Neglect - emotional neglect in a relationship

Imagine a young father who follows the commandment to “put the oxygen mask on yourself first” and protects his sleep: after all, he is the only breadwinner in the family while his wife takes care of the baby. He goes to bed in a separate room, closes the door tightly so that crying does not wake him up. It would seem that everything is correct: the man made a choice in favor of his health.

But a woman rocking a baby and barely having time to sleep between feedings and changing diapers has no such choice. She has no one to entrust the newborn with so that she can sleep the “legitimate” eight hours without waking up, and the child’s life is entirely in her area of ​​responsibility. Accumulating sleep deprivation leads to devastating consequences - from clinical depression to postpartum psychosis.

The situation when caring for oneself and one’s boundaries masks the complete shifting of one’s responsibilities onto the shoulders of another person is described by the term “hidden violence” or “ignorance.”»

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Situations that are completely trivial at first glance can be neglectful: feeding a small child junk food; forget that my grandmother asked me to buy her medicine; not calling back in response to three missed calls from an elderly father, etc. All these “little things”, upon closer examination, turn out to be not so harmless.

What is neglect?

The word neglect translated from English means “to neglect”, “not to pay attention”, “not to fulfill a duty”.

There is confusion with this term in the scientific literature, since two different meanings have been assigned to it. In neurophysiology, neglect is understood as a violation of the perception of one’s own body, expressed in “falling out” of the left or right side from the field of vision, and in social psychology - as a form of psychological violence in the form of neglect of the needs, interests and personality of the victim (we will talk about the second meaning) .

The study of neglect as a type of violence was initially conducted in the context of child-parent interaction. Child neglect is the systematic disregard by adults of a child's physical or emotional needs, which leads to long-term damage to his physical or psychological health.

For example, a son complains of a headache, but his parents brush him off: there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re still young. As a result, the child receives medical care only when the pain becomes completely unbearable. If its cause lay, for example, in hemorrhage or cerebral ischemia, lost time can lead to irreversible brain damage, disability and even death.

The reluctance of parents to allocate time for emotional communication and games with the child, or to make efforts to enroll in an educational institution, or to solve emerging problems, etc. - all these are also examples of parental neglect.

Now neglect is understood more broadly, and its victims can be recognized not only by children, but also by adults in vulnerable situations: pregnant women, mothers of infants, elderly people, patients in hospital institutions, etc. A common feature of such people is their temporary or constant dependence on others due to loss of employment and sometimes incapacity.

Negligence differs from occasional blunders or healthy border defense in the following ways:

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systematic neglect of responsibilities: “brushing aside” requests and dissatisfaction with the vital needs of a person dependent on a drug addict occurs constantly and is passed off as the norm;

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causing real damage or harm to the victim: neglect over and over again worsens the physical or psychological health of the dependent person, increases his economic lack of freedom, destroys social ties, etc.;

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a shift in the focus of responsibility: the neglecter does not admit his own guilt in what is happening, shifting it onto those around him or the victim himself.

Negligence manifests itself not only in close relationships: the rude treatment of doctors with patients in a hospital inpatient department is also hidden violence.

Doctors and medical staff may refuse pain relief to patients (“you’re not supposed to!”); not fulfill simple everyday requests: give drinking water or make the bed (“I’ll run to everyone!”); restrict freedom of movement (“it’s forbidden to leave the room!”), etc.

The workers of the medical institution do not feel guilty, explaining what is happening to various circumstances: orders from management, excessive workload, “wrong” behavior of the patients themselves.

However, each of these actions (or inactions), although not violating job descriptions, is actually violence and leads to increased stress and deterioration in the health of people already weakened by illness.

It turns out that neglect is a form of violence in which a person with power and obligations systematically refuses to satisfy the vital needs of a person dependent on him, does not provide the support and assistance he needs, and does not recognize his responsibility in the current situation.

What are the consequences of neglect?

