How to become a responsible person: practical advice

Responsibility: why is it important?

In the modern world, many people, unfortunately, absolutely do not want to grow up. Having reached adulthood or a later age, they still continue to sit on the neck of their parents, the state, or even their spouse - husband or wife. They play computer games, spend time on the Internet or in bad company on the street and completely forget that their role in life is also to find a decent job, receive a good salary and provide for their family.

Only a responsible person can achieve the above goals and become a respected and in all respects worthy person. A responsible person understands that in each individual situation he has a huge variety of choices, knows how to make decisions and knows that his life time is limited. Such an individual values every free minute, tries to use it to his advantage and never shifts responsibility for his actions, feelings and thoughts to other people or circumstances. He does not blame others for his failures and mistakes and knows that in order to change something, he must start with himself and change himself.

Let's return to Frankl, who, by the way, developed an entire theory dedicated to the meaning of life and responsibility, calling it logotherapy (from the Greek "logos", which means "meaning"). According to the famous Austrian doctor, responsibility is what life itself confronts a person and what many of us try to avoid. He often compared responsibility to an abyss, very deep and frightening, but at the same time very majestic.

A prominent psychologist notes that our future and the future of other people depend entirely on us. After all, every second only we make a choice and make a separate decision, realize or, conversely, miss the opportunity available at a given moment in time. And not only our behavior, but also the behavior and attitude of others towards us depends on what decision we make.

How to teach a child responsibility?

You can follow the same tactics to create responsibility in both teenagers and primary school children.

Psychologists recommend following these tips:

First of all, it is important to understand that growing up and independence is a long process that cannot be taught at once. But you can create a supportive environment for your children, based on a natural attachment to their parents and a sense of security, and then their independence skills will gradually develop and become stronger. [1]
Draw on your child's zone of proximal development [2] to teach him to be more independent. This zone includes skills and abilities that the child cannot yet use on his own, only with the help of his parents. For example, he can’t cook breakfast himself yet, but if his parents cut the stove and light the stove, he can handle the cooking. In the process of joint activities, children master skills and get used to independent actions.

The whole process of growing up happens this way: the parent does something instead of the child - when the child is ready, the parent does something with the child - when the child masters the skill, the parent steps aside, but is ready to help.

Let's give an example:

Mom wants her son to learn how to assemble the briefcase himself:

Stage 1. Mom collects a briefcase with her son.

Stage 2. Mom watches how her son collects his briefcase and sometimes gives him hints.

Stage 3. The skill has been mastered, the boy assembles the briefcase on his own, but knows that he can turn to his mother for help.

Of course, all children have their own time frame for mastering a skill, which depends on the complexity of the actions and individual characteristics. But if a child cannot do something even with the help of adults, then most likely he is not yet ready to master this skill.

3. Keep in mind that in the process of teaching responsibility, children may experience recessions and setbacks. Children may refuse to do what they already know because they are too tired, experiencing a crisis, or simply want to feel cared for and feel safe. For example, a preschooler may ask to be dressed or fed. And at such moments, it is important for children to feel that they can rely on you and trust you. Be there to lend a shoulder in time.

What should we do if we made mistakes while growing up? How to instill responsibility in a teenager in this case?

About overly responsible people

But there is another extreme - excessive responsibility, which, by the way, is characteristic of quite a lot of people. For example, it often affects individuals with a shy character. Individuals who lack self-confidence and have low self-esteem often project their fears into the future. For example, they are often afraid to call or take the first step before meeting an interesting person, because they are pre-set to refuse and think that the potential interlocutor will not communicate with them due to being busy, unwilling to build relationships and communicate with them. Thus, they take responsibility for the feelings, thoughts and actions of other people in advance, thereby programming themselves for failure.

If we talk about excessive responsibility in general, then at its core, it is actually the same as irresponsible behavior, since a person thinks about others, but stops thinking about himself, taking care of himself and his needs.

Guide for Parents of Teenagers: 5 Steps

So, your 11-year-old child came to you for advice. This situation is very important, because your actions determine how he will treat your words, advice and requests in the future.

“Dad (Mom), I need your advice.” The next 30 minutes will determine the quality of your communication with your child for many years to come. And if you do everything right, you can teach him self-reliance and independence.

Step 1: Listen.

