The artist wanted to teach etiquette when communicating with short people, but the Internet turned his work into a rude meme

Communication skill. Sounds interesting. The rumor clings to something incomprehensible. Is learning effective communication the same as learning mathematics, physics, medicine, law, etc.? Yes and no.

Yes, in the sense that any learning is a person’s transition to a more ideal state than before. No, in the sense that such a subject is not taught at school and university. And there's a reason for that.

It is believed that this skill is trained “by itself” and a good environment is enough to master it. This is partly true. But besides the environment in childhood and adolescence, 2 more factors influence: genetics and conscious work on this skill in adulthood. Genetics cannot be changed (yet), but working on a skill is useful. But what exactly needs to be worked on?

Vladimir Tarasov answered this question in the webinar “How to develop communication skills and become interesting to others,” which took place on February 12, 2020 as part of the presentation of the crowd training presentation “Personal Management Art”. Below I present my lecture notes.

Content

• What determines the quality of communication?
• What is the most important thing in communication?
• Listening technology
• Hearing technology
• Micro-hearing technology
• Establishing a confidence distance
• Stories about yourself
• Questioning and interrogation technology
• Humor and irony
• Technology and types of non-negotiation
• Ending a conversation
• Answers to listener questions

We see that the communication process is curtailed very much. People talk to each other less and less. If you used to be amazed by situations when a young couple was sitting in a cafe and both were staring at their phones (it was like a symbol of a new era), now this is so common that it no longer surprises anyone.

That is, people gradually forget how to communicate. But if you can’t stop this trend for everyone, then for people who have their heads on their shoulders, for them it can be slowed down. This is why we chose this webinar topic.

If a person thinks incorrectly, then he cannot speak correctly. Today, lengthy discussions do not fit into the pace of time and the thinking of the future. Therefore, in order to speak well, you need to think well.

Habit 4: Be Confident

Openness and self-confidence help build clear rapport, as well as improve self-esteem and make decision-making easier for you.
Being confident means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly while being able to stand up for yourself and respect others. This does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or picky. Effective communication is about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or pushing your opinion on others. To increase self-confidence:

• Value yourself and your abilities. They are just as important as someone else's.
• Know your needs and desires. Learn to express them without violating the rights of others.
• Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It's okay to be angry, but you also need to show respect for others.
• Take comments towards you positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when you need it.
• Learn to say no. Know the limits of your patience and don't let others take advantage of you. Look for a way out of the situation so that everyone is happy as a result.

It is much better not to believe in a person, but to be confident in him. Stanislav Jerzy Lec

How to learn to communicate with people

The quality of communication with others depends on the following skills:

• listening, hearing and micro-hearing;
• establishing a trust distance;
• clarification of the picture of the world;
• finding common interests;
• stories about useful incidents or about yourself;
• reporting emotionally memorable events;
• the use of irony and humor;
• maintaining the correct information tempo;
• the ability to hold back;
• the ability to maintain the face of the interlocutor;
• the ability to package a conversation and its result.

There are types of art where if there is no skill, then nothing will work (for example, physical wrestling). The joyful point is that in the art of communication, even if these skills have not been acquired, the very moment when a person remembers that “this is the way to do it” will already help.

Recognize the emotional content of words by training the muscles of the middle ear

By increasing the muscle tone of the tiny muscles in the middle ear (they are the smallest in the human body), you will be able to recognize higher frequencies of human speech that convey emotion and better understand the true meaning of what people are saying. Developing these tiny muscles isn't just about focusing entirely on what someone is saying; They can be trained by singing, playing wind instruments, and listening to certain types of music (high-frequency Mozart violin concertos and symphonies, for example, instead of low-frequency rock or rap).

What is the most important thing in communication?

Talk less, listen more

There is nothing new in this. Even in ancient times they said - keep your ears open and your mouth closed.

Draw information for a conversation from the conversation itself

To make a conversation interesting, it is very important to draw information for the conversation from the conversation itself. A conversation where one person tells what he knows, and then the other tells what he knows (such alternating monologues) is not a real conversation.

