Speech aggression on the Internet or How to send it so that it doesn’t come back?

• September 5, 2018
• Psychology of conflict
• Yulia Shishkina

When people don't like the flow of a conversation or the mood of the speaker, they may simply walk away and save themselves from trouble. But it is not always possible to avoid conflict if you are forced to constantly be in the company of an aggressive person. How to behave with hostile individuals and not succumb to provocations? Remember simple tips to help in such a difficult situation.

Start with yourself

If you carefully monitor your own behavior, you can understand that aggression is not always able to throw you out of balance. Being in a good mood, anyone pays less attention to attacks in his direction and is able to withstand even the most negative conversation. If you are looking for an answer to the question of why people behave aggressively, try to notice the moments in which you yourself are capable of being hostile.

Most often, the reason for this is a bad mood and internal conflicts that you try to solve by involving other people in them. Therefore, the main assistant in solving the problem is achieving your own peace of mind.

Never be the first to enter into conflicts or show aggression. Develop a sense of joy and look for the positive in any difficult situation. It will be difficult to piss off a positive-minded person and ruin the day, no matter how hot-tempered the interlocutor may be.

Don't be afraid of aggression

When your boss walks through the office with a stern expression on his face or someone close to you starts looking irritably in your direction, you already feel awkward and afraid of an impending conflict. The behavior of an aggressive person can infuriate you and ruin your whole day. If you are especially sensitive to attacks from hostile people, you should learn not to be afraid of aggression.

You should not respond to requests that were made by shouting. Don't let hostile people control you. When the aggressor sees your fear, he feeds on it and demands more and more attention. It will be difficult at first, but you just need to be persistent and wait for the person to speak in a calm and respectful tone before you listen to him.

Don't look for the problem in yourself and don't feel guilty. It is worth realizing that a person is behaving aggressively because of his problems, and not because you are a bad employee or friend. Don’t rush to adapt to him, as someone who is hostile will always look for a reason to be angry.

How to answer a stranger?

You can encounter abuse anywhere: at work, at school or in any public place. In a word, where you are surrounded by other people.

Unfortunately, aggression or rudeness from a stranger can be completely unfounded. You can mind your own business, but at the same time run into an ill-mannered person. However, you must understand that an attempt to humiliate you actually demonstrates the inferiority and failure of the boor himself, which he is trying to compensate for in this way. It’s hard to believe, but a random quarrel for him is perhaps the best entertainment that brings pleasure. It is important to respond with dignity in order to put the presumptuous boor in his place.

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There are also situations in which you showed carelessness, and the person decided to take advantage of this and throw out the accumulated aggression on you. First of all, don't take everything personally. If you are truly at fault, simply apologize politely.

Try to understand the motives

All people have a unique character, and among them there are truly aggressive and hot-tempered ones. But sometimes even the most friendly and calm person, due to stress or misunderstanding, becomes quarrelsome and aggressive.

When it comes to a hostile boss or other outsider, it can be more difficult to understand the reason for the behavior. But if you see your friend getting hot-tempered and constantly getting into verbal altercations, it's worth trying to understand him. A conversation in which you gently and tactfully find out the reasons for the behavior of an aggressive person will help with this. You should not ask directly, just listen carefully to all his experiences and show due understanding and sympathy.

Look for the right approach

An aggressive person is often associated with shouting and arguing, but this is not always the case. Hostility can be hidden behind a sarcastic tone and feigned friendliness. Therefore, the approach to all hostile people should be different.

If a person is screaming and waving his arms, he is most likely trying to intimidate you and make you weaker. In such a situation, it is important to maintain composure. Treating an aggressive person the way he treats you is the wrong approach. Your composure at first will only anger him more, but soon he will realize that he will not be able to get you emotional and will retreat.

If a person is being sarcastic or acting secretly, do not allow him to drag you into his plans. He must understand that you see a negative attitude and will not let yourself be deceived, but at the same time you are not going to participate in this game.

Abstract yourself

If someone is trying to hit you or ruin your life in any way, this is a cause for concern. In other cases, negativity can only worsen your mood. Therefore, if you understand that you will not be able to calm an aggressive person, as well as understand him, you should abstract yourself.

Accept the fact that screaming and swearing can in no way worsen your life or health. This means they are not dangerous. When someone tries to get you emotional again, just tell yourself - it doesn't concern me. Insults directed at you are a reflection of the emotional state of the aggressor, and not a sign that you are a bad person. Observe the situation from the outside, as a casual witness of what is happening, and do not look for the problem within yourself.

