How to overcome addiction to communication on the Internet?

Love addiction, or relationship addiction, takes on different masks. Someone gets fixated on one partner and cannot get out of a relationship that, in fact, only brings suffering and depletes.

Someone often changes partners, but chronically cannot remain in a state of loneliness in order to at least take a little break from stormy romances and live for themselves.

Most often, women suffer without relationships. Although dependent men are also not uncommon.

What is the main sign of addiction among couples in love? These are the relationships about which they say: “You can’t leave, you can’t stay.” In this phrase, the comma constantly occupies different places, depending on the emotional state of the partners.

Everyone knows the signs of a dependent relationship. You are tormented, suffering, all your thoughts are absorbed by him or her, you constantly monitor your partner’s page on social networks, check his phone, throw tantrums and scenes of jealousy.

You make claims, accuse, make scandals, quarrel violently and make up in bed, you are constantly not satisfied, your beautiful couple is like an Italian family.

You scream, insult, cry, slam the door, but you cannot live without him or her.

Sound familiar? In the post-Soviet space, all this is usually called love, although this kind of relationship between a man and a woman has little in common with a bright feeling and real intimacy. We are talking about real addiction here.

Take and give

A healthy relationship between a man and a woman is a balance between receiving and giving. If we give something - attention, love, support - then we expect to receive something in return.

In dependent relationships there is always an imbalance. Someone acts as a donor (codependent partner), and someone acts as a recipient (in the psychology of relationships there is a term for such partners - counterdependent).

The codependent invests in the counterdependent like a black hole: resources, attention, care. And the counterdependent accepts it with pleasure, but is in no hurry to compensate for the expended energy.

Why does addiction occur? Its essence is the desire to receive compensation for effort and energy.

How OCD and neurosis differ from obsessive thoughts

Panic attacks - how to deal with it yourself, is it possible to get rid of it forever?

Intrusive thoughts constantly cause discomfort to a person. Despite having a strong desire to succumb to these ideas, he tries to suppress them. Because of this, the patient experiences compulsions.

Important! Compulsions are a set of actions that a person has to perform without his desire, so as not to lose control over his thoughts.

Obsessive actions combined with obsessions symbolize the presence of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The patient begins to count all the cars passing by or jump over cracks in the asphalt, because his thoughts “tell” him that something terrible will happen if he does not do this.

The mechanism of formation of OCD

Additional Information. If a person begins to avoid these actions with the help of willpower, his condition begins to worsen, these painful forms become an endless ritual.

OCD may also be called obsessive-compulsive disorder. For a long time, domestic medicine classified these diagnoses as different diseases. In the modern international classification of diseases ICD-10, neurosis is not present as a separate type of disease. Therefore, recently these two formulations mean the same illness.

Intrusive thoughts may be a symptom of schizophrenia

In addition, obsessions can be a symptom of other mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia, neurasthenia. To clarify the diagnosis, you need to visit a specialist. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is better to prevent depression and treat unpleasant consequences than to deprive yourself of prospects and a fulfilling life.

Dependency mechanism

For example, a girl met a guy. She thought about him a lot, perhaps they had already gone on several dates. The woman prepared for them for a long time, thinking about what to say and what to wear.

She rearranged her schedule, made concessions, abandoned other plans. I bought myself a dress and new underwear. All this is the energy that the woman spent.

The man felt that the girl was “stuck.” And he began to distance himself - speaking dryly on the phone, ignoring messages on social networks.

But what happens in a woman’s soul? Unconsciously, she is trying to receive compensation for the energy expended, to return “what is hers.” She wants the same attention.

And the woman begins to think about this man more and more. Monitors his accounts, conducts dialogues with him in her own head. Makes claims, expects investments from him, return of his energy.

And thereby again wastes even more resources! Accordingly, the need for compensation increases.

In the desire for this compensation, you can lose a lot - not only your time, money and mental strength, but even your own personality.

It seems to the girl that she cannot live without this or other relationships. And it's like running in a vicious circle. This is why it is so difficult to get out of the trap of love addiction.

How to get rid of it yourself

How to get rid of addiction to a man on your own - advice from a psychologist

If a person has obsessive thoughts and fears, he needs to know how to get rid of them. There are many psychological techniques that can help in self-suppression of obsession.

