3 things you need to do urgently if your husband doesn't help you around the house

A lazy man is not the norm

You and your husband both work all day, but when you come home, he lies down on the sofa in front of the TV, and you have to do a bunch of different household chores - cook dinner, wash the dishes, throw laundry in the washing machine, help the children with their homework.

To your requests for help with household chores, your spouse replies “I was actually working,” “I’m tired,” “Well, you’re a woman, cook it yourself,” and other “excuses.” In the end, you have to do everything yourself, although you are no less tired than your spouse.

There is no need to tolerate such behavior - in modern families, spouses distribute household responsibilities among themselves. Activities with children, shopping for groceries and household goods, cleaning and cooking - absolutely everything is divided in half. If a man takes out the trash twice a month and sometimes buys groceries on the way home, and all the rest of the housework falls on you, then this cannot be considered a fair distribution of responsibilities.

The only option when you can take on all the worries about the house is that you do not work, and your husband fully provides your family with money. Then household chores are your job.

WHY DO SOME MEN DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING?

There may be several reasons.

Firstly , this is a natural given - this type of psyche is phlegmatic. It seems like he did the basic thing - he got the carcass. That's it, I don't want anything more, I don't need anything more. Everything is fine as it is.

Secondly , it may be raised from childhood by your mother. Infantilism. Mom does everything for me, takes care of me, all I can do is please her with my good appetite and good behavior. And over time, this type of behavior is transferred to one’s own family.

Thirdly , if the wife does everything around the house herself and even redoes what the husband did later, because he did it insufficiently well from her point of view. If all decisions in the family are made exclusively by the wife, only on the basis that she knows what is best, then he is discouraged from doing anything or taking on any responsibilities. They won’t appreciate it anyway!

Why does my husband shirk housework?

There may be several reasons why a spouse categorically avoids any housework:

Banal laziness - a man is lazy and tries to evade any activity in all areas of life. Instead of cleaning, he would rather sit in front of the TV, because his wife will eventually not be able to stand it and will do everything herself.
Fatigue - he works hard all day at work and only crawls home to sleep. He has neither the strength nor the time for household chores. In this case, there is some bonus - such workaholics, as a rule, earn good money.
Infantility - a man is simply not used to keeping track of clean clothes and dishes, the presence of food in the refrigerator, he does not even know how to iron correctly. He most likely lived for a long time with his mother, who did everything for him, and then “moved” to his wife and expects the same behavior from her.
Mismanagement - he simply does not notice the disorder in the house, he is fine as is.
Contempt for “women’s work” - he is convinced that the wife should take all the care of the house onto her shoulders - “after all, you are a woman, this is what you do.” He considers household chores primitive and unworthy of a man.
There is no point, because the wife will be unhappy that he did something wrong - he didn’t wash the floors well enough, cooked the borscht tastelessly, and so on. After numerous nagging, the spouse simply does not see the point in doing anything.

Men often hide behind the phrases “I’ll do it later,” “well, I’m helping you,” “yes, my dear, I’ll do it now,” and simply wait for the woman to break down and solve the economic problem herself. At the heart of this lies the usual trick - after all, he knows that the problem can be solved without his participation.

How to ask for money correctly4

It’s worth starting with the fact that the man is normal and has some money, then he will be happy to spend some of it on the woman he loves. However, you need to be able to correctly formulate your request so that a man does not form an opinion about her as a notorious bitch.

For requests, you need to choose the right time when the man is well-fed, in a good mood and has no problems at work.
Men don't understand hints well, so you shouldn't tell him what beautiful shoes your girlfriend bought, he may not understand that his beloved wants to buy a new pair of shoes.
A woman should ask confidently, without stiffness, and not as if she was put on the porch to beg.
You must justify your request. Explain why the money is needed, how it will be used, how much is needed and what the outcome of the purchase will be.

If the gentleman answered in the affirmative, you need to thank him with all your heart and say that you were counting on a positive answer, because you did not doubt his generosity and care.

What should a woman do?

To get your husband’s “doing nothing” off the ground, you need to try:

Explain clearly and in detail to your spouse what you want him to do—for example, for him to fix the faucet or cook dinner on Thursdays while you pick up the kids from school. Get your husband to tell you the exact date and time for completing his task.
Distribute responsibilities equally - for example, you cook and your husband washes the dishes, you take the children to school and he picks them up in the evening, he washes things and you iron them, and so on. Agree on who is more comfortable doing certain chores.
Praise for work done - men, like children, need affection and recognition of their merits. Therefore, praise him even for small chores around the house - and then he will want to do something else.
Explain why the two of you need to participate in economic life - that you don’t have time and are very tired, and who needs a tired, sad wife? That's right, no one. This means that in order to see your smile, he needs to manage a little.
Stimulate with a reward - for each “feat” a man will receive his own reward: for a repaired faucet - a favorite dish, for a cleaned apartment - fishing with friends, and so on.

Type one: romantic drone

How does he behave

It doesn't really do anything at all. Not only that, he also craps everywhere: he doesn’t wash his plate, throws socks and things around, and, sorry, doesn’t even use a brush after using the toilet.

One good thing is that the toothpaste tube is always screwed on. And not because he twists it, but because the guy, in principle, does not know what brushing his teeth is. He doesn’t want to work: “I won’t work for my uncle, I want my own business.” And he lies on the sofa for days, supposedly “thinking” where to start.

This psychotype is the most complex. If this is your case, then several questions immediately arise:

How did you manage to fall in love with someone like that?
It's okay to fall in love, but how did you marry him?
Okay, I got married, but how do you sleep with him, with such a pig?

