Have you ever wondered why a wedding ring is placed on the ring finger of the right hand? The fact is that it is from there that the artery passes to the heart. One can only believe that true marriages are made in heaven, and therefore only because of simple, but such true love. Why do people start families? Social science has been actively finding more and more answers to this question for many years, however, the positions of scientists and other public figures on this issue often diverge. And this is not surprising, because the more serious the question, the more difficult it is to find an answer.
Karmic dependence
Upon reaching a certain age, a person’s worldview is formed in accordance with the standards of modern society. From the earliest years, almost everyone observes the development of the family institution, thanks to which a scheme for building their own life is gradually created in their subconscious. It would be great if any child had the opportunity to observe home comfort and warm relationships between parents from the very beginning of their journey. Perhaps then the most common problems among young people today would not arise, including the fear of starting a family, a hasty decision in choosing a partner, an irresponsible attitude towards already formed ties, and so on.
It is important to note that there is another opinion: often unfavorable conditions within the family give the child special motivation and the desire to overcome all this “darkness”, thanks to which he continues to build a life purely at his own discretion.
However, regardless of the circumstances presented, every person sooner or later falls in love, and often more than once. If the relationship brings comfort and a feeling of happiness to both partners (and it is different for everyone), the couple decides to seal it through marriage. Now the spouses have to work together to build their beautiful future. Now the two have a common goal - to be happy. This is why it is so important that energy relations know no boundaries. The stronger they are, the more satisfaction each spouse will receive from life.
“We have forgotten why a family is created” (+VIDEO)
Is it possible to build a family life without conflicts or at least make them less destructive? Why are today's spouses sometimes so intolerant of each other? Is the husband always the head of the family, and what does it actually mean to be the head of the family? And are both quarreling people always to blame for conflicts? Is the spouses’ churching the key to a strong marriage? We talk with Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov about the situation on the family front - today sometimes you can’t say otherwise, there are such battles between two seemingly loving people.
– Father Dimitri, hello! Thank you very much for agreeing to answer questions from the Pravoslavie.ru portal. Today we would like to talk about conflicts in the family. In your opinion, what is the catalyst for these conflicts?
– Conflicts happen not only in the family. Much more often they are at work; they can be in a classroom, in a military team... or just on a tram. I don’t know how it is in space, but I suspect that they cannot help but be there, especially when the flight is long. This, unfortunately, is an ordinary situation for a person.
And the reasons are that all people are free and everyone has their own interests. And since all people are proud, they put their own interests higher than the interests of another person.
If a conflict manifests itself in a large meeting of people, then the general meeting can put a person in his place. For example, when it is a full-fledged and multi-generational family, or, to put it in a more understandable language, a clan. There, too, there are conflicts, and there may be shouting and resentment, but the clan decides whether to be this way or that way. And when the family is small, a three-year-old child can already be the head of it.
– Literally?
- Yes, literally. He solves everything - with the help of screams and hysterics. He is used to getting his way at all costs, and by the age of three this becomes a stable skill, so that he begins to rule everyone.
– And if this is not understood, then what could this lead to in the future?
- To the point that he will become a very difficult person to communicate with. Of course, the range of his techniques will expand, but in principle everything will be the same, to which he has been accustomed since the age of three.
– Is it possible to somehow correct this situation?
“It doesn’t need to be corrected; it needs to be worked on from the moment he was born, and even earlier.”
Procession
I’ll emphasize right away: I’m talking about the family only as a domestic Church, only as a Christian family, because I don’t know anything else. And the kind of family God intended - and it was intended precisely as a domestic Church - for me is the most suitable way for people to survive. Therefore, everything that the world understands by family is beyond the scope of my interests. Let sociologists or specialists in criminal law deal with these conflicts, I am not very interested.
Most of our marriages are carried out hastily, thoughtlessly: people starting a family are completely unprepared for this
Most of our marriages are carried out hastily, thoughtlessly: people getting married are completely unprepared for this - neither psychologically, nor in such a scientific way, or even in terms of that. They simply succumb to a very powerful attraction to the opposite sex, which all mammals have at a certain period of their lives. For people, of course, this shouldn’t be the case, because we have been given reason, we have tradition and we have religion. And there are always people who you can ask for advice, who are wise from life experience. If young people rely only on themselves, then “Mr. Chance” operates: lucky/unlucky. This is how sayings like “I have no luck with men” arise. The attitude towards marriage as a search for a man is a purely animal attitude. Of course, nothing good will come of this.
