“Oh, that’s it, I’m not talking to you” is a typical female reaction to an offensive word or deed of a partner.
Starve him out, let him suffer, realize he was wrong and crawl on his knees to make peace.
What if he doesn’t come? If one fine day he gets tired of playing the silent game, and a crack appears in the foundation of your relationship. After all, saying “Sorry, I was wrong” can be incredibly difficult.
Why are claims and grievances so destructive? How to protect relationships from them, restore harmony and trust?
Who is this article for?
For women who know the feeling of being offended, underestimated, misunderstood. If any quarrel turns into an exchange of claims and reproaches, you no longer understand each other, love and trust are gradually leaving the relationship - read this article urgently.
From this material you will learn:
- Where do grievances and complaints come from?
- The main mistakes of women.
- How do grudges affect relationships?
- Who should change: the offender or the offended?
- How to get rid of grievances?
- What should I do if I can’t stop being offended?
Where do grievances and complaints come from?
This mechanism is provided by nature; it protects our personal boundaries.
Think of a child reaching for a hot iron or lighter. He does not understand the warnings “This is dangerous”, “You will be hurt”, because he does not have clear associations with this feeling.
But if the baby gets burned, he won’t go near hot objects anymore. It’s exactly the same with resentment. If we don’t like some words or actions of a person, give us a feeling of discomfort, or don’t agree with our value system, we get offended and let go of the needles.
And it is this reaction that makes the partner understand: I was wrong here, there is no need to do this.
There are two important nuances associated with resentment:
- We most often get offended by people who are close and familiar to us. We are not offended by the police who stopped us to check our documents. There is anger, irritation, but not resentment. We are not offended by the weather, which just pleased us with the warmth of the sun - and suddenly it began to rain. But if a beloved man, mother or best friend said or did something wrong, this destructive feeling appears in us.
- Resentment is born if our expectations are not met. My wife wanted a trip to Turkey for her birthday, and her husband gave her a set of frying pans. I wanted him to be the head of the family, but he turned out to be a couch potato, incapable of decisive action. If our expectations and reality do not coincide, resentment appears.
Resentment itself is only an intuitive defense of the body. The future of your relationship depends on what tactics you choose to resolve problematic situations.
3 main mistakes
1. Silence . A woman suffers in silence, swallows insults and tries not to show how hard and painful it is for her.
Most often, this behavior is based on fears “What if he leaves” and false beliefs “Well, what’s wrong? Everyone lives like this.”
Now imagine: it’s as if the lady has plugged the emotional pipe with a stopper. And the feelings keep coming, new grievances are added to the old ones, all you need is a little push, a trigger, and the pipe breaks.
In response to a harmless phrase, a huge flow of emotions that have been accumulating for months and years is poured onto the partner. And he stands at a loss and thinks, “Where did this come from?”
2. Claims . Grievances that transformed into global discontent. In fact, this is just another way to shift responsibility for relationships onto someone else’s shoulders.
- I’m carrying the whole house on myself, and you’re not helping me at all!
- When will you start earning normal money?
- I can’t trust you with anything, I forgot to buy bread again!
- Yes, your son is growing like a cudgel. What are you thinking about?
The main difference between grievances and complaints is the form in which you try to convey your point of view to your interlocutor. The claims clearly have offensive overtones.
Now look what happens: the woman thinks that this is how she motivates the man. He’ll tell him: “You’re a rag.” He’s not even able to support his family,” and he’ll immediately start moving, proving her wrong.
This tactic does not work with a strong man. Accusations force him to defend himself, a trifling quarrel develops into a scandal, and the woman still won’t get what she wants.
3. Manipulation . Resentment is very easy to manipulate. Only a man quickly gets tired of playing the game “Guess what I’m offended by.”
At first, the manipulation works as it should: his protective instinct awakens, he wants to console you, reassure you, and make amends. But gradually rejection appears: tears no longer cause panic, but a feeling of anger.
There is also a high risk of falling into the victim state. After all, claims and grievances simplify everything: I’m good – they’re bad.
Let's look at examples:
1. “My boss is a real tyrant, that’s why I quit my job,” Masha’s voice sounds genuine resentment towards her boss. Naturally, her husband, parents and friends feel sorry for her, she was so unlucky with her job.
Only for some reason Masha kept silent about the fact that they scolded her for being regularly late, and fined her because she often lost important documents.
And in the end, the boss’s patience ran out and he fired Masha. She harbors a grudge and is now making herself out to be the victim. This position is convenient and beneficial for her.
2. Karina often complains about her husband: “He lies on the couch all day long, all the household chores are on me.” But she is in no hurry to change anything in her life; she has already become familiar with her position as a victim.
But the initial problem was that she didn’t even invite him to discuss the current situation, to share responsibilities.
She simply accumulates grievances, pulls this strap and communicates with the world through complaints.
Denial of self-sufficiency
What phrases signal this?
- "No one will love you like I do."
- "You are all for me".