Real conversation occurs when a new subtopic emerges from what the other person answered. Then the conversation has unlimited food for itself. And here microhearing plays a big role, which will be discussed later.

Be not withdrawn, but not intrusive either

It is very correct when you talk no longer than the interlocutor wants. You need to say a little less than he wants to hear from you.

In addition, any conversation either brings closer or furthers the distance between people. She hesitates within the conversation. And it is very important not to press the distance, not to close the distance when the interlocutor does not want it.

In other words, the interlocutor should want to talk to you a little more than you want to talk to him. This is the correct position. Of course, if two masters meet, then it is impossible for there to be such a gap, only in this case the conversation will be completely equal.

The speaker is the seller, the listener is the buyer

How does the dialogue take place? The seller sold something (said something). Does this mean that the buyer bought what he said? Does not mean. He turned this product over in his hands and can put it back in place. It seems like I heard it, but didn’t take it into account.

He may ask a question, ask questions, ask questions, and then NOT buy the product. This is always a big disappointment for the seller - when he explained, told, proved, but his product was never bought.

But this means that when the seller sold the goods, he did not feel the buyer. I didn’t feel that he had already made an internal decision - not to buy - and titanic efforts were needed for him to buy.

Just as in a market economy the buyer is slightly higher in rank than the seller, so in communication, the listener is slightly higher in rank than the speaker. It also happens the other way around, but in general the situation is exactly like this.

For example, there is now a typical picture when an elderly man is talking to a girl (or sitting in a cafe, or walking somewhere on the street) and he talks and talks - it’s clear that he is selling a product. And I feel a little sorry for him, since it’s clear that the girl is looking somewhere with a detached look, she seems to be listening, but it’s clear that she’s not really buying the product.

Here is such a scene, it always hurts the eye, because a person tries, but he does not understand the other person.

What role do you most often play in a conversation?

What is effective communication?

Communication is more than just sharing information.
It's about understanding what emotional message and meaning lies in this information. Effective communication is also a two-way interaction. It is not only how you convey a message that is received and understood in the way you intended, but also how you listen to fully understand what is being said and make the other person feel heard and understood. . Effective communication involves more than just the words used in a conversation - it is a whole set of skills, including nonverbal communication, the ability to listen carefully, self-control, communicate with self-confidence and the ability to recognize and understand the emotions of yourself and the person you are communicating with. who are you communicating with?

Effective communication is the glue that will help you deepen your connections with others and improve teamwork and normalize shared decision-making and problem-solving. It even allows you to send negative or unpleasant messages without creating conflict or breaking trust.

Despite the fact that effective ways of communicating with people can be learned, it is nevertheless more effective to acquire them spontaneously from life experience, and not in the process of acting according to templates. A speech that is sight-read, for example, rarely has the same effect as a speech delivered spontaneously, or at least appears to do so. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and effortless your communication skills will become.

The easiest way for me to communicate is with ten thousand people. The hardest thing is with one. Joan Baez

What can you do to learn how to conduct a conversation with a person correctly:

• Take your time - take time for personal communication.
• Look for a drop of humor in the current situation.
• Agree that it is normal to disagree with something.
• Make sure you don't hold your breath.
• Listen before you speak, even if you don't agree with what you hear.
• Take a time out when you are already too stressed.

Listening technology

The technique of listening is to really listen and look like a person who is listening to another. Look like you are listening not only for the one who is speaking, but also for other people - otherwise you reduce the rank and image of the speaker. In this technology, you need to remember the following rules.

You must look at the speaker at least 20% and no more than 80% of the time

Why such percentages? Well, here I believe psychologists. It seems like they did a study and came up with the following theses:

• if the speaker is not interested in the listener, then the listener looks at him less than 20%;
• if the listener is only interested in the personality of the speaker, but not the content of his speech, then the listener looks at him more than 80%. Therefore, within this framework of 20-80 you need to try to keep your attention.

You need to think about the words of your interlocutor

After all, his information is unevenly distributed - some things are more important, others less important. Therefore, if it is clear that for the speaker a certain thesis is something serious, then you need to really think about this thought.

