No matter what society thinks about women, they also know how to be friends and even better than men. A woman simply needs friends who will always listen to her, understand and reassure her. But real female friendships are often penetrated by a feeling of envy, which can divide and quarrel even the most faithful friends. Probably, every representative of the fair sex thought that her best friend was superior to her in everything: her figure was thinner, her clothes were more fashionable, and her boyfriend was more romantic. How can you stop being jealous of your friend and not ruin your relationship with her?
Why are people envious?
Before talking about female envy, we should understand what kind of psychological phenomenon this is - envy? Why does it occur, and can it be overcome?
Even in ancient times, Democritus said that “envy creates discord among people.” So this is a destructive beginning in human relationships. For example, two people have been friends since school. For one, everything he does comes out easily. The student is lazy, doesn’t like to study, but is called to the blackboard and answers in such a way that the teacher sets an example. And another person spends the whole evening poring over a problem, but cannot find a solution.
And, for example, a friend’s envy arises that “everything is so easy for her, but I can’t do it.” It’s good if envy is not black, from which, as the Tajik poet Nuriddin Jami (1414–1492) noted, “can blind the mind.” For example, an envious person, out of jealousy, does dirty tricks on a friend, can slander him behind his back, but when they meet, he smiles affectionately and confesses his friendship.
Such envy is condemned by the Church and is considered a sin. In Orthodoxy it is equated with pride. Tame your pride, only then can you be considered a true person. This is one of the main ideas of Christian doctrine.
In contrast to “black” envy, there is “white” envy. When they sincerely rejoice at the successes of others, without wishing any nasty things on them. Let’s say it could be pride in one’s state when the country’s team wins medals at some sporting competition.
Psychologists believe that envy is inherent in people, and consider it as a psychological phenomenon that carries a destructive principle. After all, envious people often want to possess what does not belong to them. This is in material terms, but in spiritual terms - they are simply not able to possess what nature did not give them. For example, outstanding physical or mental abilities.
In her work Envy and Gratitude, psychoanalyst Melanie Klein (1882-1960) notes: “An envious person feels bad at the sight of pleasure. He feels good only when others suffer. Therefore, all attempts to satisfy envy are futile.” Since there is always a reason to be jealous of the success of another. After all, apples in someone else's garden are always tastier than in your own.
The German sociologist Helmut Schöck (1922-1993) comprehensively explored all aspects of envy in his work “Envy: A Theory of Social Behavior.” In its development, this negative feeling goes through three stages. It starts with rivalry - who is the best, then there is annoyance that he (she) succeeds, but I don’t.
At the last stage, the understanding comes that you need to admit your “defeat”. And black envy appears, slander begins against one’s friend, which, as a rule, leads to a break in relations.
Envy is reflected in literature. Soviet writer Yuri Olesha, in his novel “Envy,” wrote about the destructive beginning of this feeling in Soviet society. The novel by the English writer L. Hartley “Justice is Present” is dedicated to this not the best quality.
A lot of bad things have been said about envy, but the Nobel laureate in literature, public figure and philosopher Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) stood up for it, saying that it is “the foundation of democracy” and drives the progress of society.
It is important to know! Envy is a disgusting property of the soul, often leading to hatred, intrigues and treachery. That's why she was always condemned by society.
Marathon “Five Antidotes for Envy”
The thoughtful reader now realizes that envy is not such a harmless human manifestation and has many negative (and sometimes unobvious and long-lasting) consequences.
My task through this section is not only to highlight the disease, but also to offer a way out.
In the case of envy, the best prevention and treatment is to take my practical marathon “Five Antidotes for Envy,” which you can subscribe to right now.
In this marathon, every day for a week I share special practices to work on the mentality of envy.
The main reasons for girlfriend envy
Envy between friends is a common manifestation of women's feelings.
