Husband is a despot and tyrant: signs. What do psychologists advise if your husband is a manipulator?

Svetlana Rozhenko 03/02/2016 Marriage and family relationships, psychology of family relationships, children, living arrangements, Advice from experienced people comments 11,133 Views

The husband should be strong and decisive, and the wife should be flexible and soft. This stereotype is so firmly entrenched in people’s heads that it has given rise to many perverted forms of understanding it. Just look at the sayings “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear” and “Beating her means loving her”! Long battles for gender equality have not been able to fundamentally change the matter; even in our progressive times, a large number of women are, to one degree or another, subjected to pressure from their tyrant husband: moral, financial, and often physical.

What are the signs to recognize a despot husband?
How to live with a domestic dictator: advice from a psychologist
Is it possible to rehabilitate a tyrant?
How to get rid of a despot husband: get a divorce, leave with your child and break up forever

Types of behavior of a tyrant husband

Domestic tyrants are notorious boys who grow into dangerous men. It doesn’t matter the degree of your love, level of income and other external factors - the tyrant is always ready to release his childhood resentment and anger on the person closest to him. In a family, this lightning rod, unfortunately, is the wife.

In psychology, there are 3 types of tyrant: controlling, devaluing and aggressive.

Controlling

His tyranny is to completely control what happens. Where were you, why didn’t you pick up the phone for so long (you walked from the stop for 20 minutes, not 10), why did you take an extra 200 rubles from your card, for whom did you put on lipstick, what dream did you have, with whom the line was busy, where did the receipt from the store go? etc.

Every day, the wife is bombarded with a lot of the same type of questions, from which it is impossible to remain silent. If a tyrant husband asks questions, you need to answer immediately, otherwise your sighs will be perceived suspiciously, which threatens a huge scandal. The saddest thing is that this whole nightmare is veiled under “caring”, so it is not so easy to distinguish a husband’s concern from obsession in time.

Over time, a tyrant husband forbids his wife to communicate with the opposite sex, be it a father, brother, classmate, colleague, or mutual friend. All calls, SMS, card statements, social networks are fully monitored. Clothing, the smell of perfume, makeup, and the spouse’s manicure are also monitored. There may even be a listening device at home.

Depreciating

In this case, the husband constantly humiliates and insults his wife. His goal is to completely suppress her self-esteem. It is impossible to please a depreciating tyrant - unsalted soup, ugly nails, hair color makes you look old, a skirt makes you look fat, sex is boring, habits are disgusting, laughter is hysterical, etc.

It happens that humiliation from the lips of a tyrant husband sounds sweet, harmless, and in a humorous manner. “Who else but me, your husband, will tell you the truth?”, “Who would marry you, such a fool, except me?”, “Well, where should you work with such an appearance, it’s me who’s used to you, others and they might get scared,” “I look at you and think, probably, without me you would have died long ago (disappeared, worked as a cleaner, married a janitor, sold herring).

Why does the husband still live next to such a plain-looking wife? You are the source of his energy and good mood. At your expense, they simply assert themselves, feeling strength and superiority.

Aggressive

The most dangerous tyrant is one who unleashes his hands on his household members. There is little moral pressure for him; the tyrant is ready to back up his every word with action. The outbursts of anger of the tyrant husband are absolutely unfounded; he is a man of mood. You looked at it wrong, you prepared it wrong, you dressed up wrong, you smiled crookedly, you decided to express your point of view, you remained silent, you watched the wrong movie. And it may not even be about you at all! A wife can also get it for being rude to her husband in line, depriving her of a bonus, having a dog rush in the yard, someone stepping on her foot, etc.

Aggressive tyrant husbands are divided into 2 types: some realize that physical violence is illegal and unnatural, while others consider it a social norm. Naturally, the first category, after outbursts of anger, crumble in prayers for forgiveness, the second does not repent at all of what they have done.

Aggressive tyrants like to drink heavily. Such manic behavior, combined with alcohol intoxication, sooner or later leads to tragic consequences.

