How to stop imposing on your friend - 3 ways (part 1)

What is the difference between an assertive and an obsessive person?

What does "obsessive person" mean? Persistence means that a person tries with all his might to achieve some big goals, shows his activity and tries to attract others with him. Obsessiveness does not imply the presence of global goals and leadership; its task is to impose itself, that is, to hang on a specific person.

This is what irritates others in obsessive people - the desire to push the personal boundaries of others in order to solve some of their own personal problems. An obsessive person does not understand that he is hanging on to another. People are not inclined to think that they are bad, and are often unable to evaluate their activities from the outside.

Normal human activity usually has a completely different vector. It is used not to attack another, but to carry one along with oneself, one’s goal. Healthy activity and passion tend to give additional energy to others.

In general, everything in communication is quite simple. When they try to take something away from you, for example, energy, it’s annoying. But the desire of another person to give you something is perceived positively. The laws are the same as in the sandbox.

Although for adults everything is much more complicated than for children. There are two types of obsessive people. Some stick to solve their problems. Others try to help, want good, without even thinking that their help is not needed at all. In fact, it turns out that it is the obsessive who benefits by taking away the energy of the one he is trying to help. Due to this, he asserts himself and feels stronger.

The person who suffers from obsession tends not to understand or notice that he is obsessive. He believes that he is active and wants to help at any cost. He sincerely does not understand why his activity does not please others.

Activity is good, it attracts and delights. Just don’t bother others with her. Especially if you don’t know the person well, and he hasn’t had time to like you. It is better to focus your activity on some other activity, and if he is interested in your goal, he will be happy to join.

How can I tell if I'm being used?

Something went wrong

If something goes against the natural properties of our psyche, we experience discomfort and blame other people for it. It seems that the modern metropolis is a bundle of tension; all the human wiring in it can sparkle in an instant for any reason.

And if you look at it, we each get angry and irritated about our own things - which means that the wires in the bundle of nerves can be untangled and protected from fire.

Behind the screen of irritation, everyone has their own spectrum of emotions, determined by a set of vectors:

• skinners - really get irritated and angry;
• owners of the anal vector are offended, do not have time and fall into a stupor;
• urethrals - angry;
• muscular people - endure, but if the cup overflows, they can feel rage;
• spectators are ironic and look down upon in a snobbish manner;
• sound workers - they feel like the smartest, and hide from the “bunch of idiots” in solitude; worsening of the condition can grow into hatred towards people.

At the root, there is hostility from the fact that someone thinks and does not do what we want.

How can you get rid of persecution without offending?

First of all, the interlocutor needs to carefully hint that he is slightly overstepping the boundaries and is too imposing his views. There are two ways to do this:

• smoothly change the topic of conversation and repeat this trick every time the interlocutor becomes obsessive again;
• try to shift the conversation to some general topic in which there is no opportunity to advise or express a personal opinion.

If these methods do not help, then move on to the next step: show your interlocutor that he is annoying and annoying with his behavior. Behave as tactfully as possible; you should not immediately be rude or say that the person annoyed you with his presence.

Try the following methods:

1. Depending on the place of communication, set a deadline for ending the meeting. Specify the time of your or his departure. For example, say that you have a visit to the sports club in an hour. You can simulate receiving a phone call or message, thereby justifying your quick departure.
2. Stock up on a set of polite excuses that will help you get rid of unpleasant communication as quickly as possible in such situations.
3. You can agree with your friends to save you from an annoying interlocutor under the pretext of urgent matters.
4. If he still doesn’t understand that they are already tired of him, he needs to say so directly. For example: “Sorry, we started talking, I have to go”

Situational causes of irritability

People become irritable due to many factors, ranging from physiological to incorrect psychological attitudes. It is a big mistake to believe that irritability is associated solely with a person’s personality.

Our psyche is closely connected with our body. The processes that take place in our body directly affect our mental well-being. For any positive changes in the psyche, it is necessary to carry out systematic work. This is not only doing psychological work, but also changing a person’s entire life, his way of interacting with the world. The solution to any psychological problem, in this case irritability, must begin to normalize the functioning of the whole organism.

Irritability and health

Irritability can appear when something is seriously wrong in our body. Intoxication of the body, obstructed blood circulation, exhaustion of the nervous system - all this can lead to an increase in irritability.

Therefore, if a person suddenly, literally in just a few months, has become significantly more irritable, then just in case, you should check his health. I won’t write any examples of illnesses here so as not to intimidate the reader, but if irritability is also accompanied by rapid fatigue, then you should definitely check your health.

Irritability and lifestyle

Lifestyle directly affects our physical and mental health. The resources of our psyche depend on our lifestyle: the ability to cope with stress, the ability to concentrate, our ability to correctly assess the situation, the level of irritability and much more. Therefore, in order to stop being irritated, you first need to normalize your lifestyle.

What is a normal lifestyle?

I understand that what I will write below may be difficult in itself, but if you do this, many problems will go away, not just irritability. This will significantly improve your quality of life. I write about this in many articles.