– Father, there is a widespread belief that every family at a certain time - in a year, in three years, in seven years... - is experiencing a crisis. Do you agree with this?
A person changes over time, but we are not ready to accept the new in him
- No. Although you can take a closer look at this data. The point is this: there are certain psychological patterns of the average Soviet person. Over the course of life, a person changes, these changes accumulate, and suddenly people see something new in another person. But the majority are categorically not ready to accept certain discoveries in each other. If there was a certain tradition - educational, spiritual, family and educational, then people would be ready for such changes and would overcome the “crises” that arise from these situations quite easily. And since our people live in complete darkness about this, they don’t know what to do. They are completely unprepared for childhood crises; for example, they do not know what to do with them.
Modern parents are capable of only one thing - to take the child so that he does not bother him - anywhere: to children's institutions, which everyone longs for, or to grandmothers... And to delve into the situation themselves, read some book about it, start working with their own child, find out what he lacks, what spiritual vitamin... Well, what are you talking about! Just now I saw a fragment of one program: a mother accuses her daughter of starting to steal at the age of eight. But any person involved in pedagogy will say: if a child starts stealing at the age of 8, this is not a sign that he is a thief and will become a thief in the future, it just means that the child lacks affection. Because children who steal usually buy candy, biscuits, and chewing gum and give it to their peers in order to earn their favor, which to some extent compensates for this lack of affection. And the thirst for this affection is so great that they are ready to endure screaming and beatings from their mother. Because the desire for affection is very strong, and mothers get used to beatings just like they get used to the fact that it snows in winter.
– Can a person who has not yet “finished his wings” before marriage grow up in family life and find an incentive for his inner growth?
– It happens, but quite rarely. Usually this lack of development - when there is no faith, no feelings, no mind, no heart - leads to the fact that even very elderly people, of retirement age, act like dogs every day - I know this from confession. It becomes their way of life. They react to everything in the same way as children in kindergarten. They constantly snarl, put each bast in a line - and live by it. Moreover, they think that this, in fact, is life, and they get used to it.
You can, of course, “grow up,” but on the condition that one fell in love with the other, and this love is not just sensual, “because he plays the guitar well,” but there is something in that person that is so strongly attractive that it compels him to serve him; and the other has a willingness to forgive and gradually, over the course of decades, influence the character of his life partner. Which, out of a feeling of gratitude and such a kind attitude towards oneself, begins to change very smoothly. But it is not fundamental to change, but simply his attacks of frenzied selfishness become less frequent, and so rare that they allow the one who doomed himself to such a marriage to live.
– Father, this is a situation that is not uncommon today: two people meet, they live together, they don’t think about the registry office yet, outwardly their relationship looks prosperous, and they themselves seem to be pleasant people, but as soon as they decide to legalize their relationship, suddenly everything starts abruptly change. You probably know such couples very well. How can all this be explained?
- There’s nothing simpler! Before, they lived like two friends, each with their own lives, enjoying communication. And in addition, these are creatures of different sexes, giving each other illicit marital joys that, in fact, do not belong to them. But everything is before the first test: the onset of pregnancy, or manifestations of dissatisfaction with the older generation, or - usually this is initiated by a woman - expressing a desire to move to another status: from a temporary mistress to a legal spouse - which is very difficult, because when a man loves a woman, he wants marry her, wants to serve her, and if he wants to take advantage of her... By the way, it happens that not only a man wants to “take advantage of her.” The other day a young man called me and said: “Father Dimitri, I don’t need to look for a job,” and he came so that I could help him with this, “because my wife kicked me out.” The cohabitant is called “wife” in order to camouflage the relationship as a non-existent civil marriage. Because a civil marriage is one that is concluded in government agencies, which is why it is called a civil marriage.
So, when cohabiting, the expressed desire to move to a “different status” is already a conflict. At first everything was very nice, because there were no complaints, and the desire for marriage is already a complaint. A claim to the way of life that, in fact, united them, which is accompanied by such words as “I feel good with you,” “I love you,” “you are mine like this and that” - but in fact there is no responsibility , there is no desire to serve a person, there is no desire to make him happy. This relationship is very shallow. And due to the fact that they are an imitation of a family, they ruin the ability for family life.
– Even for the future?
