How to recognize an adult?
Adulthood is not a number on a passport. The presence or absence of this document also does not mean anything. We are talking about psychology, not discussing legal responsibility.
Psychologists call adults those people who:
• are responsible for their own lives;
Mature people make their own decisions and implement them. If necessary, they can defend and justify their choice.
This applies to all aspects: from choosing the color of socks to choosing a university, work, partner, friends.
Adults listen to other people's opinions, but they are not decisive.
• are able to provide for themselves financially;
You don't have to work 24/7. However, if necessary, an adult will not be destroyed either physically or mentally from this. He will find a job himself and will be able to feed himself and his family.
• can find a job;
They are not waiting for a call, cronyism or a successful vacancy for a director without work experience. The place of an adult is at the helm of his own life. He either quickly organizes the necessary calls and connections, or copes just as effectively on his own.
Adults understand that work does not define them. Therefore, in a difficult situation, they may agree to an unsuitable position. They are confident in their abilities and understand that retraining from a professor to a salesperson is a temporary solution.
• easily organize leisure time;
One of the characteristics of adult life: you constantly want to sleep. But after getting enough sleep, formed individuals are able to entertain themselves. They don't need to go to clubs to cheer themselves up. They know how to interact with themselves in different ways.
Today - dancing until you lose consciousness, tomorrow - yoga and massage, the day after tomorrow - a pottery master class. Being able to take care of yourself and hear your needs is about adulthood.
• plan their life;
Living in chaos or according to a strict schedule is everyone’s choice. Although long-term planning is a clear sign of a serious personality.
Adults know what they want from life. Therefore, novels, children, moves and trips around the world happen to them at their own request. At the same time, changes often seem sudden to others.
• understand the consequences of their actions;
They know how to predict scenarios and work through them. “If I don’t pass the exams, I won’t go to university. What to do then: look for a job or take online courses? Should I apply in a year?”
• take responsibility for loved ones.
Not giving up when faced with difficulties is also a superpower of an adult. Such homo sapiens do not abandon their children, close relatives, or friends.
They manage to balance between impressive help (time, money, participation) and maintaining their own boundaries. Giving your last sneakers to charity is not a force, it is a request to a psychotherapist.
How to determine your psychological maturity, and what to do to grow up?
Psychological maturity is the highest development of a person’s mental, physical and mental abilities. This is the time of greatest productivity in all areas of life (Wikipedia).
Psychological maturity is not achieved in one day. This is a process that is associated with an internal state.
Exercise 1
Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. In the first column, describe the image of a mature, adult woman . What does she look like, what does she do, how does she behave, what is her relationship with the people around her, with her partner and with herself?
Now let's think about what an adult woman looks like according to her passport, but is psychologically immature? Describe the image of such a woman in the second column.
In modern society, we are accustomed to leaning on our big heads and measuring everything in terms of “knowing”.
It seems to us that now I will learn something else, read something, and finally I will become “correct,” mature, spiritually developed.
But this is an illusion, an infantile position. Maturity is an internal process closely related to our emotional sphere.
An adult, psychologically mature person lives happily “here and now”, knows how to love, trust, relax and enjoy life, knows how to adapt to the constantly changing flow of life.
If we talk about immaturity, then one of its main signs is childhood and teenage manifestations and qualities (resentment, envy, anger, intolerance, maximalism, condemnation of others, jealousy, categoricalness). In this regard, an immature person has difficulties in relationships with other people. There are difficulties in building a family, great dependence on parents and relatives, difficult relationships with them.
Relationships with parents are a litmus test of our maturity. The less psychologically mature a person is, the more tense his relationship with his parents.
The next thing that “gives away” an immature person is the absence of pronounced femininity or masculinity; a violation of the natural value system, in which “I” does not come first in his internal space . For example, a woman cares and devotes time to everyone except herself.
A woman’s psychological immaturity most often leads to the following consequences:
Firstly, the less mature a woman is, the more likely she is to have difficulty conceiving, becoming pregnant, giving birth and raising children. Little girls don't give birth! The appearance of a child in an immature woman causes an internal conflict, since she herself, her inner child, needs care and attention. Therefore, your child, even if unborn, is often perceived as a rival, someone who takes away something important and valuable to her (time, love, material resources).
Secondly, due to psychological immaturity, a woman develops a very complex relationship with herself. She criticizes herself a lot, feels that she is not good enough, is guided by outside opinions, has difficulty accepting her femininity, does not value herself, does not understand her desires, feelings and emotions.
Thirdly, since an immature woman often has a difficult relationship with her parents, she begins to look for a substitute for her mother in a man, rather than a partner. She conveys the message “take care of me . In this regard, she has a lot of expectations and claims against the man, and conflicts and quarrels arise in the relationship.
Fourthly, since an immature woman does not understand herself, does not know what she wants, she cannot find her purpose, that activity, the potential of which is inherent in her by nature.
Fifthly, psychological immaturity leads to a lack of care for oneself, one’s body , and as a result, to bad habits, excess weight and health problems.
Task 2
Right now you can determine the degree of your maturity.
