What to do if no one wants to listen to me and does not understand: answers from psychologists

What should I do if my parents don't believe in me? How can I make them support me, be proud of me, take me seriously?

Parental criticism knows how to hit the most painful and vulnerable places. It just so happened - our parents were the first to evaluate us, the first to praise and scold us.

Parental opinion is always important, and the lack of parental support very often frustrates us, demotivates us, and pulls the rug from under our feet. If they don't believe in me, how can I believe in myself?

Be honest and open with your parents

The first option for dealing with parental skepticism (the most obvious option, but not the easiest) is to be honest with your parents about your experiences.

“Mom, your words hurt me. I'm offended that you don't want to hear about my plans to the end. It hurts me that you are skeptical about my projects.”

“Dad, it’s very important for me that you support me - tell me that I can do everything, and if I can’t, then nothing bad will happen.”

Very often it turns out that our parents sincerely do not notice that their words are offensive and hurt. It is not easy for everyone to guess the feelings of another, even if this other is your own child. It seemed like he wanted to help, to suggest, but it turned out to be offensive.

How to start believing in yourself

Only that faith helps that is based on real facts.
You can only evaluate yourself correctly when you have real achievements, knowledge or skills. Just believing is not enough, you need to be able to do something. Therefore, choose an area where you will develop and start improving yourself. Read books, watch trainings and seminars, practice something. And at some point you will become an expert in this field. It is the understanding that you understand well that will give strong faith. Of course, the process will take some time, but it is important that it happens. Start reading books with success stories. This helps a lot to strengthen your position. You will learn how others went towards their goal, how they made efforts. Such publications contain a lot of useful advice that can be applied in practice. And understanding that someone succeeded will help you also go through this path.

Stop looking for flaws in yourself. There are no perfect people; everyone has weaknesses. But you need to develop your virtues, make them brighter and more in demand, and not think about what doesn’t work out. Some people know how to speak in public, some are well versed in technology, some manage to create beauty with their hands. You don’t need to be a master in all areas, it’s only important to perfectly master one thing that brings you pleasure and works best.

Try finding support elsewhere

It also happens that it is not possible to get support from parents - frank conversations lead nowhere, or even provoke new attacks of criticism.

In such cases, I encourage clients to look around for people who can support them. These could be relatives from the immediate circle - brothers or sisters, uncles or aunts, grandparents. These could be friends, classmates, fellow students, teachers and mentors, members of interest groups, participants in professional chats.

As a rule, there are many options. We often want to get recognition from our parents so much that we forget about other possibilities. The difference between the world of adults and the world of children is that our world is no longer limited by parents. The world has grown - it has become huge, truly endless. There is a place for everything in this world, including our ambitious plans.

What to do if you don't have support?

No support!

Sooner or later, every person finds himself in this situation, everyone in one way or another, rarely or often.

First, you need to separate the terms “no support” and “no help.” They are similar, but still different. Support is solidarity with a person who has entered the Path (consciously or not) and is experiencing moral and often physical difficulties along the way. Yes, a person deprived of support may find himself in a state in which he will need help, but we are not talking about that now.

Let me give you an example: You can help a tramp by buying him something to eat, but not support him on the path of asocialization. You can help a person, but not share his beliefs.

Help is an act of humanism, support is internal solidarity, inclusion, approval.

It is precisely this solidarity, expressed in a kind word, in a smile and silent approval, in an atmosphere of like-mindedness that we all need so much and almost always cannot find it. If this is not the case for you, you are lucky.

Often even close people are unwilling or unable to support us in our endeavors; they criticize us, deprive us of choice, devalue us, or simply show indifference.

What should you do if tonight you acutely felt that no one in this world, by and large, is “for you”?

