When tension grabs you by the throat, and disappointments pour in like a cornucopia, you seriously begin to think that someone has put a curse on you. Day after day goes by like this, but you cannot find a solution to your problems. And then a close friend or family member appears on the horizon and will give you brilliant advice.
This friendly and optimistic person will advise you to give up on problems and go with the flow. But for some reason you still can’t relax, suspecting your friend of immature thinking. Let's talk about whether this simple advice is the best way to get rid of problems? Can the goal you set be achieved if you surrender to the mercy of the turbulent flow of events?
What does it mean to “go with the flow”?
The origin of another similar catchphrase, “come what may,” is attributed to the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. Apparently, the ruler urged his subjects not to waste energy in the fight against the existing social order. The Emperor advised people to accept things as they are.
As if the current of a stormy river could carry you, washing you to the part of the shore that fate has chosen for you. At the same time, you yourself do not decide anything, but simply gratefully accept all future events. Handy advice for a ruler, isn't it? Thousands of dissenting people will never rebel against the system, but will blindly obey all the instructions of “providence.”
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Achieve or go with the flow?
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A 33-year-old young man, a successful entrepreneur, sighs wearily: “The problem is that I’m tired of the race for money, for financial survival and providing for my family. No, I love them, of course. And we have not been poor for a long time. It’s like I can’t stop, I keep running, In fear that I’ll lose everything again.”
Achieving success at 20 is cool. You don't sleep at night, you use every opportunity to earn money and get ahead. You enjoy the feeling that you can buy yourself anything. You can travel. They start to notice you and say - this is a person who achieves success, well done! One of my bosses at a training company called me, a girl, a fighter and set an example for other sales managers: “Yulia never gives up, she overcomes herself and takes action!” Yes, at 20 years old it’s cool to be an achiever.
I took the personal growth trainings with great pleasure. I was lucky and they were truly professionals in their field, and not charlatans. It became easier for me to aim for great achievements and I happily left my comfort zone. I got the feeling that every day should bring results. And if I suddenly wanted to rest, my inner achiever regarded it as laziness. Sitting idle on weekdays just because you're tired? Do you choose to go towards a goal or work for the goals of others? These seemingly true thoughts did not let me relax for a minute. Lying on the couch is not cool.
After several years of this habit of constantly choosing to act and go towards the goal, I was very tired. It’s as if a spring had been tense inside me for many years and now it’s returning to its original state. And without my desire. The body is wise; when you go too hard towards a goal, it makes you ill. In achievement mode, any travel also became a race for places (to visit as many as possible, to see everything on the list). And if, God forbid, on some day the weather was unsuitable and you had to stay in a hotel...Oh, a lost day.
Yes, everything was going well. And suddenly you realize that you are over 30 and you no longer have the amount of energy that you had before. I like to think of it this way: a quantity of energy is a container of water; in youth it is a glass (quickly spilled and just as quickly filled), in maturity it is a jug, then a barrel (you have achieved a certain position in society). You can achieve a lot, do much more useful things than in your youth. But it takes more time to replenish energy.
If you miss the moment of depleting the water in the barrel, you will face apathy, exhaustion and a lot of effort to replenish energy. We don't give ourselves a chance to be inactive and rest. We don't let the keg fill up. We are constantly running.
We arrived at Mount Chimera in Turkey. My friends climbed 1 km up the stairs to see the fires right on the mountain (gas rises from the gorges and creates combustion). I had to stay downstairs with my son, who was sleeping in the car. Damn, I really wanted to go for a walk! This is a must-visit place! Well, since this happened, I definitely have to spend my time usefully. I started reading the book “Flow” by Csikszentmihalyi. And I remembered that those sensations that make up the sum of our life experiences occur precisely in a state of flow. In this state, the goal is not as important as the present moment. I'm here now. It is important. I have a great opportunity to be in silence for at least half an hour! (Parents of small children will understand my delight). The birds are singing, the chickens are cackling, the mule is calling for evening prayer. Such an ordinary life. Such inner silence.