In our School, to determine the maturity of a woman, we rely on the 10 criteria presented below. Analyze and rate them on a 10-point scale, where 10 means strongly expressed, 0 means this quality is poorly developed in me.
1 - I have internal support, resistance to external events and people;
2 - I have a high level of awareness, emotional intelligence (I can understand, experience feelings and find them in the body)
3 - I know how to say “no” to all events, people who do not help my development, and I know how to say “yes” to what develops me, even if this means leaving my comfort zone;
4 - I have no fear of not being liked by other people, of being outside the system;
5 - I am able to accept events as the best at the moment, to see the opportunity behind every “inconvenient” event;
6 - I know how to voice my position, including to authorities (parents, teachers, important people);
7 - I know how to build close, deep relationships;
8 - I know how to love;
9 - I accept responsibility for my life and do not shift it to others;
10 - I realize my potential, my capabilities and desires.
If after the analysis you see that today, although you are an adult according to your passport, you have not yet matured psychologically, do not despair. Psychological maturation is a process that can be experienced at almost any age. Today there are many ways that will help you achieve your maturity, your productivity in all areas of life, including motherhood.
But I want to immediately warn you against the mistakes that women often make on their path to maturity.
1. Trying to silence your inner girl. Only getting to know her and meeting her needs will help you establish contact with your feminine energy, spontaneity, emotionality, playfulness and will relieve the charge of childhood pain that is stored in you.
2. Giving up your emotionality. As soon as we begin to suppress our emotions, we begin to suppress our energy! The emotional sphere determines almost everything: our motivation, relationships, health, etc.
3. Hyper-responsibility and perfectionism. They are based on anxiety and focus on the opinions of others, not feeling oneself. Trying to control everything, you lose spontaneity, ease and satisfaction, and high expectations, not only for yourself, but also for others, destroy relationships.
4. Following the word “I need”, not “I want” . A conflict arises within a woman between “need” and “want,” and a growing feeling of injustice and dissatisfaction. In an adult, mature state, we can transfer the vector from “need” to “want”. Ask yourself questions - “Do I need this?”, “What do I want?”
5. Life waiting for suitable conditions. Life happens “here and now”. Perfection is a myth; it will never exist. Expecting the best, striving for the ideal, you can miss opportunities and end up with nothing at the end of your life.
At our School there is a marathon of growing up and psychological maturation “From a girl to a mother”. It contains all the necessary information, tasks and practices that will help you reach a mature state without mistakes and unnecessary expenditure of time and effort.
Allow yourself to be psychologically born, to become an adult, mature woman, successful and productive in all areas of life!
Author Alena Strakhova, psychologist, fairytale therapist, curator of all courses at the Satisfied Eva School
Does everyone grow up the same way?
There are some milestones that almost everyone passes. But everyone approaches them at a different age. You can have a high IQ, but remain a child until you are 70 years old. Or at 12 you can be the most responsible and mature person in the family.
No one wakes up as an adult the first morning after their 18th birthday. Growing up is a long process that sometimes slows down and sometimes speeds up. They say that modern people finally mature by the age of 26-28.
And in schools they read morals to the effect that: “We never thought of such a thing in your time!” Growing up isn't just about menstruation, wet dreams, and first sex. The brain also participates in the process of personality formation!
Factors influencing growing up:
— satisfaction of basic needs;
Availability of food, water and security is the source of any development. When a child has to survive, it is useless to demand high moral qualities from him. Feed him first, and then we'll see.
- family relationships;
In a loving, accepting, helping unit of society, children grow up smoothly. Scandals happen everywhere, but here there are longer breaks between conflicts.
- health status;
Health is the basis of everything, whether for children or adults. Has it shaken? All! I want to whine, feel sorry for myself and throw myself in my arms. An unhealthy person is rarely capable of moral deeds. And he will pay for this by deteriorating his already not ideal condition.
- stress.
An unusual situation can give a strong breakthrough in development. And back or forward - that’s how the card falls. A person can overcome and grow as a person for years, and then hop and fall after an ordinary quarrel in transport.
What is this immaturity
Accordingly, infantilism is a conscious or unconscious desire to remain in childhood, when you are not responsible for anything, you live with emotions, as “it is.” But, if for a 10-year-old child this is normal and corresponds to his age, then at 30-40 years old, this already begins to irritate many.
However, even the most infantile person’s life is not so sweet. Infantile individuals quickly succumb to panic and, when there are problems, they cry like babies, fight in hysterics and look for those who would save them.
Growing up implies a certain planning of life and subordination to this very plan, and, therefore, it is control over one’s own life, decisions, choices .
Adulthood and a sense of adulthood are also noted. These two concepts, although related, have different meanings. For example, a feeling of adulthood arises in a teenager who strives to express himself and makes efforts to stop being considered a small child. He demands the role of an adult, but still cannot realize himself fully.
Surviving alongside a growing child
When a family has a teenager (or better yet, several), life is a little like sitting on a volcano. Are you ready to listen to the weather forecast, call all the shamans, pray... Anything, as long as the lava doesn’t burn your butt.
