Question. The concept of a conflict situation. Dependence of conflicts on the nature of conflictogens. Types of conflictogens

Has this ever happened to you: you get up in the morning and everything around you is annoying? The dog left a juicy fleshy bone in his favorite shoe, the neighbors are drilling your brains right above the bedroom, your phone, which was set to charge overnight, for some reason desperately beeps from hunger, and your significant other again asks the same question that you answered in detail yesterday. What makes you angry are conflictogens - these are factors that provoke the manifestation of discontent, irritation or aggression. Moreover, such a trigger can be either someone’s activity or inaction, as well as inanimate and intangible objects (this is when you don’t go to bed for a long time because “someone is wrong on the Internet”).

Kinds

There are different types of conflictogens. These may be manifestations of selfishness, aggression, the desire for superiority, violations of existing rules and some unfavorable combination of circumstances. They live mainly in places where there are large crowds of people (as a rule, those with different upbringings or not at all), at work/study, and wait for you at home, but this is an integral attribute of the social sphere, because we are so different from each other that inevitably provokes clashes.

Classification of conflict agents

Rules 1 and 2 of conflict-free communication are easier to implement when you know what can serve as a conflict maker, so let’s consider the classification of conflict makers.

All known conflictogens can be classified into one of five types:

• striving for excellence;

• manifestation of aggressiveness;

• manifestation of selfishness;

• violation of rules;

• unfavorable combination of circumstances.

If the reader can bring up new types or types of conflictogens not listed in this section, then I would be grateful for a message to the address. In this case, a corresponding addition with attribution will be made to the next edition of the book.

The first type of conflictogens is the desire for superiority

. Conflict agents of this type are united by the fact that they all involve, psychologically, an attachment from above to the communication partner. Represented by the following types:

1. Direct manifestations of superiority - an order, threat, remark or any other negative assessment, criticism, accusation, ridicule, mockery, sarcasm.

2. Condescending attitude , that is, a manifestation of superiority, but with a tinge of goodwill: “Don’t be offended”, “Calm down” (this not only does not calm down, on the contrary, it irritates), “How can you not know this?”, “Are you really not Do you understand?”, “You are a smart person, but what you do is...”. In a word, oblivion of the well-known wisdom: “If you consider yourself smarter than others, then at least don’t tell anyone about it.”

A condescending tone is also a conflictogen of this type. For example, a husband praised his wife for a delicious dinner. But she was offended because it was said in a condescending tone and she felt like a cook.

3. Boasting - an enthusiastic story about your successes, true or imaginary. This causes irritation in listeners and a desire to put the braggart in his place. I remember an incident from my practice.

While conducting training for the staff of one bank, I received a note: “There is an employee in our room who starts every working day by telling me what a wonderful husband she has. And he loves her, and does everything around the house, and takes care of the children, etc., etc. So let her know that we hate her for this! Please read this note aloud in class." No comments needed.

4. Categorical, categorical - these manifestations of self-confidence imply the subordination of the interlocutor. This includes any statements in a categorical tone, for example: “I believe...”, “I am sure...”. Statements that are less forceful will be more tactful: “I think...”, “It seems to me...”, “I have the impression...”, etc. Peremptory phrases of this type are also conflict-generating, for example: “All men are scoundrels!” , “All women are liars!”, “Everyone steals!”, “...and let’s end this conversation!”

The categorical nature of parents in their judgments about the music, clothing, and behavior accepted among young people is a strong conflictogen that can alienate their children from them.

The mother says to her daughter: “Your new friend is not a match for you!” The daughter is rude in response. It is possible that she herself sees the shortcomings of her friend, but it is the categorical nature of the verdict that gives rise to protest. Apparently, the mother’s words would have caused a different resonance: “It seems to me that he is somewhat self-confident, he undertakes to judge something that he does not understand well. But maybe I’m wrong, time will tell.”

5. Imposition of advice - the advisee essentially takes a position of superiority. There is a rule: give advice only when you are asked for it.

6. Interrupting the interlocutor, raising his voice, or one correcting the other - thereby demonstrating his superiority (his thoughts are more valuable, and it is he who should be listened to).

7. Withholding information , for example, by a manager from subordinates out of good intentions, so as not to upset them with bad news. However, the lack of information is alarming. Nature does not tolerate a vacuum - and the resulting vacuum is filled with speculation, rumors, gossip, which are even worse than withheld information. But more importantly, there is distrust in the one who concealed the information, and this is a source of conflict.

8. Joking - usually the target of jokes is someone who, for some reason, cannot fight back. But the one ridiculed will look for opportunities to get even with the offender.

9. A reminder of something unpleasant for the interlocutor - can be intentional or unintentional.

The second type of conflictogens is a manifestation of aggressiveness

. Aggression can manifest itself as a personality trait and situationally as a reaction to current circumstances. In accordance with this, aggression can be divided into natural and situational. Some people are naturally aggressive. A person with increased aggressiveness is naturally conflicted; he is a walking conflictogen. Situational aggressiveness is a response to the resulting conflict, to the current unfavorable circumstances - troubles (personal, family or at work), bad mood and well-being. In the above example of a conflict over a broken cup, the conflict triggers (the statements of the wife and husband) are a manifestation of situational aggressiveness.

The third type of conflictogens is a manifestation of selfishness.

