To measure and evaluate the external environment, you can use specific devices: rulers, scales, thermometers, diagnostic instruments. At this level, any dispute is easily resolved with accurate data from search engines. But how can you check if you are right when it comes to human actions and qualities? How to measure and evaluate your individuality? We unconsciously use other people's opinions as such a measure for self-esteem. We learned to use this instrument in early childhood.
For the first time we learn about ourselves and our qualities from our parents. Moms, dads, relatives and other adults assessed us, weighing the newborn ego with a cascade of qualitative adjectives: good, bad, smart, beautiful, capricious, obedient. Then we reinforce this dependence on external opinion at school with teacher ratings: excellent, good, satisfactory, bad...
We are accustomed to being the object of evaluation from an age about which we remember nothing. Words affect us. The word hurts and the word heals. This happens unconsciously due to a deeply ingrained habit at an early age.
Therefore, in order to maintain and increase self-esteem, we all so zealously seek external consent, trying to remain right in the eyes of others.
What does such rightness mean? Logically, the one on whose side the truth is right is the one who is right. But the truth, as they say, is different for everyone. And therefore, being right is essentially an aggressive position that does not serve the truth at all, but the defense of self-esteem. For example, when they claim exclusive possession of a high truth in order to emphasize their superiority over others.
It is natural for a person who depends on the opinions of others to want to be right. After all, it is much easier to get into an argument and devalue someone else’s opinion than to deal with your dependence on it.
A person who is dependent on other people’s opinions spends his entire life serving the concepts on which his importance rests. No matter how crazy they are. To be right is the mind's desire to remain intact, to retain and repeat the same ideas on which self-esteem rests. Such self-affirmation is an avoidance of development in favor of maintaining self-satisfied illusions. This is how indecision is formed. It’s easier, in general, to do nothing and live passively than to disturb your groundlessly swollen ego by checking reality.
The sweet feeling of being right is self-affirmation in its purest form. Confirmation of our rightness is a seal of quality with the inscription “approved” on the “packaging” of our mind. Without such a seal, the mind imagines mortal threats. The desire to be right is a thirst for life manifested through the prism of the mind. We believe in well-being and success when we feel our own importance.
The thirst for fame is the anticipation of maximally increased self-esteem, when the mind is established in those self-satisfied concepts with which it has managed to fascinate itself.
When we attribute importance to another person, he becomes our authority. This is how self-esteem gets an external target beacon. This is the same old game of pride, an attempt to strengthen oneself in beautiful, artificially promoted images.
Self-affirmation at the expense of others
Has a negative character. A person who asserts himself in this way needs constant confirmation of his own importance and superiority over others. This manifests itself through destructive methods: insults, accusations, provoking conflict situations in order to prove that one is right.
The reason for this behavior with superficial judgment is seen in inflated self-esteem. This is indicated by sharp criticism of the opponent, speech patterns demonstrating authoritarianism and significance. But a self-sufficient person does not need to present himself in a favorable light. And self-affirmation of this nature is characteristic of people who are not confident in themselves, who are not fulfilled in the public or personal sphere of life, and who need reinforcement of their importance. The goal “I am no worse or better than others” is recognized as leading in the behavior of the self-affirmer.
The appearance of inferiority complexes is due to various reasons. For example, some suffer from lack of education. Self-esteem falls, and a person, for the purpose of psychological self-defense, openly expresses disdain for education: “I earn more without a diploma.” Typically, such parents spare no effort and time to give their children the very education that they speak so disparagingly about. In fact, this is nothing more than an attempt to satisfy one’s own ambitions at the expense of children.
Low self-esteem makes a person vulnerable and deprived of attention. And the inability to see the depth of the problem leads to the simplest solution - to humiliate another in order to elevate yourself.
Why does it occur
Self-affirmation at the expense of others is a protective mechanism of the psyche that helps a person protect himself from unresolved problems. It is based on the need to constantly seek confirmation of one’s own superiority and importance. If a person can prove that everyone around him is bad, then the attitude “I am good” automatically appears in his head. With this comes a feeling of confidence, security, and comfort.
Why do some people need regular confirmation of their worth? Because they live with the belief “I am bad.” Where did this attitude come from? Parents suggested. They did not accept the child, criticized him, insulted him, humiliated him, suppressed him, beat him, punished him, intimidated him, compared him with others, etc.
Developing your self while maintaining interest in others
Constructive type of self-affirmation. A person strives for self-discovery through the development of his own personality. Such self-affirmation is a natural process for a person seeking to realize himself in society. Constructive self-affirmation is important for the individual, as it is a motivating factor for self-realization. Self-realization is one of the main tasks of personality development. This means that a person is doing what he loves, he has succeeded in his profession and family. I found love and discovered my creative abilities.
The concept of self-realization is sometimes confused with the concept of social success, although they are not the same thing. In the public consciousness, the understanding of success is determined by material security, popularity, and power. Self-realization is the disclosure of natural data, one’s purpose.
