Greetings, Oksana Manoilo is with you. Complaining is a thankless task, many know about it, understand everything, but still sadly state: “ I constantly complain about life , I don’t know what to do.”
And there are other people who know nothing and don’t even suspect anything about that in fact they regularly complain and bother others about it quite a lot.
There are still others who do not seem to belong to these two groups, but often find themselves in situations where they are forced to listen to complainants, and, judging by the number of sufferers, they are literally a magnet for them.
As you may have guessed, all these trends are interconnected; it is all the more interesting to understand this issue, its causes, consequences and the eternal “What to do?”
A person constantly complains about life
In this article you will learn:
First, let’s define more precisely what pity in itself actually is. So, pity is a negative, uncomfortable feeling that can be directed both at oneself and at another living object.
This is always negative and the most unpleasant and low-vibration states are successfully attached to it: sadness, condescension, compassion, and even suffering, condolences, melancholy, despair, and so on. This whole heavy collection usually swirls around the one who is actually complaining, and flies negatively at the one to whom the complaint is made. But more about the unevaded sufferers a little later.
Why do people always complain?
Why should a person complain? We are creatures programmed to do nothing in this world without our own benefit, no matter how good intentions may be sprinkled on that benefit. Any emotion causes certain biochemical reactions in the physical body.
In the case of positive emotions, these reactions will be aimed at harmonizing processes in the body, producing “positive” hormones, rejuvenation, healing, energy saturation, and so on.
In the case of negative emotions, the biochemical reactions produced literally destroy the body from the inside, destabilizing the functioning of its internal systems.
If we consider pity, then the set contains not just one negative emotion, but a whole package. As you can see, in order to complain, there must be a very significant reason and incentive, a benefit of such a scale and “fatness” that can significantly compensate for such extensive physical damage.
Are people who complain and whine really unhappy?
What is the benefit of complaining?
The complaint is based on a desire for support and reassurance.
This is the position of a child, on whom nothing in this world depends and he is looking for an opportunity to hide behind the back of an adult. It’s curious, but during the process the complainant often appears to himself as both a child and an adult at the same time, because sometimes it happens that, having sobbed and groaned to his heart’s content, he himself says to his opponent, but in fact to himself - nothing, they say, we’ll break through, what to do? , and that’s not what happened.
It is for this reason that some people who like to complain literally begin to get angry when a cheerful interlocutor suddenly begins to try to cheer up, noticing the good sides of the situation, or comparing it with someone else’s even more unenviable situation, or simply switching attention.
The complainer may suddenly discover an evil persistence in proving the indisputable horror of his problems, sometimes blaming the interlocutor for his optimism: “Aha! Well, it’s good for you to talk!”
The interlocutor, rolling his eyes from hopelessness, falls silent out of harm's way, and the complainant, having re-occupied his niche under favorable circumstances, usually continues.
This is because previously the process was not logically completed, where first a complaining child takes on the role, expressing everything that is on the Soul, and in the finale, the adult inner part of the person takes on the role, which convinces the “children’s” that everything will be fine.
Yes, in this situation, the process itself looks quite close to a clinical medical case, but, believe me, such a person simply does not know how to do it any other way.
In the variant with the desired reassurance from the interlocutor’s words, the “child” complainant expects him to take on the role of an “adult.” And he brought to its logical conclusion the chain of “discomfort - self-pity - the desire of the “child” to cry - reassurance through the “adult” - a newfound state of calm.”
Therefore, after words of consolation, such a complainant usually feels significantly better.
People who constantly complain lack something
The most harmonious form of interaction with yourself and with the World is taking responsibility for creating everything in your life - from events to attracting certain people.
If such an understanding of life is present, then a person does not need to look for levers to balance himself externally; he himself is able to bring clarity to himself, to be the one who gives himself attention, care, help, mercy and support.
But when there is no awareness, a person finds himself in a state of fear, uncertainty and seeks all of the above from someone who wants to listen.
Although, in fact, given that everything in this world is connected to everything, and we are all threads of belonging in relation to each other, it is the complainant himself, with the help of the listener, who calms himself down. That's what was required.
Victim syndrome and pessimism
A person who constantly feels like a victim is not familiar with such concepts as happiness and optimism. Pessimism becomes his constant companion, painting life in gloomy tones.