How to get rid of obsessive ideas and thoughts

The main condition is that you need to do them constantly so as not to encounter a debilitating condition again:

1. How to get rid of obsessive thoughts will help you understand an important rule: you don’t need to fight the negative flow of ideas. Delusional experiences already deprive a person of vital energy. If you consciously concentrate your attention on them, the body will quickly become exhausted. There is a saying: “In order not to think about a red rat, you need to think about a black cat.” Approximately similar repression can be used to combat obsessions. Using an imaginary “delete” button, you need to switch your attention to more pleasant things and experiences.
2. Creativity can help you get rid of obsessive thoughts. It is worth drawing your phobias and negative images on a sheet of white paper. Tear obsessive and painful ideas into small pieces, then burn them or throw them in the trash.
3. Observe the development of annoying thoughts. At what moments do they form, is there any pattern of appearance with the events taking place. Often, a person’s subconscious is able to look for various ways to protect themselves. For example, a person does not want to go to work or meet a friend. Because of this, he may have unpleasant ideas and images associated with this activity. A solution to the problem is to eliminate the source of negative associations.
4. If an individual is tormented by obsessive thoughts related to his appearance or character, then physical activity will help him cope with the illness. It will not only strengthen your spirit, improve your body and health, but also help you shift your attention from negative images, providing your brain with rest.
5. Positive affirmations can help in the fight against neurosis. It is worth transforming a negative thought into a positive and useful habit. For example, if an individual constantly experiences stress and anxiety because the iron is not turned off, his phobia can be reformulated as follows: “I am an attentive person, so I try to keep everything under control.” It is also advisable to remove the particle “not” in your own speech, since any denial can cause neurosis. You should replace “I can’t go to the movies because I’m working” with “I’ll go to work today because it’s more important than going to the movies.”
6. A sense of humor can relieve negative energy. For example, if a man constantly thinks in his head that a girl won’t like him at the first meeting, he needs to change his way of thinking. To do this, imagine how this girl gets scared, tries to run away, but falls, losing her shoes, and so on. Every thought must be brought to the point of complete absurdity until it begins to cause laughter.
7. Prayer can help religious people cope with negative thoughts; meditation can help agnostics. The sound vibrations of a prayer reading or mantra help to calm down. Quiet joy and peace are a good remedy for healing not only the body, but also the soul.

In addition to these techniques, you need to think about getting rid of bad habits.

The effect of alcohol on the human brain

Alcohol and tobacco products negatively affect health, which means the functioning of the brain and all body systems. Also, do not forget about treating yourself well. You need to love and accept your own personality with all its pros and cons.

Childhood developmental trauma

For relationship psychology, the topic of addiction is number one. Why are some people able to maintain boundaries with their partners, while others lose themselves in every love affair and literally lose themselves?

Relationship psychologists see the causes in childhood trauma.

If the girl’s mother did not satisfy her needs for intimacy and acceptance, was unpredictable, then brought her closer, then pushed her away, the child had to control her.

This control occurs unconsciously. What if an emotionally unstable mother screams or hits? The child has to turn on his “internal radar” and closely monitor his mother in order to predict her mood.

Mom can also be very cold and distant. The child has chronically unsatisfied vital needs for love and attention, and he will strive to get it at any cost.

How? Trying, again, to control the mother, to adapt to her. But the main thing is that a child cannot survive without a mother; in the psyche, dependence on the mother is “prescribed” at the evolutionary level.

And if the object of attachment in childhood did not satisfy the girl’s vital needs, she will transfer this model to almost all of her relationships with people, including men.

The essence of addiction is the constant hope of receiving love, which can never be justified. In psychology, this style of building relationships is called insecure attachment.

As children, not each of us could trust our very first partner - our parent. Accordingly, as adults, we are ready to sacrifice anything in exchange for love.

Advice from psychologists

In order for thoughts and desires to positively influence a person, it is necessary to change reality using the power of your mind.

Psychologists recommend: to change your life, you need to correct your thoughts

Practical recommendations and advice from psychologists will help with this:

1. In order not to face the problems of unpleasant images, it is necessary to develop positive thinking. Any negative ideas and emotions, even those directed at other people, are destructive. Therefore, you need to monitor your thoughts, dream and think only about what will have a beneficial effect on life. Periodic monitoring and training of thoughts will help you become calmer.
2. You shouldn’t accumulate negativity in yourself, but it’s also not recommended to take out your evil on people. An ordinary punching bag or screaming in the forest will help discharge without harming others.
3. If something ends in failure, you don’t need to scroll through your head with thoughts like “If I had done this, it would have been different.” Rely on what is here and now, and not on fictitious images.
4. Before each important event, imagine the process in your mind in a pleasant and colorful light.
5. Don't waste your life criticizing, gossiping and discussing other people. Such emotional overload is of no benefit. It is better to escape from the routine of life with a hobby and a walk.