An egoist achieves something for himself personally at the expense of others - and this injustice serves as a basis for conflicts. Let's consider common conflictogens related to the manifestation of selfishness:

1. Deception or attempted deception is a means to achieve a goal by dishonest means.

2. Shifting responsibility to another person.

The student, unable to keep money at home, asked a friend to take a large amount of dollars for safekeeping. He hid it at home. Soon a relative came to visit him and accidentally discovered an envelope with dollars. Having replaced them with fake ones, he left, citing circumstances. The substitution was discovered when the student, having received his money back, tried to pay with it. A strong conflict arose.

What led to it? The student shifted responsibility for the safety of the money to a friend (this is the first conflictogen), and he agreed without having the necessary conditions (this is the second conflictogen). Substitution of dollars is the third conflictogen (deception).

3. Borrowing money. The proverb did not arise out of nowhere: “If you want to lose a friend, lend him money.” This is shifting the responsibility of the debtor for the financial difficulties that have arisen to the one who borrows the money, because if the debt is not repaid, he will suffer, and not the one who created the situation.

The fourth type of conflictogens is violation of rules.

As a matter of fact, the rules were established to prevent conflicts. Violation of rules contributes to the emergence of conflicts, that is, it is a conflictogen. The most important rules for a modern person are labor regulations, traffic rules, safety regulations, fire safety rules, hostel rules, ethics, etc.

The fifth type of conflictogens is an unfavorable combination of circumstances.

Often the first conflictogen can arise against anyone’s desire as a result of a combination of circumstances. This is exactly what happened in the broken cup situation mentioned earlier. Circumstances leading to conflicts of this type: tiring standing in line, contact with an irritated person, unpleasant news or incident, inability to fulfill a promise, bad weather (heat, cold, ice, rain, strong wind), traveling in crowded public transport.

How to tame conflictogens

Many years of practice in applying the above rules of conflict-free behavior have shown that they really help to significantly reduce the number of random conflicts. This happens not only due to the actions of the person applying these rules, but also due to the influence of his behavior style on the behavior of others. A conflict-free style commands respect. And with people who are respected, they behave less conflictingly. On the contrary, conflict behavior provokes similar responses. Thus, the well-known thesis is confirmed that managing others begins with managing oneself. Therefore, let’s focus on curbing our own conflict generators.

Don't show your superiority. Listen to the words of the greats. The famous Chinese thinker Lao Tzu taught: “Rivers and streams give up their water to the seas because they are lower than them. Likewise, a person, wanting to rise, must keep himself lower than others.” “True victory is one in which no one feels defeated” (Buddha).

Curb your aggressiveness. The accumulated irritation, of course, requires an outlet. However, when it spills out in the form of a conflictogen, it leads to conflict. Leo Tolstoy accurately noted: “What begins in anger ends in shame.” But not letting off steam is bad for your health. Hypertension, gastric and duodenal ulcers arise as a result of holding back emotions. They say, for example: “Stomach ulcers are not from what we eat, but from what eats us.” Men suffer more from such diseases due to the suppression of emotions, which is why they are called masculine.

So, emotions require an outlet, and discharge is extremely necessary for an irritated person. But venting on others is not a solution, but rather a trick.

There are three ways to reduce aggression:

• passive way.

You need to cry into someone’s vest, talk it out. The therapeutic effect is enormous. Women are in more favorable conditions in this regard: it is believed that a man should not complain, much less cry. Tears relieve internal tension, and with them the enzymes of negative emotions - the companions of stress - are removed. Providing relief is one of the most important functions of crying. Tell about your experiences to a person who will listen to you with understanding - and you will feel that you have become much easier. There will always be such a person among your loved ones. If you tell your spouse about your work troubles in the evening, it will not only calm you down: such frankness strengthens mutual trust in the family;

• active methods.

Based on motor activity. Adrenaline - a companion of aggression - burns out during physical work (best of all - that which is associated with the destruction of the whole, cutting it into parts: digging the earth, working with an ax and saw, mowing). Among the sports activities that most quickly relieve aggressiveness are boxing, tennis (large and table tennis), football, volleyball, and badminton. Even watching competitions provides an outlet for aggression. Fans experience the same emotions as the players: their muscles involuntarily contract, as if they themselves were fighting on the court. These emotions and physical activity burn off excess adrenaline. The so-called cyclic exercises, consisting of repeated repetitions of elementary movements: leisurely running, brisk walking, swimming, cycling, are excellent for calming. Absorbing a significant amount of energy, these activities effectively relieve nervous tension. No matter how irritated you may be before you start running, already at the second or third kilometer relief sets in, a simple thought comes: “Everything is fine, and there is no need to be upset!” Hobbies in the style of “who will defeat whom” (hunting, fishing), reading detective stories are also a good way to relieve aggressiveness. Women can be recommended aerobics (not professional sports, which is fraught with injuries, but any exercise to music) or dancing. If you really can’t bear it, slam a plate or cup on the floor. You will immediately feel relief (by the way, in European stores you can buy cheap special dishes “for whipping”);

• logical way.

Suitable mainly for purely rational people who prefer logic to everything else. For such a person, the main thing is to get to the bottom of the phenomenon; trying to drive away unpleasant thoughts is not for him. It is better for him to focus on finding the reasons for his current condition, and postpone all other matters. Analytical work calms him down, as it takes a lot of energy. In addition, the person is doing a familiar (and rather beloved) thing - thinking. As a result, negative emotions recede.