It is rare to find only one type of behavior in a husband. Usually all 3 types coexist in a family tyrant.

Is it possible to rehabilitate a tyrant?

Try to build a dialogue with your man
It is almost impossible to change an adult without his desire. Moreover, when we are not talking about bad habits, but about a character trait that has long been formed. It wouldn’t occur to you to transform a thoughtful melancholic person into a sociable and cheerful sanguine person? The situation with despotic habits is the same: they already exist, so you can only try to soften their manifestations.

Reflect on your behavior. Maybe you have recently begun to pull the blanket on yourself and have often ignored your spouse’s wishes? Or did they stop paying attention to him, busy with children, relatives, and gatherings with friends? Or did they make fun of their husband’s too low salary, using their own achievements as an example? In this case, you can try to correct the situation by increasing care for your loved one and see what comes of it. A normal person will quickly come to his senses, a dictator in life will only increase the pressure and try to “bend” you even more.

But remember that the analysis of the situation must be thoughtful and adequate. Under no circumstances should you take all the blame for what is happening! The formulation “it’s all your fault, it’s you who brought me down” is the favorite song of tyrants, but this does not mean that it corresponds to the truth.

Signs of a tyrant husband

Authoritarian men behave extremely politely after meeting each other. They often call, ask how they are feeling, whether their chosen one has eaten, is she not cold, how did she sleep, how is her mood, etc. Usually girls are in awe of such guys, considering them the supermen of our time. They are quite persistent, intelligent, strong in character, charming the fair sex with their charm, charisma and ability to resolve any issues. During the courtship period, truly wonderful times await girls: rose petals, romantic dinners, passion, care, vows of eternal love.

The first symptom that indicates a tyrant man is a quick proposal to marry him. The despot does not want to wait, he needs you, and as soon as possible. He needs power over you; he is ready to go crazy from powerlessness. But know that after the wedding everything will be completely different than during the dating period.

To recognize a tyrant, it is enough to pay attention to his behavior and attitude towards a woman. And there are plenty of characteristic indicators.

So, a tyrant husband, signs:

Rigid frames. Full control over wife and children. Over their behavior, social circle, money, documents, situations, health, time. A tyrant husband makes decisions regarding his family independently, simply presenting others with a fait accompli.
Double standards, systematic nitpicking. It is fundamentally important for a tyrant that all family members fulfill their responsibilities, but he often forgets about his responsibilities (is lazy). Moreover, the wife will receive in full for her gaps, but not the slightest reprimand can be made to him.
Constant instructions to the wife to know her place in the house. “You’re not good at this, you’re a woman,” “Your job is to cook borscht, not to manage the budget,” “Listen to your husband, I’m the one who brings money into the family.”
Obstruction of the wife's attempts to self-actualize. The goal of a tyrant is to make his wife completely dependent on him, both morally and financially. Bans can be placed either in the form of an ultimatum or under the guise of concern for her psychological comfort or health.
Manic jealousy. Either it seems to your husband that the child looks like a neighbor, then you took too long to take out the garbage, then the vegetable seller smiles too sweetly at you, then there are too many male contacts in the phone book... The tyrant sees something that is not there and it is almost impossible to dissuade him of the opposite.
Clipping the spouse’s “wings”, devaluing her achievements. “Did you sell the dress you knitted? You’re just lucky!”, “You were promoted only because Elena Vladimirovna went on maternity leave!”, “Received a second higher education? I wasn’t surprised at all – now such specialists are a dime a dozen.”
Disrespect for others. A woman should pay attention if her man is constantly dissatisfied with everything that is happening. Tyrants tend to blame other people for all the sins of the world (including their own failures), they can unexpectedly get into trouble with a slow cashier, suddenly throw a tantrum in a traffic jam, be rude to a random passerby, etc.
The tyrant is deprived of simple communication skills (he does not know how to ask for a favor, thank him, find words of support, apologize, feel the mood of his interlocutor, empathize).
Demands respect, pity and compassion. The tyrant husband constantly complains about work, a cruel boss, an ununderstanding mother, a stupid waiter, terrible weather, etc. Praise him, respect him, reassure him! If you ignore his lamentations, you risk receiving a portion of discontent addressed to you.
The tyrant enjoys your hysterics and tears and deliberately brings them to your attention. If your husband calms down only after you cry, this should be alarming.
You live with a tyrant if you feel fear, guilt or discomfort in the presence of your husband. This is because criticism, accusations and dissatisfaction are heard in the house more often than words of love and gratitude.