If only because every woman wants to look “no worse than others.” Let’s say a friend has an elegant dress, I want one too. It’s good if this does not affect friendly communication. Otherwise, it is a sign of growing alienation leading to a complete cessation of the relationship. Signs of a friend's envy can be different, not all of them characterize the envious woman from the bad side. Let's take a closer look at what factors lead to envy. These could be:
- Successful family
. Everything is going well with my friend: a caring husband, children doing well at school or college. There is complete prosperity in family life. There is something to envy, especially if your personal life is not very good. It’s good when, looking at your girlfriend, you want to change your life for the better. In this case, they talk about “white” envy. But it often happens that an envious feeling becomes “black”, and a bad feeling arises in the soul: out of jealousy, you want to denigrate your friend. In such cases, gossip begins, saying that she only tries to look happy in public, but this happens at home... - Happy appearance
. Women are sensitive to their appearance and their friends. Let's say a friend is beautiful and has a great figure, all men pay attention to her, always compliment her, this makes her always in a good mood. But men don’t fall for her, it makes her nervous and causes her to be in a bad mood. The girl begins to worry and be jealous of her best friend. - Love
. We were friends inseparable. But then they met a young man with whom they both fell in love. He chose one of them. In most cases, a girlfriend whose feelings were rejected cannot come to terms with this. Friendship comes to an end. “Deceived and abandoned” begins to envy. The envy of an ex-girlfriend can go so far that she sees her best friend as a rival who screwed her over with her marriage. This, in her opinion, is not only worthy of condemnation, it is necessary to actively act. Gossip and intrigues begin. Two bosom “soulmates” in the recent past become irreconcilable enemies for life. - Prestigious job
. My friend has a decent income; she can afford, say, a cafe or restaurant. And she often invites her not-so-successful friend with her. She begins to envy, because she is short on money and does not allow herself anything extra. It is good if such envy, without far-reaching consequences, does not develop into hostility and alienation, ending in a break in relations. - Extraordinary abilities
. The girl is a bright personality. Whatever she undertakes, she does it quickly and well. Let's say she sings and dances talentedly or is an excellent athlete. But her best friend does not have such talents. Because of envy, quarrels and showdowns can occur. Russian playwright Yakov Knyazhnin (1740-1791) once aptly noted that envious people are sad because of the well-being of others. - Envy by instigation
. Suppose a girl does not have her own firm, established opinion, but she is instigated out of dislike for the “upstart”. For example, look how lucky your girlfriend is, and all because she knows how to approach the boss, where she needs to smile and praise. You’re a big rogue, but you’re not like that, quiet and meek, you can’t do that, that’s why they don’t notice you, although you deserve more. After listening to such selfish speeches, the girl begins to envy her bosom friend and plots against her. - Bad childhood
. My parents lived poorly and always envied those who lived well. Tales about rich people who only cry in TV series left a mark on my soul. The girl has grown up, studies or works, she has friends, but she perceives any of their success painfully. She envies her girlfriends, not trying at all to achieve well-being in life through hard work. Black envy destroys the soul and leads to an unhappy life; her friends turn away from her. - Career
. Let's say good friends work together. At work they compete to see who achieves the best position. The boss gave preference to one, she quickly got promoted, while the other continues to vegetate in her humble post. This situation causes a feeling of envy. My friend's well-being begins to depress me. There is a breakdown in the relationship. - Self-love
. When a woman is proud, she is jealous of other people's success. Let even a close friend achieve it. And it makes no sense that a friend has a talent, say, to write poetry, but she doesn’t. The main thing is that they pay more attention to her and she always has to be in the shadow of her glory. This is a blow to pride that is hard to bear. This is how envy arises, which “knows no days off.” - Malice
. To a woman who is naturally evil, people seem bad. They always do the wrong thing. Even when everything works out well for them. Jealousy flares up towards such people, it gives no rest and pours out a stream of abuse towards a successful person. The evil girl has friends, but gets along with them for the time being. Since envy of them breaks through feigned friendliness, which ultimately leads to the breakdown of friendly relations.
