I don't want to decide anything. How does dependent personality disorder manifest?

Material independence

Material independence begins with fully meeting your needs using only your own finances. You can become independent only when you have enough money. Therefore, first you need to find a job so as not to depend financially on your parents or other relatives.

When you are employed and understand that your salary is enough for everything you need and even more, you need to get your own home. If you don’t have enough money for a separate apartment, then renting a home is suitable for you. This could be a house, apartment or room. In this case, you need to decide this taking into account your income. It is worth remembering that the path to an independent and independent life is very difficult and not everyone can complete it. After all, not everyone can immediately find a well-paid job that will satisfy and please them. You may first have to take a temporary position in order to have at least some income. You need to be prepared for the fact that at first there will not be enough money for everything you need. Therefore, you will have to save money. Often parents, worried about their child, offer help. There is no need to give it up, especially at first you will need it.

However, you should not abuse the financial assistance of your parents. You can only take a small amount if you see that your money is not enough for the essentials.

Independence – what is it?

– How can I develop independence in a child? – What do you mean by independence? – Independence... mmm... Well, this is when he carries out his duties himself.

You have listened to a standard dialogue between a parent and a psychologist. That is, independence is obedient fulfillment of requirements (here is a thoughtful emoji rubbing his chin). Nobody says: “independence is when he himself chooses what he will wear today.” Or: “when he can get to the section himself.” Or: “when she decides how to take a selfie.”

As a literary scholar, I like to start with established definitions. For example, from the Great Psychological Encyclopedia.

Independence is a generalized personality trait, manifested in initiative, criticality, adequate self-esteem and a sense of personal responsibility for one’s activities and behavior. Personal independence is associated with the active work of thought, feelings and will.

We write down important concepts: initiative, criticality, adequate self-esteem, a sense of personal responsibility, one’s own activities, one’s behavior, thoughts (intentions), feelings, will. I would also add motivation here.

How to plan finances?

To learn how to overcome financial difficulties, you need to properly distribute your income. When you receive money, immediately set aside the required amount for rent and utility bills. If you need to buy some clothes or shoes, set aside extra money. Then distribute the remaining funds for groceries until your next paycheck. You need to learn to purchase only the necessary things, save and be able to distribute your income. Only those who have gone through it know how to become independent, and almost anyone can say that it is not so easy and takes time.

Examples of independence:

  • A five-year-old boy decided to draw a pirate ship (intention, initiative). He drew it (will). He looks and says: “Something didn’t work out for me, the sail could have been drawn better (adequate self-esteem, criticality), but I like it (positive feelings to support future motivation).” Total : the person was in his activity, realized his plan, reacted to it somehow, gained experience. From a psychological point of view, this is an act of independence.
  • A schoolboy, 13 years old, decides that he will not spend too much time on contour maps for history (intention, initiative), and he agrees to a “3” for them, but will try in oral answers (adequate self-esteem and assessment of the situation, criticality , sense of personal responsibility, behavior strategy). He is ready to spend time and effort on carefully completing his physics homework, wanting to get an “A” (motivation, responsibility, will, initiative). Total : behavior can be labeled as independent, since it has all the signs of such. But what can parents say? “Lazy guy, with his brains he could study for all A’s.”

How to become self-sufficient

Being self-sufficient means not only having financial independence, but also not being dependent on society as a whole. How to become independent is clear to many, but to become self-sufficient, you also need to make some efforts. First, you need to eliminate any financial dependence, and then emotional dependence. Try to make sure that you do not have debts to anyone, pay them off if you have any. Learn to solve money problems without borrowing even small amounts from anyone. After all, debt in itself means that you are dependent on someone and you have an obligation to this person. It is also necessary to always trust only your own opinion and not take into account what others say about you.

When a person is independent of other people’s opinions, it is easier to decide what he really needs and what he wants. You should not be afraid of loneliness, since self-sufficiency does not imply that you should become an outcast in society and not communicate with anyone. You need to be in harmony with yourself, then it will be easier for you to solve important issues, since you will have time to think about them. You also need to take into account that if you decide to become a more independent person, then now in any life situations you will have to trust your own feelings.

How to become independent

Life always requires us to take action and make decisions. But what to do if for some reason you are afraid of independence, don’t know how to make decisions, and always doubt? Passion.ru will help you with advice on how to become independent.