The last clear sign of tyranny is assault. Moreover, beating your wife half to death is not necessary. It becomes a habit to push her, kick her, pinch her, strangle her, slap her in the face or slap her on the back of the head. At this stage, the tyrant husband’s last drops of respect for his wife disappear.

Tyrants are cunning people who cleverly manipulate their victims, playing on their feelings. They perfectly play the role of a caring husband in public, but at home they turn into an insecure, hysterical or even violent man.

Remember, a loving person always believes and supports his partner, shares with him all the successes and failures. Adequate relationships are built on trust, mutual understanding and mutual respect. If your husband thinks otherwise, it’s time to take off your rose-colored glasses.

How to live with a tyrant husband

When staying with a tyrant husband, a woman must be clearly aware of her motives. The wife has 3 options for the development of events: accept the position of “victim”, submitting to her husband in everything, defend her status before the tyrant, gather her courage and run.

We will look at the third option later, but what about living with a tyrant husband? What do we have to do?

Let’s make a reservation right away - both first options sooner or later still end in divorce. The first is initiated by the woman (sooner or later experiencing the need to feel loved and desired), and the second occurs at the request of the husband (the tyrant does not need a self-sufficient and strong personality).

But still, if you decide to stay with your tyrant husband, don’t go with the flow, work on yourself and your relationship:

Know how to abstract yourself from criticism and insults. As soon as the tyrant’s contemptuous speech falls on you, start counting in your head, singing, talking to yourself. Learn to look past. Instead of your husband, imagine horses, the sea, a dress, children.
Raise your own self-esteem. Auto-training is perfect for this. Tell yourself more often about how beautiful you are (charming, wonderful housewife, slim, appetizing). Praise yourself, accept your shortcomings, love all of yourself. Do not let anger into your soul when you hear insults from your husband - do not let him manipulate you. Say in your mind: “Yes, I am overweight, but I have the right to it!” I am alive!".
Look at the situation soberly. You don’t seriously think that humiliation, total control or assault show love? Hide your affection and fond memories of romantic dates for a second. What's left in your soul? Look soberly at your husband - is he ideal? The limit of your dreams? Reliable and caring family man? Love of your life? Reconsider your views more often, this helps you realize who you live with and why you are doing it.
Don't be afraid to show your teeth. Typically, tyrant husbands are cowardly and show their heroism only where they feel fear and defenselessness. But as soon as they see a decisive rebuff, their mood fades. Don’t be afraid to look into the eyes, express strength and steadfastness in your gaze. But be careful. There are cruel and self-confident tyrants who will be angered even more by your threats and determination.

If you live with a tyrant husband, have at hand the number of a helpline, social service or charitable organization that helps women cope with difficult life situations.

The main reasons for tyranny in the family

The origins of family tyranny lie in the psychological characteristics of the individual. The most common reasons why a husband often becomes a tyrant in the family are:

Thirst for power
. Strives for total control and tries to regulate all aspects of life, when only he decides what and how to do to whom, how to behave. Let’s say how a wife should dress, when she needs to come home from work, what she needs to cook. And attempts to resist such dictatorship are suppressed by rude shouts and punishment. For example, a wife may be denied the purchase of a necessary item, and a child, if he has not completed his homework on time, may not be allowed to go out with his peers.
The pleasure of humiliating your loved ones
. This is nothing more than a manifestation of an inferiority complex. If a boy was humiliated and insulted by his parents, they did not allow him to fully realize his childhood fantasies under the pretext that “these are harmful inventions,” all this remained deep in his soul and left its mark on his character. He is formed with low self-esteem and vindictiveness: “When I grow up, I will show you!..” And when his own family appears, he subconsciously realizes his emotions suppressed in childhood on his wife and children. None of those close to you will ever hear a kind word from such a person - neither to themselves, nor to their friends. And relatives, for example, wives, all this and that, there is not a single good person among them. The tyrant husband takes pleasure from such statements, seeing how his loved ones suffer. This is already a serious mental disorder, bordering on sadism.
Jealousy
. The property is natural, but if it goes beyond all permissible boundaries, when it becomes an all-consuming and all-consuming feeling, it turns into its opposite - tyranny. The husband watches literally every step and glance of his wife, her manner of dressing and appearance. It seems to him that she is cheating on him with someone else and is trying to look beautiful for him. This is already a clinic when a jealous person can literally become jealous of a telegraph pole.
Beatings
. An extreme manifestation of despotism, often associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. A person who is unsure of himself often tries to “get rid of” his loved ones with his fists and show his strength. This is how he asserts his authority in the family. Life with such a monster becomes dangerous, and there are often cases when the assault of a monster husband ends sadly for his wife or children.
Material dependence
. When a wife depends on the financial situation of her husband, for example, she earns a little, is on maternity leave or suddenly gets sick, the despot husband begins to “download” his rights, that he supports her, without him she is nothing, etc.

It is important to know! The basis of family despotism, when the honor and dignity of the wife and children is humiliated, is moral immaturity; its reasons lie in the inferiority complex that the tyrant husband in the family has suffered since childhood.

How to deal with a tyrant husband

To live with a tyrant husband, you need to always be on guard. Don’t expect to change your spouse; believe me, not a single woman has managed this. Systematic aggression becomes an integral part of his personality!

To get along with a despot, first of all, contact a good psychologist. With its help, taking into account individual nuances, you will draw up a plan for further action. In the meantime, follow the general recommendations in confronting your tyrant husband.

Do not submit to your husband's unreasonable decisions. Become a strong person who is able to defend your views, desires, and needs. As soon as the tyrant senses weakness, he goes on the offensive. Do not follow the lead if your husband forbids you to see your family and friends. Relatives and friends should be present in your life, whether your spouse wants them or not.

Always take care of yourself. Dress nicely, get manicures, peelings, hair removal, haircuts. You are a beautiful woman who takes pleasure in her own appearance. Just don’t provoke your tyrant husband to jealousy. You do this for yourself, from the bottom of your heart.

Self-actualize, engage in your development. Earn money, save money. Even housewives now have income. Who looks after someone else's child, who works remotely as an operator, who writes texts, sells their services online, embroiders, works as an administrator on social networks. Your goal is to show your husband that you can survive without him.

Use his weaknesses in your own way. Tyrants love to contradict (they just like to make decisions, even stupid ones). Tell him that YOU have decided to spend this weekend at home with him, whether he wants it or not. Reflexively, your husband will begin to protest why you decide everything. No, go somewhere with your girlfriend, don’t annoy him.

If your husband doesn’t like something (the way you clean, cook borscht, smile), stop doing it. To his claims you have the answer: “Then decide what you want. I do the wrong thing, I stopped doing it and the wrong thing again? This will not work!"