It is important to know! There is always a spirit of envy in women's groups. They are full of idle fiction, rumors and gossip.
“Competitive model” of female friendship
This happens rarely in men. Men are not friends with competitors, and they do not compete with friends ! But women...
A “competitive” friendship begins at the stage when both girls are “on the same level .
For example, two students are friends: both do not have a boyfriend, both live in a rented apartment... An idyll and endless mutual understanding last for a year or two - running around on dates, giggling about guys, similar joys, similar problems.
But for one, something changes dramatically - a serious romance arises with the prospect of an imminent marriage, or a good job is found... And then envy begins on the part of the less fortunate girlfriend!
And the first one is happy to try: she will either regret it, or sympathize, or advise...
The further fate of such a friendship depends on how soon the second friend receives the same, and both again feel “on the same level.”
And if this does not happen, the friendship will most likely end ! Because both of them don’t know how to be friends just like that , without an element of competition!
How to recognize a friend's envy?
To determine your friend's envy, you should pay attention to her behavior.
Suppose, while talking, she vigorously expresses joy over your success, argues emotionally and for a long time about this, which leaves an unpleasant impression. External signs of a best friend’s envy include the following nuances in communication:
- Cold emotions
. To recognize your friend's envy, you need to share the good news with her. If she, with feigned indifference, as if doused with a cold shower, mumbles that “just think, there’s nothing special about it,” this is clearly envy. After such words of hers, my soul felt annoyed, like, “Why did you share your joy with her, my friend?” - Constant criticism
. No matter what they say or do, the girlfriend questions everything. It is possible that she is a pessimist, a failure in life. He envies your success, and therefore tries to belittle you, speaking critically about your plans. Although outwardly he presents this as a caring attitude, for example, “no matter how bad things happen.” - Imitation
. Your girlfriend clearly strives to imitate you in everything. She even tries to be similar in appearance: she wears a similar hairstyle, she wears the same prestigious lipstick, skirt, coat, and even her demeanor is similar. In conversation he uses similar words and phrases. Envy here is harmless; it is unlikely to carry any selfish element. - Excessive interest in personal life
. The girlfriend is trying to “sniff out” how it is with you and your husband. She is simply jealous of your family relationships and tries to find a “fly in the ointment” in them. This consoles her painful pride, because things are not going well in her family, but she herself does not like to talk about it. And this interest in the negative speaks of envy hiding behind the guise of goodwill. - "Veal Delight"
. When meeting, there are stormy, joyful emotions. It's even unpleasant to see them. But if you look closely, the smile is strained, the eyes do not sparkle with laughter at all. As they say, a good face on a bad game. The friend is not at all happy to see you, but she puts on a lively appearance. - Inappropriate jokes
. In a close circle, a friend always tries to make fun of you and even make you look bad. Such familiar, cheeky behavior is a sign that she feels your superiority, the love and respect of her friends for you, and therefore she tries to smooth out this good impression with her “passes”. - Doesn't look straight into the eyes
. To determine your friend's envy, you need to carefully observe her facial expressions. When talking, her eyes dart all the time, her smile is strained, and her hands are restless, constantly in motion, for example, a fist resting on her chin. The behavior is often insecure, she understands that she is jealous, considers it a bad feeling, but she cannot overcome herself. - Exaggerated concern
. When meeting, there is a clear expression of attentiveness, so many good words that they even make you sick. This kind of sweetness in relationships is evidence of their artificiality. Your girlfriend is clearly jealous of your successful life. After all, envy is the art of giving compliments. - A constant reminder of sincerity
. When a friend always insists that she is sincere with you, you should not believe her. Perhaps she is being disingenuous, but in order to hide it, she calms herself down, tries to hide her envious feelings behind good words. For example, she is jealous of your successful work.
It is important to know! There is a saying that “envy is a by-product of success.” If a friend is jealous of you, it means that she considers herself inferior in many respects, not very successful in life. Sooner or later, such black envy will manifest itself in bad actions, and the friendship will come to an end.