After changing a person's thinking, his whole life will definitely change. Time moves, it is impossible to return it. Neurotic conditions only aggravate this process. You need to appreciate every minute of your life, so you shouldn’t waste them on poisonous obsessions of thoughts that only sow sadness and melancholy.

Is it possible to get rid of addiction in a relationship?

Human life can be roughly divided into three zones. The first zone is love, family, emotional attachments, just what we used to call relationships.

The second zone is the sphere of security and biological, bodily needs. This includes various pleasures: from solitude, a beautiful sunset, delicious food, healthy sleep, luxurious cosmetics, a good movie. This is the self-care zone.

The third area is achievements. Here are our ambitions, the need for recognition, self-realization, creativity, and career. The pleasure of social status and, to some extent, power over other people is also in this zone.

The problem of dependent women is that all their resources, all their attention is concentrated only in the first zone, while the second and third are undeservedly forgotten. What to do?

It will be effective not to get rid of it, but to develop other zones, redirect your attention, and “grow” other parts of your personality.

Do you think that the meaning of life is only in love, in creating a beautiful and lasting couple? Look for it in your career, in your work, in new creative projects.

Sooner or later, recognition from others will give you a rush of missing endorphins.

Are you sure that only next to a man in a serious relationship can you feel fulfilled and whole? Start paying attention to other pleasures in life.

Pamper yourself, start walking and nurturing your body, learn to live leisurely, savoring every minute, the taste of every bite of food and sip of drink.

At first, everything will seem bland and “not the same.” But here, like with the habit of drinking or smoking, you have to endure the “withdrawal” in order to then feel all the facets of a full-fledged existence.

Fortunately, with the right approach, emotional addiction is easier to overcome than chemical addiction.

At the same time, it is important for you to learn to satisfy your emotional needs on your own, to become your own “loving mother,” and not look for this function in a partner.

The concept of obsessive thoughts in psychology

In psychology there is such a thing as “mental chewing gum.” Just by the name you can understand that it is something viscous, sticky, addictive. An obsession and a stream of depressing thoughts are just this “chewing gum”. With such a mental state, forced images, ideas, and phobias form in a person’s head, forcing them to perform the same actions over and over again. Scientifically, this pathology is called “obsession.”

Examples of obsessions and images

Almost every person encounters this phenomenon at least once in their life. It can be expressed in the form of thoughts.

Examples of obsessive thoughts in a person

Painful thoughts can affect any area of ​​life. The main thing that distinguishes an obsessive thought from an ordinary one is the regularity of its occurrence and the provocation of the development of anxiety and restlessness.

How to get off the love needle?

These few tips will help you manage your emotions and avoid falling into a black hole of rejection and loneliness if something goes wrong in your relationship with your man.

1. Remove responsibility for your emotional state from your partner.

For example, you are offended that he spends time with friends and not with you. Instead of thinking about what a bad person he is, shift the focus to yourself.

Ask: how do I feel? How can I make myself feel less lonely? How can I please and entertain myself without him?

2. Try to stop yourself from having apocalyptic fantasies. For example, he left and doesn’t call for a long time, or maybe he doesn’t pick up the phone at all.

Again, ask yourself: what am I feeling? What can I do to relieve my anxiety?

3. Live “here and now.” Anxiety (this also includes the fear of losing a partner) always refers either to the past - to what has already happened, or to the future - to what has not happened yet.

Only in the present can you find emotional balance.

Any grounding technique helps to be present “here and now.” For example, scan your body with your imaginary gaze, pay attention to what you feel in your arms, legs, stomach, and neck area.

Try to determine where exactly your emotions “live” in your body. If you are overwhelmed by pain, resentment and other feelings that are not the most easily tolerated, try to feel the floor with both feet.

If possible, take off your shoes and sit, walk around, feel the “bottom” with your feet. This seemingly simple technique effectively helps you find peace of mind and quickly “ground yourself.”

4. Develop an observing ego. What does this mean? Try to look at yourself more often as if from the outside. Imagine that in a given situation you can react in different ways, and not just in the way you are used to.

For example, he left and doesn’t call. Mentally imagine - how else can you react to such a situation other than suffer? Go through the options. For example, you might wonder: why did he disappear? You can get angry: he left - well, I didn’t really want to.

You can forget it and immediately switch to other things. Try the roles of different women, not just the role of a love addict. Realize that your feelings belong only to you, but you have the power to change your attitude.

