Punishing children is a hot topic that always causes holi-wars on social networks and forums. Some people think that there is nothing wrong with slapping a child on the bottom or slapping him on the head for disobedience. Someone is categorically against physical manifestations of violence and prefers, in the event of a childish offense, to simply stop talking to the child, believing that education by silence is an effective thing. (Spoiler: no.)
So where is the line after which punishment = violence, how to raise children so as not to traumatize their psyche, but at the same time teach them to take responsibility for their actions? We'll talk about this in our new article. We will also figure out why children behave badly, who is to blame and what to do. How to punish, how not to, and in the end - 18 tips from psychologists that will help build a balanced education system, without distortions into punishment and permissiveness.
Content:
- Punishing children
- Bad behavior: why a child does not obey Why difficulties arise in parenting
- Punishments in the culture of different countries
- Boundaries in education
Punishing children
There is no other topic in terms of raising children that causes so much emotion and heated debate among parents. If in the 90s there was more debate about how best to punish - to spank with a belt or stop talking, now the battles have shifted to the field of “punish or talk,” and this is good news.
In dictionaries, the word “punishment” is interpreted as the application of undesirable or unpleasant influences to another person in order to stop or stop unwanted or anti-normative behavior.
Any punishment implies inequality because it is the authoritative coercion of someone into desirable behavior.
Punishment always includes:
- punisher - a kind of judge, legislator who determines what is right and wrong;
- punished - one who experiences suffering as a result of the actions of another person.
There is no doubt that it is best to explain the rules to the child, talk and tell him how to behave correctly. For most children, such conversations are enough (it is important to know and be able to talk like this). But we all differ from each other in constitution, temperament, character traits, desires, needs and much more. Therefore, there will always be children who are temperamental, stubborn, persistent in their desires, who do not want to listen and obey.
Bad Company
Many teenagers begin to steal and commit other similar offenses in the company of friends, without whom they would not even think about such actions. If your child steals in front of friends, you should discuss this problem with him. You might consider stopping your child from hanging out with these friends, but you need to be realistic—this strategy usually has the opposite effect and makes these friends even more attractive to your teen. Instead, you should work with your child on the ability to refuse. Teach him to say, "You can do what you want, but I don't want any more trouble, so I'll wait outside."
Bad behavior: why your child doesn't listen
What to do in situations where conversation does not help, and the child behaves destructively towards others, denies and breaks the rules? Should I endure it, swear, go to a psychologist or hang up my belt?
Of course, go to a psychologist if you feel difficulties communicating with children that you find difficult to cope with. I think every psychologist at the reception heard:
- I understand that you can’t yell, but I don’t know what to do
- He (s) doesn’t listen to me at all, what should I do?
- We scolded him (her), put him in a corner, and spanked him a couple of times, nothing works.
- Tell me, at what age and should children be punished?
- How to deal with disobedience?
Do you have children? If not, then just remember your childhood. And before reading further, do the following :
- Write down in a column all the rewards that you use when raising a child. Happened?
- Now write down in another column all the punishments that you use when the child does not obey.
- Compare the two lists. Which one turned out longer? Which was harder to write?
- Now, opposite each item, write a clear definition of what exactly you are using this reward and punishment for.
This task highlights what we don’t notice in our daily parenting routine - as a rule, we hand out punishments left and right and completely forget to reward our children for doing something good and right. Everything that a child does correctly is taken for granted by us and we do not notice it, focusing only on the negative and children’s mistakes.
Why are there difficulties in parenting?
Difficulties in raising children are associated with several things:
There is not a sufficient arsenal of means to influence a child (information problem)
The parent would be glad not to yell, but he doesn’t know how to do it differently, because, for example, there was no positive experience in his family.
Imbalance of rewards and punishments towards the latter
In this case, the motivation to follow the rules decreases (what is the point of obeying if you will be punished anyway)
Inconsistency in parenting
- Unpredictability
When parents behave unpredictably and change the punishment for the same offense (they will either yell at you, spank you, deprive you of cartoons, or simply scold you). As a result, the child does not have a clear understanding of “what happens for what.” Punishments in this case are perceived more as the impulsiveness of the parent. As a result, the child’s anxiety increases, neurotic reactions arise (after all, every time he does something wrong, the child does not know what to expect from his parents), behavior worsens, i.e., that same “disobedience” arises.
- Inconsistency
When different family members use different parenting techniques, and there are no general rules in the family. The consequences are the same as in the first paragraph.