Family violence

In fact, there are only two ways out of this situation. You can end all relationships: get a divorce, separate, break off all relationships. Or you can try to save the family, avoid divorce, but be sure to put the fanatic in his place and get rid of the forced position of victim . Professional advice from a psychologist for women whose husband is a tyrant, how to behave with him and avoid attacks, will help overcome difficulties:

Tell your friends and family about the current situation. It is very difficult to resist a manipulator alone. Close people will help you cope with the cruelty of the despot.
Get a job. Financial stability is a serious step towards a free life.
Stop pandering to the satrap's whims. This does not mean that you need to abandon all household chores and responsibilities. You need to stop being a servant. I cooked borscht - let him pour himself a portion, washed clothes - let him put the dried shirts in the wardrobe, wanted vegetables and fruits - let him go to the store, and not his wife carry shopping bags with groceries.
Don't be afraid to fight back. Tyrants are cowards. Any confrontation will frighten them.
Step by step, win your position.
Do not leave attacks from a despot unpunished.
Stop asking for time off. Asking for permission and informing are opposite concepts.
Engage in self-development, be an interesting and self-sufficient person.
Make an appointment with a psychologist. Competent recommendations have never hurt anyone.
Stay balanced, do not raise your voice, especially do not arouse feelings of jealousy and attacks of aggression in your husband. Calm, just calm.

How to protect yourself

To know how to protect and protect yourself from a tyrant husband, you need to consider the situations in which a woman finds herself.

How to protect yourself if a woman stays with her husband

First of all, sign up for a self-defense course. This seems funny from the outside, but in practice it works like a win-win. Learn a few tricks, sometimes this knowledge can save a life.

Leave in time if you see an outburst of aggression in your spouse. Do not react to his provocations, go to another room. Ideally, the room will have a lock or a strong latch. Make sure you always have access to your phone so you can always call for help.

How to protect yourself from a tyrant if a woman is determined to break up

The first thing you need to do is prepare for your new life in advance. Namely, to pick up and hide important documents (passport, child’s birth/marriage certificate, property documents, bank card).

Next, you need to provide yourself with income for the first time. Either get a job (under the pretext of making a personal contribution to the family budget), or collect change from relatives in advance from personal expenses. No electronic savings, cash only.

If you are going to not just leave, but run away from your tyrant husband, you need to know for sure that he will not be home at that moment. Everything should be thought out in advance: the things you will take, the route where you will go. If you have nowhere to go, find out in advance the address of the nearest center that helps women in such situations. If there are beatings, take them off and write a statement against your spouse. There is no time to think.

Do not intersect with your tyrant husband under any pretext. File a divorce only through a lawyer. Beware of moving around the dark city alone - who knows what's in the head of a maddened aggressive man.

Feel free to make your position in the family public. Sometimes this is a great way to protect yourself from domestic violence.

Karpman triangle: victim - tyrant - rescuer

In modern psychology, there is such a thing as the Karpman triangle, where another role is added to the classic “victim-tyrant” scheme - the rescuer. In fact, the “rescuer” is not a separate model of behavior, but a manifestation of the same “victim-tyrant” program, in which the rescuer can be both a tyrant and a victim.

Rescuer syndrome in women:

It manifests itself in the form of excessive maternal instinct, to which pity is added. So the “rescuer” begins to work to the detriment. A woman turns into an over-caring tyrant who overprotects her child/husband/brother/girlfriend and the list goes on and does not allow them to develop independently, learn to find ways out and solve their problems themselves.

Rescuer syndrome in men:

It manifests itself in the role of an excessive protector, to which pity or pride is added. So the “defender-rescuer” begins to work to the detriment. In such cases, the tyrant man acts from the position of “I am superman. I'm the coolest. I know better. I am always right".

Conclusion:

The “rescuer” syndrome in men and women has one basis: “I am ready to save anyone, at any time, just so as not to solve my own problems that I cannot cope with.” This is a manifestation of “victim” behavior.

A woman and a man in the role of a “rescuer” with their excessive care and “kindness” most often suppress a person’s will, not giving him the opportunity to find a way out, perform a feat on himself, reach a new level of strength, open a “second or third wind.”

How to prevent tyranny in your relationship

What to do to prevent a tyrant husband from terrorizing his wife? To do this, you need to analyze and track the cause of aggressive behavior. For example, if attacks of anger are provoked by alcohol, then you need to minimize the feast. Either don’t let the guests go for a long time (wait until your spouse falls asleep first), or avoid communicating with your drunk husband (go to the children’s room, go to bed first, leave the house).