Many people come to the understanding very late that they live under the same roof with a passive aggressor. It all starts with minor friction; reluctance to provide help is attributed to stubbornness, complex character, or fatigue. The worst thing is when the injured party becomes completely dependent on the offender. In such cases, the neglector feels like a ruler, having complete control over finances, supplies of food, and clothing. He distributes “benefits” and helps in satisfying human needs at his own discretion, often “forgetting” about his duties, which often leads to fatal consequences for the victim.

Forms of hidden violence

The most important problem preventing the fight against negligence is its “invisibility”. Even those involved in a situation of hidden violence may not notice it, not to mention outside observers. Psychologists have compiled a list of forms in which neglect can manifest itself:

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emotional neglect - neglect of the psychological needs of a dependent person, his need for respect, communication, etc. (for example, parents ridiculing the romantic experiences of their teenage daughter);

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physical neglect - leaving a dependent person in a situation that is obviously dangerous to life or health (for example, refusing to call an ambulance for a person with signs of a sudden stroke);

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neglect in the educational sphere - preventing a dependent person from receiving general or vocational education (for example, the demand of older relatives that the daughter-in-law leave college immediately after marriage in order to provide everyday services for the family);

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medical negligence - inadequate provision of medical care, medications and care to a person with an acute or chronic illness (for example, a ban on blood transfusion to a child in need because of the religious views of the parents);

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neglect in the field of psychological health
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ignoring the recommendations of specialists (psychologists, psychotherapists, speech pathologists, etc.) on the psychological development or psychocorrection of a dependent person (for example, reproaching a person suffering from clinical depression for “doing nothing” and “laziness”).

Negligence always starts small: I forgot something, misunderstood something, lost my temper a little. Such mistakes are characteristic of any living person - shouldn’t we write everyone down as neglectors for this?

The key point that turns random errors into a systematic phenomenon is responsibility for eliminating their consequences.

For example, if a father with a disability and his adult son are late for a doctor’s appointment due to the latter’s fault, and he immediately undertakes to correct his mistake, spending his own resources on it: he himself negotiates with the doctor about an unscheduled consultation in the near future, pays for it himself, and brings the parent himself to clinic - we can talk about the normal nature of family interaction. Moreover, faced with the need to deal with the results of their own mistakes, people, as a rule, try to prevent their repetition: they leave early, set alarms and reminders on their phones, etc.

Relationships between people, one of whom depends on the other, can be considered destructive when the consequences of neglect - “forgetting” and ignoring - become a problem for the dependent person or third parties.

In this case, the negative scenario can be repeated, getting worse each time: the first time the matter will be late to the doctor, the second - a “mixed up” appointment date, the third - the son will even decide to be “offended” by his father, who complains that the consultation has already been postponed twice, and canceling the trip will be a kind of “punishment for ingratitude.” The burdens associated with treatment not prescribed on time will fall on the patient himself or on the person providing him with constant care (for example, an old mother). This situation already fits the description of medical negligence: it involves systematicity, evasion of responsibility, and infliction of real damage to the victim.

Negligence can successfully masquerade as completely ordinary patterns of behavior. These include, for example, the famous “creative absent-mindedness” of scientists, musicians or writers (even if the public has not yet received a single discovery, album or book from them).

It turns out to be very convenient to hide behind the idea of ​​​​serving a great cause, so as not to take on the trouble of providing for and raising children, and in general bother with the base life, dumping all responsibilities on the shoulders of spouses or parents.

Another variant of hidden violence is the famous “there are many of you, but I am alone” - the refusal of workers in social institutions to look for options for helping those who need it: patients in the clinic, children in kindergarten, etc. When, under the pretext of emergency employment (and , that there is suddenly time for tea drinking or discussing gossip) the receptionist forces a person on crutches to jump up the stairs to the fourth floor for a certificate or the nanny leaves the baby in clothes soiled with soup - these are also manifestations of negligence, almost imperceptible and, alas, almost habitual.