Why is it important to put a boor in his place?

Any insult can cause psychological trauma to another person, the consequences of which will have to be overcome for quite a long time. Unfortunately, the cause of such trauma can be the actions or words of strangers, which you cannot influence in any way.

When someone is rude to you, it is quite difficult to control yourself. However, it is important to learn how to respond correctly to caustic remarks. This will put the boor in his place and will influence how others will treat you later.

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Fight back

Kind and understanding people are always valued in any company and make you feel good. But sometimes it is worth showing strength of character so as not to allow yourself to be pushed around with the help of aggression.

If you have to work or communicate with a hot-tempered and tyrannical person, you should immediately show that you will not tolerate constant nagging and swearing. There is no need to respond with aggression or get into a fight. It is enough not to show that rude words offend you and firmly say “no” to all attempts to offend or offend you.

If you're wondering how to deal with an aggressive person, you'll be surprised at how simple the solution is to the problem. Develop your sense of humor. This doesn't mean you have to make fun of the bully in front of everyone. Keep the fun inside and don't take conflicts too seriously. Remember a funny joke or anecdote and think about it at a time when they try to make you angry or unsettled. Share your positivity with a hostile interlocutor, and perhaps you will be able to cheer him up and make him a little softer.

Passive aggression

Sometimes people who are inclined to conflict do not show their desire openly, but resort to hidden aggression. It manifests itself in constant criticism, sarcasm and deliberate provocation of the interlocutor. This behavior is not always immediately noticeable, but the mood after communicating with a passive-aggressive person noticeably worsens.

The first step in getting rid of pressure from a hostile person is to recognize his aggression. Do not attribute attacks in your direction to dissatisfaction with you or poor health. Recognize that the person wants to bring you into conflict and let off steam, while remaining innocent in the situation.

Avoid aggression and be careful what you say. If you believe that the person is using passive-aggressive communication, prepare arguments to support your opinion. If he constantly criticizes you, don't talk about the big picture, but remember specific situations and give them as examples. Lack of evidence will make your words unconvincing, and you risk being the initiator of a quarrel, which is exactly what a passive-aggressive interlocutor wants from you.

Do not become infected with anger and a negative attitude. Continue to speak politely even if you feel provoked. You need to behave calmly and respectfully with an aggressive person, as well as with someone who secretly seeks conflict, no matter what.

Reasons for speech aggression

With regard to the peculiarities of manifestation of aggression in a virtual environment, the situation is clear, with some reasons everything is also quite predictable.
There are several reasons for the spread of hate speech on the Internet. One of them is anonymity, i.e. inability to be recognized by others. The types of anonymity in this case are the following: 1. Social (lack of verbal communication, visual identification of appearance, the ability to hear a voice during communication); 2. Technical (hidden name, address, IP address, telephone number, etc.).

On the one hand, anonymity cannot be considered a negative factor, since it is an integral part of ensuring the security and privacy of users on the network. On the other hand, anonymity gives unlimited freedom of expression, which is often not good, and the ability to stop communication at any time, which cannot be done in a “live” conversation. After all, even during a fleeting skirmish with someone on the street, there is no way to evaporate from the scene of the conflict, but it will take time to get away from it. Thus, it can be concluded that aggression in the real world has its own “cost”, which is expressed in the amount of time/effort required for the conflict, which can cause more stress, and sometimes require physical involvement in the confrontation. Speech aggression online has a lower “cost” with comparable effectiveness. Thus, the anonymity of users on the Internet encourages them to show aggression.

Another reason for the manifestation of aggression is less obvious, but scientifically proven, and is explained by the existence of so-called social modeling. Social modeling is a kind of repetition of a model that already exists in any environment. For example, a user who sees several negative comments on an article is more likely to repeat this behavior in his comment than if the comments are neutral or positive. Simply put, if the first ones under a video on YouTube or an article on a website are negative, then the 11th user is highly likely to also leave a negative review.

This is due to the fact that not a single person, on a subconscious level, wants to be a black sheep and incur criticism from dissidents. Therefore, people who have a point of view different from the opinion of the majority of commentators are less likely to express it publicly, so as not to become an object of aggression for others. Here I remember a quote from the most banned novel of the 60-80s. “The Catcher in the Rye”: “ That’s all the misfortune.” It is impossible to find a calm, quiet place - there is none in the world. Sometimes you think - maybe there is, but by the time you get there, someone will sneak in front of you and write obscenity right in front of your nose

».

