for himself. And if it so happens that interests in relation to a man intersect, the union is over.
Yes, sometimes, female friendship lasts a lifetime, but this only shows that these women had nothing to compete with each other. And if one of them abandoned the man for the sake of the other, then this most likely means that it wasn’t painful.
So where are women allies? As long as friendship between women remains, it is quite similar to men’s - the same mutual assistance in business and the same mutual assistance in overcoming mental difficulties.
It is not considered anything shameful for women to cry on each other’s shoulders and feel sorry for each other in the most direct form. And this is again a reason to admire women’s directness in expressing their feelings. It is this emotional support that keeps women together. Help in practical matters is much less important to them.
Therefore, when a woman finds a man who is ready to wipe away her tears, all her best friends fade into the background - they are no longer needed. A man comforts and solves a woman’s everyday problems, so why should she be friends with anyone else?
Applause for women's honesty and dedication to their personal interests.
Male friendship
Men make friends a little differently. The basis of friendships is the same emotional mutual assistance as among women, but the principles of male honor and devotion are added to it.
Here it must be said that honor and devotion are the same virtual concepts as love and friendship. They just don't make any sense. This is simply a set of rules that is instilled in men from childhood and becomes sacred to them.
A decent man or a man of honor is as pathetic as the most shameless scoundrel. In a psychological sense, they are equally unhealthy, they are simply at opposite poles of the same scale. The former assert their importance through ostentatious decency, the latter through disregard for all rules and foundations.
In essence, belief in honor and decency is a form of neuroticism, which, however, is elevated to the rank of the highest masculine value. Hence the specificity of male friendship - following the rules of honor often turns out to be more important for a man than all other interests.
Only a man can “suffer for an idea” - revolutionaries, Decembrists, patriots, seekers of truth and other people of honor - they all put their mental ideals above even their own survival. Darwin would not have approved of them.
Belief in true friendship and male devotion is the same nonsense as all other manifestations of honor and decency. And yet, men love this game very much and are very worried when they don’t have friends, or are proud that they can be someone’s best friend.
In practice, men often go against their personal interests for the sake of friendship. This is bad because, usually, such self-denials occur unconsciously, although consciously. That is, a man understands that he is giving up his desire for the sake of friendship, but he does not see that the desire does not disappear, but is only suppressed, goes into the unconscious and continues to sharpen deep inside. Any struggle “for an idea” is self-destructive, but men don’t see this.
On the other hand, the willingness and ability to sacrifice one's interests makes real cooperation possible in solving practical issues. Women cannot cooperate - they are always competing, but men can actually work effectively towards a common goal hand in hand. And if a man clearly understands what interests he is giving up and for what, then there is no self-destruction here - everything is fine.
But the basis of male friendship is still not cooperation and mutual assistance, but the same need for consolation as that of women. Men are friends for exactly the same reason - to have someone to cry their tears on.
Yes, men don’t cry - they drink bitters and, while eating, share their problems. A man should be stern and should not cry, but this does not change the essence. Over beer, at barbecues, fishing, in the gym - everywhere men complain to each other about their lives and console each other like men.
The warmest relationships between men arise when the level of mutual trust allows them to share their most intimate experiences. That is, simply put, when you can pour out your deepest and most painful experiences to each other.
A best friend, a true friend, is usually someone to whom you can express all your difficult thoughts, who will listen to everything, understand and sympathize, who will not use the information received and will not stab you in the back (women, by the way, always use it and, if they necessary - they hit with all their might).
In this, male and female friendships are similar - both of them look for consolation in friends and want to have a person next to them on whom they can dump all their problems. Women do this in their own spontaneous manner - directly, simply and openly. Men pretend to be unapproachable, stern machos, but this makes them look even funnier.
All friendships - both male and female - are built on the principle: “I help you deceive yourself, and you help me deceive myself.” Ostriches helping each other stick their heads in the sand are the best of friends. And where we are not talking about consolation and self-deception, everything comes down to bargaining - “I help you out, and then you help me out.”
Psychologically, adult men have “nothing to be friends about”...
