Passive aggression: what it is, prevention, methods of protection

What is passive aggression?

Since the number of people with mental disorders is constantly growing, it is important to know what passive aggression is, how it manifests itself, and how you can protect yourself from it.

Hidden aggressive behavior is characterized by suppressed expression of anger. A person inertly resists the negativity emanating from an opponent. The purpose of this behavior is to achieve what you want through hidden hostility. Note! The term passive aggression was first used by an Englishman. This is Colonel William Menninger during World War II.

Those who practice passive-aggressive communication never openly say what they don't like. Such people are constantly tense. But the accumulated negativity requires a way out, which is manifested by refusal to do something or a silent boycott. This behavior is aggressive because the protest is expressed in a hidden form.

Suppressed anger is manifested by sabotage, unconscious sabotage, procrastination, neglect, and sarcasm. A hostile manner of communication destroys relationships in the family or at work and makes people unhappy. The disorder occurs when a person does not allow himself to express anger. He cannot show emotions, describe anger in words, or express it with action (hitting the table with his fist). Therefore, rage appears secretly.

Personality type test

A total pattern of resistance to standards in the professional and social spheres arises in early adulthood. It is expressed in different contexts. A number of signs indicate passive aggression. Human:

1. Postpones work and does not complete what is needed on time.
2. Becomes irritable, gloomy, or begins to argue with a person asking him to do something he does not want.
3. Intentionally slow or poor performance.
4. He claims that those around him place increased demands on him.
5. Fails to fulfill obligations, citing forgetfulness.
6. Believes that he does a job much better than what others estimate.
7. Takes offense at advice given by others.
8. Obstructs other people's actions by not doing their part.
9. Despises or criticizes those in power.

Causes of the disorder

The human psyche includes two main components: sexuality and aggressiveness. The latter is the driving force through which the desired is achieved. The leading emotion associated with it is anger.

Although many consider anger a negative manifestation, it is thanks to this quality that people survive. When aggression is suppressed and contained, negative energy accumulates inside. This is very dangerous for mental health.

The ability to suppress anger develops in childhood. A small defenseless child cannot be on equal terms with his parents: defeat them with actions or defend himself verbally. Children are forced to obey and restrain themselves.

Note! A rude, estranged husband, a child desperate for suicide, an employee who puts off important things for later - all this is typical of a passive-aggressive personality.

The suppression of anger is an unfinished reaction of the body. All emotions are divided into a spectrum of hormones to which the body reacts. Anger is expressed by clenched fists, jaws, hypertension, tachycardia. This is not controlled by the brain, but appears at the level of instincts. If there is a physical or verbal threat, then reflexes are triggered involuntarily and irrevocably.

Children physically experience all emotions, but cannot often express them due to parental prohibitions. Therefore, gradually the child learns to suppress anger using two methods of reaction:

1. Constantly silent and patient. When a child is tired of keeping everything to himself, he experiences an uncontrollable attack of aggression.
2. Does not notice his own anger, which forms a certain behavior. The child is always dissatisfied, creates conflicts, blames everyone, and is constantly indignant.

Thus, passive aggressive behavior comes to us from childhood. Over the years, the disorder becomes an integral part of the character. Therefore, people do not even notice that they have such a mental disorder, especially if they do not know exactly how the disorder manifests itself.

Typical Installations

The behavior of patients with PPD expresses their cognitive patterns. Procrastination and poor quality of work are caused by indignation at the need to perform duties. A person is determined that he has to do what he does not want. The attitude towards procrastination is to follow the path of minimal resistance. For example, a person begins to believe that the matter can be postponed until later. When faced with the adverse consequences of not fulfilling duties, he expresses dissatisfaction with those around him who have power. It may manifest itself in an outburst of anger, but most likely passive methods of revenge will be used. For example, sabotage. In psychotherapy, behavior may be accompanied by refusal to cooperate in treatment.

Signs of passive aggression

Since the passive aggressor acts secretly, even despite the feeling of psychological pressure, many do not immediately recognize who is in front of them. To easily identify disruptive behavior, you need to clearly understand how the disorder manifests itself. A good example would be real life incidents and certain methods of manipulation used by the attacking party.