Self-disclosure of personality is not always successful in all areas of activity. At each age it has its own characteristics. For example, there are cases where physically weak teenagers achieved high results in sports. This age is especially characterized by the need for self-affirmation. And his best side is his hard work on himself. Adults assert themselves in their profession. In this case, a person reveals his abilities without denying other personalities; the essence of his self-affirmation is the ascent to higher levels of development. Finding oneself in a new quality, a new role at each specific time (age) stage.
With the constructive type of self-affirmation, a person himself determines how to establish himself in society and gain confidence in the value of his self. Women are characterized by self-affirmation in the role of mother, wife, and housewife. Male wealth is determined by success in social and professional activities.
A successful person can do a lot for others, but his success may not bring him a sense of self-satisfaction. A self-realized person is a happy person. These two concepts are not at all mutually exclusive. Some people manage to combine both social success and personal fulfillment.
Recommendations from a psychologist
To stop asserting yourself at the expense of others, you need to work through childhood traumas and grievances against your parents. It is necessary to regain a sense of security, self-worth, significance, to find a source of love and support in yourself and in other people. You need to accept and love yourself, develop self-confidence and work on self-esteem.
Denial of self
At first glance, self-denial is the opposite concept of self-affirmation. After all, this is a kind of renunciation of oneself, alienation from one’s own individuality. A person considers himself weak, and in order to overcome this, he mentally joins someone else, stronger, and ultimately transfers his qualities to himself.
In this situation, he lives not his own life, but someone else’s, and identifies himself with his idol. As a result, he develops those personality traits that are characteristic of the hero he has chosen. Behavior strategies change accordingly. This is how fans of famous people behave, fans of celebrities who are ready to change both their appearance and character, losing their individuality. Self-denial is typical for teenagers who strive to imitate some famous actor, athlete, or musician.
According to psychologists, each person, asserting himself, has in his arsenal options for behavioral strategies. They are studied in order to classify personality types in the process of self-affirmation, determine the reasons for choosing a particular strategy, and understand the mechanisms of self-affirmation. If a person adheres to only one strategy of self-affirmation, then he feels certain psychological problems, which can be difficult to understand. But for the most part, their essence comes down to the inability to communicate and build relationships with people.
Observing people's behavior, psychologists note the ability to refuse as one of the mechanisms of self-affirmation. People with different behavioral strategies say “no” differently. A person of the first type of behavior says “no” peremptorily, not allowing the free expression of the will of another person. A person of the constructive type of self-affirmation justifies his refusal, gives arguments, explains why things are this way and not otherwise. A person prone to self-denial cannot say “no.” He experiences psychological problems because he is often forced to do things he doesn't want to do.
Self-affirmation at the expense of others or why a sense of self-importance is bad.
In our society, self-affirmation at the expense of others is quite widespread. You will see this in practice in any area of life: at school, some kids humiliate others in order to feel cool; the mother criticizes the child and does basic things for him in order to feel important; The boss yells at an employee because he wants to strengthen his power.
We assert ourselves at the expense of others in order to feel important, even if we later fail to save the relationship. We need something to reinforce our sense of self-importance, and every time, again and again, we need even more of this feeling, this intoxicating feeling of power and glory. Why do we need this? Why do others need this?
Self-affirmation at the expense of others
We all play games all the time. We can say that we don’t really live, everything happens automatically - we play out our roles as a parent, a child, a student, a colleague, a motorist, an angry passerby... we have many such roles, and we participate in the game all the time. We don’t notice it, because inside the game we are like fish in water. The game is air, an unconscious dream, where we are given a role, and we obediently fulfill it. Only occasionally do we manage to leave the game, turn on awareness and experience real life, but then things get busy and we fall into the game again.
The problem is that the game is illusory, it does not give us real sensations and feelings, so we experience life as something gray, insipid and boring. And all the time I want one thing - to feel alive. Ask people why they steal, cheat, cheat, drive at breakneck speed? We want to feel life, adrenaline, feelings, emotions, we want to “feel alive.”
The feeling of self-importance is the same intoxicating feeling, a small pinch of adrenaline that makes us feel the moment of life. Therefore, we collect these moments like chips in a game, so that in the end we can say to ourselves “I won.”
Self-affirmation at the expense of others is an insidious thing in many guises. A woman whose husband drinks a lot complains to her neighbors about how unhappy she is, that the house, children, and work are on her shoulders. Fire victims who have lost all their property and cannot obtain insurance are forced to visit relatives. Do you think trouble is unpleasant? Grief loves an audience, it seeks sympathy and attention, even if it requires real suffering. That is why we cherish and nurture our sores, savor our sorrows and disappointments, and surround our problems with an aura of mystery.
There is also an obvious manifestation of a sense of self-importance. Have you seen modern weddings? How do they celebrate the birth of a child now? How do people like to post travel photos on social networks and collect likes? Surely you recognized yourself in all this. Agree, it’s nice to receive attention. It's nice to know that someone thought of you, admired you, or even envied you. And you collect compliments, admiration, likes, approval, hidden envy like chips in a game. To feel alive, to say “I won.”