The reasons for the lack of independence often come from childhood: you were overprotected or you did not receive enough love, and now you are afraid to do something on your own due to fear of failure. All this does not matter much now, the main thing is to learn to lead your life without the help of others, to feel confident and without fear to solve all the problems that arise and overcome difficulties.

The best way to develop independence is to live alone with money you earn yourself. In this case, even the most “marshmallow” girl will not only learn to cook, do household shopping and clean up the house, but also, over time, if necessary, she will be ready to survive even in the most field conditions, where of all things there will be only earth, a couple of matches and blue the sky above your head.

In other cases, you will need to muster all the willpower that you have, and every day more and more refuse the help and services of other people.

7 tips on how to become independent

(take one for each day of the week and do it!):

1. Make a list of activities that you can do on your own, but previously someone did them for you or no one did them

Post this list in a visible place and regularly complete the items from there. Don’t be embarrassed if it initially contains very simple tasks; on the contrary, start with them! For example, make your bed in the morning, make breakfast, wash the windows, defrost the refrigerator, pay for the light, pick up a parcel.

Remember what you put off doing for a long time because you didn’t know how or were afraid? What have you wanted for a long time, but no one did it with you or for you? Did you want to order cosmetics from an online store? Would you like to go on an excursion? It's time to remember these classes and do everything yourself.

2. Sign up for courses or start learning some classes on your own

It doesn't matter what you study: accounting or PhotoShop, cooking or sign up for modern dance. The main thing is that you will do it yourself; most likely, you will have to pay for classes yourself, look for materials (costumes, program, products, etc.), buy, download video lessons. And all this is a very valuable life experience.

How self-sufficiency affects life

Independence does not at all oblige you to be lonely and detached from society. Just like most people, you must have relatives, friends and family. You need to understand that independence only implies that now you will not need anyone’s financial help, the advice of others, and you will be able to make decisions on important issues yourself. Don't show your independence around your friends. There is no need to brag about this. After all, your independence is not an achievement to be proud of. You are changing your lifestyle for yourself, and not so that you have something to brag about to others. Even if you can now provide for yourself financially, do not forget that your parents also have a direct connection to this. Do not develop selfishness in yourself, remember about your relatives and help them.

Looking for independence

Now let's assume that you are worried precisely that the child is (seemingly) dependent, and not that he is not doing something necessary. Soup separately, flies separately.

I suggest that you look for independence not where it is usually sought, but in a completely different place.

  • Pay attention to activities that the child does on his own initiative that he enjoys. Let's say he built a spaceship out of Lego - this is an act of independence. Or he brought “his” order to the room, even if not the best, in your opinion. But - yours.
  • Pay attention to the areas of life where he successfully manages without you. For example, you used to take him to the pool, but now he gets there and manages everything on his own. Or before she had to get up in the morning, but now she chooses clothes, combs her hair, makes herself a sandwich and goes to school looking beautiful.
  • Pay attention to the scope of responsibilities. Perhaps the child optimizes the process so that it takes less effort and time. Let's say he gets his own dishwashing system. Or collecting a portfolio. Or he insists on the order of completing the subjects (perhaps he knows something about himself).
  • Is he trying to influence the life of the family? Does he make any suggestions?
  • The child defends what relates directly to his “boundaries”: interests, regime, clothes, friends.

If you find examples, you don’t have to worry - your child is developing independence.

Don't protect yourself from others!

Many people, having achieved any success, forget about their friends or stop communicating with them. But it's not right.

Instead of protecting yourself from the company of people who have not yet achieved any results, give them advice from personal experience on how to become independent. Many men and women who have become quite independent have problems with personal relationships. After all, they begin to look for mates just like them.

Unfortunately, these people don’t come across very often. It will be very difficult for two independent and self-sufficient individuals to live together and have a relationship. Because in a family, someone has to take care of the other. And when making any decision, someone will have to give in, which is unusual for an independent person.

Most people strive for independence, but do not know how to become independent without a high-paying position. However, everything lies not only in material support, but also depends on the character of the person. Some are brought up in such an environment that they do not even have the thought of independence. They are ready to live at the expense of others all the time. First they depend on their parents, then on their husband or wife, and then they shift everything to their children. Sometimes excessive care leads to the fact that a person is not able to independently succeed in life and is constantly waiting for help from others.

