This article will talk about unhealthy egoism, which causes inconvenience to people around the child, but first of all to the child himself, although he does not realize it.
We are talking about egoism, in which the child is interested in and participates only in those processes that are beneficial to him and relate exclusively to his personality. He perceives the rest of the people around as a tool to satisfy his personal needs, in other words, as service personnel, and not as individuals who also have their own interests and their own lives. But the problem is not that the child grows up so complex, the main difficulty is that most often one of the parents positions himself in the role of an ideal service personnel, so the child has no choice but to become selfish and take advantage of everything. There is another extreme, when parents are selfish and too busy with their lives, problems, personal relationships, etc., in this case the child simply copies this behavior and, like parents, transmits selfishness to the outside world.
A caring daughter and a selfish son?
“Mom, I don’t want her to give me these gifts!”, “Mom, I don’t want her to protect me! I can do it myself!”, “Let her not interfere with me!”
Initially, in these words of my son, I heard only selfishness, an inability to appreciate my sister’s care, indifference to her, and, in general, his lack of empathy. But at some point I realized that I was trying to squeeze the child into the framework of a scheme that was completely unsuitable for him - neither in age nor in essence.
My children are still small, they are brother and sister, and not some wise old spouses who tenderly care for each other. Their job is to play, to unite against me when circumstances require it, to rat each other out, to yell, and so on. This is what it means to be children.
The son does not need his sister to protect him; he can easily cope on his own. He cannot be forced to feel grateful for help in cases where he did not ask for it. In general, we need to leave him alone, he doesn’t owe anything to me or his sister, he has the right to his feelings towards her.
The main thing is to provide him with a separate room where he will have the opportunity to feel his territorial boundaries. This was the main problem, it had to be solved as soon as possible, and not punish him for not complying with my schemes.
What about the daughter?
“Mommy, why is he like this? I gave him an eraser (candy, toy), but he told me that he didn’t need all this, he didn’t ask for it! Why is he doing this to me? I always defend him when he’s scolded, but he!” - “Daughter, my dear! What a tender, responsive heart you have! I know what you mean! How unpleasant it is for you now!”
At first, this is exactly how I saw this situation: the daughter is kind and sympathetic, and the son is a blockhead who values nothing and is incapable of gratitude. But after hearing my son, I saw the situation differently. By supporting my daughter in her unsolicited care, I was raising a victim who, as an adult, would strangle those who received this honor with her “sacrificial” and essentially tyrannical care, and then complain that she was not appreciated.
I raised a woman who would not be able to respect the boundaries of another person, who would “know better” what the other person needed. And if a person is able to repel the onslaught, she will feel misunderstood and rejected in her best aspirations.
So, take two: “Mommy, why is he like that? Why didn’t he appreciate it, didn’t accept me, why did he drive me away?” - “Daughter, he has the right to this! He doesn't want you to take care of him, he doesn't want you to. Understand? Leave him and mind your own business."
Why does a child grow up selfish?
The reasons for the formation of children's egoism are adults and their actions. Oddly enough, it is the environment that makes a child selfish. First of all, those people who have been close to you since birth - father and mother. Less often, the older generation—grandfathers and grandmothers.
One can object here. After all, there is a theory according to which a person is not born a blank slate. He already carries certain inclinations and habits. This is true, but the role of innate qualities should not be exaggerated. All habits and traits can be eradicated. This is a matter of education. Therefore, the reason must be sought in adults. What exactly can lead to problems.
Overprotectiveness
When they literally choke you with care. They decide what can be done and when. Guardianship is really needed, but in moderation. Otherwise, problems and personality distortions begin. The will is lost, the ability to take initiative independently is lost. A paradoxical situation arises: an egoist can be the king and god in the family, the object of adoration of the parents. But he doesn’t know at all what to do outside of natural, comfortable conditions. Such dissonances do not add to mental health. Therefore, overprotected children are prone to personality disorders. Mostly narcissistic or passive-aggressive. There may be a dependent disorder that is entirely built on pretense and parasitism on others.
Blind love"
It differs from overprotection in meaning and essence. Overprotective parents may not love their child. In this case, the young man is clearly made to understand that he is the meaning of life for his father or, more often, his mother. Such a painful, abnormal situation in itself causes a distortion in consciousness. A person gets used to adoration and demands the same from the whole world. As a rule, this does not bode well. Meeting reality leads to strong dissonance between what is in the family and what is outside the home. This can be sobering, but more often it leads to mental problems and bitterness.
