Appropriateness of Ignoring
For example, the mother-in-law responded somehow rudely to her daughter-in-law’s question. It is worth considering whether this is typical behavior or whether the person is tired, irritated and out of control of his behavior. If the latter, then why focus attention on this and respond to aggression with aggression. It would be wiser to ignore the rudeness. But if this is the norm for the above-mentioned mother-in-law and she consciously leads to conflict, then there is a problematic situation that needs to be resolved in order for normal communication to be possible. It is strongly recommended not to ignore serious problems. By moving away from them, you will not be able to find a solution, which means they will remain and over time will acquire unnecessary facts that will further clog up the situation.
The same mother-in-law, for some reason dissatisfied with her daughter-in-law, will continue to use rudeness and involve other members of the family circle in the conflict until the daughter-in-law’s strength fades away. The result is a huge scandal or, worse, the quiet withering of the daughter-in-law due to fear of a frank conversation and solving the problem with her mother-in-law. The reason for ignoring serious problems can be banal fear: fear of failure, fear of losing time and money while solving a problem.
What is neglect?
The word neglect translated from English means “to neglect”, “not to pay attention”, “not to fulfill a duty”.
There is confusion with this term in the scientific literature, since two different meanings have been assigned to it. In neurophysiology, neglect is understood as a violation of the perception of one’s own body, expressed in “falling out” of the left or right side from the field of vision, and in social psychology - as a form of psychological violence in the form of neglect of the needs, interests and personality of the victim (we will talk about the second meaning) .
The study of neglect as a type of violence was initially conducted in the context of child-parent interaction. Child neglect is the systematic disregard by adults of a child's physical or emotional needs, which leads to long-term damage to his physical or psychological health.
For example, a son complains of a headache, but his parents brush him off: there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re still young. As a result, the child receives medical care only when the pain becomes completely unbearable. If its cause lay, for example, in hemorrhage or cerebral ischemia, lost time can lead to irreversible brain damage, disability and even death.
The reluctance of parents to allocate time for emotional communication and games with the child, or to make efforts to enroll in an educational institution, or to solve emerging problems, etc. - all these are also examples of parental neglect.
Now neglect is understood more broadly, and its victims can be recognized not only by children, but also by adults in vulnerable situations: pregnant women, mothers of infants, elderly people, patients in hospital institutions, etc. A common feature of such people is their temporary or constant dependence on others due to loss of employment and sometimes incapacity.
Negligence differs from occasional blunders or healthy border defense in the following ways:
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systematic neglect of responsibilities: “brushing aside” requests and dissatisfaction with the vital needs of a person dependent on a drug addict occurs constantly and is passed off as the norm;
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causing real damage or harm to the victim: neglect over and over again worsens the physical or psychological health of the dependent person, increases his economic lack of freedom, destroys social ties, etc.;
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a shift in the focus of responsibility: the neglecter does not admit his own guilt in what is happening, shifting it onto those around him or the victim himself.
Negligence manifests itself not only in close relationships: the rude treatment of doctors with patients in a hospital inpatient department is also hidden violence.
Doctors and medical staff may refuse pain relief to patients (“you’re not supposed to!”); not fulfill simple everyday requests: give drinking water or make the bed (“I’ll run to everyone!”); restrict freedom of movement (“it’s forbidden to leave the room!”), etc.
The workers of the medical institution do not feel guilty, explaining what is happening to various circumstances: orders from management, excessive workload, “wrong” behavior of the patients themselves.
However, each of these actions (or inactions), although not violating job descriptions, is actually violence and leads to increased stress and deterioration in the health of people already weakened by illness.
It turns out that neglect is a form of violence in which a person with power and obligations systematically refuses to satisfy the vital needs of a person dependent on him, does not provide the support and assistance he needs, and does not recognize his responsibility in the current situation.
Ignoring Matrix
Keen Mellor and Eric Sigmund once developed a scheme for matrix determination of the degree and object of ignoring. Three different criteria are considered: level, area, type.
In this case, four levels of ignoring are considered. This:
— presence of opportunity (a person ignores the presence of opportunities to solve the problem as a whole);
— its significance (understanding that a solution exists, but denying its effectiveness in advance);
— change in opportunities (understanding that a solution exists, but refusing to apply it in advance);
— personal abilities (impossibility of implementing a possible solution due to a personal unacceptable attitude towards such a method).