Do not try to say anything or immediately judge without understanding the situation. Even if it seems stupid or pointless to you, listen to the end. It is very important not to interrupt the child, not to express your dissatisfaction, not to point out his stupidity. If a child does not feel involved in his problem, he will instantly close down. And it’s not a fact that next time he’ll come up for advice. On the contrary, be sure that he will not come for advice.

Therefore, listen completely, and only then say what you think about the situation.

Step 2: Recommend

This is your opportunity to pass on worldly wisdom to your child. Tell me what you would do in the situation. And be sure to use the phrase “I recommend...”.

It is “I recommend”, and not “you should”, “do this” and other variants of pointing advice. You must show your child the direction in which he needs to think and act. It is important that the child understands your arguments and takes them into account.

Under no circumstances should you try to convince a child using parental authority. By doing this, you will reduce his own importance and significantly reduce the chances of successfully resolving the problem.

Step 3: Give permission to act

After you have expressed your opinion, you must make sure to emphasize that this is your opinion. And the child has the right to do as he sees fit. Help him overcome his self-doubt.

He can do it your way or not. And it is important here not to interfere with his actions. He asked for advice - you gave it. All his further actions are his personal responsibility. He needs to understand this. After all, you must admit that you yourself do not always listen to the advice of other people.

It is possible and necessary to intervene only if the child’s actions may pose a threat to his health or life. In any other case, responsibility for the decision should lie entirely with the child.

Step 4. Support

After the child has taken certain steps towards solving the problem, you need to support him.

If the problem is successfully resolved (regardless of whether the child followed your advice), you need to praise his wisdom and express your pride to him. Don’t be shy to tell him that he did a great job - this is very important for a child’s self-esteem.

Step 5: Analyze

If for some reason he did something wrong, it is important not to criticize his actions. Everyone can make mistakes. In this case, you need to support him and try to understand the situation - what exactly was done wrong.

“Let's figure out why this happened.” This phrase begins the analysis of the child’s actions. At the same time, try to let the child think about the situation himself and draw conclusions. You only need to direct the course of his thoughts.

It is also necessary to gently point out what points were not taken into account when making decisions. And most importantly, we need to draw conclusions so as not to repeat similar mistakes in the future. Teach him to overcome his fear of future mistakes.

This is one of the most important stages. If you miss it, the child will step on the same rake over and over again, making the same mistakes.

Regardless of the result, you need to praise the child for his independence. After all, he made a decision and dealt with its consequences. This is already worthy of praise.

This simple and understandable scheme will allow you to help resolve any life situation without putting pressure on your child. Firstly, he will learn to make decisions on his own. Secondly, it will maintain trust in you as a person who can always help.

Take advantage and let your relationship with your children be based on trust and mutual understanding.

How to become more responsible?

Those who want to get rid of excessive responsibility and control can recommend reading two books: Henry Cloud - “Barriers” and Susan Jeffers - “Be Afraid, but Act!” In the first of the proposed works, it is well explained what exactly we ourselves are responsible for, and what other people are responsible for. In particular, we are responsible to others and to ourselves . The book will also teach you how to set personal boundaries, make the right choice despite the manipulations and emerging feelings of your interlocutor, say “No” in various life situations, etc.

The second book is a popular bestseller from a specialist in the field of positive psychology. Studying this creation, by the way, will be very helpful for those people who suffer from shyness, indecisiveness and various fears.

And now, more specific recommendations:

Take responsibility for your life. In other words, realize that in any given situation you have thousands of possibilities and choices. But you make this choice yourself, not anyone else.

Remember the finitude of our lives. Appreciate every free minute and do not forget that at every single moment you also make a choice. Some decisions lift you up, others bring you down.

Try not to shift responsibility to others or external circumstances. Many people often attribute failures to an unhappy childhood, psychological trauma, and blame others (parents, spouses, etc.). This is an unconstructive position. To become more responsible, you need to gradually remove yourself from the place of a child and take the position of an adult who is responsible for everything in his life.

In relationships with other people, share responsibility in half. Remember that any relationship (business, personal, etc.) must be equal. Equal responsibility does not mean that your companion, business partner or manager should behave in the same way as you. This means that each of us has his own burdens and responsibilities that he must fulfill properly. You are responsible only for your own side and do not invade someone else’s territory.

