What is better: constantly quarreling with your husband over money - or learning to find a compromise? Of course, the second thing is, but you also need to learn to avoid quarrels and compromise. Why is it so difficult for two adults to come to a decision that suits everyone?
In a compromise there are no winners or losers. You don't get everything you want, but you also sacrifice a little.
Eight-year-old boys and girls know this very well. Eight-year-old children are generally very logical. Once we met with a group of such children and said: “We are doctors. We help your moms and dads solve some of their problems and stop fighting with each other. And we would like to ask you for advice.”
“Okay,” the children decided that our request was absolutely natural.
“We have one couple who constantly fights about money. He thinks she spends too much and is terribly angry with her. But she wants to enjoy life, spend money and not live for the future. Therefore, she is also angry with him. How should they be?”
Instantly a child's hand rose. And the girl with the pigtails said, “They need to save a little and spend a little. To find a compromise".
All. The children solved the problem.
What is meant by a conflict situation?
A conflict situation is a lack of agreement between the parties, arising due to opposing values, interests, judgments and goals of the parties.
It is generally accepted that a conflict is necessarily accompanied by open opposition from its participants, quarrels, negative emotions, etc. But this is not always the case. The process of solving a problem and its outcome depend on the correctly chosen strategy of behavior.
Family life and compromise
Do not think that the ability to find a compromise is a necessity only when negotiating with business partners. This quality is also valuable in everyday life. Raising children, family life, relationships with parents or friends - all these areas of life require a modern person to be able to find a compromise. This is one of the most civilized ways to avoid conflict. Otherwise, quarrels and scandals at the everyday level are inevitable. If you thoroughly master the art of reaching a compromise, you can be sure that the relationship will remain intact and intact.
Let's give an example. There are two children in the family, and every night the parents read fairy tales to them. However, a dispute constantly arises between the kids over what kind of fairy tale will be told this time. Instead of arguing every night, parents can encourage kids to take turns naming the stories they would like to hear. Thus, you can not only find a solution that would suit both, but also turn the choice into an interesting game.
Examples of conflict resolution
To better understand how each strategy works, let's look at them using specific examples.
Compromise
This strategy involves resolving conflict situations through mutual concessions from both parties. Each participant in the conflict makes concessions, sacrificing some of his own interests in exchange for the concessions of the other, in order to ultimately come to a common solution that will suit both of them.
The compromise strategy is usually chosen in situations where there is a goal to reach an agreement in a conflict, but in such a way that each party wins at least something, when the conflicting parties recognize each other’s interests and values and want the outcome of the conflict to be as objective as possible.
The use of compromise is justified if the parties to the conflict have mutually exclusive interests and are in equal conditions. Often this method is used as the last opportunity to resolve a controversial situation while preserving the relationship.
Example: A husband wants his wife to cook dinner every day. And my wife says that she gets tired after work, especially since she also has to wash the dishes. Then the spouses find a compromise solution: the wife cooks and the husband washes the dishes.
Cooperation
The cooperation strategy involves the longest and most detailed study of a controversial issue. Resolving a conflict situation is not the main goal here; the most important thing is to satisfy the interests of each participant in the dispute and develop a mutually beneficial long-term solution to the problem.
Cooperation will be justified and effective if the resolution of the conflict is equally important for all its participants, they are interested in maintaining good long-term relations with each other and are ready to clearly formulate the essence of their claims and interests, listen (the main thing is to hear) the opponent.
The cooperation strategy is ideal for resolving conflict situations with loved ones and relatives, as it involves long and repeated negotiations between the parties.
Collaboration often feels like compromise. The strategies are similar because they can only be used if both parties are interested in resolving the conflict and maintaining the relationship. The key difference between the strategies is that a compromise is achieved at a superficial level and the parties to the conflict are not necessarily in a long-term relationship, but cooperation involves a deeper study of the controversial issue; the conflicting parties, as a rule, are in close and long-term relationships, and therefore are interested in a long-term solution to the issue .
For example , a family with children came to relax at the seaside. On one of the days of rest, the husband and children wanted to spend time actively, so they suggested going to the water park. On the contrary, my wife planned to lie on the beach and sunbathe. Then the husband and wife discuss the current situation and decide to go to the water park with the whole family, because there are slides for active recreation and sun loungers to lie on. As a result, the issue was resolved, each participant in the conflict satisfied their interests.