Most likely at this moment you have exhausted your physical resource. Tired, stressed, or even nervously exhausted. Rest, sleep, eat. Right now, allow yourself to be idle for a clearly measured period of time. Just do nothing for 15-20 minutes.
Take care of your body. Anything will do: running, jumping rope, yoga and breathing exercises. After all, no one will support us better than our own body.
Realize that you are NOT alone. Millions of people feel the feeling of being unsupported right now. May you not be so lonely. Some are even worse...
Whatever path you choose, it is always the path of a loner, even if other people are nearby for a while. If there are no other people nearby, most likely you are ahead.. You may not feel it at the moment, but this is the honest truth. Any path is always a personal choice. And personal responsibility. And if you follow your own path, in some ways you will always be ahead of others. Get ready, they will envy you. Unpleasant, but not fatal. It is always easier to devalue something than to achieve or do something better than others.
It's okay to make mistakes. You won't find your way without mistakes. It’s trite, but those who do nothing make no mistakes. Be afraid, but do it, don't stop.
You are a descendant of millions of your ancestors who suffered and died so that you could live. You are the crown of evolution at this moment. So what else do you need to move on?
Realize that only someone who has gone through a lot and achieved a lot can support you. They share out of generosity, not out of scarcity. Maybe those who are next to you at the moment have even less strength. Try to look for people who are capable of support, people who have resources.
Believe in your idea. Create within yourself a simple but unbreakable structure of faith. Find ironclad arguments and convince yourself. Your path = your deep meaning. Every person needs faith, no matter what it is.

And finally, a little esotericism (which is not so esoteric after all, if you listen carefully to scientists). The human body consists of matter ejected by the Big Bang; the energy that fills us is similar to the energy of the stars. The Universe is aware of and studying itself through our eyes. What more support can you expect and crave?

Peace for everyone

PS. If you are confused in relationships and life, and this article did not answer all your questions, describe the situation on the wall of the VKontakte group and receive a personal analysis and recommendations.

We also have inexpensive consultations with a qualified psychologist in Moscow, a psychologist in Shchelkovo, a psychologist in Chkalovsky in person or a psychologist via Skype anywhere in the world. Diagnostics is free. Convenient and strictly confidential.

Author of the article: psychologist Artem Kirmichi

Admit your anger and resentment towards your parents

Sometimes it turns out that there is a lot of anger at your parents who don’t believe in you and laugh at your plans and hopes. So much that this anger interferes with your life: it prevents you from enjoying work and communication, it does not allow you to dream, it often occupies your thoughts and has become obsessive.

This happens when the wounds inflicted by parents are deep and have not yet healed. Alas, parental cruelty - physical and moral violence - is not uncommon.

It is this unexpressed, unlived, unvented anger that has accumulated inside that makes you passionately desire recognition from your parents. Psychologists call this phenomenon the Zeigarnik effect. Unfinished actions are best remembered - in this case, what is most disturbing is what was not received - what you are entitled to, and what you could not get in childhood.

There are different ways to work with such anger. If we talk about self-support techniques that can be done without a psychologist, the easiest way is to write an honest and angry letter to your parents (no need to send it). List all your grievances in this letter, tell us about the pain that your parents caused you. After this, the letter can be burned or torn.

Why is this happening

Self-doubt, loss of motivation, falls - every person encounters these monsters on the path to success, and this is normal. But people who directly or covertly express doubts about your abilities only add fuel to the fire.

And many do this not even because they really don’t believe in you or worry about your peace of mind in case of failure, but simply because they are afraid of change.

Every achievement transforms us a little. The greater the success, the greater the change. And people, as you know, are afraid of new things. They are comfortable communicating and living with one person, and if you succeed, you will definitely change, so for them it is better to leave everything as before.

Because of this trait, the path to success is never easy, and many people crumble under pressure. But those who, despite advice and persuasion, went towards their dreams and changed, often notice that it is difficult for them to communicate with their old friends.

Here everyone is faced with a choice. On the one hand, you decide to make changes because you are not satisfied with the current state of affairs. On the other hand, you love your family and friends so much that you would like to take them with you to the next level, but this is impossible, and you have to, on the contrary, abandon them. And it doesn't matter how sad you are. The choice is really hard.

When you need specialist help

If you feel that parental rejection and lack of support is tormenting you, and no matter how much you try to solve this problem, you cannot, then perhaps it makes sense to seek professional help.

The topic of relationships with parents is an eternal topic in psychotherapy. You've probably read about this many times, and it sounds corny, but having a painful relationship with your parents often affects how a person navigates their adult life.

By exploring these topics with a psychologist, you can soften your feelings about your childhood, learn new ways to interact with your parents, understand and forgive them (or, conversely, decide never to communicate with them again).

I know from my own experience and from the experience of my clients that psychological consultations help a lot here.

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“That’s it, there’s no family - we don’t even watch movies together anymore” (before, during the summer season, we had a tradition of watching our favorite films with the whole family every evening) or: “Give up this business - go back to a normal job, where you get paid and where you have every chance to succeed!”