Insufficient attention to your child
A diametrically opposite situation. Parents do not pay enough attention to their children. The basic need for safety and acceptance is violated. Hence the attempts to attract attention, to get what was not given through defiant behavior. We are not always talking about real selfishness. This may be a defensive reaction to the negative attitude of loved ones. It is also better to discuss the issue with a psychologist.
Negative example
A self-centered parent who is fixated on himself is unlikely to raise anyone other than an egoist. A child, especially in the first few years of life, actively learns behavioral patterns. He adopts most of his habits from those closest to him. From parents, grandparents. It's rare that the opposite happens. By the age of 6, the contours of the personality are approximately ready. But you can still influence the situation. If upbringing in a negative way continues, the parents themselves do not respect anyone and do not take into account the interests of others, everything will remain the same and will only become more entrenched in the character of the offspring.
Constant quarrels in the family
Like lack of attention, basic safety needs are undermined. In this case, two scenarios are possible.
First, the child will begin to demand what is not given to him by any means. Manipulations and whims will be used. This is a defensive reaction. But if this pattern of behavior is repeated regularly, it becomes a habit. Becomes part of the personality. Such people simply do not know how to interact with the world differently. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are developing. It can be adjusted under the supervision of a doctor. Even in adulthood.
The second possible scenario is also defensive. But the compensation is different - withdrawal into oneself, complete indifference to people, the desire not to stand out. This is how people with schizoid personality disorder are formed. There is practically no cure for it. The same situation provokes different scenarios. The likelihood of one or another scenario depends on the innate predisposition.
Artificial development of negative character traits
Encouraging correct behavior with money and gifts. If you do this all the time, it won't end well.
Impact of the external environment
The role of this factor is seriously exaggerated. It is at least strange to consider the computer, the Internet and television to be the culprits. Children are quite capable of setting priorities. How parents act is much more important than some fictional characters and virtual people. At least this is true in the first 5-8 years of life. Then it all depends on what the parents put into their child and what kind of upbringing it has received up to this point.
Jealousy
Selfishness manifests itself especially strongly when a brother or sister is born into the family. The same applies to the appearance of an adopted child. And even more so, since there may not be time to adapt. For example, when a non-newborn is adopted and the age difference is minimal. This can become an impetus for accentuation of narcissistic traits.
If a child is selfish, the reasons must be looked for in ourselves. Adults cripple the psyche of children. They also instill negative traits.
When mom feels like a victim
Another childhood saying that put my head back in place.
Son: “Mom, have you noticed that I have stopped asking you for gifts for the last year? I’m not asking you to take me to theaters or concerts? It's because I feel sorry for you. I understand how hard it is for you to earn money, and I don’t want to burden you even more.”
Me: “Son, how extraordinary and caring you are, how pleased I am to hear this now!” Amazing, right? She herself was moved to tears from tenderness and pride in herself. What a son I raised for myself, how he takes care of me, what an adult he is already and what a reliable support he will be in his old age!
Yes, that’s the whole point: too old, too old for his age. It's not normal for a child to say that. It’s not normal for him to take such “compassionate” care of his mother, to actually take on the role of her husband. And it’s not normal for a daughter to not be her brother’s sister, but actually his mother. But the real mother here is a poor, unhappy creature who needs to be protected by her young children.
Of course, this only happened at my instigation, when I, feeling like a victim, tortured by my own children, constantly, although not directly, broadcast: “How difficult it is to be a mother!”, thereby manipulating them, wanting to achieve pity and condescension.
This is how we fill children with suitcases with their cockroaches.
Causes of selfishness in a child
Selfishness first appears in a child at the age of 2-4 years. The baby requires the constant presence of the mother and the fulfillment of all his desires. Demands that loved ones obey their will. It is impossible to come to an agreement with such a child. If his wish is not fulfilled, then there will definitely be tears, scandal and hysteria.
- Overprotection of loved ones and excessive attention are the main factors in the development of selfishness in a child. In the overwhelming majority of cases, selfishness manifests itself most clearly in the only child in the family. He is used to being the center of the universe for his loved ones. The whole world revolves around the baby and gradually he gets used to this situation. By school age, a child begins to realize that his interests should be above all else.