- Inconsistency between the child’s age and the requirements placed on him by adults
There are children who by the age of 3 speak perfectly, are ahead of their peers in intellectual development, and, for example, are tall. Such a child is almost always perceived by his parents as more mature than he actually is, and they begin to demand that he perform such actions and complex instructions as if he were an older preschooler. For example, parents may be concerned that the child does not clean his room or does not put his toys back after playing. Naturally, the child begins to be capricious, cry often, and signs of neurotic reactions (tics, fears, sleep disturbances and behavior) may appear.
- Neurological or developmental problems
It happens that parents do not see developmental difficulties behind bad behavior or find it difficult to admit it.
- Hyperactivity
Attention deficit disorder can be accompanied by impulsiveness of a child and adolescent, impaired concentration and volitional qualities. In this case, children break the rules and do not obey not because they do not want to, but because they cannot remember the instructions and stay within the boundaries of what is permitted. The mistake in this case would be excessive pressure and demands.
- Inconsistent parenting behavior and unclear rules for everyone
In this case, the child’s condition can be compared to a novice driver who does not know the traffic rules. He breaks the rules without knowing about them, or hoping that he will “slip through” because he has succeeded in doing so before.
- Different parenting tactics for different family members
This can lead to neuroticism in the child, as a result he becomes disobedient and capricious.
- Many prohibitions
Sometimes parents are so worried about the safety or “proper upbringing” of their children that in the house and on the street all they hear is “you can’t”, “move away”, “don’t interfere”, “it’s too early for you”. It's like the whole world is becoming off limits. This situation is unacceptable for a child who is just learning about the world and has a strong interest in everything new. Therefore, it is logical that he “stops hearing” these prohibitions.
- Lack of attention from adults
If a child is given little attention in the family, then he begins to attract him in any way, including bad behavior. Indifference is worse than punishment for a child.
Punishments in the culture of different countries
There have been many monocultural and several cross-cultural studies regarding the punishment of children. According to statistics, 7% of cultures use corporal punishment of children, but it is “frequent” in only 20% of communities. In 82% of cultures, suggestion, demonstration of behavior examples, and other softer methods of education are most often used compared to physical punishment.
There are cultures where beating children and any kind of physical influence are not used at all. For example, Canadian Bedouin Inuit never beat children and generally give them maximum freedom. If a child behaves badly, they usually make fun of him and tease him, and if he ignores the comments, they stop talking to him.
In Japanese culture, there is a period of permissiveness - from birth to 5 years. At this time, they generally try not to demand ideal behavior from the child, do not make any special comments to him and do not limit his behavior. At this stage of development, parents only explain why this should not be done and express their disappointment about the bad behavior. However, by the time a child enters school, the child’s behavior is already strictly regulated by the rules of conduct.
Is it possible to punish or scold a child?
If by punishment we mean beatings and screaming, then no. If we are talking about prohibitions and methods of maintaining rules and establishing boundaries of what is permitted, then yes. There should be bans in any case.
A full-fledged parent is not one who only praises the child, but one who creates conditions for development.
This is a person who introduces the world, rules and promotes the child’s adaptation in the world and society.
If a child in the family has not learned to adhere to the rules of behavior, then he will break them outside the family, only the world will not forgive him as readily as his parents.
Boundaries in education
An important role in education is played by the correct establishment of personal psychological boundaries.
Healthy Boundaries:
- serve to maintain integrity: physical and emotional;
- allow you to build relationships with other people without conflict.
If a child was indulged in everything in the family, extremely comfortable conditions were created, then it is likely that when he goes out into the world, this world will seem too cruel and unpredictable to him. As a result, such a person is injured more than an ordinary adult and experiences enormous stress.
Stealing from teenagers
As a child enters adolescence, the reasons why they might steal become more varied and complex. Many teenagers shoplift in front of their friends to impress them, since in most cases the riskiest behavior is the most impressive among their peers. Some teenagers use stealing as a way to assert their independence in a world where adults rule. Teens may also steal out of boredom or if they are looking for a thrill. They may feel that stealing, like all other types of bad behavior, is the only way to get their parents' attention. They may also steal to get revenge on someone who has harmed them or treated them unfairly. And, of course, teenagers may steal for practical reasons, for example, if they want something they cannot afford.
