Oedipus complex This is a mental disorder, which is characterized by the presence of a number of impulses that are uncontrollable and unconscious in relation to their parents.
A boy usually develops a dislike for his own father, which develops against the background of developing love or sexual impulses towards his mother
Sigmund Freud gave this name to this deviation, using the myth of Oedipus, who killed his father and married his mother.
The theories put forward by Sigmund Freud have undergone certain changes in modern practice. Today, experts believe that the Oedipus complex is not considered a universal deviation, a certain stage of which is typical for representatives of all cultures: the biological factor is rejected in favor of social components.
In addition, many experts do not agree with the possibility of such a deviation in girls, so for such cases a term was introduced - the Electra complex, in which a girl is attracted to her father and rejects her mother.
Period 3-5 years
The age of a child from 3 to 5 years is considered quite difficult, since most boys face difficult internal contradictions to overcome.
They may see their father as their main competitor and rival, but at the same time he can also be a role model for them.
This age is characterized by an active desire to obtain a position in the family on an equal basis with their parents, disobedient behavior, and a desire for personal manifestation. This is caused by a reluctance to be a child for one’s mother, but to be on an equal footing with the father or take his place.
The contradiction lies in the fact that at the same time the father is also an exemplary model of behavior, since he has already managed to win the mother’s favor, which allowed him to be near her.
At this time, the participation of the father in the process of raising the child is of great importance, since he shapes the masculinity of his son, regardless of whether he sees him as a mentor or a rival. At the subconscious level, the child always retains the awareness that he does not have the right to take the place of his father. This contributes to the emergence of fear - if the father finds out about his aspirations, punishment will follow.
All the processes described gradually lead to the formation of a serious internal conflict. Depending on the timing and methods of its resolution, character traits in adulthood will be determined, and this will also have a certain impact on relationships with other people, regardless of their gender.
The role of the mother in such a situation is also very significant, since she must give up the position of favorite that her son assigned her. This will contribute to the correct distribution of roles within the family, as well as their awareness by the child, who must understand that he is its youngest member, but no less loved for this fact.
What if my son wants me as a woman? How to help a teenager?
I have already written that it would be good to immediately contact a psychologist so that the boy can communicate personally with a specialist. A knowledgeable person will be able to get to the very roots of the problem and help cope with it.
But if there is no way to do this in the near future... First, you need to talk to your son. It is necessary. Remind him that you are his parent, and not an available woman. Of course, it’s very great that you are an ideal for your son, which means he will look for a girl similar to you. It's flattering, but nothing more. Explain that he is a separate person and there is no need to isolate himself on his mother, sitting by her skirt in the kitchen. Secondly, stop any attempts to get closer (unfortunately, this also happens). After several firm refusals, interest will disappear on its own.
Be your son's friend and comrade, a wise mother. Keep your distance but give love. Mom should be a safe haven, a person who will always understand, support and forgive.
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More than a mother's love
Which is scary and looks inadequate. The first references to deviation from the norm:
- A woman changes clothes in front of her son, although his age is already realized. He shows first interests in the opposite sex.
- He walks around in a revealing outfit at home: in a negligee, provocative underwear. Arouses incestuous desire.
- Is jealous of members of the opposite sex. He perceives them as real competitors. The competition is not just for the title of who has the tastiest borscht.
- He asks the girl for details of her sex life with her son.
- Without hesitation, she discusses her intimate life in the presence of her son. If the boy is a teenager, he can tell him personally. An example of incestuous neglect.
- Taking a bath with the child, or helping with bathing - washing the genitals. Mom doesn’t teach her son to do this on his own and stops attempts. He receives sensations from touching intimate places only with his mother’s hands.
- They sleep in the same bed. It is justified - the child is simply scared. Up to 4 years old - this is acceptable. Until preschool age, it is normal in isolated cases: overexcited, scared, nervous, sick. If this is systemic, it deprives the child of independence. From the age of six, the child switches to studying the bodies of other people. But more thoroughly than in kindergarten. Now he is interested in intimate relationships.
