Traps of complexes, or How to stop self-criticism

Psychology of self-flagellation

In psychology, self-criticism or self-flagellation is a negative analysis of one’s own actions and thoughts. Negative attitude towards oneself as a person in general. A person who engages in soul-searching experiences a storm of emotions. Among them are anger, fear, hatred, pain, anxiety. Over time, they do not go away, but only intensify. In the most severe cases, a person blames himself for dissatisfaction with himself. It turns out to be a vicious circle.

Self-criticism and moral self-flagellation have serious consequences. Most often these are depression, neuroses, psychoses. There are times when people seek to harm themselves in some way or decide to commit suicide. Fortunately, this is rare. But life still gets worse. New reasons for self-accusation are being found. In this state, a person can go to the other extreme: try to drown out negative emotions and feelings with the help of alcohol and drugs. In addition, due to his long-term tendency to self-criticism, he develops serious illnesses. Sometimes even doctors cannot determine the cause of their appearance. And everything is banally simple: the “sick” person is corroded from the inside by negative emotions. Self-criticism has nothing to do with healthy criticism. There are two differences between these concepts:

1. Adequate self-analysis helps to find the connection between actions and consequences, draw conclusions, and correct mistakes.
2. Unlike self-flagellation, criticism does not have a negative impact on mental and physical health.

Self-blame often becomes a habit. It becomes so rooted that a person can no longer correctly perceive reality, himself, or what is happening around him. He spends all his resources on remorse, on trying to find another flaw in himself. It turns out that he is eating himself from the inside.

Achievement experience

If a person has already achieved something, then he has healthier and more adequate self-criticism, which does not go to extremes. But there is one condition: the achievement must be meaningful to you. Sometimes people achieve a lot, but continue to remain dissatisfied. This means that they do not understand that the important focus is not on eliminating shortcomings, but on improving their lives.

Such individuals will constantly crave more, not satisfied with what they have achieved.

Therefore, first count the number of achievements, without taking into account their scale. After some time, you will see that the success and amount of positive things is enormous: tens, hundreds, possibly thousands. It turns out that everything is in your hands! When you see your performance, you will like yourself and be satisfied with your actions. And this will invariably lead to even greater growth.

Reasons for self-flagellation

The description of the meaning of the word “self-blame” says that it is often a public accusation of oneself for selfish purposes. The person doesn't want to get advice. He needs pity, justification, consolation.

There is an opinion in society that those who publicly reproach themselves and admit their wrongdoings truly repent of their actions. But what these people really need is an audience. Anyone who really wants to improve will work on their mistakes alone, draw their own conclusions and draw up an action plan. Such a person does not need pity. He “turns on” the strong qualities of his character and confidently moves forward.

The causes of self-flagellation, like other psychological problems, lie in childhood. A child who has not received enough affection, warmth and care from his parents tries to receive them at an older age from the people around him. Only in this case does he use manipulation. Another reason for self-flagellation is considered to be psychological trauma. Imagine a child who was often beaten as a child for doing bad things. The parents explained their behavior by the desire to raise a good person. Or, for example, the baby was often criticized, and then they gave him a little kindness and affection. How will this affect his behavior in the future? A young man or girl will most likely behave in the same way as their mother and father, implementing this model of behavior on family members, friends, and acquaintances.

Self-flagellation is a sure path to self-destruction

Self-flagellation is also a self-incrimination, when even for imperfect actions and deeds a person experiences a feeling of guilt, ascribes to himself the guilt of others or agrees with the suspicion of their commission. The reasons for self-criticism are:

• diffidence;
• inferiority complex;
• underestimation of one's potential and abilities;
• poor adaptation to the external environment;
• fear of reality.

A self-flagellation person can bring himself to “spiritual masochism” - the need to suffer, experience conflicting feelings, even to the point of self-destruction of the individual. And he will spend the rest of his life in severe depression and loneliness, which can then result in binge drinking and serious illness.

Signs of self-criticism

The main symptom of self-flagellation in psychology is considered to be a negative attitude towards oneself. If something bad happens, a person tends to blame only himself. At the same time, he often repeats the following phrases:

1. I am a loser. That's what I need.
2. It couldn’t have happened any other way for naive people like me.

Over time, life becomes bleak. The desire to move forward, develop, and simply do something good for yourself disappears. There are other symptoms:

• all kinds of complexes;
• self-hatred;
• tendency to compare oneself with others;
• depression;
• embarrassment for your life;
• poor appetite or, conversely, constant overeating;
• insomnia;
• desire to change life and lack of readiness to do something;
• non-acceptance of one's appearance;
• constant pity for oneself, for one’s worthless existence.

Interestingly, self-blame manifests itself differently in men and women. The first reproach themselves for financial problems or lack of career growth. The latter are more often dissatisfied with their body and appearance.

How do attacks of self-flagellation occur?