How to stop being jealous and live your life
Envy distracts you from your own life and immerses you more and more in evaluating and closely observing the existence of others. It is precisely switching attention from those around you to the problems of your own existence that is the best answer to the question of how to stop envying and comparing, since by paying attention specifically to your development and advancement, you deprive yourself of a unique opportunity - to compare and envy. Focusing on your own performance and comparing your achievements with your own results not only eliminates painful feelings, but allows you to become more effective and is also a great way to cope with many unpleasant events in life. Breakups, moves, failures, experienced in the active development of the qualities of one’s personality and life, pass much easier, and also bring additional advantages.
Awareness of an envious feeling at the moment of its occurrence and in general as a periodic state allows, if not to understand how to stop envying people in general, then to begin to benefit from a previously frustrating feeling, highlighting, with the help of it, one’s unconscious desires and building strategies for achievement. Many famous personalities achieved success thanks to the envy that arose, and it is not logical to ignore such an emotional voice, since it always signals only true desires, but those inspired in society. Those. the object of envy is truly necessary for you, which means there is a readiness for this relationship, a desire for such changes, an ability for such activities, or even a physical need, if it is something material.
If an envious feeling has taken you by surprise and there is simply no time to analyze the reasons for its occurrence, and you are caught in a whirlwind of uncontrollable emotions, then the first thing you should do is calm down. Meditation is suitable for some, for others it is necessary to go out into the fresh air and breathe, perhaps it will help to call a friend and ask them to praise you, or perhaps reconsider your achievements yourself, drink delicious tea, go to your favorite place. Your task is to normalize your condition, restore a good mood, after which it will be possible to find new ideas. In a negative mood, focusing on a shortcoming, a person tends to make many mistakes, complicate his life, and generally spoil it with a bad mood. Another secret lies in the ability to rejoice - the more beautiful things you can notice and share with others, the less envy there will be in your life, the more success will appear.
Many people try to calm down the envious feeling, to try to make it a little less, by self-soothing, which usually looks like a comparison in their favor (“he has a two-story house, but I have three children”). The method is widespread and really helps not to choke on saliva right on the spot, but it does not remove envy anywhere; it still remains inside, continuing to undermine the normal sense of self, because the main mechanism is not removed, but fed. Comparing yourself, even if it’s a plus, remains a comparison; there is always an assessment based on others. It is necessary to find the strength to recognize the fact that someone is better at something, without making concessions to calm one’s own ego, but with the recognition that the world is such that there is a person who is better at something (for example, “my friend drives a car better than me.” , this is a fact” and no comparisons like “but my eyelashes are longer or I have my own business”).
The envy that arises against the background of a sense of justice is generally invincible if you do not remove from the picture of the world the belief that you can deserve something, and the one who behaves well will receive the most delicious candy. The world is not fair, and if it is fair, then certainly not according to the laws in our heads, and accordingly, the torment of the fact that a dishonest neighbor bought himself a third jeep can last forever.
Accepting the fact that the universe does not owe us anything, despite behavior and motivations, eliminates many claims to the world, and envy, which sounds like a demand for justice. Everyone gets what they earn (not earned by good behavior, but earned through their own efforts). There are only consequences of our choices and efforts, and it is worth being able to accept responsibility for the choices made. If two people follow the same path, they will have the same achievements, so if you, as a firefighter, compare your life with a traveler, the results will be sad. If you look more broadly than at the local result, you can see that people paid with their youth for a mansion and a yacht, but did not have time to start a family - having realized the envy of their material success, take conscious responsibility for your youthful choice to build a family and work to ensure it and the corresponding results (perhaps the man with the yacht is jealous of you).
A friendly attitude towards the one who causes this feeling helps a lot against envy. Look for something to be happy about in the lives of others, because by rejoicing only in your own successes, you are impoverishing your emotional life and the variety of opportunities with your own hands. You can admire and ask to tell how a person achieved this, offer to cooperate - everyone benefits from this, and you also deceive your own perception, bringing more happiness to yourself. Please others with a pleasant word and a small gift - by bringing people joy, you will involuntarily begin to experience warm feelings for them, instead of burning envy and hostility.
