How to get rid of selfishness and in what situation is this really necessary? This topic worries many, because it is directly related to building relationships in society. Every person is naturally caring for personal needs and interests, and self-love.
For their natural and adequate manifestation in the philosophical and ethical environment, a special term has been identified - reasonable egoism. Where is the line between it and egoism in the traditional sense (as a negative character trait)? Ancient philosophers pondered this difficult question.
Here is what Aristotle wrote about this: “Egoism does not consist in loving oneself, but in a greater than proper degree of this love.” These words well reflect the modern approach of psychologists to this issue, helping to understand where that line is.
What is egoism and where does it come from?
The selfishness that you should get rid of concerns not just the ability to live and build relationships in accordance with your interests. It is associated with placing oneself above the family and the rest of the environment due to an inadequate perception of one’s own personality. This behavior does not manifest itself once, but constantly.
The appearance of a distorted perception of reality is associated with a false ego, which consists of selfish desires. When they begin to serve as the main (and sometimes the only) guideline for a person’s actions, the ability to consciously understand one’s feelings and views is impaired. Physical needs and material values come to the fore, for which they sacrifice everything else, including the opinions of others.
What makes the false ego exist?
In philosophical and psychological schools, there are several options for the mechanisms of the existence of the false ego, its predominance over the rest of the inner world. Some believe that it is inherent in the temporary mental shell of the soul, given to it at birth. In other sources, the false ego is considered part of the mind, in others it is isolated as a separate component of the psyche.
The lack of a consensus does not interfere with the definition of why it exists? All concepts agree on one thing: the false ego is based on identifying oneself with the material world and the needs of the physical body. When spiritual values and cultural guidelines lose their significance or, at a minimum, give way to them.
Signs of selfishness
Before we begin to consider ways to get rid of negative egoism, it is important to study its main signs:
- Obsession with oneself. A person is sure that he is the center of the universe around which the rest of the world revolves. His thoughts are busy analyzing only his life situation and making plans to achieve the desired results. He is sure that spending time and energy on others is an inappropriate waste of resources. In conversations, he always draws attention to himself. Doesn't consider it important or necessary to listen to someone's opinion or stories in which he is not the main character.
- Unjustified self-confidence. Negative egoism is manifested by an individual’s unshakable belief in his own superiority. Wherever a person goes, he is confident that everywhere he is smarter, more beautiful and in all aspects better than others. An egoist, without a justified analysis of real strengths and qualities, assigns himself the place of leader. He is absolutely uninterested in the position of others.
- Rejection of criticism. Even comments confirmed by real facts, expressed in a correct form, cause acute rejection in a person. He will go into conflict without any problems, but will never admit his own mistake or lack of knowledge. But an egoist is always ready to talk about his achievements with pleasure, not forgetting to exaggerate them for greater effect.
How to understand if you have selfishness
Let me make a reservation right away that this formulation is not entirely correct - selfishness is present in each of us to one degree or another, it is a distinctive feature of a healthy psyche. Another thing is that egoism can take an exaggerated form, and then it truly becomes a problem. It can be determined using the following observations:
- how often do you do good deeds;
do you listen to other people;
- Are you able, in principle, to put someone else’s interests above your own?
If you start analyzing your own behavior, you can discover a lot of interesting things. For example, people who are convinced that they are right over time spoil any relationship - they simply categorically cut off their interlocutor mid-sentence and impose their opinion on him.
There can be many, many manifestations of a selfish nature. Ask yourself a few questions. For example:
- Does it ever occur to you to share the last piece of pie with your loved ones?
Are you willing to refrain from criticizing when empathy is required from you?
Yes, at first glance these questions seem too pathetic and sublime, but this always happens when we are talking about more or less important things.
One of the reasons for possible selfishness may be lack of attention. Try to make sure that the amount of attention you are receiving is enough for you personally. Otherwise, you will not be able to finally understand how to get rid of egoism - this problem will come back to you again and again.
Why is egoism dangerous?