Do you want to survive your beloved child’s teenage crisis without loss?
We need to understand what growing up is and:
come to terms with;
Your daughter/son has grown up - relate to this thought. We remember them as sweet baby dolls, peacefully lying in diapers. And they are already individual individuals with their own extraordinary outlook on life.
Give them a new place in the family - not on an equal basis with their parents, but with the right to make decisions. Choosing a jacket, a university, a section, a tutor, obtaining a certificate and filling out documents - they can already handle all this.
discuss safety;
Mother Talking To Teenage Daughter About Contraception
At 15, it’s too late to start your first conversation about sex. At this age, children no longer want to talk with their ancestors about sensitive topics. If contact has not been established, it is better to pay for a lecture by a sex educator or organize it at the school (together with the administration).
The task of parents is to teach the child to protect their own boundaries, say “no” and prevent violence. “If you bring it in the hem, I’ll kill you!” - a bad start to a confidential conversation.
Sex education is not everything. Create a family password that you can easily say over the phone in front of everyone. It means only one thing: “Come urgently and pick me up, things are bad.” The code phrase can be anything, but ask your child to memorize it.
Teenagers often look for adventure. Discuss how to protect yourself in the alley, where to run, who to call and what to yell. Instill in your child the thought: “Perhaps I will be freaked out by your tricks, I will probably be angry. But I am ALWAYS on your side. You can come at any time with any problem.”
deal with your cockroaches;
But burdening a person with your ambitions is unnecessary. Get on with your life. A midlife crisis is just around the corner.
Do you really want your son to become a doctor? What went wrong in your life, why did you carefully place your desires on your child’s shoulders? If you're drawn to medicine, go for it yourself. Honey. College will quickly open the doors to the world of injections, IVs and childbirth.
talk a lot;
Does your teenager agree to discuss pressing issues with you? Rejoice, half the country is the envy of you. Take advantage of this and talk, talk, talk.
No notes, please. Share your experience, reason together. Remember how you discuss exciting topics with friends? You need to do the same thing: honestly, but as correctly as possible.
look for common interests.
Mother and son (13-15) playing with game controls, smiling
Growing people need communication with their adults, although they carefully hide this fact. Offer them leisure time together: watch a movie, go to your work, go to a concert.
Be prepared to hear rejection and accept it calmly. And after a while, offer something else. You are still the head of the family pack and the responsibility for the relationship is still yours. Therefore, taking the initiative is your routine task.
Growing up at a crazy pace starts with moving. Instead of the fifth eyeshadow palette, did your daughter buy buckwheat on sale? Be proud that you have raised a self-sufficient person. But if a child spends his whole life under his mother’s wing, you will never know about it.
You don’t have to move out forever, but getting a taste of independent life is an important step. Otherwise, the place where the child spends the day will simply change.
First a garden, then a school, a university, then an office. And dinner will continue to appear on its own, just like the food in the refrigerator. In such conditions, you can grow up until retirement.
Complete independence
This is absolute mental, physical and financial independence. There can be no talk of independence if a person is unable to make a choice without instructions, advice or direction from the outside (most often parents act as regulators). Special attention is required by the fact that an independent adult does not need financial support from third parties. By the way, the habit of constantly getting into financial debt is a sign of infantilism.
Adolescence and youth: a difficult age
The past period also captured concepts such as “good” and “bad.” At this stage, the child can already clearly determine how he wants to act, “good” or “bad.”
During this period, under no circumstances should you try to impose your point of view or prove something. It's useless. The teenager will rebel and the relationship will be damaged. The parent needs to keep a “finger on the pulse, but not pinch.”
For a comfortable experience of adolescence with the search for the “meaning of life” and “place in this world”, it is important that there is a healthy atmosphere in the house. If this is not the case, and the child has quietly outgrown the period of adolescence, it is too early to rejoice. There is a possibility that this will result in psychological trauma that will manifest itself in adulthood, for example, in family life or building a career.
Ability to take responsibility
You alone are responsible for your actions (or inactions). When you make a decision, you must understand that you alone will be responsible for what happens next. You must learn to take responsibility. Of course, external factors influence the outcome, but you have more control than you think. If something went wrong, then you might have missed something. Never blame others for your mistakes. This is a big step towards growing up.
Maturity: welcome to the world of adults!
If the rebellious period passed without critical situations, then integration into the adult world will go smoothly. The first serious relationship, the first job, dismissal, serious purchases - all this will bring joy and new sensations. If, when faced with something new, a person experiences a feeling of fear and rejection, this only means that the process of self-identification in adolescence was not entirely successful and needs to start all over again.
The difficulty is that many do not realize that this should not be the case, and perceive this as the difficulties of adult life.
Formed principles, values and beliefs
In childhood and adolescence, we often find ourselves dependent on the opinions of other people. On the one hand, it helps to find a compromise and establish friendly relations. On the other hand, young people often follow the crowd, try to fit in, pretend to be other people. This deprives them of their uniqueness. An adult can clearly articulate his principles, values and beliefs. He will not indulge anyone if it does not suit his views on life. He is honest with himself, he is real.
