Usually, after a conflict situation or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on the relationship, and it is in our power to make sure that when remembering communication with us, our loved ones experience predominantly positive emotions.
It is very important to feel when a person is on the edge or when you yourself can barely restrain yourself, so as not to throw out the accumulated negativity on your interlocutor. If you nip a scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, your opponent will probably be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.
You will begin to trust each other more
Conflicts that cannot be resolved quickly terrify many couples so much that they prefer to avoid them at all costs.
People consider such quarrels to be fatal to relationships. And completely in vain. If you manage to talk without getting personal, but without suppressing your emotions, but on the contrary, making them accessible to your partner, such a quarrel will only strengthen your relationship. You will understand this when the storm subsides.
Having survived one quarrel, you will be less afraid of the next ones. You will begin to trust your partner and yourself more, knowing that you can fully cope with possible disagreements. As a result, you won't put off difficult conversations with your significant other until the last minute. You will understand that it is better not to accumulate negative emotions, but to find out what is wrong as early as possible.
Common causes of quarrels
1. We can't hear each other
Each interlocutor tries to convey his own position, without even allowing the thought that it might be wrong. Most often, we are so convinced that we are right that we do not try to listen to our opponent’s arguments - we are simply not interested and do not care what he says, and the person, of course, immediately feels this. He tries even harder to get his point across and things start to heat up. In this case, the one who is less flexible in conversation, considering himself right in almost everything, is to blame.
2. We don’t want to give in in a dispute and accept someone else’s truth.
If you want your relationships with loved ones to develop harmoniously, it is important to learn to make compromises. Some people are simply not capable of taking such a step, considering it a kind of humiliation or personal defeat. In fact, a person who knows how to make concessions, understanding that the issue is not so fundamental and is not worth inciting hostility, is distinguished by great wisdom.
Of course, this does not mean at all that you need to completely forget about your opinion and agree with your opponents in everything, but if the issue is really at the level of everyday life and not overly important, then it would be quite reasonable not to spoil your nerves again. Just calmly say: “You know my opinion, but let it be your way.”
3. Resentment, betrayal, jealousy, betrayal
- Treason. Of course, such events, most often, invariably lead to conflict situations. As a rule, the one who cheated defends himself from the attacks of his other half, and at the same time it may seem that the cheater does not feel any guilt at all. This is partly true! It just so happens that betrayal rarely happens out of nowhere. Usually it is preceded by quarrels between spouses and dissatisfaction with each other. If the couple had initially identified the cause of their disagreements and tried to eliminate it, then the matter probably would not have come to an affair. Cheating is a test for any family, and often the blame for this situation lies equally with the spouses.
- Betrayal. If this situation is not related to love betrayal, then, of course, it is difficult for the traitor to find an excuse. Most often, the relationship is terminated after this, even if attempts were initially made to forget such an offense. Sometimes even close relatives do not make exceptions, considering betrayal to be a sufficient reason to break off contact forever.
- Jealousy. This problem is not so difficult to eliminate if you find its origins. Perhaps jealousy appeared after one of the couple cheated on the other. In such a situation, forecasts are most often not very optimistic. Even if the traitor has made a firm decision to remain faithful to his half, endless nagging, suspicions and hysterics can again push him to a similar step. By cheating, he was trying to solve some problem in the relationship, and, most likely, jealousy and control will also become a problem for him. We also must not forget that the party who experienced the betrayal will eventually understand that he cannot forgive this act, which will also result in a break in the relationship.
- Grievances. If the grievances are minor and sometimes seem to be completely groundless, it is worth looking for a major problem that gave rise to these troubles. Most likely, having failed to agree on some important issue and “hushed up” it, the parties (or one side) remained dissatisfied with each other, and subconsciously this dissatisfaction spread to other areas.
You'll feel much better after a fight
If you can express your emotions and let off steam, you will get rid of tension, anxiety and fear. This will have a positive effect on both your mental health and physical health.
Of course, this doesn't mean you need to dump all your toxic thoughts on your partner. Although sometimes it’s better to express everything that’s boiling over than to keep it inside and wait for everything to work itself out.
Greg Godek, author of Love: The Course They Forgot to Teach You in School, believes that the golden rule of ethics rarely works in real-life arguments. Talking too cautiously will lead nowhere. Therefore, sometimes it is better to let out all the emotions in order to finally figure out what’s going on.
The only rule that should be followed in quarrels is not to hit your partner or throw heavy objects at him. As for the rest, go ahead: make noise, slam doors, swear with the last words. Do anything if you feel it will help.
Greg Godek
Your partner knows about your thoughts and feelings
No matter how close you are, your partner cannot read your mind. He probably just doesn’t realize how much some topic offends you.
At the same time, the question arises: how to convey your thoughts to your partner so that he perceives them correctly and is not offended? Especially if these are some claims against him. How not to depress him with your dissatisfaction?
Try not to blame, but to talk about your feelings, about how your partner’s behavior affects you. Psychologists call these I-statements. For example, you could say, “I'm fed up with your work.” An I-statement conveying the same idea would sound like this: “It really upsets me that you often come home late. I would like to spend more time together."
They say that arguing brings out our worst traits. But they can also bring out our best qualities if we get through the hard part.
Psychology of relationships
Why do both friends and girlfriends sometimes fight?
Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than of their other halves. However, even long-time comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often their cause can be the opposite sex. And yet, this reason more often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and affairs, of course, unless we are talking about the love of their life.
Often, the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and irritate him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being taken advantage of, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.