Characteristic features of the behavior of a hidden aggressor:

Sabotage is another trait characteristic of a hidden aggressor. Having received a difficult job, he will initially agree to do it. But subsequently, the hidden tyrant will delay the result, coming up with all sorts of excuses, asking for help from others.

Note! Every person uses passive-aggressive behavior at some point in their life.

Also, individuals who do not openly express negative emotions like to provoke other people to anger. Such people prefer to do dirty tricks behind their backs. If someone has wronged them unfairly, they take revenge secretly by spreading gossip.

Automatic thoughts

The conclusions that a person with PPD makes reflect his negativism, isolation and desire to choose the path of least resistance. For example, any requests are considered as a manifestation of demands and importunity. A person's reaction is to automatically resist instead of analyzing his desire. The patient is characterized by the belief that others are trying to use him, and if he allows this, he will become a nonentity. This form of negativism extends to all thinking. The patient seeks a negative interpretation of most events. This applies even to positive and neutral phenomena. This manifestation distinguishes a passive-aggressive person from a depressed patient. In the latter case, people focus on self-judgment or negative thoughts about the future, the environment. The passive-aggressive individual believes that others are trying to exert control over them without appreciating them. If a person receives a negative reaction in response, then he assumes that he was again misunderstood. Automatic thoughts indicate irritation that appears in patients. They quite often insist that everything must go according to a certain pattern. Such unreasonable demands contribute to a decrease in resistance to frustration.

Passive-aggressive personality disorder

Practicing psychologists have long noticed that men are more susceptible to passive aggression. Modern women more often show their feelings openly, without being afraid to shout, swear, or directly express dissatisfaction.

In men

Hidden aggression is a problem for many men. When there is no strength and resources to openly challenge an opponent to battle, then disguised resistance is used.

Such men consider themselves powerless. Aggressors do not show initiative, behave irresponsibly and indecisively.

Relationships with partners and women are built on lies, ambiguity, and empty apologies. Other typical behaviors associated with a passive aggressor:

• Failure to fulfill requests due to false forgetfulness.
• Ignoring other people's expectations.
• Distortion of true information.
• Postponing any tasks.
• Devaluation of the interlocutor.
• Avoidance of answers.
• Interruption.
• Blaming others for all your problems.
• Hostile attitude towards women.
• Negation.
• Lack of a clear life position.

Among women

Every woman has traits that also include passive-aggressive behavior. This is the ability to show emotions and think at the same time, avoidance of risks (responsibility), indirectness.

Passive aggressive personality disorder in women combines emotions and intelligence. The weaker sex can subtly, almost imperceptibly control and manage their hidden anger. A woman uses passive aggression as a tool to get what she wants and to manipulate men.

Men's hidden anger is much simpler. Aggression is more likely aimed at instincts and spoils the quality of life more than improves it. Women are naturally more sensitive. They quickly recognize aggression, as they are more susceptible to stress.

A woman's hidden anger is more complex and intellectualized. The abuser is capable of making strategic plans and then launching psychic attacks, dividing them into stages that last for weeks or even months. And the most dangerous and complex attacks involve loved ones.

Main causes of aggression

To date, this disorder has not been fully studied. However, it was found that passive aggression occurs 2-3 times more often in men than in women.

Such people constantly feel humiliated, and they may be bothered by feelings of guilt. What reasons can lead to such a condition? Let's look at the main ones.

• Anxiety. Those people who are constantly suspicious often suffer from depression. Individuals with such problems become apathetic and do not want to resist. They can only agree with the opponent’s opinion, even if it is fundamentally different from their own. At the same time, strong aggression arises in the soul towards the person who is trying to impose his opinion.
• Passivity. People who are unable to solve their problems in life and constantly run away from them often suffer from passive aggression. Moreover, the initial cause is not necessarily the problem; often such a trait is inherent in the character.
• Gullibility. This is a problem if a person is an adult, but still with childish naivety believes everyone around him. Such people are easy to manipulate. They do not realize the danger that threatens if they agree with everyone and trust them.

  

Solution

To correct thinking and behavior, a passive aggressor needs to undergo treatment with a psychotherapist. During therapy, the doctor teaches the patient to believe in himself and overcome frustration. It is also important to learn to identify irritation, and then, without violating social boundaries, correctly express your dissatisfaction.