- Lack of attention also provokes the emergence of childish egoism. A child needs parental participation in his life. If parents simply buy an expensive toy, thinking that it will make their son or daughter happy, then they are deeply mistaken. It will not replace participation in the child's life. This attitude strengthens children's egoism, and can also cause the development of isolation, shyness, self-doubt and failure in life.
- Copying parents' behavior. Children growing up in a family consider their parents to be an important example for themselves. If adults are selfish and always put themselves first, then the child will adhere to the same position.
Children learn to manipulate... from their parents
The situations in which the children and I used various manipulation techniques can be listed endlessly; I think they are known to all parents. It is clear that one of the most important reasons why children resort to manipulation is that they do not receive our attention and love, but nevertheless, even this does not mean that we need to give in to their pressure.
Screams, whims, the pose of an aggressor, the pose of a victim - all this was in our arsenal, and they “mirrored” almost all of this from me.
My son, without checking how hot the soup is, grabs a spoonful, gets burned and curses me for all he knows - it warmed me up too much.
My daughter spilled buckwheat porridge from the plate onto the floor and said to me: “You shouldn’t have fed me buckwheat!” This is one of my favorites! Spilled buckwheat porridge is, of course, nonsense, but then such a person, accustomed to blaming others, when he becomes an adult, will not be able to take responsibility for his own life. He will continue to blame his parents and “traumatic” childhood situations for everything, and will remain a small child for the rest of his life.
For balance, I need to give an example of my manipulations. “Who laid out the toys on the carpet here? I tripped and almost fell!”, “Oh, how painful! Who put the pots here in such a way (although, it seems, it was I who, in a hurry, put them here) that they all fall out of the cupboard?!” But no one is to blame but me, I and only I am responsible for everything that happens to me.
I began to monitor such situations and my reaction. I stopped screaming in search of someone to blame, and after a while, figuratively speaking, buckwheat porridge and plates of hot borscht stopped flying at me.
And after some time, my son told me: “Mom, you came up with these rules (meaning our system with emoticons) because you love us, right? After all, they protect us?
And my seven-year-old daughter asked me: “Mom, how did you manage to become so calm? I want that too. Every day I can’t stand it and raise my voice at you, and then I feel so sad.”
She also noticed that I stopped being offended, that is, manipulating. That's how it works. You simply stop participating in the manipulations, without teaching others anything, and gradually the situation around you builds up on its own. My daughter noticed a change in me and started asking questions. This indicated that very profound changes began to occur in our little world.
How to re-educate an egoist, is it even possible to do this?
The most effective way to eradicate the problem is up to 6-7 years. It is much more difficult to do this later. Because the “backbone” of the personality has already been formed. The cut-off period is 12-13 years.
It is best to work under the supervision of a competent child psychologist who will direct efforts in the right direction. The effect will come faster. There are several main methods of behavior correction.
- Discipline
To re-educate a selfish child, you need to instill discipline in him. As a rule, selfishness goes hand in hand with laziness and lack of will. This needs to be eradicated as quickly as possible. At first, you will have to force someone to do something that you don’t want to do at all. Put away toys, wash hands, eat on your own, do homework. Gradually, discipline will become a habit. It is important to be persistent and not give up.
- Volitional influence
A parent must learn to say “no.” No matter how hard it may seem. By showing weakness and pliability, a mother or father loses the respect of their child. Of course, there is no need to go to extremes either. It is appropriate to show will only in fundamentally important cases. Whether to buy something or not, to do it as the child wants, etc. But there is absolutely no point in denying what is important for life or meeting important needs. In food, safety, etc.
- Adequate assessment of abilities and personality
You can’t over-praise, but it’s also forbidden not to praise. It is important to find a middle ground.
- Eliminate inappropriate ways of showing love and affection
There is no need to show your son or daughter that you are giving them your last. Or, especially since you are putting your life on the altar. This will cause an inappropriate reaction. The child will judge: since they are making such sacrifices for me, apparently I am very important. Since I'm so important, everyone should do the same.
- Need to communicate more with your son or daughter
And in such a way as to lead to a full-fledged conversation. Ask questions that don't require a one-word answer. You need to be interested in the child’s life and take an active part in the conversation. Express your own opinion. Try to avoid negativity and belittling other people.
