If such a person is a distant relative, friend or neighbor, you can simply stop communicating with him. But avoiding communication with him at work can be quite difficult.
What to do in this case: allow a toxic colleague to poison your life with impunity, refuse to communicate with him and thereby create a conflict situation in the team, or take extreme measures and quit?
Anna Serebryannaya, a psychologist and cognitive behavioral therapist at the Alvian Center for Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy in Moscow, will help solve this problem .
Toxic people are always negative, like to gossip, criticize and control others. Such people never doubt that they are right, therefore they do not accept any criticism. They are able to play the victim, and when the opportunity arises, they can lie. As a rule, toxic people are impolite, tactless, and often lose control of themselves.
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Toxic people tend to ignite intense emotions and passions around themselves, they seek to manipulate others and use others to satisfy their needs. They are characterized by jealousy, envy, belittling the merits and merits of other people, as well as constant complaints about their “hard lot.” In fact, such people themselves often suffer greatly from some psychological difficulties, but at the same time they flatly refuse to admit their problems and solve them with the help of qualified specialists.
Working next to a toxic colleague is difficult and unpleasant. Such a person always tries to involve others in his problems, so colleagues unwittingly become part of the mechanism that promotes the behavior of a toxic person. In order to successfully coexist next to a manipulative colleague, you need to understand and, if possible, control your contribution to his behavior. To do this, you need to follow several rules.
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Rule No. 1: boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries
The most important and best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to set your own boundaries and protect them. This will be difficult because for a toxic person, regardless of the nature of his behavior (it can be aggressive or whiny), the boundaries of others are unacceptable and very annoying. A toxic colleague will certainly try to invade your personal space, and, most likely, he will do this repeatedly and in a rude manner. But to successfully coexist and communicate with a problematic colleague, you need to clearly define these boundaries.
The concept of “boundaries” refers not only to emotional boundaries (polite treatment and respect for the feelings of others), but also physical boundaries, since toxic people often encroach on the time, health and physical strength of others. So-called “I statements” can help with this: for example, “When you say ..., I think/feel ..., so I won’t do anymore ....” In other cases, you need to learn to give such a colleague a tough rebuff and simply say a firm no.
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What is conflict behavior
Conflict is a clash between people due to differences in views, interests, goals, perceptions that arise in the process of social interaction. Simply put, a situation where several people or groups have different views and cannot come to an agreement.
Conflict behavior is the manifestation in emotions, conversation and actions of a negative reaction to a conflict situation. This behavior is a consequence of conflict.
Conflicts do not arise out of the blue; from root causes to resolution, they go through as many as 5 phases:
- The prelude to conflict includes all the factors due to which conflict may arise. Lack of mutual understanding, differences in interests, culture, religion, education - all this contributes to the emergence of conflict.
- Triggering event. Conflict does not arise by itself. There must be an event that provokes it.
- The initiation phase is actually the period when the conflict has already begun. Inflexibility in opinion, verbal disagreements - all these are warning signals indicating that the conflict has already begun.
- The differentiation phase begins when people express their grievances and show dissatisfaction to each other. At this stage, the causes of the conflict are raised.
- Resolution phase. People should try to compromise and resolve the conflict. At this stage, various options for resolving the conflict are considered.
Rule #2: Stay above it
Toxic people are great at getting under the skin of others, but if you take a closer look at them and listen to what they say, you can understand that their logic and their behavior are actually irrational. By getting emotionally involved with a toxic colleague, you are ruining your chances of winning. But if you feel above it, both emotionally and mentally, you can prevail. When forced to communicate with a toxic colleague, try to take an observant position, as if you were writing a detective story about this person, but do not get involved in arguments or showdowns in which he is trying to drag you into.
Rule #3: Be aware of and accept your emotions
Toxic people often play on a certain combination of feelings: first they cause a storm of unpleasant emotions in people (for example, anger or fear), and then, before the person has time to come to his senses, they blame or ridicule him for these feelings and thereby cause a new wave of emotions, now there is shame and guilt. Remember that it is impossible to make a person ashamed of something that he himself is not actually ashamed of. Therefore, recognize and accept the emotions that a toxic colleague evokes in you - such emotions are absolutely normal, and you have every right to experience them. In this case, you will not only be able to get out of the vicious circle described above, but you will also be able to more easily maintain your distance from a toxic colleague.