Healthy self-criticism is when a person who has not calculated his strength analyzes the current situation in this way:

• I had difficulty with material that was unfamiliar to me;
• I didn't try hard enough;
• I underestimated the complexity of the problem;
• I had the wrong idea about this situation, etc.

Such reasoning helps him improve, change the course of subsequent events, not repeat such mistakes in the future, and correct his behavior pattern.

It’s another matter when self-criticism becomes a constant, obsession, causing attacks of self-flagellation. These are, for example, the following thoughts:

• I'm a loser;
• I am the worst;
• I am not interesting to anyone;
• I will achieve nothing in life;
• I am the worst employee(s);
• It's all my fault...

Negative statements often cause a sharp deterioration in well-being, a decline in mood from the instillation of negatively colored thoughts.

Unfortunately, this problem affects a huge number of insecure, suspicious people who have a tendency to self-deprecation and self-flagellation. This attitude towards life does not lead to anything good. The more they try to achieve something in life, while constantly blaming themselves for the slightest mistakes, the more difficult it is for such people to achieve any results. Ultimately, instead of feeling satisfied, they feel even more dissatisfied with themselves.

Types of self-flagellation

In psychology, self-criticism is conventionally divided into three types:

1. Demonstrative. The person does not plan to cope with problems, correct mistakes, or change. He needs to play repentance well, to evoke sympathy, pity and, possibly, forgiveness from those around him. In many countries, such behavior is considered a sign of high morality. Therefore, it is not considered something wrong.
2. Introverted. What does self-flagellation mean in this case? It has no external manifestations. A person leaves all his feelings and emotions inside. He is looking for new reasons to blame himself. By any means it supports a bad mood, blues, melancholy. Every mistake becomes a real tragedy and aggravates self-dislike.
3. Neurotic self-flagellation. Over time it becomes a way of life. Leads to serious physical health problems.

The latter type of self-criticism is almost impossible to diagnose in yourself. We need an outside perspective.

Remember the “rule of three questions”

Usually, self-criticism always has a beginning, but does not have a logical conclusion. For example, some particularly suspicious employees are able to worry about a remark from their boss a week ago until they hear the long-awaited approval from the manager, or until a new, stronger reason for worry appears.

Regular implementation of one simple rule will allow you to put an end to these mental tossings. Just fill out three columns on a piece of paper:

1. What did I do? (In it you will describe an event that worries you.)

2. What could I do? (Model the desired behavior in your mind. Imagine what you would say, with what intonation, how you would gesture, etc.).

3. What can I do tomorrow? (What action will you take to correct the current situation? Or maybe you will decide that the best solution is to distract yourself and “go with the flow”?).

Thanks to such simple self-analysis, you will learn to draw useful lessons from troubles every time and clearly measure the real scale of the “incidents” and your inner experiences. It may well turn out that the significance of half of the events that happened to you is greatly exaggerated. And there's really nothing to worry about.

Consequences of self-flagellation

Sometimes it seems that eternal soul-searching is a harmless activity. A responsible person, always striving for the ideal, is very convenient for others. But proud and selfish people are the opposite. However, in reality, as mentioned above, Samoyeds face many serious problems:

1. Dissatisfaction, anger, and depression become permanent character traits. A person pours out negative emotions on others. Throws hysterics, begs for sympathy, treats everything with pessimism.
2. Over time, insomnia develops. Eating disorders may occur, such as compulsive overeating or complete refusal to eat.
3. There is no energy left for development and self-improvement. They go to self-flagellation.
4. It becomes difficult to solve even simple current difficulties.
5. People who engage in self-criticism suffer from low self-esteem. They don't love themselves. And those around them treat them the same way.
6. Vulnerability to manipulators develops.

How to get rid of self-criticism

First, accept the fact that you are tormenting yourself with unjustified accusations. The next step is to determine the reason for this. And only then try to get rid of the tendency to self-flagellation. How to do it?

Have a track record of achievement

If you have achieved goals and successfully completed projects behind you, it is easier for you to stop destroying yourself by self-digging. But this will only happen if these achievements are truly important to you. It happens that people achieve a lot in life, but remain dissatisfied with themselves. It's never enough for them. And this is bad, because it is difficult for them to cope with the feeling of dissatisfaction, to stop the desire to once again reproach themselves for something.

To avoid becoming one of them, take into account absolutely all your achievements. Let them be small and insignificant in your opinion. When there is a result behind you, it is easier to cope with self-criticism, increase self-esteem, and love yourself as a person.