- "I don't know what I would have to do without you."
Consequences : addiction, loss of self, irritation of the partner.
What to do
Remind yourself that your partner simply completes you.
Draw the line
It’s one thing to enjoy your partner’s company and turn to him for support, but it’s another thing to completely depend on him in your moods and decisions. Your partner can increase your happiness, but taking care of them shouldn't fall entirely on their shoulders. Your happiness is in your hands.
Change the language of communication
- “Thank you for making my life more complete.”
- “I learn a lot with you and from you.”
- “You and I are a great team!”
Result : a feeling of personal integrity, strengthening connections.
How do grudges affect relationships?
Resentment has a cumulative effect. At first, if a man offended you, she cried and forgot. But gradually such situations destroy the emotional connection between spouses.
- Women who feel offended become extremely hot-tempered. A man increasingly hears reproaches and complaints from such a lady and does not understand the reason. In his picture of the world: a gentle and caring girl suddenly turned into some kind of monster. In fact, if a woman is often offended, she begins to perceive the man as an irritant. She no longer sees in him the positive qualities for which she once loved him. In her eyes, this is no longer a loving and kind husband, but a constant source of pain.
- Trust leaves the relationship. The foundation is gradually deteriorating and eventually the house will collapse. A person who tests your patience, insults, offends, no longer has faith. You constantly expect him to stab you in the back.
- On this basis, betrayal may occur. Resentments and claims alienate you from each other, and an emptiness appears in your soul that you want to fill. And what a person doesn’t get in a relationship, he will look for on the side. Warmth, care, intimacy, love, acceptance.
- The couple ceases to understand each other. Sometimes the resentment is so strong that you want to take revenge, to cause the same pain. And marriage turns into a ring in which spouses exchange blows.
- Frustration sets in. A woman increasingly thinks, “Why did I even marry him? Did I know he was like this? She begins to disdain her husband - and he feels it.
Reminder of old wounds
What phrases signal this?
- “You always do this.”
- “Well, here you are again...”
- “You’re still not going to apologize for...”
Consequences : re-experiencing pain due to past grievances and disappointments, avoidance, suppression of one’s feelings and desires.
What to do
Try to be consciously in the present.
Notice when you get caught up in the past
An overly sharp reaction to some action of a partner is most often a projection of an old trauma. It may be from childhood, from a previous relationship or an earlier stage of the current one. As soon as you notice that you are returning to old times, try to look at the situation and your partner with a new look, with openness and without prejudice.
Change the language of communication
- "I am here with you".
- "I want to understand".
- “What do you want now?”
- “What can I say or do to make you feel better?”
Result : a new understanding of yourself, healing from old traumas, enjoying the moment.
Who should change: the offender or the offended?
Let's consider the situation: a couple quarreled. Big, with a scandal. Everyone feels like a victim. The woman thinks: “He’s a man, let him apologize first. After all, I was right.”
The man thinks: “How much is possible? I always give in to her, let her realize her mistakes.” Nobody wants to make contact; a local cold war is unfolding in the house.
What happens? Everyone thinks he is right. As a result, the man cannot stand the “silence”, packs his things and goes to spend the night with friends, and the woman is left in tears to experience a new family tragedy.
Only the two of you can build a normal relationship. Even if you consider yourself a superwoman, it is impossible to hold a collapsing marriage on your shoulders alone. Therefore, the most important thing is to find a compromise, a middle ground.
- If you give in all the time, this is the position of a victim . You don't tell him, “Stop. I feel hurt, offended, unpleasant. Please change your attitude towards me.” You simply endure silently and the accumulated negative energy periodically results in major quarrels.
- If a man often makes concessions, this is pure manipulation . Let's assume he told something harsh but true. And what does he see? Shaking lips, eyes full of tears, hands folded in a prayer gesture. The man feels guilty and gradually begins to hate you and himself for it.
- Nobody wants to be the first to make peace . Stalemate situation. Both of you are in the waiting mode “what if it resolves itself.” Relationships are a constant series of compromises, and you just bump heads and check whose is stronger.
The “give-receive” balance is disrupted and a claim arises as an overcorrection. With her reproaches and claims, the woman seems to be billing the man: “I gave you everything I could. But you don’t appreciate it.”
She acutely senses injustice: she spent all her energy and received nothing in return.
Constantly ignoring one’s needs, desires, needs gives rise to claims, irritation, and hatred (including towards oneself for the inability to say “no”).
That is why both partners must take part in reviving the relationship. Otherwise, it will again be a one-goal game.
Repetitive routine
What phrases signal this?
- “We never do anything!”
- "Why can't you ever go out with me..."
- “You always just lie on the couch.”
- “Maybe we can go to a new place for once?”
Consequences : frustration, boredom, indifference, decreased desire.
What to do
Change your usual routine.
Try new things together
Constantly being in a cycle of tasks and responsibilities, it is easy to get stuck in your own little world and get bored. Remind yourself that there is a huge world out there and that there is much you haven't seen or experienced yet. Choose goals that interest both of you and go in search of new experiences.