Give compliments to those you envy, even if strained and forced at the beginning, then you can make it easier, turning them into an exciting game. If you feel envious, it means you value something as positive, don’t be silent, say about it - your friends will be pleased, and your envy will be transformed into light joy. And if you don’t have the strength to share your experiences in a positive way, then find someone to whom you can honestly tell that you envy your colleague. Expressing your feelings out loud will help you analyze them, and the response of the other person will most likely give you an understanding that what is happening is normal. If there are no such people, then you can talk about this topic with a psychologist who will definitely help you consider the feeling as a resource for internal development.
In principle, direct all understanding, experience, ideas extracted from envy to development and inspiration. And take care of the people who value you and constantly remind you of this, because they are the ones who help you feel your self-worth, despite the surrounding incidents and other people’s achievements.
What are the consequences of envy?
The consequences of a friend's envy can be very serious, this is the case when the relationship is completely broken and former girlfriends become enemies for life.
Let's say a woman is successfully making her career, her friend is jealous of her and speaks poorly of her behind her back. If the character of a “careerist” is proud and tough, she does not forgive the meanness of her best friend and stops communicating with her. Envy does not always lead to the extreme that you have to sort things out almost with fists. The quarrel can be long-lasting, but over time the emotions subside, the discord is forgotten and the girlfriends begin to be friends again. This can happen if both are gentle in character, know how to give in and forgive mistakes. Qualities that are available to few people, and therefore very valuable in communication.
Envy can give a positive boost to friendships when one admires the accomplishments of one's acquaintances. For example, a girl has achieved significant success in sports, a friend envies her achievements and tries to imitate her. Such envy cannot be called “black”, which is destructive to relationships.
It is important to know! Alexander Rosenbaum sings that envy “cripples souls, poisons thoughts, alters dreams.” This is the worst thing she can bring to a best friend relationship.
A little about what envy is
Envy is undoubtedly not the best feeling, but should we be surprised at its appearance, since it has been a vice of all humanity for many tens of thousands of years. Envy is considered a negative quality, but nevertheless it also has a positive effect. It is thanks to envy that a person understands what he lacks in life and what he wants to achieve in order to be happy. Envy makes people move forward, improve themselves, set goals and achieve them.
Of course, envy towards close people can do a very bad job, but in the end, comparing oneself with close people is much more important for a person than comparing oneself with strangers. After all, who cares that some rich man made a big deal worth a million? But the increase in my friend’s salary is already more significant. Therefore, in spite of everything, envy still plays an important role in everyone’s life, but to prevent it from destroying relationships with a loved one, you should listen to a few pieces of advice.
What to do if your girlfriend is jealous?
What should you do to avoid unnecessary stress when your best friends are jealous?
And is it possible to restore a relationship if a girlfriend turns out to be envious, or is it better to break up and forget about friendship with her as about the unsuccessful days of your life? Every prudent woman should decide these issues herself, based on her life experience. But it doesn’t hurt to listen to a reasonable word either. In such cases, the following rules should be followed:
- Straight Talk
. It’s worth having a heart-to-heart talk and finding out all the “controversial” issues that sow misunderstandings between you. Only openness and honesty can return the former cloudless relationship. Let’s say your friend is jealous that you have a boyfriend and she doesn’t, so she often gets nervous and accuses you of not spending enough time with her, but “you keep disappearing with your boyfriend.” This is deeply personal, it’s not up to her to decide who you need, but if you don’t want to lose your friend, you should treat her words with sympathy, console her and tactfully convince her that everything will work out well for her too. - Psychological support
. Let's say she's jealous of your appearance or can't afford the same dress. There is no need to rudely mock her, so as not to hurt her pride, but rather praise her. Let's say that she looks very good today, and this outfit suits her. Only a careful attitude towards your friend’s feelings will help maintain a good relationship, not overshadowed by envy. - Never please
! If you feel that your friend is unhappy, you don’t need to fawn on her or try to “hush out” the unpleasant topic. This will only strengthen her conviction that you are to blame for her. And your “fault” is that she is jealous, say, of your happy family relationships, which she does not have. - No need to humiliate
. It often happens that in female friendships (in male friendships too) there is a leader and a follower. The latter gets the role of listening to advice and instructions. You should never mock your friend’s successes, saying that there is nothing worthwhile in them. Humiliation is fraught with envy, thoroughly saturated with hidden malice towards a “superior” friend. An offended soul is often envious. - Do not use “forbidden” topics
. For example, don't talk too much about your boyfriend so that men pay attention to you. This can cause a friend to feel jealous and jealous of such conversations, which will lead to hostile relationships.