During treatment, strict rules must be followed. To overcome moments of passive-aggressive behavior, the method of discouraging is used. The psychotherapist offers the patient a change in requirements. This allows the client to break out of the usual pattern of behavior.

It is important that a patient with a passive-aggressive character type understands the negative consequences of his actions and gets rid of a number of attitudes that make him insecure. An equally effective method of treatment is conducting socio-psychological training.

Classification

The DSM-I divided reactions into three categories: passive-aggressive, passive-dependent, and aggressive. The second was characterized by helplessness, a tendency to cling to those around them, and indecision. The first and third categories differed in people's reactions to frustration (the inability to satisfy any need). The aggressive type, which in a number of aspects has signs of antisocial, shows irritation. His behavior is destructive. A passive-aggressive person makes a dissatisfied face, becomes stubborn, begins to slow down his work, and reduce its effectiveness. The DSM-II places this behavior in its own category. At the same time, aggressive and passive-dependent types are included in the group of “other disorders”.

How to stop being aggressive?

People rarely admit that they have passive aggressive personality disorder. That's why they don't turn to a psychotherapist. Often close people point out the problem to them. The success of therapy is determined by the stage of development of the disease.

Changing behavior patterns on your own is very difficult, but possible. First, you need to establish the cause of the disorder by carefully analyzing your behavior in childhood. Often the appearance of the disease is facilitated by:

• constant conflicts between parents;
• punishment from elders for the child’s expression of feelings or expression of his own opinion;
• authoritarian education.

Anger, like sadness and joy, is natural for humans. You can't get rid of the basic emotion, but you can learn to manage your own anger so that negative emotions are released rationally.

Recommendations that, if followed, can free you from hidden anger:

• Mastering self-regulation techniques.
• Experiencing and understanding all your emotions and feelings.
• Regular relaxation (sports, dancing, other hobbies).
• Expressing your own dissatisfaction.
• Mandatory contact with a psychotherapist.

Passive aggression goes away if you find other methods to protect yourself or defend your position. But these methods must be socially acceptable and exclude violence and open hostility.

Emotions

For patients with PAPD, irritation and anger will be common conditions. This is understandable because people feel they are being held to arbitrary standards and are undervalued or misunderstood. Patients often fail to achieve their goals in the professional sphere, as well as in their personal lives. They are unable to understand how their behavior and attitudes influence the difficulties they experience. This leads to further irritation and dissatisfaction as they again believe that circumstances are to blame. Patients' emotions are largely determined by their vulnerability to external control and the interpretation of requests as a desire to limit their freedom. When interacting with others, they constantly expect demands to be made and, accordingly, resist.

How to get rid of it?

First of all, don’t speculate for others. Why - I have already briefly talked about the “third person effect”, but I would like to give a couple more examples so that the idea becomes completely clear. Svetlana Ivanova, in her article “ No need to speculate for others
” for the Harvard Business Review, suggests distinguishing between a fact and a hypothesis. A fact is an action that has taken place, and a hypothesis is our guess about why (from what motive) it was performed. In other words, a fact can be compared to the patient’s illness, and a hypothesis can be compared to the diagnosis that we make. At the same time, Ms. Ivanova advises, one should not forget that the symptoms of different diseases can be the same. This means that in relation to some situations (not all, of course), you can try to build different hypotheses about why your colleague behaved in one way or another. From my life, I can remember one person who interrupted his colleagues all the time, but he learned about his habit of interrupting only after he was told about it directly. Yes, yes, a person may sincerely not be aware of some of his behavior patterns that infuriate others. And, for that matter, in some cultures (for example, Hindus) interrupting means showing interest, not disrespect.

So, let’s learn a lesson: we don’t speculate, and if we do, we try to understand a person’s system of motivations, of which he usually has several, and evaluate the plausibility of our assumptions. Of course, there are situations in which you need to react quickly to certain actions of your colleagues, and you need to be able to recognize these situations. But more on that later.