Premarital cohabitation kills the ability for family life, reinforcing certain behavioral stereotypes
- Yes, definitely. Because, as psychologists say, dynamic stereotypes arise, which then influence a person, and he experiences some confusion. In ancient times, in all nations, both the young maiden and the young man were always oriented only towards marriage. With the exception of creatures who were engaged in this as a craft - then they simply, like eunuchs, doomed themselves in advance to the fact that there would never be any family, but there would be a profession that would generate enough income to live without cultivating the land, without fighting, without building... - live on a salary, but you must sacrifice your family life in the future. This, of course, is grief for man, because God has a completely different purpose for man.
And such an optional attitude towards marriage and family greatly affects a person’s soul. This is all heartbreaking. Now, it happens that when a person is slightly drunk, he is very cheerful and very witty, but the price for this is small, because behind this fun there is nothing except some kind of joke. And for a half-drunk company it’s nice. He is not drunk, but half-drunk - in the Russian language there is even a special term: “drinking,” that is, he has already drunk, but not so much as to be drunk. And in every village there is a different level of drunkenness, and they are treated differently. Chasing his wife with an ax is one stage, but when he chases two neighbors at the same time, this is another stage.
Even in cohabitation, they are so drunk.
But a person, having lost the tradition of taking marriage seriously, having lost his religiosity, because marriage is a religious matter, a Divine institution... - and so, such a person to some extent becomes an animal. With all the ensuing difficulties and consequences. And animals also sometimes squabble, but a person in such cohabitation cannot achieve humanity, not to mention become a Christian - he begins to live a completely dog’s life.
– Father, what would you say to those men who tell their wives: “You are no longer the same, there are younger and more attractive ones, and I am leaving you...”
- Well, yes, there are, of course, young people who are ready to give in at the first whistle. And a man can survive another “civil marriage”, and so there are five, six, seven of them during his life. Why are men okay with all this? Yes, no responsibility, almost minimal expenses, no children. But this person loses such an important treasure as his family. Because his “family” is very superficial. It’s the same as if a person sang a song all his life: “Once upon a time there was a black cat - and now it’s the other way around... Ta-ta-taram-ta-ta-ta-ta,” although there is completely different music - Haydn, for example. But he doesn’t know this and won’t know, just like a person who has eaten only hominy all his life doesn’t know that there are also grapes and avocados. Actually, this is one of the next forms of dehumanization, turning oneself into a rather unpleasant mammal.
– Is it possible to direct the flow of the conflict in such a direction that a person who has a tendency to sort things out very violently can defuse himself with the least damage to others and himself? And how to do this?
– I sometimes advise people who find themselves in such a situation to take it to the point of absurdity. There is a mathematical rule: it is absurd, therefore it is false. If we bring such a situation to the point of absurdity, then the other side, if it has some rudimentary remnants of intelligence, can figure out what’s what and make some kind of compromise. What is compromise? You for me, I for you. You don't swear - I don't hit plates on your head. Just! “And I,” he says, “are used to swearing.” - “And I’m used to breaking plates.” Something like this, for example, can be recommended.
We need to come to an agreement. But it seems that people are no longer able to hear each other
But the best thing is when two people agree. If they are capable of it, of course. What I sometimes doubt when I see our talk shows is that, of course, such characters are specially selected there, but it seems that people are no longer able to hear each other at all. But if you talk while excited, you won’t be able to agree on anything. Then you need to try to attract a calm person who is friendly towards both conflicters, and in his presence as a kind of arbitrator... a person, not a judge... you can discuss everything. Who is ready to make concessions on what - just list everything. For example: I categorically dislike this and that about my husband/my wife. Can he/she exclude this from life? If yes, then life will immediately improve. This is very easy to achieve in 10 minutes. If there is a desire to meet halfway, then this problem can be solved. Provided that the family is dear, if there is love for the spouse, if there is care for the children. Because it happens that one spouse doesn’t care what the children eat, but the other believes that they need to eat healthy food, and for this he is ready to go shopping, and choose, and prepare specially.
– Tell me, what should spouses do in a situation where one of them cheated on the other? Is it generally possible to forgive treason and betrayal?
– What do you mean – it’s possible?! It happens when a person does not want to forgive out of principle or, for example, he has been tired of family life for a long time and is glad that finally something happened to end it all. There are dozens of options. There are not thousands of them, but dozens. And it happens that a person is so attached to what is called family, and is ready to forgive for the sake of the family, in order to continue living in the family - this is dear to him. Even if it is a new established way of life, not so traditional...