Think beyond yourself. Self-love is inherent in any normal person. Everyone should take reasonable care of themselves, at least so as not to become a burden to their loved ones. For example, take care of your health, future, well-being, etc. But at the same time try to act in such a way as not to harm anyone, and, if possible, to benefit anyone.

Display of aggression

Aggression gives rise to many conflicts. It happens that a person got up on the wrong foot, the cat scratched him at home, and now wants to discharge himself (and he just didn’t like the expression on your face), or he is simply offended by life. Often a person of this type will specifically look for an object for discharge. And the victim can be seen from afar - these are not very confident people who are accustomed to agreeing with what they are told.

In the absence of a suitable object, the aggressor sometimes chooses any one. It doesn't matter what he finds fault with. No matter what you do, everything is bad. Did you make scrambled eggs for breakfast? “It’s terrible, there’s so much cholesterol in there, you want my death!” Have you cooked porridge? Disgusting, “you know I eat scrambled eggs in the morning!”

There are several options for behavior here. If you also don’t mind unloading, then you can just quarrel to your heart’s content and even break dishes (if it makes both of you feel better after that). But the choice of response will be more effective the better you know your opponent. If after the phrase “Yes, dad, I did something terrible again, I repent,” he calms down, you will have to choose this option. Sometimes it is enough to remain silent, not paying attention to the provoking statement.

But not everyone will be reassured by the passive acceptance of guilt - a conflicted person is not looking for justice, he wants to let off steam, or he simply asserts himself at the expense of his neighbor. Some deliberately seek to aggravate the situation, try to make people cry, and spoil the mood. If the situation becomes tense on public transport, it is better to leave the cabin if possible. And when you have a conflict with a member of your household or with your boss, it will be difficult to “leave the cabin” (like during a flight).

Rudeness, categoricalness and communication in a negative way are communicative conflict generators (and some people simply have this style of conveying information). These also include various claims and statements addressed to a person in front of strangers. So it is advisable to “filter the market”, because even an unsuccessful joke in the spirit of “Be quiet, woman!” can lead to a whole host of problems.

Types and examples of subjective type conflictogens

Conflicts of the subjective type - caused by subjective factors, associated only with the participants in communication.

Conflict-generating actions

Striving for Excellence:

• Condescending tone.
• Condescending attitude (look from above, behavior with notes of patronage and neglect).
• Boasting.
• Categorical.
• Imposing advice.
• Positiveness.
• Banter.
• Interruption.
• Raising your voice.

Manifestation of aggression:

• Aggression as a characteristic human trait.
• Situational aggressiveness under the influence of circumstances.

Selfishness:

• The predominance of personal interests to the detriment of others.
• The habit of not hearing others.

Violation of rules:

• Violation of discipline.
• Neglect of ethical rules.
• Violation of internal labor regulations.
• Violation of safety regulations.
• Violation of traffic rules, etc.

Why is it important to motivate staff to follow the rules? Among other things, to prevent conflicts. The rules are created to prevent conflicts .

Not everyone associates violation of rules with conflict, so often the situation has already started when a conflict is discovered. Conflict management training helps to extinguish conflicts before they arise, or prevent conflict escalation, especially if training exercises are selected taking into account the specifics of the company and after studying the current situation.

Conflict situations

Even with shallow observation, you can identify communication situations that can cause conflict:

• Open distrust.
• Interrupting your interlocutor.
• Downplaying the merits of the interlocutor, belittling his importance, devaluing the ideas and results of his work.
• Emphasizing the differences between oneself and the interlocutor is not in his favor.
• Stubbornness and unwillingness to admit one’s mistakes, someone’s merits, or someone’s rightness.
• Exaggerating your own contribution to the business, underestimating your partner’s contribution.
• Imposing your point of view.
• Insincerity in judgment.
• Acceleration of the pace and a sharp break in communication.
• Reluctance to listen to someone's point of view.
• Anything that can usually be perceived negatively by the interlocutor.

Conflict triggers such as “striving for superiority” and “selfishness” are signs of hidden aggression. They can be identified in their inception using facilitation methods in order to think through measures to rid the team of undesirable phenomena.

Hidden aggression is not just “getting off on the wrong foot”, it is a veiled attack on the dignity of another person and his interests. The carrier of such a conflictogen poses a danger to the healthy development of the team. Hidden aggression provokes resistance in the form of overt and stronger aggression. This is a feature of destructive conflictogens of the subjective type.

Conflict words

Words that should be avoided in conversations with people not from your inner circle: more often they can lead to conflicts, and in rarer cases they are not conflictogenic. This:

• Words expressing distrust: “I don’t believe you,” “you don’t understand,” and the like.
• Words of an offensive nature: “idiot”, “scumbag”, “rag” and the like.
• Threats: “you’ll regret it,” “I’ll remember this for you,” and the like.
• Ridicule: “bespectacled”, “dystrophic”, “mumble” and the like.
• Comparisons: “staring like a sheep”, “rummaging through papers like a pig in oranges”, “repeating like a fool-ass” and similar expressions.
• Words expressing a negative attitude: “I don’t want to talk to you”, “you are unpleasant to me” and the like.
• Ought words: “you must”, “you must” and the like.
• Accusations: “you ruined everything,” “it’s all because of you,” and the like.
• Words expressing categoricalness: “always”, “no way”, “nobody” and the like.
• Mention of a negative attitude towards the interlocutor by other people: “it’s not for nothing that your former boss said...”, “they say you’re in the past...” and similar expressions.