Get rid of the Inner Talker , which Susan Jeffers writes about in her book. The Inner Talker is the monologue that you conduct with yourself, preventing you from overcoming your fears and taking responsibility for what is happening. In other words, this is negative thinking and it needs to be gradually replaced with positive thinking.

Learn to say “No” to the people around you. Start small, for example by turning away salespeople in stores. When saying “No” to your interlocutor, it is important to remember that your interlocutor may have negative feelings - anger, resentment, etc. They can be used as manipulation to get you to agree with the persuader. Therefore, despite them, stand firm in your position. For example, if you break up a relationship with a man who is not suitable for you, do not make contact. A person needs to experience the bitterness of loss, pain is a manifestation of love for him, since it passes over time.

Don't be afraid to take responsibility. Expand your comfort zone. Start with small tasks, then move on to larger ones. For example, sign up for training courses and get a new profession. Take on a new work order and complete the assigned task “100 percent”. All this will help you build your self-confidence.

Keep a diary. In it, note both victories and mistakes that you should pay attention to next time so as not to make the wrong choice. Review your notes regularly so you don't forget what you once did.

Formulate your life goals and begin to consistently achieve them. Take responsibility for formulating these goals. There is a separate article on the correct setting of goals on our website.

Realize the benefits that dissolute behavior and irresponsibility give you. This is a difficult point to implement, but very important. Many people do not understand that it is beneficial for them to remain small children, get sick, or avoid something, because... Such behavior attracts a lot of attention towards oneself, sympathy and support. Over time, you must learn to act and make your own decisions, regardless of whether others approve of them or are negative about them.

Author: Vitaly Lebedev

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Key words:1Psychoregulation

Child development

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Recommendations on how to teach a teenager to be independent and responsible for their actions

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As a child enters adolescence, parents tend to worry about how to satisfy their need for independence and at the same time provide them with comprehensive security. It is difficult to find a middle ground in this matter, and fear about the well-being of the teenager often takes over. On the other hand, all parents want their child to become an independent adult in the future.

Teenager and independence

A teenager needs more independence than before. You will see this need even in his simple daily activities. At this difficult age, the child learns more about adult life and what responsibility is. It is also at this time that he is most prone to taking unnecessary risks. Maintaining a balance between independence and safety is a difficult task, because teenagers focus only on independence.

Love and support your teenager

This is the most important thing you can do for him. At this age, children are often ashamed of physical expressions of parental love, especially in the presence of other people. But there are many other ways to show love and care:

Take an interest in your child's activities and friends.
Show interest in his hobbies and interests.
Be a good listener.
Tell your child that you love him often.
Always consider the teenager's opinion.
Don't judge or evaluate.
Don't make fun of him in front of other people.

By following these tips, you will make your child more confident and happy. In turn, he will become much more responsible.

Respect your teenager's emotions and needs

A teenager is not yet an adult, but this does not mean that his opinion should not be taken into account. It is important to understand that in adolescence, emotions and psyche are not yet formed and are very chaotic. The teenager is often embarrassed, angry and anxious. This is completely normal and a natural part of growing up. Your task is to show your child your respect and full support:

Always show respect to your child by listening to what he has to say.
As often as possible, give your child the opportunity to feel valued and listen to his opinion.

This is a good way to establish communication. He will feel loved and respected. And your communication will be more confidential.

Talk confidentially with your teenager about personal topics

A teenager needs personal space. Any little thing may seem to him like a violation of his personal boundaries. During adolescence, it is important for parents to set the teenager the limits of what is permitted:

A good way to show a child what is expected of him in the family is to establish family rules. It is important that you are honest and set the rules wisely. For example, it is normal to require a teenager to return home at 9-10 o'clock in the evening, but to require him to be home by 7 o'clock is too strict.
A teenager learns a lot about sex from friends, peers and the Internet. This information is not always correct, so it is worth talking openly about this topic with your teenager. Speak confidently without being shy. Understand that you are his main source of correct, verified information, so be open to communication. If you feel uncomfortable talking about this topic, ask your spouse about it.
Talk to your child about sex, but emphasize to him that you do not approve of sexual intercourse at an early age. Teach your teen about contraceptive methods, the negative consequences of early pregnancy, and how to protect themselves from sexual abuse.
Be sure to tell your teenager about the dangers of drugs. If a child really wants to try alcohol, invite him to have a party at home with friends and allow him to drink alcohol in small quantities. Make sure everyone at the party comes with their parents' permission.