He looks for a catch in everything, believing that failures haunt him throughout life. He is sure that nothing good can happen to him by default, and happiness bypasses his home.
The problem is that there is no truth to this: the chronic victim suffers from a distorted perception of reality.
What kind of diagnosis is this - I constantly complain about everything?
The need to complain has many masks and combinations, and one of them, quite common and, nevertheless, one of the most surprising, is so as not to be jinxed.
Yes, yes, at the core is the same fear of life and uncertainty about anything, a constant feeling of instability and restlessness. As in the first case, there is no internal core, self-support.
Only in this version is a person so afraid of his unexpected fragile “good” or even simply “acceptable”, he is afraid that with a careless word of joy he can frighten away the balance swinging over the abyss.
And yes, he is afraid that everything will go to hell. Therefore, out of fear, he prefers to complain again. Often, even being aware of this, they say, “Yes, I constantly complain and I can’t do anything about it.” For what?
And all for the same thing, so that they would calm down again, they would say, “You know what?! You’re actually fine, look!” Well, or as a result of the “outpourings”, come to such a conclusion and relax in some way.
The child constantly complains
When family members complain, despite their common motives, they may have differences in their aspirations. When a child complains, it is a desire for support as reinforcement in his still shaky sense of self-confidence.
Perhaps parents have intervened many times before, and the situation was resolved brilliantly. And one negative independent experience not only convinced me that I couldn’t do it myself, but my parents could also create it with their negativity. Like, “You can’t decide anything on your own!” the inner conviction that yes, they are right, nothing will work out for me.
The correct thing here would be a soft but firm refusal to do it for him, plus friendly support for any outcome, whatever it may be. Believe me, it is many times more important for a child to be treated as an individual at home than to be treated by anyone outside.
An important help will also be to give the child personal or someone else’s positive examples of when they were afraid, but still managed, and in addition, all kinds of approval and recognition of the child’s merits. Increased self-confidence will soon reduce the need to complain about “no”.
Mom constantly complains
When an already independent adult child tends to complain on a regular basis from his mother, then this is most likely a need for communication and attention, first of all.
The childish part is strong in all of us and will always be strong, so in childhood the vast majority of us learned that when things are bad and not good, those who are merciful and compassionate pay attention to you and come running much more cheerfully and swiftly than if everything is fine with you.
Yes, towards advanced age, without the presence of awareness, the appearance of all kinds of fears also takes place, and therefore the desire for one’s own calm through complaint also takes place.
However, practice shows that by making your communication not forced and formal, as if from the category of tedious obligations, but benevolent, establishing regular communication with your mother in a positive way.
And by explaining to her that complaining drains both her and you, your emotional contact can be magically transformed, making it mutually fulfilling.
Husband complains
When a man complains, provided that we are talking about a high-quality example now, without distortions into childish immaturity, then this is almost always a desire for the first option.
That is, a man, telling about his sorrows in his narrative for himself, and a child, trying to cry, shout out, and a wise adult, who, as a result, when the emotions subside, will quietly but surely put everything in its place.
And this point does not necessarily have to be voiced to the woman, that’s why it’s wise. You can understand that the process is completed by the fact that the man has become calmer. It’s unlikely to be happier, but fatigue and apathy are a sure sign that destructive negative emotions have been spoken out and come out. Now - restoration.
By the way, speaking is a very powerful tool in psychology, it is good when working with men, since they, unlike women, are less inclined to show feelings, it is more difficult to force them to write down their own feelings, which would also be very effective.
Therefore, if a beloved man complains to you, provided that he does not do this often and not to everyone, then in fact this is grace. Because calm, even listening without the desire to ennoble with advice will give him the opportunity to “discharge” by removing the static.
And thereby providing yourself with complete therapy. After all, men get sick because they tend to keep everything to themselves. And here is the prevention of cardiovascular diseases, at a minimum.
You say, what about me, why should I listen to and take on this anger? But the fact of the matter is that a woman’s wisdom in this matter lies precisely in clearly realizing that now the man is complaining and angry simply because of what has accumulated in him.
He needs to “discharge”, and not at all from the fact that something is wrong with you, that it can somehow harm you, and so on. But in order to come to such an understanding, you need to be resourceful and calm and engage in your own fulfillment on a regular basis.