5. Develop the ability to delay immediate gratification for the sake of your overall quality of life. Include reflection and analysis of the situation, learn to take into account the consequences of your actions.

Of course, you will be very pleased, you will want to meet him again immediately. But try to slow down a little, turn on the “ration”. Do you really think a man is interested in you if he disappears for two weeks?

Guys don’t like available and reliable girls; this is the psychology of a man in a relationship with a woman. And you know this very well at a deep level, although your addiction is trying to convince you that this is not important at all, and your case is not like that.

Analyze as much as possible with a cool head, make friends between your feelings and your mind.

6. Restore sensitivity to your personal boundaries. In codependent families, the boundaries of time, space, money, and body are practically not respected. Everything is common, everything belongs to everyone.

This is expressed both in open doors to the restroom and in a shared account with social networks.

Try to answer yourself the question more often: where is mine personally? What belongs to me and what belongs to my partner?

Do you have your own room or your own corner in the kitchen? Can you set aside time, even 15 minutes a day, to spend in complete solitude?

7. Learn to determine your needs, but without being tied to your loved one. For example, you want him to be nearby. Ask yourself - why? To feel what? If you want attention, you can get it with your friends.

Do you want to be needed? This need can be satisfied both at work and with children.

Remember that anger and resentment are markers of unmet needs. Look for ways to get what you want.

8. Take a course of psychotherapy. You can read a lot of smart books, listen to lectures and webinars, but nothing can replace direct communication with a psychologist.

Learn to say no

When you want to please, it is, of course, difficult to refuse.

But it is vital to your own happiness, emotional well-being, and the life you truly want to live.

Here are 5 things that helped me say no more often:

— Disarm your interlocutor and indicate your need. It's easier for people to accept your refusal if you disarm them first. For example, say that you are flattered and appreciate the kind offer. And then add that you simply don’t have time for this request.

— If people are annoying, tell them how you feel. Communicate your feelings that the proposal doesn't quite fit into your life right now. Or that you feel overwhelmed or too busy to do everything you want. Your sincere admission of your feelings will help people understand you better. Plus, it's much harder to argue with how you feel than what you think.

-Help me a little. If possible, end by recommending someone who could help or would be better suited for the task. I do this quite often when I feel like I don't have enough knowledge or experience to help a reader or friend.

— By reminding yourself why it’s important to say “no” sometimes, you teach people the way you behave. They learn about you and your boundaries based on your actions. So if you stand your ground, say no, be firm about what you don't want, people will start to understand. And over time, you will encounter less and less situations where someone is trying to put pressure on you.

- It's normal to feel a little guilty when you say no - but you don't have to act on that feeling. Just feel it and let the feeling be there for a while. But at the same time, remember: this does not mean that you should be guided by it and say “yes” or do what others want from you.

You can become emotionally dependent on another person in the following ways:

– People who mistakenly assume that lovers should literally share everything between two, even goals and desires. After a certain time, they are no longer able to separate their desires from the desires of their partner.

– In other cases, emotional dependence develops when a person tries with all his might to meet the expectations of his partner. She adjusts her desires, emotions, her unique human nature to the desires of her partner. Such a person suppresses protest and anger in himself, just not to swear.

– In other cases, a person transfers his emotions to his loved one, endows him with his own personality traits and enjoys their romantic inseparability.

Often this happens on an unconscious level and is resolved by the body psychosomatically.

A dependent person inevitably falls into the position of a victim. This means that his emotional state is dictated by the other person's reaction to him. Here the helplessness of the individual inevitably arises.

And most importantly, the longer dependent relationships develop, the more the addict’s personality weakens as such: such a person can no longer rely on himself, does not distinguish between his desires and the person on whom he depends, and is also not aware of his emotions, needs, i.e. The core of such a person’s personality weakens.

Women are more likely to be emotionally dependent on a man or a loved one. This leads to different types of addiction:

– A woman gets used to the role of a housewife, and even when the children grow up, she devotes herself sacrificially to the family.

– A woman tries to save her family at any cost, not even allowing the thought of breaking up the relationship, and this is where DEPENDENCE begins.

– A woman, on a subconscious level, assures herself that her chosen one is an ideal to devote her life to. Such sacrifice is typical for dependent women.

– Marriages in which one of the partners is given the role of head of the family. Psychological and material dependence develops from it.

– Those who seem to “merge” with their partner. They have all the interests, desires, and needs in common; they are no longer aware of their own desires and needs.

– For women who believe that it is impossible to live without their other half, “this is true love,” but this is not so, this is addiction.