1. The first thing to do is to stop poisoning your body with alcohol, cigarettes and other substances that are unnecessary for our body. Many people do not know, but, for example, alcohol greatly affects the ability of the psyche to recover during sleep. According to some studies, a person under the influence of alcohol does not have a REM sleep phase. Even a single consumption of alcohol leads to a decrease in cognitive functions within 3-5 days, not to mention the toxic effect on the brain. Smoking has a constant depressing effect on the entire body as a whole, including on the psyche. People who smoke and drink alcohol regularly (more than once a month) are much more irritable, not to mention other negative consequences.
2. The second thing you should pay attention to is your sleep pattern. Optimal for most people is 8 hours of sleep from 10 pm to 6 am. This ensures the highest quality rest and restoration of the body. If you feel irritability, decreased ability to concentrate, or laziness, then normalizing your sleep will help you.
3. Normalization of nutrition. Normal nutrition is approximately what they feed in a kindergarten, army, hospital (of course, if there is a normal supply), plus a large amount of vegetables and fruits. Remove sweets from your life (except fruits).
4. Physical activity and fresh air. Our psyche is closely connected with our body. Sport not only gives us excellent physical well-being, but also significantly increases the activation of our nervous system. Physical activity improves mood and performance.

These 4 points are the basis on which a normal and productive life is built. This is also necessary in order to stop being irritated. I understand that it can be difficult to bring all this into your life, but I recommend starting with this, slowly pulling yourself up. Any work on yourself requires energy. If a person has the wrong lifestyle, then he will not have the strength to change.

How does obsession manifest itself in relationships?

In close relationships, the desire to help and care is quite natural. But it is important to remember that even here one should not cross boundaries and turn attention into intrusiveness.

Different people have different needs for communication. While a certain level of closeness and mutual assistance is normal for one person, it may be too much for another.

For example, if an introvert wants to be alone, then the extrovert may think that he has become uninteresting and immediately begins to develop vigorous activity. Obsession threatens the existence of both friendly and romantic relationships. To avoid the risk of destroying a close relationship for this reason, consider the signs of obsession.

The best ways to deal with anxiety and increased suspiciousness

Signs

The main problem of an annoying person is that he does not understand the error of his behavior. And the partner, not wanting to offend his loved one, also does not talk about the problem directly. But it’s hard to endure this for a long time, so the relationship ends quickly.

Signs of an obsessive person:

1. Control. The partner asks in detail how the day went, reads emails without asking, and asks who called after each phone call. If a loved one plans to spend time without him, he is offended, demanding to take him with him even to business meetings and corporate events.
2. Fear of loneliness. The persistent desire to spend time together is the result of the fear of losing a loved one. Such a person constantly needs words of love and actions that confirm deep feelings.
3. Lack of independence. A person cannot make decisions on his own and on any basic issues he involves a partner, supposedly to help.

From the women's side

If we talk about the tandem of a man and a woman in a relationship, then, of course, women are more prone to importunity. This is explained by psychological characteristics and needs.

So, at the beginning of a relationship, a man tries with all his might to win the desired woman. He gives flowers, gifts, compliments and shows his attention in other ways. A man often calls, looking for a meeting and communication. But then the relationship turns into a close one and the partners begin life together. For a man, this means that the goal has been achieved. His priorities change. He simply moves from the conqueror stage to the breadwinner stage. This does not mean at all that he has fallen out of love. It’s just that now he doesn’t consider all the fuss that was in the process of conquest expedient. He needs peace.

A woman always needs attention. She needs to prove and show her love in words and deeds. During the breadwinner phase, a woman begins to wonder: what happened, why did he become different, did he stop loving? She tries to participate more actively in his life: she is interested in his affairs, wants to always be there, and feels the need for constant close communication. A woman in love is not satisfied with just intimacy; she constantly needs signs of attention: flowers, messages declaring her love. She can call, write and initiate meetings herself.

But it’s important to remember that men don’t like this, they love freedom. And if a girl shows signs of obsession even at the dating stage, then a man may see this as evidence of her poor upbringing and availability.

Therefore, it is worth controlling your behavior and consciously giving your partner more freedom.

From the men's side

Men tend to be importunate precisely at the stage of courting a girl, that is, at the stage of conquest. Of course, attention is pleasant, persistence will only confirm strong feelings. If a man is not interesting, then his obsession, if not scare off the girl, will definitely annoy her.

Although in general women will be flattered by some persistence in the process of conquest, the main thing is not to overdo it. If a girl refuses to date again and again, then you shouldn’t continue trying. Excessive assertiveness will only completely push away your beloved.

After entering into a relationship or marriage, the courtship and attention of a normal man ceases to be intrusive. The continuation of such behavior indicates some psychological problems: jealousy, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, the desire to control a loved one.

To form and maintain normal relationships, you should not strive too hard for attention. There is no need to demand an immediate response to gifts or pleasant surprises. Give her a little time to respond, she also needs to think, evaluate her feelings and weigh everything.

Learn to speak confidently

Sometimes it's hard to say no just because you don't know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you are afraid that it may sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to refuse without offending anyone.