From the first dates, a woman has very romantic, anxious and exciting expectations. Even if a woman constantly meets men in search of the one and only (for example, from dating sites), any date is a discovery for her. And she really wants this discovery to be pleasant and not disappointing. However, reality can sober up a lady, and certain male actions will put her into a state of confusion, awkwardness and even resentment. Or, even worse, they won’t introduce it, because she was brought up to endure, and therefore she will miss the obvious alarm bells, endure them and simply consider them a male characteristic. But in vain. Because in the future, with such a man, she will suffer more and more. 10 clearly disrespectful attacks towards a woman:

1. He cancels dates more than once, and not long before the meeting, when you are already set up and getting ready. It is noteworthy that the reasons for canceling are completely ridiculous: the boss asked to stay late at work, mom rubbed her feet with new shoes and asks to take her home, or a friend asked for help installing a fan, and he himself once helped install a heater for your man. In the book “He Doesn’t Like You That Much,” which is generally not out of date (a must-read for girls!), it is written that your meeting should be written on his schedule in ink, not in pencil, that canceling a meeting more than once is a sign to send a gentleman on foot erotic and never return to it. Let's look into the situation. Perhaps you are not that important to him, i.e. he found a more interesting option for this evening, or his former love forgave him, or he got drunk in a bar. In any case, you are number fifteen on his list of priorities. Maybe he doesn't know how to refuse? Because he (in theory) can tell the boss that all overtime is only with the written consent of the employee (this is the law), and tickets for the evening to the Mariinsky Theater with a girl have already been taken, and is the boss ready to pay 4000 rubles of lost money just so that the employee is late? You can advise your mother to call a taxi and continue to break in her shoes at home, and tell your friend that you remember his service and are ready to help him in return, but not to the detriment of your plans. Maybe he is simply childish or frivolous, and does not know how to calculate his time? In any case: why do you need such a gentleman?!
2. He makes an appointment for you less than a day before. Or even in an hour. All the calls: “Get ready, I’ll pick you up now,” “I’m suddenly free, let’s go for a walk,” or “Oh, I happened to have an extra ticket, the concert is in an hour, get dressed and catch a taxi” are disrespectful. It is extremely important for a woman to prepare for a date externally and mentally. It is very unpleasant for a woman to come on a date not in the best shape or mentally unprepared. Meetings should be scheduled 24 hours in advance - and even then the woman’s schedule can be scheduled for a week. And such sudden attempts to disrupt a woman right off the bat, in addition to disrespect, suggest that she is a backup option. A man booked a table for two at a restaurant, but his girlfriend abruptly refused. He is urgently looking for a replacement. Or his lady was supposed to spend the night with him. but her period began, and now the man is thinking about whom to unleash all his fighting spirit on.
3. He arranged a date that he clearly couldn't afford. You know, when men tell me about women’s commercialism, I always recommend that they take the golden rule to heart: go to places that won’t strain his wallet. It is clear that a cool businessman can spend tens of thousands on a young lady in an evening, and for him this is an ordinary expense, and a part-time student can only offer her McDonald’s around the corner. And if a man is unpleasant when he spent more than he thought, or he did not have enough money to pay the bill, then it is doubly disgusting for a woman. Women are usually not stupid. They understand that asking students to take them to a restaurant with a dress code, where one shrimp dish costs from 1,800 rubles, is stupid. And most likely they won’t do that. So, men, have a date you can handle. And don’t put the lady in an awkward position if you don’t have enough money to pay for her eclair in addition to coffee.
4. He allows himself clearly uncivil behavior. He can afford to fart, burp, blow his nose loudly, and eat like a pig in front of a woman. The girl is far from his wife, and such behavior during the courtship period is very disgusting. In the end, all physiological needs can be relieved in the nearest toilet. I went there, farted, blew my nose, rested, washed my hands and came back to the lady without any unnecessary urges. The worst thing is if a man does not consider it necessary to restrain himself at all. Is this ACHETAKOV’s abuse? He doesn’t want to spread his feathers in front of you and show himself at his best, so it’s not in his interests to court you. You can explain to yourself as much as you like that a man is simply an adherent of the theory “what is natural is not ugly.” But admit to yourself that he simply did not receive the proper education.