And it should be clear that you really thought about it - this is respect for your interlocutor. When a person doesn’t think, it makes a bad impression.

Before, when I started consulting, I often answered the question right away. If they ask me something, I answer right away. And then I realized that this was not right. In what sense is it wrong?

First, I need to think - maybe I’ll come up with something better. But that's not all. And if I thought, then the person understands that I thought about what he said, and not that I pulled ready-made recipes out of my pocket. Therefore, it is important to think about the words of your interlocutor. Sometimes, even if both are silent, it’s not bad for a conversation.

You need to support the speaker with your facial expressions

It is very important. I often gave interviews and remembered one journalist. She differed from other journalists in that she did not interrupt at all when I spoke. Only with facial expressions - she supported, was surprised, asked again. Such a dialogue, when one speaks and the other supports with facial expressions, I believe that this is a high class of journalism.

There is no need to interrupt the speaker until there is a pause.

Further speaking should be encouraged with interested anticipation.

For example, a person paused, and you feel that he still has something to say - don’t rush to speak, take this pause. This is all you need to do to be a good listener.

Why is it so important to be a good listener? The fact is that a good listener is much rarer than a good speaker. A good listener is someone who is interested in the speaker.

A good listener will make any non-talker talk and will extract interesting stories from anyone, because he draws food from the conversation itself. It is a higher art to listen well.

Habit 3: Stay in control

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of your emotions and control them.
And this means learning to cope with stress. When you are nervous or unable to cope with your emotions, you are likely to misperceive other people, send confusing or intimidating nonverbal signals, and begin to act like an unstable, mentally ill person. How many times have you experienced a disagreement with your spouse, children, boss, friends or co-workers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly de-stress and calm down, not only will you not have to regret it later, but in many cases you will help the other person cool down as well. Only when you are in a calm, relaxed state will you be able to understand whether you need to respond in this situation or whether it is better to remain silent, as indicated by the behavior of the other person.

In situations such as a job interview, a business presentation, a stressful meeting, or introducing a loved one to family, for example, it is important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and communicate effectively under pressure. These tips may help:

Hearing technology

You need to hear everything that is said

This means simply physically hearing. To do this, you must first of all not be distracted. A person is mainly distracted by some kind of visual temptation and distracted by his thoughts.

Moreover, he is distracted by his thoughts in different ways. Sometimes it’s simply because the person is talking rather boringly and you don’t want to waste time. But sometimes it’s the other way around - he says something so important that you immediately have your own thought, you want to think about it further and you get distracted, you don’t hear what the person said next.

In this case, it is important for the one who is speaking to feel it and give the person a pause to think about some words.

You need to understand what is being said

Not only to hear in the sense that you can repeat what was said, but also to understand what is being said. And this is more difficult - you have to strain, sometimes ask again. You have to pack everything that was said into your head.

When you listen, there must also be a parallel process of memorization. A normal person remembers well the essence of what is said if he was able to pack it in his head - compactly, briefly, most importantly, and all this while listening.

Therefore, during pauses, you need to compactly retell what you heard, and sometimes even specifically stop the speaker, retell the essence of what was said and get confirmation that you understood everything correctly.

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal cues

When we talk about what concerns us, we mostly use nonverbal cues.
Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movements and gestures, eye contact, body posture, tone of voice, and even muscle tension and breathing. Your look, the way you listen, move and react to another person tell other people more about your condition than the words you say. Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you communicate with others, express yourself clearly, handle difficult situations, and build better relationships at work and at home.

You can make communication even more effective with open body language: do not cross your arms, stand with an open body position or sit on the edge of your seat, and maintain eye contact with your interlocutor. You can also use body language to emphasize or reinforce your verbal message—patting a friend on the back to congratulate him on success, for example, or fist bumping to emphasize your message.

Micro-hearing technology

Micro-hearing technology means that you need to notice hesitations, pauses, voice changes, sighs, slips of the tongue, changes in facial expressions, posture, and sometimes emphasize such little things.

Sometimes you need to ask about identified accents

For example, “why are you so animated when you tell this?” This has twofold benefits. Firstly, the person understands that he was listened to carefully. Secondly, this may push him to some new story - very interesting, and sometimes simply important, from what he did not dare to tell you.