- Kisses on the lips, neck, erogenous places. The mother may not think twice and may think that the child is too young to understand this. According to psychotherapist Boris Suvorov, the psychosexual development of a child begins before 6 years of age. Then, his sexual inclinations are formed, he listens to sensations. Exciting reactions to the mother's touch can affect its formation.
"Oh! Now I’ll kiss you, I’ll kiss you!” - it’s cute when a mother kisses her little child in a playful way. But, it is growing and these games should become a thing of the past. It’s not for nothing that teenage boys react harshly to this manifestation of their mother’s love. They feel growing up. Soon a new woman will appear in his life, besides his mother.
This type of incest is disguised as overprotection, endless maternal love, or even neglect. Therefore, it is difficult to recognize. The parent intentionally or covertly seduces the child. In the future, it will be difficult for a child to build a full-fledged family life and be sexually active.
The reasons for this behavior on the part of matter
- Libidinal incestuousness can be inherited from childhood. The child may not notice the deviation. The behavior seems normal to him, because he grew up in such an environment. Probably repeating the experience from childhood on my own children. At the same time, if there was a fact of incest in the family, then the grown-up child is afraid of the parent’s touch, avoids it, and feels disgust.
- A woman is trying to compensate for love experiences. If men often deceived and betrayed her, she finds solace in her son. He becomes a standard for her that cannot leave, he already belongs to her. Mom often focuses on this: “My boy, my man.”
- Mental illnesses or psychological disorders.
Children should not be underestimated. They study and understand everything. Knowledge, feelings, sensations shape their future. The attitude of the parent determines what the psychosexual health of the child will be.
Birth
The relationship between mother and daughter at the initial stage is a symbiosis of two. The calmest and safest period for the fetus is its first nine months, which it spends in the womb of a woman. Subconsciously, every person remembers that feeling of serenity and strives to find it in the world around them.
Then the baby is born. And this is a difficult test for both him and his mother. Childbirth can be painful and difficult. During birth, some newborns sometimes receive birth injuries, the consequences of which a person sometimes suffers for the rest of his life. This moment is not easy for a woman either. After childbirth, serious hormonal changes occur in her body, financial difficulties arise, and violent emotions appear, ranging from joyful feelings to prolonged depression.
The mother’s condition has a direct impact on the baby’s psyche. But at the same time, a newborn daughter also begins to influence the woman. Sometimes a child who has received certain injuries during childbirth does not respond as actively to affection and intimacy as the mother would like. And this can already become the source of the beginning of misunderstanding in relations between close people.
Despite this, in the first year of a girl’s life, the psychological symbiosis of the mother-daughter relationship continues to persist. After all, the baby is helpless and requires constant attention and care. During this period, the woman devotes all her time to her and introduces her to the world around her.
At the symbiosis stage, girls need their mother's love. They completely trust their loved one and learn many things from him. Mom, in turn, needs the devotion and unconditional love of a little child’s heart. At the same time, she becomes the best and most beautiful in the world for her daughter. If at this stage the girl lacks attention, then she can remain at the stage of symbiosis for a long time. At the same time, in the future the child will try to please the mother in order to win her love. In this case, the child will not develop his own interests.
Variations of the Oedipus complex
Today, many specialists in the field of psychoanalysis have changed their attitude towards the Oedipus complex, and they have introduced a number of their own elements into it, all of which will be discussed in more detail below.
Carl Gustav Jung
Jung repeatedly stated that the Oedipus complex, which was described in Freud's classical theory, could not be applied to describe a similar condition observed in girls. Freud believed that the deviation he described explained the homosexual attraction of girls to their own mothers, but Jung introduced a fundamentally new Electra complex, according to which girls are attracted to their fathers and do not perceive their mother.