What options might there be? Let's say a woman has been married for a quarter of a century and suddenly finds out about something like this. And she weighs: what is best for her? Again, for reasons of selfishness, rarely for reasons of love... He decides: “I’ll pretend that nothing happened, but everything will remain the same.” But it happens that a woman is ready to endure beatings, and all for the sake of her husband’s salary - she is so attached to money. And sometimes she is attached to the house: she likes everything, the little flowers and gardens... She also thinks like this: “But he, with his financial capabilities, can generally arrange for me to go to jail and have to pay child support as well... “After all, courts are not a search for truth, but only an instrument in the hands of the people who are with it: lawyers, prosecutors, judges... This is such a machine. It’s not for nothing that ancient wisdom says: “Don’t sue a rich man” - this is the people’s experience.
– It often happens when one of the spouses - no matter whether a man or a woman - brings the situation to such a point that the other begins to look for the slightest reason to find some kind of outlet for himself, some kind of hobby...
– This happens, and it comes from childhood, of course. From your school life, don’t you remember this verb that children and fellow students use: “to bring”? Experienced children, starting from the age of three, perfectly drive grandmother, father, mother, and kindergarten teacher to white heat, because they are in charge, they know how to manipulate, they know perfectly well what sound they react to, what lie. He himself hit Vasya with the edge of his shoulder blade, and then roared: “Oh, Vasya beat me!..” - and watches as the adults yell at Vasya, put him in a corner, and while they drag him into the corner, they also hit him on the back of the head, - and he really likes it.
– Father, how should a woman or girl who is being manipulated in this way by a man behave correctly?
“It’s not entirely clear why she needs such a freak.” Well, yes, there is an instinct that the Bible says about: you will have a desire for your husband. But it is still assumed that the head is present in everything, in every action. For a very large number of young girls, a car decorated with flowers, balloons, rings with bells and other nonsense are important, because Masha was getting married - she had a five-meter limousine, and I had a 5.50! And she had white, and I had lilac, no one else had this! Everything has been turned into this completely artificial, unconnected ritual. It doesn’t mean anything, just like New Year doesn’t mean anything. Like May 1st. There is no solidarity among workers. Give a bonus to a tenth of the team - and you will see what kind of solidarity there will be. This is all communist nonsense. Likewise, these constructions around marriage are all unreal, have no roots, they are like artificial flowers, they are all a fake and an imitation and lead to a fake and an imitation of family life.
– What is the role of parents? Should they intervene in the conflict?
- Intervene? Parents generally must manage everything, the entire educational process of their children.
– Even in marriage?
– If the marriage has just taken place – definitely.
– You are now talking about something that is probably unusual for many to hear. Now everyone is independent...
– Yes, I’m not talking about what many are used to. We are used to abortions, divorces - I don’t talk about that. My task is different: for people to look at themselves through the prism of God’s plan. How a person should eat proteins, fats, carbohydrates, microelements and vitamins, but if he eats broken glass and drinks hydrochloric acid, then after a while he will have to have a gastric resection. So here, in such a very important spiritual sphere of human life as family, marriage, if he does everything the other way around, if everything is filled with myths, idiocy and what a divorced girlfriend will advise... well, everything will come to the same divorce as this girlfriend's. If that's what you want, then why go through all the trouble and spend money on those stupid limousines? This is, in fact, my task, as an old grandfather, to warn against this stupidity. And to say: the family and the groom are chosen very carefully.
– How long should it take, in your opinion, from the first date to the decision to get married?
– Father John (Krestyankin) said: a year or two. And from my experience I see that yes, this is a good period. But there is no need to approach this formally. And then it happens like this: “Father, my son is seven years old, I brought him to confession.” - "Fine. Have you talked to him about confession?” - "No". - “Have you ever read the Gospel to him?” - "No". - “Does he know at least one prayer for you?” - "No". - “Have you ever fasted with him?” - "No". And what good is it that he turned seven years old and was brought to confession? Well, yes, he is seven years old, and according to the age of Christian life he is four. Pure formalism.
– Often during a conflict, the spouse makes the following argument: “I am a man, I am in charge.” The woman responded: “I’m weaker, you need to listen to me.” In general, the appropriate question in a family is who is in charge - a man or a woman?
