Choosing a man for marriage: 7 important rules. Discussion on LiveInternet

Communication and interpersonal relationship specialist Steve Nakamoto knows what women want and can answer many other questions that concern them. He tells you how to weed out unsuitable candidates and make the right choice.

An honest male view: your personal life will not work out if you choose the wrong partner. In addition to mutual attraction, you need to consider other factors to understand whether a person is suitable or not suitable for you for a long-term relationship. Before giving in to emotions, be sure to evaluate the psychological maturity of your prospective partner, your compatibility, the degree of mutual attraction and the possibility of personal development. Otherwise, you will be faced with a relationship that will suit neither him nor you.

A wise woman will choose a winner over a loser if she wants to have every chance of success in a love relationship. Of course, there are many more subtle variables that can be taken into account when choosing a leader in any given situation, but nevertheless, men have some common traits that, if present, will most likely lead to complete failure in a relationship. It is these traits that you must distinguish first of all, so as not to waste time on someone who will not become a winner for you.

Separate the winners from the losers

Thanks to the convenience and popularity of online dating, some women are meeting more seemingly worthy men than ever before. After all, it’s not at all difficult for a man to create an attractive profile and maintain a pleasant conversation in real time. A wise woman who is looking for true love understands that based on such communication it is very difficult to determine who is a winner or a loser in front of her.

One girl recently wrote to me about this: “What does it mean when a guy says he likes me, but he doesn’t feel the spark? A young man I’ve been dating for several months said at the very beginning of our relationship that we were strongly attracted to each other, but now he says that’s nonsense. What does he mean? Does he like me or not?

Very often, a woman, describing her affair, asks me if the man she is dating is interested in her. Of course, assessing a man's interest in a woman is a primary task, but every time I remind my readers that it is equally important to determine whether a given man is suitable for a particular woman.

By assessing whether a man is genuinely interested in you and whether he is a good match, you will be less likely to fall in love with the wrong person and will ultimately avoid disappointment and relationship failure.

Love or calculation?

This topic explodes the top questions about family and marriage. Modern girls literally cannot sleep in torment - who should they marry? For that bald, chubby guy with a fat wallet and a Mercedes, or for the penniless guy next to you, but with a great sense of humor? Both of these extremes are unlikely to bring happiness. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle. You shouldn’t ignore the material side of the issue and give in only to feelings, because you still have to give birth to children from him and sit on maternity leave without your own income. It’s not very pleasant, do you agree?

And at the same time, being guided only by the size of your wallet, despite the fact that the man himself is disgusting to you, is a failed tactic. With such “income Petrovich” you are unlikely to find happiness, but you will regularly want to go to the left. And this is a bad foundation for creating a family, no matter what anyone tells you about free modern morals.

How to find that same average? A man with whom you will feel good in your soul and in bed, and you won’t be left without a piece of bread? To do this, you need to pacify the crowd of butterflies in your stomach, exhale and soberly evaluate your boyfriend.

Don't count on people to change - especially men!

Avoiding unsuitable candidates is no easy task. Because most of us are so hopeful for love and so rarely meet potential lovers along the way, many strive to take advantage of almost every romantic opportunity that comes their way.

Several years ago I was introduced to a nice girl who was fourteen years younger than me. I remember once hearing her say to a friend, “Steve is a great guy, he has so much to offer.” This was especially true of the young people who surrounded her. But it didn’t take long for her to see me in the best light—a mature, calm, financially reliable person.

During the “honeymoon” of our communication, it seemed to her that I was the embodiment of the best masculine qualities. But after a month, this young lady began to perceive me completely differently. My “maturity” began to remind her of “Daddy’s” behavior. I was no longer “calm” but “lazy, old and tired.” And “financial stability” turned into “stinginess” and “the pursuit of money.”

Looking back, I can say that the difference in age, interests and life goals made me a disastrous candidate for this girl. It is not surprising that after two months of communication we broke up.

Refer to the past

Think about your past relationships and the people you had them with, as well as the men who surround you. What qualities do you admire in them? What would you like to see in your husband? What would you definitely not want? Write down on a piece of paper 3 qualities of these people that you personally like and 3 that you would never accept in your future dream man.