Alfred Adler
Alfred Adler greatly developed Freud's theory regarding this disorder, pointing out that it did not take into account the influence of brothers or sisters on the development of pathology.
He made serious adjustments, using the terminology and basic concepts of his own school to describe the classic version of the Oedipus complex.
He considered spoiledness to be the main reason for such deviations, and the desire to take his father’s place was only one of its manifestations. He considered sexual attraction a secondary factor that arises due to rapid maturation and provocations from maternal caresses.
Erich Fromm
Erich Fromm agrees with Freud's statements on most issues related to this deviation. He offers only minor adjustments, believing that the child does not strive to take the place of the father, but becomes overly attached to the parents who protect him, while he is capable of experiencing attraction not only to the mother, and it is not in all cases of a sexual nature.
Conflicts that arise with the father are considered by Fromm exclusively as by-products of a patriarchal society, since every father considers the child to be his property. Considering this specific nature of the conflict, it cannot be associated with sexual competition for a place near the mother, since it is a manifestation of the desire to gain personal freedom and independence.
Melanie Klein
The Oedipus complex, according to Klein, is an attempt by Sigmund to minimize the importance of the mother in the process of forming the child’s personality and character. In addition, she actively criticized Freud for choosing a boy as the proposed model.
One of Klein's main conclusions is that it is possible to observe similar deviations in the relationship between child and parent even at an earlier stage. The reason for this is the negative mental state that the child experiences due to the cessation of breastfeeding.
Otto Rank
Otto Rank disagreed with Sigmund's position on a number of aspects, in particular, he rejected the relationship between the development of the superego and the father's castration threats.
He believed that this process is largely influenced by the image of a strict mother, which is a product of the child’s false perception of reality.
He also believed that the cause of most of the manifestations of nervousness is the trauma of birth, which occurs after rejection from the mother's womb. In many ways, Rank agreed with Fromm, in particular in his assumptions that there is no sexual competition between father and son.
Karen Horney
Karen Horney viewed the Oedipus complex in a completely different way and actively criticized Freud's classical theory. Her assumption was that the occurrence of such a deviation occurs solely due to processes occurring within the family and errors in upbringing.
First of all, they lie in the fact that the child may witness various scenes of a sexual nature or experience pressure from the mother, who is trying to tie him to herself.
Criticism of the phenomenon
A number of experts believe that today there is no reliable data that can confirm the presence of the Oedipus complex. A more radical view is to deny the existence of scientific methods that could cope with such a task. Many of the supporters of this idea believe that Freud's classical theory is a product of subjective introspection, and not the result of work with patients, and therefore it is only an unproven hypothesis.
Criticism of child sexuality
Many experts question a child’s ability to experience sexual desire, since testosterone and other sex hormones are produced in minimal quantities in childhood. However, supporters of Sigmund Freud's theories do not agree with such criticism, since they believe that puberty is characterized not only by the formation of the genital organs and the production of corresponding hormones, but also by the organization of certain psychological structures.
Universality debate
As mentioned earlier, a number of experts reject the universality of this deviation and its biological component. In particular, Bronislaw Malinowski conducted a series of studies that proved the absence of such pathology in some wild tribes. However, some experts, for example, Geza Roheim, believe that he was able to prove the opposite hypothesis, indicating the universality of the Oedipus complex.
Criticism in the context of schizoanalysis
Schizoanalysis was developed in the early 70s of the last century and is one of the areas of poststructuralism. Its supporters completely reject the Oedipus complex, considering it one of the most striking repressive symbols of the capitalist system. The main complaint is that this deviation is limited to the family framework, which does not give it the opportunity to explain more complex processes occurring in society. Proponents of this trend recognize psychoanalysis as a whole as an ineffective method of treating mental illness or as a tool for explaining the most complex processes affecting society.
Feminist criticism
Supporters of feminist ideas also disagree with classical Freudian theories; the main object of criticism is the consideration of the process of the emergence of the Oedipus complex among girls.