Example: having published one of our projects on a popular entertainment and educational site on the RuNet, we were faced with the fact that the first ones were sharply negative. After that, it was clear that the situation would not change (see above) and we measured 2 parameters - the number of pluses/likes and the number of negative comments. Statistics only confirm the theory - more than a hundred pluses, a lot of positive feedback in personal messages, with more than 40 negative comments expressed publicly.

In total, anonymity, coupled with an aggressive social model, gives us an abundance of talented commentators, distinguished by their sophistication in blaspheming anything (“I haven’t watched it, but I condemn it”), as well as an uncontrollable zeal to prove their case to complete strangers at all costs. people whose opinions most often do not play any role in the life of the commentator.

What to do if there is an aggressor in the family

At work or among strangers, you can always avoid quarrels and just leave. But when the aggression comes from a family member, the situation becomes more complicated. You can get married and later notice a negative and angry attitude from your significant other, or experience it from a relative. In this case, it is important to learn not just to avoid conflict situations, but also to resolve them or even prevent them in advance.

Don't beat yourself up, but try to analyze your behavior. Perhaps you often ignore the requests of your loved ones or behave inappropriately, and their aggression is just a poorly chosen way to convey their desires to you. If the same mistakes are pointed out to you frequently, try correcting them and see the results. If the nagging continues, perhaps the relative was initially set up for conflict and is simply looking for an excuse.

Family is the closest people, and it is important to support them. Have a heart-to-heart talk with the aggressor, let him know that you see the problem and want to solve it. It can be more difficult to cope with the aggressive behavior of an elderly person or parents, since they have great authority in the family. But this does not mean that you should tolerate attacks in your direction. Feel free to defend your right to live peacefully in your home and look for a compromise.

LiveInternetLiveInternet

Friday, March 25, 2011 09:23 + to AmigoRain

all posts by the author
Stay calm during conflict and you will see how your opponent gradually begins to soften. Disputes in the office often turn into scandals. We will tell you how to redirect a quarrel in a peaceful direction. Avoid punches
The main thing to avoid during a heated argument is retaliatory aggression.
Responding to rudeness with rudeness is the first and natural human reaction, but its manifestation only leads to an escalation of aggression. “To neutralize the aggression coming from your opponent, you can use the technique of so-called psychological aikido,” advises Anna Mukhina, head of the career counseling department at the Center for Humanitarian Technologies. — Ordinary aikido is a fighting technique in which victory is achieved not through blows, but by dodging the opponent’s blows. If you don't respond aggressively, your opponent's attack hangs in the air and doesn't touch you. The basic principle of psychological aikido is to first agree with any thesis of the opponent and only then challenge it. As a result, the charge of aggression decreases and the interlocutor listens to your arguments more calmly.” Even if your interlocutor says something like “you’re a fool,” refrain from retaliating with insults and say: “You certainly have the right to think so.” The opponent will be stunned, and you will calmly express your objections to him. Let them speak
First of all, give your opponent time to calm down.
It is unlikely that you can have a constructive dialogue with an aggressive person. While your interlocutor is throwing lightning bolts at you, behave calmly and confidently, but without demonstrative sympathy or superiority. If the hysteria drags on, try to bring the person down with an unexpected remark or comment. You need to ask about something significant, but not relevant. A good option is to ask your angry opponent for advice. The main thing is that your comment sounds serious, otherwise it will resemble mockery and will anger the interlocutor even more. Another good way to calm the arguer is to periodically clarify his position by asking questions. Ask whether you understood his sentence correctly, and then retell it in your own words. This approach will allow you to demonstrate a respectful attitude towards your partner, which will certainly help reduce his aggression. Avoid assessments
You should not base your dialogue on accusations and constantly point out your opponent’s mistakes.
Avoid constructions such as “you didn’t,” “you promised,” or “it’s all because of you.” If you don't want to provoke further aggression, talk about your feelings. You can also talk about the consequences that occurred for you as a result of the actions of your interlocutor. Even if the essence of the statement remains accusatory, the form of presentation will soften it. In other words, instead of saying “you constantly dump your responsibilities on me,” it is better to formulate it as “I physically do not have time to fulfill the responsibilities for both of us.” Look for a compromise
Most often, a dispute on work issues becomes unconstructive when the participants, instead of looking for a way out of the current problem, begin to look for someone to blame.
This tactic is obviously losing; it leads to nothing but getting personal. The only true way is to abstract from emotions and try to find a compromise. Invite your interlocutor to express his thoughts and listen to them carefully. Don't try to prove anything to him. In the heat of a quarrel, it is very difficult to perceive logical arguments, no matter how strong and justified they may be. It’s better to look for common ground and try to reach agreement on at least those points that cause no objections either to you or your opponent. “There is one interesting psychological technique that allows you to convince your opponent that you are right,” says Anna Mukhina. — Ask your opponent at least three questions to which he will be forced to answer in the affirmative. After the answers are received, ask the question that caused disagreement among your opponent. You will see that even if the interlocutor does not completely agree with your thesis, he will already be less critical.” Part as friends
It is important to remember that ambition and reluctance to lose face (especially in front of witnesses) often provoke us to be rude in conflict.
However, we should not forget that often it is our pride and unwillingness to give in that most often shows us in the most stupid light. What could be more ridiculous than a leader in a pressed office suit, who stomps his feet, screams in falsetto, and makes comments to his interlocutors in the style of “he’s a fool”? An aggressive attack can actually gain the upper hand in an argument. However, a victory achieved by shouting, insults and strong-willed pressure, as a rule, turns out to be a Pyrrhic victory. After the short-term satisfaction from the imaginary victory over the enemy wears off, we realize that the relationship with a colleague, boss or partner is hopelessly damaged. Do not forget that the post-conflict period accompanies any quarrel without exception. During this period, the winner will revel in success, and the loser will feel depressed and humiliated. Obviously, such an emotional background is the most fertile ground for further conflicts. Another quarrel can break out at any moment over the most insignificant reason. Whatever the outcome of the dispute, remember that it is important to end it with dignity. When summing up the debate, be sure to state on what points you managed to reach an agreement with your opponent. To prevent further development of the conflict, try to find not only points of agreement with your opponent, but also some common cause that would help you quickly forget about disagreements. Effective advice
Distract the arguer with a question. If the interlocutor is aggressive, try to confuse him with an unexpected comment or question that is significant to him. You can, for example, ask for advice. This will help you dispel a little of your opponent's negative attitude. taken here