Productive and unproductive self-criticism

You won't be able to stop criticizing yourself completely. Yes, this is not necessary. Healthy criticism helps you see mistakes, analyze them and confidently move on. A person who knows how to criticize himself is a successful person. He can handle any task. Productive criticism is very different from self-flagellation:

1. Precedes some action. Imagine that you need to talk to a stranger about an important topic. But you are afraid to do it. A healthy approach in this case is to mentally call yourself a coward, collect your thoughts, and go talk while you have the opportunity. Self-flagellation in this example will begin if you still do not dare to approach.
2. Criticism teaches you to control your emotions. You can strictly point out to yourself first the shortcomings, and then how to eliminate them. In self-criticism, shortcomings are mentioned again and again. But ways to deal with them are not considered.
3. Adequate criticism will ultimately help you achieve your goal or get what you want. You will experience unprecedented emotions, joy, satisfaction. They will more than cover the negativity that arises when you encounter difficulties.

Constructive criticism and self-flagellation have nothing in common. In the first case, you act, and in the second, you only blame yourself and don’t try to change anything.

Pessimism and self-flagellation

Excessive demands on oneself and a tendency to self-examination are a consequence of a pessimistic mood. A person whose world is painted black blames himself, and sometimes those around him, for this. He becomes immersed in his problems, splashes out bad emotions on others, which greatly spoils relationships.

The only way to get rid of self-criticism in this case is to paint reality in bright colors. Look at the world from a different perspective. Maybe it's not so bad? Increase your self-esteem, limit the flow of negativity pouring on you from the TV screen and the Internet, and develop yourself. All this will help improve your mood and learn to enjoy the little things.

"Artificial Thought Stream"

An effective way to stop self-flagellation. You need to learn to talk to yourself. Yes, you heard right. Think about it, self-criticism is also a dialogue with oneself. Only you blame yourself, reproach yourself for what you did or didn’t do.

The influence of self-blame on personal characteristics

Self-torture stops personal development. Instead of thinking about ways and possibilities for improving the necessary areas of life, a person is fixated on negative aspects.

Many people think that high self-criticism is the road to improvement. But they are wrong. Everything needs moderation. Only moderate criticism of yourself and your actions leads to development. And self-eating will definitely lead to the formation of diseases. It is necessary to feel and respect boundaries!

Advice from psychologists

Simple recommendations will help you cope with an attack of self-criticism and self-doubt:

1. Think first, then do. This will help avoid mistakes.
2. Control your emotions. Made a mistake? Severely reprimand yourself and draw your own conclusions. Don't come back to this situation again.
3. Praise yourself for positive results. Good emotions will override the negative.
4. Accept yourself for who you are. Don't let self-flagellation take root in your mind. Value yourself, don't compare with other people, be confident in your individuality.
5. Fill your free time with positivity. Find an interesting hobby, start reading an exciting book, take a walk in the fresh air. Always keep busy.
6. Reconsider your surroundings. Limit communication with those who constantly complain and grumble. Let there be only optimists and successful people around you.

And one more piece of advice on how not to engage in self-criticism. Plan for the future, don't go back to the past. Self-blame-prone people become fixated on what has already happened. Change direction. Every day make a plan for tomorrow. And in the evenings, analyze what you were able to do. And, of course, praise yourself.

Productive and destructive self-criticism

Anyone who never mentally scolds himself also causes harm. If self-criticism is completely absent, this also has a destructive effect.

Measurement is also needed here. Anger is a natural emotion. In small portions it will tone you up. The same instinctive manifestation is fear. Together they are responsible for survival. The reaction of anger is to fight, and the reaction of fear is to run. Therefore, if you are filled with anger, it will displace fear, and you will “break” obstacles to achieving your goal. And vice versa. Over time, the usual struggle with difficulties is practiced, everything works automatically. In this case, there can be no talk of self-flagellation.

A self-critical person is an individual capable of achieving success. But excessive criticism develops into self-criticism and does not bear fruit.

People with willpower actually use anger and channel it into productive ways. I pushed myself from within and moved further towards the goal. But be sure to ensure that the criticism continues to be fruitful. To do this, observe the following conditions:

• Criticize yourself before taking action, not after. For example, you have a fear of talking with someone, but the topic is important and you need to do it. Shout at yourself: “Get ready, you bastard!” I pulled myself together and talked!” If criticism begins after the act, when you can no longer change what happened, destructive self-flagellation will begin.
• Be strict with yourself, but without hysterics. Don't scold yourself with the worst words. It is enough to confidently say to yourself “I have decided.” To succeed, learn to manage emotions and improve your emotional level of intelligence. Severity is a manifestation of reasonable and timely aggression. Self-torture is a complex of dangerous actions and emotional feelings that are not related to reality.
• When you take an action, the positive emotions you receive subsequently should overcome the preliminary negativity. For example, you didn’t want to achieve any goal, you gave yourself an internal portion of anger, and took an action. This action led to a positive result, the joy from which is much greater than the resulting anger. Believe me, next time it will take much less effort to start doing it.

A self-critical attitude can be expressed both by ostentatious self-flagellation of a person and by constructive criticism. But it is impossible to determine from just one phrase whether a person is crossing the boundaries of introspection or everything is within reason. Situations need to be considered more fully and in context.