Representatives of this trend call envy of the male genital organ nothing more than a product of a patriarchal society that seeks to demonstrate the inferiority of women. Kate Millett has repeatedly stated that Freud's ideas, as well as the ways of their practical implementation, are aimed at the oppression of women, therefore he is considered nothing more than an oppressor, and not an independent specialist.
Many feminist supporters also point out that Freud's theory is implausible, since girls are not capable of feeling envy of a male sexual organ, since they have never owned one.
That also happens
I came early in the morning to see a friend, he is 28 years old. We were planning to go to work together. He just got out of bed and sat down to have breakfast. Mom comes into the kitchen. She was wearing only shorts and a bra - I felt embarrassed. She knew I was here, but did not get dressed. Then the son jumps up, saying “good morning,” squeezes his mother tightly and kisses her on the lips. Overall it looked scary. Maybe things would have looked different if she had dressed up and the kiss had been on the cheek.
Alexandra. 26 years
“My mother divorced my father when I was little. She tried to arrange her personal life and changed many men. I don't judge. But in shock, when in front of me, she tells her friends and my wife about her “adventures.” I told her, and still tell her, to stop doing this. I don't want to listen to this. But she doesn't care."
Alexei. 28 years
About grandmothers. A woman I know, she is already over 60. She looks great for her age, so calling her a grandmother would be hard to come by. She has a good reputation, her mother was a teacher at the institute, the family is in good standing. And this same woman lets her 6-year-old grandson touch and stroke her breasts at night. The boy runs to his grandmother and demands to “smoke” his chest. Grandma approves, doesn’t even object, she says it’s hard for him to fall asleep. But he does this with genuine interest. When grandma is not at home, she falls asleep quite normally on her own.
Anastasia. 29 years
Relationship with adult daughter
Sometimes in life between close people there can be complete harmony or outright hostility. But at the same time, the relationship between mother and adult daughter will never be neutral.
If a woman often criticizes her child, this may indicate her dissatisfaction with herself. The same applies to the reverse situation. An adult daughter's reproaches against her mother are an indicator of her failure in life. After all, blaming is always much easier. But not everyone can take responsibility. This behavior is usually characteristic of immature individuals.
Modern psychoanalysis
Modern experts for the most part agree that there is a connection between the Oedipus complex and the psychosexual development of a person. At the same time, a number of aspects of the classical theory put forward by Freud were still revised. The disagreement is mainly related to the possibility of developing such a deviation in girls, as well as the universality of this pathology and its biological component.
Recommendations for parents
A common mistake that many fathers make is to be too soft if they notice fear or a negative attitude on the part of their son. Such a reaction leads to a feeling of permissiveness and can be subconsciously regarded by the child as a sign of weakness.
This also applies to the mother, who may have certain problems in her relationship with her daughter. She must be able to show the strength of her character at the right moment, which will not allow a feeling of permissiveness to arise. When communicating and raising a son, it is important to maintain the right balance: you should not be afraid to show your love for your husband, but at the same time you need to pay due attention to the child and at the same time not highlight him against the father, which can lead to an incorrect understanding of roles within the family.
As practice shows, in most cases there is no equality in the family, since one of the parents always shows a certain leniency towards a child of the opposite sex. At the same time, the relationship between them is much simpler, which is explained by the lack of competition that arises between father and son or mother and daughter.
Below are some recommendations from experts that will make your relationship with your children easier and stronger:
- The period of experiencing the Oedipus complex is difficult not only for parents, but also for children. The child at this stage needs help and communication, which will allow him to understand that the mother or father is not exclusively his property.
- The child needs to be reassured; this will happen if he realizes that his parents know his problem, but they are not angry with him for it, but want to help.
- It is necessary to explain the roles within the family and the meaning of marriage. The knowledge that he will grow up and find himself a wife who will suit his age will ease his mental state.
- Parents should not allow their child to interfere in adult conversations, but this should be done gently.