One of my personal criteria when choosing a man was the absence of bad habits, especially smoking - I will not tolerate this under any circumstances, well, that’s my thing, “personal cockroach.” Think about what your man must have and what he definitely shouldn’t have? But don’t get carried away - a maximum of 3 points, otherwise your choice will be reduced too much, and you will only be able to find one in a fantasy land.

Next, analyze your current boyfriends - who fits these criteria? If the choice is small, think about where you can meet the one you need. It’s stupid to come to meet someone at the market, for example, and wait there to meet an aristocrat. Luck, of course, has not been canceled, but the chances are minimal.

And when you have decided on these points, do not lower your bar under any circumstances. After all, you only have three points in the pros and three in the cons! No matter how charming and handsome he is, he will have to undergo this initial face control. If he doesn’t suit you, then immediately, before you fall deeply in love, pass by, period. It is a huge stupidity to start a relationship with the wrong person and expect him to change and become suitable. He is an adult with his own unique set of qualities, and he did not come into this world to fit in and become comfortable for you. For someone else, it will be ideal in exactly the configuration that he has.

Of course, there are qualities that can be changed over time. But this is very difficult, and most often it fails. Is it worth it for you to waste your life and nerves on remaking another person? And how much you will ruin his nerves while you prove that he is not at all what he should be. More precisely, not the way YOU need. In this case, maybe it’s easier to look for more?

Avoid unsuitable candidates

It is important to remember that people rarely change. Therefore, it is prudent to evaluate your possible partner based more on who he is at the moment, and not on who he will become in the future. Due to the very nature of romantic relationships, we easily get carried away and throw ourselves into the abyss of momentary passion, without paying attention to such important long-term issues as compatibility and the possibility of personal development. But wise women carefully evaluate these aspects at the beginning of the game, before they develop serious feelings for a man. This way you can avoid a long relationship with the wrong person.

Here are some tips to help you avoid meeting unsuitable candidates:

Beware of men who have bad habits. If your potential partner suffers from a chronic drug, alcohol, or gambling addiction, a smart solution is to avoid being romantically involved with them. Bad habits control a person’s life and the lives of those around him. Many women have already acquired this painful experience by wasting time, energy, and feelings on unworthy candidates.

Avoid men with serious character flaws . Character is the foundation of every personality. This is the result of hundreds of decisions made that gradually made a person what he is now. Today, many women are increasingly meeting men with obvious character flaws, which, of course, cannot serve as a reliable support for love. Character is something that is formed over a long time, and it is very difficult to change it. Therefore, a wise woman would rather avoid close communication with men who have obvious character flaws than try to correct them.

Walk past men who don't have an ounce of ambition. For many women, this trait does not seem to be as big a drawback as others. But at the same time, a woman quickly gets tired of a man who does not know ambition. Not striving for anything, such a man does not particularly care about the material wealth of the family, which is an important cause of stress in relationships. A wise woman must distinguish a man who is in harmony with himself from a man who is simply lazy and unmotivated, who will probably bore her over time.

Don't date men who don't turn you on. In a romantic relationship, there is no substitute for attraction or physical attraction. If attraction does not come, it is better to refuse further rapprochement. Otherwise, you will get stuck in a relationship without passion that will not satisfy either partner.

Say “No!” vile men. Women are often confused by men who are affectionate one moment and hostile the next. Many women at the initial stage of a relationship focus on positive qualities and turn a blind eye to negative ones. When you communicate with a two-faced man, sooner or later he will direct his aggression towards you.

Rate men based on their social circle. For many women this is a difficult task. For some reason, they want to believe that her lover is not at all like his friends. But most likely, he just wants to seem better. In fact, he is probably a lot like his friends. Consider this instead of relying entirely on his “advertising image.”

Avoid men who are completely out of sync with your personality. Some people just can't seem to get along. Instead of complementing each other and mutually supporting them, they quarrel over various trifles and bring out only the worst sides in each other. If you find yourself in such a difficult situation, assess the situation soberly. Don't make the mistake of trying to improve your relationship by, for example, marrying someone who constantly upsets you.

Beware of extreme differences in lifestyle. Lifestyle manifests itself in the clothes we wear, the music we listen to, the things we buy, the food we choose, the words we speak, the dreams we strive for, the friends we choose, the activities to which we devote our free time. If you want to commit your life to someone, it is wise to find a partner who shares your habits and views. People whose lifestyles differ from ours undoubtedly add color and diversity, but, as a rule, communication and friendship with these people must be limited.