- It would be a good idea to use special methods
Fairytale therapy has proven itself well. You need to fight selfishness using this method under the supervision of a psychologist. In the wrong hands, this method will only make the situation worse. The methodology is based on the perception of artistic material. In this case - fairy tales. Through associating himself with the hero of the story, the young man learns correct behavior. Draws correct conclusions and assimilates norms through specific and illustrative examples.
- You can overcome childhood selfishness in the initial stages through pet therapy
It is enough to have a pet. Easy to care for. Turtles, guinea pigs, etc. are suitable. You need to entrust the care of the new tenant to a child. Selfish people are incapable of caring for anyone. Sometimes even about themselves. Therefore, such a measure will help develop responsibility. Teaches you to think about others. First, using the example of animals, then, willy-nilly, after some time, a person will begin to extrapolate this attitude to everyone else.
- It is necessary to minimize information noise
Under normal conditions, television programs have little effect on behavior. If there is a correct example of parents and older generation of relatives. But for an egoist with distorted patterns of human behavior, inappropriate games can be harmful. We need to act “on all fronts.” In addition to the internal environment, the external environment is also changing. It is important to monitor what your child watches and what he plays. Offer programs, films, cartoons, and games that are useful from a therapeutic point of view.
Recommendations for education are directly based on the question discussed earlier: why children grow up to be selfish. If you exclude all negative factors and start correction as early as possible, the chances of turning the situation around are high.
I'm so angry at you that I would hit you
Another situation. It arose when I became able to see what was happening from a different angle.
Day off, Saturday. I announce to the children that today I will go alone to visit a friend who lives outside the city. Previously, I always took them with me, but this time I decided to go alone. After a heavy pause, the daughter drops the incredible: “I’m so angry with you right now that I would hit you!”
If I had heard these words from her six months earlier, they would have hurt me incredibly. How so! The daughter I love, for whom I do so much, wants to hit me?! These words would have placed another heavy weight on the cup of my guilt.
What kind of mother am I if, instead of spending the weekend with the children, I’m going to run away somewhere! After all, they already see me little on weekdays, so at least the weekends should be dedicated to them. I would begin to think through options for how to take them with me, despite the fact that my friend was not at all eager to see them.
But six months ago, my daughter would not have said such a thing, because I was not able to accept her negative feelings, especially such harsh ones. And now she allowed herself to talk about what she really felt.
That's the first thing I thought of when I heard her words. And they... made me happy! I realized what a serious step forward we had taken towards a healthy relationship. In response, I stroked her head and said, “I understand.”
The son said: “But mom is not obligated to take us with her at all...” I was shocked again. This one actually drove into such a “steppe” that it’s hard to imagine. And he seems to be speaking sincerely. He really learned to recognize the right of another person - even his mother - to his own life.
That evening, before I returned from visiting, he baked pancakes, made tea and fell asleep in the chair. With incredible tenderness, I slightly woke up this giant and helped him move to bed.
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How to deal with selfishness
Selfishness is a controversial topic today.
Many books have been written about narcissism, for example, “Generation Me,” and even the concept of “healthy” selfishness has appeared. But it is very unpleasant when the person you are constantly dealing with thinks only about himself and is focused only on his needs. But what to do if you yourself are accused of selfishness, and especially if you understand that it is deserved? First, let's define the concept. The two main characteristics of selfishness are:
- Excessive interest solely in one's own needs.
- Indifference to the needs and feelings of others.
If someone is both self-absorbed and uninterested in other people, they are likely to only be responsive to you if you have something to offer them. In order not to experience problems from communicating with selfish people, you need to take this into account and the 4 more tips below.
Tell us about ways to solve problems
Be sure to inform your child how to behave in line, give and receive, and care for others. You should not immediately solve your baby’s problems, since he will get used to doing nothing, but only counting on help. Wait until the child begins to take some action on his own. And if necessary, tactfully correct them.
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Read children's books
Children's literature teaches a child kindness and compassion; it develops empathy and sensitivity to other people's problems. Therefore, parents are recommended to read books with their child, and then discuss the characters, analyze their actions and empathize with those characters who are in trouble.
It will be great if you adapt these images to reality and find ways to effectively help.
Practice gratitude
Teach your child to say “thank you” for everything they do for him. Gratitude should be shown not only to strangers as a sign of gratitude and as a way to show your good manners. Let your baby thank you for every useful action. And you, in turn, thank him, let gratitude be included in the list of his habits.
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