– According to God’s plan, it would be good for a man to be in charge. This is how his psyche and his mind are specially designed. Therefore, in critical moments, when superiority plays some role, a man becomes a commander, for example. A woman can be a military leader, but of some micro-aviation level; she is a senior leader, but it is already difficult for a woman to be a squadron commander. In a tank brigade it’s completely impossible. A woman commanding the front is nonsense: this has never happened, cannot happen and will never happen. That's all, actually.
But let’s say there’s a family like this: the wife is 15 years older, she has two higher educations, three raised children from her first marriage, she’s a widow; the man, seeing her beauty, intelligence, nobility, fell head over heels in love; She tested him for two years, then showed her favor and said “yes.” Well, if he is a smart person, of course she will be the head of the family. And she will transfer to him some functions from this leadership, and he will diligently fulfill them and grow. And, lo and behold, in 15–20 years he will become a real man. And when she weakens from old age, he will completely replace her and become the head, treating her with great reverence, because she raised him as a second mother. And what's wrong with that?
What is the purpose of marriage? The husband must make his wife happy, and the wife must make her husband happy.
We must do what is appropriate. What is the goal? – A husband must make his wife happy, and a wife must make her husband happy. This pleases God. And not just: “Be quiet, fool, I’m in charge.” Is this love, or what?
– You said the words: “When a young man becomes a man.” It is very important. But what if a girl thinks that her chosen one has not yet become a man? How can he acquire these qualities and become a truly real man?
- Well, how... His father should be doing this.
– And not the wife?
- Certainly. Ideally.
– How to learn to listen and hear each other in a family?
– Always remember the purpose and meaning of the family’s existence and why it was created. Not to practice vanity or lust for power, but to serve each other, thereby setting an example for our children. Teach them love, obedience, humility, hard work, faith, prayer.
– Often pastors, when two people come to them in conflict, say: both are to blame. Are both always to blame? Or was one of the two more, say, at fault?
Of the two, one is always more to blame. And more is always a man
- No, of the two, one is always more to blame. And more is always a man.
– Why a man?
- Because it is his responsibility. You are the head of the family - come on, sort it out! Imagine: a riot on a ship. What - cooks on the yard? All complaints to the ship's commander. What, you can't establish order on the ship? Well, then you are written off overboard, and that’s it! Because you are incapable of being a captain.
– Yes, it's very simple.
- Extremely simple.
– But what to do when conflicts arise on religious grounds? When is a man against his wife going to church, or when a woman interferes with her husband’s church life, does not understand him/her and expresses her misunderstanding in a form that is at least incorrect?
– It was not for nothing that I said at the beginning of the conversation that I consider marriage only as a domestic Church. According to the canons of the Church, marriage with a person belonging to another confession or another religion is not blessed - precisely because we are extremely respectful of the faith of another person. And this very often happens: “My husband—he’s a Muslim, though—forbids me to baptize my children.” Well, he’s doing the right thing! What can I say? These are his children. You are his wife, a Muslim is allowed to marry a Christian. But if for you the law of your own religion is nothing, then what are your claims? There is no way to help in this situation. Either you become a Muslim, or you destroy your family and live alone. It is not yet a fact whether they will give you your children, because the customs there are different. Before you go to another country, you need to find out what the customs are there. And if you are going to a country called Family and Marriage, excuse me, you have to learn everything by heart. And do you agree to this? What is a handsome and charming man? Yes, that's for sure. But this is not the basis of marriage.
– A very common situation, about which more than one book has probably been written: two people live together for many years, raise children, and as soon as the children grow up and move to another city, the family begins to fall apart, it feels like the house is empty, both husband and wife they no longer find anything in common. Why is this happening? And how to fix this situation?
- So, there was no love - there were all some secondary activities. Children are a secondary occupation. And he had to make his wife happy. Also V.G. Belinsky said: when you are going to get married, you must be ready to love your wife as a very old woman. And if it’s like this: first we build a house, then we build a dacha, then we build a garage with a bedroom, then we do this, then we do that, then the children go there, then they go to college... And when it all ends, what’s left? - Just bite each other. Because what we lived for is over. But husband and wife live with each other. And the second thing is children. In third place are their own parents, this is also a position. Then siblings are the next position. “Sorry, dear, I would like to go to my brother, help him - will you mind? He is very seriously ill, he has four children, and his wife cannot cope..."
– It turns out that the children came first...
