If your man is depressed, it's not the end of the world or even the end of the relationship. Supporting a man in difficult times can bring out the true loving woman in you.
Clinical depression is a profound problem for those who experience it. For those who have never experienced this, it is difficult to understand and feel what it is like.
Therefore, a woman needs to be patient. Together we can overcome any difficulties. Let's figure out how to support a man in a difficult situation.
Talk to him
You can't just ignore a person when they feel bad. Ask him about his well-being, do not let him close himself off. Find out which things worsen his condition and which ones do the opposite.
When speaking, choose the most gentle and sensitive words possible. Words of support for a man in difficult times can replace a dozen sedative pills.
No need to say that you understand him
If you haven’t gone through the same path, but just once experienced sadness, it’s better to support the man with other words. Comforting others does not make them feel better.
Valuing someone isn't just about how he or she makes you feel
When you can easily shift from the big picture to the details, you can identify specific characteristics of your partner—his or her values, priorities, strengths, reserves, and skills—that you admire and value, and maybe even want to emulate. What makes these characteristics valuable? How do they affect communication with your significant other?
The ability to step back to see all points of view is more important to a relationship than how you feel in the moment. Always remember the positive aspect of someone's position, and you will learn to forget about the troubles of the present moment. Many conflicts can be prevented by learning to listen to and value someone's position, even if you completely disagree with it.
Important!
If a man is not just sad
but also expresses thoughts of suicide
Don't let his words fall on deaf ears. You're getting irritated
that he's just trying to get your attention. And he may have very specific intentions
and you will never forgive yourself
if they come true. Seek professional help
For example
to the Center for Emergency Psychological Assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia by phone 7
495) 626 3707.
Prepared by Alexandra Ulyanova
Train tolerance, the pinnacle of fragmentation
Some people believe that they are entitled to whatever they want, regardless of whether they can afford it or not. They buy houses they can't afford, pay for things they don't really need, spend money on a whim instead of saving it. In other words, too many people today follow their feelings.
There are no instructions about which feelings to express and which ones are best kept to yourself. We learn this through observation and modeling, acquiring the skills I talked about just above: compartmentalizing sensations, assessing what matters more or less, and developing discretion about what is worth saying and what is best left unsaid. .
These skills can protect your marriage by creating and maintaining respect and generosity in your relationship. If you feel valued, even in a conflict situation, neither you nor your partner will suffer because you are mistreated, humiliated, or have your point of view rejected. You can love and respect each other for the rest of your life, even if you quarreled today.
Is there a reverse side to the coin?
Unfortunately, there is no universal relationship formula. For example, it is quite reasonable to hope when someone is too desperate. But hope can be destructive if it causes people to underestimate and misreact to what they face. After all, everyone in a casino hopes for a big score, but when he leaves his entire paycheck there, hope clearly works against him.
Fragmentation can be a great element in a relationship, but some instances of fragmentation can work against you and your spouse.
People in denial effectively separate the truth from attempts to minimize that truth. People who tolerate cruelty or violence in relationships engage in fragmentation when they justify the abuse with words like, “But I love him or her!” Companies willing to poison a few people to increase their profits are engaging in fragmentation when they ignore integrity or social responsibility. People who turn a blind eye to this “inconvenient” truth engage in fragmentation when they look for excuses. Fragmentation can bring out the best in people and, unfortunately, the worst. So in your own relationships, try to focus more on love and what is good, rather than on anger and what is bad, especially when that “bad” is objectively not that important.
Rule two: focus on the positive
A person who is overcome by depression tends not to notice his successes, focusing on failures. It seems to him that everything he did in this life was wrong, at the wrong time, and it would be better if he did nothing at all. In moments of depression, people lose trust in the world around them and faith in themselves. But the vicious circle is that without confidence that you have the strength to overcome depression, it is very difficult to cope with it. Therefore, since a person cannot fight for himself, you must help him. Remember that he once did something right and good. Remind me of the story of how he won a corporate darts tournament, or how he defended his secretary from the attacks of an unfair boss. Tell us how proud you were of him when you found out that he was the first in his family to graduate from college. There are victories - even small ones - in the history of each of us. Your task is to discover them and show them to your friend. If you absolutely cannot remember a single story that would inspire confidence in your strength, you can simply say: “I know that you are great.” These words will give a person hope that someday he will be able to meet your expectations, become what you see him, and maybe even better. Don't expect your depression to go away as soon as you say these words. You may need to repeat them over several days. The main thing is that you yourself must believe in what you say.
A little support goes a long way... But maybe not enough
Typically, people who are connected to something larger than themselves achieve more in life in almost all respects. Are you connected to something larger than yourself - to your marriage, for example, or to your family; with a social movement or with some charitable organization?
Most people will answer no to this question. They grew up believing that they were the center of the universe and that “self-love comes first.” Unfortunately, self-love does not teach tolerance for others, empathy or compassion, will not help you survive failures, and will not teach you the ability to control your own impulses. In fact, such love only teaches self-absorption - a companion to depression. This property also reduces the ability to give and receive support.
Receiving support and giving it to others is a powerful way to connect with people, impacting both your emotional and physical well-being.
In a study on how positive social contact improves fitness, married women were given electric shocks while their brains were scanned using functional magnetic resonance imaging. At the same time, they either held the hand of their husband or a man they did not know, or were left to their own devices. The tomograph showed how strong the neural activity of the brain was to the threat in each specific case. The threat response was greatest when women were left to their own devices and least when they were squeezing their husband's hand. The quality of their marriage also influenced the strength of their response when they held their husband's hand: the stronger their marriage, the less brain arousal in response to threat. Strong connection and support can help you get through tough times, both psychologically and physically, as recent neuroscience shows.