You can only be filled in a state of flow. You just feel like you're alive. Without race and goal setting. I heard that among successful businessmen there is a fashionable trick - to go on sabbatical for six months or a year. They stop working, travel, go to trainings. This is their way of being with themselves. But what if you are a woman with children and forced to work?
There are two states - achievement and flow. Achievement is a goal above all else; you need to go towards it by any means. Flow is activity above purpose. Yes, I want to make money from a new business, but if I keep only banknotes in my head, I will quickly run out of steam. You need something that fills you up. Money by itself does not provide energy.
We set a goal, fixed it and treat it like a finish line. But there is another important idea: life is not a competition and there is no point in trying to finish first. What matters is the state in which you run. You may come running in exhausted and unhappy. Or you can - joyful, inspired. Startups will understand: when you create a new project, you are ready to invest time into it day and night. You don't sleep, you don't eat. And you're happy about it.
Marathon runners have a saying: pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice.
They say that pain occurs for everyone, some after 21 km, some after 30. Pain is inevitable. This is a way to live here and now. But will the runner who spends his energy worrying about this pain make it? If he thinks about what awaits him after the finish (not the most pleasant state for beginners). I don’t know anything about running, but my husband is now preparing to run the marathon in Vienna and I have a certain idea about this sport.
When you raise children, you don't know what he will grow up to be. You can set goals about who your child will be. I once dreamed that I would send my daughter to dance (I don’t have a daughter now). Then I stopped doing this when I realized that he himself would decide the fate of the child. It’s bad when parents begin to build goals for their children’s lives. It’s bad not only for children, but also for parents - when the child grows up, he will express everything he thought about the hated music. We condemn such parents. We ourselves are not like that.
What about our inner child?
“I don’t want to go to work,” he shouts. “I have to,” you say.
Why doesn't he want to? Does he just not want to get up or is he tired of what he does every day?
Because he already hates this job?
The body is wise, it has a mechanism for processing such situations. We get sick. So what are we doing? We take a pill and work (there are goals, we need to go towards them). And what. What if you were a little more attentive to yourself in such moments?
There is an expression - going with the flow. It is usually used in a negative context. Someone does not take active action and surrenders to fate. What if the current leads in the right direction? Then it’s easy to swim, because you don’t need to make an effort, row or turn on the engine. Just float.
But no, the Russian people don’t know how to do that. Even a woman must have an obstacle in the form of a burning hut and horses. The fight is what matters. And achievement fits perfectly into this metaphor: do everything, overcome all problems, you are a hero! It’s just very energy-intensive.
At 20, it's cool to achieve goals.
At 30, it’s cool when you achieve your goals without unnecessary nerves.
It’s cool to be 40 when you have enough energy for your goals.
Shall we continue the list?
The pointlessness of fighting windmills
In modern psychology, there are two completely different interpretations of this phraseological unit. We all understand that there is no point in fighting at windmills. And if we encounter this insurmountable barrier, it would be reasonable to retreat from our original goals. It’s not for nothing that the ancient sages said that an intelligent person will not rise to the occasion. He will stop, think and will definitely find a workaround.
Psychologists do not suggest relying entirely on the notorious current. This technique must be used selectively. For example, why grieve that nature did not endow you with tall height? Can't you find other ways to stand out from the crowd?
Every person faces disappointment
Your parents weren't rich and didn't leave you a million-dollar inheritance? You couldn't afford to study at the most prestigious university? You don't have enough money to buy an apartment in the city you love with all your heart? Probably, all these circumstances could have a depressing effect on your psyche.
However, you need to understand that everyone's life is filled with disappointing events. The rich go bankrupt, students with prestigious diplomas do not work in their field, and the beauty of architecture is not perceived so keenly by us if we see it on a daily basis.