Understand that a teenager is no longer a child

Many parents believe that a teenager is still a child, but not everyone around him agrees with this opinion. Tell your teenager that the first step towards independence is to understand that he is no longer a child. And you shouldn’t expect people to be as lenient with him as they would with a small child.
Tell your teen that he needs to act like an adult if he wants people to take him seriously. Tell us what adults do in this or that situation.

Teenager and responsibility for actions

When a teenager takes responsibility for his actions and words, he becomes more independent. Explain to him that it is always necessary to be responsible for his actions. People willingly interact with responsible people who can defend their point of view.
Tell your teen that it is okay to make mistakes as they grow and learn. Teach him to admit his mistakes and rejoice at the right decisions. Also teach to be as honest as possible and admit wrong decisions.

Show your teen how to earn the trust of others

If you want your teenager to become independent, help him earn the trust of people. As soon as others see that the teenager can be trusted, they will give him the opportunity to make his own decisions.
Teach your child to adhere to the established rules, always tell his parents where he is, and listen to his elders.

Household responsibilities are an integral part of independence

Independence not only means freedom, but also things like duties and responsibilities. Tell your teen that he is old enough to do at least basic chores around the house. Let him help you as much as possible and do some things.
In carrying out household chores, a teenager can turn to you for help, but he must take the initiative. He is already old enough to cook dinner for the whole family, take care of plants, and buy groceries.

Teach your teenager to cook

The skill of preparing various dishes will be useful not only for girls. If a teenager learns to cook, he will become more independent and less dependent on others.
Together with your child, find interesting recipes on the Internet and cook them at home. You can organize days of foreign cuisine and try original dishes, and at the same time learn more about the culture and customs of other countries.

Teach your child to set life priorities correctly

Gaining independence, the child must learn to distinguish the important from the secondary, as well as correctly set priorities. Explain to your child that there are things that you should focus on and others that you can do in your free time.
Your teen should understand that some things may seem urgent, but they can be put off. And vice versa: he may put off important things because they seem too difficult.
Help your teen make a daily to-do list. Invite him to put things in order of importance, starting with the most urgent. Tell me where he is setting his priorities wrong.

Teach your child to take care of his own safety

As a teenager becomes more independent, parents often fear for their safety. Send your teenager to a self-defense class. When he knows how to protect himself in dangerous situations, he will not be so afraid to show independence.
Explain to your child that it is always necessary to take care of his own safety, regardless of how confident he is in his abilities. He should not walk in dangerous places or go for a walk with people with whom he does not feel safe.
Teach your teen not to get into elevators with strangers or go to parties with strangers.

A teenager should know who to contact in a situation of danger

The child should memorize telephone numbers that he can call in dangerous situations or when he needs help.
The teenager should know the address of the nearest police station and hospital and how to quickly get there if necessary.

When your child is going through the challenges of adolescence, it's difficult for you too. But adolescence is a good time to share your worries with him. This will let him know how much you love him and how much you care about him. This way he will become more responsible and begin to take care of his own safety.

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Ways to Take Responsibility

Those wishing to learn to take responsibility are advised to act in two directions:

Accept the responsibility given. Show initiative and find commitments on your own.

The first path is passive, the second involves activity, but they both develop a skill and ability.

In case of accepting the responsibility provided, a person needs to force himself to complete the task through an effort of will, to overcome reluctance, laziness, timidity and fears. Don't think of it as a hopeless situation.

A responsible situation affecting a person arises on its own or on the initiative of another person and should be perceived as a necessity.

For example, by systematically performing household chores on time and in the required form, a person will learn to bear responsibility for the actions taken. Just as parents teach small children to put away scattered toys, so an adult learns to do homework on his own, motivating himself with the need to maintain cleanliness and order.

By independently creating conditions in which a person takes responsibility, he accelerates the development of his personality. In this case, he gives himself a task, carries it out and is responsible for the result. He artificially creates and models a situation of responsibility and learns to act in it, controls his emotions and desires, and motivates himself.