- The child must be protected from observing sexual scenes or violent manifestations of emotions.
- You should not be rude towards any of the parents.
Attraction to mother
Hello, I want to ask for advice and am ready to immediately share the observations about myself that I have been making for two months.
I will write quite a lot, and therefore if this is tiring for you, you don’t have to answer, but I really need help.
I am 19 years old and I have a sexual attraction to my mother, which has been going on for 7-9 years. (I haven’t felt guilty about this for a very long time, and to be honest, I even began to consider this normal, although it is not)
Around the same time, when the attraction to my mother appeared, I began to gradually close myself off, afraid of people, and at the moment I realized (by comparing myself with friends and acquaintances) that I do not know how to express love, emotions and feelings and think clearly. (a year ago I was in a relationship with a girl with whom I could never come during sex, while she came 1-2 times) Passion awoke for her only at a distance, in correspondence, but when we met, I was very cold and imitated feelings. (although I loved her, for some reason I forbade myself to show it)
in the 5th grade I had my first relationship with a girl during which I had a traumatic experience when I was publicly humiliated by her “boyfriend”, so much so that I burst into tears and I was very scared. Then (I don’t remember this segment, no matter how hard I tried to remember) something happened and I wished death on my girlfriend and her mother too.
I have been burring since childhood, and it was a serious complex that instilled terrible uncertainty in me until I was 17 years old. (at the moment this doesn’t bother me at all, rather I’m even glad about it)
The closest friends with whom I spent a lot of time always joked about me and gave me nicknames, and very often when I said something, my words were ridiculed. in the 3rd grade, the class teacher gave me an intervention in the middle of the lesson, publicly condemning me and telling me how bad I was (at school until the 7th grade, I was violent and often fought) and as a result, my classmates escorted me home in a crowd, where they told everything to my father and he for the first time hit me (from the foot to the chest, although it didn’t hurt very much)
I love my father, although he is an alcoholic, there is no relationship with my mother as a son-mother, she has been freely cheating on her father for 10 years, traveling around Europe with different men. He brings money, equipment, etc. and I have never seen my father be indignant about this. In my opinion, they have some kind of agreement, the relationship between father and mother is excellent, they are like brother and sister, but there is no love.
I realized the significance of much of the above just recently when I began to study psychology and practice introspection. Until this time, I did not in any way connect these events with each other and with who I am at the moment, although even now it is difficult to find a connection. I’m afraid of meeting people, especially girls; I rather have no interest in meeting people and no enthusiasm (when I was hitchhiking with a friend, I was obliged to meet people, since it was impossible without it and I succeeded), but just in life there is an interest in There is no pleasure in this and, it seems to me, I don’t get any pleasure from it.
In the company of strangers, I am generally afraid to say a word, especially if these people are perceived as “cooler” than me. Over the past couple of months, I have learned to open up more or less, to admit to friends that I am shy and unsure of myself (I have managed and manage to hide this all my life).
Had experience using LSD, other acids, ecstasy, amphetamine, marijuana for some time.
Now this is all in the past, although it has had its advantages in understanding my Self. But there is also a disadvantage - now I have developed pareidolia and I see faces in textures where, by definition, they do not exist. Nothing worries me anymore.
I’ve been meditating for 4 months, studying psychology, and keeping a self-observation diary.
I apologize for piling up a randomly written biography of my life, but I need at least some advice, guidance, maybe guesses. How can I overcome my neurosis of attraction to my mother, is this related to my social phobias and what should I do? I would be very grateful for any thoughts on this matter, since there is no way to make an appointment with a psychotherapist and begin treatment, which may take more than a year. (Parents won’t understand, and there’s no money).
But if you advise me to see a specialist, then tell me which one is better and which method of therapy to choose, but I will be very grateful for advice on my situation.
Sexual attraction to mother (1 answer)
“Best friend” or infantile mother?