The main characteristics of this dangerous phenomenon help not only to determine its presence in a person. They can also tell you a lot about why selfishness is dangerous. Often its manifestations entail serious consequences not only for others, but also for the person himself, who blindly follows personal interests.
| A characteristic feature of selfishness | Consequences of showing signs of selfishness |
| Self-obsession | Communication abilities are impaired and concentration is reduced. A person pays less and less attention to his surroundings. Without stopping in time, he loses healthy connections with family members and friends, and is gradually rejected by his work colleagues. As a social being, a person left without outside support may fall into depression and inaction. Or, on the contrary, he can become aggressive towards others, crossing the boundaries of what is permitted. |
| Unjustified self-confidence | Empty boasting about your inflated achievements entails a loss of authority and respect from the general public. A big threat to normal life is the loss of the skill of soberly calculating one’s strength. As a result of this process, a person can let others down and go down significantly lower on the social ladder. The conflict between expectations and reality in his mind can provoke a nervous breakdown. |
| Rejection of any criticism | The lack of adequate perception of comments leads to a stop in personal and social development. By ignoring advice, a person is deprived of the opportunity to soberly assess his own qualities and find points for growth among them. Violent emotional reactions and conflict lead to the loss of the opportunity to use outside help to improve well-being. |
Definition of the concept
Selfishness is a character trait inherent in individuals who put their own interests above the interests of other people and are guided in their actions only by the motive of obtaining benefits.
Important
An egoist acts exclusively for the benefit of his loved one, and the needs and values of those around him are deeply indifferent to him.
Every representative of modern society has selfish traits. For some they are pronounced, while for others they are almost invisible. In principle, there is nothing wrong with a person wanting to achieve success and recognition from others. But we must not forget that selfishness must be “healthy”.
Egoists are distinguished by strong character and obvious leadership traits. Being the owner of a strong will, an egoist can easily manipulate weaker people and use them to fulfill his needs. Moreover, most often the level of manipulation is so high that the egoist is able to present his point of view as the only correct one.
The habit of living according to the principle “I want to receive without giving anything in return” leads to difficulties in building interpersonal relationships. Moreover, problems in interaction with others will arise in the professional sphere, and in the romantic sphere, and even within the family.
Experts are inclined to believe that egoistic traits are laid in early childhood and develop by leaps and bounds in conditions of connivance and permissiveness. Many parents, who spend most of their time at work, feel guilty before their child and begin to literally buy him off with expensive gifts and turn a blind eye to possible pranks. Accustomed from a young age to getting everything their heart desires, as adults people are simply not ready to live according to other guidelines.
Important
An authoritarian parenting style also contributes to the formation of selfishness. A child, deprived of affection and care, begins to believe that his interests must be protected in all possible ways, regardless of any external circumstances.
Frankly speaking, among selfish people there are practically no truly happy people. Considering that they are constantly fixated on fulfilling their desires, then they simply do not have time to enjoy the joys of life. In cases where it is not possible to achieve the set goals, a person experiences a feeling of deep dissatisfaction, which only leads to anger and irritability.
Egoists are particularly vulnerable, because excessive concentration on themselves and their needs prevents them from objectively assessing the people around them and the whole world as a whole. Such a person simply does not see that others look at him with hostility, and behind his back they speak in a very impartial manner.
Important
If the egoist does not stop in time, then the destructive character trait will eventually develop into its extreme degree - egocentrism.
Fighting selfishness
How to get rid of selfishness once and for all? Achieving victory over this difficult and dangerous personality trait is possible only through conscious elaboration of your thinking. The habit of putting oneself above others, an inadequate reaction to the opinions of others - these and other manifestations of selfishness represent habitual patterns of behavior. Getting rid of them and building new healthy patterns is a process that includes three main stages:
- Identifying the cause.
- Accepting the fact that a problem exists.
- Choosing a method to overcome it.
Let's take a closer look at each of them.
A fight that few can endure
In fact, asking yourself how to get rid of pride and selfishness is already half the battle. A person must admit that he urgently needs to start working on himself. However, the fight against this facet of the personality begins with the expansion of consciousness. This is difficult, because you will have to learn to think first of all about the needs of those around you. Moreover, one must realize that a person's problems are not the most important, and there are more serious things that need attention. In addition, the egoist will have to accept the fact that not all of his actions will bring him benefit. The last one is perhaps the most difficult.
Finding the reason
Selfish behavior is born from thoughts, so the reason for its occurrence should be sought in them. Our thinking is a reflection of past life experiences. It is this that should be analyzed, finding situations or circumstances that served as good soil for cultivating excessive self-love.