Observe changes in nonverbal behavior

Changes not only in facial expressions, but also in posture. You need to interpret this for yourself, and sometimes out loud. That is, you need to report your feelings on the behavior of your interlocutor.

Making assumptions about the unsaid

“Perhaps this is because?” It will be easier for you to remember if you expressed a version, but it turned out to be wrong.

You need to consider what is said that is confidential.

For yourself, you know what is best to remain a secret. But what is confidential for the interlocutor? Sometimes it's better to ask the speaker about it.

It is important to make sure that your retelling is better than the story of your interlocutor and that he liked it

When, after the retelling, he said: “Well, yes, actually,” you need to stop him after these words. The ability to retell is especially important for those involved in management consulting.

A person cannot be a consultant if he cannot retell a story about some events or problems better than he was told. He may not tell you in so much detail, but his story should make the main point clearer.

Quick Ways to Relieve Stress to Continue Effective Communication

To cope with stress during communication, do the following:

1. Notice when you get nervous. If you're nervous while communicating, your body will let you know. Are your muscles or stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breathing shallow? Do you “forget” to breathe? Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation or putting it aside.
2. Ask your mind for “help” and quickly pull yourself together by taking a few deep breaths, squeezing and relaxing your muscles, or, for example, remembering a calming, positive image that evokes positive emotions. The best way to quickly and reliably reduce stress is to listen to your senses: vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell. But each person reacts differently to sensory sensations, so you need to find what works for you in a calming way.
3. Look for a drop of humor in the current situation. If you approach it correctly, humor can be a great way to relieve tension during communication. When you or others start to take things too seriously, find a way to cheer everyone up by telling a joke or a funny story.
4. Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if both you and your interlocutor are able to give in a little, you can find a middle ground that will suit and reassure all parties concerned. If you realize that the subject of the conversation is much more important to the other person than it is to you, it may be easier for you to compromise, while laying a solid foundation for the future relationship.
5. If necessary, stand by your opinions. Before returning to the situation, take a break so everyone can calm down. Take a short break and step away from the current situation. Take a walk outside if possible, or meditate for a few minutes. Physical movement or rest in a quiet place to restore inner balance can quickly relieve stress and calm you down.

Establishing a confidence distance

It is necessary to establish a trust distance

To do this, you need to correctly build role relationships. Each of us plays many roles in relation to the other. You can be a neighbor, a friend, a bowler, or a creditor. And to establish a trusting distance, you need to choose those roles where the distance between you and the person is closest for conversation.

From there you can continue to act more easily. In addition, there are many roles in the conversation itself - speaker and listener, doubter and prover, etc. And you need to move through the conversation so that the distance becomes closer and closer and becomes as close as it is comfortable for both parties.

Repeat the other person's name often, but do not overdo it

Be able to hold back

If we keep our distance well and don’t say something, this motivates the interlocutor to ask questions and close the distance.

The easiest way to bring distance closer is to talk about childhood

Tell your own stories, ask others’ questions. Why does childhood bring us closer together? Because people are a little afraid of each other, even close people - this is normal, there is always a fear of making some mistake, of being offended somewhere, of being misunderstood.

Therefore, if a person is questioned about current events, he is not sure that he did the right thing and he is responsible for his words and deeds. But he is not responsible for his childhood, and therefore fearlessly talks about his childhood. And this lack of fear of communication, after talking about childhood, may continue.

Applying Economic Concepts to Conversation

Imagine that your conversation is a bank. If you have a lot of investments, then things are going well. If loans are more than investments, then something needs to be changed. Transferring this metaphor to communication, we get this.

Emotional Investment

1. Agree with your interlocutor
2. Correct body language
3. Use the other person's name
4. Tell jokes
5. Encourage your interlocutor's ideas
6. Listen attentively
7. Ask for an opinion

Emotional loans

1. Disagree with your interlocutor
2. Incorrect body language
3. Talk a lot about yourself
4. Lie
5. Flattery
6. Vulgar and personal questions

Imagine that your conversation starts with zero balance and do everything to increase it!