5. He allows himself to stare at his phone on a date. Constantly writes to someone. Maybe in front of you (or when he leaves) you can have a long conversation with someone, and from the conversation you hear that this is clearly not an urgent matter, but just a heart-to-heart blah blah blah. During a date, it is ethical to put phones at least on silent mode, if something important really could happen (you are waiting for a call from your child or you are a big boss, and emergency situations may happen at work). Ideally, on a date, you should not take your phones out of your bag at all. It is best to warn everyone who may be in touch before the meeting that you will be busy that evening and ask them not to call you, but simply write if something important happens. Men, check your phone when the lady goes to the restroom so that when she returns you won’t touch your mobile phone. But not with her.
6. He is silent like a partisan under interrogation by the Gestapo. I have already written about silence and its reasons here. This is uncivilized, a sign of bad taste and complete disrespect for women.
7. He doesn't care about your interests. He asks what restaurant you would like to go to. And when you say that you love Japanese cuisine, he immediately frowns - how can you even eat this, and let’s better go and eat normal pizza in an Italian restaurant. And it doesn’t matter that you’re on a diet. Or he takes you to the cinema, you choose to watch that melodrama that you have been waiting for a long time. He frowns that this is all pink snot for fools, he has long wanted to watch that bloody action movie over there, and there is no point in asking for all sorts of nonsense. It is very insulting to a woman when her desires and interests are neglected. If you want to say goodbye to this woman, show disregard for her needs and desires.
8. Neglect of your interests, hobbies, lifestyle, appearance. Perhaps dating such men is the most disgusting thing that ever happens. You can only feel so humiliating with fecaloid people. A man will squeamishly ask what kind of shit you did on your head and why you couldn’t do a normal hairstyle. In response to your story about playing sports, he will notice that “a woman doesn’t need to work on her muscles at all.” When you boast to him that you are processing photographs, he will ask: “So what? Are you a cool processor? Millions of people besides you are doing this, are you so cool at this? Don’t do bullshit, better learn how to cook delicious borscht - I want to eat it at home, not look at your photoshop.” Do you understand that these are attempts at control and abuse? Run away from something like this right away and not be afraid to be branded a dynamo. After communicating with fecaloid, I want to hang myself. Even if a man is a professional stylist, he can advise you something, but with respect. For example, say that in his professional opinion, you would like to make a cascade out of your long hair - this will emphasize your beautiful oval face.
9. Creating inconvenience for you, dating on uncomfortable terms for you. For example, a man asks a lady to come on a date half a city away because it’s more convenient for him. He does not offer to call a taxi or pick up a lady. Or he asks the lady to find the nearest normal restaurant or cinema here. Almost everyone has mobile Internet. A man himself is able to Google and find what he needs. A lady comes on a date not to decide something else, but to be courted. In turn, if a man himself wants to court a lady, he will not allow her to shake on the way to a date on the subway with transfers or figure out how to book a tour of the rooftops.
10. Harassment. Very disgusting behavior, especially if before the date the madam clearly indicated that you are not going to go to bed with this man yet, and any hints of intimacy are unacceptable for her. Some men think that a woman is simply breaking down, being capricious, and overestimating herself. We must forcefully break through her refusal and take her almost by force. They are very mistaken, because if a woman is not a completely young naive fool, then her “no” means exactly no. At the same time, this is ignoring the lady’s wishes. She asks not to joke about vulgar topics, to let go of her hand and not to try to cuddle with her in the cinema. And the man continues: “I’m not pestering, I’ll just take your hand, stroke it, kiss it. Well, ACHETAKOVA, I’m just kissing her hand. Can I hug you? What the hell, I’ll just give you a hug...” As a result, after a couple of such actions, the man will whine that the woman has excited him so much that his pants are about to tear, and she is obliged to urgently provide him with intimate first aid. Men! The compliment “I have a hard-on” is never a compliment for a woman. Medicine does not yet know of a case where a man died from an unsatisfied boner. The lady asked you not to touch, so DON'T TOUCH HER, DAMMIT! And finally, remember that sex against a lady’s will is rape, for which she may well file a complaint.