The most unpleasant thing is when a person does not notice that he is using conflict agents and, in fact, not wanting to offend a person, utters words that are regarded solely as a deliberate insult. The most dangerous thing is when a person uses conflict agents deliberately, following his own selfish goal. In the first case, communications training will help, in the second - analysis by specialists.

Conflicts related to information

Not everyone recognizes conflictogens in such situations, which makes them even more insidious:

• Need for information. A person feels uncomfortable if he is not provided with information that is important to him or if the truth is distorted. The most obvious conflictogens are concealment of information and disinformation.
• Imposing an inaccessible style of speech. Using terms in a conversation that the interlocutor does not know is unpleasant for him and causes a feeling of inferiority.
• Mystery, whispering in front of others. Others find it unpleasant to feel “uninitiated.” This is not just impolite, as our parents taught us, it is conflict-provoking.
• Concentrating on oneself or going into the shadows (or communicating and avoiding communication) . In any of the options, those around you are uncomfortable, which escalates the situation.
• Plagiarism. Particularly acute conflictogen.
• Finding someone to blame and blaming is a frustrating need for psychological safety and security. The problem is that the accusation is based on a negative assessment, and this provokes conflict.

How to calm down and calm your opponent?

Try to avoid escalation of conflicts, because the “offended” person has a great temptation to respond, so to speak, symmetrically. You give me your word, I give you two. It is better to communicate calmly, try to meet people halfway, sometimes remain silent, and, as a last resort, simply leave. And it is advisable to do it quickly if the aggression is not verbal, but physical. You don’t want to show up to work in a bloody jacket just because you couldn’t stand the attacks of a drunk guy who didn’t like your facial features?

Behavioral reactions are unpredictable. Remember this when you yourself want to take your anger out on someone. If you are a victim, know that sometimes breaking a pattern is a very effective remedy. Instead of snapping, say: “Ivan Petrovich, you look more attractive when you’re not angry!”

By the way, aggressiveness can be both innate (who would you like to hook today?) and sudden (situational): “I’m a patient person, but only an idiot would eat such over-salted cooking!!”

Do not forget that words are not a sparrow (and many are ready to remember an insult for many years and even their entire lives), and if you yourself are often the aggressor, here are several options to avoid aggravating the situation:

• rationally comprehend the situation, assess the situation, find the causes of difficulties;
• sublimation (relieving internal tension by redirecting energy to achieve socially acceptable goals): try to relieve tension through physical exercise (choose an animate object only if it is a sparring partner in boxing) - do push-ups, run, pump up your abs;
• try to speak out and voice your accumulated problems.

Types of conflict actions

Most of the conflict-generating actions listed above can be classified into one of three types:

1. the desire for excellence;
2. manifestation of aggressiveness;
3. manifestation of selfishness.

Let's look at what each of the listed types is.

1. Striving for Excellence. It manifests itself in the fact that one of the interlocutors demonstrates the following aspects of his behavior or attitude towards his partner:
   direct manifestation of superiority in the form of an order, threat, remark (or other negative assessment), accusation, ridicule, mockery, etc.;
2. a condescending attitude, which is demonstrated with a special shade of kindness: “Calm down”, “Don’t be offended”, “You are a smart person, but what you do...”, etc.;
3. boasting in the form of an enthusiastic story about one’s own successes and achievements. Usually this causes quite obvious irritation among people “like me,” because superiority is not tolerated among equals;
4. excessive confidence in oneself being right. This is demonstrated by a categorical statement in a fairly categorical form such as “I am sure”, “I believe”, “unequivocally”, “without a doubt”, etc. The use of such statements usually makes the opponent want to doubt this or refute this uncontested statement;
5. imposing your advice. When the interlocutor imposes his opinion in the form of advice, others in most cases have a desire to do the opposite, rather than follow them. The person advising in this case, taking a position of superiority, usually achieves the opposite effect - distrust and a desire to act differently. Moreover, we should not, apparently, forget that advice given in the presence of others is most often perceived as a reproach;
6. interrupting the interlocutor, as well as raising one's voice or trying to correct another. The one who does this shows with all his appearance that you only need to listen to him, that his thoughts are more valuable than the thoughts of others. Recommendation for those who believe that their thoughts and reasoning are more significant than others: think, maybe you have good thoughts much less often than you think?

1. Manifestation of aggressiveness . Etymologically, the word “aggression” (from the Latin agression) means “attack.” Aggression can manifest itself either as a personality trait characteristic of the behavior of a particular person, or, situationally, as a way of responding to current circumstances, or as a manifestation of natural aggressiveness.

Natural aggressiveness can be the result of both self-affirmation in a social environment (family, team, peer group), and an expression of protest against a certain dependence on the “leader” (parent, boss, senior in position or status).

We should not forget that, firstly, a person with increased natural aggressiveness is conflict-prone and is, as it were, a walking conflictogen; secondly, a person with absolutely zero aggressiveness, who does not have “healthy anger” to achieve a goal, and the desire to surpass his opponents, risks doing much less in life than those who, given equal opportunities, have a share of some “reasonable” aggressiveness.