Stories about yourself

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to maintain a balance between stories about successes and failures. When a person talks only about successes, he looks like a braggart. When he only talks about failures, he looks like a loser.

It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but there should be some kind of balance. It is especially valuable when he talks about some embarrassments that are typical for many people. This shows what conclusions you have drawn, and these conclusions can be useful to many people.

The same thing, as a manager, I advise using mistakes made as material for training subordinates. It is also necessary to provide side useful information in a conversation that a person can remember and it will be useful in life.

This is especially important in sales. So, the seller may not sell the product, but he can tell some things that a person will remember, retell to others, and this story will be useful for others.

Stay balanced in a stressful situation

Use stalling tactics to take an extra minute to think.
Before answering, repeat or ask for clarification of the statement that causes you misunderstanding. Pause to collect your thoughts. Remaining silent is not a bad thing; pausing faster than rushing to respond can force you to pull yourself together. Make one judgment and give an example or provide information that supports your statement. If your response is too long or you ramble on about everything at once, you risk losing the listener's interest. Focus on one statement with an example, look at the listener's reaction and evaluate whether there is something else worth talking about further.

[media=
https://youtu.be/ZxN65jwtoaw
]

Speak clearly and clearly. In many cases, how you speak can be just as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain the same timbre of voice, and make eye contact. Let your body language communicate relaxation and openness.

At the end of your statement, make a short summary and stop. Briefly state the main point of your speech and stop talking, even if there is silence in the room. Don't keep talking to fill the silence.

When a discussion gets heated in the middle of a conversation, you need to do something quickly and immediately to reduce the emotional intensity. Once you learn how to quickly reduce tension in the moment, even if you can handle any strong emotions you experience, control your feelings and behave rationally. If you know how to keep your mind balanced and engaged, even when something upsetting is happening, you can stay emotionally alert and alert.

Questioning and interrogation technology

What is the difference between questioning and interrogation?

First difference. Questioning is when a person asks the following questions based on what has been said. During interrogations, questions are asked that are in no way related to previous answers.

Second difference. The interrogator wants to be told everything, but he himself is not ready to tell anything. He says in his tone, “I won’t tell you why I’m asking this.”

Therefore, interrogations should be avoided unless there is a reason for them. And even out of curiosity, still not interrogate, but question. That is, there must be a justified motivation in the questions and the questions must be related to the answers to other questions.

Sometimes you need to use unfinished questions that give you the right to ignore them

For example, when we are not sure how tactfully it will be to ask this or that, we ask the question in an understated way, we outline the question, giving the person the right to ignore and move on.

Questions must be asked with information included

That is, in addition to the question, there is a story, some other important information that clarifies it.

We need to move smoothly to more risky and confidential issues

If the person answering the questions is not uncomfortable, we can get much closer. But it is important to remember one nuance.

If we asked some risky questions and a person answered them, then he sometimes needs to explain to us why he answered those questions that did not need to be answered (or he did not have the right to answer).

Therefore, it is very important to give him the opportunity to justify himself in our eyes and in his own, after such answers.

Sometimes we need to ask questions that demonstrate our incompetence

Such questions raise the status of the speaker. In addition, this is useful for us, and the speaker is pleased that he has made us more competent.

Sometimes you need to ask questions to help the speaker tell everything in detail.

Often a person is going to tell us something in general, he has no plan to tell us in detail, but if we show with our questions that we have the time and interest to hear the details, then he will be happy to tell them.

There are two types of retelling

The first is like a police report. Only facts, without any lyrics, without any “in my opinion”, “it seemed to me”, etc. The second is as a work of art. These are two different types of retelling. Ideally, you should own both.

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to remember Oscar Wilde's quote - “The secret to being boring is to tell everything about yourself.”

When you are telling something for a long time, you should not ask your interlocutor, “Are you interested in what I am telling you?”

Who's to say it's not interesting? This question makes sense at the beginning of a conversation, but not in the middle. To really find out if a person is interested, evaluate his behavior. If he starts looking at you less, it means he is losing interest in the story.