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How to deal with a drunken aggressive person

Even the calmest people can become angry and irritable when intoxicated. In such a situation, you should be extremely careful, since under the influence of alcohol a person becomes aggressive and is capable of causing harm to both himself and others.

Do not try to reason with a drunk person by shouting and accusing him. Be calm and friendly, then he will understand that he is not really in danger and no one wants to cause harm.

Keep the situation under control and don't let him get loose, otherwise it could end in a fight. This cannot be allowed, as the person will become more incensed, and the problem will become more global.

If a person shows aggression not because he is upset about something, but because he has drunk too much, do not try to convince him that you are right. Being very intoxicated, he does not understand what he is doing, and he must act as carefully as possible. If you see a real threat, contact the appropriate services for help. When the situation gets out of control, you can call the police, making sure that the aggressor does not suspect an impending threat. In some cases, this may bring the drunk to his senses, but there is a danger that he will become even more angry, so act based on what you know about the person.

How to communicate with an aggressive person

Communicating with an aggressive person is very difficult: when faced with aggression directed at us, we immediately go on a “sheer defense”, and this is quite understandable - after all, we are attacked, even if “just” with words! Instinct tells us either

fight or flee.

Sometimes avoiding a conflict is really the best choice: in this case, at least you will not have time to say anything that you will later regret. Well, if an aggressive person attacks you with a knife, then flight is perhaps the only reasonable way out of the situation!

You should never respond to anger with anger - this will only escalate the situation: it is much better to make every effort to maintain equanimity and a positive attitude in such a situation.

The correct internal installation plays a decisive role in this. Don’t allow yourself to think: “How dare he talk to me like that?” - these thoughts will only inflame your indignation more. Instead, tell yourself to remain calm and reassure yourself that you can handle the situation.

My own method of responding to anger is to dispassionately analyze it and understand: “Why is this person behaving this way? What is the reason?"

Try to remain objective in order to understand the motives for this person’s aggression, and even look at the situation through his eyes. It is quite possible that this person’s irritation is not caused by you at all, but by a certain situation - one or another event that made him angry. You need to figure all this out before his anger turns on you personally.