Friendship between a man and a woman
The topic of friendship between a man and a woman becomes a field of verbal battles with enviable regularity.
All the confusion arises from the use of words that do not have clear definitions. Friendship, passion, infatuation, love - where does one end and the other begin? No one knows and cannot know this due to the conditional nature of these concepts. Only one thing can be said for sure: a relationship is possible between a man and a woman.
When these relationships are built on mutual consolation, the “pure and bright love” sung by poets with sex, family and all other matters arises, which is the same neuroticism as “true friendship.”
When only one person is comforted in a relationship, then there is usually no sex, and the result is a kind of sexless friendship. The role of the consoled person is often the man, and that is why there is no sex in such relationships. A woman is simply not interested in a weak man.
On the other hand, when a psychologically adult man and woman meet who do not need mutual consolation, then a strange relationship arises between them, for which it is very difficult to find any definition.
This can be pure passion, when two bodies simply enjoy each other, or emotional and spiritual intimacy, when a connection arises on the basis of a unified worldview. And when one thing is combined with the other, then a fairy tale generally begins - that very relationship in which a man and a woman become companions, fellow travelers, like-minded people in the best sense of these words.
Female friendship
Women are practical and pragmatic creatures. From a social point of view, this may not always look beautiful, because in general such far-fetched principles as fidelity and devotion do not exist for women. But from a psychological point of view, such sobriety causes only admiration. Men should learn this from women.
Women's friendship always has the character of a temporary union. As two independent states, honoring, first of all, their own interests. Sometimes it helps to have an ally. But do kings and presidents swear eternal allegiance? No, the union exists exactly as long as it is beneficial.
It’s the same with women - as long as it’s convenient and profitable to be friends, they are best friends. But as soon as interests intersect, the friendship ends. Slogans about devotion may sound in words, but in practice the woman will do exactly what is beneficial for her, and will simply find an excuse for herself in the fact that the case is exceptional, and she could not help herself.
And that's really good. Because a woman deceives herself and those around her only in words, but in her actions she is always more or less honest with herself. But men, for the sake of friendship and this oath, can derail their entire lives, and there is nothing to be proud of.
The main stumbling block in female friendship is men. This is where friendship ends and the law of the jungle comes first - every man for himself. And if it so happens that interests in relation to a man intersect, the union is over.
Yes, sometimes, female friendship lasts a lifetime, but this only shows that these women had nothing to compete with each other. And if one of them abandoned the man for the sake of the other, then this most likely means that it wasn’t painful.
So where are women allies? As long as friendship between women remains, it is quite similar to men’s - the same mutual assistance in business and the same mutual assistance in overcoming mental difficulties.
It is not considered anything shameful for women to cry on each other’s shoulders and feel sorry for each other in the most direct form. And this is again a reason to admire women’s directness in expressing their feelings. It is this emotional support that keeps women together. Help in practical matters is much less important to them.
Therefore, when a woman finds a man who is ready to wipe away her tears, all her best friends fade into the background - they are no longer needed. A man comforts and solves a woman’s everyday problems, so why should she be friends with anyone else?
Applause for women's honesty and dedication to their personal interests.
Friendship in adulthood and old age.
This is generally a special topic for conversation, which, in fact, can put an end to this dispute. Please note that most older people are alone or surrounded by relatives. They don't look for friendship on the side; they don't need it. At best, they share gossip on benches at the entrances. Perhaps people are becoming more self-sufficient. Due to their rich life experience, they have formed their own views on life and are not interested in those of others. Plus physiological and age-related characteristics of the body. Thus, the concept of “friendship” disappears among older people, and ties with former childhood friends with whom they were “inseparable” are severed. Dot.
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Friendship and love
“Friendship is friendship, and love is love” is not a completely correct postulate. Strong love should be based on trust, self-sacrifice, nurturing positive personal qualities, and helping a loved one.
Friendship and love are sometimes difficult to distinguish, but these feelings go side by side and are inseparable. Love also comes in different forms: parental, mother-to-child, brotherly, etc.
There is an opinion that friendly intimacy is one of the manifestations of love. And that marriage is the strongest, where the spouses are not only lovers, but also friends.