Device
This model of exiting a conflict situation is most often formed in early childhood. You can identify it using the online test “How your parents raised you as a child.”
Adaptation is a way of smoothing out or resolving a conflict when one of its participants, sacrificing their interests and opinions, yields to another participant, accepting his version of solving the problem.
This strategy is used when:
· the outcome of the conflict is extremely important for the opponent, but at the same time the yielding side “loses almost nothing”;
· maintaining good relationships is more important than standing up for being right;
· the yielding party chooses an adaptation in order to ultimately achieve a resolution of the conflict in its favor in a roundabout way;
· during a dispute, the yielding party realizes that the opponent is truly right;
· the opponent has more power.
Adaptive behavior is justified if the conflict is not that significant, but the disagreements that arise can ruin the relationship. That is, making concessions or losing in a conflict will help maintain relationships with your opponent, which in a particular situation is much more important than defending your position.
If the conflict is serious and greatly violates personal boundaries or affects your life values, then the adaptation will be ineffective, because the opponent will decide that everything is in order and will violate the boundaries again next time. Such a situation may ultimately result in an even more serious conflict, since the dissatisfaction you have accumulated will sooner or later burst out, or will remain “with you” as passive aggression.
Example strategy : you have a rule that you don’t let anyone wear your clothes. A friend came to visit and accidentally spilled coffee on her T-shirt. You love your friend very much and, of course, you will help her out and, as an exception, let her wear your T-shirt.
Convenient woman, who is she?
Rivalry
A person who chooses a strategy of competition in a conflict situation is determined to defeat his opponent no matter what.
Typically, rivalry involves open conflict, when its participants try to prove to each other that they are right, resorting to pressure, raised voices, often insults, or even the use of physical force.
The reasons for this method of conflict resolution may be: protecting life and health, defending personal boundaries when they are violated, a constant desire for leadership in everything, bad manners, and self-centeredness.
Rivalry is unjustified when you are trying to prove that you are right, regardless of the situation and the importance of maintaining a good relationship with your opponent. In conflict situations with close relatives or friends, with children and spouses who are very significant to us, the strategy of competition will fail.
There are situations in life when competition is a necessary strategy of behavior. It should be used if the life and health (yours or those close to you) are in danger, your personal boundaries are severely violated, or your opponent, as they say, simply “does not understand in a good way.” The strategy is also justified in cases where it is necessary to protect someone from physical or moral violence, or unjustified rash acts.
Do you want to witness the conflict from a competitive position? You just need to go to a public place. Although, unfortunately, most often it is in clinics, shops and public catering places that such conflicts are unjustified, and indicate bad manners and emotional licentiousness of those in conflict.
An example of using a strategy : the neighbors listen to music loudly after 23-00, and you are getting ready for bed. In this situation, your neighbors are violating your personal boundaries, so the best thing to do is to go down to the floor below and remind you that night has fallen. Often this is enough. But sometimes the violators, nodding their heads, 10 minutes later again disturb the neighbors’ peace at night. In this case, it would be best to first warn, and if this does not help, call the police.
Avoidance
This strategy involves leaving, self-elimination, and removing oneself from a conflict situation.
Avoidance of conflict can be expressed both physically - leaving, running away, hanging up the phone, and emotionally - silence, ignoring the topic of conversation, trying to start a conversation on another topic.
Thus, a person does not try to adapt, come to a common decision, or go into open conflict. The reason for this behavior can be both self-doubt and lack of motivation, energy or time to clarify the situation.
If a conflict situation directly affects your interests, then avoidance is not an appropriate way to solve the problem. Yes, you will save your nerve cells and time, but then the conflict will remain unresolved and will only get worse, or it will be resolved, but without your participation, and therefore without taking into account your opinion.
The avoidance strategy is good in situations where the conflict does not directly affect your interests at the moment; whether it is resolved or not does not matter much to you.
The situation with neighbors is also suitable as an example Let’s say this is not the first time your neighbors have turned on music this late, and you know that after about an hour they usually turn it off. And just in the next hour you are not going to sleep, and the noise does not interfere with your business. The best option would be not to waste your strength and avoid a possible conflict.