Be able to recognize potential conflicts of values. Values such as courage, love, honesty and family are ideals for which we have the utmost respect. When two people don't have common values, they often upset each other. For example, I was told about one woman who complained that her husband was constantly getting drunk with his friends instead of doing something more suitable for a family man. Such conflicts of responsibility and entertainment take a long time to brew and are often hidden until they develop into feelings of deep resentment. A woman who is looking for a new partner should avoid men who clearly do not share her values. Values, which are essentially deep-rooted priorities, can only change under the influence of very serious circumstances.

Stay away from men with unclear relationship goals. It’s easy to fall for the bait of a man who claims that he loves children, but only shows this love towards other people’s children. A wise woman must distinguish between mere talk about marriage and family from a real willingness to make a commitment. True, some men openly say that they do not intend to start a family, and do not hide their aspirations for other goals. But a woman may fall into the misconception that such a person will change over time, and later discover that in fact his views on his personal life have long been firmly established. A wise woman carefully evaluates a man's life priorities and continues the relationship only if their goals coincide. Men who are willing to date only occasionally are suitable for women with the same aspirations. As practice shows, expecting a person to change is in most cases useless.

Having comprehensively assessed candidates for the role of a permanent partner, a wise woman will choose the man who has the highest chance of bringing victory to their love relationship. To do this, you first need to weed out the obvious losers.

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Why do many girls, having left the ranks of the unmarried, exclaim: “Oh, what he was like!” “How he changed after the wedding!” “Where was I looking before!” Let's find out how to get married without making a tragic mistake.

Of course, everyone has their own selection criteria. Someone is looking for a good friend, someone is looking for a big wallet, others are looking for a brilliant lover... Marriages of convenience, a stamp for the sake of a stamp, because “it’s time” and, finally, a wedding, to which a great feeling led. All these options can be the beginning of a long journey together, or they can end in discord and divorce.

To choose your ideal partner for life, we recommend considering a man as a whole. After all, a “daddy with a big pocket” can be a stingy person, an excellent lover can be a reveler Casanova, and the object of love can be an uneducated lazy person.

If you decided to take an important step, said “yes” when he took a knee, try to take a broader view. So, here is a set of rules for choosing a husband

Women are often mistaken in thinking: “He will change.” Unfortunately, miracle exceptions rarely happen. If during courtship he rarely called, did not accompany you home, was an unimportant lover, did not give gifts, did not pamper, did not love your friends and many, many other “NOTs”, understand: these “NOTs” will not go anywhere. He won't start showering you with flowers, won't change his attitude towards your best friend, and won't become macho. Rather, on the contrary: in your life together you will recognize those sides of him that he had not demonstrated before.

Hence, the first rule: do not expect changes for the better. If you are not happy with something in a relationship, and during the pre-wedding period you were unable to change it, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Getting to know his parents shouldn't be underestimated. Most often, we consciously (or not completely) transfer into our marriage family traditions, the system of relations between relatives, and the distribution of roles of spouses. Having seen his father, the relationship between his parents, you will better understand your loved one. You will not be offended by some things, understanding that for him this is the norm.

If it is not customary in his family to organize holidays at home, celebrate birthdays, or give gifts, it will be difficult to instill new habits in his husband. But teaching him to celebrate holidays or give gifts is possible. Teach by example, encourage his attempts to please you.

The biggest difficulty is with the distribution of roles. If in the chosen one’s family the man is the head, owner and breadwinner, most likely the son will follow in his father’s footsteps (although there are exceptions). In the case when his mother spent her entire life in charge of everyday life, raising children, earning money, and his father lay on the couch and “didn’t worry,” a bad example can become contagious. In this case, take a closer look at the groom again to see if he has the makings of a gigolo...

Second rule: we take a closer look at his parents: are you satisfied with the model of their relationship?

It is very important to take care of each other. If you try to treat him, care about his health, help solve his problems, and all this without an answer, then such a relationship is worthless. It is very difficult to live with a husband whose EGO is placed on a pedestal, on which there is simply no room for another personality.

Answer these questions: “If you come home tired and hungry, will he cook dinner for you?” “If you decide to rest during the day, will he behave like a mouse, guarding your sleep?” “If you are sick and need to go to the hospital, will he drop everything and take you wherever you say? Or will you have to figure it out yourself?”