Quite a few girls dream of a warm, friendly relationship with their mother. And that's great! Only if communication does not go beyond boundaries. Why is being “best friends” with your mom not completely ok? What's the catch here?
In most cases, it is infantile and immature women who become “best friends” for their girls. They themselves are not yet ready to accept responsibility for themselves and their lives, much less for their daughter.
Usually such a woman takes advantage of her weakness and does everything possible to have someone else solve her problems. This is the type of mother who often shifts responsibility for her actions onto her daughter, and she, as a child, is forced to solve problems that are far from childish.
As a rule, in such relationships, boundaries are drawn incorrectly and roles change. The mother makes easy decisions: buys the same clothes for her and her daughter, chooses places for entertainment, and so on. But the daughter has to make difficult decisions. And throughout my entire life.
Even as a child, the daughter had to take on the role of an Adult and solve her own problems and the problems of her infantile mother. And if in such a family there was no strong father figure, then in the position of the Adult the daughter will take exactly the male role.
The mother’s influence on her daughter’s fate will be as follows: in adulthood, it will be difficult for her to create her own image of femininity. In a relationship with a man, a woman will rarely take the initiative due to constraint and inability to express her feelings. Often such daughters find partners who are just as infantile as their mother.
Read also: Which women are easy to manipulate?
Daughter's decision
What paths can a girl choose to get rid of constant reproaches?
1. Distance yourself. Sometimes communication between close people becomes so unbearable that it constantly ends in scandals. Limiting it would be the best solution for both parties. Of course, achieving this is not as easy as it seems at first glance. After all, women often continue to live under the same roof. The best solution in this case would be to find a new place of residence for your daughter. And even if it is very inconvenient. An adult daughter must set clear communication boundaries and learn to say “no.” In this case, the mother needs to realize that no one is trying to inflict certain moral damage on her. It’s just that an already matured child makes it clear that he has the right to his own life.
2. Find the edges of contact. Women who have lived together for many years cannot help but have common interests. In order to improve the relationship, some will need to go shopping, while others will need to go to the cinema or theater together. But in any case, both mother and daughter should find themselves in a situation where they feel at ease. Being in a good mood, they are unlikely to start a scandal.
3. Conducting a constructive dialogue. Sometimes, to improve relationships, all people need is a heart-to-heart talk. Perhaps many adult daughters have already tried to do this, but their mothers perceived such a step as an attempt to reproach them for something. Most likely, the conversation should be conducted differently. His daughter should start with the fact that she loves her mother and understands that she is worried about her child. However, she does some things that offend. Such statements will be an impetus for the mother to listen to her daughter’s position and accept it.
Mother doesn't love daughter
There are so many girls around who are insecure, not feminine, and don’t value themselves. The reason for this is maternal dislike. Girls who experience a lack of attention from their parents are different from others from childhood. They have no friends, they are modest, dressed sloppily and do not know how to communicate. It’s a pity for such girls, because the older they become, the harder it is for them to live. More often this happens in single-parent families, with parents of alcoholics and drug addiction. But there are also rich, successful mothers who don’t care about their children.
How to determine that a mother does not love her daughter:
- coldness from the mother;
- indifference in the child’s personal life;
- abuse and assault;
- nurturing a sense of duty to the mother.
The absence of maternal instinct cannot be corrected. If such a relationship is a burden for you, then you should break it off. Psychologists agree that it is impossible to re-educate a mother and better accept her for who she is. But tolerating cruelty is not an option. If there is no one to protect you, then contact the police or guardianship authorities or wait until you reach adulthood to build your own life.
The situation when a mother hates her daughter leads to consequences:
- child's isolation;
- lack of self-confidence;
- inability to be feminine;
- ignorance of one's purpose;
- reluctance to have children of their own.
Children who have escaped from a difficult situation need the help of a psychologist. They will set priorities, give advice on how to cope with uncertainty, feel like a full-fledged person and find a path in life.