Most often, the reason is associated with excess or lack of attention in childhood. Selfishness may also reflect a defensive reaction to negative experiences from the past. For example, failed relationships with the team at the first place of work. It is necessary to identify the existing sign of selfishness and think about what circumstances provoked its appearance. And then, get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Reasons for the manifestation of female egoism
- Low self-esteem;
- Unhealthy relationship with parents;
- Negative example from relatives (manipulator mother/father);
- Fears (especially being left alone, unnecessary, etc.);
- Lack of personal space (interests, hobbies);
- Mistrust of your man, others, etc.;
- From a sick head to a healthy one, that is, a person is “infected” with selfishness.
For a woman to stop manipulating, she must be open to change and realize that she, too, can be wrong. If a person with conscious thinking does not see and does not understand the importance of changes for the better, then it is impossible to influence externally, and gender is not important here, this applies to both men and women. If the situation is completely fixable, the woman is open and ready for change, she needs to work on increasing her self-esteem, oddly enough, selfishness and self-esteem are different concepts. A woman needs personal space to be interesting, to be a source of energy for others, and not a topic for condemnation.
Recognizing the problem
Having analyzed the personal history of the evolution of egoism, it is important to accept its existence. This should be done without judging what is happening. There is no need to panic over the consequences of actions already committed; you should not scold yourself or make excuses. It is important to constantly keep in mind your goal - to get rid of selfishness.
Everything that happened must be perceived in the past time, without abandoning it. To do this, try looking at yourself as a stranger. Remember that to start a successful fight, it is important to see the problem with the previously established reasons for its occurrence and stop denying it all.
Why you need to fight selfishness
Egoism is pride elevated to the rank of absolute and fundamental principle. The chosen behavioral concept becomes the main, self-sufficient idea that influences all decisions and guides all the actions of the individual, completely regulating his life.
Among the main reasons for getting rid of a harmful character trait, it is worth noting the inability to build trusting, sincere, harmonious relationships with a partner, loved ones, colleagues, and friends.
By placing his own “I”, his desires and needs higher than similar categories of other people, a selfish person deprives himself of the happiness of feeling love, experiencing the joy of mutual understanding, mutual trust and gratitude shown in the process of communication by both parties. You need to fight selfishness in yourself, because it slows down the process of self-improvement and comes into conflict with such important aspects of life as spiritual progress, well-being, self-confidence, and moral satisfaction.
Coping methods
There are two main scenarios for overcoming selfishness:
- Independent work with support from the environment.
- Struggle in sessions with a qualified psychologist.
When a person is unable to sincerely admit that there is a problem and conduct meaningful self-analysis, it is better to immediately contact a specialist. If you manage to gather your inner strength on your own and work through the first two stages, you can successfully get rid of egoism on your own. It will be useful to enlist the support of close people with whom you have established trusting relationships. An action plan can be drawn up based on the effective recommendations given below.
How to get rid of selfishness: practical advice
Awareness of the problem is already half the battle in the fight against selfishness. Further actions should be aimed at working with thinking. When thinking about how you can get rid of selfishness, pay attention to developing new habits and scenarios for reacting to what is happening. Let's take a closer look at the steps that will help redirect established patterns of negative behavior in a new direction and thereby defeat them.
Develop empathy
When observing and talking to others, switch from mentally assessing circumstances in your favor to feelings. Listen to your own desires. Resist impulses to subjugate the situation to yourself through emotional pressure on others. Instead, try to cultivate consideration, politeness, and empathy. When you are approached, listen patiently and understand the situation of the person addressed. So over time, you will learn to respect other people's opinions and develop the ability to empathize.
Monitor the influence of the false ego
Formulate a filter for your own desires. Which ones are really important and justified by the situation? And what did greed or pride whisper in the race to satisfy the selfish motives of the false ego? For example, it is quite appropriate to ask a colleague to help with a task because you do not have time to pick up your child from kindergarten when there is no one to do it for you. But if an insidious desire awakens in you to simply shift things in order to earn a bonus at someone else’s expense, this must be nipped in the bud.
Learn to live in the present moment
Selfishness is often fueled by anxiety about the future or the past. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to live here and now. Accept that reality exists only in the present moment, and develop the habit of doing the best that you can in the present. The rest is an illusion, which is often built to please selfish desires. Stop them by choosing to enjoy the present.
Develop a habit of gratitude
One of the traps of selfishness is assigning all the credit to oneself to one’s loved one. We often take the actions of others for granted, putting only our own efforts on a pedestal. Concentrate on what comes to you from the outside and where exactly it comes from. For example, are you used to having a clean and tidy home? Fix the understanding that all this does not come out of thin air. Thank family members for putting things in order.