Family life is not always a straight and clean road in the middle of a blooming garden. Sometimes these are bumps, holes, and logs that you need to get over again and again. And you can’t do this without reliable support and support.

Rule number three: choose a husband who takes care of you!

Does he value your opinion or does he consider you the weaker sex in everything? Does he talk about work? Sharing your problems? Is it important for you, in addition to signs of attention, to also receive signs of respect? Or do you want to be a powerless addition to your husband without your own voice?

Lack of respect can cause many conflicts. You share your opinion about his work, and he responds by saying that his secretary thinks differently. It is believed that for a man the most painful betrayal of his wife is physical, and for a woman it is spiritual and intellectual. If a husband is more interested in being with a work colleague, if the opinion of another woman is more valuable to him, the situation is not pleasant. What will it lead to? There are many options: from jealousy to low self-esteem.

So the fourth rule: respect and respect again. Choose a husband who considers you an equal, who values your opinion and has a sincere interest in it!

Life is made up of little things. When he snores at night, you can forget about love. When you collect his socks around the apartment, hear him slurp or smell bad breath, love can hide under the weight of seemingly insignificant details.

It is equally important that he is not irritated by your habits, otherwise life together will turn into a series of mutual nit-picking and discontent.

Fifth rule: you must accept your man with all his strengths and weaknesses, and he must accept you. Otherwise, feelings, as often happens, will be shattered in everyday life...

Do you know about his views on life? Different beliefs can be a very unpleasant surprise and cause of disagreement. You want to have children, but in the next ten years he won’t even want to hear about that. You are planning to make a career, but he believes that a woman should provide family comfort. You dream of traveling around Europe together, and he spends his entire vacation fishing. They say that it doesn’t matter what your views are, as long as you look in the same direction. But views can indeed become a serious problem.

Rule six: discuss important points for you in advance so as not to make claims against each other after the wedding. It is important to know in advance what you are getting into when you sign the registry office documents...

The man is an open book written in Chinese. There is a lot of truth in this joke. Men and women are built differently, sometimes representatives of different sexes simply cannot understand each other due to gender characteristics.

Do you understand each other perfectly? Do you have to constantly explain your behavior, prove that you are right, defend the right to your desires? Do you want to tell him about your day, share your dreams, seek advice? Do you laugh at each other's jokes?

Rule seven: choose a man you understand and who understands you. The perfect combination: husband, lover and friend in one person!

And now advice from the contrary

. Think very carefully about whether you should get married if he:

- drinks a lot, leads an unhealthy lifestyle.

- stuck in childhood. At 15 years old, being informal is funny, but punk at 30 is a stop in development...

- a womanizer, if he has already cheated on you or someone else before.

— easily loses his temper if he raises his hand to you.

- speaks poorly of other women, exes and, especially, his mother.

- is too jealous and makes scandals out of the blue.

- doesn’t study, doesn’t work, doesn’t care about the future.

Remember: there are exceptions to all rules. Choose carefully and be happy!

Final Thoughts: How to Choose the Right Guy

If you start adhering to these points, take a good look and filter all potential partners, you will definitely find a person with whom you will build a harmonious union. And even if one of the values presented above does not coincide with you, it’s okay. Nothing ideal exists in the world. Just work in this direction and everything will be fine. But if two or more values do not coincide, then this is a wake-up call. And no matter how hard you try, it will be very difficult for you to build a successful relationship with this person.

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Guy's attitude towards marriage

If you have figured out your boyfriend's attitude towards girls, then find out how he feels about more serious relationships. A person who fundamentally does not want to get married will give himself away right away, and don’t even think about convincing him - people don’t change! And it is advisable to find out how a guy sees his ideal family, and what role a woman has in it. If he is sure that his wife should mainly do the washing, cleaning and cooking, then ask yourself: are you ready to spend your whole life struggling alone with everyday issues?

Of course, a woman’s duty is to keep the house warm, but, as a rule, the incorrect distribution of household responsibilities does not lead to anything good. Without a man’s help, it’s difficult to do household chores, and too quickly it becomes annoying that your chosen one is able to sit back and fool around for hours. Lack of support in household chores will kill any love in the bud.