There are three areas of ignoring: “I”, other people, the situation.
Types of ignoring - incentive, opportunity and problem.
Using these three criteria, a matrix is obtained:
Using this matrix, it is possible to detect at what level the problem is being ignored and influence the person accordingly to encourage them to find a solution to the problem. The search for the “hearth” should start from the top row, the leftmost cell, and then go down diagonally.
Protection methods
To protect yourself from the negative consequences of ignoring, you need to:
- Analyze your relationship with someone who ignores you. Perhaps a similar trend in communication has always been observed, but only now it was possible to notice the flaws. You can try talking to the person who has started to ignore you.
- Communicate calmly. It is important to calm down, discard obsessive thoughts about your own guilt, and find joint solutions to the current situation.
- Avoid using child protective mechanisms. There is no point in being offended, taking revenge, or making others guilty. To continue communication, it is important to find the cause of the problem and deal with it.
You also need to pay attention to your reaction to being ignored. If it is negative, with aggression, it is better to reconsider your behavior and change your approach.
“Ignore” is useful when...
The man is incredibly stupid. Yes, you didn’t back down, you decided to act, you give reasonable arguments and explanations, but your opponent simply doesn’t understand them. You struggle with the problem for a day, a week, a month, citing all the old and new facts, but there is no result. Is it worth spending even more time and effort or is it better to withdraw?
The person is inadequate. If you delve into the essence of the nonsense pouring out of your opponent’s mouth, it will only clog your own brain and ruin your mood. A grandmother who clings to a young man in a minibus with stories about how he looks inappropriate and a fountain of words about how it was “in my time” can be ignored. Without receiving a response to her passionate speeches, she will lose interest. In a free society, everyone has the right to look however they want. If a guy wants ripped jeans, let him wear them, or at least put on a skirt. It's his choice.
The problem is insignificant, and focusing on it can lead to a negative result. The child used a “bad” word. The first time you should ignore this, because without seeing any reaction from the parents, the child may simply lose interest in this word. But if this happens constantly, it is worth solving the problem through a calm conversation using different techniques, depending on the child’s age.
Goals of psychological influence on a person
Mental influence on a person has its goal - the desire to force a person to consciously or unconsciously obey certain guidelines, norms, laws or requirements.
The director in a team of subordinates, using psychological techniques to influence his interlocutor, has his goal - to unite people or give them food for thought and action for the benefit of the company in which they work.
The psychological influence of parents on their children implies the goal of raising them to be good, well-mannered and law-abiding citizens.
Parents know how to psychologically influence their child, for example, to make him laugh
The psychological impact of advertising is aimed at making people buy one or another advertised product, vote for the right candidate, or watch a movie on which a lot of money has been spent, and they need to be returned as soon as possible.
Techniques for influencing people do not always involve following a good idea. This can be seen in the example of suicide bombers. After all, these people were subjected to suggestion, processing and hypnosis in order to destroy their own kind. Together with the mass of people they kill, they themselves die. And this is contrary to human nature. Consequently, with the help of psychological influence, you can radically change a person’s worldview, make him a puppet in the wrong hands and force him to act contrary to common sense.
As already mentioned, any psychological impact fully affects people who are insecure. Literate, educated and self-confident individuals are difficult to suggest, infect and persuade.
Don't overdo it. Moderation is important everywhere
Ignoring is the oldest type of emotional abuse, but it should not be taken to its even older “brother” – indifference. You can get so caught up in keeping your distance from problems that you really don't care. For example, the father’s constant ignoring of problems at home - at first because of fatigue, and then out of habit, but they no longer bother him, “let his wife sort it out.” Yes, those around you will be able to find a solution themselves, and it is not a fact that it will satisfy you. But you won't care anymore.
Response options
Psychologists identify several options for responses to being ignored:
- Displaying aggression, attracting attention by any means (including immoral). The stronger the ignore, the more terrible and reckless the actions of the ignored person can be.
- Closedness. An individual who has begun to be ignored can temporarily withdraw into himself in order to evaluate his own shortcomings and behavior and identify the reason for the ignorance directed in his direction.