The children came first: “I gave all of myself to the children.” I am writing a resolution: “And in vain”
“The children came first: “I gave all of myself to the children.” I am writing a resolution: “And in vain.” You can’t give all of yourself – to children, work, art. In marriage, the husband needs to give himself to his wife, and the wife needs to give herself to her husband. This doesn't mean you don't need to work. But there is a hierarchy of values, and it is built from the spouse. There may be no children, but there is a family. You can take children from an orphanage, you can take nephews, who have many, and raise them - and in Russia, in all Christian countries, this was a tradition. Some, for example, viscounts and marquises have children, while others - counts and dukes - do not, the count takes the child from the poor marquise, raises him as a lord, and even gives him a title, land, and a castle, and that’s all...
– It has been noticed that over the past 10–15 years the percentage of divorces initiated by women has increased significantly. What do you think is the reason for this? Are men getting smaller?
- They're getting smaller. She got married, and looks: it’s either a Rottweiler, or a Doberman, or a St. Bernard. He's such a big guy, he loves to eat, he loves to go for walks, he whines all the time, he needs something all the time, and he also barks at you. The thought comes: “Okay, I’ll remove it now, will there be less dust? - Less. - No one will shit? - Will not be. - No one will ask to go for a walk? - Will not be. Then, there is savings in food: he eats more than an ordinary person...” As one woman in the village told me, God rest with her, Ninochka: “But it’s not profitable to keep a man now. Better,” he says, “pig.” He seemed to have fulfilled his purpose: she, in my opinion, has three children. And so - what?
– How can we make sure that for people who have just gotten married and are just starting to come to God, God comes first?
- It's already late. Religion is instilled in the family. This should have been taken care of by the father and mother.
– There are examples when two people find each other, thinking that they are churchgoers, but in fact...
And having gone to church, we remain ordinary Soviet people - because we are all from one-child families
- No, churching itself is not a bad thing. But it’s not at all as important as people think it is. Churching is a subculture where people quickly recognize each other. They can joke about some words of the Psalter, they know all the priests, all the bishops, they know all the monasteries, they can read the Hours in the temple. But they don't know how to love, they don't know how to pray. They don’t know how to expose their chest to bullets so that these bullets don’t hit the chest of another person whose name you don’t know. They don’t know what it’s like to visit the sick. Christianity is still very shallow. Maybe the time will come and it will sprout. But with this church-going, they remain ordinary Soviet people and think that everything will come on its own. Because they are all from one-child families and are used to it: if you open your mouth, mommy will put everything in there. I want to go there - my mother has already hired teachers, and now they are studying the Unified State Examination. I want to get married - and here is a very good guy, we love each other, we have known each other for a long time, it’s already the second month... And then a young man comes. Mom bought him a shirt, mom ironed his jacket, mom cleaned his shoes... although mom can’t force him to go to the hairdresser, but at least mom washed his hair with Horsepower shampoo. And he looks like he’s okay, and he smells good, and he’s so shy – he’s not a groom. And then it begins! Here he is sitting on the sofa, but not to earn money, buy sausages, bring them into the house, cut them, put the rest in the refrigerator, and also make sure that they don’t go stale... And it turns out that there are seven more people in the house... But he doesn’t mind- he doesn’t even know. He only knows how to open his mouth and when the Trisagion and “Our Father” need to be said - he knows that, but there’s no point in it. You can’t build a family on this, no.
– But at the same time, you said that mom can and dad can - and even should, if they themselves are believers - influence this small Church...
And I don’t even know where dad is: I don’t know, I can’t see him
- Well, of course: this is the main thing. After all, a deep Christian, let’s call it that, must answer the call of God and create a home Church - here, Lord! This is the main thing in general on earth. Give birth, raise and teach your children Christianity. One guy came up to me: “Father Dimitri, can I not go to church?” So, he sets me a task: what should I do as a person replacing his father, grandfather, mother, so that he wants to go to church and understands what is happening there?! And why do I go, I shouldn’t be forced, even when I don’t feel very well, but he feels good, he’s young, he’s seven years old, but he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t understand anything there! And the majority of so-called churchgoers do not understand anything. They know that they need to give communion to children. Well, what - a child: they brought him to receive communion, and he yells at the whole church. And if you put him on the floor, he will run somewhere: boom-boom-boom-boom - he flaps his legs, he likes: eh! He does what he wants, but he is completely confused. And I don’t even know where dad is: I don’t know, he’s not visible. And raising a child is, after making his wife happy, the main task of the father. He must think about it, not only think - he must come up with it, he must read about it, he must find a way for it.
– What to do when a woman is dissatisfied with her chosen one and how he provides for his family? Very often conflicts arise on this basis...