It is no secret that if from an early age you surround a child with excessive care and control his every step, then in adulthood he may never learn to act on his own. Let's figure out what you need to focus on in order to raise an independent personality.

Galina Burmenskaya, psychologist, associate professor of the Department of Developmental Psychology, Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov

From 1 to 3 years is a very important period for a child, when he reaches out to all objects and imitates adults. Parents often try to limit the spontaneous activity that brings such joy to the baby, but an abundance of prohibitions can be dangerous. Therefore, it is very important to correctly outline the boundaries of what the baby is certainly allowed to do, what is possible only with permission, and, finally, what is not allowed. Such a structured living space provides an opportunity for active activity and the gradual integration of the child into the life of the family, and then into the wider society.

In preschool age (3−7 years), it is necessary to support the child’s initiative and desire to act. In fact, however, it often turns out that parents, without noticing it themselves, suppress the beginnings of independence. This happens when adults prefer to perform actions themselves that a child, naturally, does not do as deftly and quickly as they do.

For example, it’s easier for mom and dad to wash the cup or put away the toys themselves. It is not surprising that parents then ask: how to guide their child so that he wants to do it himself. So, first we support his activity, then we approve the initiative, and if it does not “fit” well with real conditions, we delicately guide it. It is important not to suppress his good impulses, which gradually lead to independence.

Along with the opportunity to participate in the life of the family, the child should also feel satisfaction from the result, from his contribution to the common cause and responsibility for his actions and deeds. Already at this age, create situations where he will be allowed to make a choice.

At primary school age (7-11 years), the child’s world revolves around school. It is important here not only to help him organize his new life, including doing his homework, but also to provide emotional support in difficult situations. This will be a good basis for mutual understanding and the gradual formation of independence. Feeling supported, he will stop being afraid of mistakes, remain active and ready for independent action. After all, if a child is afraid of making a mistake and is ready to give up trying, this is a very alarming sign, indicating that the fear of failure is stronger than the desire to make efforts and achieve goals.

By the end of primary school age, it will be good if the child learns not only to do homework himself, but also to check them. Thus, gradually, he will master what his parents and teachers teach him and encourage him to do. Not through reproaches and demands, but by instilling confidence: “Now try it yourself.” So the parents will control the result, the outcome of his actions.

7 tips for parents

Allow your child to choose who to be friends with

In the matter of choosing whom to be friends with, direct, directive control and prohibitions are unacceptable. They will only cause protest and resentment, since this infringes on the rights of an individual to experience likes and dislikes for a particular person and make a choice based on these feelings. Therefore, one can only direct indirectly and delicately.

How to do it? Firstly, minimize situations where a child may encounter those children with whom parents believe it is better not to be friends. Secondly, you need to analyze unpleasant situations together, but not impose your point of view, but encourage him to think about why his friend acted this way or that way. Encouraging a child to make his own judgments and conclusions means supporting the formation of his independence in relationships with other people.

Agree in advance about everything related to school

When it comes to studying, it is useful to rely on two rules. First : make a schedule, determine the time he will devote to lessons, teach him to follow a certain routine. Second : conclude agreements. A good relationship between parent and child should be based on jointly developed and accepted agreements and demands that are feasible for the child.

If a child fulfills the points of the “agreement,” then at the end of the week, for example, he receives a reward. If it does not comply, then sanctions must be applied. Of course, not harsh verbal or physical punishment, but deprivation of any pleasant things.

Give the opportunity to make your own choices

As for leisure, of course, the child should be given a choice and this should be emphasized. “What do you want, walk or watch TV? Should I play this or that? In fact, we build situations in which the child feels that he makes his own choice, and does not simply obey an adult in everything. Of course, as he develops, he will begin to have a good idea of ​​the field of his capabilities, which will expand.

Parents will do the right thing if they emphasize: “I am an adult, I am responsible for you. Therefore, there are things that you must do. But there are also situations where you choose for yourself.”

In this way, the child will grow up with the feeling that he has a choice of actions.