Have dates
Couples who have been together for a long time usually stop devoting time to this. But it is communication, shared experiences and fun that maintain relationships. So try to arrange romantic meetings for yourself more often, like at the beginning of dating.
Change the language of communication
- “I want to spend time with you.”
- "I have a surprise for you".
- “Let's go somewhere together.”
- “Let’s go to that party and meet new people.”
- “Let's go somewhere we've never been before.”
- “Maybe we can try our hand at...?”
Result : new discoveries, curiosity, anticipation, laughter, strengthened connections.
How to get rid of grievances?
Dialogue
Sit down and talk: do not remain silent, do not wait until emotions begin to tear you apart from the inside, but tell the man what does not suit you.
It often happens that your partner does not even realize that he is offending you. He is not a psychic and not such a sensitive person. So tell him how you feel.
Incorrect : “I’m tired of constant humiliation. You’re doing everything wrong.”
Correct : “Please don't criticize me. You are hurting me with your sarcastic remarks.”
Your words should not sound like a claim. You simply express your point of view and listen to his opinion.
Work through your feelings.
Analyze what exactly bothers you. There is a simple practice: take paper, pen and write down the grievances that you associate with this person. Now analyze your list. Divide it into three categories:
- Grievances are situational . In which a person is really to blame. For example, “called me stupid,” “didn’t pick up the child from kindergarten,” or “forgot about our wedding anniversary.”
- Trauma from childhood or previous relationships . Imagine: Katya was dating a guy. The relationship developed, things were heading towards marriage. Only unexpectedly did Katya find out that her beloved had a long-standing affair with a colleague. So there was a logical explanation for his extracurricular work and business trips. The girl enters into a new relationship, but the trauma remains. And when her current man doesn’t warn about delays at the office and doesn’t answer the phone for a long time, Katya gets offended. Because she has a negative experience that she is afraid to repeat.
- Your unjustified hopes . Often grievances arise due to wounded pride or illusions that are far from reality. Ira always wanted a man to solve all problems with one call, and she married a man with a gentle character. He is not bad, just in her opinion he is not decisive, courageous, or persistent enough. Ira tries in every possible way to fashion an ideal man for herself out of her partner, but nothing works out for her. She wants him to go to work for a large IT company, but he is happy in his old, less paid position. They regularly have conflicts based on divergent interests, and this really offends Ira, because she wants what’s best.
Resentments from the first and second categories need to be worked out and discussed with your partner. Talk about your fears, suspicions, pains, dissatisfaction - only then will the relationship be truly trusting.
The third category is special. It contains your personal complaints regarding this man. He is not what you want him to be. And you have two options:
- Accept him.
- Try to change at your own discretion and destroy the marriage with your own hands.
Understand one truth: your claims, reproaches and lectures will not change a man. He is already a formed personality.
You can motivate him, support him, guide him, but you won’t force him to become a different person. And if you are not ready to come to terms with his shortcomings, your relationship is doomed to failure.
Find forgiveness
“I will never forgive him!” – this is the most incorrect and destructive attitude. Only soap opera heroes can live in a state of eternal resentment and hatred.
Destructive feelings destroy relationships and interfere with normal life. It is easiest to forgive a person who has realized his guilt.
Convince yourself that your personal boundaries have been restored, the man has realized his mistake and let go of the situation. If he insists that he is right, it is worth analyzing what happened.
Sometimes you need the help of a third party - a psychologist, a guide who will help you understand and rethink what happened, and get rid of negative emotions.
Learn not to be offended, but to solve the problem
You quarreled with your husband, you want to close yourself off, keep your distance, make him suffer. Just ask yourself the question: “How can you solve this problem differently”?
Finding compromises and normal dialogue is where you need to direct your energy. Don’t accumulate grievances, don’t destroy yourself from the inside, but correct the situation.
Allow yourself to release negative emotions. Some people find it helpful to talk with a friend, meditate, while others find it helpful to go for an intense run or exercise at the gym.
Your views on life
Accept the fact that every person sees this world differently. A man does not always live up to your expectations and does not always live up to your expectations.
But you also make mistakes! And don’t always ask for forgiveness for them. Pride, shame, fear do not allow.
Remember who you are
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when you are being falsely accused is who you are. Don’t take your partner’s opinion of you as reality, don’t define yourself through it
Maintaining your self-perception as worthy and valuable is difficult when your partner perceives you completely differently.
If you can't solve the problem on your own, it may be time to seek family therapy to help you hear each other and understand the underlying issues. If your partner does not want to do this, and your assurances do not convince him of anything, personal psychotherapy may help you to figure out which solution would be best for you.
What reproaches are usually used?
The range of reproaches that we use or against us is endless. Starting from the harmless “I’m late again” to the long-playing “My whole life is going downhill.” Naturally, “It’s all because of you.”
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