Raising a child begins with... choosing a future spouse
– If she is dissatisfied... Well, it happens: she bought a fur coat, brought it home, put it on and is dissatisfied - for this there are some days when what you bought can be exchanged. This doesn't happen in marriage. Therefore, you have to humble yourself, you have to somehow influence it, you have to develop a whole life strategy, and this is very hard work. Therefore, to prevent this from happening, you need to discuss everything in advance. This is how to raise a child, you need to start when he is just conceived, and even earlier. From whom was he conceived? - From a man. But a man should not only be, as they say now, a “biological father” - wonderful! This is not enough. This person must be a Christian, he must be smart, noble, strong, courageous, moderately rich (who will buy fur coats - is the wife working two jobs?) - this is when this process of raising children must begin: by choice spouse.
– This is a mutual process - after all, both the spouse chooses and the husband chooses.
- Certainly. No one will force anyone into marriage. Here you can consult with your parents and grandparents.
– What advice would you give to those families who cannot yet resolve any conflict situations for one reason or another?
- Talk. We need to discuss everything. Be patient so that there is a glass of water to cool. The only way. And treating each other with respect is the default.
A feeling of freedom is the key to a happy family
Why do people start a family if they are often supporters of independence? This situation is especially relevant in modern times, and initially, after all, each of us is born absolutely free (the exception is some dependence on parents at a very early age). In simple terms, freedom can be explained as the ability to make decisions independently and act exactly as a person sees fit. Thus, the beauty lies in eliminating the influence of external factors and the feeling of discomfort. But why does society often resist this? You just need to implement this condition, even while married! After all, in this way you can kill two birds with one stone: fully enjoy your independence and feel the most comfortable feelings in the world.
At times it is impossible to understand why people start a family if they cannot provide each other with freedom, if only because it is natural. It is foolish to believe that the main goal in life is to meet a partner, start a family, have children and spend the rest of your life doing household chores. This is incredibly boring, and the funny thing is that people often agree with this judgment too late, when the dependence has already been formed and the relationship between husband and wife is ruined. You can’t assume that everyone’s life will change dramatically after marriage. We must strive to ensure that the spouses are undoubtedly happy together, support and evoke positive emotions in each other, but in no case try to make their own adjustments to the other’s behavior, his attitude to life and views on certain things. “No one owes anyone anything,” everyone will understand this statement in their own way: some will accept it, and some will condemn it. Nevertheless, we have the right to independently choose a life partner, which means that only we know whether to fall in love with a person easier or to still take a risk and be happy from it.
Society's attitudes
Many people do not know how family relationships developed among their ancestors. However, those for whom the history of their family is accessible understand that in the past marriage was imposed by society. That is why the moral principles of society arose: if you want to live with a young man or girl, you need to get married. Otherwise it will be immoral. Therefore, many people still continue to adhere to these attitudes. Of course, in modern society they have already weakened, but not everywhere. Moreover, social attitudes may have actually collapsed, but prohibitions often continue to live in people’s minds. This is why people strive to make serious acquaintances, turn them into romantic relationships, and then consolidate such connections with marriage. However, this is not the reason for the existence of the family - the reasons must lie elsewhere. Nowadays, serious dating can last a lifetime and not end in marriage. Why is it worth starting a family in modern society? And is it even worth it?
Comfortable relationship
Already in the 17th and 18th centuries, such a science as social science began to emerge. Family and family relationships are a critical aspect of this field. Modern scientists and psychologists have published a huge amount of literature on the formation of good relationships within the family. However, this is often not enough for a comfortable family atmosphere, because everyone individually must clearly answer the question for themselves: why does a person need a family? Only one thing is clear: for comfort, because this concept has practically no limits (comfort exists in everything).
Thus, it would be advisable to consider the main components of cozy relationships in the family:
- Mutual respect is the basis of marriage, because romance and youthful love disappear sooner or later, which is quite natural.
- Mutual understanding, which is closely related to giving the spouse absolute freedom, as well as a sincere interest in his or her life.
- Avoiding routine by introducing new shades into your life together. Tools for this can be all kinds of travel, events, or even the imagination of one of the spouses, and if you are very lucky, then two.
- Respect for the personal boundaries of the partner: a person cannot be property, otherwise family relationships will turn into a monumental failure.
All this will help maintain a bright feeling for many years. It should be remembered: family is a great work that cannot be postponed or abandoned by going on vacation, but the reward for that is happiness.