Situational aggressiveness, as a rule, occurs as a reaction to current circumstances. This could be poor health and mood, troubles in family, household or business relationships. Most often, situational aggressiveness occurs as a response to a received conflict. According to the principle “like gives rise to like” (such as “I’m like that”, “I hear from someone like that”, etc.), retaliatory aggressiveness provokes, in turn, an even greater intensity of passions and the exchange of “courtesy” in an even more aggressive form.

1. Manifestation of selfishness . The word "egoism" has the Latin root "ego", which means "I".

The manifestation of “terry” egoism usually acts as a strong conflict generator for others, since the egoist achieves something for himself, usually doing it at the expense of others. This injustice, as a rule, gives rise to a conflict situation.

The development of egoism and its transformation into the dominant orientation of the personality is largely explained by serious defects in upbringing. Inflated self-esteem and egocentrism of the individual are usually consolidated in childhood. A particularly egoistic principle - “selfishness” - is characteristic of the only or youngest children in the family. In adulthood, such hyper-concentration on one’s own “I” and complete indifference to the inner world of other people usually leads to alienation. The selfishness of such people becomes hateful to others, which, in turn, cannot but affect the bearer of selfishness. Such a person really becomes more aggressive and, as a result, more unpleasant to people.

Striving for Excellence

People have different motives. They may not exist at all. And sometimes a person’s completely natural desire begins to inexplicably irritate. For example, your co-worker or fellow student is endlessly striving for excellence. Perfectionism, of course, is commendable, but when they try to “get you away”, it’s not very pleasant.

In words, an attempt to dominate is manifested in uttering accusations and sarcasm. The person begins to criticize you, presents personal characteristics in a negative way, interrupts you, as if demonstrating that what you said is not worth attention. Banter, categoricalness and harsh accusations are communicative conflictogens that each of us has encountered.

The rules of business communication recommend avoiding harsh judgments and personal criticism (especially in the presence of other people).

Or imagine: you have taken on increased obligations (in the secret hope of getting a position as head of a department), and Vasily Petrovich suddenly doubles the norm. He was used to always being the first (that’s what dad taught). You don’t lag behind, and Vasily Petrovich again pushes you and takes a new standard (to prove that he is the best worker), to fulfill which you will probably have to stay awake for two weeks and implant yourself with a couple of extra limbs in order to simultaneously talk on the phone, stamp, write and periodically eat food without leaving your workplace (and another hand would not hurt - to support your sleepy head during endless vigils). Suggestions don't help.

But someone else’s example constantly teases you and also deprives you of sleep! Which exit? Keep your plans as secret as possible. Well... or give up. At least in words.

- I'll guess with five notes!

- I’ve been here since four!

- Go for it.

Selfishness

Often the cause of problems is a banal inflated ego. Well, my mother suggested (having read smart books on psychology) that a person deserves the best, everyone around him is obligated, what can we do now? And sometimes he is ready to do anything in order to achieve comfort - and at least the grass won’t grow there. You must be the first to eat the candy, take a warm seat (literally and figuratively), and receive all sorts of preferences. In this case, try a trick. Convince the egoist that the options offered to him are the best.

If you are a champion of universal justice, be vigilant. Let's remember the classic situation: an intelligent person appears at the doctor's office and asks who is last. And when the door opens and the patient comes out, the newcomer rushes into the office shouting: “Yes, I’m just asking!” Whether he is a malicious deceiver or just dropped in to look for a lost wallet containing an inheritance from an Irish grandfather is not the point. But the fact that the queue is boiling after this and is ready to beat the “alien” is an undoubted fact.

If you encountered such a type of spoiled person as an ordinary egoist on a bus, and he firmly occupied a place near the doors with the argument “I should get off at the third stop!”, And you have been pumping your biceps for a long time and could not find any everyday use for your skills, then for To level out the conflict, simply try to gently but persistently move your friend to the middle of the cabin. Convictions are unlikely to help here (you should have started when you were lying across the bench).

By the way, both manifestations of selfishness and the desire for superiority also relate to hidden aggression, because in both cases a person seeks to infringe on the rights of others by indulging in his own interests - this is a certain form of attack on your dignity.

Less than 30 days

Conflict experts warn: do not use certain words and expressions - they provoke conflicts. In a good way, they need to be removed from your vocabulary. In the article you will find the five most common conflictogens - many people use them without even thinking about the consequences.

What are conflictogens?

These are words, as well as actions, that provoke conflict and/or inflame it even more. General rule: do not use conflictogens and do not respond with a conflictogen to a conflictogen. Now let's list them.

1. “No, listen. No, that's not what I wanted to say at all, wait. No, that's not true."

The first little “no” that slips into your speech produces the effect as if your interlocutor’s visor falls off if we imagine a knight’s helmet. At this moment the person stops hearing you. He begins to come up with an answer for you.

2. “Look, Do, Read”

Verbs of the imperative mood, criticism, accusations, condescension and boasting. The first thing a person wants to do when he is ordered is to throw off this order, to resist it. The reaction is similar to criticism. If you want to criticize, it’s better to use this technique: first talk about the good, then about the mistakes - the pros and points for growth.