Can't adequately evaluate the efforts of others? Then give yourself the opportunity to feel everything inside and out. Do some spring cleaning or any other chore and thank yourself for your efforts. Now next time it will be easier for you to adequately evaluate the work of others.
Stop making excuses
In order to elevate himself above others, a person often seeks justifications and explanations for his own “exploits.” They also come to his aid in case of a violent reaction to criticism. Let go of your emotional needs to always be better. Recognize that you are an ordinary person. Stop building a defense of your superiority out of excuses, leave only dry facts and always convey them calmly.
Communicate more with animals
A little friend will teach you to understand how the environment sometimes needs our support. By communicating with animals and selflessly caring for them, we can feel the joy of actions that are not aimed at achieving selfish goals. Gradually, a feeling of compassion and an inner need to simply give away your warmth will develop. They will be an excellent counterbalance to the principle of acting only for one’s own pleasure, characteristic of egoism.
Realize the temporary nature of all material things
Accept the fact that everything material in this life is not eternal and reconsider your life goals. Cars break down, things wear out. Are you really ready to devote all your time and energy to satisfying selfish desires? Based on this, honestly report your actions.
How to get rid of selfishness in relationships with people?
Remember that creating healthy relationships with others is only possible by building adequate self-esteem. It is important to develop an understanding of your own importance without exaggeration. To do this, it is necessary to reconsider the usual scenario of superiority over others. Communicate with others as equals, cultivating respect for their rights and opinions.
Why is it bad to be selfish?
Among such people it is impossible to meet those who are truly happy.
Constant fixation on fulfilling your own desires does not allow you to relax and enjoy the ordinary joys of life.
If the set goals are not achieved, a person experiences a feeling of dissatisfaction, anger and irritation. In other words, he determines for himself the boundaries within which he constantly exists.
Belief in the exclusivity of one’s own person leads to constant conflicts with others , including the closest people. The atmosphere of hostility that always surrounds an egoist makes him suspicious and nervous.
He is incredibly vulnerable , because excessive concentration on himself does not allow him to objectively assess the situation around him and the attitude of the people around him. As a result, a person simply does not notice the hostility, irony and mockery disguised by false goodwill.
If you do not stop in time, then a harmful character trait can develop into its extreme degree - egocentrism.
In this case, it seems to the person that he is the “navel of the Earth” . The constant desire to talk only about oneself makes a person a universal laughing stock.
Its significance, as a rule, is absolutely illusory and exists only in his imagination.
only irritates and makes people .
It is impossible to have a productive conversation with an egoist, since he will reduce any conversation to a topic that specifically interests him.
Getting rid of selfishness in close relationships
The question of how to get rid of selfishness in relationships with loved ones deserves special attention. Often, egoists have an unspoken rule that applies to their family members, their relatives and friends, that they a priori owe them something. Therefore, when communicating with them, negligence, raising the voice and demanding to meet illusory expectations are allowed.
Realize that close relationships primarily place more responsibilities on yourself. They should bring pleasure to both parties, and not be used to serve one person. Otherwise, you will turn into a parasite and ruin your relationships with dear people yourself.
Here it is also important to consciously give yourself and your partners the same rights. At the same time, paying a lot of attention to personal behavior. You should start by fixing and eliminating moments in which you allow yourself to demand more from a person, explaining this by your close relationship with him.
conclusions
Of course, everything described above requires a lot of work and constant self-control. But in fact, pacifying your ego is not so difficult - you just need to look at the world more broadly. Any person, even the closest one, can be interesting if you constantly get to know him. The ability to put the interests of others first is also not that difficult to acquire. The main thing is to have an irresistible desire to learn it. Remember how others react when they see that they are being shared and thought about. If you set aside just one day and completely devote it to your loved one, you can see how he blossoms, and your soul becomes brighter and more joyful.
Every family member should think about how to get rid of selfishness. The phrases “I didn’t say it was easy with me”, “you owe me”, “I know better, don’t interfere”, “I can cope without your help” and everything like that. Any signs of selfishness will only spoil relationships between close people and affect other family members. Remember that self-love should be in every person, but in equal proportion to modesty, self-sacrifice and love. Otherwise, happiness will not be a guest in the home of proud people.