What should a lady do if she behaves disrespectfully? Immediately, without tolerating, without understanding and without hesitation, clearly declare to the man: “I don’t like this behavior. I ask you not to do this again." And if a man repeats the actions and spits on the lady’s desires (“Why are you so sensitive? Offended by bullshit!”), then send this gentleman to hell. You will not regret.

Why is neglect also violence?

The consequences for victims of neglect are as sad as for victims of other types of violence. In addition to direct damage due to failure to provide timely help, these include chronic stress, difficulties in social interaction, depressive and anxiety disorders, social isolation, a tendency to build dysfunctional relationships in the future, and even poor susceptibility to antidepressants.

The general mechanism for the development of these problems is something like this: constantly faced with the devaluation of requests and complaints, and subsequently the personality as a whole, the victim gets used to the idea of ​​his own insignificance and the lack of the right to basic care from others.

A distorted image of one’s own “I” is formed, which influences all further human behavior - from the choice of future spouses to the willingness to give up one’s resources at the slightest pressure from outside.

Because of this, many of the consequences of neglect are delayed, appearing many years after leaving the traumatic situation.

What is cynicism?

Cynicism is a demonstrably dismissive or even contemptuous attitude towards generally accepted moral, moral, ethical, ideological, religious and cultural values, as well as ideas about decency and decency. Cynics believe that compassion, empathy, shame and other emotions prevent a person from using common sense and making good decisions.

When trying to understand the motives of another person, we usually judge by ourselves - we try to come up with a reason that would force us to do the same. Cynics, like most other people, tend to judge others by themselves. Therefore, they believe that everyone around them is guided solely by their own interests, hiding behind fictitious universal human values. In particular, they are reluctant to believe in selflessness, and when someone volunteers to help them, they try to find selfish interest or some other catch in it.

The word “cynicism” comes from the name of the ancient Greek philosophical school of Cynics (the most famous representative of which is Diogenes). The ideas of the Cynics were based on a rejection of social, moral and ethical conventions. They denied family values ​​and did not accept the dogmas imposed by the state and society. The name of the school was derived from the word κύων (dog) or κυνικός (canine). Since the term entered European languages ​​through Latin, its sound was distorted, and “cynicism” turned into “cynicism.”

How to test yourself for hidden violence?

The variety of forms and the implicit destructive effect of neglect make this type of violence not obvious not only to its victims, but also to the neglecter himself. What outwardly looks like a desire to isolate oneself from imposed problems can in fact be both healthy self-care and a destructive way of building relationships.

What to do if you doubt whether your own actions are manifestations of negligence? To find out, you can use a checklist based on criteria proposed by researchers from the University of London:

- you do not pay attention to the fact that a person who depends on you (a child, an elderly relative, a patient, etc.) is upset or offended by something;

- you are not interested in what the person who depends on you was doing while you were not seeing each other;

- you do not try to calm down a person who depends on you if he is upset or alarmed;

— from time to time you leave a person who depends on you alone (without supervision or the ability to quickly contact you);

- you are not interested in the feelings and experiences of the person who depends on you;

— you do not provide a person who depends on you with the opportunity to undergo routine or preventive medical examinations;

- you do not take care of a person who depends on you during illness or illness;

- due to your actions or inaction, a person dependent on you cannot fully satisfy basic needs (food, clothing, sleep, etc.).

If at least half of these statements are true, we can confidently say that there is negligence in the relationship.

However, even if only 2-3 points from the checklist are true, this is a wake-up call: you are systematically ignoring the emotional or physical needs of someone who, due to age, illness or other circumstances, cannot take care of himself.