3. “I’m sure we’ve never had anything like this.”

Peremptory judgments are a powerful conflict generator. What will a person hear in this phrase? That you want to show your superiority. What you say is the same “no”, but in slightly different words.

4. “It would be better if you…”

Unsolicited advice. The person will not perceive the information the way you want. What will he perceive? That you want to seem smarter than him. The fact that you put him in a dependent position.

5. “Once upon a time you didn’t do such and such”

Reminder of a losing situation. Managers often reproach subordinates for past failures. This is a conflict. The famous psychiatrist and psychologist Viktor Frankl believed that if a manager constantly tells his subordinate about his shortcomings, it is as if he is programming him for them. But if a manager finds something good in a subordinate and exaggerates a little, then this is perceived as support, and the subordinate has a desire to really become better, to reach for a higher standard. The optimal level of this level is 10-20% more than it actually is. Then it does not traumatize and does not raise suspicions that this is some kind of lie or flattery.

These conflictogens were identified and described in her books and lectures by conflictologist and social psychologist Irina Barzhak. Today, June 26, at 14.00 Irina’s webinar will take place on how to communicate with difficult, toxic people, provocateurs. You still have some time to register for it. We are waiting for you at our webinar!

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Going beyond

Sometimes the source of conflict is a violation of rules or someone's desire to break the law. And they will become the injured party, or they want to make you a direct accomplice. Let's say a friend comes to you at the Real Estate Department and asks to give you an apartment bypassing the queue, but this goes against the life principles that you have learned.

Behavioral conflictogens are a very powerful irritating factor. Who would like it if a neighbor defiantly doesn’t say hello and pushes you with his shoulder when you meet him because you didn’t allow your dog to shit on the doormat? Or if the girl invited to a date is “only 50 minutes late”, and at the banquet her counterpart picks his teeth? Any obvious violations of ethical standards cause a negative reaction. How much patience do others have? Sometimes the outcome of a case depends only on the weight category of the opponents.

Often the “violator” does not care that others will suffer or be held accountable for him. The main thing is your own comfort: “Listen, foreman, it’s uncomfortable to work in this helmet! Will I fall and break? Don't care! It won’t matter to me anymore, won’t it?”

By the way, a “provocateur” does not necessarily aim to piss someone off. If the girl next door sings a song for the forty-eighth time without hitting the notes, and you have perfect pitch, such a “violation of community rules” will be tantamount to torture. But you should understand: is the person doing this with the goal of angering you, or is he, for example, simply enjoying life?

If you chose the first answer, then a quote from the story about Brother Rabbit, who begged not to throw him into the thorn bush, can serve as advice: ask the tyrant to do the exact opposite action, switch the troublemaker to another type of activity, or recommend setting aside special time for favorite activities. And if the answer is the second, try inviting the person to make adjustments to their behavior or... look at it philosophically (if other options don’t work, such as putting in earplugs, giving a ticket to a concert, singing yourself...).

Communication conflictogens

Film "The Same Munchausen"

Count how many potential conflicts Karl allows in his conversation with the pastor. The pastor may not be the most decent person, but he is much more well-mannered.

Film “Personal life: the joy of close relationships. The lesson is conducted by Prof. N.I. Kozlov and psychologist Marina Smirnova"

Analysis of Munchausen conflictogens.

Communication conflictogens are words, phrases, intonations and other small moments in communication that create tension in the conversation and provoke conflict. As a rule, anything that goes beyond the expected and acceptable communication style for a person turns out to be a communicative conflictogen.

In order to avoid potential conflicts, it is useful to know them by sight. Even seemingly well-mannered people in a conversation, in a fit of emotion, often allow (and do not notice) harshness, disrespect for the interlocutor or an attitude of superiority.

The most common causes of conflict are objections, categoricalness, a harsh and aggressive tone, negative assessments and addressing a topic that is unpleasant for the interlocutor. We start arguments on sensitive topics only because we don’t think about why we are saying this or that now, and we don’t try to figure out how it will be perceived by the interlocutor. So, typical conflictogens of this circle:

No. You're wrong. What are you doing? Nothing like this! I'll explain. What if you think about it? In fact... Now still... Nonsense.

The most offensive are personal criticism in front of strangers, reproaches, claims, accusations, pressure and prohibitions. All this is allowed if there is no goal to protect the interlocutor, if even more so the task is to hit him in the sore spots and forcefully force him to do this or that. If there is someone next to you who is somehow dear to you, reduce the speed:

What a mess?! Because of you... Stop it! Stop it immediately.

The most obvious conflict drivers are rudeness, increased accusations, and simply unaddressed negativity. Most often, this comes out of people according to the principle of “nothing personal”: it has little to do with those around them, it is mainly anger and negativity living in the soul of the one who swears. So:

Turn your head on. You're annoying me, leave me alone... You're making my head split. Again! As always, forever you. As usual, because of you. Oh my God! Why?!.. All sorts of idiots, crap, bastards...

The most hidden conflictogens - those that are so natural, least noticeable from the inside to the one who speaks and clearly visible from the outside to the one who listens - are phrases that express a position of superiority.

You see... you understand... How can I explain this to you... Obviously... I don’t understand why you...

A variation of the position of superiority is reading a moral: telling something that a person knows well without you, such as “Things must be put in their place!” and boredom around him, indifference to him (to what is interesting and important to him).