But, can I answer for you? Falling in love, for example, with a “shaggy hippie” is sometimes romantic. They simply intoxicate some girls with their romance, although they are not an acquired taste, of course. And if you, enchanted, took all the worries about him from the very first days of romance - then good luck. He found in you both a nanny and a housekeeper: in a word, a wife. And don't expect him to change.

What to do

Either work harder yourself, or become like him. Give yourself dreadlocks on your head, save up money for two tickets to Jamaica, buy hammocks, and both laze on the beach under the palm trees. Well, jokes aside, there is no way to instill a love of work in an absolute lazy person. But such a spouse is unlikely to cheat - he will be too lazy to even do this.

But I wouldn’t recommend having children immediately after marriage. If you endure everything and get used to the quitter so that you don’t want to break up with him after 5 years, then it’s quite possible to conceive a baby, but keep in mind that you will already have two children: a baby and a husband.

Another interesting article: What to write to your husband’s mistress if you are convinced of her existence

What not to do

In teaching your husband to do housework, the main thing is not to go too far. Here are some tips on what not to do:

do not shout or swear - always calmly explain your position, preferably with humor or a smile;
do not impose work that he does not like - if you see that he does not like to wash dishes, then replace it with something more pleasant;
do not load it immediately as soon as he comes home from work - give him a little rest after a hard day;
do not blame him for doing something wrong - on the contrary, unobtrusively help him or do something together so that he understands how to do it next time.

What to do if your husband doesn't help?

Many women suffer, believing that this is impossible. However, objectively this task is simpler than it seems.

What is needed for this?

Step 1. Awareness of the cause. Try to understand why your husband doesn’t want to help you? Which of the reasons listed above affects it?

Step 2: Change your focus. As an experiment, try to pay attention to what your husband does well. For example, your husband makes perfect pancakes for breakfast, but he rarely does it. Tell him how much you appreciate his help, that his pancakes are the only breakfast that the child always eats with pleasure. This will give your husband the motivation to prepare breakfast for the whole family much more often.

Step 3. Stop claims! The fact is that men perceive claims and criticism as an attack. The husband knows that he was wrong, he feels ashamed, but he cannot admit his guilt, so he defends himself, and instead of repentance and help, you receive a portion of negativity addressed to you. Therefore, it is much more effective to replace a reproach with a request. For example: “Oh, cool, you made soup and fed the children! You are my hero today! Please wash the plates before they dry out.”

Step 4: Ask directly. But not with a claim and resentment, but from the position of a fragile, tired woman. Usually men respond quite constructively to requests, but there are aggravating circumstances. Asking for help becomes unbearably difficult if:

grievances have accumulated in your relationship with your husband;
you have a strong feeling that you are not important to your husband, since he does not offer help himself;
you are scared or unpleasant at the thought that your husband will refuse your request or make a dissatisfied face, or even attack with criticism in response.

But even if this is so, then such a negative attitude of the husband can be successfully changed! In the training “How to help your husband become the best dad in the world,” I give a step-by-step algorithm on how to influence your husband’s negative attitude towards requests so that he helps you with more pleasure.

Step 5. Model situations of success. Observe what your husband does well - go for a walk with the child, cook dinner, keep the children busy while you take a bath. At first, involve him in helping in precisely those situations that could potentially end in success. This will give him the feeling that he is able to cope in an area where he is obviously weaker than you. After all, nothing motivates success like success.

Step 6. Expand the scope of tasks that you can share with your husband. When your husband successfully masters walking with a stroller, ask him to feed the baby. When he begins to cope with feeding, involve him in changing the baby. Then ask to put your child to bed. So, step by step, your husband will master more and more skills in caring for a child, and, after a while, you can safely leave them alone for several hours, or even the whole day.

Step 7: Give thanks for any help. But you also need to praise correctly; the usual “thank you, well done” is not the motivation that will make your husband want to help you again.
For praise to sound sincere and inspiring, you need to praise according to the formula: positive consequences + the husband’s actions that caused them. For example: “My son is so happy that you took him fishing with you!”, or “I am very pleased that you prepared lunch today.”

Extreme measures

In particularly difficult cases, when your husband continues to ignore your requests for help, you can resort to an ultimatum. If he won't do anything around the house, then neither will you. Stop cooking for him, washing, cleaning, do only what you need: cook for one person, wash only your own things, and so on.

Another option is to tell your husband that if he does not want to help with the housework, then you will have to hire a maid. And you will pay her from your husband’s funds. Material expenses should make a man move.

Family well-being is the fruit of the efforts of two people: both the wife and the husband. Carrying all the everyday problems and responsibilities on yourself means dooming yourself to endless fatigue. You need to not be shy and tell your spouse that it’s hard for you to cope with everything alone, and resolve everyday disagreements together.

What to do, what to do?

There are many ways to solve this problem. But at the same time, an integrated approach, discussion, and the ability to hear each other are required. Women need to understand that men may not want sex either.

Solution:

Sit down at the negotiating table. Listen and understand each other, even if it is difficult and incomprehensible for everyone. It is important to remember that trust, mutual understanding and frank conversation can lead a married couple to a new life. The main thing is to understand where the problem is, and you can always find the key to solving it.
Help from a psychologist. It so happens that family troubles are rarely brought to the attention of outsiders. However, many families were saved solely due to the intervention of specialists. Do not think that this problem is individual and can be solved within the family circle. Timely advice will help you correctly understand your loved one, look at the situation from the outside and make the right decision.
Healthy lifestyle, proper nutrition, physical activity. This is exactly the set that any man, without exception, should follow in order to save his family, have a fulfilling sex life, and enjoy life.