In other words, learn to prevent such problems. Yes, it is very difficult psychologically to live with a tyrant husband, however, if you continue to do this, you probably have reasons for this.

In addition, never be afraid of losing such a man. If the tyrant feels that you are not holding on to him as the last straw in your life, he will be more restrained. But don’t provoke outright conflicts either. If you don't like something, just let him know it and end the quarrel. Repeat a couple of times that you require respect, otherwise you will have to break up.

What not to do

In order not to cultivate tyranny in the family, a woman must understand exactly what she is doing and know exactly what she absolutely cannot do!

You cannot leave violence against yourself unpunished. Even if you decide to forgive your husband, don't do it just like that. Let him achieve your favor! As soon as the tyrant feels impunity, his timid attacks turn into systematic aggressive attacks that will increase at the speed of natural disasters.

You can't cry when you are humiliated. If your character allows you to give a tough rebuff, do not be afraid to answer with a slap in the face for an insult. If you are not so lively, gather all your power into your gaze and disdainfully drill right through the tyrant. That's it, go away, leave your husband alone with your anger.

You cannot provoke your husband to jealousy. Don't think that this way you will arouse his love and passion. On the contrary, in a fit of jealousy, tyrants become real predators, which can result in physical violence against you.

Don't threaten a tyrant with the police. Even if you firmly decide to go and film the beating tomorrow, refrain from sharing these plans with him, otherwise you risk being locked up or beaten even more. Fear pushes weak creatures to act rashly, remember this.

It is forbidden to ridicule, joke, or speak ironically about your spouse, especially in the company of other people.

The Origins of Family Tyranny

Tyrants are not born, so where do they come from? The answer to this question must be sought in the personality of the one who is considered a despot. Our conversation will focus on the tyrant husband in the family, although it often happens that the woman plays the first “despotic” violin in a relationship.

It seems that just recently they were such a loving couple, well, you just can’t spill water, but then suddenly after the wedding he became suspicious and picky towards his other half. And where did love go?! The young wife cannot come to her senses and understand how it happened that the man she loved so dearly suddenly became a monster?

Psychologists consider tyranny as a serious mental disorder - neurosis, which is often a consequence of an inferiority complex that developed in childhood. Let's say the boy was underestimated, but he really wanted to be noticed. The man grew up, got married, but this passion to stand out, to attract attention, remained. But what if he feels insecure among people?

For the time being, an unrealized desire is hidden deep in the soul and suddenly breaks through only in the family, unfolding here in all its “strength and power.” So often a quiet and outwardly modest, decent young man becomes a tyrant in the family.

Psychologist's advice

If you live in the same territory with a tyrant husband, you should learn something:

do not allow yourself to be manipulated (you communicate with whomever you see fit, and should not feel guilty about it);
defend your point of view (otherwise you will not be perceived as an equal member of the family);
know how to resist unfounded claims against you;
become financially independent from the tyrant at any cost;
do not live in memories of past feelings (the past was a deception, your husband will never be the same);
Do not condone assault under any circumstances.

The main advice from psychologists is to love yourself and treat yourself as an individual. Understand, you must make it clear to the tyrant that you are easily ready to get away with disrespect. If you want to check, keep your promise. If you back down, you will never earn a good attitude from your husband.

Tyranny in the home is a real horror for household members. What keeps women close to abusive husbands is known only to themselves. The question is different - how much longer can these fragile shoulders withstand? Is it worth it? What else needs to happen for common sense to prevail? Dear women, never be left alone in the fight against your tyrant husband. You will never win, but you can heal from your wounds for the rest of your life! Find faith, strength and will in yourself, find a loved one you can rely on and, ultimately, change your life! You are worthy of respect, love and affection. With a tyrant you will never know this! Take care of yourself and be happy!