Birth of children
It has already been said above that children in modern society are often born outside the family, limited to civil marriage. However, this does not mean that children cannot be the reason for starting a family. In this case, however, there are two sides to the coin. If we take the negative side, then it is worth considering those cases when a family is created due to the birth of a child. Unfortunately, such cases happen very often: a guy and a girl give birth to a child, and therefore they urgently get married so that he grows up in a full-fledged family. Yes, it is worth noting that although it is possible to have a child without a family, it is definitely not convenient, since one of the parents, in fact, has absolutely no rights to this child, that is, they only have a genetic connection.
It's time to look at the positive side of the coin. Many people who are in serious relationships want to have children. And they decide to start a family in order to make this process easier for themselves, as well as to provide the child with a full, prosperous future.
A woman’s purpose is to give her energy
Why and why do people start a family? This can be explained with particular ease by the purpose of the male and female half of the population. Thus, it is inherent in nature: a woman is happy when she feels her man and fruitfully develops relationships in depth by giving him an excess of her energy. The fact is that all women have an innate ability to love, although there are no specific recipes for this. Nevertheless, any representative of the fair sex who has set herself the goal of achieving an extremely comfortable relationship will definitely find a solution to all issues and obstacles along the way. Real feeling is different in that a woman does not require anything in return - she only needs the acceptance of her own energy by the man she has chosen. And then, like a sorceress, she will be able to give happiness to both. A woman will support her man in any situation, which is very important for him. She is unlikely to let her passion fade and will remain faithful.
Meaning of life
For many people, happiness lies in being close to loved ones. Caring for a loved one, our own child and parents gives us strength and does not allow us to become limp when things don’t go well in life. Family provides warmth in the face of failures and contributes to the formation of a certain worldview. For many women, the meaning of life is to try to give the best to their children.
Regardless of how much energy a person puts into self-realization, he can only feel truly happy when he has a family next to him. This is true. Family is an integral component of harmony and joy. She is able to protect us from all kinds of adversity, support us in difficult times and calm us down.
The purpose of a man is to create
For any man, the answer to the question of why people start a family is similarly associated with providing and receiving comfort. But the fundamental difference from the female understanding of this aspect is the development of relationships in breadth, that is, the man always acts as the creator. It is impossible to imagine his life without having a favorite activity that benefits not only him and his family, but also those around him. A representative of the stronger sex is not able to fully work on a relationship with a woman until he has the opportunity to do what he loves. And vice versa, professional activity will progress many times more successfully if a man can receive additional energy from the woman he loves.
Thus, a man is not able to be a creator without love (at an early age this love comes from the mother, and later from the wife), and a woman cannot give her energy without a man. This means that love must have a direction, you can give yourself to someone or something, therefore, directly through a man, a woman learns to love the whole world. This is where the expression comes from: “Behind every successful man there is always a great woman.”
Confidence in the future
What does family give to a person in life? Why can the presence of close relatives have such a strong influence on our perception of the world? Family is stability. Such relationships develop over a long period of time. People connected by family ties know that they will never be betrayed or deceived. Such confidence in the future contributes to the formation of trust and a stable view of the world.
At some point, the realization comes that all problems are actually solvable, and there is nothing truly global that could change the idea of the world. Such a worldview is really worth a lot. Well-being within the family can influence all other areas of life and change them for the better.
Why do people start a family? Fruitful association
In modern times there are many things created without love: weapons, factories that actively pollute the air, systems of power of man over man, and so on. A world where there is little real feeling is sometimes frightening, because there is a lot of illness and unhappiness in it. That is why you need to create for yourself a world in which love lives. The most competent way is to create it through the formation of a family.
Of course, harmony in the family is also necessary for raising delightful children. Everyone knows that a person with a capital “H” can only be raised in an atmosphere of love. Thus, if we discard sentimental ideas about the family as an ideal unit of society, then we can see and feel a lot of new things, namely: calm, comfort, kindness and warmth. We must not forget that he is happy who is happy at home.
Family history
It is unknown at what exact stage of human development the family appeared. Scientists have been arguing about this for decades, and they are also discussing why exactly such a social unit appeared. However, everyone knows that in all centuries people have united into families to continue the family line. For most of history, families were exclusively patriarchal, but recently rigid standards have begun to loosen and family has become a much looser term. And the conditions in it can now be set exclusively by those who formed it.