Eric Berne calls such states “psychological coupons.” We use such psychological coupons in the supermarket of life to buy expensive goods. Check out the list and you might recognize your favorite purchases.
Inferiority complex coupon
Beneficial for those who like to be insulted and offended. He needs the approval of others, but he will agree to some kind of punishment. For example, someone will say a harsh word about his hairstyle or creative work. It would seem, who cares about appearance? And is it really necessary to take criticism to heart? But no, it is important for a person with an inferiority complex to feel offended to the core, because this way he will receive the sympathy of the crowd.
Depression coupon
Such coupons are used to buy the repentance of those who “brought it down.” People who fall into depression love to feel sorry for themselves, to feel helpless, because when others are to blame for their troubles, they can safely blame everyone around them, but not themselves. Depression is a surefire way to feel how everything is falling out of your hands due to the fault of others. And then these others come and repent of their guilt, of what they have done, how they have offended. This is the sense of self-importance of the offended victim, this is the treasured chip... Such games are usually played by wives whose husbands have cheated. Women love repentant men who come to confess, because this is the only way lovely ladies feel how important they are to their beloved ones.
Aggression coupon
Critics love using these coupons. They buy them the opportunity to shift responsibility onto the shoulders of others. While others are being judged for their shortcomings, there is no time left to deal with one’s own problems. And it’s such a wonderful feeling to feel that someone else felt the bitterness of worrying about their worthless life, because the critic saw all this worthlessness and “taught them how to live.”
Infallibility Coupon
“It’s others who are to blame for what’s happening, not me,” thinks an infallible person who actually wants only one thing - complete control and management. When you consider yourself good, the shortcomings of others become especially clear. And it is because of her son that the mother ends up in the hospital, because he thought more about his new family than about the woman who raised him. Now she has the opportunity to reproach him, and he will, like a darling, run to the hospital, paying for medicine and paying all his attention to his sick mother.
Self-affirmation at the expense of others
Excellence Coupon
There are people who believe that they are always right. In their opinion, there is no need to take others and their interests into account. It is much more important to prove that you are right in order to ultimately gain respect and recognition. Do you remember when you said something to a friend, but he disobeyed you, and in the end everything turned out the way you said? Do you remember what a pleasant feeling it was? Well, you then bought yourself respect and recognition with a coupon of excellence.
Self-affirmation at the expense of others never leads to anything good. Ultimately, you end up with hidden hatred, divorces, quarrels, and gossip about yourself. Remind yourself that we are all equal, that no one is better or worse by definition. Comparisons are only appropriate in an objective way, when you yourself want to become better, but when you realize that we all do not compete with each other, but provide mutual assistance, it becomes easier for you, and you play games less and less.
Based on the books by Eric Berne
Why do we assert ourselves?
The desire to establish oneself in a strong position is inherent in man by nature itself. Also K.I. Chukovsky, in his book “From Two to Five,” expressed the opinion that it is important for a child to constantly be in the spotlight, he tirelessly waits for approval and praise, and proudly emphasizes his achievements. This is explained by the child’s inferior position in relation to adults, his dependence on elders. And self-affirmation under these conditions can be expressed in the form of aggression as an expression of protest or negativistic demonstrativeness, when a child deliberately ignores the demands of adults.
The little man has not yet received sufficient life experience, but he is no longer satisfied with a secondary, dependent position. And the desire to assert oneself can be considered here as self-knowledge of the individual, the desire to strengthen one’s position, to gain independence.
Self-affirmation, in its best understanding, is necessary for a person. The origins of this phenomenon are in natural selection as the main factor of natural development, when the fittest survives. To assert oneself means to declare oneself: “I am, I exist.”
Self-affirmation is a complex socio-psychological complex. A person in the process of self-realization concerns the interests, emotions and views of others. There is mutual influence of personalities. In the process of communication, the need for recognition and awareness of one’s own value arises. Ambition, vanity, and ambition encourage self-affirmation. It is natural for a person to want to secure a certain social status. As a dual nature, a person is guided in his behavior by both positive and negative actions.
In addition to the great cultural achievements created by writers, philosophers, musicians, and scientists, history has preserved many examples of terrible crimes. They committed them as a result of self-affirmation. The motive for these atrocities is nothing more than the desire to stand out, attract attention, and assert oneself.
Healthy self-affirmation is aimed at revealing the potentials inherent in the human personality that require disclosure. And how this process will take place depends on the choice of the person himself.
Signs
A person criticizes, insults, provokes others, points out their shortcomings, focuses on their mistakes, provokes, devalues, seeks out the mistakes of others, etc. At the same time, he exaggerates his own achievements, boasts of real successes, or invents stories about his well-being. The sphere of devaluing others and idealizing oneself can be anything: appearance, abilities, social status, career, finances, material wealth, personal life, etc.
Interesting! A self-affirming person will defend his point of view, even if he understands that he is wrong.