Everything you tell can be retold to a third party, and you don’t know who exactly

Or it can be used against you by the same listener when you quarrel with him. This is a very important circumstance. There is no need to succumb to the charm of the moment, so as not to regret it later.

Tips to help you better interpret nonverbal communication

Keep in mind that everyone has their own individual characteristics.
People from different countries and cultures tend to use different non-verbal communication gestures, so when analyzing body language it is very important to take into account the person's age, cultural background, religion, gender and emotional state. An American teenager, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, may use nonverbal cues differently. Analyze nonverbal signals comprehensively. Don't look for too much meaning in one gesture or nonverbal signal. Consider all nonverbal cues you receive, from eye contact to tone of communication and body movement. Anyone can sometimes make a mistake and look away, for example, and let the eye contact slide, for example, or briefly cross their arms, without implying anything negative. To better understand a person's true thoughts, analyze his nonverbal signals comprehensively.

Humor and irony

You should use irony and humor whenever possible. You have to learn this, of course. To learn to joke, you need to make friends with jokers.

But, there is an important principle of using humor - men often laugh AT someone, and women TOGETHER with someone. So, for humor to improve relationships, you need to laugh with someone, and not at someone.

Humor can be tested on neutral topics. A good way to use humor is to slightly change what a person says in a funnier way. In general, humor should be used, but it should be used carefully, as it is a double-edged sword.

Now, when we talk to a person, it is very important to maintain the information rhythm.

The fact is that when we speak, we change a person’s picture of the world. If we don't change it, he gets bored. If, on the contrary, we change very intensively - one new thing, then another, a third - then he does not have time to somehow arrange these components in his main picture of the world, and he also becomes bored.

Here you need to know when to stop. The picture of the world needs to change with such a rhythm - he said something new, the interlocutor processed it, and again something new. At the same time, you must remember that when you talk to a mass of people, they need more time to process information, since the reaction speed of people in large numbers is dulled.

Sometimes you need to use short remarks instead of a long story. They give a person more time to think. When talking, you need to remember a simple thing - you can’t be right too many times.

One tells what country he was in, another brings up a cooler country, one says that he bought a bag for $500, another immediately beats it with a purchase for $2000. So, you don’t have to constantly interrupt the other with your superiority - either in being right, or in money, or in connections, or in something else. It's annoying.

Also, you need to remember that there is information fatigue. It is important to take breaks, coffee breaks, rest or switch to abstract topics.

Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

Stress and uncontrollable emotion

When you are nervous or unable to cope with your emotions, you are likely to misperceive other people, send confusing or intimidating nonverbal signals, and begin to act like an unstable, mentally ill person. Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation.

Lack of attention

You cannot communicate effectively when you are multitasking.
If you're daydreaming, checking text messages, or thinking about something else while planning your next response, you'll almost certainly miss nonverbal cues in your conversation. You should always take your life experience into account. [media=
https://youtu.be/BWBh9L_nTjg
]

Illogical gestures and facial expressions

Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial.

Negative facial expressions

If you don't agree with or like what is being said, you may use negative facial expressions and gestures to express disagreement with the other person's message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don't have to agree or even approve of what is said, but communicate effectively without putting the other person on the defensive; It is very important to avoid sending negative signals.

All our days pass in communication, but the art of communication is the destiny of a few... Mikhail Vasilyevich Lomonosov

Technology and types of non-negotiation

1. Non-speaking can be like a protest against interruption. A very good way. You are sitting in a group, talking, you started to say something and were interrupted. You start your own - they interrupt again. In this case, you don’t need to interrupt yourself. It's better to wait to see if someone asks you to continue your words. If no one asks, then it means no one is interested. If someone asks, you continue.
2. Non-disclosure also happens when everything is already clear.
3. Non-speaking is like a listening test - without finishing one story, you move on to another to evaluate the listener’s reaction.
4. Non-statement as a test for the acceptability of a topic.
5. Axiomatic omission - you do not say anything and do not draw any conclusions, and the listener himself makes the conclusion.
6. Intriguing omission - not saying enough to intrigue.