Recognize the right to your own opinion

A very important aspect of independence: to have the right to your own opinion and views and to feel respect from your parents. They should pay attention to the child’s opinion and not impose their point of view. It is within the framework of confidential communication, mutual exchange, discussion, and respect for each other that children’s personal autonomy is developed and matures.

Don't stop feeling feelings

Sometimes parents encroach on the autonomy of the child’s feelings: “You should be proud of this, you should be ashamed of this.” They, of course, can express their ideas, but they cannot do it in an authoritarian manner. If a child is denied the right to certain feelings, and he feels them, this is a very serious mistake that disfigures the personality, making it ultimately dependent and insecure: a quality arises that is opposite to independence and personal autonomy.

The strategy should be different - parents recognize the right to certain feelings that are born in the child’s soul. By accepting his feelings, sometimes perhaps alien and erroneous, adults gain space for discussion, and therefore influence.

Let me make small decisions

The child begins to make decisions, no matter how strange it may sound, very early. It all starts with everyday, everyday affairs or daily routine: what tasks to take on first, what lessons to do and when to do them, and only then we talk about serious things. Parents, discussing with the child as part of joint activities how best to act and why, and asking for his opinion, prepare his mind for the fact that the child himself will pick up this baton and solve problems. Allowing you to participate in family affairs means preparing you for independent actions in the future.

Don't forget your responsibilities

At preschool age, it is customary to begin to accustom children to responsibilities, usually simple ones. Household chores are important not in themselves, but precisely as a form of instilling responsibility. It’s good when a child sees what responsibilities mom, dad or older brother have. Family is a wonderful foundation for instilling independence. But there are some subtleties here.

Many parents now choose this tactic: “You have to do this for yourself (wash the dishes, clean, cook).” But this is often weak, insufficient motivation. A child can easily say: “I can do this, but I don’t need to.” And here it is difficult to somehow object. It’s another matter when a joint action is taken as a basis: the child sees that what he does is needed not only by him, but also by other family members, that his work and efforts are pleasant and useful to others.

Then the responsibilities in the eyes of the child take on a deep meaning. In addition, this will be an excellent discipline: when he doesn’t want to do something, his subconscious will say: “But this must be done, mom will come home from work hungry, we need to cook, clean up...”

If you want to be self sufficient...

Some people say: “We will help everyone become independent.” But I would like to say that any person can become like this, the main thing is to have the desire. What is needed for independence and self-sufficiency?

  • Find a job to have financial independence.
  • Choose the appropriate option for independent living (purchasing your own home, renting an apartment or room).
  • Get rid of dependence on others, have your own opinion.
  • Learn to solve your problems yourself without resorting to the help of others.
  • Rely completely on your own strength.

Signs that your parents are overly influencing your independence:

They don't let you grow up

If in any situation you need the consent of your parents, and if they closely monitor your every move, this is already a reason to sound the alarm. The time when they had to check if you did your homework is long gone and the time has come when you begin to rely on yourself and become self-reliant.

They don't take your personal space into account

Personal space is one of the greatest freedoms we have. The older we get, the more important the boundaries of our personal space are to us and the more we protect them. If your parents know your every move and disagree with how you manage your time, they are invading your personal space. It is especially worrisome when your parents plan or are involved in planning your schedule.

You do things only because your parents want you to.

Unfortunately, many parents choose a specialty, and thus make them dependent on themselves. When parents make a choice one way or another or make the final decision about what you can do and what you are prohibited from doing, they are thereby taking away your freedom and independence. All those actions that we perform in life under the influence of others, as a rule, are those for which we have no motivation. Answer for yourself the question of what you do in life, simply without having sufficient motivation for it, and clarify for whom you are actually doing it.

Self-reliance concept

The famous psychologist Rubinstein believed that the most important characteristics of an independent person are freedom of choice and the ability to bear responsibility for the choice made. Thus, it is an independent person who has a real opportunity to realize himself in life, to enjoy his work and leisure. It is no wonder that such a concept remains relevant throughout the century.

An independent person, without listening to anyone, independently chooses his profession as his life’s work. He can take a risk and open his own business, thereby becoming several dozen times richer. As they say, it’s better to regret what you did than to regret what you didn’t do. If the risk is justified, then the person will receive everything he strived for - money, success, his favorite job. If failure occurs, the person will still remain in the black, since he will gain the most valuable experience. The most important thing is not to be afraid.

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