It is important to know! If you have tried all the ways to establish contact with a friend who suddenly began to envy you, but nothing worthwhile has come of it, you should end your relationship with her.
How to recognize a friend's envy - watch the video:
True friendship presupposes honesty and openness, when both parties have equal rights in their relationships and do not think at all about which of them owes “more or less” to the other. This is the “salt” of true relationships between real friends. Only in this case you won’t have to talk about the envy of your close friend.
Another important point...
To make it easier to rejoice in someone else’s wealth, someone else’s great mutual love, someone else’s benefits, you need to realize one simple thing:
You observe and encounter this because there is a law: everything good that you see in people’s lives already exists in your subconscious, which means it has a huge potential to exist in you too
. If you notice this in others, then you yourself are capable of realizing it in the near future.
Are you jealous of the wealth of others? Get rid of envy and your income will begin to grow.
Are you annoyed by loving and happy couples? Be sincerely happy for them, and love and harmony will also come into your life.
At a special master class, I share techniques that will allow you to restore relationships and return loved ones in just 35 days.
If you need help, come to the next meeting >>
I hope this article helped you look at envy differently and draw conclusions. Let's summarize.
Envying others is a state that primarily destroys you and distances you from the fulfillment of all your desires.
If you see what you want coming true for others, you need to be sincerely happy for them. By doing this you will give the Universe a sign that you are ready to accept these changes in your life.
If luck smiles on your friends, then rest assured that it will not bypass you either.
If, on the contrary, you are angry and envious, failures and disappointments from unfulfilled desires will await you.
Choose success, choose sincere joy for the successes of others. And you will be surprised how your desires, as if by a wave of a magic wand, will come true one after another.
Stop being jealous and fill your soul:
- Calm,
- Harmony
- With joy,
- Sincerity.
Sow these seeds into the soil of your consciousness. This is the only way you can get the good fruits of your desired future.
And remember, as you change, the world changes.
Test. Can you live without envy?
Review the statements below and count how many times you agree with them.
- Few of my friends and colleagues can appreciate my abilities.
- I dream of living in another country or at least in another city.
- It irritates me when people brag and do everything for show.
- I get upset when someone in a company looks better than me.
- It’s difficult for me to rejoice in other people’s success, because it doesn’t concern me.
- I always help my loved ones see all the downsides of the situation from the outside.
- At least once in my life I rejoiced at the enemy's failure.
- I like to make sarcastic jokes at my friends’ expense – that’s our style of communication.
- The world is most often unfair.
- I never envy.
0-2 points. You are a self-sufficient person and very rarely envy anyone. You are more familiar with “white” envy - admiration for other people’s successes, which pushes you to new achievements.
3-5 points. You often envy, but almost never admit it. Recognize your envy and bring this feeling out. This is the only way you can achieve much more.
6-10 points. Envy is the cause of most of your problems and even illnesses. You spend too much time and energy calculating who should have received how much money, recognition and success. You destroy yourself with negative thoughts and undermine your health with grievances. You urgently need to take action.