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This is why you shouldn't focus your energy on what you don't have. Take it as a given: there are things that cannot be changed. Just go with the flow. Somewhere around the bend of the river bed, fate has probably prepared some kind of surprise for you. For now, focus on those aspects of existence that are under your control.
Be flexible
That is, do not resist circumstances, do not cling to plans and be ready to change them. While some theories advise setting a destination and purposefully moving towards it, I advise choosing a lifestyle and a vector of development. If you don't see the end goal, you can jump higher than you planned. In this sense, plans are limiting. Flexibility also allows you to make your life path more interesting.
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Six months ago, I didn’t know that I would write a book, become a diver, buy a second apartment and get an American visa. I didn’t plan anything like this - I just reacted to the opportunities that came into my hands. I didn’t literally plan it: for example, in February I put a bonus on deposit and thought that I would remember about it only a year later, but after a couple of months I withdrew the money ahead of schedule because I came across an apartment that I wanted to buy.
The yellow line is life without fixed plans, while jumps “up and down” do not have poles, they are simply different directions. The red line is life as a series of pre-marked events with a definite end point. Yellow is interesting. Red is more reliable and calmer.
What does it mean to choose a vector or a way of life? Globally, everyone has approximately the same vector - self-development with adjustments to personal abilities and hobbies. Some people are more interested in sports. For some - in books, courses, trainings. For some - in science, conferences. Some people have creative hobbies like drawing, dancing, singing.
I don't consider myself successful. I don’t consider it unsuccessful either. I'm fine with my self-esteem. I just don't apply this criterion to myself. I consider myself cheerful, easy-going, versatile, charismatic, smart, stupid, pragmatic, rational, tough, strong-willed, authoritarian. But I don’t think in terms of success. This is not constructive. ⠀⠀ However, before the Saturday webinar “How to be successful if you are not a careerist,” I received many questions about what I mean for myself in the concept of success. For me, success is, perhaps, mass publicity and fame. When your name is pronounced, every second person understands who they are talking about. For me, Mark Zuckerberg is successful. Olga Buzova is successful. Success is not when you are recognized on the street, but when you walk the streets without being recognized. Do you feel the difference? And I am widely known in narrow circles, so what kind of success can we talk about? ⠀⠀ A bit like impostor syndrome, right? To devalue your own achievements? Yes and no. I am aware that for many I am a reference point and a role model. And I can appreciate the path that I have already passed and be proud of the fact that I was born in the provinces, and live in Moscow, bought a second apartment (albeit with a mortgage), manage the largest women's website in the country, travel, work on myself every day and learning something new. That I have 30K subscribers, after all. ⠀⠀ My colleague told a story about how she once was on a train for an interview and, mentally preparing for it, recalled various facts from her life, what she had to go through, what heights she had achieved. He says it hit me. I sat and cried because I was so fucking awesome. ⠀⠀ This, it seems to me, is an accurate characteristic of success. If you yourself can cry from the degree of your greatness. Can you?))) or what is success for you?
Posted by Zen in the City (@joecooker) May 27, 2020 at 11:42 am PDT
One of the qualities inherent in entrepreneurs is the ability to live in a state of uncertainty. When you don’t know exactly what will happen tomorrow, but you are ready for anything and are able to accept all the gifts of fate with a light heart. In a sense, living without plans means trusting your intuition and taking more risks. Be the businessman of your life.
Parable of one who prays but drowns
Now let's look at this situation from a different angle. In religious philosophy, there is a well-known parable about a man who prays but drowns. According to this scripture, the Lord sees everything, observes everything, but never interferes. The process of personal development is important to God.
The situation was like this: a deeply devout Christian refused to leave his home during a flood. This man decided to continue praying in the hope that God would save him. He refused to get into the boat with his fellow villagers, rejected the helicopter and pushed aside a driftwood that was passing by. The water kept rising and rising, and the man continued to pray.
Eventually the devout Christian drowned. When he came to God and asked in bewilderment why he didn’t save him, the Almighty answered: “I gave you three chances, you didn’t use any of them. What kind of help were you expecting?