The support you provide to your spouse or partner greatly impacts the quality of your relationship. Thus, people often become victims of their relationships when they do not feel supported by their spouse.
How does this happen
In addition to theory, any woman, with the help of system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, receives a qualitative change in her internal state. In addition, every woman receives clear knowledge about the people around her and, of course, about her man.
How long depression or any bad condition of your man will last is up to you to decide. Whether your man ever gets stressed is also up to you. Whether you can help a man in a difficult situation now depends on you.
Don’t miss the chance to become a real woman who inspires heroic deeds and knows how to support you in any situation. Register for a free online training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan using the link.
Author Karina Kashapova
The article was written using materials from online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan
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What kind of support would you like to receive from your partner?
Instrumental support is assistance in achieving a specific goal. For example, financial assistance - a roof over your head and food on the table. Or support in fulfilling parental duties and equal distribution of responsibilities in raising children together.
Information support is the provision of information to make sound decisions. For example, you can't give Ivan his new medications if you don't know that I took him to the doctor this morning.
Emotional support is a trusting relationship, care and participation. Often people just want to be listened to, their feelings, efforts and sacrifices acknowledged. Kind words go a long way in a good relationship.
But what happens if depression interferes with your relationship? A person suffering from depression becomes more emotionally dependent and requires more support. At the same time, he himself, as a rule, does not realize how demanding and in need of support he has become. While for his partner such guardianship becomes too burdensome, causing more tension than sympathy. But as soon as the partner tries to convey this information in the most delicate form to the person suffering from depression, the latter explodes. Research shows that this is the greatest danger to maintaining previous trusting relationships.
When a person suffering from depression feels unsupported, they begin to think that their spouse perceives them in a negative light. This, in turn, forces him to seek even more support, as a result of which the level of demands grows, and with it the feeling of a burden on the partner. It turns out to be a vicious circle.
Over time, a person suffering from depression begins to believe that no one (another danger of global thinking) can help him. Therefore, any participation (from the point of view of a healthy person) is perceived by the patient as a “dead poultice.” Depression increases the need for support, but at the same time reduces understanding and response to attempts by others to provide this support.
One way to push your spouse and friends away from you is to ignore or undermine their attempts to be sympathetic. And this, in turn, deprives the person trying to help you of motivation. And then the question arises: should you respond to your ever-increasing need for emotional support, or would it be more correct to notice and praise the efforts (insufficient, in your opinion) that others are making to support you?
How you deal with problems like these affects your recovery from depression, the strength of your marriage, and your physical health. Remember one simple rule: people are much more willing to respond to praise than to criticism. Very few are willing to accept that their efforts are in vain. Forcing yourself to see the good in a response that seems insufficient to you is not easy. However, it is vitally important to be able to do this, because sooner or later the depression will pass, and your spouse may no longer be with you.
When your partner says you need help, you both need it.
Too often it turns out that one person suffers from depression, and his spouse simply does not know how to help him, and therefore often hears only one phrase from the patient: “Leave me alone!” Even if your spouse doesn’t back down: “You need help. Please seek help!” - he again hears the angry “Leave me alone!”
The typical reaction of a depressed person to the recognition that he is not healthy and his condition is getting worse is anger. For some people, admitting this means falling in the eyes of their spouse. They become angry with themselves and others and try to adapt to the new state through avoidance and a feeling of genuine unwillingness to overcome depression. Instead of responding to their spouse's concerns, they explode in anger. It is a manipulative scare tactic to use anger as a weapon. This is a bad strategy: it prevents you from getting help, and it turns your spouse into a victim. This will only make your situation worse. Too often, the result of people not coping with depression is an avoidable breakup or divorce.
Put effectiveness above your personal comfort, above your fear and anxiety, above anything else that may be preventing you from overcoming depression and maintaining your relationship with your partner. As writer Bill Newman once said, “When you stop seeing the goal, you begin to see the obstacles.”
When your spouse tells you that you need help, he or she is letting you know that he or she is affected by what is happening to you. Why harm him (her) even more by ignoring his (her) concerns, simply because you are too lazy to delve into all this? Giving your spouse a voice is very brave of you. This does not mean that you indulge him (her) in everything. This means that you listen and acknowledge his or her needs and his or her perspective on the overall problem. After all, the most important thing is to maintain close relationships and get through difficult times together.
For what reasons can a husband become depressed?
Firstly, men are achievers, so their fulfillment and success in moving up the career ladder are important to them. Therefore, first of all, depression can be a consequence of failures in work and professional development. If a man fails to achieve his goal for a long time, he may feel unfulfilled and, as a result, become depressed. Achieving goals, by the way, can also cause depression. In this case, the man is at a crossroads: where to next?
The second area is personal relationships. He may not have good relationships with colleagues at his new job, with parents, friends and other significant people in his life. Or, for example, it is difficult for him to perform fatherly functions. In this case, he may also feel somewhat inferior and, as a result, become depressed.
The third area is health. He may worry about his physical well-being or be concerned about the well-being of other people. That is, for example, he can perceive information about the illness or death of a person close to him emotionally and, as a result, this can cause chronic stress and health problems.
Chronic stress can also be caused by:
- chronic illness;
- disability;
- constant problems with money;
- emotional pressure.