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Rule #4: Choose your battles wisely
A malicious colleague will constantly provoke you into a quarrel, showdown, or confrontation with other employees. Most often, in such cases, the best strategy will be neutrality: just nod back and smile, but do everything your way. But if you still think that you need to get into an argument or showdown, be sure to take a time out and think carefully about your strategy. This will be your trump card: toxic people rarely think about their words and actions because they are completely at the mercy of their emotional experiences.
How can you behave in conflict?
The basic rules of behavior in conflicts consist of five behavior strategies:
- Adapt. According to this method, one side of the disagreement adjusts to the other. That is, although a person has a different opinion on a certain issue, he does not express it, for fear of ruining the relationship or being misunderstood.
- To avoid. Perhaps, among the entire list that contains rules of behavior in conflicts, this is the most common method. Participants in misunderstandings avoid a conflict situation by letting everything take its course or pretending that nothing happened.
- To find a compromise. A compromise is a solution that will be acceptable to both parties, as it will to some extent satisfy their interests.
- Rival. The subjects of the conflict take active positions and try to prove their opinion to the other side, opposing other opinions.
- Cooperate. With this solution, the parties find a method that will help achieve the goals of both parties. For example, achieving the goals of one of the participants in a disagreement will help the other realize his plans, so he helps the opponent.
Rule #5: Focus on solutions, not problems
If you had to do some work together with such a colleague, try to adjust your behavior. If you start focusing on your problematic relationship with a toxic colleague, trying to understand him or find an approach to him, you will fall into a trap because it is impossible to solve these problems. Instead, focus on solving work problems and think about how to complete the project on which you are forced to collaborate with the least emotional, physical and time losses. Such thoughts will lead you to the desired result much faster.
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Constructive conflict, its features and example
Depending on the degree of impact on the team, conflicts at work can be constructive or destructive. It is extremely important for managers to understand what type of confrontation is brewing in the team. Perhaps it is time to take decisive action to resolve the current situation. However, sometimes such interaction between people is useful. In many companies, there is constructive conflict among employees. It can even be artificially stimulated.
Constructive conflict is also called functional conflict. He is able to develop relationships between participants in the confrontation, which leads to informed decisions. Finding a way out of such a situation is achieved by making a decision that suits both parties. Each participant feels that his interests are satisfied. At the same time, employees, feeling their involvement in this, will perform the task assigned to them effectively. When solving problematic issues, opponents gain the skill of proper cooperation. Subsequently, people begin to understand each other more, treating the other side with respect.
Disagreement does not lead to negative consequences. Good relations arise between opponents. They work effectively towards a common goal.
The most common example of constructive conflict is a situation when a misunderstanding arises between a subordinate and a manager regarding some work issue. As a result, both parties express their point of view on the current situation, which makes it possible to find a compromise. As a result, the relationship between boss and subordinate is significantly improved, and work is completed as quickly and easily as possible.
Rule #6: Be Formal
Attempts to communicate or cooperate with a toxic colleague in a human way always lead to failure, because such a person understands human communication only as beneficial for himself, and not as a polite and mutually beneficial relationship. In a work team, compliance with formalities will help solve this problem. Even if no one else in the office follows these formalities, discover the laws/regulations/decrees/contracts and act on them in a completely formal manner. This approach will create a serious obstacle to the interventions of toxic people.
Rule #7: Ask other employees for support.
If there is a toxic employee in the team, then working with or next to him will inevitably unsettle you from time to time. At such moments, you should not withdraw into yourself and scold yourself for failure, but you should also not use the tactics of a toxic colleague, i.e. gossip or provoke others to emotions. Try to reach out to someone close to you for support, tell them what happened and talk about how you are feeling. This will help you distance yourself from the situation and find a solution that is beneficial for yourself.
Types of conflicts
There are several classifications of conflicts (psychologists love to sort everything into categories). We will present two main ones and consider how to act in the realities of an online store.