- Withdrawal due to emotional abuse. The person does not try to understand himself or the motives of the person ignoring. He begins to castigate himself, blaming himself for everything. Gradually the feelings intensify, depression and apathy develop. This can lead to obsessive suicidal or criminal thoughts.
A productive response to being ignored is the active development of creativity, the search for new acquaintances, broadening one’s horizons, changing one’s place of residence or work. The individual does not withdraw into himself. He perceives being ignored as a signal for drastic changes in life, leaves his old social circle, and begins to move on.
Final Thoughts
To be fair, we must say that we have all been ignored by someone. But we are not perfect either, so it may well be that we have ignored other people over the years of our lives. So, with that said, I believe that when a person tries to ignore, it becomes a problem that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, everything may end in even bigger problems or an ordinary separation. Therefore, do not be afraid to solve problems and meet difficulties halfway. As a result, you will only become stronger and wiser.
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Forms of hidden violence
The most important problem preventing the fight against negligence is its “invisibility”. Even those involved in a situation of hidden violence may not notice it, not to mention outside observers. Psychologists have compiled a list of forms in which neglect can manifest itself:
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emotional neglect - neglect of the psychological needs of a dependent person, his need for respect, communication, etc. (for example, parents ridiculing the romantic experiences of their teenage daughter);
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physical neglect - leaving a dependent person in a situation that is obviously dangerous to life or health (for example, refusing to call an ambulance for a person with signs of a sudden stroke);
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neglect in the educational sphere - preventing a dependent person from receiving general or vocational education (for example, the demand of older relatives that the daughter-in-law leave college immediately after marriage in order to provide everyday services for the family);
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medical negligence - inadequate provision of medical care, medications and care to a person with an acute or chronic illness (for example, a ban on blood transfusion to a child in need because of the religious views of the parents);
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neglect in the field of psychological health
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ignoring the recommendations of specialists (psychologists, psychotherapists, speech pathologists, etc.) on the psychological development or psychocorrection of a dependent person (for example, reproaching a person suffering from clinical depression for “doing nothing” and “laziness”).
Negligence always starts small: I forgot something, misunderstood something, lost my temper a little. Such mistakes are characteristic of any living person - shouldn’t we write everyone down as neglectors for this?
The key point that turns random errors into a systematic phenomenon is responsibility for eliminating their consequences.
For example, if a father with a disability and his adult son are late for a doctor’s appointment due to the latter’s fault, and he immediately undertakes to correct his mistake, spending his own resources on it: he himself negotiates with the doctor about an unscheduled consultation in the near future, pays for it himself, and brings the parent himself to clinic - we can talk about the normal nature of family interaction. Moreover, faced with the need to deal with the results of their own mistakes, people, as a rule, try to prevent their repetition: they leave early, set alarms and reminders on their phones, etc.
Relationships between people, one of whom depends on the other, can be considered destructive when the consequences of neglect - “forgetting” and ignoring - become a problem for the dependent person or third parties.
In this case, the negative scenario can be repeated, getting worse each time: the first time the matter will be late to the doctor, the second - a “mixed up” appointment date, the third - the son will even decide to be “offended” by his father, who complains that the consultation has already been postponed twice, and canceling the trip will be a kind of “punishment for ingratitude.” The burdens associated with treatment not prescribed on time will fall on the patient himself or on the person providing him with constant care (for example, an old mother). This situation already fits the description of medical negligence: it involves systematicity, evasion of responsibility, and infliction of real damage to the victim.
Negligence can successfully masquerade as completely ordinary patterns of behavior. These include, for example, the famous “creative absent-mindedness” of scientists, musicians or writers (even if the public has not yet received a single discovery, album or book from them).
It turns out to be very convenient to hide behind the idea of serving a great cause, so as not to take on the trouble of providing for and raising children, and in general bother with the base life, dumping all responsibilities on the shoulders of spouses or parents.
Another variant of hidden violence is the famous “there are many of you, but I am alone” - the refusal of workers in social institutions to look for options for helping those who need it: patients in the clinic, children in kindergarten, etc. When, under the pretext of emergency employment (and , that there is suddenly time for tea drinking or discussing gossip) the receptionist forces a person on crutches to jump up the stairs to the fourth floor for a certificate or the nanny leaves the baby in clothes soiled with soup - these are also manifestations of negligence, almost imperceptible and, alas, almost habitual.