Secondly, many of us need to reconsider our attitude towards confrontation. When I suggest people not to be afraid to react to the “wrong” behavior of colleagues, they say to me: “And how do you imagine this: I’ll just start swearing at him in the middle of a meeting, or what?” No, of course – it’s just that the word “conflict” has a negative connotation for most, which is understandable: after all, the absence of it is the ideal state of a normal person. Professor of Public Policy Gerald Warburg (University of Virginia) in the course “Challenges for Public Policy of the 21st Century” conveyed one idea that may have cost me my entire studies as a political scientist: the purpose of conflict is not a quarrel; its goal is to find common ground. Without this attitude, many conflicts will remain unresolved. After all, it is quite possible that the person did not have the slightest intention to offend you. And it often happens that the words of our friends “lie” on some of our inner fears, doubts and experiences that others were not even aware of, and then we interpret other people’s words and actions in the shadow of these very experiences. Therefore, if you have doubts about what a colleague or partner meant, it is best to immediately ask him about this.

In addition, conflict is a way to convey yourself and your position. It often happens that those who do not express their interests or feelings remain the losers. That's why conflicts are needed. And besides, they are inevitable - since we all have too different sets of interests, beliefs and motivations. Therefore, you need to learn to lead conflicts and sometimes go into open confrontation - which, however, does not mean at all that you will have to quarrel, as many imagine. You can and should express yourself and respond to people calmly, clearly expressing your thoughts so that they definitely reach the addressee. Within the framework of this article, I cannot talk in detail about how to handle a conflict, so I will only say that you should not be afraid to speak openly with colleagues and partners about the problems that concern you. Try to understand the person when you listen to his arguments, but also do not forget to defend your own. If you see that a person is absolutely not ready to meet you halfway, then you will have to do one of two things: either start ignoring his attacks, or learn to respond to him immediately, as hostility manifests itself - but again, calmly, without disruptions and without intrusiveness. ideas to annoy the irritant. Learn to describe situations without value judgments, just to the point: what the problem is and what, in your opinion, is its solution. It is better to react to a source of stress immediately and precisely to the source itself, and not to those who accidentally come to hand. I used the word “calmly” twice and I will back up my words with one piece of Chinese wisdom I heard: “ A calm husband is a strong husband.”

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Thirdly, learn to notice the emergence and manifestations of passive aggression in yourself. Just pay attention to what happens when someone does or says something you don't like. Did you get an open reaction? If not, how did you feel and what did you think about afterwards? How often did you think about this incident, did you try to replay it? Did the negative emotions that you experienced that time manifest themselves later? Believe me, such cases will not keep you waiting - there are too many irritants around us! After experiencing a certain number of such situations, you will learn to recognize and cope with passive aggression. And having learned to do this by your own example, begin to observe how this happens in others - believe me, you will again find plenty of examples. You can consider that you have done a great job if you learn to recognize “triggers” that are especially painful for you - events (whether active actions or remarks) that make you so angry that you are no longer in control. able to react in a balanced way. Try to minimize the number of these triggers.

Fourthly, you must learn to distinguish between words and actions that really hurt and upset you, and those that, although they do not correspond to your ideas about “correctness,” but which you can still “close your eyes” with a calm heart. Understand what principles you have, which are contained in your personal “DNA”, which you simply cannot go against - the rest can simply be ignored.

Fifthly, many of us are afraid of the manifestation of normal human feelings: fatigue, irritation, resentment. There are those who, on the contrary, show negative emotions too often and gradually get bogged down in their own negativity. And you need to take, as usual, the golden mean, although striving for eternal positivity and “zen”.

In general, try to live an easy, fun life, do more of what gives you pleasure. Be active and proactive, and then you will have minimal room for negativity in your life.

Reasons from childhood

Often this problem arises from early childhood. There are often cases when a child is teased at school, but he is afraid to answer directly and may do something nasty. At this age, such behavior is most amenable to correction. Parents and the teacher (class teacher) must have a conversation and teach the child to verbally fight back. If we are talking about a boy, then you can sign him up for boxing. This will give the child confidence and save him from developing passive aggression.

Drug therapy

This problem cannot be treated with drug therapy. Drugs can only be used to suppress the consequences - severe depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, apathy, and so on.

Passive aggression can only be treated through conversations with the person. At the same time, they should be aimed at self-analysis. A person needs to figure out why he reacts this way and not otherwise, why he experiences negative emotions, why he tries to run away from his problems. This is the only way to provide effective help to the patient.