Tips for Improving Your Nonverbal Cues

Use those nonverbal cues that reflect the essence of your words.
Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial. Tailor your nonverbal cues based on the context of the conversation and the setting. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when speaking to a child than when speaking to a group of adults. Also, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you are communicating with.

Use body language to express positive emotions, even if you don't actually feel them. If you're nervous about a situation—a job interview, an important presentation, or a first date, for example—you can show confidence, even if you don't actually feel that way, through positive body language. Instead of hesitantly walking into a room with your head down, looking away and squeezing into your chair, try straightening your shoulders and standing with your head held high, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and giving the person you're talking with a firm handshake. This will make you more confident and help put the other person at ease.

Why are we embarrassed?

Often, stiffness or awkwardness appears when confidence disappears. If a person expects too much from himself, he will most likely be very tense, and therefore will not make the best impression on the interlocutor. Fear can arise as a constant reaction to strangers. In this case, the root of the problem really lies within the individual and can spread to other areas of life. Ask yourself questions:

• What exactly am I afraid of?
• What happens if I relax and be myself?
• What will I do if the worst really happens?
• Is this person's opinion really important to me?
• Does my interlocutor think about such things as I do?

In his famous book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,” Dale Carnegie gives the main advice - imagine that the worst thing you imagined actually happens, what will you do after? In fact, you will see that life will not end. Optimistic thinking will tell you that there will still be many workarounds.

If you have unreasonable uncertainty in front of a specific person, when there are no problems communicating with other interlocutors, most likely this person reminds you of someone from the past. This may be deep childhood, and the image remains only in the subconscious, but your new interlocutor acts as a trigger for negative reactions, reminds you of an unpleasant moment of the past days. In this case, try to understand whether it is so important for you to leave this person in your reality? If it is impossible to interrupt communication, separate the image of the past from this completely different personality.

How to gain self-confidence

To feel more confident when communicating with strangers, use a few simple techniques:

• Drink water - this will ensure your well-being and your voice will sound more confident.
• Pay attention to your breathing - when we are stressed, we often forget to breathe, which only makes the situation worse.
• Ask more questions - awkward pauses will only increase your fear.
• Smile - you will look friendlier, and send a signal to your brain that everything is fine and there is no need to worry.
• Wear comfortable and stylish clothes. Our subjective attitude towards our appearance greatly influences our confidence, and stiffness is the second enemy in difficult situations.

Where do communication problems come from and what role does the family play in this?

Difficulties in communication are associated with psychological characteristics of temperament and nervous state.

• Passivity.
• Reluctance to contact the whole group, but only 1-2 people.
• Creating your own world and constantly staying in it.

Such people are identified at an early age. External factors have a huge impact on a person’s communication abilities.

Initially, standards and norms of behavior are taken from the family. Hostility, secrecy, incorrect expression of one's needs, desires, and many other unconstructive behavioral actions of family members are instantly adopted by children. An incorrect behavior pattern is established. The principles of education form a certain attitude towards everything around you, and skills of interaction with society are acquired.

The way a child is allowed to express emotional states, how his desires are treated and fulfilled, how he is allowed to independently draw boundaries in communication with elders - all this lays the foundation on which a person builds his behavioral type as he grows up. In the process of upbringing, the family often traumatizes the child’s nervous system, even to the point of psychological pathologies, which necessarily affects them in later life. In the process of further development and maturation, existing problems of a communicative nature only take root. School, constant ridicule, unsuccessful communication with peers, fear of speaking in public - all this destroys inner harmony.

Developing positive communication skills

An empathic statement expresses empathy for another person.
First understand the other person's situation or feelings, and then confidently express your needs or opinions. “I know you’ve been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us too.” Growing self-confidence can be used when your first attempts are unsuccessful. Over time, you become more decisive and assertive: your statement may communicate specific consequences if your needs are not taken into account. For example, “If you do not comply with the agreement, I will be forced to go to court.”

Start practicing assertiveness in less risky situations, which will help build your self-confidence. Or ask friends or family if they will let you practice assertiveness techniques on them first.

Elizarova Lilia Apr 09, 2018