Give yourself a positive inner attitude and use

correct body language. Stay straight and as open as possible, telling yourself: “I am completely calm, I have the situation under control and I can solve this problem.” Breathe deeply. Maintain eye contact with the person and lean your body slightly towards him (although, of course, this requires some courage). You should also imitate his body language if possible, but if he's waving his fists in your face, you probably shouldn't imitate him! By “imitation” in this case I mean imitation within reasonable limits: for example, if a person is talking while standing, you should also stand, and if he is sitting, sit down too.

What to do next

So, you are in complete control of your inner voice and body language, now you should listen carefully to what is being said to you. In a state of anger, rarely does anyone manage to express their thoughts clearly. An angry person needs to let off steam first. Give

Don’t interrupt this opportunity for him. Let him speak completely. He still won’t hear any of your arguments until he cools down. Start asking questions only when he has expressed everything that is boiling inside him, but before that, summarize everything he said, accepting his point of view. This will give you the opportunity to find out whether you understood what you heard correctly, and show the interlocutor that he was listened to very carefully. Your voice should sound confident, that is, be even and restrained: do not shout or mutter under your breath.

Example:

“So, Mr. Smith, you are saying that our sales representative promised to come to meet you on Thursday, and you waited all day and nothing?”

"Exactly. Because of you, I wasted a whole day at work.”

Be involved when appropriate, and apologize if you or your organization did make a mistake.

“I sincerely apologize to you, Mr. Smith. I can imagine the terrible inconvenience we caused you. Let's now clarify some details and try to sort everything out. What was your order number?

You apologized and expressed sympathy for the person (in general, this could not be avoided), after which you asked an open-ended question to clarify the facts. One would hope that by this time Mr. Smith would have begun to cool down.

Sometimes you can try to defuse the situation by asking the angry person what action he expects you to take to resolve the conflict. This will mean that you are transferring the initiative and decision-making power into his hands. Perhaps you will catch him by surprise, and he will stop his attacks in surprise.

Seven stages of “taming” an angry person

To mitigate the severity of the conflict and resolve it, the following steps must be taken:

1) give your inner voice a positive attitude;

2) bring your body language into line with the situation;

3) listen carefully (active listening!) to everything they tell you;

4) summarize what your opponent said to make sure that you correctly understood the essence of the problem (this will also show that you really listened to what was said to you);

5) apologize and express sympathy (if the latter is necessary);

6) conduct probing using open-ended questions;

7)tell the person what you are going to do to solve the existing problem.

And finally, deliver on everything you promised!

What to do if the other person is clearly wrong?

If a person’s grievances and claims are unfounded, that is, if YOU are right, and not he, you should confidently state this. Defend your position while at the same time continuing to show interest in your opponent's opinion.

For example: “I understand perfectly well that you take all this so personally, Mary, but, alas, I just can’t agree with you.” You showed some concern for the other person's feelings, but then balanced that concession by expressing your own point of view.

If this does not calm your opponent, you should begin to act more assertively. For example: “I don’t think I’ve ever disrespected you in any way in my life, Mary, but I really need to know why you think that way.”

If after this the person continues to persist in his anger, take another confident step forward and again emphasize your point of view. For example: “I don’t agree with this.”

Do not allow a person to become stronger in his opinion if it is wrong. Guide him to a correct understanding of the situation.

If the person refuses to change his attitude and continues to shout and swear, you should set your own condition, for example: “Mary, if you do not stop talking to me in a raised voice, I will ask you to leave.”

If all your efforts are still unsuccessful, you should stop further attempts and do what you warned about, or, postponing discussion of the problem or dispute, offer to understand the causes of these clashes.

For example: “Listen, for the last three months we have been doing nothing but arguing, and it’s all to no avail. So let’s stop this dispute for now and still find out the reasons for its origin.”

Distract the person from figuring out who is right and who is wrong. Encourage him to analyze behavior and motivations to understand the origins of the conflict.

You may be able to look at an aggressive person with different eyes if you try to understand the motives for his behavior. Or maybe, in order to develop the right tactics for communicating with him, you need to better understand his character.

Whatever the reason for a person’s irritation, try to always remain calm: count to ten before answering, take a deep breath and try first of all to understand other people’s feelings and their origins, instead of concentrating on your own experiences.

We all react differently to stressors and perceive the same problems differently: what unbalances one person is quite normal for another. There is nothing surprising in this - just remember the differences in characters. Therefore, instead of telling a person: “I don’t understand why you are so upset, angry, offended over such trifles,” try to understand and accept the fact that we are all different. What is NOTHING for you is NOTHING for another person.

The article was prepared based on materials from Pauline Rawson’s book “Communication Techniques”

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