Come on! Oh, God, I’m so tired of this... Listen, I’m busy right now, let’s do it next time (if this next time is repeated again).

The most unexpected sources of conflict are humor directed at a partner and excuses.

Humor directed at a partner usually amuses everyone except the one at whom it is directed, and excuses irritate because no one needs them except the one making the excuses.

In a conversation with a manager, the formulations “I believe” and “I believe” will be conflictogens; “I think” and “In my opinion” will be more appropriate. It’s interesting that in a business conversation, the phrases “I’m surprised”, “I’m offended”, “I’m upset because of you” and, in principle, conversations about one’s feelings turn out to be conflictogens.

Talking about your feelings, while appropriate in personal communication, usually turns out to be inappropriate in a business context.

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Doctor, everything annoys me

There is an expression: “This world is created to infuriate us.” In general, whoever is looking for... well, you get the idea. A hidden bomb is too low a salary, a bad smell from a neighbor, the stupidity of modern youth, and even the color of a journalist’s blouse.

Moreover, sometimes the “misbehavior” of home appliances, for example, is a negative factor. You've probably noticed that, according to Murphy's law, it either malfunctions at the same time (apparently, it's more fun this way), and precisely at the moment when you urgently need to watch a disk/print a file/whip cream for a ready-made cake, or it breaks down exactly a few days after end of warranty. Again, it all depends on your reaction and whether the glass was half empty or half full (and on the contents you poured into it the night before). While a lively optimist will laugh and say: “Anything can happen - apparently, their time has expired,” a fan of dull determinism will suspect a worldwide conspiracy here.

Reveal the secret, unfortunate one!

A conflict-generating situation is also the concealment of information and disinformation. Here is a group of classmates whispering with a mysterious look, but when you appear, they immediately fall silent and begin to demonstratively feign indifference. In response to a request to explain what the problem is, everyone makes surprised eyes and, shrugging their shoulders, disperses. Such “games” provoke stress. How to proceed? All that remains is to pretend that nothing special is happening, or find an insider who will reveal the secret. True, sometimes this leads to disappointment: for example, friends decided to prepare a surprise for you for your next birthday.

Unfortunate coincidence

And further. It happens that the provocative factor is not actually such. It's just a coincidence or an accident. For example, you open the door when the bell rings, and a cheerful couple bursts into the hallway, insistently demanding an answer to two questions: why didn’t the owner come out and why isn’t the table set yet??! Apparently they were on the wrong floor.

What can you do in such a situation? Find out what happened and just smile, because in most cases what has been done cannot be undone. However, try to somehow help the person you upset and make an effort to correct the occasional mistake, whatever it may be. For example, in a cafe you were pushed and you poured a glass of water on a sitting person. Be sure to apologize and find a towel or cleansing wet wipes. Offer to order dessert as compensation. Who knows - maybe this bad day will end with a pleasant acquaintance?

Let's defuse the situation

In human communication, conflictogens often become a trigger for the emergence and intensification of confrontation. It is important to be able to control your own behavior and understand the reasons for your reaction to certain stimuli. It is also advisable to calculate the consequences in advance: for example, you go to visit and only on the spot inform that the doctor has forbidden your spouse to eat 99% of the dishes on the table. Then he sits with a sad look, demonstrating how sickening this celebration of life is. It was advisable to inform the hostess about dietary restrictions in advance or bring specially prepared food with you. After all, you came not so much to dine, but also to enjoy communication with pleasant people, right?

By the way, conflictology recommends distinguishing between irritating factors that provoke problems, an unstable situation and elements that enliven and “refresh” existence - for example, in the family. Sometimes the latter are beneficial (remember: “Darlings scold - are they just having fun?”). If the house is quiet and calm, then either both are angels, or... everyone has become indifferent to what the partner does, what he thinks about and what his partner desires.

Conflictogenic phrases. 9 phrases that create conflict.

We often use phrases that provoke conflict, not out of malice—scientists call them conflictogens. To maintain peace in the family and at work, psychologists recommend replacing them with more neutral ones. Never say the following 9 phrases!

1. “This is not my Responsibility”, “I am not paid for this.” The most common excuses for not working. In 99% of cases, they irritate the manager and show him your indifference. Therefore, it is much better to answer: “I have a lot of tasks for today. Which one should I do first? 2. “I don’t have time to talk to you,” “I’m busy.” Such answers are a sign of poor upbringing. The ethical thing to do would be to say, “My apologies, but we are about to start an urgent meeting and it’s time for me to go. Let’s call and discuss your problem next time “or” let’s discuss this in an hour: I’m just finishing up something.”

3. “This may sound stupid, but...” This kind of “introduction” initially calls into question the validity of everything you are about to say. Forbid yourself from saying this phrase.

4. “don’t be offended, but. “This sounds like a warning that something unpleasant will follow next. In this way, you yourself give instructions so that your interlocutor perceives your speech as offensive. Therefore, as soon as you feel that this phrase is about to come out of your mouth, change the topic of conversation.

5. how you gained weight! “or even” oh, how you’ve lost weight! » Weight is a sensitive topic for many. People have a hard time accepting the changes that happen to their bodies, so comments like these can really put a damper on their mood. Instead, it's better to say, “You look amazing! 6. “At your age you look good” this phrase sounds like a reminder of age, and can be interpreted as follows: “compared to other old people, you look more or less tolerable.” Simply say, “You Look Great.”