It is important to note that all of the listed criteria for negligence are valid only for those cases when people are connected to each other by professional, family or moral obligations and at the same time one has a certain power, and the second, on the contrary, is limited in its capabilities (temporarily or permanently).

If a wife did not take time off from work in order to sit at the bedside of her husband, who had a slight cold, this does not characterize her as a neglecter, since the participants in the situation are in a relationship of parity and are not in a dangerous situation. But if the husband refused to leave the corporate event in order to take his wife with contractions to the maternity hospital, this may be a sign of hidden violence, since the giving birth woman is in a vulnerable position, and untimely provision of medical care seriously threatens the health of the mother and child.

“Neglect”: the meaning of the word

The word “neglect” as a noun (or “neglect” as a verb form) expresses a whole galaxy of meanings. If we are talking about a person whom we neglect, then this means that we do not respect him, do not take care of him, and do not consider him worthy of our attention. You can also neglect something inanimate. For example, “neglect help”, “neglect someone’s attention”, “neglect an action”. The meaning here remains the same - when using this word, a person means that he can do just fine without this item. Synonyms for the word “disdain” are the words “contempt” and “arrogance”. A person who neglects ignores, does not respect, does not take into account, is disdainful, tramples on the foundations, turns a blind eye to what is happening or turns a blind eye. On the other hand, antonyms of this word are the expressions “respect someone”, “treat with respect”.

Negligence towards oneself

However, you can be a negligent, even if you do not have small children, pregnant wives, dependent patients or disabled parents. There is definitely a person in the world whose well-being depends entirely on your actions - you yourself .

Neglect of one’s own needs, the habit of not noticing fatigue and disappointment, urging oneself “come on, get yourself together, you rag, there’s no point in snotting around here” - these are signs of a phenomenon called “self-ignorance” by psychologists.

The consequences of this type of neglect can be even more destructive than the results of “external” violence: a person who ignores his desires and emotions often refuses to accept the help of others, considering his problems not worth attention. This behavior usually worsens over time, up to the development of various forms of suicidal behavior - refusal to eat, neglect of physical safety rules, sleep deprivation, etc. - accompanied by severe somatic and mental disorders.

Try checking yourself using a checklist describing manifestations of neglect in relation to yourself:

- you often do work, not paying attention to fatigue and hunger;

— you postpone scheduled and preventive visits to the doctor until you feel symptoms of a health problem;

- you deny yourself entertainment and pleasure, feeling that you don’t deserve them;

- you neglect proper rest, sleep or hygiene due to work, household chores and other matters;

- you do not allocate time and money for your own studies or self-development in an area that interests you;

- you shame yourself for “excessive” displays of emotions, tears or complaints;

- you often suffer from illnesses on your feet, and begin work or household duties without completing the treatment and recovery process;

- you do not provide yourself with adequate nutrition, grabbing food on the run, making do with junk food or cheap, monotonous food.

If you gave four or more affirmative answers, your self-neglect is dangerous and, what is especially scary, systemic. Even two matches with the checklist may be enough to think about how you can change habitual, but, alas, self-destructive behavior on your own or with the help of a specialist.

Neglect as a Character Trait

Neglect is considered not a very good quality. For example, you are absolutely confident in your strengths or skills and you know that other people’s recommendations or advice are of no use to you.

Instead of listening with gratitude to a person who wishes us well, most try to neglect such help. This happens on some unconscious level. Perhaps in order to show their own importance and superiority, or because of banal disrespect. If you do not want to seem like such a person, then do not neglect unexpected, and especially unsolicited, help.

Causes and sources of hidden violence

Like any phenomenon, negligence does not develop in a vacuum. Among its reasons are internal (related to the personality characteristics of the negliger himself) and external (reinforcing negligence as an unspoken norm of social behavior).

Internal factors of neglect include :

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Emotional burnout. A specific reaction to overstrain caused by high work or household stress, as well as parental responsibilities, is one of the most common prerequisites for the manifestation of neglect.