Frequent quarrels with parents
Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overly protective of them and are trying to somehow influence their decisions. There may be a flip side - an adult son or daughter decides that their parents provide them with too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is not difficult to understand the parents.
Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of their son or daughter's life simply cannot or do not want to move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they do not imagine that this can somehow be changed, and in general they do not see the point in this, because they “have much more life experience”! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not start a riot - such behavior is typical of unintelligent children, and it means that you, without meaning to, have accepted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not tell them details that they do not need to know. Sometimes accept their advice as adults accept the advice of other adults. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you will solve this problem yourself.
In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could have taken more part in your life, most likely you are wrong. Don’t be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire to live for their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having grown up, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, “give them the best pieces.” Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult, independent children.
Why do husband and wife fight?
Spouses may have many reasons for sorting things out. It doesn't have to be some serious reason, like cheating. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal for seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which certainly does not look good on them. When conflicts occur at the instigation of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are later called despots and tyrants.
Spouses often quarrel due to dissatisfaction in their sex life. Husband and wife turn out to have different temperaments or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so marital duty is fulfilled less and less often. If this problem has appeared in your family, despite the fact that it did not exist before, then you need to identify its true causes. A woman may simply not have an orgasm with a man because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for this behavior. The wife needs to have a serious conversation with her chosen one and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then, most likely, such a marriage is doomed.
A man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with his wife’s lack of initiative, considering his intimate life with her insipid and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimate intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses when one of them is no longer satisfied with the appearance of their partner.
Many couples would live in perfect harmony if it were not for hated everyday issues. Reluctance to make concessions to each other and a clear division of responsibilities into women's and men's often lead to big problems in the family. Women who work equally with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores, feel especially disadvantaged. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because... If you work, then the distribution of household responsibilities should be equal - whoever managed to do it, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.
Why do children fight?
Mostly children's quarrels are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of your children. Many parents make a big mistake by dividing their children into “oldest” and “younger”, while the demand from the first is, as a rule, always higher. The worst thing is that, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adulthood, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes rather cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in raising them, and only then see their main mistakes.
Try not to get involved in harmless children's fights by taking sides - let the children learn to resolve their conflicts themselves and make peace. Try not to make your child jealous of his brother, sister or other children. He must understand that he is no worse than others. If he wants a toy “like Petya’s” that you don’t have money for, offer him an interesting alternative.
You'll get closer
During arguments, you find out what is important to your partner, what he likes, what he wants, how he sets boundaries, how flexible he is, what hurts him and what he needs to feel better.
If you quarreled because your significant other is throwing socks around the apartment, the matter may be completely different. Perhaps the reason lies in respect and personal space, and not in neatness.
Greg Godek
There is one more fact that cannot be ignored. Sex after a disagreement is worth almost any fight. And it will also make you closer to each other. In all senses.
How to stop arguing2
Having figured out why loving people quarrel, it’s worth figuring out how to avoid these quarrels. First of all, all problems need to be discussed in their infancy, when you can only get by with a scarlet argument. Very often, a long period of ideal relationships is interrupted due to one scandal, since in it “tons of dirt” accumulated over a long time are poured out on each other. Secondly, you need to be able to listen to your loved one. From every quarrel you need to be able to draw the right conclusions, based on which you can avoid future conflicts.
You will become a better person
You learn to focus on what matters most. The fact that your significant other is very important to you and you want your loved one to be happy. This is how you become more patient, understanding and caring, and learn to truly love.
When you're in the middle of a fight, you're clearly not having fun. You feel disgusting. In a way, quarrels are like sports training. Isn't it always nice to sweat at the gym? No. But this is how you improve your weak points.
Greg Godek
To quarrel is to forge a sword of steel. Only after hardening, after repeated immersion in hot oil and cold water, will a work of art be obtained that can survive any test. It's the same with your union.
In Vasmer Max's dictionary
I quarrel, Wed. Serbohorv. osoran, osoregiv “sharp, rude; hot-tempered, irritable, arrogant”, Slovenian. osȯ́rǝn, born. p. -rnа “unfriendly, harsh, rude.” Probably from *sasor, akin to Lat. sermō, b. n. -ōnis “conversation, conversation; dispute; rumor”, along with *sver- (see swara), Greek. ἑρμηνεύς “interpreter”, ἑρμηνεύω “explain”, osc. sverruneí dat. units "to the speaker", Goth. swaran "to swear", OE svara “to answer”, English. andsvaru "answer", English. answer - the same; see Solmsen, Unters. gr. Lautl. 206 et seq.; Trautman, BSW 297; Shkarich, ZfslPh 13, 347; Ilyinsky, IORYAS 16, 4, 14; Bouazac 282 et seq. II quarrelII “the worker who untangles the towline”, archang. (Under.), also “cleaning a string, rope” = quarreling (Dal). Derived from rubbish, quarrel, “to cleanse from rubbish.”
You will realize that you don't have to be perfect.
Fighting shows that you are only human. Sometimes you're in a bad mood, sometimes you're stressed, and sometimes you're just tired. Accordingly, your relationship cannot be ideal.
All your inner cockroaches, which you are aware of or not aware of, will make themselves felt in close relationships. It's unavoidable.
During a quarrel, our inner children come into interaction. They are vulnerable and irrational. It's like you're two or three years old again. Therefore, when they hurt you, remember that it is a child doing it. To do this, you can keep a childhood photo of your loved one on hand.
Hedy Shleifer, Licensed Psychologist, Director of the Center for Relationship Therapy
Use conflict as an opportunity to grow. View arguments not as a hindrance, but as a help in building healthy relationships.