How can going with the flow lead you to your goal?
What lessons can we learn from this cautionary tale? Sometimes going with the flow and letting go can really help. The hero of the parable was too stubborn and paid for it with his life. But a flexible mind and the ability to adapt to changing circumstances could have saved him.
Each time you accept new game conditions, you have the opportunity to adjust your original plan. It is quite possible that all these edits will be more successful, because they have passed the test of the “current”. This experience is useful because initially we are not able to see all the best opportunities.
You don't have to wake up every day wondering, "What's next?" The next morning you will find yourself in this room again. So why not get outside and explore new possibilities?
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To go with the flow
Photo: Nick Kenrick/www.flickr.com
— Do you think “Living according to the will of God” and “going with the flow” are the same thing, or is there a difference? – I was asked recently.
To be honest, I was even confused by this question. Although, its logic is generally clear: God brought me into this life, and, of course, has a certain plan for me. It would be strange to think that in His plans for me there was only one point - to give me existence, and then, man, go into the world and spin around there as you know. No, of course, God has a plan for each of us. But there is also our freedom. If we fail to see the will of God in our lives, we will begin to live contrary to this good plan, with corresponding sad consequences. If we can, we will live with God, and this life will be meaningful and happy for us. It would seem that everything is simple.
But! Indeed, how will such “getting” into the Divine Plan differ from swimming with the flow? Everything about you has already been thought out and decided in advance; your job is just not to resist the Divine will. Float through life like a log, sway on a slow wave, wait until it takes you out into the blue sea of eternity.
Photo: Jenny Arnez/www.flickr.com
It's kind of a sad picture. It is not more similar to Christianity, but rather to the fatalism of the Stoics, who believed that fate leads those who want, and drags those who do not want.
But then I remembered the story of our famous traveler, Father Fyodor Konyukhov. In this race, the priest had a rival - a French athlete, a very strong young guy. It was not easy to compete with him. But Father Fedor was much more experienced and knew something that his opponent did not know about.
The fact is that the ocean has currents similar to rivers. You can’t see them; in appearance, there is the same ocean there as around. But in reality, the water in this place is constantly moving in one direction at high speed. And all the currents on this route were known to Fedor Konyukhov. At the start, the Frenchman immediately rushed forward, and the priest slowly began to look for such an “underwater river.” And when he found it, she carried him forward. Father Fedor said: “Soon I caught up with my opponent. That young, strong one rows so that only the oars flicker. And I walk past and only paddle a little so as not to lose the current. He was probably surprised: how can a Russian racer’s boat float on its own? But the secret is simple: it was his first time on this route, and I had already sailed here fifteen times before. Thus experience conquered strength.”
Photo: Cayetana/www.flickr.com
This story suggested the answer to a question that initially puzzled me. Yes, we can say that living according to the will of God is the same as going with the flow. But in this case the current should be considered not as a river one, but as an ocean one. There is not only one there, like in the river. There are many of them in the ocean. And you can cross the ocean on a sailing or rowing ship only if you understand them well. If you find one that takes you in the right direction, consider half the job done; all that remains is to make sure you don’t “fall out” of it, so as not to fall into standing water, or into a stream that can take you in a completely different direction.
Photo: Colin Knowles/www.flickr.com
I think that the Lord has determined such a course in our lives for each of us. Well, the guiding signs marking him among the endless waters of life are the commandments of the Gospel. The Monk Mark the Ascetic said: “The commandments do not eradicate sin: this is the work of the single Cross of the Lord. They only preserve the limits of the freedom given to us.” Living according to the commandments, we remain in the good course of God's plan for us. But such a life requires certain efforts from a person. Therefore, following the will of God in Christianity does not at all mean some kind of passive stay. Our work is to choose this trend among many others, enter it, and carefully monitor so as not to find ourselves outside of it. The Lord will do the rest.