Often in such cases, a person isolates himself from other people’s problems - this is an attempt by the psyche to somehow preserve the remnants of strength, despite the fact that in the long term the consequences of such an attitude will be even more destructive.

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Low empathy. Empathy, that is, the ability to empathize with others, triggers the mechanism of caring. Accordingly, the inability to put oneself in the shoes of a loved one can be a key reason why their feelings and needs are perceived as unimportant, and their fulfillment is relegated to the background or simply ignored.

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Cognitive impairment. Often a person with disorders of memory, thinking and volitional regulation cannot take care not only of another person, but also of himself - this phenomenon is often observed in older people suffering from dementia and other mental disorders. In this case, the neglect is not purposeful: the person is simply unable to remember the instructions or predict the results of his own actions.

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Substance abuse. Systematic use of alcohol or drugs significantly reduces the ability to engage in normal social interaction. Chemical dependence distorts personality: a person becomes rude, irritable, and ceases to fulfill parental and other responsibilities. According to researchers, this factor is a key prerequisite for the development of neglect in low-income families.

External causes of neglect are associated with three important indicators:

• economic well-being;
• characteristics of parental education;
• general tolerance of society to violence.

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Existing below the poverty line, when people are forced to struggle every day for survival, greatly contributes to the development of neglect.

It is extremely difficult to respond to the emotional needs of children or provide quality medical care to a sick aunt if you work three jobs and still struggle to make ends meet.

Moreover, chronically malnourished people develop psychopathological symptoms: narrowing of interests, increasing irritability and aggressiveness, egocentrism, etc. - all this, of course, makes them more dismissive of the needs of loved ones.

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The style of parenting largely determines a person’s basic attitude towards himself and the world. In the family, our ideas about how to interact with others are laid down, and we very often reproduce the behavior patterns of our parents with us when communicating with our own children. Scientists from Harvard University have shown that a dysfunctional relationship model, including emotional rejection, a “cold” parenting style, ignoring children’s problems, etc., is highly likely to be reproduced in subsequent generations of the same family.

If your parents ignored your needs (or other household members) for educational purposes or simply due to a lack of emotional resources, you will need a lot of effort and time to develop other, more humane ways of interacting.

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The attitude of society towards violence is another significant prerequisite for the manifestation of its hidden forms in relation to unprotected members of society. Negligence can be perceived as a norm for treating children, the elderly, patients, etc., and social stereotypes play an important role in the formation of such a norm. Moreover, in some situations, not one person, but an entire group can act as a non-glector: a family, a community, a city, or even an entire state.

Such social ignorance is manifested, for example, in a collective refusal to support vulnerable groups of the population - from the expulsion of nursing mothers from public places (and the subsequent fierce Internet debate about whether a woman with a breastfeeding child can go beyond the clinic and playground) to the absolute inaccessibility of the urban environment for people in wheelchairs and an indifferent refusal to help: “Not allowed.”

Potential victims of social neglect are any representatives of discriminated groups. The results of a study of the attitudes of nursing home staff towards residents showed that the needs of those older people who are poor, belong to a racial or religious minority, have a disability, etc. are more often ignored.

The imbalance is also noticeable in gender terms: on the one hand, girls more often become victims of parental neglect, and on the other, society is much less tolerant of manifestations of neglect by women than the same behavior of men.

However, if in Western psychology this problem is at least voiced and studied, then in Russia they practically do not talk about it at all. Unfortunately, for our society, violence is still perceived as an undeniable attribute of any, even the slightest, power.

An excellent illustration is the famous janitor syndrome, when visitors of various institutions have difficulty accessing services, are denied service, or simply make offensive remarks by lower-level employees - security guards, clerks, etc. - who, through negligence, realize their, albeit momentary, superiority over another person.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to completely get rid of the influence of society on our views, but it is quite possible over time to develop the skill of critical perception of traditional habits and stop, for example, shaming people for showing weakness or devaluing their feelings.