Interpersonal conflict
The most common type of conflict in which a person and... a person collide . These could be two of your employees who do not share the client or simply have different worldviews. Or you yourself with some employee - it doesn’t matter. In this battle, two characters, two personality types, two souls with their own beliefs and habits come together.
Examples of conflicts. You hired a new manager and were surprised to notice that he had already made an enemy - another manager, more experienced. It's simple: two strong salespeople cannot divide the territory. An experienced person is afraid that a newcomer will take away his clients and, in general, he is right to be afraid. The newcomer eagerly got to work and shows every chance of becoming a leader. So what should we do?
A less dramatic example. Two employees are sitting in the same office. One is accustomed to cleanliness and carefully cleans his workplace. The other is a cheerful goof who is always in a mess. It is clear that these two will not find a common language and will constantly quarrel over cleanliness.
And now about you. Imagine that you hired an employee and set him a fixed salary. He worked for some time and was dissatisfied: it’s time to raise the boss! You are categorically against it: let it work better, then we’ll talk. But he has his own truth: it is impossible to live on such a salary, and he still has to feed his family. And who is right?
How to resolve the conflict? Obviously, you need to choose the third way - namely, to lead the person to constructive behavior . For example, in the first case, clearly divide the base between managers so that no one is offended. Hold a corporate event or training to bring the team together. The second example is even simpler - set a duty schedule in the offices and monitor compliance with the rules. Motivate those who have especially distinguished themselves: give pleasant trinkets and sweet gifts. Well, if it comes to you, offer the employee a real task: let him show himself in full force, and then you will consider the option of raising his salary.
Conflict between individual and group
This is a confrontation between one person and the rest of the team. Who is this person - a black sheep, a rebel-saboteur, or maybe a cruel tyrant boss? There can be many options - and there are also several culprits in the conflict.
Examples of conflicts. Let's take an employee first - you have a dude unlike any other in your quiet lamp department. Maybe he's a nerd, or maybe he's a punk rocker - it doesn't matter. The main thing is that everyone else sensed a stranger and is eager to deal with him - morally, of course. They organized a boycott of him or sophisticatedly mock him, weave intrigues - well, you know how employees survive those they don’t like. Or maybe the white crow is you? Have you joined an online store as a partner or manager and are faced with a lack of understanding from the team?
How to resolve the conflict? In the first case, it is very subtle and soft. If you openly take the side of an offended employee, the rest of the team may not like it. If you, along with everyone else, happily bully a newbie, we won’t even write how unprofessional it is. What to do? You will be surprised, but the same proven methods of team building help a lot . It’s also good to unite people with one goal - for example, start developing the company’s mission together. During the development process, unobtrusively indicate that no intrigues or office wars are now allowed in your team. Well, nothing prevents you from talking to the outcast - who knows, maybe this weirdo himself is behaving incorrectly. You are a leader, you better know the peculiarities of the psychological climate in the team. Explain what he is doing wrong and how to find the key to each colleague.
If you play the role of an outcast, oh, long and painstaking work awaits you. You will have to inspire confidence in the new team and show your business and personal qualities. Under no circumstances should you flirt with your subordinates, don’t play at being your boyfriend—just do your job well and open up as a person—again, in moderation.
Intergroup conflict
It occurs in relatively large organizations - entire departments can quarrel . For example, the advertising department and content specialists, couriers and dispatchers - all those whose professional interests may intersect. But even several groups of 2-3 people, united by personal interests, can greatly ruin the life of the boss.
Examples of conflicts. The advertising department demands money to carry out advertising campaigns - but the accounting department is against it. The first ones are sure: contextual advertising and targeting in social networks can bring more profit to the business. But financiers can also understand: it’s scary to invest money in a risky enterprise, what if it doesn’t work out? And it begins: sidelong glances, gossip, jokes and reproaches...
’s even worse when a team has a saboteur-provocateur who skillfully manipulates people and creates warring factions. These can be either two warring groups of people of equal strength, or several groups fighting against their superiors. In any case, conflicts like acid corrode the team from the inside.
How to resolve the conflict? Decisively intervene and stop the outrage. Offer a constructive solution or at least a compromise that will suit everyone. In the latter case, it is also necessary to neutralize the provocateur, take the sting out of him, so that he does not continue his subversive activities in the future.