How to choose a strategy?
Of the five strategies listed above, it is impossible to single out one that will be the only correct one.
The choice of behavior strategy in a conflict depends on several factors.
1. The essence of the conflict . When a conflict arises, you need to ask yourself the question: is this situation . Is it really so important that I need to get into an argument or try to negotiate? Which behavior in a particular situation will be more effective? If it turns out that clarifying a controversial issue does not affect your interests, the best course of action would be to avoid the conflict.
2. Interest of the parties . If you understand that it is important for you to clarify the situation and an evasion strategy will not work, you need to understand how interested your opponent is in resolving the conflict. If this is just as important for him, you can start negotiations, that is, choose a strategy of cooperation or compromise.
3. The significance of the relationship with the opponent. When choosing a strategy for behavior in a conflict, you need to understand how important it is to maintain further good relations with your opponent. If maintaining the relationship is important, then, depending on the situation, you can choose cooperation, compromise or accommodation. If it is vitally important to defend your rightness, regardless of further relationships, then competition will be the most suitable strategy.
4. Own psychological attitude . There are situations when it is necessary to resolve a conflict situation, but there is neither moral strength nor desire to do so. In this case, the best option would be evasion or adaptation. This way, you will give yourself time to rest and recover so that later you can return to resolving the conflict with renewed vigor.
How to survive a crisis in a close relationship.
What is compromise?
First you need to find out the meaning of the term itself. To do this, we suggest taking a look at the explanatory dictionary of the Russian language. If you believe what is written there, then a compromise is an agreement between two parties, which is based on concessions beneficial to each of them. Thus, in order to resolve a complex, controversial situation, it is necessary to find common points of contact through which the parties can come to an agreement, and each of them will receive some benefit for themselves.
Conflict situations with loved ones
Family and friends are the closest people, relationships with whom play an important role in our lives. Therefore, when disagreements arise, it is important to maintain good relationships with these people. Rivalry in such conflicts will be inappropriate. The most correct decision would be to compromise or start negotiations and satisfy the interests of all parties.
In some situations, it is better to remain silent, avoid a showdown (often the problem resolves itself), or choose an accommodation when the outcome of the conflict is extremely important for a loved one.
An environmental quarrel or how to resolve a conflict peacefully.
Compromise in business negotiations. What is it for?
If we talk about business, then it’s impossible to do without understanding how to reach a compromise. After all, negotiations with business partners in this area are commonplace. And often both partners are determined to have their terms accepted, which at the same time do not suit the counterparty. Therefore, the task of the opposite side is to mitigate such conditions. This could be, for example, price, delivery time, working conditions, manufacturing features. In general, everything that is the object of these negotiations. Thus, both parties are trying to find conditions that would suit them and provide the opportunity for further mutually beneficial cooperation. Therefore, cases where the result of business negotiations is a compromise is common practice. You could even call it the purpose of business negotiations.
Conflict situations at work
During the work process, colleagues often have misunderstandings both on work-related issues and as a result of personal disagreements.
Employee - employee
In conflict situations with colleagues of your rank, any of five strategies will be suitable, depending on the situation. But still, rivalry is best used as a last resort. If disagreements relate to work issues, it would be wiser to negotiate with your opponent to come to a compromise solution. It is important to express your point of view, since you and your opponent are on equal terms. Evasion and adaptation in most matters will not be justified.
To avoid conflicts related to personal relationships, it is important to remember that during working hours you need to primarily focus on fulfilling your duties, leaving personal communication for a while after work. Of course, personal communication is necessary, and it will be present in any case. But gossip and conversations on too personal topics should not be supported.
Psychological model of conflict
In my experience, people who resist compromise don't need more pressure to compromise. But instead they must support their resistance. In short, the psychological solution is the exact opposite of the compromise solution—we need support to make our resistance to compromise and reward less pleasant.
“Every day for the last ten years I have centered my schedule around other people and what they want. I'm tired of this! "Further resolving this conflict would mean helping me be less willing to meet at times that don't really work for me, and helping you be less willing to meet at times when you're not sure I'll show up on time. The psychological solution is the exact opposite of the compromise solution - we need support to make our resistance to compromise and encouragement less pleasant.
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