Here are some simple statements to get you started:

• Right now (this week/this month) I can't do it.
• I have too many other things to do right now.
• Thanks for the invitation, but I can't at this time.
• I won’t be able to go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it went.
• Perhaps another time. I would be glad to have an invitation next week.
• Sounds great, but no, thanks.

How to fight?

1. You need to calm down and try to accept the situation. It is important to realize that men and women have some psychological differences. The need for intensity of communication is also individual for everyone. You can’t lose yourself in your partner and live only for him: reduce the number of SMS and phone calls, let your other half breathe. Instead of imposing your company on your loved one, do something of your own: a new hobby, meeting with friends.
2. Consider your partner's wishes. You shouldn’t object and try to go together if your husband suddenly wants to go hunting or fishing this weekend. Wish him a good time and relax yourself. You can meet with friends or visit your parents. Understand that such a short separation will only benefit your relationship. The husband will return filled with new energy and emotions. Just don’t need to meticulously ask him upon arrival what happened there and how.
3. Wait for a response. Imagine you are playing catch. You have taken one step, that is, throwing the ball, and to continue the game you need to wait for the ball to be thrown back. According to the rules, you cannot throw balls at your partner, this is already an obsession. Yes, and there is only one ball. Invited to take a walk and wait. The answer may be delayed for various reasons: the person is busy, sick, or not ready to communicate. This must be respected.
4. Don't blame yourself. If a partner has lost interest, then the relationship cannot be saved by obsession. It's not your fault that other people's feelings faded away. It is also impossible to force love. You will only embarrass yourself by imposing your company. It is also worth understanding that not all people are ready for marriage or a serious relationship. Therefore, it is better to learn to recognize signs of loss of interest in advance. This could be rudeness or constant disregard for your feelings and desires. It is better to end such relationships yourself.
5. Agree on some kind of conventional sign that should stop you when crossing borders. This could be, for example, the phrase “I’m busy.” These words should show that it’s time for you to stop active actions and give your partner a little freedom: don’t call or write until he gets in touch.

How to learn to build personal boundaries

Set adequate boundaries with the outside world

One of the hardest things about achieving inner independence is being able to say no to things you really don't want to do without feeling selfish, guilty, or overly concerned about how the other person will react.

At work, I used to often agree to do tasks that were not part of my responsibilities and required time that I did not have. But one day I decided to give up and see what happens. Surprisingly, absolutely nothing happened. I just started talking out loud about my needs, and no one was against it.

Sarah Fabian

Realize that you are saying no to a task or proposal, not to a person by rejecting him. You can't really disappoint anyone. People are disappointed in their own expectations of you. And this is their area of ​​responsibility, not yours.

When you agree or reject a request that makes you uncomfortable, you shape how others view you. And you decide for yourself whether to allow someone to take advantage of you. And whether to assign yourself the responsibility of entertaining people and making them happy.

Whenever you give time to others, you are giving them a part of your life. So spend your precious time on people who support you and accept you for who you are. Setting boundaries in relationships can feel like selfishness. In reality, it is a form of self-respect and self-care.

How to get rid of obsession in a relationship yourself?

As we have already understood, low self-esteem along with the fear of losing a loved one can be common reasons for obsession. The more unsuccessful relationships there have been in the past, the stronger the desire to preserve the current ones at any cost.

To avoid such scenarios, you need to work on your self-confidence and self-esteem. You need to understand that you can be happy without a partner. You need to believe in yourself, feel your integrity. This alone can fill you with energy and attract the right people into your life.

Useful tips on how to stop being obsessive:

1. 
   Find a hobby. Firstly, it will distract you from constantly thinking about your loved one and the desire to call or write. You will not be bored, as you will be busy with interesting things. Secondly, a new activity will make you more interesting to people and increase your self-esteem.

2. Talk to people. If your social circle consists of one person and this is your loved one, then it will be difficult for you. Naturally, all your attention is directed to him, and he will suffer from this. Try to distribute your need for communication among different people: organize a picnic, go to the cinema with a friend, sign up for some courses, meet new people.
3. Relationships should not be perceived as a need. If you're single right now, that's okay. There is just an opportunity to analyze your desires and make plans for the future. The time will come and you will find your soul mate. It is not necessary to strive at any cost to find a partner as soon as possible.
4. Trust. Intrusiveness is perceived as mistrust, and this destroys relationships. It’s better to speak openly about your suspicions and discuss the situation than to offend with constant questions “Where were you?”, “Why did it take so long?”

The most important thing is to love yourself. This will affect self-esteem and self-confidence, which is important in the fight against obsession. To build a healthy relationship, first of all, you need to work on yourself. This will give you the power that will definitely attract “that” person into your life.

Become your own best friend

Stop expecting other people to make you happy and to second-guess your needs and desires. Make yourself a priority. Do what brings you joy.

Loving yourself as a person is not selfishness, but a necessity. Get rid of negative evaluative statements about yourself: “I’m stupid,” “I’m too fat,” “I’m ruining everything.” Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Then external praise will become an organic bonus, and not a life goal.

Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life - day and night, year after year - is yourself. And when you are in a harmonious relationship with yourself, you don't need other people to fill the holes in your self-esteem.