Friends, think, maybe your “well-wishers” have similar thoughts? And they are simply afraid that you prefer your business to them, stop caring about them and, most importantly, stop appreciating them

Such situations often occur in families with small children: husbands begin to be jealous of their wives for their children (by the way, this did not happen to us).

Write in the comments what you think about this, okay? I am very interested in your opinions, since situations are different and not everyone can be summed up under the same line.

In the meantime, I’ll tell you how you can influence our “well-wishers.”

The most important thing is not to try to prove, foaming at the mouth, that you have the right to your interests, are not obliged to report, and so on. There is no need to prove anything at all.

Try to tell your “well-wisher” how you really feel (anger is already a consequence, a defensive reaction): that your activity is very important to you, that you believe in it. Say that it is not enough for you to be a wife, mother, daughter, son - you need self-realization in another matter. And also that you need support. Ask to listen to you. And treat your feelings with understanding (namely feelings , not the case itself).

Irina often writes about this in her answers. Other psychologists often talk about this, including the one I go to.

Personally, this ultimately helped me achieve my goal: my dad slowly started giving me books on SEO, dropping interesting links on my topic, etc. Of course, sometimes he starts up an old song, but much less often and softer.

I really hope that this heart-to-heart conversation will help you too. In any case, tell us about your experience - it will be interesting and useful to discuss different points of view!

Human faith: what do we believe?

An extremely sensitive and undoubtedly discussed topic more than once is human faith. What do we believe? Haven't you asked yourself this question? After all, faiths can be different: someone can believe in God, someone in success at work, and someone in a bottle of vodka (unfortunately, this is so). Let's try to figure out what we believe in and why we need it.

Faith is the recognition of something as a true, undoubted fact.

We do not need evidence that this or that circumstance exists, we simply believe that it is so. Faith is determined by the characteristics of the human psyche, because often in difficult situations we turn to it. Faith also serves as a regulator of behavior, because unconditional acceptance of someone’s judgments, attitudes, belief in certain phenomena, yes, even our own conclusions, which we take on faith, are often reflected in our behavior. A simple example: if a person believes in his success, he will do everything he can to achieve it. If there is no faith, then, of course, there will be no progress.

What do we believe? The first thing a person believes is the existence of a Higher Power.

All religions are based on the existence of some Higher Power, be it God, Allah, Buddha, Jehovah or its other personifications (let's not be ignorant, and let's respect all religions).
It is human nature to believe in a Higher Power, since this faith makes life easier for him.
After all, often, in the problems of worldly vanity, we turn to the Almighty for advice, and often this makes us feel better. And the canons and rules written in the Holy Books make life easier for a person, making it more moral and socially suitable. However, differences in religions often lead to conflicts and even wars, although religions themselves teach that war is bad.

People also believe in people.

This faith, unfortunately, is one of the most unreliable and disappointing.
We often “shift” our lives into the hands of other people, we believe in them that they will help us, will not deceive us, and will treat us well. Such a life with rose-colored glasses gives us pleasure and frees us from responsibility for our own lives, but what actually happens: we are betrayed, deceived, and cause us pain. We must learn to take responsibility for our own lives, and not place it on others.
After all, OUR life belongs only to us, and to no one else, and you should never rely entirely on other people. Belief in morality.

We believe that we must act well, morally, be honest and wish only the best for people, otherwise we will be punished.
This faith is aimed at satisfying social needs, where morality serves as the law and paramount value. Thanks to this faith, people behave morally, legally, correctly, and this saves them and society from many problems, such as banditry, murder, robbery.
Therefore, it is not only possible to believe in this, but also necessary, if you want to live a civilized life surrounded by other people. Believe in yourself.

Perhaps the most important type of faith.
When we believe in ourselves, in our strengths, in our success, then we try in every possible way to make it happen. Self-confidence often serves as a motivator for our behavior.
And when there is a motive, then naturally you want to do something, and this is very important in everyday life, when the reluctance to do something, to develop, to move forward is tantamount to death. Of course, this is just a small list of what a person believes. We believe in many things, and it is easier for us to live, regardless of the direction of faith. It is best for yourself to choose a creative faith, and not a fatalistic one that leads to death. However, this is a personal matter for everyone. Only you can decide what to believe, friends, and what not. The main thing to remember is to live in such a way that after your death, people can remember only good things about you. Good luck!