It is in this state that the situation, when a man complains and even does it emotionally, does not hurt in any way, the man himself is perceived with mercy and is imbued with energy, which such a woman has over the edge. He gets drunk and calms down, and then everything is within his reach, he feels subconsciously.
How to stop complaining about life: practical steps
We offer a program that will help you stop complaining about life’s adversities.
Observation
The initial stage is to mentally track all the episodes when you begin to whine and grumble about fate. Your inner observer should record all the oohs and aahs. After a week of self-control, evaluate the neglect of your case. If you complain daily (or more often), then it's time to get rid of the whiner syndrome. Observational tactics help open your eyes to the true state of things. If in the end you say to yourself: “After all, all I do is whine!” - this is already a positive result.
Change the way you think
This is definitely easier said than done. Our brains naturally gravitate toward the negative. As in the quote above, we are first bothered by the thorns in the rose bush, not by its beautiful appearance.
When you find yourself making a negative comment about something or someone, stop! Force yourself to say something positive. Of course, more than once or twice you will forget. Don't get discouraged, just keep trying again and again. Enlist the help of a cheerful friend to stop you when you complain and help you see the situation from an independent perspective.
Become less judgmental
We often blame others because they don't meet our standards. Once you know people's real stories, you'll be less likely to whine about what they do. For example, complaining about service in a restaurant is useless. You don't know how busy the waiter's day is, or what problems he has in his personal life. If you put yourself in his shoes for a minute, you will become kinder and more relaxed in the current situation.
Adding constructivism
Try to rephrase harsh negativity and condemnation into calmer, narrative speech. A touch of humor wouldn't hurt either.
We listen to the complaints of others and do the opposite
Having achieved some success in contemplating what is happening, apply these skills not to yourself, but to those around you. In other words, now watch how others complain. You will see how many such people are in any team. They not only complicate their lives, but also provoke others to similar reactions. When you hear another employee whining about her husband (child, health, weather), do not respond with a counter-complaint. Just say: “I’m in a great mood today and the world seems better!”
Making life-affirming lists
Take this step seriously, it’s a pretty powerful technique on how to stop complaining about life. You will need to make two lists:
On one sheet of paper, write down what is not in your life and what you would not like to have. For example: “I do not have war (problems with the law, natural disasters, serious illnesses, mental disorders, etc.)” The longer the list, the better. Gradually you will feel that things are not so bad for you. Complaining in such a situation is simply angering God.
On the second sheet, list the good things you have in your life. For example: “I have: where to live, what to eat, what to wear, where to work...” You can gradually add the number of points. It is not necessary to make both lists on the same day; allocate enough free time for each of them. Hang both sheets of paper in your home, and when you feel like complaining, re-read what you wrote. You might stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself before you even finish reading.
I constantly complain about life - lack of resources
It's another matter when the resource is at zero. Then, firstly, the complaining man will be perceived in the most negative way. Everything he says will catch and irritate, even if he talks about topics abstract from your life and about the appearance of completely different people.
During the “process” there will often be thoughts that, they say, “he’s complaining, but what’s wrong with me, but I’m not complaining, but he is, and he’s also a man!” As you can see, there is no smell of mercy, but rather an internal clarification of “who owes what.”
Just thoughts about debts and how everything should be and how it really is, emerge from a state of zero energy. And when two people meet with empty energy tanks, intending to feed off each other, things usually end badly.
The matter usually ends with either an energy donation, when the one who complains suddenly turns pink in his cheeks and rises in spirits, while the listener, on the contrary, turns pale and somehow calms down in an unhealthy way.
Or, when both are strong, and no one wants to “feed” the other, tearing off pieces of resource from themselves, the matter can end in a scandal. By the way, this scheme applies to all situations where a “complainer” and a “listener” appear, and not just in a situation where a man complains.
One size fits all
It is very important to realize that there is still a difference between empty complaints about life and requests for support.
It's quite easy to distinguish one from the other:
- Firstly , when a person finds himself in a difficult life situation, it is quite acceptable that he will want to talk to his loved ones about them in order to enlist words of support.
- Secondly , a normal person will always sympathize with someone who is really feeling bad and will provide all possible help. While the “complainer” will accept support and will definitely thank you for it.
- Well, and thirdly , really difficult situations do not happen very often. Therefore, if a friend often tells plaintive stories about how bad everything is, then there is reason to think: is this not manipulation on her part?