7. “You are in Your Repertoire” try not to label. Instead of conflicting phrases, you can say: “I’m upset that you left the dishes in the sink again. What can we do to prevent this from happening again? By using the pronoun “I,” you focus on how you feel, rather than on how bad your partner is. This will be an incentive for him to eliminate the problem that is bothering you.

8. “if you really loved me, you would. “By pronouncing this phrase, you are not just manipulating your partner, but also letting him know that his attitude towards you does not suit you. It is unlikely that this will contribute to a strong connection between you. It’s better to say this: “I would feel better if we could. The best way to maintain a productive relationship is to simply explain why you're upset and then offer a solution.

9. “You were too good for him”, “I'm glad you got rid of her” Even if you are trying to console someone after a breakup with a partner, he may perceive this phrase as an insult to his taste and evidence of his inability to understand people.

Use instead: “He Lost a Lot” - it will definitely be perceived correctly.

How to proceed?

It’s unpleasant to realize that various types of conflictogens can make you angry. You need to be prepared to calculate possible courses of action when they arise:

• escalation of the conflict with the aim of detente (come on, repeat, what did you call me?!),
• ignore: pretend that you don’t notice anything and are immersed in your own thoughts - especially if you’re driving nearby, and a drunk doesn’t care who you bother with (what kind of fat woman is that, I don’t know anything, and it seems they sent me a very interesting message in the messenger),
• a way to put yourself in the place of your opponent (I also wanted to win this competition, but for you this is a matter of self-respect and a desperate last chance, because I only have a year left to work here, and I will still have many opportunities to realize my potential),
• compromise (okay, calm down, I won’t go anywhere today and throw my junk off the mezzanine, but tomorrow you’ll cook my favorite pie and let me stay with friends),
• sometimes it’s enough just to talk, express your wishes and explain your actions - maybe the other side is not aware that you are not a malicious saboteur, but have your own plan (no, I didn’t throw my socks away, but put them out for air - a friend calls me to help at two o’clock with repairs, and then I’ll throw them in the wash),
• avoiding conflict - in the literal and figurative sense, is possible if there are communication problems or lack of time (yes, yes, there is sawdust in my head, I’m the same dunce as all teenagers, but I’ll go, grandma, for a walk - on the street it’s so warm, and the other parasites have been waiting in the yard for a long time),
• A smile makes a gloomy day brighter, and an unexpected joke can completely defuse the situation (man, don’t go broke - you’re so cute, but you ruin the mood for yourself and people).

The main thing here is to choose the right option that will lead to neutralization of the conflict. Remember: we have the power to prevent or stop the development of a tense situation by recognizing the source of danger in time and determining the desired strategy of behavior.

Author: Maria Nefedova

What are conflictogenic phrases? Phrases that can cause conflict:

1. “This is not my responsibility.” Perhaps it is not included. But bosses find such phrases very annoying: they are perceived as an attempt to evade work. It’s better to tactfully hint that you are already busy: “I have a lot of tasks for today. Where do I begin?".
2. “I’m busy,” “I don’t have time to talk to you.” Even if you are really very busy, and they came to you with some nonsense. For your interlocutor this is not nonsense, and your answer will be regarded as indifference. Therefore, think about when you will have time to discuss this issue, and make an appointment: “We’ll talk in an hour: I’ll finish one thing...” or “Sorry, I’m in a hurry for a meeting, let’s call tomorrow.”
3. “This may sound stupid, but...” Oddly enough, this is also a conflict-generating phrase. By pronouncing it, you initially put yourself in a vulnerable position: the interlocutor may doubt everything. what will you say after this phrase? Just don't use it.
4. “Don’t be offended, but...” is a warning that something unpleasant will follow these words. Perhaps the interlocutor would perceive the information as neutral or even positive, but you yourself are indicating that further speech is offensive. Do you feel like you are about to say this phrase? Change the topic of conversation urgently: most likely, you are irritated and further conversation may develop into a conflict.
5. “Oh, you’ve gained some weight…” or even “How much weight you’ve lost!” It’s better not to touch on the topic of weight at all, because this issue is quite painful for many. This means that some comments can spoil the mood of your interlocutor and cause a conflict. Instead, it is better to sincerely say, “You look great!”
6. “You look good, and at your age...” Such a phrase is not just a conflict generator, but the height of impoliteness, which gives a person an excellent opportunity to feel like a dinosaur. Not much pleasant. So just compliment your appearance: “You look great!”
7. “As usual, you are in your repertoire.” Where does this labeling come from? And generalizations in conflict are extremely undesirable - try not to use the words “never”, “always”, “as usual”.
8. “If you really loved me, then...” Ordinary everyday manipulation, a kind of emotional blackmail. Just explain what upsets you and say what you would like.
9. “It’s good that you broke up, he wasn’t right for you” or “He was too stupid/greedy/ill-mannered.” It is clear that this is said with good intentions, and you are trying to console your friend or girlfriend after breaking up with your loved one. But doesn’t this look like evidence of your interlocutor’s inability to understand people? It is better to say: “He has lost a lot” or “It is unlikely that she will find a person as wonderful as you.”