Why is contempt dangerous?

Contempt: good or bad? It’s bad, both for the person who despises and for the one who is despised. A disdainful attitude towards someone indicates that there is not enough love and kindness, or respect as such, in a person. He put himself above others, decided that he could judge and condemn. If a person ignores these manifestations in himself, then negative emotions and feelings will consume him. A disdainful attitude towards someone easily turns into anger, hatred, rage, violence. And the circle of what a person despises is rapidly expanding.

To be fair, sometimes contempt is a good feeling. It cannot be completely destroyed because it helps to eradicate antisocial and immoral behavior. It acts as social control, a regulator of people's behavior. For example, it is necessary to cultivate a disdainful attitude towards sexual promiscuity, crime, and cowardice. But at the same time, it is important to ensure that disdain does not turn into hatred. Condemnation must be combined with the desire and ability to help.

What if you are a non-glector?

What to do if you realize that your behavior in general or in individual but regular little things is similar to negligence?

No matter who the target is: a child, a relative, a patient or yourself, in order to correct the situation you need to learn new, non-violent interaction techniques.

The first step to any change is to understand the reasons that motivate you to act ineffectively.

What needs do you have that come to the fore when you act as a non-gluer? Why do you forget requests, make fun of other people’s feelings, and always answer when trying to start a conversation: “I’m busy”? Depending on the real cause of neglect, getting rid of it can be based on different mechanisms - from seeing a doctor to treat physiological problems affecting cognitive abilities, to changing professions or reviewing one’s own role in family relationships.

In any case, it will be useful to master nonviolent communication techniques aimed at direct and unambiguous voice by interlocutors of their own feelings, needs and requests.

A frank conversation with a loved one or a psychologist can help clarify “difficult” moments and develop careful ways of responding in “non-resource” states.

For example, it can be helpful to create a list of necessary household routines, in which you will mark off the completed tasks every day, so as not to leave the tedious responsibility of reminding you of your part of the housework on your spouse every day. It is possible that the habitually erupting words “Leave me alone, I have no time for you” can be turned into “I’m sorry, I feel very tired, let me rest, and in an hour we can talk.”

It may also turn out that the profession that you once entered with a burning desire to help people has not brought satisfaction for a long time, and those around you, both at work and at home, suffer from your prolonged burnout.

A special case is manifestations of self-neglect, which often lives next to low self-esteem and negative self-attitude. It can be quite difficult to understand the reasons for the ingrained attitude “I am not worthy of care” on your own: probably in this case, turning to a psychotherapist will be a good support. A specialist will help you reconsider priorities, introduce systematic self-care practices into your life, and generally improve your sense of self and self-perception.

Now we are actively reconsidering our views on human communication: violence is becoming unacceptable not only in obvious, but also in hidden forms. Looking for signs of neglect can feel like pulling an owl onto a globe, until it becomes clear to you that tolerance of violence is a manifestation of violence against oneself. Few of us have been completely free of violence in our relationships, but we have the ability to design our lives in a way that makes this possible.

How to deal with negligence?

The most important thing is not to become completely dependent on a passive aggressor. You need to understand that neglect is abuse, a dangerous type of violence that can harm mental and physical health. The following options exist to solve the problem:

1. If you have accumulated finances, it is better to move to another living space.
2. If you are concerned about health problems, you should immediately contact a competent professional.
3. Remote work helps many people solve money problems and gain financial independence if you physically cannot get a job in a regular company.
4. If your partner insists on narrowing your social circle, breaking up with girlfriends (friends), and trying to isolate you from the outside world, this is the most important sign of a passive aggressor, from whom it is better to stay away.
5. Try not to stop communicating with your loved ones and friends; they should always be aware of your problems.
6. If there are no alternative housing options, you should turn to relatives or social services for support.
7. Do not forget that a person has only one life. If you feel extremely uncomfortable communicating with a person, and notice a threat from him, try to limit communication with such a suspicious person and look for another partner for life.

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