Criteria and purposes of punishment
Since any punishment is an action that causes suffering in its object, several criteria are decisive and very important when choosing how to punish a child for disobedience:
- Actions by which punishment is carried out
Their range is wide: from a gesture of disapproval or a simple verbal remark to severe beatings.
- Tools by which punishment is carried out
It could be a word or a belt.
- Legitimation
Methods of justifying punishment, proving their necessity, legality and proportionality.
Every punishment usually has some purpose. No one in their right mind punishes a child just like that, in advance, for prevention or because of a bad mood. All punishments, as a rule, come down to three goals:
- Take revenge.
- Intimidate so that the child does not repeat similar actions in the future.
- Long-term changes in value orientations and motivation, changes in behavior.
Let him know that this is unacceptable
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You need to make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate theft in your home, and clearly communicate to him the consequences of stealing in the future. If this happens again, be sure to implement the consequences you promised him. However, do not forget about the presumption of innocence, so do not rummage through your child’s things until you have clear evidence that he has started stealing again.
Punishments: how is it possible? 6 “legal” ways of punishment
Natural Consequences Method
This method is psychologically painless and most appropriate at any age. For example, a 3-year-old child wants to wear ski pants on a summer day. You can explain why you think shorts would be better for a walk, but you don't try to influence the decision, but give him the opportunity to see from his own experience that if he dresses like that, he will be hot.
What is understood through personal experience is remembered for a long time. When using this method, it is very important for parents not to fall into schadenfreude like “I told you so!”
Comment
Often, instead of a remark (when a parent pays attention to something), reproaches and criticism occur (“You’re always a mess!”). It is important that this is not a reproach, but a reason to look for a solution to the problem.
For example: “I get upset and angry when I step on construction kit parts scattered all over the floor throughout the apartment. Let’s think together about what we can do about it.”
Time-out
A method when a child is removed from a common space into a separate room and left there alone for a while. This allows you to temporarily increase the distance between the adult and the child and “cool down” and regulate your emotions.
It is believed that a child alone is not traumatized by a time interval in minutes that is a multiple of his age. For example, for a 3-year-old child it’s 3 minutes, for a 4-year-old child it’s four, etc. The room where you take the child to “cool down” should be bright, with a window. Under no circumstances should you use a closet, toilet or other dark room.
Ignoring
Don't reward unwanted behavior with attention. A good method, but difficult to implement - it is usually difficult for adults to maintain composure and not react to negative manifestations in the child’s behavior.
Deprivation
This is when, for violating the rules, a child is deprived of something important and desirable for himself. For example, a ban on watching cartoons or playing computer games.
It is important that the child knows the initial agreements, for what exactly and what he will lose in case of non-compliance with the rules. You can’t just deprive a child of watching cartoons if he “behaved badly” today. You must agree on this initially.
For preschool children, these rules and deprivations can be drawn or, if the child already knows how to read, written on a plastic board or piece of paper and hung on the wall. Often children behave badly not because they are evil, but because they have forgotten.
The second important point is the proportionality of punishment. A small offense is a small deprivation. It is illogical to deprive someone of watching TV for 2 months for a minor offense, and besides, it will be difficult for adults to endure it themselves.
Symbolic Economics Method
A very well-working method for middle school-age children and teenagers. When at a family council they agree with the child what actions are awarded points and in what quantity, and for what they are deprived of “points.”
It is important to develop a system of rewards, accrual and write-off of points. Then the accumulated points are exchanged for something valuable for the child. This could be something tangible (for example, buying a car, a magazine, etc.) or not (for example, an extra 15 minutes of playing on the computer, a board game with parents, or a walk with friends)
In this method, it is important that points are not obtained very easily, but not very difficult either - in both cases, motivation will be lost.
This method in a simple version is suitable for children 4-5 years old. From the age of 9-10 and including adolescence, this method of regulating behavior is best suited. It makes sense to even try to conclude a written agreement with teenagers if you cannot reach an agreement verbally.
6.1 Limitation
This is a method when, in response to a violation of important rules, a restriction of rights is introduced.
For example, for each violation of the rule, the evening curfew begins 15 minutes earlier, i.e. the child goes to bed not at 21:00, but at 20:45.
We must understand that there is not one single best way to regulate children’s behavior and instill in them good habits: some are more sensitive, others are “thick-skinned.” There are no identical children and no identical families, so it is more important to decide for yourself the principles that you will adhere to in communicating with children, and choose the best methods for yourself and your child that will not destroy anyone present, but are strategically useful for the development of the child .
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