Constantly complaining that fate is bad
Energy vampirism is born when the person sitting in the role of listener is himself exhausted. And he himself is outside the resource. He experiences negative emotions while listening to the complainer, but cannot do anything, performing this unenviable role over and over again and literally feeding himself energetically.
But at first glance it seems that such a listener in this process is a forced person. We remember and do not forget that any action or inaction has a benefit.
The desire to have people complain to you, “pour out their souls”, cry, and so on certainly has it. And, I must say, significant benefits, because believe me, no one would feed another person himself for pennies. The benefit of the listener, to whom complainers fly like moths to the light, is very significant.
How to stop whining:
Of course, talking about what has accumulated in the soul is very important. However, it is also important that no one gets worse. Remember a few simple tips on how to better talk about your problems.
Less drama
When talking about your problems, do not turn the entire conversation into continuous complaints and whining - drama always creates a difficult atmosphere.
Don’t push for pity and don’t pretend to be a person for whom life is divided into “before” and “after.” Even if the interlocutor listens attentively and feels sorry for you, do not take advantage of your position and do not reduce everything to ensuring that this continues until the end of the conversation.
Remember others
When talking about your problems, do not forget to be interested in others. This does not mean that you and your interlocutor should talk only about problems throughout the conversation. It’s enough to simply ask: “How are you doing?”
And if a person decides to tell you something (even not very pleasant), be sure to let him speak. Remember that you are not the only one experiencing difficulties. For example, money and work are now difficult for many people.
Choose your words
When talking about a specific problem, avoid the following phrases: • “Everything is bad”; • “Life was not a success”; • “Nothing good is in store.”
If you have this or that trouble, this does not mean that the whole world has become worse because of it.
Do not instill anxiety, doubts and fears in others. One day you will cope with your problem, and life will be filled with colors for you again, but what trace will all these conversations leave in the soul of your interlocutor?
Don't make it a habit
Remember that the more you spread negativity, the more firmly it becomes entrenched in your head. You can’t talk exclusively about the bad - one day all the gloomy thoughts and difficult conversations will inevitably become your way of life, from which it will not be easy to get out.
Vampirism or how to protect yourself?
Firstly, it is always feeding your own importance. An internal, often not even conscious conviction that since they tell me, since they trust me, that means I am a good person, reliable, I am valued, people speak and think well about me, my status is at the level.
Sometimes a sweet conviction-pride even creeps in, which means I’m better than a complainer, because everything is acceptable with me, everything is smooth, I don’t complain, but they complain to me, I’m incredibly cool!
The fact that the personal space of the listener is used over and over again by the complainant as a trash can into which he can pour all the disturbing obscenities, literally relieving himself, such a listener often simply does not realize. And the very desire to “talk in confidence” with the complainant is more prestigious, the higher the status the complainant occupies.
It is not uncommon, I note, for higher-ranking bosses to “secretly” energetically eat up “trusted persons” from lower-ranking employees with enviable regularity. The donors are in awe of the honor given to them, and the recipients feel good in the end, and everyone seems happy. If not for some secret processes.
When a person allows himself to be drained of energy just like that, he thereby signs that he does not love himself so much that he is ready to give his strength to another only for the fact that he recognizes at least some value for a short time.
Reasons why they whine
- A way to reduce stress. Some people, when they begin to voice the problems that have arisen in their lives, ease their internal state, relieving the body of stress. In fact, they shift their burdens onto the shoulders of others. The individual who speaks out feels relieved because he shared his pain with a loved one.
- Failure to resolve the problem. The situation when someone finds himself in a trap and does not see any way out ahead of him begins to ache. It is possible that he is waiting for outside support, advice from a friend. A whiner talks about his problems in order to hear the point of view of another person, to get the opportunity to understand what he is doing wrong, and to find a way out of a deadlock situation. In practice, this method works extremely rarely. Often resorting to this method, the complaining person loses the ability to independently analyze problems.
- Relationships inspired by parental behavior patterns. If a child grew up in a difficult atmosphere and heard constant complaints from his parents, it is not surprising that he grew up the same way.
- The result of depression. A person’s energy disappears, he sees only the bad in familiar things, and complains because he believes that this is the only thing he is capable of.
- A way to benefit. From childhood, a child could get used to the fact that with the help of his complaints and whining he attracts attention to his person and gets what he wants. As he grows older, nothing changes, and he continues to behave this way into adulthood.
- Infantility. Such people have the conviction that smarter and stronger individuals should, upon hearing about their problem, rush to the rescue. They always need support, sympathy, words of approval.
Why do people talk and keep secrets?
Such a person has little chance of changing anything in his life for the better, because he simply does not have the strength to do so. There weren’t a lot of them before, but now even this “not a lot” regularly migrates into the mental insides of another person who is stronger in energy. Duality in the world is still strong and for any predator there will always be a victim.
Likewise, it is not as sweet for the complainant as it might seem at first glance. Firstly, the desire to be constantly dissatisfied with life sends the energy of dissatisfaction into space, and it returns as a boomerang in the form of strengthening, rooting and growth of those situations that, in fact, caused a frantic and regular desire to cry. The boomerang law, you need to know.
Secondly, this fear gives rise to the need to parasitize on other people's energy and the desire to find peace outside. And fear is always dislike. Dislike for yourself, first of all.
So we found a common dominant between the complainant and the listener. No one is happy, it turns out, and each has his own benefits, which he seeks in others, although he could easily get by on himself. If…
If only I had a resource. If I were in love with myself. If only he understood the law of cause and effect, if he simply took responsibility for his life and did not try to shift it to someone or something else in this world.
How would you characterize a chronic victim?
If you feel like you are a chronic victim, or recognize someone close to you in this description, it is time to talk more about this personality type and what characterizes it.
Reality distortion
A person suffering from victim syndrome is convinced that those around him are to blame for all the troubles and adversities that happen to him. Thus, he completely abdicates responsibility for his own life and prefers to shift it to others.
The problem is that he interprets reality in a way that suits him at the moment. As a result, the chronic victim's life becomes even darker.
After all, when we relieve ourselves of responsibility for our lives, we lose control over it . As a result, our hands are tied, and we can no longer change anything about what is happening.
The man constantly complains
It is complaints that feed the chronic victim with negative energy. We can safely say that this is the main type of “food” for such people. Complaining helps them gain the attention of others and find themselves in the center of it. This makes them feel important.
Moreover, all the actions of such a person come down only to the fact that he complains and cries. He never asks for help from others and does not take any steps to correct the current situation, which, as he claims, is poisoning his life.
Goal: find the culprit
The chronic victim's goal is to find someone to blame for their troubles . Such a person seeks to attribute to them all possible defects and vices that one can imagine.
For example, they are often sure that the actions of those around them are driven by selfishness and the desire to profit at the expense of others, using other people for their own purposes.
At the same time, a person suffering from victim syndrome does not realize that in fact all these thoughts feed his negative emotions. He cannot admit that he is actually satisfied with this situation, although with his complaints he is trying to prove the opposite.
How to ease your soul?
Not a single person who is in harmony with himself simply creates a situation in his field when someone comes to him with the desire to “ease his soul.” Just as it wouldn’t even occur to him to pour out his failures on someone else - he is well aware of the causes and consequences.
A person who is in self-love and in energetic balance has nothing to cling to, he is outside the menu of “tidbits”, he has no desire to prove his own worth, just as there is no need to regularly instill confidence in himself through someone else. Why, if you can do it directly through yourself.
Conversations like “ I constantly complain ” or “they constantly complain to me” are not about him or him, anyone can become such a person, and in what way, you now know.
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Why do we complain
From a psychological point of view, people complain because their expectations do not match reality. In addition, this may be a subconscious attempt to connect with others and unite. Expressing shared negative experiences creates a sense of camaraderie: you dislike the same things and feel similar emotions. Indignation brings people together much more than shared joy.
The tendency to complain can be contagious. If you are in a team where people are constantly dissatisfied with something, then you may also start complaining about things that you didn’t pay much attention to before.
But talking about how expensive food has become, what traffic jams are like, or how people on the bus irritate you makes you experience negative emotions again and again. Focusing on dissatisfaction with what you cannot change causes a constant feeling of helplessness and depression. Think about how many things you complain about every day: the weather outside, a TV series or movie that you didn’t like, a bus that you can’t wait for. Feelings of frustration and powerlessness accumulate, changing your thinking and causing you to see the negative in every situation.
